Love Notes: Marriage and Family Life Taught By: Sh. Yaser Birjas

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1 Love Notes: Marriage and Family Life Taught By: Sh. Yaser Birjas Brought to you by your Qabeelah Ruhma Academic Team Notes Set One: Preface: The Faqih of Love Chapter One: Jesting about Love Love Notes :: Q. Ruhma 1

2 Love Notes Sh. Yaser Birjas = Love Sheikh Friday, September 14, 2012 Sh. Abdulbary Yahya Introduction -When two people want to get married a lot of things happen, and when they actually start their marriage, they end. The true happily ever after is when you two enter into paradise together insha Allah. Introduction -Love is the thing that makes challenges easy and easy things challenging. It makes truth false, and false true. It makes all nonsense things make sense and makes sense make no sense. -Love is defined through personal experience. There is no exact universal definition. -When it comes to love we are biased and selfish; even the nature of loving can produce hate [ex. the astronomer who drove all the way to Florida to kill her cheating beau]. -The most difficult years of marriage are the first two, in this course we will learn how to bring ease to these first couple years insha Allah. Preface: The Faqih of Love Page 3 The Faqih of Love Imam ibn Hazm Al.Andalusee [Tawq al.hamamah = The Ring of the Dove] -ibn Hazm was brought up in Cordoba, Spain [Andalusia]. -His father was a very rich minister in the court of Spain; he grew up in the palace; he enjoyed the wealth of his family and lived a luxurious life. -Spoke about his upbringing in the book, Tawq al.hamamah = The Ring of the Dove -Tawq al.hamamah: named because: 1. the ring on the dove is a sign of beauty 2. symbolizes enslavement because love enslaves people where they can cut ties with people and even go crazy over it. -ibn Hazm wrote Tawq al.hamamah when he was 30/31 as an answer to a question a friend asked; it s based on his own experiences; promoted chastity at the end and "#$%!&#'%(!))!*+!,-./0!! 1

3 warned men and women from doing things in a haram way; summarizes the romantic culture of the Muslims in Andalusia. -His early teachers were women, whom taught him tajweed, fiqh, etc. -Imam ibn Hazm had a crush on a girl in the palace; he was 15/16 and so was she; her name is not exactly known; the chapter on Forgetfulness in Tawq al.hamamah speaks of what he d do to get over his love for her. -ibn Hazm is considered the founder of the soul mate theory; which is based on romantic love >>> Hadith: Souls are like recruited armies; when Allah created Adam He also created all the souls so they know each other, but when they come into their bodies, they look for each other and happiness depends on whether they find each other; ibn Jawzia disagreed, he believed love was based on compatibility; people need to fall in love based in not only how people look but al.kifa = compatibility [goals, interests, profession, social economic status, cultural]; genuine love comes after the first impression is when you match the kifa qualities Compatibility, the more you match the better it is Why then do you see people be attracted to the beautiful image? Because we have been created with the disposition to crave something beautiful, when we believe something is beautiful we think it must be perfect and beautiful on both the exterior and interior; this is why when we see something beautiful nothing else matters, we perceive it to be perfect; however beauty is in the eye of the beholder. -ibn Hazm also said opposites attract; sometimes two extremes attract [ex. extreme grief and extreme happiness bring you the same result, crying]; thus there is no particular standard of beauty. Jesting about Love Page 4 -Tawq al.hamamah = The Ring of the Dove Love is like a sickness that you would never want to be cured from: it is joyful, and comes in two stages: jesting about love [primary stages of emotional feelings; the focus is on the fun stuff that comes with marriage]; earnestness of love [when you get more serious, and really understand love; you love someone, commit, and get married] Allah [swt] says in Surah Room 30:21 And among his signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, than you may dwell in tranquility with them, and He has put love and mercy between your [hearts]. Verily in that are signs for those who reflect. Mouada = kind love Rahma = mercy; compassion "#$%!&#'%(!))!*+!,-./0!! 2

4 -ibn Qayyim said: Mouada and Rahma are like two wings of a bird; for any relationship to be successful you must have two strong wings; the wing of love and the wing of mercy; this is why love has to come with mercy; it is not enough to have just love or just mercy but a combination. -Marriage is very important; the feelings associated with it are normal feelings so don t trivialize them but embrace them in the most halal way; unfortunately the media has commercialized on these feelings making it not something you can build and work on but that either exists or disappears. -Allah made rasulallah [saws] our best example; he loved his first wife Khadijah so much, that one day long after she was gone, ra was with Aisha and received some meat; he requested they give some to the friends of Khadijah; Aisha got jealous, but he loved her even after her death; Aisha responded, Why do you still do this for someone who is dead when you have someone young? RasulAllah [saws] told her not to say this because he still loved Khadijah and moved on to speak of her character. Islam and Love Page 5 1. Definition of love: a feeling of intense affection, free of condition -The Arabs used more than 60 words to describe love. -The word for love in Arabic is hob. The root of the word comes from the letters! " The letter! is one of the most difficult letters of the Arabic language; it comes from deep in the throat, just like love which can be very deep that sometimes it can make someone choke or inhale/exhale profoundly [a sign of love]. " comes from the lips and it's a very soft letter; it requires a very gentle press of the lips and is one of the simplest letters in the Arabic language. When you say " it's like making a kiss, a manifestation of love. -Love starts profound but once you process it, it becomes easy and gentle. -Even in the calligraphy the word hob [love] appears like a pair of lips. 2. The Nature of Love -There have been different views over time over what love actually is: -Love is physical interaction between a man and a woman -Love is a philosophical idea -Love is psychological, one convinces themselves that they are in love -Love is spiritual; it is about finding your soul mate -Love is intellectual; love is an intellectual process -Most define love as sentiments and feelings towards someone else Types of Love: -Moral or religious love, such as the love for Allah [swt] and rasulallah [saws]. -One s love for fellow Muslims, when you love them for the sake of Allah. "#$%!&#'%(!))!*+!,-./0!! 3

5 -Familial love [of your mother, father, children; these are all natural inclinations. -Love of your spouse [love full of passion and compassion]. Tip: To keep your marriage successful, don't tell your spouse you love them for the Sake of Allah since it is natural for people in a marriage desire passionate love. 3. Muslim Scholars on the Theory of Love Imam Ibn Hazm -Explained in Tawq al.hamamah that love does not start on earth but in heaven. -Souls meet in the upper universe before they meet on earth. 4. Love and Images -Fairy Tales such as Cinderella have played an important role in shaping people's views on what love is; in these fairy tales, love is all about beauty and physical attraction: the prince sees the girl and falls in love without even knowing her; they get married and "live happily ever after"; the story always ends with the couple getting married and that's literally when the love ends. -ibn Hazm states that Allah created human beings in the best example, perfection, so beauty in the mind of human beings is a sign of perfection, and everyone in this life is looking for perfection. -Often when we say something is "beautiful" we mean it's perfect. -Beauty is relative: "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". What may be ugly for one person may attract another person, and vice versa. -Sometimes opposites attract. That can really affect what you think is beautiful. For example, fire and ice: if you hold ice in your hands and squeeze it hard enough, it will give a burning sensation, just like fire. So opposites can be so opposite that they give the same effect. 5. Signs of Love -The brooding gaze into nothing. -Directing one s conversation to the beloved. -Listening to the beloved's speech, and marvels at everything said- even if it is nonsense. -Hurrying when they await you. -Being overcome by a sudden confusion when the one loved comes suddenly upon him. -An abundance of happiness when you re close [ex. in the beginning, they use the "love seat" so that they can be near each other.] "#$%!&#'%(!))!*+!,-./0!! 4

6 -Engaging in playful tug of war [ex. fighting over who takes the plate to the sink, pillow fights, etc.] -Leaning in toward each other. -Touching. 'Aisha narrates that rasulallah [saws] would grab the hand of his wives when talking to them. -Drinking from the same cup, and touching the lips on the exact spot where the beloved's lips touched. RasulAllah would grab a piece of meat that 'Aisha had eaten from and then eat from the same spot as she. He would also grab her cup, after she had finished drinking from it, and turn the cup around, and place his lips on the exact spots her lips touched. Story: A newly married couple went to umrah for their honeymoon; when they were in the hotel room, the wife was bringing tea, and trips, and husband falls to save her from falling saying bismillah passionately; the following year a similar incident happens, this time the husband just says, are you blind or something? Rulings of Love Page 6 -Is it haram to fall in love? ibn Hazm [The Ring of the Dove]: love is not prohibited by Allah; Allah [swt] will not judge you over something you have no control over; the heart is something you can not necessarily control thus you can not say that the feeling is not halal or haram; what can be judged is the outcome, what you do about it. -Does Love happen by choice or by force? ibn Qayyim: as for love, the primary stages of falling in love happen by choice [appearance], however sometimes it happens by force [love at firs sight] but this love needs to be confirmed [it might just be something you admire about the person, how they speak, how they are/look, etc.], this is a test from Allah. -Eyes are considered gateway to the heart; chances are if you just look, it will hit your heart; take charge of your heart by controlling what your around; be careful! Tip: Don t go for a very long engagement! -Allah speaks about love in surah Room 30, also in surah al.imran [He made it beautiful for men the attraction for women, and for women, men]; also in the story of Yusuf, love penetrated the heart of the wife of al.aziz, and decided she d had to force him; when Allah mentions this, he did not condemn these feelings but praised the actions and response of Yusuf [as] "#$%!&#'%(!))!*+!,-./0!! 5

7 -Hadith ibn Abaas [ibn Maja]: Man was a guardian of an orphan girl, two men came to propose, one rich, one poor. The girl was inclined towards the poor, so they went to rasulallah to see what to do, RasulAllah told them that if she loves him, she should marry him. Narrated Abu Uthman: Allah's Apostle sent 'Amr bin Al. As as the commander of the troops of Dhat.us.Salasil. 'Amr bin Al.'As said, "[On my return] I came to the Prophet and said, 'Which people do you love most?' He replied, 'Aisha.' I said, From amongst the men? He replied, 'Her father [Abu Bakr]'. I said, 'whom [do you love] next?' He replied, "Umar.' Then he counted the names of many men, and I became silent for fear that he might regard me as the last of them. [al.bukhari] -Love is something you cannot control; it is something in the heart; Allah will not hold us accountable for something we cannot control, but you will be held accountable for how you react. -Some cultures make the word love a taboo; love is not a sign of weakness; even rasulallah fell in love; be merciful for those in love; rasulallah encouraged to investigate about the one you were interested in; rasulallah acknowledged that love was normal while within limits. Falling in Love Page 7 -Naturally we all would love to be in a relationship; we are in need to love and to be loved, this is something Allah swt put in us; when it comes to love it is not a fixed thing, do not expect it to last forever at the same level; love goes up when you do loving actions, and goes down when you stop doing loving actions or doing bad actions; when people fall in love, they only perceive of living in marital bliss, happily ever after As parents, if our children come to us we have to validate their feelings but also let them see the realistic ness in the situation and give them explanations -Real love cannot begin until the in love period ends its course; which takes a lot of time; about 2 years. How can love be rationalized? 1. Love bank theory: once you start a relationship the first thing you do is you open a love account with him/her. You need to keep a good balance; i.e. you don t demand from your spouse if you don t have money. How do you invest in it? By doing caring, loving, good things. 2. Love tank: a husband and wife are on a very long journey [women usually stop for gas when their tank is half way out of gas; girls need reassurance; ex. I love you and "#$%!&#'%(!))!*+!,-./0!! 6

8 thank yours and sorrys]; guys stop for gas when their empty [they don t care as long as everything is good] 3. Wipers theory: men are efficient; women are more anticipating. What harms love? -Cheating [pornography, zina, flirting, looking at haram things, social media flirting, etc.] Recommendation: don t post pictures on FB -Communication: When a couple doesn t communicate respectfully anymore. -ibn Hazm s list of what harms love included: exploitation of love [you love me do this...], disrespect, slander especially within the families, and prolonged separation [4 month max] Contemporary Problem: TV and PC -Especially in the bedroom; kills a couples social life Tip: keep your laptops/computers outside the bedroom; make the bedroom your personal refuge A Story of Real Love Page 8 Be careful about becoming attached to someone whom you know you may not be able to marry realistically Real love stories: study life of couples, not lovers. -Lovers always have the same end, they never get married. -Real love stories go through challenges and sacrifice. Who did rasulallah [saws] love more: Aisha or Khadijah [ra]? -Khadijah because he told 'Aisha (supposed to be most beloved) that his heart was full of love for her. - Aisha because he told others [including his own daughter Fatima] that he [saws] loved and her to leave her alone. -ibn Taymiyyah: Aisha and Khadijah were not both his wives at the same time thus it s an invalid question; Aisha was the best for her time and Khadijah the best in hers [Khadijah got the salaam of Allah, yet no revelation ever came in any other bed except for Aisha] "#$%!&#'%(!))!*+!,-./0!! 7