Out of the Gutter by God s Grace

Transcription

1 Jonathan Badgett Sept. 30, 2017 Out of the Gutter by God s Grace A Christian Psychological Approach to Shame Today s session Shame is that subtle, yet potent, voice that sometimes whispers, sometimes shouts, You re no good. A complex affect, shame is fueled by an array of factors, yet rooted in humanity s fallen nature. A Christian psychological approach to dealing with shame will differ significantly from secular models, which ignore the biblical reality of sin and God s offer of redemption through Jesus Christ. Today, we will consider two case studies of shame in different contexts. Special attention will be given to identifying the typical indicators of shame activation and defensiveness in both counselee and counselor. Finally, we will outline the rich psychospiritual benefits that Christ offers to all who suffer the pain and paralysis of chronic shame. Isaiah 54:4 (NET) Don t be afraid, for you will not be put to shame! Don t be intimidated, for you will not be humiliated! You will forget about the shame you experienced in your youth; you will no longer remember the disgrace of your abandonment. AACC 2017 World Conference Society for Christian Psychology Jonathan Badgett, Do not reproduce or distribute without permission.

2 Some perspectives on shame Definitions of shame reflect theological and/or psychological perspectives. Each of the following offers some important insight into this complex affective state and its accompanying cognitive, emotional, relational, and spiritual epiphenomena. For Puritan John Bunyan, shame competes directly with worship that is, the believer s quest to live wholly unto God. Bunyan (1678) Shame was a bold villain: I could scarce shake him out of my company; yea, he would be haunting of me, and continually whispering me in the ear with some one or other of the weak things that attend religion. But at last I told him it was in vain to attempt further in this business; for those things that he despised, in those did I see most glory; and so, at last, I got past this persistent one. And when I had shaken him off, then I began to sing. (p. 78) Kierkegaard identifies despair as the universal consequence of self s double estrangement from self and God brought about by sin and shame. The despairing self desires not to be itself, i.e. to die; whereas, by bringing the self before God, through faith in Christ, the God man, we are reconciled both to God and to self. Kierkegaard (1849) A person in despair despairingly wills to be himself. The self that he despairingly wants to be is a self that he is not, that is, he wants to tear his self away from the power [God] that established it. But this is his way of willing to get rid of himself. (p. 20) The self is healthy and free from despair only when, precisely having despaired, it rests transparently in God. (p. 30) Drawing on the descriptive imagery of the Bible, professors Dan Allender and Tremper Longman III vividly illustrate the corrosiveness of shameful self-evaluation. Allender, Longman (1994) Shame is the traumatic exposure of nakedness. (p. 195) Our culture declares, Shame arises because I am a victim and I feel bad about myself. The Bible declares, Shame arises because I am an idolater and I feel foolish when my idol topples. (p. 199) 2

3 Finally, Patricia DeYoung, a relational psychotherapist operating within a secular worldview, observes the inescapable interpersonal aspects of shame. DeYoung (2015) Shame seems like a one-person problem, the negative self-feelings a person has because he or she believes there s something terribly wrong with me. But in fact, shame is a relational problem; it has relational origins and it desperately needs relational attention, even though it is kept out of sight and out of the reach of relational contact. (p. xiii) Two case studies of shame Jeff and Margaret I had only one ill-fated session with Jeff and his wife, Margaret. When, triggered by some perceived slight, Jeff began berating his wife, cursing loudly and demeaning her with sexual epithets, I asked Margaret to step out for a few minutes. One-onone, however, Jeff and I fared no better. With Margaret out of the room, he immediately turned his scathing tongue on me. When it became clear we would not be able to communicate, I concluded the session. I offered to meet with them again if Jeff agreed to curb his vitriol, but he refused. As I would later learn, Jeff was raised by controlling and critical parents who would discipline him by, alternately, mocking and ignoring him. Even as an adult, Jeff continues to struggle to stay in their good graces. Jeff s combative and insulting behavior toward his wife and toward me reveal a typical indicator of shame the profound inability to engage in empathic self-reflection. Our session did, also, have the salutary effect of uncovering some work I needed to do on my own! Shame signals (transference): Defensive anger, disgust Shame signals (countertransference): Shame, anxiety/anger Application points: Think of those counselees who most struggle to engage in empathic selfreflection. Take some time to consider how shame the unwillingness to see self as it is could be at work. Difficulty empathizing with your counselee can be a subtle indicator of your negative evaluation of the person. In such cases, ask yourself, What about this person activates or, even, mirrors some shameful aspect of myself something I would rather not see in me? 3

4 Two case studies, cont d Mary A single, 30 year old, highly skilled professional who lives with her parents, Mary presented for counseling due to severe panic attacks she was having while singing with her church choir in Sunday services. With great reluctance, Mary would reveal that she had once been sexually molested by her older, male cousin when she was 10. She and her mother had gone to their pastor, who also happened to be Mary s uncle and the father of her abuser. He had convinced Mary s mother that it was in everyone s best interests for the matter to be laid to rest without confrontation. Mary s mother also decided that they would not tell Mary s father to protect him. Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close. Psalm 27:10 Twenty years later, Mary had still never told a soul about what happened. Her mother and father were still attending the same church, where Mary s cousin was now the worship leader. Mary had recently joined the choir in a new church to get away from him. She did not understand why I believed her panic attacks had something to do with this experience. Mary feels a seething rage for her cousin and disgust toward her uncle. She also has a great deal of anger toward her dad and thinks of him as unable to do anything. Finally, though she identifies as a Christian, Mary visibly recoils at the idea of Jesus being present with us in the room. Mary would eventually come to agree that the trauma of her abuse stemmed from both the physical act and, especially, the 20-year relational breech that had arisen between her and her dad. Our work has centered mainly on processing in various ways the relational trauma in the form of debilitating isolation as the source of Mary s difficulties. Her panic attacks have now completely disappeared. Shame signals (transference): Recurrent affect phobia, oppositional defiance Shame signals (countertransference): Tentativeness, frustration Application points: Mary has sexual fantasies of being a man, but isn t attracted to women. Consider how shame might be at work in this apparent contradiction. Reflect on that counselee who tends to find something wrong with much of what you say. How might shame contribute to his or her resistance to allowing you to enter fully into the dialogue? Select one: Many counselors work with others in the hopes of 1) understanding and resolving OR 2) avoiding their own psychospiritual unrest. Think through what your answer (or refusal to answer in these terms) might say about you. 4

5 The Gospel and the cure for shame Shame is a subjective/internal problem with intersubjective/external roots. It is the affective result of estrangement or abandonment. Consider this tragic yet telling depiction of the rape of Tamar, King David s daughter, by her half-brother: 2 Samuel 13:12-16 No, my brother! she cried. Don t be foolish! Don t do this to me! Such wicked things aren t done in Israel. Where could I go in my shame? And you would be called one of the greatest fools in Israel. Please, just speak to the king about it, and he will let you marry me. But Amnon wouldn t listen to her, and since he was stronger than she was, he raped her. Then suddenly Amnon s love turned to hate, and he hated her even more than he had loved her. Get out of here! he snarled at her. No, no! Tamar cried. Sending me away now is worse than what you ve already done to me. Tamar would live in seclusion, as a desolate woman, from that day on (v. 20). Relational psychotherapy has correctly identified the interpersonal roots of individual shame, yet can offer no final cure for chronic shame. DeYoung (2015) Is there a cure of chronic shame? As a psychotherapist, I would like to say to my clients, Yes, absolutely. We can beat this thing! As a person who has struggled to understand and integrate my own chronic shame, I would love to answer, Yes, I m over it. To be honest, however, I have to say, No, I don t think chronic shame can be cured. Long-term relational trauma leaves our psyches indelibly marked. Even with the best psychotherapy, we don t just get over a lifetime of wondering whether we really matter to those closest to us or whether we can be enough for those to whom we do matter. We don t radically reconfigure a personality built around anxious self-protection. (p. 162) But secular psychotherapy operates with a fatal blindspot. It cannot see (because it will not see) the help and healing God offers to the estranged and abandoned the unaccepted and worthless through the Gospel of Jesus Christ, God s good news of reconciliation. 5

6 The cure for shame, cont d 2 Corinthians 5:18 Johnson (2017) Christian psychology, on the other hand, recognizes the indispensable psychospiritual benefits of union with Christ through faith in him. We can do no better, whether as counselors, pastors, or other Christian caregivers, than when we endeavor to bring the estranged to the One who heals our shame. And all these things are from God who reconciled us to himself through Christ, and who has given us the ministry of reconciliation. The relationship of the counselor and counselee is crucially important for fostering, over time, progress in shame reduction through reconciliation. But only in learning to relate constructively to Jesus can counselees resolve the deepest, most penetrating relational wounds of which chronic shame is the bitter fruit. Communion with God and meditation on [the Gospel of grace] ideally along with corresponding, emotionally significant experiences of complete acceptance by important others, such as a good therapist and understanding friends can gradually reshape one s selfrepresentation and help to resolve long-standing, harmful negative emotion schemes such as shame-proneness. (p. 429) As believers, we have been invited into the garden by Jesus who died to welcome us back into loving fellowship with him and with the Father (Jn 14:21b, 23)! Our life in Christ is now mediated by the supervening presence of God s Holy Spirit. Though only in part, we can come to experience the psychospiritual benefits of our union with Christ in this life (1Co 13:12). The fullness of our healing from shame awaits the final coming of the Lord of glory (1Jn 2:28). Until that day, we walk with him by faith in Emmanuel God-with-us. Bibliography_Allender, D. B., & Longman, T. (1994). The cry of the soul: How our emotions reveal our deepest questions about God. Colorado Spring, CO: NavPress. Bunyan, J. (1678). Pilgrim s progress. New York: Penguin, DeYoung, P. A. (2015). Understanding and treating chronic shame: A relational and neurobiological approach. New York: Routledge. Johnson, E. L. (2017). God and soul care: The therapeutic resources of the Christian faith. Downer s Grove, IL: InterVarsity. Kierkegaard, S. (1849). The sickness unto death: A Christian psychological exposition for upbuilding and awakening (Trans. H. V. & E. H. Hong). Princeton, NJ: Princeton University Press, McCullough, L., et al. (2003). Treating affect phobia: A manual for short-term dynamic psychotherapy. New York: Guilford. 6