5/25/2017 AGENDA AGENDA (CONTINUED) STATISTICS

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1 AGENDA Presenter Introductions Dr. Stephanie Williams Michelle Sims Presentation of Workshop Goals Participants will develop strategies to help women overcome distorted images of God that derived from the father-daughter relationship. Participants will develop strategies to help women overcome feelings of unworthiness in establishing a relationship with Christ that derived from the father-daughter relationship. Participants will develop strategies to help women overcome feelings of a lack of trust in God s care. Participants will learn to what degree the father-daughter relationship had contributed to women seeking love from unhealthy sources. 1 2 AGENDA (CONTINUED) Introduction Discussion of statistics related to women in prison and the parental relationship. A vignette Group Discussion what does Sara need spiritual and emotionally. Distorted Images of God Discussion Unworthy feeling of a relationship with Christ Discussion Lack of Trust in God s Care Discussion Unhealthy Relationship Discussion Healing Sarah (woman from vignette) Conclusion Questions and Answers STATISTICS The Growing up without a Father Organization, stated, a study of 13,986 women in prison shared that more than half grew up without their father. Fortytwo percent grew up in a single-mother household and sixteen percent lived with neither parent (growingupwithoutafather.org). These statistics are significant in painting a picture of a woman that developed outward wrong choices from inward pain. If the woman s pain began as a child, emotional and spiritual struggles could have developed prior to the woman developing an understanding of her behavior. Psychology Today shares, eighty-five percent of youth in prison have an absent father; fatherless children are more likely to offend and go to jail in their adulthood (pychologytoday.com)

2 STATISTICS For women that are growing up without a father, other behaviors develop that contribute to wrong relationships and exploitation. Psychology Today, shares that promiscuity and teen pregnancy (fatherless children are more likely to experience problems with sexual health. Girls manifest an object hunger for males and in experiencing the emotional loss of their father egocentrically as a rejection of them, become susceptible to exploitation by adult men (Psychology Today). Teaching Nuggets: Our job becomes healing the little girl that didn t feel loved but now must function as an adult woman in a society that doesn t understand. SARAH S STORY Group Discussion: Why would Sarah feel that she was judged more that she was loved? What would make Sarah think the older man was safe? What role could the father had played in helping Sarah feel safe? Where did Sarah s concept of proving her love start? Sarah grew up in the Church. Did she have a relationship with God if so how did she stray so far? Sarah made her self promises in jail but what happened when she came home? Why is praying no longer an option for Sarah? Why does Sarah feel that God does not want anything to do with her after everything she did in her past and present? Teaching Nugget: The grown woman needs constant praise because the little girl didn t receive love and support. 5 6 SCRIPTURE REFERENCE DISTORTED IMAGE OF GOD TAMAR 2 ND SAMUEL13:1-22 As Tamar s father, David had the responsibility to provide the material, physical, spiritual and emotional needs of his daughter. Moreover, it was his duty to create a safe environment and protect her from all harm. David did not know that he had to shield his daughter from danger both inside and outside the palace and even from family. However, when given the opportunity, David did not demonstrate fatherly love and care toward Tamar when she needed emotional and spiritual support the most. Tamar did not experience healing or restoration. Her spiritual identity was compromised. The Old Testament story ends with Tamar living with her brother Absalom as a desolate woman. SARAH OUR VIGNETTE Sarah s father did not know that he had to shield her beyond the home and the church. Sarah s father in anger left Sarah vulnerable in an emotional state of disappointment and unworthy of his love. Sarah story ends with her inability to pray, all alone and wondering if her parents will love and support her baby more than what they showed her. Biblical section quotes (Williams, 2016, 6) Who is God in the lives of women who experience a distorted image of God Thurman, shares that religious lies make us spiritually ill. Without spiritual health none of us can be whole (Thurman 1999, 78). He shares religious lies can include God s love must be earned; God hates the sin and the sinner; Because I m a Christian, God will protect me from pain and suffering; all my problems are caused by sin; a good Christian doesn't feel angry, anxious or depressed (Thurman 1999, 79-99). In a dysfunctional family, the father and other family members paint a distorted image of how God handles sin (Williams 2016, 47). Williams share, A distorted image of God presents the daughter with a fragmented reflection of God and self. A daughter with a marred picture of God looks through her lenses with a spirit of alienation and rejection. She loves God but cannot see how depending on Him will provide her with protection. The daughter might think since God hates the sins of her family and allowed the consequences of their behavior; she would suffer the consequences of her sin (Williams 2016, 47). Teaching Nuggets: Change is biblical, theological and emotional (soul care)

3 DISTORTED IMAGE OF GOD (CONTINUED) Who is God in the lives of women who experience a distorted image of God McGee provides a portion of a story regarding a woman s relationship with God and her father. She had no right to come before God until she had somehow earned her father s approval. But she could never quite please him. She still struggles with the concept of God as an all-loving, all forgiving Father (McGee 1993, 209). Viewing God as the judge could be reflective of a distorted image of God s loving character. As our church member/client leaves prison and enters into society, she takes with her the view of the judicial system. If she struggled with seeing her father as the judge and the judge in her criminal case(s), she could see God as the judge. She could think that if I was not good enough for dad to stay, or love me, and the judge punished me for my sins, why would God love me? Teaching Nuggets: Changing the church member/client s spiritual identity requires a change in her mindset toward God. God can no longer be the judge but the loving Father. Providing Scriptures without relationship with God stunts Christian growth. UNWORTHY FEELINGS TOWARD A RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST The father has the ability to effect the daughter s relationship with Christ in a positive or negative manner. If the daughter saw God through the same distorted lenses as her father, she could stop being committed to following biblical principles. A daughter might become angry with God. She could wonder if God really cared. Through her negative thought pattern, she could begin to commit various sins as an escape mechanism. If the daughter, chose to escape through wrong relationships, taking care of her own needs and not developing a dependence on God, the more sin the daughter committed the more she would become alienated from God. In essence she would lack the understanding of God s forgiveness of her sins through a relationship with Jesus Christ (Williams 2016, 90-91). In a survey in Father, So who do you say I am: An Investigation of the Father s Influence on the Daughter s Spiritual Identity asking young women between the ages of 20 and 29, questions regarding the relationship with their father and their spiritual identity, shared their father affected their relationship with Christ. The average score of these questions for this goal was 5.53 on a Likert scale where 6.00 was the highest option, (Williams 2016, 112) UNWORTHY FEELINGS TOWARD A RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST In the survey, the women were asked the following questions: I believe Jesus Christ accepts me even when I make mistakes. I believe Jesus Christ forgives me of my wrong choices. I feel worthy to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. Of the forty-two respondents, twenty-five respondents shared that their relationship with their father impacted positively or negatively their relationship with Jesus Christ. Seventeen respondents were unaware or unsure of the correlation of their relationship with their father and Jesus Christ. Several of these comments deserve attention. These comments were: One respondent shared, I m not sure if it s due to my father but I can t seem to get any relationship right... I have major trust issues, separation problems and a lot of issues... I love Jesus Christ but for some reason I can t seem to get my relationship right with him either!!! UNWORTHY FEELINGS TOWARD A RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST Respondents shared their father affected their relationship with Jesus Christ in a positive manner. Several of these responses provided an overall positive example of the father s contribution to his daughter s relationship with Jesus Christ. Noteworthy comments were: he brought me closer to Jesus Christ and taught me how to love; he has shown me that all humans fail and are in need of a Savior; he died when I was 12, but he was a pastor and I remember his love for God which will always be pressed into my heart; made me depend on Jesus more; my father encourages my relationship with Christ. Another commented: It has enhanced my relationship because I know that my father would do whatever is necessary to make sure I am taken care of. So I know if he can do it with his limited resources than Jesus can do so even more with His unlimited resources

4 UNWORTHY FEELINGS TOWARD A RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST In addition respondents shared that their relationship with their father impacted their relationship with Christ negatively. Respondents shared: I haven t really had my father around, nor have I been to church or prayed a lot the older I have gotten; my dad never introduced me to Christ, So I don t believe; negative at times; It s hard to love God, I have built up a coldblack heart where displaying love is something I cannot do towards any man. God does not create the opportunity for human beings to sin. God however, utilizes the sin to accomplish his will in spite of the sinful behavior (Grudem 1994, 492). By allowing sinful behavior to work for the good, God creates a dependency for the daughter to rely on a source of power in him stronger than the sinful behavior of her father or others. LACK OF TRUST IN GOD S CARE In a healthy father-daughter relationship, the father s spiritual teaching could be connected to his daughter s positive feelings about God. The father could teach his daughter that God does not desire her to experience any unnecessary harm (Williams 2016, 139). If the father takes an active role, in helping his daughter overcome painful situations by leading her to God, his help seems to imply that the daughter could find relief. In comparison, if the father takes a less active role in helping his daughter with painful situations, his lack of assistance seems to indicate the daughter could live a life full of desolation and alienation from God and others (Williams 2016, 141). In order for a daughter to feel close enough to her father to seek protection, she would need to develop a bond of trust. McGee provides further insight of how the fatherdaughter relationship affects the daughter s trust level with God. He tells a portion of a woman s story. She shared, LACK OF TRUST IN GOD S CARE (CONTINUED) It s not that I didn t believe in God, but I had an inability to really trust him due to the fact that my father s wasn t consistently there for me. I mean, the protection would be there when he was there, but when he wasn t there we would always wonder, What if something happens while he s gone? Now when bad things happen, I wonder, Why wasn t God there? (McGee 1993, 209) In a father-daughter relationship, the lack of trust is not an immediate consequence of a wounded father-daughter relationship (McGee 1993, 82). McGee further describes the process of falling off a trapeze. He shares that if someone is falling and able to land in a safe space, trust in their ability and the equipment is successful. In comparing this type of fall to a father-daughter relationship, McGee suggest that if the father can catch the daughter before she falls, then trust is established. He states, But if the father isn t there, the child either continues to be up in the air or else suffers a slow and painful fall either way, all alone (McGee1993, 82-83). LACK OF TRUST IN GOD S CARE (CONTINUED) Robinson further argues the Bible places emphasis on the father. Children can rightly be called orphans, if their father is absent for any reason. Even the presence of a loving mother cannot replace a father (Robinson 2004, 10). A daughter without a father could wonder what a safe hug feels like. The daughter could wonder if she is beautiful no matter how dirty her face might be. As Canfield reflects on being a father, he shares a story of how his beautiful daughter can tumble and fall when participating in gymnastics and find herself with a scar. In a similar comparison of the scar, what is ironic is that a daughter can have outward beauty but without a father participating in her life, Canfield shares the daughter can have a scar. This too reminds me of the power of fathering. Or maybe, better said, the power of fatherlessness (Canfield 1996, 15). A father that helps his daughter feel safe can serve as a defender; however, the opposite is true. If the father is unable to provide safety to his daughter, she can lack a defender. A child without a father grows into adulthood lacking a defender

5 UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS Daughters often seek substitutes for their painful experience from childhood wounds derived from their father. McGee argues, This kind of emotional hunger acts in many ways is just like physical hunger (McGee 1993, 18). People who grew up starved for not enough fatherly love become victims in the same sense that someone might be victimized by an anonymous mugger or by a faceless cancer. The person who encounters such a trauma eventually develops discernable patterns of behavior. Unless the root problem is uncovered and dealt with, these reactions may continue throughout the victims life. (McGee 1993, 93) Daughters often seek substitutes for their painful experience from childhood wounds derived from their father. McGee argues, This kind of emotional hunger acts in many ways is just like physical hunger (McGee 1993, 18). Similar to McGee, Horie shares, when the father is no longer there, a child develops a compulsive hunger for security (Horie and Horie 1993, 59). The daughter s need to find security can create sinful choices. If we aren t provided with what is best for us, we will soon begin to seek other, less healthy substitutes (McGee 1993, 18). Robinson has a similar view of the implications of being hungry for a father. UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS (CONTINUED) Robinson believes, The Lord showed me the impact being fatherless had on my entire life- my attitudes, my actions, my beliefs, my decisions, my identity. When my father walked out of my life, confusion stepped in. I never believed in myself. I was fearful of life and fearful of death. In relationship, I longed for love and would do anything to prevent a man from leaving me. I lost my virginity to keep my first boyfriend from breaking up with me and subsequently equated sex with love. Men thought I was cool because whatever they wanted-time, sex, money, a meal- I provided. I viewed the inevitable end of these relationships as abandonment. (Robinson 2004, 5) In comparison, Schreur and Schreur ask the questions, In analyzing the term father, would a distant, uncaring, physical or sexual abusive father create dissonance in the imagery of a loving God? What if the father only appeared interested while he was single? However, the moment he met a new woman, he chose to ignore his daughter. (Schreur and Schreur 1996, 176) UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS (CONTINUED) McGee describes the connection between the men a daughter dates and her father s character. He shares, as she begins to date, guys who offer emotional health and security may seem strange to her. But when some guys come along with the same dysfunction as Dear Old Dad, the woman knows how to relate to him (McGee 1993, 136). The daughter that seeks love in the wrong places might not view herself in a positive light. A daughter might feel an initial satisfaction in getting her needs met but struggle with the aftermath of her pain that somehow her soul is still empty. The daughter can view her relationship with her father as the measuring stick of her worth with God. She can question if her father s inability to love and protect her is somehow her fault. Faulty thinking can lead to questions of self-worth and false punishment (McGee 1993, 37). Roberts shares a similar view; a damaged image depicts numerous emotions. The emotions range from anger, confusion, emptiness, fear, hurt, shame, guilt, loneliness, and turmoil. These emotions all intensify the label I am a bad and negative person (Roberts 1989, 64). Teaching Nuggets: A daughter might feel an initial satisfaction in getting her needs met but struggle with the aftermath of her pain that somehow her soul is empty. The daughter can view her relationship with her father as the measuring stick of her worth with God. It would be a painful experience for a daughter to search for the lost father always hoping to find him but instead find pain. A daughter lacking an emotional connection with her father can continuously search for an emotional connection in other men. Her thought process might include men that would be normally out of her reach due to age or other limitations (Williams 2016, 76). Wardle contributes, but rather than address the wounds head-on, we are taught to hide, stuff, cope, pretend and if possible forget them all together (Wardle 2005, 19). Robert also contributes, we hope the pain will leave. Women can change the outside through external forces; however, the inside can remain full of pain and shame (Roberts 1995, 64). Oden suggest that the root cause of the symptoms must be dealt with (Oden 1987, 198). In addition, he argues that the pastoral care of the church must respond to the wounded by teaching what characteristics God s requires and the blessings of God s mercy (Oden 1987, 201). Teaching Nugget: Traditional Women Bible Studies will not always work with wounded women. Utilizing a Care Group model that fosters trust, affirming relationships, conversational prayer and discussion of how to build intimacy with God and Christ through the reading the Scriptures

6 Refrain from promoting a legalistic process toward healing. If the daughter has experienced trust issues, the church can serve as a conduit in restoring trust for the daughter. Gangel and Wilhoit further share, the rejection of the institutional church may actually be an opportunity for spiritual growth and nurture (Gangel and Wilhoit 1994, 252). The church can now provide a healthy alternative to the dysfunctional love she experienced at home. The leaders can establish small groups similar to the Methodist Camp meetings. In the small groups the leaders can welcome the wounded daughter and mentor the spiritually healthy daughter in an authentic manner. A daughter that has utilized sinful behavior in finding substitutes for a loving father relationship can benefit from authentic ministry. Yaconelli shares, Authentic means real, genuine... Yaconelli 2003, 33). Authentic ministry is not ignoring the sin or glorifying the behaviors; however, authentic ministry sets the tone that we must rise above our sinful choices in order to experience the fullness of Christ (Yaconelli 2003, 34). In the midst of authentic relationships, the leaders can promote affirming relationships. Authentic ministry is not ignoring the sin or glorifying the behaviors; however, authentic ministry sets the tone that we must rise above our sinful choices in order to experience the fullness of Christ (Yaconelli 2003, 34). In the midst of authentic relationships, the leaders can promote affirming relationships. Developing affirming relationships will assist in the truth being identified. The affirming relationships will not perpetuate fast solutions but share in the journey of truth that leads to a healthy self-image (McGee 1990, 32). For the daughter that continued to seek love in the wrong places, as she develops affirming relationships she begins to recognize the unhealthy behaviors. Through the church, the daughter can develop healthy spiritual friendships that promote healing and growth Calhoun shares, Spiritual friendship involves cultivating a covenant friendship where I can naturally share about my life with God (Calhoun 2005, 151). Calhoun further argues, Discipling is the process of equipping, training and encouraging another in his or her apprenticeship to Jesus (Calhoun 2005, 135). As the church leaders encourage authentic ministry, spiritual walls that somehow the daughter must be perfect in order to establish a relationship with Christ is torn down. Christ becomes a healing force in the midst of darkness. The daughter s desire to run and hide behind false ministry connects to the desire to emotionally hide behind false masks (Williams 2016, 88). As the church leaders promote authentic ministry, the daughter could learn how to avoid sinful behavior. Other members of the small group could share the path to reconcile with Christ in spite of any sinful choices. Church leaders can teach the daughters the story of Christ s redemption and promote spiritual healing of the daughter (Williams 2016, 88). Matthew 27:46 depicts the real emotions that Jesus felt while on the cross. Yaconelli shares, exegetically, the text describes an imperfect response by a perfect Lord; we see the struggle, the pain and the despair of the crucifixion (Yaconelli 2003, 36). However, the story does not end with Jesus pain; the story continues with the reunion, and the redemption (Yaconelli 2003, 37). The church leaders could help teach the daughter that the wounds she experienced from her relationship with her father do not have to end with pain. Similar to Jesus the daughter can have a reunion with God and receive redemption. Redemption solidifies the need of the daughter to seek Jesus Christ to grow beyond the sinful behavior. The daughter can grow in her desire to receive more of God and less of the unhealthy substitutes

7 Receiving more of God is a process that requires releasing anger and forgiveness, obtaining freedom from shame, dealing with denial and developing a healthy view of God (Roberts 1995, 57). Developing a thought pattern that eliminates selfhatred, the feeling of worthlessness and that a terrible person exists is crucial to the healed image (Warner 1966, 207). A healed image represents a holistic identity; the daughter can experience both emotional and spiritual healing. The church leader can encourage the daughter to be honest in her assessment of her spiritual pain. Change to our image requires honesty. Three levels exist. If we are completely unaware of our need to heal, a solution will not be sought. If we are only superficially aware of our need and honest about it, we may only seek and find superficial remedies. However if the false mask can be identified and we can be honest about our pain at a deeper level, then power of healing is at deeper level (McGee 1990, 32). The Holy Spirit is part of the process of recognizing truth and the need for honesty. An additional path to healing the image is learning to process feelings. Daughters have a choice in responding to negative feelings such as being a failure or feelings that say I must not be important, since my father could not provide the love I always wanted. They can condemn or they can learn. By learning, God can still use the daughter s pain in the process. A battle in the mind occurs during the development of a healthy image. God represents truth and Satan who has lied to us from the original image represents the father of lies (Thurman 1999, 232). An integral part of healing is recognizing that moment by moment a choice exist to believe a lie or to believe the truth (Thurman 1999, 234). Chris Thurman identifies numerous steps to learning the truth. Steps to believing the truth and developing a healed self-image began with identifying the lies you believe. Crucial to this step is to determine the triggering event and the self-talk that develops from the lie. Connecting the emotions with the past event is also a step toward healing the self-image. Thurman continues with reviewing where self-worth and identity originally developed. This process occurs by reviewing worth development in connection with individual s roles that are part of everyday live (Thurman 1999, ). By replacing the lie with the truth of God decreases the daughter s chance to returning to the lie that God has eradicated A daughter that has both elements of a nurturing environment and sound doctrine can feel accepted while staying grounded in biblical principles. The closer she follows the Scriptures in the Bible, the more she feels God s love and acceptance, in spite of any sinful behavior (Williams 2016, 90). Kimball suggests that we need to be sure we aren t subtly misusing the Bible as a hammer or sword when it should be used as words of hope, healing and guidance (Kimball 2007, 207). In They Like Jesus but not the Church, Kimball argues that we need to be careful not to teach our opinions as what the Bible says and we need to use the Bible with love (Kimball 2007, ( ). Gangel and Wilhoit share, As we look in to the Bible we see our incredible value, our true nature, our inability to live independently, our complete redemption and our regeneration in Christ who dwells within us; spiritual formation is learning to listen to the Spirit bear witness with our spirits that we are children of God (Rom 8:15) (Gangel and Wihoit 1994, 253). In promoting healing of the daughter during the Bible study, two types of reading can occur. The daughter can read for information or for formational purposes. The practice of lectio divina can correct the balance because it stresses reading Scripture for spiritual formation through receptive openness to God s loving call of grace (Boa 2001, 175). The practice of formational reading can help the daughter relate the biblical Scriptures to her wounds. Formational reading focuses on small portions of the texts and the texts serves as a subject that shapes us (Boa 2001, 175). Members of the small group can ask poignant questions such as How has God spoken to you through the study of his Word; How has the Bible study affected your life (Calhoun 2005, 166)? The daughter must begin to listen to the voice of God and not the negative voices that derived from wounds and wrong choices

8 To promote integration of the emotional and spiritual aspects of identity, church group leaders can teach the daughter the process of journaling; journaling promotes a reflection of the student s own personal faith (Robbins 1990, 64). As a tool, the youth can write their own version of a psalm ; or they can learn to carry pen and paper as the read a psalm each day (Robbins 1990, 64). By integrating psalm writing into the small group ministry activities, a daughter learns how to express their emotions with God. The journaling is also an opportunity to review God s redemptive process of change. By writing a psalm, the daughter can develop belief and trust in God during difficult times, similar to the Psalmist in the Bible. If the daughter, chose to escape through wrong relationships, taking care of her own needs and not developing a dependence on God, the more sin the daughter committed the more she would become alienated from God. In essence she would lack the understanding of God s forgiveness of her sins through a relationship with Jesus Christ. Ortberg shares, The inability to accept the reality of forgiveness is the reason that God has given us the practice of confession (Ortberg 1997, 121). Calhoun adds, prayer groups can include group activities that promote praying one topic at a time and allowing several people to pray about the same thing (Calhoun 2005, 217). Conversational prayer is defined as praying conversationally engages two or more people in as shared dialogue with God. Focusing on one topic at a time each participant takes turn praying a few short sentences (Calhoun 2005, 215). One of the benefits of conversational prayer is that prayer becomes a heartfelt opportunity to share daily life challenges in a comfortable environment (Calhoun 2005, 216). Conversational prayers are not fancy or rehearsed; they are spontaneous, in the moment responses to heartfelt concerns (Calhoun 2005, 216). As the church leader promotes an environment conducive of healing, the daughter can learn how to grow closer to God through conversational prayer CONCLUSION Each prayer activity is for the glory of God (Foster 1992, 172). In application of the biblical text, ordinary prayer as a discipline would teach a daughter healing from spiritual wounds, a sense of humbleness and gratefulness that God can utilize every aspect of her life, even the spiritual wounds and past sinful behaviors. In reflection of the group time, church leaders an ask Where you aware of God s presence or was there a sense that you were simply thinking about yourself (Ortberg 1997, 145). Other reflective questions can include, What difficulties did you experience while praying and did you have any sense of being called to respond or carry out some action (Ortberg 1997, 145). The church has the opportunity to provide spiritual mirrors to the daughters; these mirrors project an image free of bondage and create living illustrations of a healthy self-image (Gangel and Wilhoit 1994, 253 ). If the father is willing to recognize how his behavior has hurt his daughter, the father can play a role in helping the daughter heal beyond her wounds. SARAH OUR VIGNETTE What did Sarah need from her father? LUKE 8:40-56 Jairus and his daughter Jesus and the Woman with the Issue of Blood

9 Please see attached Sheet REFERENCES QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS