RelationSLIPS Part Six: Crucial Conversations By F. Remy Diederich Cedarbrook Church

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Briana Robertson
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1 RelationSLIPS Part Six: Crucial Conversations By F. Remy Diederich Cedarbrook Church Outline: 1. A crucial conversation involves: high stakes, strong emotions, differing opinions. 2. When conversations turn crucial we are often on our worst behavior. 3. Relationship Principle #7: You prevent and overcome relationslips when you are able to successfully handle crucial conversations. Seven Steps for Handling Crucial Conversations 1. Go to the person. Matthew 5:23,24, 18:15 2. Put the relationship first. Ephesians 4:3, Romans 12:18, John 17:21 3. Expand the pool of knowledge. 4. Make it safe. Galatians 6:1 o Look for signs of fear: pleasing, punishing, pulling away o Be curious, not condemning. o Admit your faults o Listen. James 1:19 5. State your case: where you agree and disagree. 6. Move to a decision or next step. 7. Circle back to reaffirm your conversation and commitments. Message Over the past few weeks we ve been looking at how to prevent and overcome relationslips. If you haven t been here, RelationSLIPS are the unfortunate things we do and say that undermine our relationships. We all do them. But the reason we are spending so much time on them is because we are God s representatives his ambassadors here on earth and we want to represent God the best we can by loving people the best we can. Now, there s one more topic we haven t talked about in this series and that s conflict. Some of our biggest relationslips come from mishandling conflict. Wouldn t you agree? One writer put it like this: Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. AMBROSE BIERCE I think most of us can relate to that! You know, if we are going to learn how to deal with conflict, the first thing we have to do is accept that it happens: Conflict happens. Every day. All the time. You can try to avoid it, but you can t escape it. Unless you can find a group of people that are exactly like you, you will 1

2 have conflict. And so we would all be a lot better off if we just accepted that fact and learned how to handle it. The Bible is full of conflict. We aren t exempt from conflict just because we love Jesus. The apostle Paul tells of a time when he got in a fight with Peter. The backstory is that Paul had started a church in the town of Antioch. Up until then, only Jews followed Jesus. But Paul welcomed non-jews to his church. The church leaders weren t so sure that was kosher, literally, so they sent a team of people to investigate. Paul tells about it in one of his letters: When Peter came to Antioch, I had to openly oppose him because he was completely wrong. He ate with people who were not Jewish until some men James had sent from Jerusalem arrived. Then Peter drew back and would not associate with people who were not Jewish. He was afraid of those who insisted that circumcision was necessary. The other Jewish Christians also joined him in this hypocrisy. Even Barnabas was swept along with them. Galatians 2:11-13 In the book of Acts it mentions this encounter and calls it a fierce dispute. I looked up the Greek for those two words and it s also translated, insurrection! So we are talking a serious conflict. They might have even been duking it out! Acts also mentions that Paul got in a fight with Barnabas: Paul and Barnabas disagreed so sharply that they parted ways. Acts 15:39 That must have been a rough month for Paul. My point here is simply that conflict is going to happen even with the best people the most godly people. I m mean, Peter and Paul it doesn t get any better than that. But they still had their relationslips. So what can I tell you in the next twenty minutes that can help you manage conflict? Last year the church staff went through a helpful book called Crucial Conversations. It defined a crucial conversation as a discussion between two or more people where There are (1) high stakes, that is, it involves the risk of losing something valuable (2) strong emotions and (3) differing opinions. When those three things are in place you should be on high alert because your conversation could get heated in a hurry, and when things get heated, that s when you make relationslips. That s why many people avoid crucial conversations all together. They back away because they fear they ll make things worse. The book says: We ve become masters at avoiding tough conversations. Coworkers send to each other when they should walk down the hall and talk turkey. Bosses leave voice mail in lieu of meeting with their direct reports. Family members change the subject when an issue gets too risky. 2

3 On the other hand, if we choose to have the conversation we often fail miserably. In fact, when conversations matter the most that is, when conversations move from casual to crucial the book says we re generally on our worst behavior. Think about that: when you and I need to be at our best, we are often at our worst. When we need to bring our A game, we play our worst game. The book describes what happens in detail. See if you can relate: consider a typical crucial conversation. Someone says something you disagree with about a topic that matters a great deal to you and the hairs on the back of your neck stand up. The hairs you can handle. Unfortunately, your body does more. Two tiny organs seated neatly atop your kidneys pump adrenaline into your bloodstream. You don t choose to do this. Your adrenal glands do it, and then you have to live with it. And that s not all. Your brain then diverts blood from activities it deems nonessential to high-priority tasks such as hitting and running [the fight or flight syndrome]. Unfortunately, as the large muscles of the arms and legs get more blood, the higher-level reasoning sections of your brain get less. As a result, you end up facing challenging conversations with the same intellectual equipment available to a rhesus monkey Let s add another factor. Crucial conversations are frequently spontaneous. More often than not, they come out of nowhere. And since you re caught by surprise, you re forced to conduct an extraordinarily complex human interaction in real time no books, no coaches, and certainly no short breaks while a team of therapists runs to your aid and pumps you full of nifty ideas We are our own worst enemy. Does that sound familiar? But here s the deal; your success in life is directly related to your ability to have these conversations. Your success at work, with friends, with your spouse and children, with honoring God they all depend on your ability to have crucial conversations. So here is Relationship Principle #7: You prevent and overcome relationslips when you are able to successful handle crucial conversations. The book says that when people are trained in crucial conversation skills, three things happen: they double their chance of happiness and staying in the relationship. They increase their immune system, which means they are sick less. And they live longer. Now, unfortunately, the Bible doesn t have a chapter on crucial conversations. Paul probably could have used a chapter like that. So I pulled together seven steps based on Jesus teaching, Paul s teaching, the book Crucial Conversations, and my own experience. Honestly, I ve learned a lot from making mistakes. I m hoping you can be saved from some of my crucial conversation failures. So, let s get practical and see if these steps can help us. 3

4 The first step is to simply go to the person with whom you have conflict. Now, I realize there are always exceptions. For example, if your conflict is with an abusive person. That s an exception. But in more cases than not, Jesus wants us to go to the person. That s what Jesus did with us, right? We were at odds with God and Jesus came to us. We are going to celebrate that with communion at the end of this message. Jesus set us an example and that s why he said: If a believer does something wrong, go, confront him when the two of you are alone. If he listens to you, you have won back that believer. Matthew 18:15 If someone has done something wrong, you need to go to them. But Jesus said the reverse too, if someone has something against you, you still need to go to them: if you are offering your gift at the altar and remember there that another believer has something against you, leave your gift at the altar. First go and make peace with that person. Matthew 5:23,24 But we don t like doing that, do we? In our mind, we can t have an honest conversation without hurting the other person, or being hurt ourselves, so we take a pass. But as God s people it s our job to model to the world what God has done. You see, this isn t a matter of what you feel like doing. You have a responsibility to represent God to the world by making peace. Jesus made the effort to come to us and make peace. So that s our job as well: modeling peace-making principles to the world. My guess is that there are many of us who need to go to someone to resolve a conflict. Now, be careful with the timing. Don t contact the person until you ve thought this through. But sometime between today and the end of the year you re going to want to sit down and clear the air. And just so you know I ve got one of these conversations this week. I really do practice what I preach! Here s the second step: Put the relationship first. Never lose sight of that. Unity is at the heart of God. Jesus prayed for us and said: Father, might they be one as we are one. John 17:21 And Paul wrote to a church telling them that they should: make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit. Ephesians 4:3 In another letter he said: As much as it is up to you, be at peace with all people. Romans 12: 18, The goal of a crucial conversation isn t to prove the other person wrong, or to get them to think like you. The goal isn t to shame them. The goal is to clarify a misunderstanding, get back on the same page, and preserve the relationship if at all possible. It s not always possible but we need to at least make the effort. 4

5 The third step is to Expand the Pool of knowledge. I got this phrase from the book, Crucial Conversations. I like the word picture. When two people disagree they have two pools of knowledge that are seemingly at odds with each other. Look at the graphic. We go into these conversations fearing that our pool will be eliminated that we will lose our pool, or if our pool wins, we ll lose the relationship. But the goal shouldn t be YOUR way or MY way but a BETTER way through dialogue. Rather than seeing the other person as a threat, why not see the other person s view as a way to expand your knowledge? Maybe their view will enhance your view, not negate it. Maybe by combining your thoughts you ll come out with more, not less. If we took a more positive approach we wouldn t fear conflict so much. The fourth step is to make it safe. I m sure the apostle Paul had plenty of time to reflect on his conflict with Peter and Barnabas and maybe that s why he wrote these words later: Brothers and sisters, if a person gets trapped by wrongdoing, those of you who are spiritual should help that person turn away from doing wrong. Do it in a gentle way. At the same time watch yourself so that you also are not tempted. Galatians 6:1 As Paul got older, I think he learned how to confront people with more grace. Paul paints a picture of coming along side someone to help them, not just correct them. But that s not what we envision with a crucial conversation, is it? We expect a fight. We expect a winner and a loser. And it doesn t feel safe. For example, if you have a teenage daughter, she might be afraid to talk to you because She s convinced she ll be lectured, grounded, and cut off from the only guy who seems to care about her. So what can you do to make your conversations safe? Let me give you a few ideas: Look for signs of fear. A few weeks ago I mentioned that when people feel insecure they do one of three things: they punish, they please, or they pull away. When you see this happening that means the other person doesn t feel safe. They are in protection mode, not communication mode. So, don t criticize them, respond in, what Paul called, a gentle way. So, be curious, not condemning. Rather than telling them how they are wrong, say things like: Help me undertand. Tell me what you re thinking. Help me see what you see. And promise yourself that you won t use inflammatory words; that is: words that belittle the other person or disrespects them. That only throws gas on the fire. Solomon put so well: A gentle answer turns away wrath. Proverbs 15:1 That s great counsel. I ve seen this to be true so often. A gentle answer calms everyone down. 5

6 Another thing you can do is be quick to admit your faults. If people bring up something you did to offend them, don t dig in your heals. Own it and ask their forgiveness. What have you got to lose, except maybe some pride. When they see that you are willing to admit your failure they ll realize that it s not a witch hunt. That you are truly seeking to understand them. The best thing you can do to make it safe is just listen. The apostle James said it well. Be quick to listen and slow to speak. James 1:19 You want to draw them out and listening does that. Remember, you are trying to increase the pool of knowledge, not prove them wrong. So say things like, Can you tell me more about that? Can you give me an example? Let me see if I have this right. You said you are fine, but you don t look fine. What s really going on? I know the temptation is to NOT draw them out. You want to get them to hurry up so you can talk. But that doesn t feel safe. When people see that you are trying to make it safe and not just win, they will let their guard down and you can have a real conversation. Okay, the fifth step is to State your case. Let me share a little graphic with you that has been helpful to me. This is a graph of the intensity of emotion someone has sharing their anger with you. When do think is the best time to state your case? As soon as they start to vent or when they are done venting? Right here, when they are done. Not here, when they just get started. If you interrupt them in the beginning that will only make them madder, which will increase the emotion and the time they vent. Bad move! In fact, when they think they are done, you should ask them for the last 10%. Most people hold back the most important stuff. So you have to ask for it, like, Is there anything else you wanted to tell me that you ve held back so far? There s always something. When the air is all out of the balloon that s when it s your turn to talk. NOW they will listen to what you have to say. Before that, they are more interested in what THEY have to say. But waiting requires a lot of patience and discipline and humility on your part! But here s the good news: God wants you to make peace and so he will give you what you need to make it happen. The question is: will you receive what he wants to give you? Start by telling them what you can agree with. Then mention your area of disagreement in a way that doesn t make them look bad. No digs. No sarcasm. No exaggerations. Just the facts plus your desire to clear the air. 6

7 Six, Move to a decision. But be careful here. Don t fool yourself into thinking that you reached a decision just because you had a crucial conversation. Some of Lisa and my biggest arguments came AFTER we had a good talk because we never agreed on the outcome. We both left the talk thinking we agreed. But in reality, we left with two different expectations and we paid for it later. When a situation came up that we talked about, I would catch Lisa doing/not doing what I thought we agreed on. And she d said, We never agreed. We TALKED about it, but we never came to an agreement. You just assumed I agreed with you. Dang. She was right. I DID assume she agreed with me. I mean, my way was the best way! Or so I thought. So, make a decision that you can both live with. If you can t, determine the next steps. Do you need more time? More information? Does someone need to decide for you? Don t force a decision if you can t agree. Sometimes men think they have the right to make the decision. I don t agree. If you can t agree that means you need to talk more, pray more, etc. until you discuss an answer. But at least agree on a next step. Finally, circle back to reaffirm your conversation and commitments. I ve seen it happen over and over: you feel good walking away, but within the hour your mind fills with doubt and you start to question what just took place. Your lack of trust for the person destroys everything you just worked to achieve. So it s smart to talk to them the next day just to affirm what was said. Now, you might think this sounds like work. Yes, it is. But that s the price of unity. Jesus had to die to create unity with us. We also need to make a great effort to make peace. So yes, crucial conversations are hard, but they are what we need to do and God is more than happy to give us the grace to develop these skills because he wants us to make peace with each other. Now we are going to celebrate communion. As you come forward I want you to be thinking about the people in your life that you need to go to, to make peace. Prayer: Father, you set the example for us by sending Jesus to make peace with us. Show us whom you want us to contact, when it should happen, and how to make it happen. Work in us the character it takes to make peace with everyone we possibly can. Amen. Going Deeper: use the following questions for personal reflection and/or to discuss with your family, friends or small group. 1. Do you hate conflict? Why or why not? Are there past encounters that scare you away from confrontations? 2. What would it say about us if there was never any conflict? 3. What are the benefits of healthy conflict? What can go wrong when people avoid healthy conflict? 4. What are the three aspects of a crucial conversation? That is, what makes it crucial? 7

8 5. Remy said that we are often on our worst behavior during crucial conversations. Why is that? 6. What is the biggest fear in having a crucial conversation? 7. Review the seven steps to handling crucial conversations. Which steps do you often miss? What happens when you do? How can you make sure you don t miss them in the future? 8. Who are the people in your life with whom you need to have a crucial conversation? Ask God for wisdom, grace, and timing to reach out to them. 8

Step 1 Pick an unwanted emotion. Step 2 Identify the thoughts behind your unwanted emotion

Step 1 Pick an unwanted emotion Pick an emotion you don t want to have anymore. You should pick an emotion that is specific to a certain time, situation, or circumstance. You may want to lose your anger