A LITTLE PRIVACY. Vol. 17 Issue 01 All Rights Reserved 2019

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Elijah Adams
5 years ago
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Vol. 17 Issue 01 All Rights Reserved 2019 A LITTLE

would like to buy a pair of pink ' curtains she

The salesman assures her that they have a large

but the blonde seems to be having a hard time

Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.

'That sounds very small. What room are they for?

1 Vol. 17 Issue 01 All Rights Reserved 2019 A LITTLE PRIVACY A Blonde goes into a big box stores to buy curtains. She tells the salesman, 'I m redecorating and I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.' curtains she needs. The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size The blonde promptly replies, 'Seventeen inches.' 'Seventeen inches?' asked the salesman. 'That sounds very small. What room are they for?' The blonde says, 'They aren't for a room. They are for my new computer monitor. 'The surprised salesman replies, 'But Miss, computers do not need curtains!' The blonde says, 'Helllloooooo...I've Windooooows. got PUBLISHED AND DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY BY PASSTIMES OF ARIZONA, LLC - PASSTIMESAZ@LIVE.COM

2 LAST YEAR S RESOLUTION WAS TO LOSE 20 POUNDS BY CHRISTMAS. ONLY 30 POUNDS TO GO ONLY FOOLS MOCK SIN

FOOLS LOVE THAT WHICH GOD ABHORS, AND DISLIKE THAT WHICH

ONE YEAR AND OUT THE OTHER YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER WHEN.

He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser.

" During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

the stand!" and proceeds to go to sleep.

Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little

Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge,

4 FOOLS LOVE THAT WHICH GOD ABHORS, AND DISLIKE THAT WHICH GOD LOVES A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION IS SOMETHING THAT GOES IN ONE YEAR AND OUT THE OTHER YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER WHEN... The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser." He picks the jury by playing "duck-duckgoose." During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy. Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to go to sleep. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger. Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever." He begins closing arguments with, "As Perry Mason once said..." He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra. He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."

MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION LIST USUALLY STARTS WITH THE DESIRE TO LOSE BETWEEN 10 AND 3,000 POUNDS LEAPIN YEARS, BATMAN The Romans originally had a 355-day calendar.

To correct this, Caesar eliminated the extra month and added one or two extra days to the end of various months, thus extending the calendar to our current 365 days.

esar s death in 44 B.C., the calendars were written with an extra day every 3 years instead of every 4. So again, the calendar drifted away from the seasons.

occur in any year that is divisible by 4 but not divisible by 100. But not when the year is divisible by 400, such as the years 2000, 1600, 800 and so on. Sometimes.

5 MY NEW YEARS RESOLUTION LIST USUALLY STARTS WITH THE DESIRE TO LOSE BETWEEN 10 AND 3,000 POUNDS LEAPIN YEARS, BATMAN The Romans originally had a 355-day calendar. To keep up with the seasons, an extra 22 or 23- day month was inserted every second year, or so. To correct this, Caesar eliminated the extra month and added one or two extra days to the end of various months, thus extending the calendar to our current 365 days. He also intended an extra calendar day every fourth year (following the 28th day of Februarius). However, after Caesar s death in 44 B.C., the calendars were written with an extra day every 3 years instead of every 4. So again, the calendar drifted away from the seasons. By 1582, Pope Gregory XIII recognized that Easter would eventually become closer and closer to Christmas, so the calendar was reformed again so that a leap day would occur in any year that is divisible by 4 but not divisible by 100. But not when the year is divisible by 400, such as the years 2000, 1600, 800 and so on. Sometimes. But not always. It gets really strange after that and apparently monks and ascetics were consumed with this problem. Probably still are. We use the Gregorian calendar to this day. Our year officially has days and is only off from our solar year by.one day every 4,000 years. The next leap year will be in 2020.

6 SLEEP IS MY DRUG.MY BED IS MY DEALER AND MY ALARM CLOCK IS THE POLICE MAKE AT LEAST ONE PERSON HAPPY EVERY DAY

7 I WAS COOKING FOR MY FAMILY. IT WAS GOING TO BE A SURPRISE. THE FIRE TRUCKS RUINED IT. IF YOU LAUGH WHILE THE WHOLE BARN IS BURINING DOWN, IT AIN T YOUR BARN THERE WOULD BE NO SICKNESS, IF THERE HAD BEEN NO SIN

IN THE NEW YEAR, MAY YOUR RIGHT HAND ALWAYS BE STRETCHED OUT IN FRIENDSHIP, NEVER IN WANT - IRISH TOAST I M ALWAYS READY TO

13, 1128, Pope Honorius II sanctions the military order known as the Knights Templar, founded in 1118, declaring it to be

The Templars protected Christian pilgrims during the Crusades, military expeditions aimed at defeating Muslims in the Holy

The former cavalry sergeant major found that if he galloped in a tight circle, centrifugal force allowed him to perform

8 IN THE NEW YEAR, MAY YOUR RIGHT HAND ALWAYS BE STRETCHED OUT IN FRIENDSHIP, NEVER IN WANT - IRISH TOAST I M ALWAYS READY TO LEARN; I JUST DON T LIKE TO BE TAUGHT * On Jan. 13, 1128, Pope Honorius II sanctions the military order known as the Knights Templar, founded in 1118, declaring it to be an army of God. The Templars protected Christian pilgrims during the Crusades, military expeditions aimed at defeating Muslims in the Holy Land. * On Jan. 9, 1768, Englishman Philip Astley stages the first modern circus in London. The former cavalry sergeant major found that if he galloped in a tight circle, centrifugal force allowed him to perform seemingly impossible feats on a horse s back. * On Jan. 11, 1908, U.S. President Theodore Roosevelt declares the massive 800,000-acre area of the Grand Canyon in northwestern Arizona a national monument to ensure that it would remain as it was. Congress, however, would not officially outlaw private development in the Grand Canyon until 1919.

ENTERED WHAT I ATE TODAY INTO MY NEW FITNESS APP AND IT JUST SENT AN

THAN HIS CARELESSNESS ABOUT SIN * On Jan.

bought a birthday gift that would change history: a $6.95 guitar.

10, 1967, President Lyndon Johnson asks for enactment of a 6 percent

American public tiring of the controversial war. * On Jan.

Pyramids in Egypt is abandoned in favor of methods used by the ancient

Restorers stopped using mortar and adopted the system of interlocking

9 ENTERED WHAT I ATE TODAY INTO MY NEW FITNESS APP AND IT JUST SENT AN AMBULANCE TO MY HOUSE NO GREATER PROOF CAN BE SHOWN OF MAN S IUNBELIEF, THAN HIS CARELESSNESS ABOUT SIN * On Jan. 8, 1946, Elvis Presley's mother took him to the Tupelo Hardware Store and bought a birthday gift that would change history: a $6.95 guitar. Legend says Presley had really wanted a rifle or a bicycle. * On Jan. 10, 1967, President Lyndon Johnson asks for enactment of a 6 percent surcharge on personal and corporate income taxes to help support the Vietnam War. The proposal, approved by Congress in March 1967, backfired with an American public tiring of the controversial war. * On Jan. 12, 1984, the use of modern construction techniques to restore the Great Pyramids in Egypt is abandoned in favor of methods used by the ancient Egyptians. Restorers stopped using mortar and adopted the system of interlocking blocks practiced by the original pyramid builders. * On Jan.07, 1999, the Senate begins the impeachment trial of President Bill Clinton based on 11 grounds, including perjury, obstruction of justice, witness-tampering, lying under oath and abuse of power. (c) 2018 Hearst Communications, Inc.

11 GOD DID NOT CREATE MAN TO BE FULL OF ACHES, AND PAINS, AND INFIRMITIES. THESE THINGS ARE THE FRUITS OF MAN S FALL FROM GRACE ENTHUSIASM MOVES THE WORLD

AN OPTIMIST STAYS UP UNTIL MIDNIGHT TO SEE THE NEW YEAR IN.

Button, the program veterans can use to access their health information from multiple sources on cellphone and web apps.

If something is missing, you'll spot that omission. So far, over 2 million veterans have downloaded 32 million of their health files.

You can choose a date range and the kind of information you want from your VA health records.

health, weight and blood pressure, and your personal goals.

12 AN OPTIMIST STAYS UP UNTIL MIDNIGHT TO SEE THE NEW YEAR IN. A PESSIMIST STAYS UP TO MAKE SURE THE OLD YEAR LEAVES I M SO PUNCTUAL THAT I M LONELY BLUE BUTTON HEALTH APP OPENS RECORDS TO VETS The Department of Veterans Affairs is adding more features to Blue Button, the program veterans can use to access their health information from multiple sources on cellphone and web apps. But the greatest benefit, I believe, is the Health API, which allows veterans to access, download and even update their own medical records. If something is incorrect in your records, you'll know it. If something is missing, you'll spot that omission. So far, over 2 million veterans have downloaded 32 million of their health files. With Blue Button, if you're signed up for My HealtheVet, you can select a text file or.pdf that you can read, print or save on a computer. You can choose a date range and the kind of information you want from your VA health records. If you have the premium My HealtheVet, you can enter information and data into the record, such as your medical conditions and medical history, allergies and adverse reactions, medications, family health, weight and blood pressure, and your personal goals. Data present from the health record will include notes after January 2013, pathology reports, radiology reports, vitals, wellness reminders, allergies and immunizations, as well as your current and past two years of appointments. Data from the Department of Defense will include your military service information. To learn more about Blue Button, go online to bluebutton. To see how comprehensive this is, scroll to near the bottom and select either the text or.pdf sample to view. Blue Button is part of the whole VA API system. This includes Benefits API (track and receive notifications about your claims), Facilities API (get locations, hours, wait times at your facility) and now the Health API. To learn more about what these do, go online to (c) 2018 King Features Synd., Inc.