YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER WHEN...

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1 Vol. 17 Issue 08 All Rights Reserved 2019 YOU NEED A NEW LAWYER WHEN... The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they high-five each other During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser" He picks the jury by playing "duck-duckgoose" During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to go to sleep He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever." He begins closing arguments with, "As Perry Mason once said..." He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs" PUBLISHED AND DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY BY PASSTIMES OF ARIZONA, LLC - PASSTIMESAZ@LIVE.COM

2 WE ALL ADMIRE THE WISDOM OF THOSE THAT COME TO US FOR ADVICE COUNT ME IN After many years of living among a tribe of friendly natives, was honored to observe one of their most ancients ceremonies, the Great Ceremony of Laughter. This ceremony was held once a month and had been for as far back as the tribe could remember. REFUSE TO BE AVERAGE The ceremony began. All the men in the tribe sat round about the fireplace. The Chief stood up. "56", he said in a loud voice. The men laughed. The explorer looked at them. He didn't understand at all. What was so funny about 56? Another native stood up and said: "22" and the men laughed, but less than they had at 56. The next man stood up, said a number and everybody laughed,. The explorer thought: "Hmm...why don't I try myself?" He stood up, cleared his throat and said: "236." An uncomfortable silence filled the air, then all the men laughed, some so hard they fell to the ground! "Hey, what's so funny?, he asked. The Chief explained: "We ve heard our own jokes so many times that we just number them, and now when we want to tell a joke we just say the number and everybody knows which one it is. We ve never heard your joke before!!

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4 IT TAKES BUT ONE POSITIVE THOUGHT TO OVERPOWER AN ENTIRE ARMY OF NEGATIVE THOUGHTS THE GENESIS OF GENESIS The Book of Genesis opens with the story of creation. God creates the world by speaking into the darkness and created light, sky, land, plants, and living creatures in six days. On the sixth day, God created a being in his own image. He made man out of dust and a woman out of the man s rib. God put Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, telling them to enjoy the day to day life fully, the only restriction was not to eat the fruit of tree of the knowledge of good and evil. LOVE IS, IN IT S ESSENCE, SPIRITUAL Since God created humans in his image we resemble our Creator in our capacity to display such qualities as love and justice. And like our Creator, we have free will. God wanted the pair to be obedient and grateful for the world he gave them. But in the garden, Eve encounters a serpent who convinces her to eat the tree s forbidden fruit, assuring her that she will not suffer if she does so. Eve shares the fruit with Adam, and the two are immediately filled with shame and the realization that they are naked. The try to hide from God. God discovers their disobedience and after cursing the serpent, he tells Eve, childbirth will be painful and Adam will have to work for food. The two were banished from Eden.

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6 Answers 1. Crepitus 2. The Hugo Award 3. Lancer 4. The Pink Ladies 5. U.S. Military Academy at West Point 6. Mississippi 7. Rum 8. A pandemonium 9. Blue Moon Detective Agency miles wide (c) 2019 King Features Synd., Inc. MATURITY BLURS THE LINE BETWEEN WORK AND PLAY THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS THAT YOU ALWAYS KNOW THE RIGHT THING TO DO. THE HARD PART IS DOING IT CHOOSE AN AUTHOR AS YOU WOULD CHOOSE A FRIEND WAIT. BE PATIENT. LIFE S STORMS WILL PASS. THE SPRING WILL COME 1. MEDICAL: What is the medical name for joints that pop and crack? 2. LITERATURE: What is the name of the annual award for the best science fiction or fantasy writing? 3. U.S. PRESIDENTS: What was the Secret Service's code name for President John F. Kennedy? 4. MOVIES: What was the name of the girl gang in the movie "Grease"? 5. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Which top college's motto is "duty, honor, country"? 6. PERSONALITIES: In which state was author Tennessee Williams born? 7. FOOD & DRINK: Which popular liquor is made from fermented and distilled sugar cane juice or molasses? 8. ANIMAL KINGDOM: What is a group of parrots called? 9. TELEVISION: What was the name of the detective agency in the 1980s comedy "Moonlighting"? 10. HISTORY: How wide is the Korean Demilitarized Zone?

7 ALWAYS LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE LEFT. NEVER LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE LOST WHAT'S UP WITH F AND J I would like you to do something for me the next time you are in front of your computer. Look down at your keyboard and locate the letters F and J. By any chance, do you notice anything a little different about those two keys? Well, depending on the color of your keyboard, it may be a little hard to see, but those two letters happen to have a little "bump" on them. It's just a little line that goes across the key that sticks up a little like a bump. Did you ever wonder why those are there? Well here is a very simply answer! The two bumps are there to help you position your hands on the keyboard in the correct places without having to look down! All you have to do is feel around for those two bumps and your right and left hands will be in the right spots. I'm sure you already know this, but the correct way is to place your left index finger on the F key and your right index finger on the J key. You then just line up the rest of your fingers on the other keys to begin typing. CIVILIZATIONS DIE OF SUICIDE NOT FROM MURDER So, the little bumps were actually put there to make sure your hands are in the correct position when you type! They really can even help you start typing without having to look down for placement too. So next time you sit down to use your computer, feel around for those bumps and see if they make your typing days any easier!

8 TOUGH TIMES NEVER LAST, BUT TOUGH PEOPLE DO SOONER OR LATER, MAN HAS ALWAYS HAD TO DECIDE WHETHER HE WORSHIPS HIS OWN POWER OR THE POWER OF GOD PROBLEMS ARE GUIDELINES NOT STOP SIGNS.

9 CIVILIZATION IS A MOVEMENT NOT A CONDITION I'D RATHER ATTEMPT TO DO SOMETHING GREAT AND FAIL THAN TO ATTEMPT TO DO NOTHING AND SUCCEED ANYBODY WHO SUCCEEDS IS HELPING PEOPLE

10 IN SOME COUNTRIES AN AIR CONDITIONER IS CALLED A POLITICIAN BECAUSE IT MAKES A LOT OF NOISE BUT DOESN'T WORK VERY WELL * On Feb. 28, 1844, President John Tyler cruises the Potomac with 400 others aboard the U.S. Navy's new steam frigate USS Princeton. The Princeton carried a new 12-inch, 27,000-pound cannon called the Peacemaker. During a test firing, the cannon exploded, killing several aboard, including two members of Tyler's cabinet. * On March 3, 1875, the first indoor game of ice hockey is played in Quebec. Prior to the move indoors, ice hockey was a casual outdoor game, with no rules regarding the number of players per side. For the 1875 Montreal game, the ball was replaced with a wooden disc, now known as a puck. * On March 2, 1929, The Jones Act, the last gasp of the Prohibition, is passed by Congress. The act strengthened the federal penalties for bootlegging.

11 JUST AS A CANDLE CANNOT BURN WITHOUT FIRE, MEN CANNOT LIVE WITHOUT GOD * On Feb. 27, 1936, Shirley Temple receives a new contract from 20th Century Fox that will pay the 7-year-old star $50,000 per film, equal to $910, in today's dollars. The studio also altered her birth certificate, making it appear that she was a year younger. * On Feb. 26, 1949, from Carswell AFB in Texas, the Lucky Lady II, a B-50 Superfortress, takes off on the first nonstop round-the-world flight. The Lucky Lady II was refueled four times in the air and returned after 94 hours. * On Feb. 25, 1964, Cassius Clay shocks the odds-makers by dethroning world heavyweight boxing champ Sonny Liston in a seventh-round technical knockout. Later that year, Clay took the Muslim name of Muhammad Ali. * On March 1, 1971, a bomb explodes in the Capitol building in Washington, D.C., destroying a bathroom and barber shop but injuring no one. A group calling itself the "Weather Underground" claimed credit for the bombing, done in protest of the ongoing U.S.-supported Laos invasion. (c) 2019 Hearst Communications, Inc. All Rights Reserved

12 THE SENSE OF DANGER IS NEVER SO FULLY UNDERSTOOD AS WHEN THE DANGER HAS BEEN OVERCOME SOUTH AFRICA South Africa is the only country in the world where right-hand drive cars are produced by Mercedes Benz. The Bloukrans Bridge is the highest bridge for bungee jumping in the world South Africa s lion, wildebeest, cheetah and springbok, are four of the seven fastest mammals on earth With more than 6 million trees in Johannesburg, it is believed to be the site of the largest man-made forest on earth Two-thirds of Africa s electricity is generated in South Africa Most of the world s macadamia nuts come from South Africa South Africa is three times bigger than Texas South Africa is home to the tallest animal in the world, the giraffe. The Least Dwarf Shrew, the smallest mammal in the world, lives in South Africa South Africa is the second largest producer of fruit on the planet Apartheid...need we say more? Boulders Beach, Cape Town, is where you can swim with colonies of Jackass penguins

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14 OUR SCIENTIFIC POWER HAS OUTRUN OUR SPIRITUAL POWER. WE HAVE GUIDED MISSILES AND MISGUIDED MEN - MLK

15 TRUE PRAYER IS A SPIRITUAL CONVERSATION WITH THE CREATOR OF HEAVEN AND EARTH GOD S DELAYS ARE NOT GOD S DENIALS

16 ANYONE CAN COUNT THE SEEDS IN AN APPLE, BUT ONLY GOD CAN COUNT THE NUMBER OF APPLES IN A SEED HISTORY IS A VISION OF GOD'S CREATION ON THE MOVE LET YOUR HOPES, NOT YOUR HURTS, SHAPE YOUR FUTURE WE'RE NOT VICTIMS Veterans make up about one-third of the federal workforce. That means a lot of us were affected by the shutdown. Some in the mainstream press (as well as the government employees union) took that political opportunity to wring their hands about us poor veterans and how some of us might be driven to suicide because of a couple of missing paychecks. Department of Veterans Affairs Secretary Robert Wilkie was forced to address this in a terse letter to the president of the American Federation of Government Employees, telling him to stop promoting the "veteran as victim" mentality. There are no guarantees of employment. If we're in a civilian job, they can let us go with no notice. If we're in a government job, we can be caught up in shutdowns. While most last only a few days, the one in 2013 went on for 16 days (blame the Affordable Care Act). In 1995, it was 21 days (the problem: balancing the budget). As politicians posture and snarl, we get caught in the crossfire. However, there are ways we can take care of ourselves. Consider this a clip and save column for how to survive a government shutdown... or even a civilian layoff. The best-advice financial rule is to have savings stuck away to cover six to nine months of living expenses, especially if you have a family. Do not buy that new car until you have that money. Do not buy a new anything until you have that money. Do a budget and pare it down to essentials, multiply that by six or nine, and that's how much you need to put away. Consider taking on a part-time job, if only for a little while, and put that money in your stash. No matter who we work for, anything can happen. Be ready. (c) 2019 King Features Synd., Inc.