2.4 Human Relationships

Transcription

1 2.4 Human Relationships Overview What this booklet covers: o Jewish beliefs about human sexuality (gender) o Jewish teachings about love & relationships o Jewish teachings about the nature & importance of sexual relationships o Jewish responses to other attitudes to sexual relationships 1

2 Introduction Right from the outset of the Torah, we read about love and sex. The Torah which we believe to be given by G-d Himself does not avoid the topic. Judaism acknowledges that sex (and sexuality) is one of the strongest natural human drives, and one that is both necessary and legitimate. Sex, like all other human needs, is G-d-given, and this idea will provide the basis of our learning about the topic. Human Sexuality (gender) Let us look at some sources to begin examining this issue. What do you think Judaism says about the role of males and females from these sources? Mishna Kiddushin 1:7 ו כ ל מ צ ו ת ע שׂ ה שׁ ה זּ מ ן גּ ר מ הּ, א נ שׁ ים ח יּ ב ין ו נ שׁ ים פּ טוּרוֹת. ו כ ל מ צ ו ת ע שׂ ה שׁ לּ א ה זּ מ ן גּ ר מ הּ, א ח ד א נ שׁ ים ו א ח ד נ שׁ ים ח יּ ב ין. ו כ ל מ צ ו ת לא ת ע שׂ ה בּ ין שׁ ה זּ מ ן גּ ר מ הּ בּ ין שׁ לא ה זּ מ ן גּ ר מ הּ, א ח ד א נ שׁ ים ו א ח ד נ שׁ ים ח יּ ב ין All positive commandments that are time-bound, men must keep them but women don t have to keep them; while any positive commandment that is non time-bound, must be done by both men and women. Any negative commandments, both those that are time-bound and those that are not time-bound, must be kept by both men and women. Babylonian Talmud, Tractate Kiddushin, page 29a האב חייב בבנו למולו ולפדותו וללמדו תורה ולהשיאו אשה וללמדו אומנות וי"א אף להשיטו במים רבי יהודה אומר כל שאינו מלמד את בנו אומנות מלמדו ליסטות The obligations a father has towards his son include circumcising him; redeeming him [in a pidyon haben]; teaching him Torah; marrying him off; and teaching him a trade. Some say he even needs to teach him to swim. Rabbi Yehudah says: Whoever does not teach his son a trade, has taught him to be a thief. Proverbs (Mishlei) 1:8 ש מ ע ב נ י, מ וס ר אב י ך; ו אל-ת ט ש, ת ור ת א מ ך. My son, heed the discipline of your father, and do not forsake the instruction [literally, the Torah] of your mother. 2

3 Women's Mitzvot: Nerot, Challah and Niddah In Jewish tradition, there are three mitzvot that are reserved for women: nerot (lighting candles), challah (separating a portion of dough), and niddah (ritual immersion after the end of a woman's menstrual period). All of these mitzvot are related to the home and the family, areas where the woman is primarily responsible. It seems clear from these sources that Judaism has defined roles for men and women that are focused around the different obligations each has. However, at first glance it seems that the man s role is much more prescriptive. The Gemara mentions what a father must do for their child; the Mishna lists the Mitzvot that a man must do each day at specific times. The woman s role is less prescribed, and therefore different, but that does not mean it is any less important. In general, the Jewish attitude to the roles of men and women can be traced to one of the earliest passages in the Torah. After G-d created Adam the first man it became clear that he needed a companion: And the Lord G-d said, "It is not good that man is alone; I shall make him a helpmate opposite him ע ז ר כ נ ג ד ו." And the Lord G-d caused a deep sleep to fall upon man, and he slept, and He took one of his sides (the rib), and He closed the flesh in its place. And the Lord G-d built the side that He had taken from man into a woman, and He brought her to man. (Bereishit 2:18, 21-22) We have to ask, what was the purpose of G-d creating a man and a woman as separate creations? The answer that it was purely to allow humans to reproduce would not make sense, since G-d could have made Adam with the ability to reproduce himself. Since G-d is omnipotent, He could have created a system of cloning for human reproduction. So, we have to conclude that the choice of Eve the first woman was a deliberate creation for a greater purpose than merely reproduction. Eve was supposed to be Adam s BFF. The creation of woman was to take away loneliness and provide companionship. The Talmud states that, When a man is without a wife, he lives without joy, without blessing, and without good. The phrase used in the passuk ע ז ר כ נ ג ד ו Ezer K negdo, is translated as a helpmate for him, but the Rabbis also interpret the word k negdo as not meaning for him, but rather opposite him. There is a difference in the two. There is also a symbolic significance as to why Eve was created from the rib of man. She wasn t created from his head or feet, because that might imply rulership of one over the other. She was created from his rib the area that protects the heart to imply that man and woman would stand side by side. 3

4 So, from the beginning, woman was not supposed to be like a man. Why not? Because there was already a man and he was deficient on his own. A woman was meant to be different. Men & women are supposed to complement each other, each making up for the qualities the other lacks. And since they are different, it wouldn t work to force them to behave identically what helps a man won't necessarily help a woman and vice versa. Therefore, in traditional (Orthodox) Jewish law, there is a distinction between what is required from a man and a woman, because man and woman are meant to be different. This emphasises that G-d expects men and women to get closer to Him in different ways. So, in traditional Judaism, men and women are both viewed as equal but different and that difference is good. With their own unique talents and natures they can give to one another and help each other along the road of life. What differs is the way different Jewish groups put this equality into practice. What s love got to do with it? Jewish teachings about love and relationships Tina Turner once had a top hit with a song titled, What s love got to do with it? The first verse and chorus are: You must understand though the touch of your hand Makes my pulse react That it's only the thrill of boy meeting girl Opposites attract It's physical Only logical You must try to ignore that it means more than that What's love got to do, got to do with it? What's love but a second hand emotion? What's love got to do, got to do with it? Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken? Judaism s teachings about love might be different to Tina Turner s ideas, but there are some surprising similarities between her lyrics and a Jewish interpretation of what the Torah tells us about love. Consider the following explanation from former British Chief Rabbi, Rabbi Sacks, on the Parasha of Vayeitze, when Ya akov runs away from his home and falls in love with Rachel: Judaism is supremely a religion of love: three loves. You shall love the Lord your G-d with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your might. (Deuteronomy 6:5) You 4

5 shall love your neighbour as yourself. (Leviticus 19: 18) And You shall love the stranger, for you were once strangers in a strange land. (Leviticus 19: 33-34). Judaism is a religion of love. We are here because G-d created us in love and forgiveness asking us to love and forgive others. Love, G-d s love, is within our very being. So many of our texts express love; the paragraph before the Shema with its talk of great and eternal love; the Shema itself with its command of love; the priestly blessings to be uttered in love; Shir ha-shirim, The Song of Songs, the great poem of love; Lecha dodi, Come, my Beloved, sung on Friday night. If you want to live well, love. If you seek to be close to G-d, love. If you want your home to be filled with the light of the Divine presence, love. Love is where G-d lives. The message about love is this: love is a powerful, necessary emotion. It is what binds people to other people, people to G-d, and most powerfully of all, G-d to people. Love actually originates from G-d and to be loving is what G-d expects of us since we are created in the image of a loving and caring G-d, that is how we must be. But love is not always that simple. Rabbi Sacks continues to interpret the love story between Ya akov and Rachel to make a further point: If we look at the eleven times the word love, ahavah, is mentioned in the book of Genesis we make an extraordinary discovery. Every time love is mentioned, it generates conflict. Isaac loved Esau but Rebekah loved Jacob. Jacob loved Joseph, Rachel s firstborn, more than his other sons. From this came two of the most fateful sibling rivalries in Jewish history. The first time the word love appears in the Torah, in the opening words of the Akeidah: Take now your son, your only one, the one you love (Gen. 22: 2), Rashi, following Midrash, says that Satan, the accusing angel, said to G-d when Abraham made a feast to celebrate the weaning of his son: See, he loves his child more than you. That according to the Midrash was the reason for the Akeidah, to show that Satan s accusation was untrue. In our parasha, Jacob, fleeing home, is taking refuge with his uncle Lavan. He falls in love with Rachel, Lavan s younger daughter. He works for seven years so that he can marry her. The wedding night arrives and a deception is practised on him. When he wakes up the next morning he discovers that he has married Rachel s elder sister Leah. Livid, he confronts Lavan. Lavan replies that It is not done in our place to marry the younger before the elder. He tells Jacob he can marry Rachel as well, in return for another seven years work. We then read a series of very poignant words. And he [Jacob] loved Rachel too (Gen. 29:30). This is what we expected and hoped for. Jacob now has two wives, sisters, 5

6 something that will be forbidden in later Jewish law. It is a situation fraught with tension. But our first impression is that all will be well. He loves them both. That expectation is dashed by the next word, mi-leah, more than Leah. This is not merely unexpected. It is also grammatically impossible. You cannot have a sentence that says, Jacob loved Rachel too more than Leah. The too and the more than contradict one another. Then comes the next phrase and it is shocking. The L-rd saw that Leah was hated. Was Leah hated? No. The previous sentence has just told us she was loved. What then does the Torah mean by hated? It means that is how Leah felt. Yes she was loved, but less than her sister. Leah knew, and had known for seven years, that Jacob was passionately in love with her younger sister Rachel. The Torah says that he worked for her for seven years, but they seemed to him like a few days because he was so in love with her. Leah was not hated. She was less loved. But someone in that situation cannot but feel rejected. The Torah forces us to hear Leah s pain in the names she gives her children. Her first she calls Reuben, saying It is because the Lord has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now. The second she calls Shimon, Because the Lord heard that I am not loved. The third she called Levi, saying, Now at last my husband will become attached to me (Gen. 29: 32-35). There is sustained anguish in these words. Note what has happened. It began with love. It has been about love throughout. Jacob loved Rachel. He loved her at first sight. There is no other love story quite like it in the Torah. Abraham and Sarah are already married by the time we first meet them. Isaac had his wife chosen for him by his father s servant. But Jacob loves. He is more emotional than the other patriarchs. That is the problem. Love unites but it also divides. It leaves the unloved, even the less-loved, feeling rejected, abandoned, forsaken, alone. That is why you cannot build a society, a community or even a family on love alone. Where love stories are mentioned in the Torah, they come with a warning. Love, as necessary as it is, can come at a price. It can lead to division. It can be blind. It can make people blind to their own faults, and the faults of others, and it can also make people value some other people more than others. To love is to take the risk of opening your heart to someone, and accepting the heart of someone else. Who needs a heart when a heart can get broken? (Please quote Rabbi Sacks and not Tina Turner in any essay!). The solution, at least for the purposes of our study of love and relationships, is that for the best chance for love to work, there needs to be commitment. Unlike Tina Turner s lyrics, Judaism does not mix up love and lust. Lust is physical, love is emotional and the Jewish take on this is that lust and love are supposed to be bound up together in a lawful, committed relationship (through marriage). Both partners need to be prepared to commit to their love through law, and not just express it through temporary physical passion. 6

7 The nature and importance of sexual relationships Sexual Ethics the ideals of sex in Judaism As we have learned, Judaism places great emphasis on the holiness of sexual relationships. Judaism suggests that the sexual desire is so strong precisely because it is so potentially holy. Without the pleasures and desires of sex, humanity would not reproduce and G-d s creations could not endure, and so G-d s presence on earth through humanity would be diminished. Therefore, sex is not only permissible, it is a divine commandment and is legally protected for both men and women within Jewish Law. The Torah examines sexual relationships through the framework of heterosexual relationships (that is, relationships between opposite genders. Jewish attitudes towards various other sexual relationships are examined later in this section) and two main elements inform the Jewish attitude towards sexual ethics. These can be understood through the way that the Torah describes the very first sexual act between Adam and Eve. The passuk states (Genesis 4:1), ו ה אד ם י ד ע א ת ח ו ה א ש ת ו ו ת ה ר ו ת ל ד א ת ק י ן ו ת אמ ר ק נ ית י א יש א ת ה And Adam knew his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Kayin, and she said, I have acquired a man with G-d. By describing sex as knowing, the Torah immediately elevates this first human physical act of sex to the level of an intimate and meaningful relationship. If sex is to be valued, it must include two people s knowledge about each other, rather than being just a physical encounter. As the Torah indicates later, two people have to become, one flesh. Physical closeness is to mirror emotional closeness. So, the two elements about sex that Judaism notes are important are: a) Sex is a means of strengthening the physical and emotional bond between husband and wife, and not merely a physical satisfaction between two people ( And Adam knew his wife Eve ) b) Sex should have the potential to create new life ( and she became pregnant and gave birth ) The first element must always be present for sex to be holy the way G-d wishes it to be. The second element is an ideal, although there are times when it isn t possible. The importance and holiness of sex as a bond between husband and wife (element a) is expressed in traditional Jewish law which says that a man commits himself to three 7

8 major obligations in marriage; he must provide his wife with food, clothing, and sex. To refuse any of these three is tantamount to annulling the marriage. Judaism also sees sex as holy because it is the beginning of life (element b). Since G-d Himself is seen as the Creator of life, humans partner with him by creating new life. The Babylonian Talmud, Tractate Niddah, page 31a states, The Rabbis taught: There are three partners in creating a human being G-d, the father, and the mother. Marital sex תנו רבנן שלשה שותפין יש באדם: הקב"ה ואביו ואמו. Even within marriage, the holiness of sex is expressed through a set of laws known as Taharat Hamishpacha, meaning Family Purity. These are considered the foundation of a traditional Jewish home. When a married woman is menstruating she is considered niddah, which makes her spiritually impure. This has nothing to do with hygiene or cleanliness. Rather it means that she would have been spiritually unfit to bring a korban - a sacrifice - if we still had the temple. The laws of Niddah are purely spiritual. The status of being in Niddah will last a minimum of twelve days every month. During this time of Niddah, she and her husband will avoid any sexual or physical touching. This includes sleeping in separate beds, or even passing an item directly to one another. Following the end of her menstruation period, plus another seven clear days, she immerses in the mikveh on the night of the seventh day. Not coincidentally, this is the time in her monthly cycle when she is most likely to conceive. Then she and her husband should resume their sexual relationship. The mikveh is a gathering of natural water. You will remember from ICIT that you have seen ancient mikvaot in Jerusalem and Masada, demonstrating how this has been a central part of Jewish life for thousands of years. Interestingly, our Rabbis tell us that when beginning a community, a mikveh should be built before both a shul and a school, such is the importance of the mikveh to family life. Before a woman goes to the mikveh, she has to wash her body thoroughly. Therefore, when she goes into the water (naked) there is nothing between her and the water. She is observed by a female mikveh attendant to ensure that she is fully immersed, and dips herself fully under the water. A bracha is recited on the mitzvah of immersing in a Mikveh. It is said that when she makes the bracha in the mikveh, the angels answer amen and it is an opportune time to add in extra prayers for the benefit of her 8

9 marriage and family. Following the immersion her spiritual status changes from tamei (impure) to tahor (pure). Taharat Hamishpacha can be a challenging mitzvah to adhere to and to comprehend, because it asks for a lot of self-control on the part of both husband and wife. Whilst there are also clear benefits from an enforced time of not having sex e.g. deepening their relationship on a non-physical level, keeping sex fresh rather than routine, and possibly other health benefits, ultimately, Orthodox Jews keep the laws of family purity simply because they are commanded to by G-d. Pre-marital sex & Cohabitation From what we have learned above about the nature of love and sex, sex is seen as only being holy in a relationship within the legal commitment of marriage. In fact, sex is one of three ways through which a couple are considered to be legally married to each other. Pre-marital sex (sex before marriage) and cohabitation (living together and not being married) are not viewed as part of a religiously legally-committed relationship, no matter how emotionally attached the couple are towards each other. Sex in this instance will not be strengthening the bond between husband and wife. Extra-marital sex As sex is meant to deepen the bond between husband and wife, extra-marital sex (more commonly known as having an affair ) is considered wrong. In some instances, it may break the 7 th of the Ten Commandments - not committing adultery. Contraception Contraception is defined as, the deliberate use of artificial methods or other techniques to prevent pregnancy as a consequence of sexual intercourse. The first mitzvah (Bereishit, 1:27-28) in the Torah is a mitzvah given to Adam & Eve, and through them to all of humanity. It is a specific command to have children and populate the world. G-d created man with His image. In the image of G-d, He created him, male and female He created them. G-d blessed them. G-d said to them, 'Be fertile and become many. Fill the land and conquer it. ו יּ ב ר א א לקים א ת ה אד ם בּ צ ל מוֹ בּ צ ל ם א לקים בּ ר א א תוֹ ז כ ר וּנ ק ב ה בּ ר א א ת ם: ו י ב ר ך א ת ם א לקים ו יּ אמ ר ל ה ם א לקים פּ רוּ וּר בוּ וּמ ל אוּ א ת ה אר ץ ו כ ב שׁ ה 9

10 Further to this, the prophet Isaiah says, G-d formed the world He created it not to remain empty; He made it to be populated. (Isaiah 45:18) In common with the idea that sex is the source of creating new life, and that sex should include the potential to achieve that, contraception is something that in general would not be permitted. However, there may be times when a couple are allowed to engage in sexual relationships without the potential to create life. Jewish Family Life by Deena Zimmerman 1 p. 161 There is room in Jewish law for birth control, in certain circumstances. The most obvious is when the mother s life is in danger, following the principle that danger to life suspends all the commandments other than adultery, idolatry and murder. Other issues, such as the mother s physical condition, emotional condition and the family s ability to cope, can be taken into consideration as well. There is also room for leniency to allow a mother to recuperate from childbirth and provide spacing of children Each couple s individual circumstances should be discussed with a rabbinic authority. When contraception is allowed, there is still a discussion as to what type of contraception is preferable. Orthodox Judaism strongly recommends that non-barrier methods of contraception are used e.g. the woman taking the pill. This is because this method stops the woman ovulating so that sexual intercourse cannot be followed by pregnancy. Barrier methods of contraception may be more problematic because they will actively interfere in the normal after-effects of sex. As with any issue in Judaism, a competent Rabbinic authority should be consulted. Celibacy & Chastity Celibacy is refraining from marriage and sex. Christianity preaches that while marriage and sex are permitted, to attain a higher level of spirituality one should be celibate. Judaism preaches the opposite. Since sex is considered the source of all life, and life itself is holy, then sex is a vital part of the divine plan and humans can only attain a higher level of spirituality through sex within marriage. Therefore, being celibate is not a Jewish ideal. This should not be confused with temporary abstinence, which is temporarily refraining from taking part in sexual activity. As we have seen, Orthodox Judaism stresses the importance of family purity when a physical relationship between husband and wife is not permitted at certain times. 1 Deena Zimmerman is a paediatrician and a yoetzet halakha (halakhic advisor on women s issues). She is the creator and coordinator of the Nishmat Women s Online Information Centre. Her book, A Lifetime Companion to the Laws of Jewish Family Life was written to help married couples of all ages learn the laws of Jewish marital life. 10

11 Chastity is understood to be the concept of saving your sexual activity for a particular time or person. In some religions, a vow of chastity might be taken. As we have seen, in Judaism, chastity would mean not taking part in sexual activity until and within marriage. Homosexuality The topic of homosexuality and the Jewish religion is one that has caused controversy recently. Secular society today is accepting of homosexuality, to the point of legalising homosexual relationships in civil law. This often leads to a clash of culture between society and religion on this issue. Orthodox Judaism has difficulty in accepting a homosexual act. Apart from there being a specific mitzvah to avoid a homosexual act, as we have seen, the purpose of sex is to a) deepen the relationship between a husband and wife, and b) have the potential to create life. Any time sex occurs without at least the first of these conditions (or possibly both depending on the situation) might be problematic. Accordingly, a homosexual act, that by nature does not fulfil either of these conditions, is problematic. However, it is vital to note that Judaism emphasises the difference between the person and the act. Whilst the homosexual act is difficult to accept under Orthodox law, it is forbidden to discriminate against the person. In this respect, it is the same as a person not complying with any law e.g. It should also be noted that non-orthodox Judaism has a different attitude towards homosexuality. This is mainly because it has a different interpretation of how the laws of the Torah should be applied nowadays. Some other attitudes towards sex Atheist & Humanist Atheists & Humanists will not believe in an afterlife or consequences beyond the physical life a person lives. They think people should consider the consequences of actions when deciding whether something is morally acceptable, rather than follow religious rules unquestionably or allow figures of authority to command how people behave. Accordingly, many humanists believe that sex is a pleasure that can be enjoyed responsibly. As long as someone is physically and mentally mature enough to make the decision, and are fully aware of the consequences and risks, then it is seen as a positive ingredient of a happy life. Most humanists believe there is no particular moral virtue in preserving virginity until marriage, although they recognise the value of not rushing into 11

12 sex until a person feels ready. Many see nothing wrong with having sex with more than one person over the course of their lives. Obviously Judaism disagrees with this view. By not acknowledging the holiness of sex, sex will just become purely a physical act of pleasure, no matter how moral a human is. According to Judaism, moral actions cannot just be decided by human values because they are relative, meaning they are liable to change from person to person and/or from time to time, and this can be dangerous. Only values that come from a Higher Being i.e. G-d, are absolute and timeless. 12