Purim Banter, Checking in with Rabbi Fred. Si-Si King. Kennedy Center honors. Lion King. King Tut. Burger King. Jewish Holiday Carols

Transcription

1 Purim Banter, 2016 Checking in with Rabbi Fred Si-Si King Kennedy Center honors Lion King King Tut Burger King Jewish Holiday Carols Larry King call-in Kings Dominion

2 Checking in with Rabbi Fred (prev song: I Feel the Earth; next: Pleasant Shushan) [Scene opens with Rabbi Fred sitting on a box. Person A enters, with script in hand] A: Rabbi Fred, could I ask you a few questions? Fred: Not right now. We just started the Purim Shpiel.and I am getting ready for my cameo. [Sahar enters] A: Well, that is what I wanted to talk to you about; Oh! and Sahar you can help out too. Sahar: Yes? A: The Purim Shpiel. Well, we just realized that we have not checked with the clergy about the script and there are a few references in that that.i wanted to make sure were. You know. Fred: Well I love the Carole King theme! Sahar: I do too! Wait, who is Carole King? A: Ah, for those of you from outside the country or under the age of 20, Carole King wrote a ton of songs that you ve heard of, but you don t know she wrote them because other people sang them. We will be featuring her songs and spirit throughout the musical numbers. But, in the banter scenes, we ll be riffing off the more expansive theme of KINGS. Sahar: Sounds kosher to me. A: Well, is it ok if we mention Burger King? Fred: Not so kosher; that would be a problem. A: I thought that having meat in the Temple was a sacrifice. F: [Grimaces] And I thought that clergy had all the funny lines in this scene. A: [flips to later page in script and pretends to make some edits; then flips further ahead in the script]: Let s flip ahead then here on page eight - we did have a mention of Lion King. Sahar: No. [Quoting from 10 commandments] Thou shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. A: Oh..No not lying, this is the Disney movie, Lion King. Fred: Oh that is ok The kids will love it! A: [Flips ahead] And do you have any problem with King Tut? Fred: I would rather King David. Sahar: But he played the lyre, and you just said that lying was out. Fred: Touche! A: [Pages back to the beginning] OK, according to the script, we are now finished with our scene. Fred & Sahar: OK, on with the show!

3 Si-Si King (prev song: Pleasant Shushan; next: Where you Lead) [First person sits with a sombrero] Second PERSON comes by: Hello? KING: Si? P: Who are you? K: I am BB King s son.. My name is. CC King. P: CC? K: Si. P: What is your real name? K: Sy. P: Ah, I see. K: Si. P: Do you have a sister? K: Si. P: And her name? K: Sue. P: Just Sue? K: Si. P: Oh, Susie. And what does Susie do? K: She sews. P: Susie sews? K: She sews by the sea. P: In sandals? K: No, with shoes on. P: Shushan? K: Which gets us back to the play. P: That was a terrible pun. K: Si, so sue me. P: Let s not go through that again. [Walk off]

4 Kennedy Center honors (prev song: Where you Lead; next: One Fine Day) Narrator [?Sandy Perlstein]: We now bring you to a special tradition at Adat Shalom. where we introduce a special guest to our Purim Shpiel Our founding rabbi, Sid Schwarz. Sid: [Comes up from audience] It s great to be back up here on the Bemah. Really good Purim Shpiel this year. N: You know this is the last spiel with Obama in the White House you were there recently, right? Sid: Yes. In fact this past Hanukah, I lit the menorah with Barack Obama. I even played dreidel with him back in the Oval office. N: That must have been fun! Sid: well not really. Every time I came up with a gimmel, the secret service made me spin again. N: Have you ever been invited to the Kennedy Center Honors? Sid: Well, I was hoping they would invite me.like when they had Itzhak Perlman or Barbra Streisand or even Mel Brooks. But no luck. N: Well, this Purim Shpiel might be your big chance. We were thinking of doing a skit about this year s Kennedy Center Honors. Sid: Oh, you mean where they honored Carole King, George Lucas, Rita Moreno, Seiji Ozawa and Cicely Tyson? N: Yes! Sid: I can play a perfect Rita Morena [Singing] Only in A-mer-i-ca da da da da, America! N: No. Not Rita Morena. We need you to connect Star Wars to Judaism. Sid: Oh, there are so many the spiritual connections! The Jedi does that sound like a lost tribe? And Princess. Leah! And Yoda sounds just like Yehuda. And the battle with the Dark Side. I could do an entire d rosh on the Jewish linkages N: I don t think that we have time for one of your sermons. We just need you to say four very famous words. Sid: Four words [catches on] Wait! You are not going to make me do that ridiculous thing like last year where I have to do an impression of Mel Brooks and say, Luke. use the Schwarz. N: Sorry, Sid. The script says you got to do it and guess, what you just did. Sid: You nerf-hurder! [N smiles and begins to walk away. Sid chases, saying:] You know the new Jedi character is Rey, sounds an awful lot like hazzan Rachel, maybe make her say it next year! N: We got to get back to Vashti and her big decision!

5 Lion King (prev song: One Fine Day; next: Smack Talking) [Nala and Simba sit with Rabbi Julie is torah/lion school.] Rabbi Julie: That s all for lion school today. Remember to practice your roars. [Class is dismissed. Rabbi Julie walks off.] Nala: Hey Simba. Why so down? Simba: Well, Nala, as the chosen species in the jungle, my parents have put a lot of pressures on me. Nala: I hear you, even though my parents don t believe in the chosen-ness, I still have to grow up to be a doctor, a lawyer, or at least a therapist. Simba: And don t get me started on Lion school. Rabbi Julie says my roar has to start in the back of my throat, like chhhhh-aaaarrr. Nala: Well hakuna matata right? Simba: Hah, tell that to Mufasa and Mom -- all they do all day is worry. Am I doing well in school? Did I have enough antelope to eat? Is my mane so thin that I ll catch cold? Nala: Yeah, and last week when I got a B on my geography test, my parents had a kinipshin fit. Simba: Who needs geography anyway, now that Safari s on my iphone! Nala: Right...though being King won t be all bad -- you always get a cameo in the Purim shpiel Simba: True, and I guess my uncle Scar did always want to be king, so it must be okay. Nala: That reminds me, how did he get his name Scar? Simba: My parents won t say, but one time I overheard them blaming someone called a mohel?

6 King Tut (prev song: Smack Talking; next: You ve Got a Friend) Characters: Pompous Sam, Competent Diane, and King Tut Setting: Tomb of King Tut [Our scene opens with Diane fiddling with the tomb door and Sam standing behind her watching. Sam is impatient, checking his watch, and not helping.] S: Come on! There is not much light left. I want to get into this tomb today. D: Cool your jets, ancient Egyptian locks aren t child s play. Almost there... Aligning Ra with Osiris. [Click] D: It s open! [They high five and S knocks D out of the way to get in first.] S: I m the first person to be in King Tut s final tomb! D: (Eye roll) Anyway, let s collect some of these artifacts for carbon dating [Unseen by S & D King, Tut stretches awake. Looks at audience. Puts finger to lips to hush audience. He starts to sneak up on S&D.] D: [worried] Do you hear something? S: No. Stop being such a girl. [D&S keep working] T: [Reveals himself] Raarrgh! [like a monster] S: [High pitched scream] Aaaaah! [S hides behind D. D just has a look of awe] T: Just kidding. Wow, that was a long sleep. Who are you two? S: Hi, I m Sam. D: and I m Diane. And...are you King Tut? T: In the flesh, or what s left of it anyway. What year is it? S: It s You re so lucky to be alive the year Donald Trump is elected president! T: Don t know who that is...but did I overhear that you re a scientist?... A lady scientist? D: Yes, woman take lots of roles now: artists, doctors, judges. T: But who takes care of the family s 12 kids? D: Oh, we have birth control now. T: We had that too, like when a venomous snake bit you -- it was... slightly more permanent. So women can do anything men can do? S: [rudely interjecting himself into conv] Well, they can t pee standing up D: [Pushes Sam out of the way] To be clear, we can, we just don t want to. And to answer your question, yes, anything. [Giving evil eye to Sam:] We re even going to elect the first female president soon! S: [Again interjecting, to Tut] But that s not news to you. Cleopatra ruled Egypt right after you. [In quick succession] D: Seriously? [ T: -- Dude, that was a thousand years after me. --] -- Read a history book. S: Well, I don t need a history book to know that, in our Purim story, the Jews need a hero [D: -- heroine! ] right quick T: You should probably get back to that; please lock up on the way out. [S & D head off] D: I can t believe we just met King Tut! S: I m going to get a Nobel Prize for this!

7 Burger King employee and customer (prev song: You ve Got a Friend; next: Natural Woman) E: Welcome to Adat Shalom Burger King C: I'll have a hamburger please E: Sorry, we don't have that -- all our food is vegetarian C: What about a veggie burger? E: You got it. How about a drink we have exactly two choices: wine or grape juice. C: Let s say wine, is that okay? E: You have my blessing. And for dessert? C: Ooh, I d love a brownie. E: Yeah, we have those every week...but, oh, you weren t fast enough -- the kids took them all C: What else do you serve then? E: Lists C: You're a listserve? E: Not exactly, but here's a list of all the allergies we have to deal with [Hands list to customer, perforated pages fall to the floor as it's very long] C: You avoid [reads lists] peanuts, walnuts... wing-nuts? E: Yes, especially here at Adat Shalom C: What about donuts [say: do-nuts]? E: Those are okay -- they're holy. C: So, if you don't sell hamburgers, why are you called burger king? E: Oh, after our founder Arthur Berger, two E's, he's our founder and king. C: Speaking of Kings, I think the king in our story needs to pick a new wife!

8 Jewish Holiday Carols (prev song: Natural Woman; next: Will You Still Love me) Phil Zipin: OK, so now I get it. Carole King gets invited to the Kennedy Center and then gets the highest honor of all featured in Adat Shalom's Purim Shpiel. With skits like Burger King, Lion King, BB King -- Hannah Lipman: Wait, all because her name is Carole *King*? I see a problem with this -- how come we don t have any references to *Caroles*? Phil: Because, duh, have you ever heard of Christmas Carols sung in a shul? Hannah: Not until tonight! We now present our special feature, Reconstructed Carols Marla: Deck the halls with trays of challah Fa-la-la-la-la.la-la-la-la Wine and juice - will soon folla Fa-la-la-la-la.la-la-la-la Julie: O Hamantash! O Hamantash! How gooey are your fillings Your ap-ri-cot Are all I ve got Now that the prune Are eaten. Marla: Come, they told me Pa rum pum pum pum There s a drum-circle at Adat Shalom, Pa rum pum pum pum Julie: Rudolph the new bar mitzvah Had a very reddish nose. And if you ever saw it. You would even say... he-got-into-the-manischewitz Marla: Twas the night before Pesach And all through the town Not a yeast-er was stirring For the bread was kept down. Phil: But can we tie *Carole King* to Judaism? Julie: Sho-far away. Doesn t anybody stay in one shul anymore? It would be so fine to see your faith at the door. Hannah: Which brings us back to tonight s shpiel.

9 Larry King Call-in (prev song: Will You Still Love me; next: It s too Late) [Larry King is seated by an old-time radio microphone at one end of the bemah. At the other end is a line of people; as each one comes to talk, they sit on a block at the other end of the bemah and talk into a telephone] LK: Hello, welcome to the world wide call in show Larry King Live! Our first caller.. hello Bronx, New York 1: Huh? I m in Maryland... LK: Go on, sir. 1: I was just calling in to say how popular this Adat Shalom Purim Shpiel is. LK: OK, thank you. Next we go to.los Angeles, California Vashti: Huh? I am in Shushan. Actually, I used to be in Shushan. I used to be Queen. LK: Yes? Vashti: I heard that you went through multiple marriages what ideas do you have for meeting folks? LK: Have you ever thought about having a call in show? I met 4 of my wives that way. On line two. we have Great Neck, Long Island. Haman: What? Hello? LK: Please turn down your radio, sir. Haman: I don t have a radio. I am here on the streets of Shushan. LK: And what is your problem, sir? Haman: I cannot get people to bow down. LK: No you have that backward. When you propose, you have to kneel down! LK: Who do we have next? From Algonquin, Minnesota.. Mordechi: Minnesota? No, I calling from Shushan. LK: And what is your issue? Mordechi: There is this guy in town and he wants me to bow down. LK: Wait a second. Is this related to the previous caller s proposal? Does your country have same-sex marriage yet? Mordechi: I don t think you understand. We are in dire straits. LK: If he wants you to bow down, he may not be straight. Next call, from the Royal Palace on line one. Esther: I may have a problem. I m Jewish and I just got married LK: You can relax, honey, I am a member of the tribe as well. Esther: But I just married the king -- LK [interrupts]: That s what my first wife said! Esther: [continues, more forceful] the King of Shushan. And I m not sure if he understands what we are going through. LK: No problem, the way to a man s heart is through his stomach. Just set up a nice spread a banquet of Jewish foods. And you may as well invite that other caller to the banquet; the one who had problems with people not bowing down. Ester: Great idea! I ll serve bagels and lox. [exits] LK: Bagels from the Katz s Delicatessen? Wait, I m right behind you [exits]

10 Kings Dominion (prev song: It s too Late; next: Closing) Kid: Kings Dominion, here we come! Dad: Exciting. Kid: I've been waiting my whole life for this. [Someone holds up sign: "1 hour later"] Kid: Are we there yet?! Mom: I'm sure it's just a bit longer. Dad: Yeah, there's lots of traffic. Kid: [crosses legs] Uh Oh Mom: Is everything okay back there? Kid: Just hurry! Dad: You're going have to keep it in. Kid: I'm not sure I can. Dad: Ugh, this traffic means we ll miss the megillah reading Kid: Jeez, this is slightly more important. Mom: Maybe we can start Purim drinking now. Kid: Don t talk about drinking! Mom: Think about something else: like the roller coaster Dad: Yeah, so many thrills Kid: All the ups and down. Mom: Hopefully not too much puke. Dad: Oh, there it is -- We're here! Mom: Hallelujah Kid: You have money for me right? [Someone holds up sign: 10 years earlier; Kid become Taxi driver; Very pregnant Mom and Dad hop in car] Dad: Kings Hospital, quick! Taxi: Woah, exciting. Mom: Yeah, we've been waiting our whole lives for this. [Someone holds up sign: "1 hour later"] Mom: Are we there yet?! Dad: I'm sure it's just a bit longer. Taxi: Yeah, there's lots of traffic Mom: Uh oh Taxi: Is everything okay back there? Mom: Just hurry! Dad: You're going have to keep it in. Mom: I'm not sure I can. Dad: Ugh, this traffic means we ll miss the megillah reading Mom: I think this is slightly more important Dad: Maybe we can start Purim drinking now. Mom: [Pointing to pregnancy] Don t talk about drinking! Taxi: Let's think about something else. Dad: Like parenthood. Mom: Yeah, so many thrills Dad: All the ups and down. Taxi: Hopefully not too much puke.

11 Dad: Oh, there it is -- We're here! Mom: Hallelujah Taxi: You have money for me right?