HAPPY PURIM: BANTER SCRIPT 2015

Transcription

1 HAPPY PURIM: BANTER SCRIPT 2015 Opening number [song titles are in blue] HAPPY Banter #1 ANNOUNCER: Rabbi Sid Schwarz has a special place at Adat Shalom. Here, he has three special perks: First, he was guaranteed a parking space in the Adat Shalom parking lot. Second, he s allowed to cut in front of the line whenever we have a carbo themed oneg. And third, he gets a cameo in the Adat Shalom Purim Shpiel. So let me bring up to the bemah our Founding Rabbi, Sid Schwarz. RABBI SID: Is everyone happy? I say, ARE YOU HAPPY? Look, I have the power to MAKE you happy. You can either cheer now or I can make you take a ten minute break while you pair up with your neighbors and discuss what makes you happy..the choice is yours. So are you happy? [pause for response] I thought so. ANNOUNCER: Rabbi Sid thank you for energizing our spiritual home yet again. RABBI SID: You know, I am really pleased to be up here for Purim. Down through the ages, the Purim Shpiel has become a form of communal self therapy for exposing our anxieties and neuroses but with a triumphal victory in the final act. ANNOUNCER: You mean kind of like a group psychoanalysis. Which reminds me that I need to recommend a shrink for my uncle Morty. RABBI SID: Oh, look, half the people in the audience are reaching for their business cards. ANNOUNCER: As we go through the evening, we will use these between song breaks to explore various emotional themes that come up in our congregational life. But in the mean time, Just Be Happy. Townspeople song

2 GENEROSITY Banter #2 PSYCHOLOGIST: Come in! Hi, welcome to Persimmon Tree Psychiatric Services. Have a seat. Please tell me a little about yourself. BILL GATES: Hi. I am Bill Gates and I founded a large computer company and became impossibly rich... PSYCHOLOGIST: But you still have to pay after each session. BILL GATES: Huh? oh of course. But I am here for the Purim Shpiel, especially to see Haman suffer the ultimate fate. We like to call it the blue screen of death! PSY: Well! If you have such resources, perhaps you would provide some sort of... contribution to Adat Shalom. BILL GATES: Like donate a better script? PSY: No, I was thinking about more substantive support. Let me invite up our Executive Director, Judith Eiger and Torah School Director, Rabbi Julie Gordon. JULIE: What an honor to meet you, Mr. Gates. GATES: Perhaps, I could help you with some Apples for the Torah School. JULIE: You mean MacBooks? GATES: No! I was thinking about...fruit for refreshment break. JUDITH: Perhaps you have noticed that our prayer books are looking a little frayed. GATES: Were you thinking about replacing them with... E Books? JUDITH: I am not sure that would be appropriate for Shabbat some of our members are rather traditional. GATES: Perhaps I could provide you with new siddurs. JUDITH: That would be great. And we would gladly acknowledge your generous donation, Mr. Gates. GATES: Sure, just call them."gates of Prayer" King s drunk, Vashti

3 COLD PURIM Banter #3 PSY: Oh, hi. Don t I recognize you from a recent movie?. Tell me how you feel. ELSA [ from Frozen ]: No, I can t...i need to conceal, don t feel...be the good girl they always want me to be PSY: Well, okay, how about you tell me about those gloves? ELSA: [lying] Well, it s cold outside. PSY: And that bothers you? ELSA: Never, er I mean, yes. PSY: Seems like there s something you re keeping bottled up and not saying. ELSA: Yeah, that s true. PSY: Well, when your feelings are bottled up you need to just LET IT RALPH [from audience]: Wait, wait, I ve heard enough of that song this past year! Over and over (and over!) again ELSA: But it makes people...happy. RALPH: Does it? [To audience:] Kids, would it make you happy to sing a verse of Let It Go? AUDIENCE: Yeah! [applause, etc] [Two kids, left and right front, hold identical sets of Cue cards to to everyone sings the chorus once, and end scene] Vashti s song

4 SLEEPY Banter #4 SAHAR: Rabbi Fred just noticed that we have been up on the bemah for over thirty minutes and we have not mentioned.shmita! ADULT 1: Shmita? What s that? CHILD: That s the sabbatical year. Every seventh year when the Torah mandates that we have to take a rest. ADULT: How do you know so much? CHILD: Because I just turned seven [child yawns and lies down]. Can you sing me to sleep with a Shmita song? SAHAR: But how are we going to incorporate this into our Shpiel? Hmm...Does anyone know any Shmita songs? ADULT 2: How about Never shmita girl like you ADULT 3: And that old classic...[singing] Kisses, shmita than wine ADULT 4: How about the Beatles song.., Lovely Rita shmita maid CHILD [Getting up] Can we do a nursery rhyme? ADULT 1: Sure, what did you have in mind? CHILD: Peter, Peter. Shmita leader. Had a farm but couldn t seed her. ADULTS: [To audience] Rabbi Fred, I hope you re happy. Happy and you know it haman menacing jews

5 TIMID PURIM Banter #5 PSY: Hi, are you Moses? GANDALF: No! Don t you recognize me? I tell people that [loud, with cane/staff] YOU SHALL NOT PASS! PSY: Oh, Dumbledore. [Gandalf gives deep stare]. No, well, anyway, does your phrase work in this day and age? GANDALF: Yeah on lots of no, honestly, it only works on balrogs...well, maybe just that one gentile balrog. PSY: Interesting. GANDALF: Oh, now s my chance. [A Kid walks downstage, listening to music on earbuds; Gandalf stands before him] GANDALF [timidly]: You shall not...pass? [Kid doesn t even notice him] GANDALF: [to kid] Well, okay..maybe you can pass [Next kid with a football already on stage, walking in same path] GANDALF: [a little stronger] You shall not pass. [Kid stops. Looks down at football. And then fakes Gandalf and throws it to the first kid] GANDALF: Oh, you tricked me! [Next kid comes by] GANDALF: You SHALL not pass! Kid 3: Pull my finger GANDALF: What? Er, okay. [pulls finger] [Kid makes fart sound] GANDALF: argh! PSY: You ve got a similar problem of inflated importance as this guy I know named... Haman. He told people to bow down to him and they wouldn t listen to him, either GANDALF: [excited] And And! What happened?! PSY: Well, he got too hung up on himself and never made it to any of the sequels. GANDALF: Yikes. Should I just let the Shpiel people pass...over me? PSY: Yes. Let my people go. [Gandalf lifts his staff, Moses like, and leads them all off stage]

6 Get happy mordechai to esther UNEMOTIONAL Banter #6 PSY: Dorris, show that patient in! SPOCK [wanders onstage]: Hi, do these sessions cost money? PSY: Well, they are free if you re a dues paying member of Adat Shalom. Or contribute to our Candle light Discussions. SPOCK: I always believed in Live Long and Sponsor. PSY: Spock, why are you even here don t Vulcans lack spiritual emotion? SPOCK: I am half human. And let me tell you, finding an inter species rabbi for my wedding drove me mashugana. PSY: No doubt. So how do you feel about being here at Adat Shalom? SPOCK: Well, I ve been reading through your communications and your listserve has me confused. PSY: How come? SPOCK: Even with my universal translator... it s just not logical. PSY: Yes, it s a lot for one person to take in, but it builds community. SPOCK: Oh, I see. The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the Jew. PSY: [looks at watch] Looks like we re out of space time. SPOCK: Then I will need to beam back to the Enterprise. PSY: Your space ship? SPOCK: No, my rental car. Don t worry be happy Happy Man

7 FORGETFULNESS Banter #7 PSYCHOLOGIST: Welcome to my practice. Please introduce yourselves? RABBI FRED: We are two folks who serve a small religious group. CANTOR RACHEL: We work together to try to be musical and motivational. PSYCHOLOGIST: Are you Donnie and Marie Osmond? RABBI FRED: No, our teeth were not that good. CANTOR RACHEL: We came to you because we are worried that our people have lost touch with our past. PSYCHOLOGIST: Should the past get a vote or a veto? RABBI FRED: Sometimes...I can't remember! CANTOR RACHEL: Don't worry, Fred, I'll put that question out there on the listserve. It might even get a response from the White House. RABBI FRED: But congress could over ride it. PSYCHOLOGIST: How does this 'collective forgetfulness' manifest itself? RABBI FRED: We have congregants who cannot remember.whether they should sleep during the oneg and eat during the sermon... CANTOR RACHEL: Or eat during the oneg and sleep during the sermon. RABBI FRED: You had to finish that! PSYCHOLOGIST: But tonight is Purim!. CANTOR RACHEL: Yeah, and look how confused they are! We have people out there dressed in...star Wars outfits! Disney princesses! And dreidels! RABBI FRED: They don't know whether to root for Mordechai or the Maccabees. PSYCHOLOGIST: I think that we have made some good progress here. But [looks down at watch] our session is up. RACHEL: But, the skit was scheduled for seven minutes and only worked the first six. FRED: Must be a [hamming it up] SCHMITA session! Happy and you know it plan a meal

8 HUNGER Banter #8 PSYCHOLOGIST: Hi! What would your family like to discuss in today's session? FATHER: We would like to discuss the Onegs at our reconstructionist congregation. PSYCHOLOGIST: Well that sounds like food for thought. What are some of your ideas? FATHER: Well my wife is very involved with something called the Mishna garden. But she thinks that it could be used more efficiently to supply the congregation oneg. PSYCHOLOGIST: What would you suggest? MOTHER: I would like to propose that we grow the two main staples, Tofu and Kugel. FATHER: Yeah, that would take care of about half the oneg. PSYCHOLOGIST: Any other issues? MOTHER: I have this beautiful chopped liver that I want to serve, and he doesn t let me. FATHER: Well, you d have to make 50 portions! MOTHER: Yeah... I d call it 50 shades of grey. PSYCHOLOGIST: [To child]: My, you have been very well behaved. CHILD: Thank you, sir. PSYCHOLOGIST: Do you have any ideas for improving the oneg? CHILD: Yes. Two words: Happy meals! PSYCHOLOGIST: HAPPY meals. Good segue back to the theme of this Shpiel. Can we go home now? So Happy Together

9 HAPPY TRAILS Banter #9 CARLOS: Time to bid you farewell, Haman!. Bye bye! Caio! [kids: yeah] Hasta luego [yeah!] Nos Vemos [yeah!] Buenas Noches [yeah!] Kid: Let s bring this back to our spiel theme Everyone: [Singing to Haman] Happy trails to you [To audience] We won t see him again Happy trails to you Our story has to end [Try to get the audience to sing it] Everybody! [Sing above again] CARLOS: Adios! Finale