resolving the december dilemma by Tuvya Zaretsky

Transcription

1 resolving the december dilemma by Tuvya Zaretsky I don t know where I first heard the term December dilemma, but it accurately describes a Jewish conundrum at this time of year. It refers to the cross-cultural tension that intermarried, specifically Jewish-Gentile couples and their children, experience at the winter holiday season. Many intermarried couples find these days particularly distressing. Familiar cultural symbols seem to scratch across the grain of a partner s ideal for celebrating the season. In North America the typical expectation is of good cheer, communal warmth and family joy. That would hold true whether entering into the Christmas spirit or Hanukkah remembrance. However, in the new Jewish family pattern, where multi-ethnic members are increasingly mixed into the family, the atmosphere can be uncomfortable. Emotions can get stirred up over how holidays should be observed, especially when more than one tradition is present in the home. If that is your experience, let me encourage you: It s not your fault; it is just the clashing of dissimilar cultures. (continued on page 2) Volume 17 7

2 Are there any resources to help resolve family cultural tensions around the season of the december dilemma? the clash Culture is all the learned behaviors and rules for living that have come from social authorities and personal experiences accumulated while growing up. It helps order our lives into the right way of doing things. If we were computers, culture would be like our personal software. It tells us how to operate in familiar environments. Can you imagine the cross-cultural collision when two conflicting systems of ought-ness are operating in the same social space? Computers can crash under those circumstances, and so can family cohesion. Are there any resources to help resolve family cultural tensions around the season of the December dilemma? I hope to offer some useful suggestions. However, let s first consider what I mean by the new Jewish family pattern. cultural trends: disaffiliation, declining BirtH rates ANd intermarriage Actually, studies have found that it helps Jewish-Gentile couples move toward better understanding when they realize that they are relating within a complex social phenomenon. If you are personally affected, or know couples or those in an intermarried household that are, I hope the following information will cast some light on your situation. Three factors surfaced in the 1990 National Jewish Population Survey (NJPS) that illustrated a seismic shift taking place within the American Jewish community. 1 The significant social trends were: Disaffiliation from Jewish institutions was up to 63%. American Jews tend to have only a limited and declining voluntary membership in Jewish organizations, causes and resources. American Jews have been opting out of a religious definition of Jewishness. They prefer an ambiguous connection to Judaism, an ethnic attachment to heritage and a subjective notion of culture. The Jewish birth rate had dropped below the replacement level to around 1.8 children per average American Jewish couple. That fact set off alarms about preservation of the Jewish people on the North American continent. Jewish-Gentile intermarriage had risen to 52% for all marriages since 1985 and has been holding at that level. The former taboo against Jewish out-marriage with Gentiles had collapsed by Perhaps you (or someone you know) fit that pattern of the new normal in Jewish life. One more interesting discovery is that Jewish-Gentile couples now represent more than a third of all American Jews. So, where does this growing population fit? response: BriNG EM in, shape EM Up or MoVE EM out Traditional American Jewish leaders are divided about how to respond to a growing population of Jewish-Gentile couples. Most do not take an egalitarian view of the spiritual traditions or desires of a Gentile who has entered the Jewish community ISSN PRINTED IN THE U.S.A EDITOR: SUSAN PERLMAN ASSISTANT EDITOR: MATT SIEGER DESIGN AND ILLUSTRATIONS: PAIGE SAUNDERS ISSUESAMJP@AOL.COM WEB: JEWSFORJESUS.ORG 2

3 traditional American Jewish leaders are divided about how to respond to a growing population of Jewish-Gentile couples. through marriage. Generally, the approach has included one or belong in either community. They often feel isolated, especially more of the following: at times like this season when they face the December dilemma on their own. Embrace the couple and help them to make Jewish choices for their family life. challenge of cultural differences Reconnect the Jewish partner to Judaism with uncertain status for the Gentile partner. Convert the Gentile partner, requiring renunciation of all prior religious faith. Ignore intermarried Jews as apostates for marrying out. In a sense, every relationship is cross-cultural. When two cultures are different enough, the operating systems of a relationship can crash. Challenges occur in the ways that people respond to cultural differences. That is where the tension erupts from On the other side, American churches have not typically within the December dilemma. First there is uneasiness, focused on reaching out to Jewish-Gentile couples. Hence, there like discovering that everything in a familiar room has been is little consideration for the religious or cultural traditions of rearranged while you were out. The expectation is that the a Jewish person who has entered that spiritual community via holiday should be observed just like one family used to do it. marriage. No comparable alarm about ethnic survival exists in Any suggested deviation is an uncomfortable deviation from the church such as is found in the Jewish community response to the tried and true way of doing things. A cultural compromise intermarriage. Typical church reactions might include: can be a way out of the dilemma, but potentially with a loss of meaning. Can a Hanukkah bush be associated with the Discouraging Christians against marrying or having a serious romantic relationship with a non-christian. Encouraging Christians to bring Jewish family members to church services and events. Calling on Jewish partners to become followers of Jesus before marriage. meaning of Jesus birth, as would a Christmas tree? Maybe, but one partner is likely to say, Something is missing. Many Jewish-Gentile couples struggle to break out of an ethnocentric perspective. We all tend to see cultural symbols from our unique perspective only. So conflict can erupt when two people view a symbol differently. One Gentile Christian brought a little angel figurine home as a decoration, only to be While understandable, none of these responses engages stunned by her Jewish spouse who accused her of bringing family members as cultural equals. One person is usually being Jesus in with it. Little did she expect that her innocent cherub pressed to change or, at the least, made to feel like a cultural would set off a survival instinct within her Jewish loved one. outsider. It is easy for families to conclude that they don t Heartache can result when one partner chooses not to learn (Continued on page 6) ISSUES is a forum of several Messianic Jewish viewpoints. The author alone, where the author s name is given, is responsible for the statements expressed. Those wishing to take exception or those wishing to enter into dialogue with one of these authors may write the publishers and letters will be forwarded. UNITED STATES: P.O. BOX , SAN FRANCISCO, CA CANADA: 1315 LAWRENCE AVENUE EAST #402, TORONTO ON M3A 3R3 UK: KENTISH TOWN ROAD, CAMDEN TOWN, LONDON NW1 9PX SOUTH AFRICA: P.O. BOX 1996, PARKLANDS 2121 AUSTRALIA: P.O. BOX 925, SYDNEY NSW

4 A Not-so-Typical Holiday Story by Matt Sieger As Shaun Buchhalter notes, being a Jewish Puerto Rican is probably more common in New York City than elsewhere. But that didn t make it any easier, especially during the December holidays. Born to a Jewish father and a Puerto Rican Catholic mother, 30-year-old Shaun grew up in what was then the very Jewish neighborhood of West Brighton Beach in Brooklyn. He and his immediate family, his paternal grandparents and his dad s brother all lived within a block of each other in three separate high-rise apartment buildings. Although Shaun s father was not religious, Shaun s grandmother, Rita, was. Grandma Rita was determined to see that Shaun had a good Jewish upbringing. Despite my father marrying a non-jewish girl, Shaun explains, Grandma Rita was adamant that I would have a strong Jewish identity. At Hanukkah, she would give me a gift on all eight nights. Hanukkah was when I got my first Nintendo and my first bike from my grandmother. Shaun says his grandmother was competing with his Puerto Rican mother s side of the family, which showered him, his siblings and cousins with presents on Christmas. Not to be outdone, Grandma Rita made great latkes, which Shaun ate with delight. Her home was the focal point of all the Jewish holiday celebrations. Although Shaun s mother is a traditional Catholic, she did not stress religion in the home. She attended Christmas and Easter services every year, but she did not make Shaun and his younger brother and sister go with her. Although he never had his confirmation service, Shaun did have his first communion at age seven. His grandmother Rita attended. She wasn t excited about it, Shaun recalls. But I think she did it to support my mom, who she eventually did come to really love. Rita had arranged for Shaun to begin Hebrew school in order to prepare him for his bar mitzvah. But she passed away when Shaun was in fifth grade. As neither Shaun s father nor grandfather was very concerned about his religious education, Hebrew school never materialized. Soon after his grandmother s death, Shaun s family moved to Stony Brook, a New York suburb on Long Island. Shaun says there was a real shift in his cultural identity once he moved to the Island, as evidenced in part by his family s Hanukkah observance. The menorah was always up. And in the beginning I would get gifts, he remembers. But by late junior high, it kind of trickled off, except from some of the relatives. My grandfather would still send a gift, but it was never quite as extravagant as when Grandma Rita was alive. Most of the gifts from my parents came on Christmas. Interestingly, it was Shaun s mom, Miriam (often a Jewish name!), who made sure the menorah was displayed at Hanukkah. She also, until Shaun was married, would call him to remind him to light a yahrzeit candle in remembrance of relatives who had passed away. Even though religion was not a focus in his home, Shaun always felt divided as the two sides of his heritage continued to tug at him internally. Usually your religion follows through your mother s side of the family, Shaun explains, so there was always a tension. Am I Jewish? Am I Catholic? It was strange in that when I would visit my mother s side of the family, they would call me a Jew and kind of make fun of me in that regard. Then when I went to my father s side of 4

5 the family for the Jewish holidays, they would tease me about being Puerto Rican! Shaun says he always believed in God. But he does not attribute that to his exposure to either Judaism or Catholicism. I did go to Catholic services more than I went to synagogue, he notes. But I didn t get anything out of it. I don t remember anything. If you had asked me as a teenager who Jesus was, I would not have been able to say what Catholics believe about him. I didn t pay attention to anything. That was my nature. And I certainly didn t read any materials. I didn t read anything in school! So why would I read any of the religious stuff? Even so, I just always knew, always believed that there was some type of transcendent being. But it didn t have much of an impact on the way I lived. Minimally, at most. Shaun enrolled at the State University of New York at Stony Brook. But after his freshman year, he knew it was time for a change. I recognized that I needed to get away from the stereotypical college lifestyle I was living in New York hanging out, partying, girls, he says. I wanted my life to mean something more than that. My family had also ingrained in me that success was the result of education. So I transferred schools to pursue that. And I chose North Carolina to get away from New York. Shaun enrolled at the University of North Carolina- Charlotte for his sophomore year. The subject of God came up right away. My first day on campus, I noticed a beautiful girl, Shaun says. As I approached her, hoping to get a date, I got a big surprise. She told me she believed in Jesus and explained that she only would date someone who believed as she did. Natalie let me know right from the beginning the importance of her faith in God. Her lifestyle intrigued me. That first semester I had many interactions with Christians who challenged my understanding of God and religion. It got me started on my own process of thinking through spirituality. On New Year s Eve, I found myself kneeling at the corner of my bed asking God, if he really did exist, to show himself to me. A month later I bumped into Natalie, and she invited me to a meeting hosted by a Christian group on campus. I attended, and the message was entitled What Are You Living For? It got me really thinking. A week later, in February 1998, I confessed as many sins as I could remember and asked Jesus to come into my life. As Shaun began to tell other Jews about his experience, his new faith was challenged. I still identified myself as a Jew, very much so, Shaun says, and I found myself interacting with many Jewish people, sharing my story with them. When they asked if I was still Jewish, I d always say yes. And they would have this very hostile response to me. I wondered why these individuals were getting upset at me, just because I believe in Jesus. Due to my blended upbringing, I wasn t aware of how big an issue it was for a Jewish person. But once I began to realize that, it made me want to explore even more the veracity of Jesus being the Messiah. As a result of my own personal study of the Bible and conversations with other Jewish believers in Jesus, I began to see the connection between Jewishness and Jesus. It was within about a year that my faith, culture and identity came together. Everything now made sense. I no longer felt a conflict who was I going to disappoint, or which religion do I identify with more. It just kind of brought the two together. 5

6 There can be something unsettling about a discussion that links Jesus with anything Jewish, like the concept of Messiah. (Continued from page 3) the holiday meanings of the other. A study I conducted found that Gentile partners were more eager to learn about Jewish holiday traditions than Jewish partners were to discover the meaning of Christian ones. 3 There can be something unsettling about a discussion that links Jesus with anything Jewish, like the concept of Messiah. A Jewish partner told me that he didn t want to have Christmas music playing in the house because it brought Jesus uncomfortably close. People usually want to preserve the emotional feeling of the holidays as they remember them growing up. Any new or different influence becomes an uncomfortable intrusion. The hardest cross-cultural bridge to navigate at this season is what to teach children. It is a perfect time to introduce them to the holidays of both cultures and help them to appreciate both traditions. However, if the messages are compromised to spare the feelings of one or both adult partners, then the children could miss the true meanings and joy. Is there any hope of resolving the cross-cultural tensions? Yes there is, and no one has to deny a heritage. However, it might require taking a brave new look at the cultural celebrations of a loved one. CROSS-CULTURAL DISCOVERY and even the legends associated with the holidays. Make a distinction between the elements that are rooted in history and those that have coalesced through cultural developments over the centuries. The New Testament account of the origin of Christmas says, This is how the birth of Jesus Christ [Y shua the Messiah] came about... (Matthew 1:18). But where did the word Christmas come from and how did Santa Claus get into the picture? The books of 1 and 2 Maccabees provide fairly historical accounts of the fight for perseverance of the Jewish people and the overthrow of foreign oppressors, which Hanukkah commemorates. But who started the legend of the oil lasting for eight nights? Make sure to help the children of Jewish-Gentile couples understand the significance of what they are learning. Hanukkah can teach them about Jewish survival and God s preservation of the Israelite people. The birth of Messiah is the good news about God s shalom (peace) among all humanity, because Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Messiah the Lord (Luke 2:11). These are messages that can help children develop a healthy sense of ethnic pride, reassurance of God s love and hope for a rich spiritual life. FINDING SPIRITUAL HARMONY Here is a suggestion for cross-cultural discovery: Don t assume that you know the meaning within a cultural symbol that is not your own. Ask questions. Learn about the sense that each partner associates with their symbols and practices at this season. Ask your partner what each of the symbols for their holiday means. It is appropriate to ask, Hey, why the tree? What does that have to do with Christmas? or Why do your parents eat potato pancakes at this season? And if they don t know the reason or history behind a cultural symbol or practice, look it up together in a book or an encyclopedia. 4 If you have children, include them in the cross-cultural learning curve. Introduce them to the historical accounts I would like to suggest a fitting goal for solving the December dilemma. If you find yourself vying for the preeminence of your culture in a household of competing cultures, try this: Determine to seek spiritual harmony in your home this holiday season. You can create the opportunity for it through cross-cultural discovery. Here are some suggestions: Recognize that your home is a multicultural storehouse. All people have unique cultural practices and preferences. It is time to get to know your own culture and to learn about the culture of others in your household. That doesn t mean that you have to be just like each other. However, knowledge and understanding will help you relate more easily if you approach 6

7 Ultimate unity in a religious sense comes when we discover the harmony between the Hebrew scriptures and the New testament. your cultural differences as a wonderful learning experience. Ethnicity is the anchor. Ethnic identity is a safe place from to be a very Jewish book. It is written by Jews and in a Jewish context. In fact, it is impossible to fully understand the accounts of which to start a cross-cultural discovery. Ethnicity, or bloodline, the life of Jesus (the Gospels) without knowing the antecedents doesn t change even as it goes through various expressions of in the Hebrew Scriptures to which the authors and Jesus refer. culture. A Jew and a non-jew, or Gentile, will usually seek to On many occasions the New Testament authors quote the Jewish preserve their ethnic or national heritage, regardless of religion. prophets or refer back to the heroes of the Jewish faith, like So that is the anchor, or safe harbor for identity, from which to Moses, King David and Daniel. Gentiles who have been content to explore different cultural expressions or symbolic meanings. approach Christianity solely from the New Testament will greatly Blessing of the whole world is the hope for harmony. Jewish enhance their faith by reading the Hebrew Scriptures. ethnicity is a gift from God. That fact makes it worth preserving. Many Christmas carols are based on those Scriptures. O The Lord God of Israel promised to bless all nations through the Little Town of Bethlehem reminds us that the prophet Micah descendants of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. God told Abraham, I predicted that the Messiah would be born in Bethlehem (Micah will make you into a great nation and I will bless you; I will make 5:1, Hebrew Scriptures). O Come, O Come, Emmanuel is your name great, and you will be a blessing. I will bless those drawn from several passages in the book of Isaiah, including who bless you, and whoever curses you I will curse; and all the prophecy that Immanuel, which means God with us, people on earth will be blessed through you (Genesis 12:2-3). would be born of a virgin (Isaiah 7:14). Christians believe that this passage from the Hebrew If you are a Gentile who has never explored the Jewish Scriptures is stating that one of Abraham s descendants will be roots of your faith, open up the first two thirds of your Bible the Messiah, through whom all the nations of the world will be and take a look. You will gain a new appreciation for the Jewish blessed. They believe that the Messiah God spoke of is Y shua: people and God s role for us. If you are Jewish and have never She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name opened that forbidden book, the New Testament, take the Jesus (Y shua), because he will save his people from their sins time to read it for yourself, as I did. You will discover that the (Matthew 1:21). New and the Old Testaments are not two books, or two parts Thus a non-jewish member of your household represents at least one of those nations that receive a blessing from God through the Jewish people. So, in a very real sense, of a book, but they are one. When you discover that, you are well on the way to achieving that oneness in your home! Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas! Jews and Gentiles have something in common to celebrate at Christmas: blessing. Ultimate unity in a religious sense comes when we discover the harmony between the Hebrew Scriptures and the New Testament. As a Jew, I was surprised to find the New Testament Tuvya Zaretsky has a doctorate in intercultural studies. His dissertation published research on the challenges faced by Jewish-Gentile couples. He consults with couples and counselors concerning these issues, and can be reached at tuvyaz@gmail.com. Further resources can be found at End Notes 1. See for data from the 1971, 1990 and 2000 National Jewish Population Surveys. 2. American Jewish Committee, Responding to Intermarriage: Survey Analysis, Policy (New York: American Jewish Committee Department of Contemporary Jewish Life, January 2001). 3. Enoch Wan and Tuvya Zaretsky, Jewish-Gentile Couples: Trends, Challenges and Hopes (Pasadena, CA: William Carey Library, 2004) p Purple Pomegranate Publishing has some excellent resources at 7

8 A Transformed Celebration by Nancy Silver Cochran As a child, I was always envious of my next-door neighbor who got to celebrate Christmas. Being Jewish, I had my own holiday, Hanukkah, but the gentile holiday seemed so much bigger, so much better. I did not consider the meaning of either day, only the outward trappings, and my festivity did not measure up. To console me, my parents stressed that our celebration lasted eight days, while my gentile friend had only one day. We lit candles and got presents every night and they only got presents once. Yet, this did not satisfy me. My family was poor, and our presents consisted of inexpensive things like crayons and coloring books. We did get one bigger present on the last day of Hanukkah, when the relatives got together for a party. But for me, the other seven presents hardly counted. On the other hand, my neighbor lived in a transformed house for what seemed like an entire month. She had tinsel and holly decorations and an absolutely indescribable tree decorated with glowing balls and glittering ornaments. She hung a stocking by her fireplace on Christmas Eve, and what she found in it the following morning made my paltry Hanukkah collection fade into insignificance. When I grew up and left home, I determined to celebrate Christmas. I had always wanted a Christmas tree, and now I bathed in the luxury of decorating it. I did this not according to any tradition, because my Jewish upbringing had provided none. I merely acted according to the dictates of my then-hippie heart. Christmas became a joy, allowing me to express my artistic yearnings and fulfill my childhood fantasies. In fact, I loved it so much that I rarely took the tree down before Valentine s Day! As Christmas grew in my esteem, Hanukkah faded in importance. Yet neither holiday had spiritual significance for me. In my mid-twenties, however, a transformation took place in my life. I read the Bible, and its truth took hold of my heart. I saw the Messianic promise in the Jewish Scriptures and its fulfillment in Y shua (Jesus). I accepted this Jewish Messiah into my life, and everything, including my appreciation of these celebrations, was transformed. No more was Christmas merely an opportunity to decorate my house with aesthetic abandon. No longer meaningless works of art, the adornments now formed an expression of my love for my redeemer, whose birth this day celebrates. Without his presence, my Christmas tree could just as easily have been 8 called a Hanukkah bush or even a winter solstice plant. And what about Hanukkah? Is it still a faded flower to me beside the vibrant green and the sparkle of the Christmas decor? Hardly, because I think Y shua loved Hanukkah. After all, he stood in the Temple and declared, I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life (John 8:12). It was the same Temple the Maccabees had cleansed from pagan desecration nearly two centuries earlier and whose dedication with oil was the basis for the Hanukkah miracle. Hanukkah has taken on renewed, enlarged meaning for me. I derive joy from decorating my home for Christmas, but I derive even greater joy in celebrating Hanukkah, remembering what God has done for my people in ages past. So I celebrate both Christmas and Hanukkah, and over the years this special time has provided an opportunity for my gentile husband to join with me as we raise our children to be both Jewish and followers of Jesus. We have explained to them the meaning of both holidays, and they can savor the spiritual as well as the cultural aspects of both. When they are asked by their friends how they can still be Jewish if they follow Y shua, they have no trouble explaining their heritage and beliefs. We now have a grandson, and it is a joy to pass on to a third generation the wonder and awe of both Christmas and Hanukkah. Is there a contest in my heart between these two holidays? No longer. Together they have been transformed into a physical expression of the love my Messiah has for me and for all mankind. It is a transformation worth celebrating!