"Hey, whatever happened to Bill in Engineering?" one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker

Transcription

1 Vol. 16 Issue 16 All Rights Reserved 2018 SCOTTISH HOLIDAY On vacation to Scotland an Arizona businessman suffered two weeks of cold and damp weather. On his final day, he asked a small girl, Does the weather around here ever change? Don t ask me, said the girl. I m only seven! NEW CAR Two guys sat down for lunch in the cafeteria of a large automobile manufacturer. "Hey, whatever happened to Bill in Engineering?" one asked. "He got this harebrained notion he was going to build a new kind of car," his coworker replied. "How was he going to do it?" "He took a engine from a Firehawk, 6 sp. transmission from a Corvette, Camaro body, seats from a Blazer, wheels and tires from a Caddy and, well, you get the idea." "So what did he end up with?" "Ten years to life." PUBLISHED AND DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY BY PASSTIMES OF ARIZONA, LLC - PASSTIMESAZ@LIVE.COM

2 REMEMBER BEFORE SOCIAL MEDIA WHEN NO ONE CARED WHERE YOU WENT FOR LUNCH? THEY STILL DON T... OTHER THINGS According to Greek Mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two face. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate beings, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves. We all know the moon landing was staged. It was filmed by Stanley Kubrick. It cost an insane amount of money...because...wait for it...wait for it... he is a perfectionist and demanded it be filmed on location. Life is not a fairy tale. Stands to reason that, if you lose your shoe at midnight, you re probably drunk. Sure, I walk around like everything is going good, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is falling off. If you think your boss is stupid think about this: If he/she were any smarter you wouldn t have a job. 100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today, everyone has a car and only the rich have horses. Oh, how the stables have turned...

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4 THREE OUT OF THE FOUR VOICES IN MY HEAD WANT TO SLEEP...THE OTHER ONE WANTS TO KNOW IF PENGUINS HAVE KNEES PLENTY OF CHURCH MEMBERS ARE SHAKY ABOUT WHAT THEY BELIEVE, WHILE NOT MANY ARE SHAKEN BY WHAT THEY BELIEVE

5 YOUR MEDICINE BOTTLE HAS ON IT, SHAKE WELL BEFORE USING. THAT S WHAT GOD HAS TO DO WITH SOME OF HIS PEOPLE. THE OPPOSITE OF BRAVERY IS NOT COWARDICE BUT CONFORMITY

6 FLATTERY IS LIKE COLOGNE, TO BE SMELLED, NOT SWALLOWED YOU KNOW THAT THING INSIDE YOUR HEAD THAT KEEPS YOU FROM SAYING SOMETHING STUPID? YEAH, WELL MINE SEEMS TO BE BROKEN. AN AWARENESS OF GOD S GRACE MAKES WORKERS OF US ALL

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8 Answers 1. Vitamin C 2. Arlington County, Virginia 3. Six, although one died in infancy 4. 4 p.m. 5. Uranus 6. Noel Coward 7. Yellow 8. A rabbit 9. Tropicana 10. Hawaii's Mauna Loa (c) 2018 King Features Synd., Inc. DON'T KILL YOUR DREAM - EXECUTE IT I HAD NO IDEA HOW I ACCOMPLISHED IT, BUT THEN IT DAWNED ON ME - I WASN T GIVEN A CHOICE OUR SALVATION IS UNMERITED, UNDESERVED AND UNEARNED 1. SCIENCE: What vitamin did scientist Linus Pauling advocate as having health benefits when taken in high doses? 2. GENERAL KNOWLEDGE: Where is Arlington National Cemetery located? 3. U.S. PRESIDENTS: How many children did President Franklin Roosevelt and first lady Eleanor Roosevelt have? 4. TIME & MEASUREMENTS: If the military hour is 1600, what is the time to civilians? 5. ASTRONOMY: What was the first planet to be discovered using the telescope? 6. THEATER: Who wrote the 20th-century play Private Lives? 7. GAMES: What color is the No. 1 ball in billiards? 8. MOVIES: What kind of creature is Thumper in the Disney movie Bambi? 9. TELEVISION: What was the name of the club where husband Ricky worked on the show I Love Lucy? 10. GEOGRAPHY: What is the world s largest active volcano?

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10 LAUGHTER IS THE JAM ON THE TOAST OF LIFE; IT ADDS FLAVOR, KEEPS IT FROM BECOMING TOO DRY, IT MAKES LIFE EASIER TO SWALLOW IF GOD IS WATCHING US, THE LEAST WE CAN DO IS BE ENTERTAINING * On April 25, 1859, at Port Said, Egypt, ground is broken for the Suez Canal, an artificial waterway intended to stretch 101 miles across the Isthmus of Suez. Labor disputes and a cholera epidemic slowed construction, and the Suez Canal was not completed until four years behind schedule. * On April 27, 1865, boiler explosions on the Mississippi River steamboat Sultana kill an estimated 1,547 people, mostly Union soldiers returning home after the Civil War. The passengers were killed by flying metal, scalding water and collapsing decks. * On April 28, 1897, the Chickasaw and Choctaw, two of the Five Civilized Tribes, agree to abolish tribal government and communal ownership of land, following the goals of the Dawes Severalty Act. The other tribes soon followed, throwing open all of Indian Territory to white settlement.

11 IF YOU HAVE NO JOY THERE S A LEAK IN YOUR CHRISTIANITY SOMEWHERE. BILLY SUNDAY * On April 29, 1945, the U.S. Seventh Army's 45th Infantry Division liberates Dachau, the first concentration camp established by Germany's Nazi regime. In the course of Dachau's history, at least 160,000 prisoners passed through the camp. * On April 23, 1969, Sirhan Sirhan, a Palestinian immigrant, is sentenced to death after being convicted in the assassination of politician Robert F. Kennedy. In 1972, Sirhan's sentence was commuted to life in prison after California abolished the death penalty. * On April 26, 1977, the world-famous Studio 54, in New York City, opens its doors for the first time. Actors, models, musicians and athletes, as well as political figures came out to be seen during the disco club's brief heyday, which lasted less than three years. * On April 24, 1980, an illfated military operation to rescue the 52 American hostages held in Tehran, Iran, ends with eight U.S. servicemen dead and no hostages rescued. The hostages would not be released for another 270 days. (c) 2018 Hearst Communications, Inc. All Rights Reserved

12 IF YOU WANT SOMETHING YOU VE NEVER HAD YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING YOU VE NEVER DONE THE BEST ARMOR IS STAYING OUT OF GUN-SHOT

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14 NEVER STOP DOING YOUR BEST JUST BECAUSE NO ONE NOTICES AND GIVES YOU CREDIT. YOUR BEST IS IT S OWN REWARD IT S NOT OUR BUSINESS TO MAKE THE GOSPEL MESSAGE ACCEPTABLE, BUT TO MAKE IT AVAILABLE REALITY IS MERELY AN ILLUSION, ALBEIT A VERY PERSISTENT ONE

15 THANK GOODNESS THAT CARS HAVE AN IMAGINARY SET OF EMERGENCY BRAKES ON THE FRONT PASSENGER SIDE IF IT'S STUPID BUT WORKS, IT ISN'T STUPID

16 IT S BEEN A ROUGH WEEK, BUT ON A LIGHTER NOTE I DIDN T NEED BAIL MONEY OR HAVE TO HIDE A BODY WE DO NOT REMEMBER DAYS; WE REMEMBER MOMENTS BY THE GRACE OF GOD I AM WHAT I AM