Reconciliation. Restoring Broken Relationships. By June Hunt

Transcription

1 Reconciliation Reconciliation Restoring Broken Relationships By June Hunt The North American Indians had a unique way of celebrating restored relationships. To signify reconciliation after personal conflict or even all-out war, they sat in a circle and passed from one to another a stone bowl of burning tobacco, which they smoked through a long, hollow stem elaborately decorated with feathers. To smoke this peace pipe was to take part in a ceremony that established peace and friendship between enemies. God created us for a relationship with Himself and with others. You will always be vulnerable to disappointments, disagreements and differences, but instead of starting a war dance of revenge, develop a heart that seeks reconciliation. True reconciliation enables you to live in peace... even peace with your enemies. 1 Rom 12:18 DEFINITIONS Broken relationships began in the Garden of Eden when Adam and Eve, through sin, broke intimate fellowship with God. The need for reconciliation between God and each one of us has existed ever since! At one time we were enemies of God, going our own way apart from Him, but Christ has made it possible to be reconciled to God. Rom 5:10 A. What Is Reconciliation? Reconciliation is the act of settling or restoring differences. Most often, reconciliation means the restoring of a relationship. It is a settling or resolving of differences between friends. 2 The Old Testament Hebrew word kaphar, which means to cover, is most often translated as atonement. 3 Atonement is that sacrificial act that covers a person s sins and brings that person into reconciliation with God. Prov 16:6 The Greek word katallasso, translated reconciled in the New Testament, means to change mutually or, figuratively, to settle a debt amicably. 4 Jesus Christ has become the sacrifice for our sins. He settled our debt, reconciling us to God and giving us a ministry of reconciliation to others. We owed a debt we couldn t pay. He paid a debt He didn t owe.

2 2 Cor 5:18 Types of reconciliation 5 financial to bring accounting records into agreement relational to bring a broken relationship into harmony personal to be at peace with our circumstances or with ourselves spiritual to be at harmony with God Biblical Example of Reconciliation Joseph (Gen 37:2-45:15) The Bible is a relational textbook. The Old Testament story of Joseph is one of family conflict full of bitterness and betrayal. Surrounded by older brothers who hate him, Joseph is treated unmercifully, sold as a slave and destined to live in a pagan country under extreme pressure. Few of us escape the pain of a loved one s rejection. The all-too-easy response is to cling to the offense and, in so doing, reject the heart of God. Even in the face of accusation, Joseph doesn t lose his faith. Over time he is promoted from the prison to the palace and then second only to Pharaoh. Ultimately, God orchestrates events in Joseph s life to bring about a showdown with his brothers. Now he must choose between hardening his heart or reflecting God s heart. With immense compassion, Joseph forgives their debt and initiates the ministry of reconciliation. (See Gen ) Gen 45:15 B. What Is Alienation? Alienation occurs when a person withdraws or separates from another person, causing one to be excluded from others. 6 The Hebrew word rachiq is derived from a word which means to widen, and is translated alienated in the Old Testament. The meaning also implies recede or remove a place or relation. The Hebrew word zur is translated estranged, which means to turn aside. 7 Job 19:13 The New Testament Greek word apallotrioo means to estrange away, that is to be a nonparticipant. 8 The word is translated exclude, separate or alienate. Col 1:21-22 Types of alienation 9 legal alienation of affections (husband or wife being drawn away by a third party) the conveyance or transfer of property to another relational unfriendliness or hostility toward friends, family or the values of others personal withdrawal from reality to the extent that there is no true understanding of one s self, resulting in difficulty in developing relationships with others spiritual the state of being separated from communion with God because of sin

3 Biblical Example of Alienation David (2 Sam 13-18) Many parents feel the pain and remorse of knowing that they have failed. David s personal relationship with his son Absalom is one of the most heartrending examples of anger, bitterness and unforgiveness among close family members. Amnon, one of David s sons, rapes his own half sister Tamar. When David fails to punish Amnon, Tamar s full brother Absalom takes matters into his own hands and kills Amnon. David s detachment from his children had set up such agonizing alienation that events deteriorated from family discord to physical death. Ultimately, Absalom both rebelled against David and met a violent death. 2 Sam 18:33 C. What Is Mediation? Mediation is the intervention between conflicting parties to promote reconciliation. 10 A mediator is an outside agent brought in to produce a change or compromise between opposing individuals. Through effective communication, the mediator aids in reconciling differences. 11 The Old Testament Hebrew word for mediator is lits, which means literally to make mouths at, hence to interpret or intercede. 12 Job 33:23-24 The New Testament Greek word for mediator is mesites, which means a go-between, by implication, a reconciler Tim 2:5 Types of mediators scientific an outside chemical agent introduced into a chemical or biological process to produce change 14 professional an unbiased individual who is engaged to bring agreement to a relationship (lawyer, counselor, crisis intervention expert or professional mediator) 15 personal friend or family member who authentically cares for each individual and relies on the Holy Spirit to help clarify communication and reveal truth 16 spiritual Jesus Christ, the one and only Mediator between a Holy God and sinful mankind Goals of a mediator 17 unconditional acceptance of each other mutual forgiveness fair and honest communication insight into personal value and worth Biblical Example of Mediation Abigail (1 Sam 25:2-42)

4 Abigail s ministry of reconciliation surfaces in the story of two stubborn individuals, David and Nabal, Abigail s surly husband. A wealthy landowner, Nabal refuses David s request for food and shelter by hurling insults at him and his ragged army. Assuming the responsibility as mediator between these two angry hotheads, Abigail cools David s impending revenge by serving him and his men a meal fit for kings. She then appeals to David s sense of godly leadership and convinces him to refrain from taking vengeance... an act which ultimately belongs to the Lord. Her persuasive arguments and actions portray the wisdom that is needed for effective mediation. 1 Sam 25:35 CHARACTERISTICS No one escapes the pain of conflicting relationships. Relatives refuse to speak for years because of a long-ago disagreement. Courtrooms are crowded with litigation between coworkers, neighbors and angry mates. Even churches can t escape the destruction of discord. Examine your own heart. Do you hold on to attitudes that alienate, or do your attitudes and actions reflect God s heart... a heart of reconciliation... a heart of peace? Matt 5:9 Do I have a Heart that Alienates? 18 Acts 8:23 Pride Do I focus only on the personal injustice of how much I ve been wronged? Faultfinding Do I dwell on the mistakes of others and fail to focus on my own faults? Resentment Do I hold on to my anger until it develops into bitterness? Avoidance Do I avoid being around the person with whom I have conflict? Silence Do I close the door on communication by refusing to share my feelings in a healthy way? Isolation Do I detach and withdraw from the person physically or emotionally? Unfaithfulness Do I share unnecessary information with others and act in an untrustworthy manner? Hopelessness Do I lack the faith that God can work in any situation? Heb 12:15

5 Do I have a Heart of Reconciliation? 19 1 Cor 1:10 Humility Do I focus on how much the Lord continues to forgive me? Self-examination 20 Do I expect change only in others, or do I look at my own need to change also? Forgiveness Do I choose to release my personal rights and allow the Lord to empower me to forgive? Confrontation 21 Do I communicate my feelings without accusation? Communication 22 Do I set aside quality time to share my heart and have personal interaction? Risk taking Do I risk rejection knowing that God s love and acceptance will fulfill me? Commitment 23 Do I set aside my personal hurt for the sake of the relationship? Confidence Do I trust God to heal my heartaches and to meet my needs? 1 Thess 5:24 CAUSES OF IRRECONCILABLE DIFFERENCES Irreconcilable differences, a legal term, is recognized in many countries as grounds for divorce. Where valid, this simple courtroom plea breaks the bonds of holy matrimony, irrespective of the fault of either party. The cause of the divorce is not attributed to any acts of misconduct or improper behavior of either party. Thus the ruling provides a convenient way for eliminating any personal responsibility for the breakdown of the marriage relationship. Unfortunately, attitudes that establish these laws contribute to the moral decline of any culture. We are ultimately accountable for how we interact with others. A hardened heart that refuses to take responsibility in life only invites trouble in life. Prov 28:14 A. Downward Spiral to a Hardened Heart dislikes confrontation denies conflict exists dwells on personal injustice received

6 dominates conversation and makes no concessions declares to know all the facts deceives others about personal feelings discusses the problem with defiance distrusts motives of another defends personal views deafens ears to apologies deflates any solutions offered develops apathy detaches emotionally determines not to be hurt again disapproves of seeking a mediator deduces that the other person will never change desires revenge damages the reputation of the other person disowns personal responsibility discounts any past commitments Prov 29:1 B. Root Cause Ultimately, the root of unresolved conflict between two people is unforgiveness on the part of one or both parties. Even though you are not responsible for another person s response to your effort toward reconciliation, as a Christian, you are still called to reflect the love of Christ by forgiving in the same way God forgives. This means forgiving even when the offending person will not forgive you or acknowledge any wrongdoing. Wrong Belief: I have been so hurt and offended that I have no desire for reconciliation. Forgiveness is impossible because you will never change. Right Belief: God offered reconciliation to me before I ever changed. Because Christ forgave me, I can seek restoration in my broken relationships by yielding my rights and allowing Christ to forgive through me. Col 3:13

7 STEPS TO SOLUTION 1 Peter 3:9 A. Key Verse to Memorize 2 Cor 5:19 B. Key Passages to Read and Reread Christ s Call to Christians... Initiate Reconciliation When you have wronged another... Matt 5:23-24 When you have been wronged... Matt 18:15-18 C. Questions and Answers Question: What do I do if I can t persuade someone with a stubborn heart to reconcile? Answer: Question: You are not responsible for the response of another person, but you are accountable to God to seek reconciliation. Each person is directly accountable before God. Rom 14:12 Should I seek reconciliation even when I am still angry? Answer: Question: Reconciliation will not take place if you have not dealt with your unresolved anger. Allow the Spirit of God to bring about true repentance on your part and an attitude that can soften the heart of the one offended. Prov 18:19 How do I know if I am only chasing an impossible dream by hoping for reconciliation in the future? Answer:

8 Question: You cannot know whether a broken relationship will truly be reconciled. No one but God has total knowledge of the future. But if you respond to the Lord and to the conflict in a Christlike manner, you can assuredly have God s peace for the future. John 14:27 What do I do if my effort to bring about reconciliation with someone fails? Answer: Question: Others will be watching your response, so continue doing what is right. Rom 12:17 I was wrong in the way I related to a member of my family. What do I do if I know I ve blown it too much to be forgiven? Answer: You cannot know that you will not be forgiven. What you do know is that you are to go and ask forgiveness and leave the response of the other person to God. If forgiveness is extended, give thanks. If not, that person will have to give an account to God for being disobedient. Matt 9:6 Question: I ve grieved over a broken relationship. Nothing I have done has moved us closer toward reconciliation. What can I do now? Answer: Question: While a lack of restoration may be inevitable, a lack of forgiveness is not an option. Forgiveness is always required of us, no matter the circumstances. Eph 4:32 When my mate left me and the children and married someone else, that ended all hope of remarriage for us. Isn t it wrong to hope for reconciliation? Answer: All relationships cannot be restored, but through the life-changing power of Christ, all people can be reconciled. When a marriage is dissolved by both divorce and remarriage, the original relationship cannot be restored. But it is possible for the two divorced people to be reconciled to one another and to form a new healthy, productive relationship based on mutual respect... especially for the sake of the

9 children. Rom 12:17 D. Test the Condition of Your Heart The Heart Test Do my actions demonstrate love toward my opposer? Matt 5:44 Do I speak well of my opposer? Luke 6:28 Do I do good acts toward my opposer? Rom 12:17 Do I have a forgiving spirit toward my opposer? Matt 6:14-15 Do I exhibit meekness toward my opposer? Matt 5:5 Do I show deference toward my opposer? Phil 2:3 Do I pray on behalf of my opposer? Matt 5:44 Do I focus on eternal values when I think of my opposer? Col 3:1-3 In your heart, have you ever said to yourself, I would be willing to forgive if he would admit he was wrong.... I would let go of the past if she would just say she s sorry. Conditional acceptance is an attitude of the heart. The heart attitude communicates acceptance or rejection. E. Reconciliation or Litigation? To sue or not to sue that is the question! Or, when you have been wronged, what is right? The major Scripture dealing with civil suits is 1 Cor 6:1-7. This passage encourages God s people to settle their problems outside of court. Disputes between Christians should be addressed between the individuals themselves or with the help of other Christians. (Read Matt 18:15-17.) Civil action with an unbeliever is not forbidden, but God s heart on courtroom litigation is seen in Luke 12:58. If it is your heart s desire to have a ministry of reconciliation, avoiding civil suits will produce the following six results and will bring honor to God and reflect a life that lives above the standards of the

10 following six results and will bring honor to God and reflect a life that lives above the standards of the world: Prevent taking your argument to a public court Luke 12:58 Encourage a Biblical solution 1 Cor 6:1-7 Reflect an example of our reconciliation to God through Christ Rom 5:10 Demonstrate sacrificial love Matt 5:44 Highlight our testimony as obedient to the Word of God Matt 5:38-41 Improve our ability to help others move toward reconciliation 2 Cor 5:18-20 Prov 14:9 F. Burying the Hatchet The tomahawk, or war hatchet, a weapon of the early American Indians, carries a bloody history. Used as war clubs and hunting weapons, the originals had heads made of flint or bronze tied to wooden handles with cords of animal skin. The ceremonial tomahawk, decorated with brightly colored feathers or porcupine-quill work, was buried when peace was made with an enemy and dug up when peace was broken. From this old Indian custom comes our present day expression burying the hatchet, a phrase which means a sincere commitment to forgive and forget! 24 Is your forgiveness complete, or do you bury the hatchet but leave the handle exposed? 1 Peter 3:9 Prepare your heart for seeking reconciliation. Be willing to view the conflict as an opportunity for growth. 25 Be willing to learn what God wants you to learn. 26 Be willing to discover that you are partly at fault. 27 Be willing to expose your weaknesses. Be willing to be open with your feelings. Be willing to risk the relationship. Be willing to accept a negative outcome. Be willing to pray for God s will to be done. Col 3:15 Know that refusal to seek reconciliation affects the intimacy of your relationship with God. Humble your heart and pray, Lord, I don t want to be prideful and unbending. Lord, I want Your favor on my life not Your disfavor. Lord, I want to reflect Your character and be open to reconciliation. Matt 5:23-24

11 Seek forgiveness and apologize for words that have hurt the other person. I have tried to see our relationship from your point of view. I realize that I ve been wrong in my attitude of. Would you be willing to forgive me? Prov 6:2-3 Recognize the ground rules of communication. 28 Offer unconditional acceptance. Confront the problem, not the person. Listen without interrupting. Verbalize feelings. Use words that build self-worth. Aim for mutual understanding. Give more than you take. Eph 4:2 Be kind and gentle, trusting God to work in the heart of the other person. 29 Don t harbor resentment. Don t make excuses for yourself. Don t get drawn into arguments. Don t fail to pray. Don t have expectations of immediate acceptance. 2 Tim 2:24-25 Reflect the character of Christ in all that you do. In order to prepare your heart to reflect the character of Christ, pray, Lord, I die to my personal rights. Gal 2:20 Lord, I die to having to defend myself. Ps 28:7 Lord, I die to relying on my own abilities. Prov 28:26 Enlist a mediator if necessary. 30 Pray for God to prepare the heart of your opposer for mediation. Seek a person whom your opposer can respect.

12 Say, At times an outside person can have a different perspective that is objective. Would you be willing to consider a mediator to help us think through our problems with the hope of reaching a successful end? Matt 18:16 Do not hold yourself responsible for the outcome. 31 You cannot force reconciliation to occur. When reconciliation is refused, don t live with false guilt. A lack of reconciliation will not be wasted God will bring something good out of it. Rom 8:28 Rest in the knowledge that you have done all you can do to seek peace. Continue to show love, and treat the other person with forgiveness. Thank God for giving you the desire to be at peace with everyone. Praise God for His commitment to orchestrate your own spiritual growth. Rom 12:18 When you have been wounded in a relationship, the gauge of godly growth is having a heart of reconciliation not by fighting going through conflict, but by focusing on growing through conflict. June Hunt WHEN RECONCILIATION IS REFUSED! 32 Gal 6:9 Remember... If your heart has been repentant, you have God s total forgiveness. 1 John 1:8-9 Remember... Pray for the one who refuses reconciliation there is an unmet need. Matt 5:44 Remember... God never leaves you when you suffer the loss of a close relationship. Ps 34:18 Remember... Control what you say about those who refuse reconciliation.

13 Rom 12:14 Remember... Don t be vengeful in time God will deal with those who do wrong. Rom 12:19 Remember... God will do a work in you that is good in spite of the difficulty. Rom 8:28 NOTES 1. See Tomahawk, [cited 26 August 2002]; and Calumet, [cited 26 August 2002]; 2. Don Baker, Restoring Broken Relationships (Eugene, OR: Harvest House, 1989), James Strong, Strong s Hebrew Lexicon (electronic edition; Online Bible Millennium Edition v. 1.13) (Timnathserah Inc., July 6, 2002). 4. James Strong, Strong s Greek Lexicon (electronic edition; Online Bible Millennium Edition v. 1.13) (Timnathserah Inc., July 6, 2002) and Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary (2001), S.v. compound (verb). 5. See Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary. 6. Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary. 7. Strong, Strong s Hebrew Lexicon. 8. Strong, Strong s Greek Lexicon. 9. See Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary. 10. Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary. 11. See L. Randolph Lowry and Richard W. Meyers, Conflict Management and Counseling, Resources for Christian Counseling, ed. Gary R. Collins, vol. 29 (Waco, TX: Word, 1991), Strong, Strong s Hebrew Lexicon. 13. Strong, Strong s Greek Lexicon. 14. Merriam-Webster Collegiate Dictionary. 15. Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict (Grand Rapids: Baker, 1991), 145, Sande, Peacemaker, For more information on these goals of mediation, see Lowry and Meyers, Conflict Management, See Lynn Buzzard, Juanita Buzzard, and Laury Eck, Readiness for Reconciliation: A Biblical Guide (Oak Park, IL: Christian Conciliation Service, 1982), 7, and What Do You Do With a Broken Relationship? (Radio Bible Class, [cited August ]);

14 19. See What Do You Do With a Broken Relationship? (Radio Bible Class, [cited August ]); Baker, Restoring Broken Relationships, Baker, Restoring Broken Relationships, Baker, Restoring Broken Relationships, Baker, Restoring Broken Relationships, See Tomahawk, [cited 26 August 2002]; and Calumet, [cited 26 August 2002]; Myron Rush, Hope for Hurting Relationships (Wheaton, IL: Victor, 1989), See Sande, Peacemaker, See Sande, Peacemaker, See Rush, Hope for Hurting Relationships, What Do You Do With a Broken Relationship? (Radio Bible Class, [cited August ]); What Do You Do With a Broken Relationship? (Radio Bible Class, [cited August ]); What Do You Do With a Broken Relationship? (Radio Bible Class, [cited August ]); See Sande, Peacemaker, , and What Do You Do With a Broken Relationship? (Radio Bible Class, [cited August ]); SELECTED BIBLIOGRAPHY Allender, Dan B., and Tremper Longman III. Bold Love: A Discussion Guide Based on the Book. Colorado Springs, CO: NavPress, Baker, Don. Restoring Broken Relationships. Eugene, OR: Harvest House, Buzzard, Lynn, Juanita Buzzard, and Laury Eck. Readiness for Reconciliation: A Biblical Guide. Oak Park, IL: Christian Conciliation Service, Calumet. [cited 26 August 2002]. Dawson, John. What Christians Should Know About Reconciliation. Ventura, CA: International Reconciliation Coalition, Hunt, June. Healing the Hurting Heart: Answers to Real Letters from Real People. Dallas: Hope For The Heart, Hunt, June. Seeing Yourself Through God s Eyes. Dallas: Hope For The Heart, Lowry, L. Randolph and Richard W. Meyers. Conflict Management and Counseling. Resources for Christian Counseling, ed. Gary R. Collins, vol. 29. Waco, TX: Word, Lynch, Chuck. I Should Forgive, But... Finding Release from Anger and Bitterness. Nashville: Word, 1998.

15 McGuire, Paul, and Kristina McGuire. Heal Your Past and Change Your Marriage. Lake Mary, FL: Creation House, Moore, Michael S. Reconciliation: A Study of Biblical Families in Conflict. Joplin, MO: College Press, Nygren, Bruce. Touching the Shadows: A Love Tested and Renewed. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, Rebuilder s Guide. Oak Brook, Ill.: Institute in Basic Life Principles, Rodgers, Beverly, and Tom Rodgers. Soul-Healing Love: Ten Practical Easy-to-Learn Techniques for Couples in Crisis. San Jose, CA: Resource, Rush, Myron. Hope for Hurting Relationships. Wheaton, IL: Victor, Sande, Ken. The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict. Grand Rapids: Baker, Tomahawk. [cited 26 August 2002]. Tosini, Joseph. She Called Me Dad: Hope for Relationship in a Wounded World. Columbia, MO: Cityhill, What Do You Do With a Broken Relationship? Radio Bible Class, [cited 28 August 2002]. White, John, and Ken Blue. Church Discipline that Heals: Putting Costly Love into Action. Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity, Williams, Pat, Jill Williams, and Jerry Jenkins. Rekindled. Old Tappan, NJ: Fleming H. Revell, (from Hope For The Heart Biblical Counseling Keys 2005 by Hope For The Heart. All rights reserved.)