QUESTION 5: Resolving Conflict the Peace-making Imperative for Christ-centered Boards

Transcription

1 QUESTION 5: Resolving Conflict the Peace-making Imperative for Christ-centered Boards How do we lovingly, but boldly create a healthy culture where conflict resolution and peacemaking are foundational to our governance roles? It s not if we ll have conflict, but when so how do we affirm biblical principles that give us a God-honoring roadmap for grace and reconciliation? In this session: False Assumptions About Governance Conflict Healthy Beliefs About Conflict 5 Truths About Conflict 5 Options in Governance Conflict Situations How to Resolve Conflicts See the detailed PowerPoint notes in Tab 5B. Worksheet #5.1 Next Steps Identify your most urgent next steps to prepare for and address (when necessary) conflict resolution in your governance setting. (Be thoughtful about whether the task is a staff function or a board function based on your board policy approach.) POINT PERSON TASK DEADLINE DATE DONE DATE Tab 5A ECFA FORUMS Governance Essentials for Nonprofits Page 1 of 7

2 CONFLICT is nothing new! Ever since the dawn of time, we have recorded incidents of people in conflict: Cain and Abel (Gen. 4)- when hatred between brothers turns deadly Joseph and his brothers (Gen. 37) - where jealousy turns vindictive Paul and Barnabas (Acts 15) - when disagreement (over John Mark) sends two good men in different directions CONFLICT can become cancerous when... Relational conflicts are spiritual diseases that need to be dealt with and not ignored. If left undetected or ignored, they can be fatal to relationships and ministries. Is your relational cancer benign or malignant??? Treatable or out of control??? What board conflicts are you ignoring today? Neighbor nudge Most recent conflict on your board or in your ministry setting: who, what, when, where, why? How was it handled and how would you manage it differently today? Overall, do you welcome or abhor conflict? Tab 5A ECFA FORUMS Governance Essentials for Nonprofits Page 2 of 7

3 False Assumptions About Governance Conflict Conflict only damages relationships Conflict is a sign of disloyalty There is always a winner and a loser Conflict is unspiritual Conflict is a window of opportunity Peace must be maintained at all costs Healthy Beliefs About Conflict Conflict is a natural phenomenon and is therefore inevitable. Conflict involves personal values and needs. Conflicts usually emerge as a symptom. Most conflict is not dealt with openly because most people have not been taught effective ways of resolving conflict. Conflict provides opportunity for growth in a relationship. Unresolved conflicts interfere with growth and satisfying relationships. Q: Rate your board s culture: 10= Healthy 1= Unhealthy 5 Truths about Conflict From Making Peace by Jim Van Yperen 1. Conflict is a broken relationship. 2. Conflict is a spiritual collision. 3. Conflict is inevitable. 4. Conflict is necessary. 5. Conflict is an opportunity. RESOLVING CONFLICT is a matter of the heart! When considering conflict resolution, you must begin in the center and work outward from there. Relationally, that means healthy growth in your concentric circles of contact with God, spouse, children, church, community, workplace, world at large...and your governance roles. Tab 5A ECFA FORUMS Governance Essentials for Nonprofits Page 3 of 7

4 The Heart of the Matter... I Cor. 13:4-8a Romans 12: 9-18 Eph. 4:22-32 Col. 3: James 3:13-18 Heb. 12:1-3 Use these verses for a future board meeting discussion. Unresolved conflicts do not diminish, but grow... Difference of Opinion Spat Leads to: Confrontation Heated Debate or Argument Quarrel Leads to: Division Intense Physical Anger Fight Leads to: Rejection Hostility Confirmed War Leads to: Separation 5 Options in Conflict Situations: 1. I WIN - YOU LOSE 2. I WANT OUT, I LL WITHDRAW 3. I LL GIVE IN FOR GOOD RELATIONS (YIELD) 4. I LL MEET YOU HALFWAY (COMPROMISE) 5. I CAN CARE AND CONFRONT (RESOLVE) Caring + Confronting = Care-fronting (David Augsburger) I care about our relationships ~ I care about the issues I want to hear your views ~ I want to clearly express my views I want to respect your insights ~ I want respect for mine I trust you to be able to handle my feelings ~ I want you to trust me with yours I give you my loving, honest respect ~ I want your caring - confronting response Tab 5A ECFA FORUMS Governance Essentials for Nonprofits Page 4 of 7

5 How to Resolve Conflicts 1. Speak directly and personally to the other person. 2. Be honest in your statements and questions. 3. Make statements out of your questions. 4. Focus on your desired expectations or positive changes (rather than faults/defects). 5. Initiate loving behavior to the other person. 6. Make I statements rather than you statements. 7. Listen carefully to one another. 8. Forgive (and forget!). 9. Love unconditionally. 10.Pray for peace, reconciliation, and restored relationships. Focus on: One issue The problem Behavior Specifics Expression of feelings I statements Observation of facts Mutual understanding Rather than: Many issues The person Character Generalizations Judgment of character You statements Interpreting motives Who s winning/losing Tab 5A ECFA FORUMS Governance Essentials for Nonprofits Page 5 of 7

6 Biblical Principles James 1:2-4 Consider it pure joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. Tension is an essential element for the maturing process. Proverbs 9:8-9 Do not reprove a scoffer, lest he hate you, Reprove a wise man, and he will love you. Give instruction to a wise man, and he will be still wiser, Teach a righteous man, and he will increase his learning. Correction & Wisdom Proverbs 12:1 Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates reproof is stupid. Openness vs. Defensiveness Proverbs 12:15 The way of the fool is right in his own eyes, But a wise man is he who listens to counsel. Need to recognize our blind spots. Proverbs 27:6 Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. Relational integrity means speaking the truth in love. Matthew 18:15-17 Context V Don t be a stumbling block Take responsibility for yourself. V Parable of 99 Compassion and value for the one. V Parable of forgiven debt Motivation to forgive we have been forgiven. Tab 5A ECFA FORUMS Governance Essentials for Nonprofits Page 6 of 7

7 Question 5. Resolving Conflict the Peace-making Imperative for Christ-Centered Boards So how do we lovingly, but boldly, create a healthy culture where conflict resolution and peacemaking are foundational to our governance roles? It s not if we ll have conflict, but when so how do we affirm biblical principles that give us a God-honoring roadmap for grace and reconciliation? What are the 1-3 next steps for your board and ministry? For more information on spiritual leadership and other related online and in-person spiritual formation, discernment and renewal resources contact: Stephen A. Macchia, D.Min. Leadership Transformations, Inc. PO Box 338, Lexington, MA PO Box 64530, Colorado Springs, CO Toll free 877-TEAM-LTi Tab 5A ECFA FORUMS Governance Essentials for Nonprofits Page 7 of 7