Session 1. Conflict affects. are given both. Definition: Conflict is. not. nod. Soon. fix it. 4. Church. Trinity Bible. echurch.org Page.

Transcription

1 Session 1 Based on materials from: Conflict is all around us. It s become the air we breathe in our society. Conflict affects our marriages, families, churches, neighborhoods and workplaces. It wears us down. It affects Christians as much as anyone else, bringing us low, damaging our relationships, and tarnishing our witness to the world. But it doesn t have to be this way there s a better way within reach of all of us. Through the good news of what Jesus did on the cross, where Godd reconciles a sinful people to himself, we are given both a vision and a practical way for approaching conflict differently. Peacemaking brings the prospect of hope for broken relationships. 1 Peacemakers are people who breathe grace. They draw continually on the goodness and power of Jesus Christ. Then they bring His love, mercy, forgiveness, strength,, and wisdom to the conflicts of daily life. God delights in breathing His grace through peacemakers andd in using them to dissipate anger, improve understanding, promote justice, and encourage repentance and reconciliation. 2 Peacemaking is applying the gospel and God s principles for problem solving to everyday life. 3 Our English word conflict comes from a Latin compound that means to strike together (con together + flīgĕre to strike). Definition: Conflict is when two parties set themselves against one another sinfully Christians Are Not Exempt When our ministry staff asks churches if they experience conflict, they sometimes say, ' Absolutely not. No conflict here.' We ask, 'Any gossip?' They say, 'Lots of gossip.' We ask, 'How about backbiting?' They nod. Soon people startt to get the point. People fight over worship styles, building design, curriculum, and everything else. Christians face conflict like everyone else. Even if we see our own brokenness and dysfunction, we don't know how to fix it. 4 Trinity Bible Church echurch.org Page 1 of 6

2 1. Diversity 2. Miscommunication 3. Misunderstanding 4. Expectations What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? (James 4:1). Conflict always begins with some kind of desire. Some desires are inherently wrong, such as vengeance, lust, or greed, but many desires are not. For example, there is nothing innately wrong about desiring things like peace and quiet, respectful children, a loving spouse, more time with your grandchildren, a new computer, professional success, or a growing church. 5 Craving underlies conflict. When unmet desires turn into demands we progress toward idolatry. Unmet demands give birth to conflict. The more we want something, the more we think we need and deserve it. And the more we think we are entitled to something, the more convinced we are that we cannot be happy and secure without it. When we see something as being essential to our fulfillment and well being, it moves from being a desire to a demand. I wish I could have this evolves into I must have this! This is where trouble sets in. Even if the initial desire was not inherently wrong, it has grown so strong that it begins to control our thoughts and behavior. In biblical terms, it has become an idol. Most of us think of an idol as a statue of wood, stone, or metal worshiped by pagan people. But the concept of idolatry is much broader and far more personal than that. An idol is anything apart from God that we depend on to be happy, fulfilled, or secure. In biblical terms, it is something other than God that we set our heart on (Luke 12: 29; 1 Cor. 10: 19), that motivates us (1 Cor. 4: 5), that masters and rules us (Ps. 119: 133; Eph. 5:5), or that we trust, fear, or serve (Isa. 42: 17; Matt. 6:24; Luke 12: 4 5). In short, it is something we love and pursue more than God (see Phil. 3: 19). 6 To whatever we look for any good thing and for refuge in every need, that is what is meant by 'god.' To have a god is nothing else than to trust and believe in him from the heart.... To whatever you give your heart and entrust your being, that, I say, is really your god. Martin Luther Page 2 of 6

3 Idolatry can and does occurs even while professing to worship the true and living God. So these nations feared the LORD and also served their carved images. Their children did likewise, and their children s children as their fathers did, so they do to this day. (2 Ki 17:41). Make Sure Your Desires Do Not Turn Into Demands What am I preoccupied with? What is the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind at night? How would I answer the question: "If only, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure"? What do I want to preserve or to avoid at all costs? Where do I put my trust? What do I fear? When a certain desire is not met, do I feel frustration, anxiety, resentment, bitterness, anger, or depression? Is there something I desire so much that I am willing to disappoint or hurt others in order to have it? 7 We often protect and defend idols of the heart through concealment, disguise, and justification. One of the most common defenses of an idol of the heart is justifying it on the ground of godly desire. Even God honoring desires become idols of the heart when we demand them not for God s honor but for our own comfort, convenience, pleasure, service, etc. When they fail to satisfy our desires and live up to our expectations, we criticize and condemn them in our hearts if not with our words. 8 This sort of sinful judging is characterized by a feeling of superiority, indignation, condemnation, bitterness, or resentment. Sinful judging often involves speculating on others' motives. 9 David Powlison writes: We judge others criticize, nit pick, nag, attack, condemn because we literally play God. This is heinous. [The Bible says,] "There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and to destroy; but who are you to judge your neighbor?" Who are you when you judge? None other than a God wannabe. In this we become like the Devil himself (no surprise that the Devil is mentioned in James 3:15 and 4:7). We act exactly like the adversary who seeks to usurp God's throne and who acts as the accuser of the brethren. When you and I fight, our minds become filled with accusations: your wrongs and my rights preoccupy me. We play the self righteous judge in the mini kingdoms we establish. 10 We expect others to give allegiance to our idol. Page 3 of 6

4 If our demands continue to go unmet, our judgment will involve some form of punishment. Idols always demand sacrifices. We punish others in various ways, including: Acting cold, unresponsive, uninterested Withholding affection or physical contact Acting sad or gloomy Refusing to look at the other person in the eyes Fits of anger Manipulate, control, threaten Abandoning the relationship Our sinful anger is the wrath of the god of self. Now the works of the flesh are evident: enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy (Gal 5:19 21) We soak in the culture of the world (a culture that is not neutral). What is the world s top priority? Self. You deserve it Because you re worth it Stick up for yourself Look out for #1 Have it your way We are constantly bombarded by the message to care only about ourselves. What does the world say about selfishness? It says that it s just fine! 11 Our sinful nature never objects to the smallest outside encouragement to live for self. 12 God s Word: An arrogant a man stirs up strife, But he who trusts in the LORD will prosper. (Pr 28:25 NASB) Arrogance b leads to nothing but strife, but wisdom is gained by those who take advice. (Pr 13:10 HCSB) Before we can put off conflict, we must put off self centered thinking, which is the gasoline that feeds the fire of self centered desires, which results in conflict. Putting off self centered thinking involves putting on God centered thinking that looks to the needs, desires, preferences, and interests of others first. a Heb. rahab: lit. wide, broad, extended; arrogant. b Heb. zidon: lit. presumption, over confidence, arrogance. Page 4 of 6

5 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Phil 2:3 4). Let no one seek his own good, but the good of his neighbor. (1 Cor 10:24) [love] does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered (1 Cor 13:5 NASB) Conflict is a heart issue. Secular conflict resolution tells you that personal differences are something you can simply talk through. It misses the biblical insight that sinful desires often trigger differences that can only be resolved by a change of heart. 13 Thousands of people, including Christians, leave their jobs, neighborhoods, and friends every year due to unresolved conflict, with many people left hurting and scarred on all sides. Parents are estranged from children and extended family. They dread Christmas or other family gatherings because of all the unresolved conflict. Families are shattered and broken by divorce because of an inability or unwillingness to reconcile. People hate going to work and lose a huge amount of productivity because of conflict and the fear of dealing with it. Seemingly low level conflict (e.g., gossip, complaining, judging, and unforgiveness) causes discouragement and drains the energy out of a workplace or family. People are left in despair hurt, lonely, angry and hopeless, believing there s nowhere to turn. 14 Page 5 of 6

6 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another. (Jn 13:35). I in them and you in me, that they may become perfectly one, so that the world may know that you sent me and loved them even as you loved me. (Jn 17:23). They can encourage us to search the Scriptures (Psalm 119:7 1 72). They can help us think carefully about how and what we think or what we believe (Proverbs 15:28). They can help us work harder at communicating effectively (Ephesians 4:25). They can produce maturity and endurance (James 1:2 5). They can help us sharpen one another (Proverbs 27:17). They can strengthen our faith in the truth that God is working all things together for good (Romans 8:28 29). They give us opportunity to practice servanthood and preferring one another (Philippians 2:2 3). They give us opportunity to love and glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31 32). 15 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. (Eph 4:32). 1 Resolving Everyday Conflict Study Guide, 1. 2 The Peacemaker, Resolving Everyday Conflict, Resolving Everyday Conflict, The Peacemaker, The Peacemaker, The Peacemaker, The Peacemaker, The Peacemaker, David Powlison, Journal of Biblical Counseling 16, no. 1, Fall 1997, Resolving Everyday Conflict Study Guide, Resolving Everyday Conflict, Resolving Everyday Conflict, Resolving Everyday Conflict Study Guide, Stuart Scott, Communication and Conflict Resolution, 21. Page 6 of 6