Christian Marriage. We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness.

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1 II. Lesson 2: Commitment 1. Christian Marriage We will give ourselves to a regular lifestyle of confession and forgiveness. A. Coming Clean: Confession Confession is the doorway to growth and change in your relationship. It is essential. It is fundamental. Without it you are relegated to a cycle of repeated and deepening patterns of misunderstanding, wrong, and conflict. With it the future is bright and hopeful, no matter how big the issues that you are now facing. a. The Grace of Confession i. It is a grace to know right from wrong. 1. Change is about measuring yourself against a standard. The word of God is the standard. 2. James 1: Likes the word to a mirror 3. Accurate diagnosis always precedes effective cure. ii. It is a grace to understand the concept of indwelling sin. 1. Most tempting fallacy for us is to believe that our greatest problems exist outside of us rather than inside us. 2. Our world is fallen. 3. We live with flawed people. 4. Life is complicated by the brokenness of others. 5. Sin is self-focused and self-serving. 6. Sin is destructive to our relationships 7. Our greatest marriage problem exists inside of us not outside of us. iii. It is a grace to have a properly functioning conscience.

2 1. Many marriages travel a one-way road in the wrong direction the direction of a hardened heart. 2. Selfishness replaces service. 3. In small ways at first we begin to say and do things we would never have done in courtship. 4. We become progressively less giving, less patient, and less forgiving. 5. We began to look out for ourselves instead of the other. 6. But these are not little things; they are a sign of something happening that is destructive and dangerous. 7. At first when we do these rude and selfish acts our conscience bothers us but it won t be long before the heart is hardened and our conscience doesn t bother us anymore. 8. It is a sign of God s grace when our consciences are sensitive and our hearts are grieved at what we have become. 9. Out of this comes a desire for real and lasting change. iv. It is a grace that protects us from selfrighteousness. 1. We all suffer from some degree of spiritual blindness 2. We see the sins and weakness of our spouse. 3. We think of ourselves as more righteous than our partner. 4. It is hard to think that we are part of the problem in our marriage. 5. It is difficult to embrace loving criticism and correction of the other. 6. If we become self-righteous we desire neither change nor the help that can make it happen

3 7. 1John1:8 Self-righteousness is deceptive. 8. There is hope grace decimates selfrighteousness. v. It is grace to see ourselves with accuracy. vi. It is grace to be willing to listen and consider criticism and rebuke. 1. It is easy to be defensive. 2. We have an inner lawyer who quickly comes to our defense. 3. It takes grace to quiet our mind, to focus out attention, to settle our heart so that we can receive the help God is offering 4. Healthy marriages have two essential character qualities a. Humility of approachability b. Courage of loving honesty 5. We avoid uncomfortable moments by failing to say what needs to be said 6. We need to place our confidence in the Lord 7. When we really believe that his grace has already covered anything we may have to confess and given us power for every change to which we may need to commit we will not be afraid of living in marriages that are open and honest. vii. It is grace not to be paralyzed by regret. 1. Fear of regret keeps us from facing things in ourselves that we need to face. 2. It is hard enough to consider our present weakness and failure 3. It is even harder to consider the fruit that the weakness or failure has produced. 4. Don t give into run and hide but run to where help can be found. 5. Revelation 21:5 New is the operative word for what God is seeking to do in you and in your marriage.

4 6. You are not stuck 7. You are not committed to the mistakes of the past 8. You are not cursed to pay forever for your errors. 9. Reconciliation is possible 10. Restoration really does happen. viii. It is a grace to know that we can face our wrongs because Christ carried our guilt and shame. 1. Look at Adam and Eve. 2. Dealing with our guilt and shame is what the whole Bible is about 3. What is the power in the cross and gospel message a. So guilt and shame would not hold us b. Quit hiding c. Quit excusing d. Quit blaming e. Quit rising to our defense f. Unafraid of saying you are right, I was wrong, and I need forgiveness. g. We could look at our marriages and not declare them perfect but celebrate the fact that over years we have taken steps closer to what God has called us to be and has designed our marriages to become. h. Confession should be seen as a wonderful gift that every marriage needs. It should be freeing b. The daily habits of a confession lifestyle So what does it look like to take the grace of confession seriously to get the elephant out of the room and make honest admission of wrong the regular habit of a marriage??

5 i. We will be lovingly honest ii. We will be humble when exposed iii. We will not excuse iv. We will be quick to admit wrongs v. We will listen and examine vi. We will greet confession with encouragement 1. Judgment crushes the lifestyle of confession 2. We need to respond to confession the way God responds vii. We will be patient, persevering, and gentle in the face of wrong 1. Change is a process and seldom an event. viii. We will not return to the past 1. We will not let our marriages be held captive by the past 2. We can easily fall into a hopeless and discouraging pattern of having the same conversations over and over again. 3. Instead we establish a pattern of short accounts where a daily cycle of confession, forgiveness and reconciliation settles issues 4. We will resist in moment of hurt and anger resurrecting what has already been resolved. ix. We will put our hope in Christ 1. Give up hoping in ourselves 2. Abandon our trust in our own wisdom, righteousness and strength 3. When the shadow of the cross hangs over our marriage we live and relate differently a. Not afraid to look at ourselves b. Not surprised by our sin c. Stop working to present ourselves as righteous

6 d. Goodbye to finger pointing and self excusing e. Abandon the record of wrongs f. Issues are settled quickly g. We know we are already forgiven and what is needed has been supplied h. We can be humble and honest i. No longer defensive j. No longer afraid k. Growing nearer together as we grow to be more like Jesus Who wouldn t want a marriage like this? B. Canceling Debts a. The harvest of unforgiveness i. What you sow you will harvest Gal. 6:7-10 ii. Marriage damage stages of harvest of unforgiveness 1. Immaturity and failure each selfish act followed by a bitter response damages the affection they have for one another 2. Following into comfortable patterns confrontation, confession and forgiveness are all hard work, it is easier to give way to lower urges 3. Establishing defenses many couples build up walls of defense against each other s irritated accusations 4. Nurturing dislike meditate on what is wrong about the other their perspective becomes increasingly negative becomes the interpretive lens through which we see our spouse 5. Becoming overwhelmed at some point living with someone you don t like very much and feeling the need to daily defend ourselves from attack becomes very exhausting.

7 6. Envy of other couples tempted to doubt God s love and wisdom when you feel that you have been singled out for difficulties that others are not facing. 7. Fantasies of escape it always seems to lead here b. Then why don t people just forgive? i. We keep a record of wrongs because we are not motivated by what is best for our spouse but by what is expedient for ourselves ii. Dark benefits of unforgiveness 1. Debt is power something to hold over another s head 2. Debt is identity we feel superior to our spouse 3. Debt is entitlement our spouse owes for all their wrongs 4. Debt is weaponry the sins and failures of our spouse that we carry around with us are like a loaded gun 5. Debt puts us in God s position we are not the judge of our spouse, we should not dispense consequences iii. This is nasty stuff. It is a relational lifestyle driven by ugly selfishness. It is motivated by what we want, what we think we need, by what we feel. It has nothing to do with a desire to please God with the way we live with our spouse. This way of living turns our lover into our adversary and our home into a war zone. c. What is forgiveness? i. Begins by giving the offense to God ii. You do not carry the wrong with you (bitterness iii. You do not treat the other in light of the wrong (judgment) iv. You entrust yourself to God s mercy and justice

8 v. You give yourself to overcoming evil with good Romans 12:9-21 vi. You commit to respond to your spouse with the same grace that you have been given vii. You come to your spouse with an attitude of grace and reconciliation. Kind, patient, loving, humble, and encouraging viii. You cannot relationally forgive someone who has not asked for it ix. Forgiveness is a process not an event x. Forgiveness is a promise d. When is forgiveness needed? i. When your spouse has done something that the Bible calls sin. ii. Forgiveness is a vertical commitment and relational transaction when sin has gotten in the way of the unity, love and understanding that God welcomes us to enjoy 1. It lifts the burden off our shoulders of bearing wrongs and restores what has been broken 2. The more you are willing to forgive, the more you experience its blessings. 3. You start living in the benefits of short accounts 4. You love the fact that there are no big and open issues between you 5. You have no closets to empty 6. You are thankful and in your thankfulness you appreciate one another all the more and also the one God who call us to forgive. e. What forgiveness requires and returns i. Its an investment ii. Requires humility iii. Requires compassion does compassion ever grip you when you spouse sins against you? iv. Requires trust act of faith in God

9 v. Requires self control you must say no to yourself vi. Requires sacrifice vii. Requires remembering remembering our own sinfulness and God s grace to us f. A Better Harvest i. Forgiveness stimulates appreciation and affection ii. Forgiveness produces patience follow God s commit-confront-confess-forgive plan iii. Forgiveness produces fertile soil in which unity in marriage grows. You marriage is no longer a daily competition for who is going to get his or her way A Christian marriage consists of two sinners who are making progress in overcoming their sins, and in being and doing what God wants them to be and do.

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