THE SPIRIT OF MANIPULATION IN

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1 THE SPIRIT OF MANIPULATION IN RELATIONSHIPS Dr. Kenneth Jones Pastor, Practical Living Ministry

2 Nothing Can Impact One s Soundness of Mind Like a Manipulating or Controlling Spirit or Person Manipulation is the process of one person, group, or organization controlling the way we think, behavior, and act. God desires that we have a sound mind, calm, disciplined and able to act appropriately in the midst of chaos, trials, tribulations, and strife. Manipulation by others, demonic forces, and the world can hinder us from experiencing a sound mind Topics of Discussion Church Manipulation Witchcraft Manipulating and the Spirit of Manipulation within Interpersonal relationships (marriage, family, friendships, and NOTE: I purposely pursued other authors/teachings in this to protect anyone that I have counseled regarding these issues.

3 There is always a Natural propensity to do something as well as an Oppressive Spirit, Pressing upon an Individual in such a way to control them Some people are naturally controlling, always endeavoring to be in control out of fear, to gain advantage, to have their own way Yet there is a manipulative spirit, sometimes utilizing other people that oppresses our spirit in an effort to deceive, distract, control, and incapacitate Manipulation and Passiveness go hand in hand. The Spirit of Manipulation relies upon the passivity of the person one wishes to manipulate The Manipulative person or spirit seeks to control people or circumstances to one s own advantage Manipulation is a type of oppression the exercise of authority or power in a burdensome, cruel, or unjust manner Emotional upheaval such as regular outbursts of anger, high and low emotional levels, selfjustification, fear, hopelessness, abnormal fixations, etc

4 Produces a negative pattern of thinking Make you Indecisive and doubleminded Keeps you from having a sound, calm, well-disciplined mind Fear and Anxiety Can get you out of your faith Deception & Distraction Separation from God i.e. The serpent and Eve One who is being controlled feels the loss of personal identity and self-esteem

5 Micah 6:8: He has shown you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God? If you are struggling with understanding what God requires of all of us as believers, well it is defined in this scripture: (Guzik s Commentary) Do justly: Act in a just, fair way towards others. Treat them they way you want to be treated. Love mercy: Don t just show mercy, but love to show it. Give others the same measure of mercy you want to receive from the Me. Walk humbly with your God: Remember who I am your God. If you keep that in mind, you will walk humbly before Me. Okay, what is the purpose of this scripture? To reveal to us that God has a desire and expectation of our behavior to be guided by mercy, justice, and humility.

6 Spirit of Timidity - means lack of mental or moral strength, timidity (lacking courage, self confidence, boldness or determination). A shameful fear that is generated by weak, selfish character 2 Timothy 1:7: For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline. Fear is also a form of self defense, Fear or Flight. But prolonged and sustained fear can have detrimental effects on our body, soul, and spirit Dread: to feel extreme reluctance to meet or face; to fear greatly Dread is defined as being anxious or feeling extreme fear about doing something. To anticipate with anxiety, alarm, or apprehension; fear intensely Exodus 15:16: Fear and dread shall fall upon them; by the greatness of thine arm they shall be as still as a stone; till thy people pass over, O LORD, till the people pass over, which thou hast purchased.

7 Most manipulation and control is accomplished by deception, withholding, imposing blame through accusation, and fear Persecution is a type of imposed fear Acts 8:3: But Saul was going everywhere to destroy the church. He went from house to house, dragging out both men and women to throw them into prison. How many Christians today are fearful in sharing the gospel in fear of being ostracized, rejected, or even persecuted by this current culture? A child that sees his parents fear will also learn or adopt that same fear (Slavery). Manipulation is then worked through avoidance of something Dread can result from an imposed fear an anticipation of harm or unwanted action (punishment, restriction, etc)

8 Jezebel caused Elijah to fear Now Ahab told Jezebel all that Elijah had done, and how he had killed all the prophets with the sword. Then Jezebel sent a messenger to Elijah, saying, So may the gods do to me and even more, if I do not make your life as the life of one of them by tomorrow about this time. (1 Kings 19:1-2). The Fear of being held accountable - Perceived Fear Matthew 24: 24, 25: Then he which had received the one talent came and said, Lord, I knew thee that thou art an hard man, reaping where thou hast not sown, and gathering where thou hast not strawed: 25 And I was afraid, and went and hid thy talent in the earth: lo, there thou hast that is thine.

9 Fear of Separation the fear of abandonment, rejection, and loss of connectedness; of becoming a non-person not wanted, respected, or valued by anyone else Fear of shame, humiliation, and Fear of future (financial) and uncertainty Fear of the unknown Fear of Failure Phobias and irrational fears caused by traumas, a spirit of fear Fear of Man People control from a mindset of fear People react in fear from a controlling person Fear of Dying O death, where is thy sting The spirit of fear satanic oppressive and demonic forces

10 Reverential Fear Leading to submission, worship, respect, and reverence not only for God but the things of God To be in awe of A lack of respect of God is also reflected in our respect for God s servants and ministers Was Stephen in fear (Acts 7)? His fear dissipated as Christ is Revealed Acts 7: 59,60: And they stoned Stephen, calling upon God, and saying, Lord Jesus, receive my spirit. 60 And he kneeled down, and cried with a loud voice, Lord, lay not this sin to their charge. And when he had said this, he fell asleep. Lack of fear of God is rooted in a fear of men (Matthew 10:28) Hebrews 13:6: So we can say with confidence, "The LORD is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me? (NLT) Ecclesiastes 12:13: Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man.

11 Whether we be born again or reprobate, we have the fleshly inclination to be self-willed SELF WILLED - Self-Willed means: self-pleasing, denotes one who is dominated & controlled by self-interest, one who asserts his own will even at the cost of manipulating and controlling others Governed by one's own will; not yielding to the wishes of others When we exert or self will upon others, then we may find ourselves manipulating or controlling God s love is unconditional and expects our love to be. Unfortunately, people may love you as long as you are what they willed them to be I will you to be physically fit and healthy.now you are sick, disabled I will you to be financially prosperous. Now you have lost your job I don t think I have ever heard the word, IF during any marriage vows

12 God s Spirit leads and it usually does that to lead us away from something or something for our good Purpose God s purpose for our lives Protection Away from evil and evil influences Perfection through trials and tribulations Prosperity To Bring us to a place of Blessings David said, He picked me up out of the miry clay.(psalms 40:2) Paul said that he was a bondservant not out of compulsion, but volition (Romans 1:1) The Way of the Leading of the Spirit is Submission, not Controlling Romans 8:14: For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children of God Led - to lead by accompanying to (into) a place; to lead with one's self, attach to one's self as an attendant The Spirit of God is not a driver but comes alongside us to help bring us to a place God desires us to be.

13 A Personality that seeks to control others through manipulation which is usually not in sync with what God desires to accomplish by His Spirit Desire to control may be based upon past experiences, inability to control oneself, to secure one s selfish needs, fear or anxiety of one s present and future; to get one s way, or by learned behavior A spirit that oppresses & suppresses another in an effort to influence that person s thinking, behavior and actions Associated with being a Jezebel spirit that manipulates and destroys people and hinders the work of God in a person s life and in society

14 A Controlling Person Will Seek to Control Another Through Manipulation They seek to have excessive control over a person that God should alone should have they become the authority This person may use religious words or acts to manipulate someone for personal gain or to rule them, hindering that person s walk with God Spiritual Manipulation by June Hunt A.B.U.S.E. Acting spiritual to Benefit oneself by Using Self-Centered Efforts to control others

15 We will discuss the Spirit of Jezebel, but keep in mind the spirit of Jezebel is neither man nor woman However, it is found more in women than men, just as Ahab which represents passiveness is found more in men than women The purpose of this teaching is not directed at a certain gender, but a manipulative spirit or pattern of thinking that can have disastrous affect on our relationships While much discussion will be on controlling spirit in familial relationships, people control others through a variety of other settings Sexual harassment Abuse/Fear and even Reverse Abuse Gratification

16 In the marital and family relationship, All are accountable, man is responsible. In the Garden of Eden, God spoke to: Adam The Man Eve The Wife The Serpent Later He would speak to Cain- The Child All had to account for their part in participating in rebellion against God It s Your Fault! Romans 14:12: So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.

17 Doesn't allow you to prove your point when in disagreement The controlling person manipulates you with temper tantrums and threats The controlling person constantly tries to make a person(s) feel guilty or bad about the way they treat them when the opposite is really true. Even though the controlling person may be an abuser of the one they control, they will try to make the person think that they are the abused The controlling person is always expecting more from you and is never satisfied A Controlling person gives you the impression that whatever you do for him/her is never good enough, that you are always falling short. This makes the person feel indebted and obligated to continue to try harder to please, satisfy and serve the controller. The controlling person is always questioning your motives, decisions, ideas. The controlling person is constantly putting you down. Joseph Mattera, 12 Signs Someone is Controlling or Manipulating You

18 The controlling person walks away from their responsibilities as a way to manipulate others. Another way controllers have their way is to actually walk away from their responsibilities at the worst possible time if they don't get their way, thus almost blackmailing a spouse, business partner or fellow minister into letting them have their way. For example, when walking away or threatening to walk away right before or in the midst of an important meeting, the victim will agree to almost any demands so as to complete the task at hand to avoid humiliation. This is a very common form of control. The controlling person finds ways to impose their will in every situation. The controlling person threatens to end the relationship. The controlling person withholds physical affection. Joseph Mattera, 12 Signs Someone is Controlling or Manipulating You

19 Fear caused by confusion, not knowing how the other person will act or respond, etc. Lasciviousness (Greed) associated with selfishness and self-serving Witchcraft Remember the woman in the book of Acts that the Apostles cast the demon out who was serving her masters through divination? Often, emotional manipulators create soul ties with their victims by finding their weaknesses and ministering to their felt needs before they start making demands. It can be difficult to cut loose from them after developing a relationship with them A Critical Spirit an excessively negative attitude characterized by harshness in judging (Faultfinding, nitpicking and petty arguments) An Accusatory Spirit (Spirit of Accusation) Accusation is blame without Self Reflection Chaos/Confusion There is never resolution or reconciliation. It s all about the conflict There may be temporary stays of anger, but will always return to the fight

20 To understand the spirit of control and manipulation as epitomized by Jezebel, we must understand the genesis of her personality in the Bible Manipulator - Jezebel uses other people as objects, where it suits her need, to gain control, influence and power Control and manipulation are the strongest parts of the Jezebel nature. These are spirits of witchcraft and are extremely dangerous! Nearly everything the Jezebel does utilizes one or both spirits to attain her goal. Jezebel is the ultimate manipulator. A Jezebel spirit is a dangerous controlling spirit. This spirit spiritually abuses people in marriage, relationships, and churches. Jezebel can operate in a man or a woman. It is a manipulating, insecure, controlling, jealous spirit.

21 The Jezebel spirit is always motivated by its own agenda and relentlessly pursues it. Fear, Insecurity, and vulnerable, threatened people; Jezebels seek to control in order to feel secure. The spirit of jezebel often takes up residence in a person after a wound from the past, usually rejection or insecurity in some form. Rooted in Pride and Rebellion - I will not do it God s way. I will do it my way. I will get what I want. Jezebel is revealed as a religious spirit. Both Jezebel of the Old Testament and of Revelation operated under the cover of religion, but yet deceptive The families where a jezebel spirit resides are most often out of order. Usually one spouse abdicates their responsibility Children raised in this atmosphere are caused to take sides, grow up insecure, disrespect their parents, are manipulated and controlled, later to become controllers and manipulators themselves.

22 Is unwilling to compromise on priorities: Everything has to go the way they have planned Is strongly defensive when approached for criticism and correction, even guidance Uses control in relationships and ex-relationships: Ignores, or uses the silent treatment to instill guilt. Claims to be perfect and without fault nothing to regret or repent from. Doesn t have peace. Causes problems instead of avoiding problems. Is confrontational. Is conflict-oriented

23 And Ahab the son of Omri did evil in the sight of the Lord above all that were before him. And it came to pass, as if it had been a light thing for him to walk in the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, that he took to wife Jezebel the daughter of Ethbaal king of the Sidonians, and went and served baal, and worshiped him. I Kings 16:30-31 The main characteristics of the Ahab spirit is carelessness and irresponsibility, it simply can't be bothered. He will abdicate his Head position as priest of the family. Unable to cope with his wife's problems, tunes her out Attempts to please his Jezebel wife be letting her have her way. Feels inadequate to support his family, gets frustrated Prone to Lust, pornography, sexual-perversion, adultery, homosexuality, masturbation

24 Who is the final authority in your marriage? On what basis are you the final authority? The problem with controlling is that one spouse considers himself/herself as the final authority based upon their perception of the need, the situation, the abdication of the other spouse s responsibility and accountability Ephesians 5:21: Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God.

25 Ahab s self-will becomes evident in an incident involving the king and his vegetable garden. Ahab decided he wanted Naboth s property for his garden. (1 st Kings 21 & 22) Naboth declined the offer, just as he should have done, for God had forbidden the Jews to sell their paternal inheritance (Lev. 25:23-34). Naboth was simply obeying the law of the Lord. Ahab sulked like a child and laid down and did not eat He wanted attention and someone to feel sorry for him Jezebel found Ahab sulking in his bed and said to him, How is it that your spirit is so sullen that you are not eating food? (1 Kgs. 21:5). So he explained to her how Naboth refused to let him have his vegetable garden. She replied, Do you now reign over Israel? (1 Kgs. 21:7). In modern terms, that might sound more like, What are you, a man or a mouse? She did not or refused to believe that even though Ahab was King he was subject to the laws of God. We all know the evil perpetrated by these two and their evil was passed on to their children.

26 The Jezebel spirit is born of witchcraft and rebellion. The spirit of Jezebel is behind the spirit of Feminism. This spirit establishes its stronghold primarily in women; however, many men have been victimized by it as well, where it functions as a controlling spirit. The spirit of Jezebel itself is just a demon

27 You re crazy that never happened. Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory. It s all in your head. This term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light, in which a husband attempts to drive his wife crazy by dimming the lights (which were powered by gas) in their home, and then he denies that the light changed when his wife points it out. It is a very effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a lot of power (and we know that abuse is about power and control). Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim s ability to trust their own mind, then they can exert control

28 Withholding: the abusive partner pretends not to understand or refuses to listen, thinking they are being deceived Ex. I don t want to hear this again, or You re trying to confuse me. Countering: the abusive partner questions the victim s memory of events, even when the victim remembers them accurately. Ex. You re wrong, you never remember things correctly. Blocking/Diverting: the abusive partner changes the subject and/or questions the victim s thoughts. Ex. Is that another crazy idea you got from [friend/family member]? or You re imagining things; it s a demonic spirit that controlling you! Trivializing: the abusive partner makes the victim s needs or feelings seem unimportant. May express Contempt for the person. Ex. You re going to get angry over a little thing like that? or You re too sensitive. I m won t reduce myself for that. Forgetting/Denial: the abusive partner pretends to have forgotten what actually occurred or denies things like promises made to the victim. Ex. I don t know what you re talking about, or You re just making stuff up. Source derived from Love & Respect a:

29 This spirit of control is interested in gaining entrance to your soul. Your soul is your mind, will, intellect, reasoning, imagination and, a controlling person s grandest playground, your emotions. Ways of Controlling Others The release of controlling words You re not ready to speak to me! & Words of Contempt False Prophecy or the manipulation of scripture Manipulating silence (the silent treatment) and controlling the conversation Sexual favors or withholding sex Body language (standing over someone Pouting & crocodile tears Timely weeping & bouts of frustration Fear and intimidation In a family situation, use of a child(ren)

30 Thinking/Emotions Catastrophic Thinking Excessive Criticism View reasonable expectations of spouse as control pressure Emotional rigidity Rarely relaxed or peaceful Emotional overreactions when events/activities don t develop as they want Excessive financial fears Negative thinking Verbally Abusive Behavior Fearful of showing affection Difficulty praising spouse and showing intimacy Criticizes spouse in front of children Withhold affection & love Failure to support spouse with children A need to have things his/her own way Restlessness and hyperactivity (an absence of feeling safe) copyright of Practical Living Ministry, Inc. KJones 30

31 If you recognize the pattern then take steps to avoid it Cast down imaginations Act in Reverse Bless instead of curse; Submit instead of control Pray to the Father Alignment of Desires Discord Disharmony Dysfunction Strongholds Disagreement Submit to the Spirit of God, Trusting in the Lord Walk in the peace of God, letting God s peace rule our hearts and minds copyright of Practical Living Ministry, Inc. KJones 31

32 Humility - Biblically speaking, personal humility carries the notion of lowering or abasing oneself in such a manner as to attain a place of lowliness. Modern American Christianity is awash in the false gospel of self-fulfillment The Bible describes humility as meekness, lowliness and absence of self. Can you trust God to be your defense, provider, etc? God will also vindicate and uphold you if the other person is wrong. Humility and Submission also overcomes Passivity

33 Repent. Ask God to forgive you for coming under a false authority. Realize and Recognize that God wants you free and through His Son, Jesus, has set you free Respond and Be Appropriate in your Commitment Like the Bible says, let your yes be yes and your no be no (Matt. 5:37). If able, Ask push-back questions like: "Does this seem reasonable to you?"; "Are you really expecting me to do this for you?"; Can I share my thoughts on the matter?" Many times, manipulators will back down. Other times, they will argue their case. Like Paul told Timothy, don't argue back (2 Tim. 2:23-24). If they are unreasonable, go to the next step: Set another time for discussion. Employ a Time Buffer. Try to avoid being pressured to make a decision, but if you can agree to a time to discuss more appropriately in the right mindset and spirit, then respond with a soft answer and seek agreement to discuss later and commit to it. A soft answer, as Solomon said, turns away wrath (Prov. 15:1). Confront the manipulator in love and wisdom. Just like a bully on the playground, emotional manipulators sometimes need to be confronted. Remember God did not give you a spirit of fear but of power, love and a sound mind (2 Tim. 1:7). If you hope to save the relationship, the manipulator needs to be made aware of his/her tactics and given a space to repent. Jesus even gave Jezebel a space to repent (Rev. 2:21).

34 Controlling Critical Spirit Chaos? Exerting your will upon another can lead to disastrous results copyright of Practical Living Ministry, Inc. KJones 1 Peter 3:8 - Finally, all [of you] should be of one and the same mind (united in spirit), sympathizing [with one another], loving [each other] as brethren [of one household], compassionate and courteous (tenderhearted and humble). 34

35 Love, Respect & Honor One Another Appropriately in Submission to God Esteem One Another more than Self Philippians 2:3 Prefer One Another Romans 12:10 Edify One Another 1 st Thessalonians 5:11 Speak Peaceably to One Another - Being Affectionate to One another Romans 12:10 Submit to one another If you are not doing these things, you will be held accountable even if not responsible

36 Lord I repent for allowing myself to fall under control of a controlling/manipulating spirit. I ask for forgiveness as I recognize that I have given myself over and participating in a relationship where this person or group is exercising too much authority that is improper and not based upon a loving supporting relationship Lord, I pray that your Love will keep me and do not let me fall victim to the controlling words of another person or group. Help me to rely and stabilize my life on the foundation of Your Word alone and the power of Your Spirit. I thank you for discernment and wisdom so that I may recognize, think, act, and behave appropriately as I find myself being manipulated by another. Give me the words to say appropriately that reflects peace, love, and integrity and let my responses be out of wisdom and understanding, so that how I respond bring glory to your name, reflecting your character and spirit. Now Father direct my path in righteousness always. Keep me from those that would try to steer me in the opposite direction and usurp Your will for my life. Amen.