Pursuing Peace & Purity in the Family: When Sinners Say I Do, & Children Say I Won t

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1 Pursuing Peace & Purity in the Family: When Sinners Say I Do, & Children Say I Won t July 23 - Week One: Overview of the Class - Marital Moments and Prideful Parenting in Scripture - Andy Winn July 30 - Week Two: Conflict Provides Opportunities: A Biblical Framework for Peacemaking - Kenny Taylor Aug 6 - Week Three: Pursuing Peace in the Marriage/Family: Confession, Confrontation, Forgiveness - Andy Winn Aug 13 - Week Four: Why, When, How Do I Teach My Children About Sex - Ben Zweigle Aug 20 - Week Five: How to Exemplify a Marriage That Keeps the Marriage Bed Undefiled - Ben Zweigle Aug 27 - Week Six: Staying on Top of Conflict: Avoiding the Slippery Slope - Andy Winn Pursuing Peace in the Marriage/Family Introductory Questions: If it is good to overlook an offense, how do we know if we should confront an individual or just overlook the grievance? What steps have you found helpful in pursuing peace in the midst of family conflict? Gently Restore How can I help others to understand how they have contributed to the conflict so that we can be restored to one another? Job s Example of Faithful Parenting And when the days of the feast had run their course, Job would send and consecrate them, and he would rise early in the morning and offer burnt offerings according to the number of them all. For Job said, "It may be that my children have sinned, and cursed God in their hearts." Thus Job did continually. (Job 1:5 ESV) David s Great Example of Faith-filled Parenting And the Lord afflicted the child that Uriah's wife bore to David, and he became sick. David therefore sought God on behalf of the child. And David fasted and went in and lay all night on the ground. (2 Samuel 12:15-16 ESV) God in Regard to Israel (Isaiah 1 and Jeremiah 35) 1

2 Go in Private Step One: Forgive minor offenses A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense (Proverbs 19:11). How Should One Think Through the Question, Is this sin too serious to overlook? Is it dishonoring God? Rom. 2:21-24 Is it damaging your relationship? Is it hurting others (or you)? Luke 17:2-3, 1Cor. 5:6 Is it hurting the offender? James 5:19-20 Is it causing you to dwell only on the offense? Philippians 2:3-4 Is it affecting the way you respond to him/her? Keep in mind we may need to grow in maturity it may not be the other person s sin issue, but could be yours still confront. Step Two: Talk privately to reconcile personal offenses and resolve material issues If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over (Matthew 18:15). Go and Be Reconciled How can I demonstrate forgiveness and encourage a reasonable solution to this conflict? First of all remember what forgiveness is not: It is not a feeling It is not merely forgetting an incident (forgetting is a passive response, forgiveness must be an active response) It is not the same as excusing the sin (i.e. saying that it is all right ) In summary, sin creates a debt that must be paid (1 Peter 2:24) How might we sinfully take Payments for one to cover their debts with us? By withholding forgiveness By dwelling on the wrong By being cold and aloof By giving up on the relationship By inflicting emotional pain 2

3 By gossiping By lashing back By seeking revenge These responses are only hurtful in the long run. Instead, may we strive to make payments Release others from the penalties they desire to pay By God s grace, the debt is quickly and fully cancelled in your heart and mind When there has been a deep wrong, the debt it creates is not always paid at once. We may need to bear certain effects of the other person s sin over a long period of time. Fight against painful memories. Speaking gracious words when you want to say something hurtful Working to tear down walls and be vulnerable when there is little trust Possibly enduring the consequences of a material or physical injury that the person is unwilling or unable to repair. Forgiveness is a decision that can only be carried out by the grace of God. Four Promises of Forgiveness "In response to God's love for me and in reliance on his grace, I forgive you. With God 's help, 1. "I promise I will not dwell on this incident." 2. "I promise I will not bring this incident up and use it against you.'' 3. "I promise I will not talk to others about this incident." 4. "I promise I will not allow this incident to stand between us or hinder our personal relationship." When forgiving someone, tell them that the real source of their forgiveness is found is Jesus Christ. 3

4 Ten Scriptural Convictions Children Need to be Taught Consider Memorizing These Convictions With Your Kids Along with One Verse That Supports each Conviction! 1. The Bible is the inspired Word of God and the final authority for my life. (Exodus 20:3; Psalm 138:2 Matthew 4:4; 2Timothy 3:16) 2. My purpose in life is to seek God with my whole heart and to build my goals around His priorities. (Exodus 20:4,5; Psalm 119:2; Matthew 6:33; Philippians 3:8; 2 Corinthians 5:9; 1 Corinthians 10:31) 3. My body is the living temple of God and must not be defiled by the lusts of the flesh. (Exodus 20:7; 2 Samuel 12:14; Daniel 1:8; Mark 7:21-23; I Corinthians 3:16; 1 Peter 2:11; I Thessalonians 4: 3-8) 4. My church must teach the foundational truths of Scripture and reinforce my basic convictions. (Exodus 20:8; 2 Chronicles 7:14; Psalm 29:2; Matthew 7:15,16; 2 Corinthians 6:14-17; 1 Peter 4:17) 5. My children and grandchildren belong to God, and it is my responsibility to teach them Scriptural principles, godly character, and basic convictions. (Exodus 20:12; Deuteronomy 6:6,7; 4:9; Psalm 127:3; Matthew 19:14; Galatians 4:l,2; l Thess.2:ll) 6. My activities must never weaken the Scriptural convictions of another Christian. (Exodus 20:13; Proverbs 28:10; Matthew 18:6; Romans 14:13) 7. My marriage is a lifelong commitment to God and to my marriage partner. (Exodus 20:14; Genesis 2:24; Proverbs 6:32; Matthew 19:6; Romans 7:2,3) 8. My money is a trust from God and must be earned and managed according to Scriptural principles. (Exodus 20:15: Deuteronomy 8:18; Proverbs 15:6; Malachi 3:8; Luke 16:11; I Timothy 6:10) 9. My words must be in harmony with Scripture, especially when reproving and restoring a Christian brother. (Exodus 20:16; Proverbs 15:28, 18:21, 25:9; Matthew 12:37, 18:15; Galatians 6:1) 10. My affections must be set on things above, not on things on the earth. (Exodus 20:17; Job 1:21; Matthew 6:20,21; Colossians 3:2) 4

5 25 Ways to Provoke a Child to Anger (from The Heart of Anger, by Lou Priolo) 1. Lack of marital harmony 2. Establishing/maintaining a child centered home 3. Modeling sinful anger 4. Consistently disciplining in anger 5. Scolding 6. Being inconsistent with discipline 7. Having double standards 8. Being legalistic (Making man-made rules equal to God s law, or a test of spirituality) 9. Not admitting when you are wrong 10. Constantly finding fault 11. Parents reversing God given roles 12. Not listening to the child s opinion or side of the story 13. Comparing children to others 14. Not having time to talk 15. Not praising the child 16. Failing to keep promises 17. Chastising him in front of others 18. Giving too much freedom 19. Not giving enough freedom 20. Making fun of the child 21. Abusing them physically 22. Calling them names 23. Having unrealistic expectations 24. Showing favoritism toward one child over another 25. Employing child-training methodologies that are inconsistent with God s Word 1. Lack of marital harmony Genesis 2:24 For this cause a man shall leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. 2. Establishing/maintaining a child-centered home Colossians 1:18 He is also head of the body, the church; and He is the beginning, the first-born from the dead; so that He Himself might come to have first place in everything. 3. Modeling sinful anger Proverbs 22:24-25 Do not associate with a man given to anger; Or go with a hottempered man, Lest you learn his ways, And find a snare for yourself. 4. Consistently disciplining in anger James 1:20 For the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. 5. Scolding Ephesians 4:29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear. 5

6 6. Being inconsistent with discipline Proverbs 13:24 He who spares his rod hates his son, But he who loves him disciplines him diligently. 7. Having double standards James 1:8 A double minded man is unstable in all his ways. 8. Being legalistic (Making man-made rules equal to God s law, or a test of spirituality) Colossians 2:20-22 If you have died with Christ to the elementary principles of the world, why, as if you were living in the world, do you submit yourself to decrees, such as, Do not handle, do not taste, do not touch! (which all refer to things destined to perish with the using) -- in accordance with the commandments and teachings of men? 9. Not admitting when you are wrong Proverbs 28:13 He who conceals his transgressions will not prosper, But he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion. 10. Constantly finding fault Matthew 7:5 You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye. 11. Parents reversing God given roles Ephesians 5:23 For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. 12. Not listening to the child s opinion or side of the story Proverbs 18:13 He who gives an answer before he hears, It is folly and shame to him. 13. Comparing children to others 2 Corinthians 10:12 For we are not bold to class or compare ourselves with some of those who commend themselves; but when they measure themselves by themselves, and compare themselves with themselves, they are without understanding. 14. Not having time to talk Ephesians 5:16 Making the most of your time, because the days are evil. 15. Not praising the child Romans 13:7 Render to all what is due them:... honor to whom honor. 16. Failing to keep promises Matthew 5:33 Again, you have heard that the ancients were told, YOU SHALL NOT MAKE FALSE VOWS, BUT SHALL FULFILL YOUR VOWS TO THE LORD. 17. Chastising him in front of others Matthew 18:15 And if your brother sins, go and reprove him in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. 18. Giving too much freedom Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame. 6

7 19. Not giving enough freedom Matthew 23:4 And they tie up heavy loads, and lay them on men's shoulders; but they themselves are unwilling to move them with so much as a finger. 20. Making fun of the child Ephesians 4:32 Be kind one to another. 21. Abusing them physically James 1:20 For the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God. 22. Calling them names Ephesians 4:29 Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, that it may give grace to those who hear. 23. Having unrealistic expectations 2 Peter 3:18 But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To Him be the glory, both now and to the day of eternity. Amen. 24. Showing favoritism toward one child over another James 2:9 But if you show partiality, you are committing sin and are convicted by the law as transgressors. 25. Employing child-training methodologies that are inconsistent with God s Word 2 Timothy 3:16-17 All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work. Application: Take the following steps: 1) Identify the specific ways you have been provoking your child to anger. 2) Confess these sins to God. Ask His forgiveness and the child s forgiveness. 3) Develop a plan to replace those sinful behaviors with biblical ones. Resources Used Priolo, Lou. Heart of Anger, Grace and Truth Books; 4th edition, 2015 Sande, Ken. The Peace Maker. 3rd. Grand Rapids: Baker Books,