SPIRITUS GLADIUS ST. PAUL S EPISCOPAL CHURCH. Sorry seems to be the hardest word by The Reverend Dr. Duncan Johnston

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1 SPIRITUS GLADIUS ST. PAUL S EPISCOPAL CHURCH Join us for Welcome Back Sunday on September 16 This year our Welcome Back Sunday celebration will take place on September 16. It will mark the beginning of our Church School year together with the return of the full senior choir at the 10:00 service, followed by a picnic luncheon to start our fall season. Welcome Course to begin September 26 The seven-week course is a l i v e l y a n d i n t e r a c t i v e introduction to the Christian Faith, with a special Episcopal s l a n t, a n d i s i d e a l f o r newcomers to St Paul's and those wishing to 'brush up on believing'. Please contact Fr. Duncan for more information. Our calling as a congregation is to live our faith as deeply and devotedly as we can, and to be a house of prayer for all people. Services are open to the public, and we welcome you to worship in this holy space in the heart of Westfield. Sorry seems to be the hardest word by The Reverend Dr. Duncan Johnston Tyler really hasn t understood what an apology is. It s not his fault. He s only ten years old. I ve never met Tyler, but I think I d like him. He has a good sense of humor, and an obedient heart. His parents told him to apologize to his little brother after he had kicked him during a game of Light as a Feather. Here s the letter he wrote. "I'm sorry for kicking you. Kicking is not okay because it hurts people. Also don't forget about the time when you were a baby a crying little devil but I liked you and now you still are a crying little devil who gets away with everything. I remember when Layla used your carpet as a diaper. Ha, Ha, and Ha. Ouch. Did it really need the final Ha? Harsh. The good news for Tyler is that he is still young, and can look forward to a lifetime of making apologies. I m sure he ll improve. He may yet ha ve a career in the diplomatic service. But not just yet. Apologies seem to be quite popular these days. Barely a week goes by without a politician, celebrity, or sports star asking for forgiveness for some sort of wrongdoing. Even governments are doing it (notably, the British Prime Minister publicly apologizing to LGBT people for discriminatory policies of former British colonies.) The public reaction to these apologies is occasionally gracious, but often cynical. The late-night comedians love a laugh at the expense of a remorseful public figure. Yet, we all love a compelling story of redemption. A politician who falls but who then makes a life-changing U-turn is frequently given a second chance by voters. However, sports and entertainment stars are discovering the limits to the forgiveness that society is willing to show. As a result, we are left to pick our way through the tear-stained remains of people s careers and reputations. (Continued on page 2) 1

2 Sorry seems to be the hardest word (continued from page 1) So, it has me wondering, Just what is an apology? When is it sincere and how should we respond when we hear one? More to the point, how should you and I apologize when we know we ve messed up? The Bible is crystal clear on the matter of apologies and forgiveness Be quick to offer both. Our model, of course, is God himself, supremely shown in his Son. Father forgive them, for they know not what they do. Forgive those who trespass against you. Today you will be with me in paradise. What s more, God does not wait for someone to apologize before he forgives, and neither should we. But that is another matter. For now, let me suggest ways we can apologize to someone in a way that is sincere and healing. 1. Say you are sorry for what you did. Many bad apologies begin with mealy-mouthed expressions of regret that do not actually use the word sorry. It really is, as Elton John sang, the hardest word. It is important that you don t make your sorry sound like you are blaming the other person, as in I am sorry that you feel hurt That is not an apology, but a way of placing the responsibility for the pain onto the other person. 2. Focus on the hurt you caused the other person. Bad apologies begin with the offender saying how terrible they feel because of what they did. An apology should never be about the offender s feelings, but the other person s. The person you have hurt does not want to know how awful you feel. They need you to acknowledge that they feel awful. 3. Don t explain why you did it. It may be perfectly true, but to the other person is sounds like an excuse. When you are reconciled there will be a time to talk about the whys and wherefores, but it is not during the apology itself. 4. Take full responsibility for what you did. Never say the word but after the words I m sorry. It may well be that the other person hurt you too, but that is not the point. At this moment you are apologizing, so do not minimize the impact of your behavior, or pass the blame onto something else (like your hormones, your dad s genes, the weather, alcohol, a hard day at the office, or anything.) 5. Attempt to make amends. To show you are sincere, and to demonstrate that you are serious about wanting to restore your relationship with the person you have hurt, think of some way you can tangibly love them. For example, if you lost your temper and broke their favorite mug, buy them a new one. This is not the same as earning their forgiveness, or making up for what you did (as if that were possible). Rather, it is a demonstration of how much you value the relationship. 6. Never use the word if after the words I m sorry. If you are in doubt about whether you hurt someone, just listen to them, and that should remove the if. 7. Do not ask for forgiveness. Granting forgiveness is the responsibility of the person you hurt. They must have that power. Your apology should never be about you but them. They may choose to set themselves free by forgiving you. If they don t they sentence themselves to a prison of bitterness, and they will suffer. Yet, that is their decision, not yours. Well, I m beginning to sound like Dr. Phil, so I will stop now. So, the next time you hear a public figure apologizing remember that they were once like Tyler. And they re just like you and me. Fallen sinners, dependent on the grace of God and the forbearance of those we love even if they apologize really badly. 2

3 Thank you, Charles Banks! by Meg Smith This spring we said farewell to a special member of our St Paul's Community, Charles Banks, as he returned to his native North Carolina. For 32 years, Charles shared his talents and ministry with our community, through is his music, friendship & laughter, and leadership as a constant, caring presence through four rectorships. Vestry members voted to dedicate the choir room to Charles, in honor of all his contributions to our parish. We are forever grateful for Charles and enjoyed celebrating with him at our April 29 filled-to-capacity barbecue luncheon, Friends of Music's Annual Spring Concert, and at his final church service at the console, where he was surrounded by friends for hours! 3

4 Reflections on the 79th General Convention of The Episcopal Church by Barbie Bach The General Convention of The Episcopal Church, convening continuously every three years since 1787, met this year on July 3rd to 13th in Austin TX. I felt honored and privileged to attend General Convention as first alternate lay deputy for the Diocese of NJ, to execute the business of The Episcopal Church. Imagine a bicameral legislative process, embodied in the House of Bishops and House of Deputies, enacting 517 resolutions honed by 26 Legislative Committees through debate and testimonies. Imagine a gathering of more than 10,000 Episcopalians who love The Episcopal Church! Highlights of my convention experience were many: daily worship, dynamic preachers; decisions to revise the 1979 Book of Common Prayer and Calendar of Saints; marriage rites for everyone; welcoming the Church of Cuba back into The Episcopal Church; Racial Reconciliation, Creation Care, and Evangelism as pillars of our faith practice; public witness with Bishops United Against Gun Violence and prayer services at Hutto Detention Center for women immigrants and asylum seekers; being protested by Westboro Baptist Church; Austin s famous bat colony; Deputies of Color/Asian Caucus nightly meetings; and serving as Legislative Aide for Legislative Committee 09 Racial Justice and Reconciliation. Ask me about any of these subjects! In 2021 The General Convention will meet in Baltimore, with many volunteer opportunities. I recommend this spirit-filled experience! Kay Cross honored by Garden Club of New Jersey by Bill Havlena Kay Cross, a longtime member of St. Paul s and of Rake and Hoe in Westfield, was honored with the Golden Perennial Bloom Award at the Garden Club of New Jersey s annual meeting on June 7. The award is presented by the Central Atlantic Region of State Garden Clubs. It recognizes her almost 40 years of enthusiasm, service, and leadership in Rake and Hoe, the Garden Club of New Jersey, and the National Garden Club. An accredited Flower Show Judge and Master Judge as well as an accomplished floral designer, she is also well-known in the St. Paul s community for her years of service to and leadership of the Flower Guild together with other services to the parish. Please join us in congratulating her on this honor! 2

5 Vacation Bible Camp 2018 RECTOR The Rev. Dr. Duncan Johnston ASSISTANT RECTOR Deacon John Francis Maher Geoff Dunham Nancy Boss Mary Lynn Crozier Elisa Gallagher Tim Hamway Terence Hegarty Rob Hostler WARDENS VESTRY Gale Jacob Steve Kircher Kathy McElroy Alec Reynolds Andy Rovito Aldo Scrofani Kathy Stotler 2

6 Welcome John Francis Maher as Assistant Rector Deacon John Francis Maher has joined St. Paul s as Assistant Rector for Missional Engagement. Born in New York City, he was raised in Chester County, Pennsylvania. His father is an Episcopal priest and his mother also is an ordained minister. John Francis received a Masters of Divinity from Princeton Theological Seminary in 2017, and a Masters of Sacred Theology from The General Theological Seminary in In addition to pursuing a successful career in the music industry, he was also one of the founding members of Broad Street Ministries in Philadelphia, a missional community at the crossroads of the arts, justice, and hospitality for the city's most marginalized individuals, where he was a music director for many years. He was ordained to the Diaconate at the Cathedral in Trenton in June and started his ministry at St. Paul s on August 20th. We are thrilled to have him with us! Calendar of Events Sunday, September 16 9:45 am Sunday School begins 10:00 am Holy Eucharist followed by Welcome Back Parish Picnic Wednesday, September 26 The Welcome Course begins Please contact Fr. Duncan for more information Sunday, September 30 11:15 am Book Group Pachinko by Min Jin Lee Sunday, October 14 11:15 am Clean Up Sunday following the 10:00 Eucharist Weekly Schedule Sunday 7:45 am Holy Eucharist - Rite I 10:00 am Holy Eucharist with Choir - Rite II Church School at 9:45 Monday-Thursday 9:10 am Morning Prayer Thursday 9:30 am 10:30 am Holy Eucharist with Healing Bible Study Remember to check our website The website is where you can find updated information about all parish events and organizations. The site has been refreshed and navigation has been streamlined check it out at Spiritus Gladius, the St. Paul s newsletter, is published four times per year and is a ministry of the Evangelism Committee, designed to inspire members to share the Good News of Christ with their neighbors Bill Havlena, editor 4