RANDOM THOUGHTS. Vol. 16 Issue 28 All Rights Reserved 2018

Transcription

1 Vol. 16 Issue 28 All Rights Reserved 2018 RANDOM THOUGHTS I just watched my dog chase its tail for 10 minutes and thought, Wow, dogs are easily entertained. Then I realized that I just watched my dog chase its tail for 10 minutes. If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started. My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that some of us go to Hell and burn eternally-but I didn't want to upset him. I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life? Our hands have fingertips, but our toes don t have toe tips and yet we can tiptoe. If you watch the movie Jaws backwards it seems to be a movie about a shark that keeps throwing up people until they have to open a beach. Before the invention of the telephone, the question, Where are you would have seemed very strange.

2 UNTIL YOU KNOW THAT LIFE IS WAR, YOU CANNOT KNOW WHAT PRAYER IS FOR I'VE JUST INVENTED A NEW WORD: PLAGIARISM

3 IN ABOUT 20 YEARS, THE HARDEST THING OUR KIDS WILL HAVE TO DO IS FIND A USERNAME THAT ISN T TAKEN I'M IN A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP. MY GIRLFRIEND IS IN THE FUTURE

4 SCIENTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED THAT PEOPLE WILL BELIEVE ANYTHING WHEN YOU SAY SCIENTISTS HAVE DISCOVERED IT PRAYER IS NOT ELOQUENCE, BUT EARNESTNESS ~ HANNAH MORE

5 I DESPERATELY NEED A COLLEGE COURSE IN MAKING EYE-CONTACT TO GET OUR NATION BACK ON IT S FEET, WE MUST FIRST GET IT DOWN ON IT S KNEES. ~ BILLY GRAHAM ON A MAGICIANS' FINAL EXAM, THEY'RE ALL TRICK QUESTIONS

6 I COULD RETIRE NICELY IF I COULD SELL MY EXPERIENCE FOR WHAT IT COST ME * On July 21, 1861, war erupts on a large scale when Confederate forces under P.T. Beauregard turn back Union Gen. Irvin McDowell's troops in Virginia. Inexperienced soldiers on both sides slugged it out in a chaotic battle that resulted in a humiliating retreat by the Yankees. * On July 22, 1916, in San Francisco, a bomb hidden in a suitcase at a Preparedness Day parade on Market Street kills 10 people and wounds 40. The parade was organized by the Chamber of Commerce in support of America's possible entry into World War I. * On July 18, 1925, seven months after being released from Landsberg jail, Adolf Hitler publishes the first volume of his personal manifesto, "Mein Kampf," the blueprint for his plan of Nazi world domination.

7 POLITICIANS DIVIDE THEIR TIME BETWEEN RUNNING FOR OFFICE AND RUNNING FOR COVER "WHEN THEY CREDIT A QUOTE TO UNKNOWN, THAT MEANS THEY PROBABLY DON'T KNOW HOW TO SPELL ANONYMOUS" - UNKNOWN * On July 17, 1938, Douglas "Wrong Way" Corrigan takes off from New York, ostentatiously pointed west. Twenty-eight hours later, Corrigan landed in Dublin, Ireland, and asked, "Where am I?" He claimed that he got lost. * On July 16, 1945, the Manhattan Project comes to an explosive end as the first atom bomb is successfully tested in Alamogordo, New Mexico. In 1939, Albert Einstein had written to President Roosevelt supporting the theory that an uncontrolled nuclear chain reaction had potential as a basis for a weapon of mass destruction. * On July 19, 1956, Secretary of State John Foster Dulles announces that the United States was withdrawing its offer of $70 million in financial aid to Egypt to help with the construction of the Aswan Dam on the Nile River. The Soviets rushed to Egypt's aid. * On July 20, 1976, the seventh anniversary of the Apollo 11 lunar landing, the Viking 1 lander becomes the first spacecraft to land safely on Mars. It sent back the first close-up photographs of the rust-colored Martian surface. (c) 2018 Hearst Communications, Inc. All Rights Reserved

8 EVERY PERSON HAS A STORY TO TELL, WHICH IS WHY I NEVER TALK TO PEOPLE FEMALE SPIDERS EAT THE MALE SPIDERS AFTER MATING. THEY KNOW COLLECTING LIFE INSURANCE IS EASIER THAN CHILD SUPPORT GOD WARMS HIS HANDS AT MAN S HEART WHEN HE PRAYS