Learning to Write the Number Four

Size: px

Start display at page:

Download "Learning to Write the Number Four"

Kory Warner
6 years ago
Views:

1 Learning to Write the Number Four Page 1 Learning to Write the Number Four And Other Stories about the Fourth Principle A TIME FOR ALL AGES This past year I was having trouble telling 4 from 9. I mean, I was having trouble telling them apart when I had written them. Hereʼs how I had learned to write 4 Hereʼs how I had learned to write 9 Hereʼs what happened when I wrote 4 in a hurry I had to fix something, so I looked at the way my printer shaped 4 I discovered the tail on 4 So I relearned how to write the number four - with a tail MAIN ADDRESS When Iʼm Sixty-Four was released while I was in college. At the time, I thought that when you got to be 64 youʼd be pretty well frozen into a ritualistic pattern of behavior. You canʼt teach an old dog new tricks, you know. Well, now Iʼve been 64 for a little over 350 days, and I see things differently. Not too long ago, I told Jennifer Wallace that being older is no different than being younger. You still have uncertaincies, there are still things you are learning, there are always new mistakes to make, there are still little voices in your head saying You should have said... Later, Jennifer thanked me for saying that. Thatʼs why I said it again just now. When I look at my journey from college to today I see many ways I have changed. Back then I would hang speaker wire using these clips shaped like a squared-off U. With one hand I would hold the wire in place, and hold the clip in place, and with the other hand I would hit the clip with the hammer. Several years went by before I changed the procedure, by holding one side of the clip with a needle-nosed plier, using the other hand to help position the wire, then picking up the hammer to hit the clip. Just recently - in the 21st century - I discovered that I could hold the U clip by the cross piece, this way, and itʼs much easier. You just have to hit the pliers with the hammer. Back in college the Viet Nam war was raging, and the Civil Rights movement was transformational. I protested the war and joined one of only two integrated fraternities.

2 Learning to Write the Number Four Page 2 After graduation I was drafted, and after Basic Training - at AIT - I learned Morse Code so fast the Captain asked if I would be Permanent Party at Fort Huachuca, and teach Morse Code. I agreed, and moved off base, but someone didnʼt process my Permanent Party orders, and when my class graduated I received orders for Viet Nam. I was so distressed about it that my mother flew from New Hampshire to Arizona to accompany me on my route to Viet Nam. She was afraid that if I went to Canada it would disgrace the family. In 1980, when I was 35 years old, I believed religion was a technique used by some people to secure power over others. That December, I discovered Unitarian Universalism. My frame of reference changed. Now I believe that organized religion is about the behavior of hierarchies which have stolen the keys to the kingdom of heaven. Religion is different. The Rev. Donald Rowley said that religion is the way we find our orientation to life. He thought things through, challenged himself continually, supported the Seven Principles, and lived with integrity. He challenged us from the pulpit to write down our values. Then he said that those were our values, and it was important that we live by them, with integrity. To live with integrity means to put our values into action when it is comfortable to do so, and to put our values into action when it is uncomfortable, as well. To live with integrity also means to judge our actions by the same set of values we judge the actions of others. We UUs, who sometimes use the question mark to symbolize God, fully understand the meaning of the slogan, Question Authority. The Rev. Donald Rowley reminded us that the Fourth Principle requires us to question ourselves. In 1985, when I was 40, I moved, and discovered that my alcoholism had moved with me. At first I blamed my spouse, Louise, and eventually I secured a divorce. The divorce didnʼt help me. My younger sister, Celeste, tells me that she observed that our mom, who was wealthy, bought her way out of her difficulties, and Celeste learned that money enabled mom not to learn from her mistakes. Being of limited financial resources, I was forced to look inward for a recovery process.

3 Learning to Write the Number Four Page 3 Getting through a 12-step process is rather like applying the Fourth Principle. I had to take a hard look at the assumptions which were the foundation of my model of reality. First I had to accept that I was a practicing alcoholic. Then I adopted the belief that alcoholism is a disease. Then I accepted that I would always have the disease of alcoholism, but I could change my behavior and become a recovering alcoholic. Then I had to take responsibility for my past behavior, accept that I was to blame, and make amends. When I offered to make amends to Louise for my cruelty to her she said she had already noticed that I was making amends. Her response to my rejection of her had been to attend Al-Anon meetings, and she had already taken responsibility for what she called her part in our break-up. Most importantly, she had taken responsibility for her emotional response to past events. She had already forgiven herself, and had already forgiven me. Later, I learned some things about adult children of alcoholics, and searched my past for clues. The earliest memory I could recall was being in a car outside of the orphanage a couple of blocks from home, and hearing my mother say that if I didnʼt do whatever it was she wanted this time she would deliver me to the orphanage. I believed her. When I put the facts of my motherʼs life together I realized that when I was born my mom, who grew up with a live-in maid, was now alone in an apartment with a two-year old and a brand new baby. World War II had called dad away. She would feed her newborn, and he would vomit. I didnʼt say burp, which means you get something on your shoulder when youʼre patting babyʼs back. The medical description is projectile vomiting. I did it over and over again for six weeks, until my surgery. It made sense to me that my first experiences - of being put down after vomiting - would give me the impression that I was not welcome. But Louise had shown me another possibility. It was to put the Fourth Principle into action. I questioned the meaning of a mother putting into his crib a baby who was sick. From the babyʼs point of view it meant I was not welcome. From another point of view it meant a mother who wanted to be perfect was completely overwhelmed. When I thought about how difficult it must have been for her I felt compassion for her. I cried. I was able to forgive her.

4 Learning to Write the Number Four Page 4 In 1991, when I was 46, my mother was dying, and I went to her to express my forgiveness. She refused to talk about things in her past which were painful. She explained that she had swallowed the pain, and was holding it at bay inside her. During her lifetime she suffered from a variety of anger diseases, and eventually the resentment inside of her killed her. After she died I learned about something that had hurt her so badly she never mentioned it. She was the valedictorian of her high school class, but she was denied the opportunity to deliver a valedictory speech because of her ethnic identity. There were many times I heard people say, at AA meetings, I thank God I am an alcoholic, because my alcoholism forced me to confront my character flaws. In a similar way, today I might say, I am thankful for Unitarian Universalism, because the Fourth Principle forces me to confront my values, my ideas, my motivations, my emotional response to events, and how they are related. The Fourth Principle is always there, for every one of us. For example, last month - in April - I visited family in New England. My younger brother Lou and his significant other Connie hosted me two nights. The first night Lou and I stayed up and talked politics. Lou is a conservative, and about the only thing we agree on is single payer healthcare, even though our reasons are different. What I like about talking with Lou is that he thinks things through and he has integrity. On this visit he shared with me an analysis of road rage. The research indicates that people who react violently with road rage are the ones who take a traffic event personally. They say things like, He was trying to cut ME off. An excellent observation, this fits well into my frame of reference, and adds something to the way I understand reality. Often, Lou and I have had positive conversations, but this time we seemed to be at odds. At one point he asked me to talk for a while and he would listen. Then he asked for a chance to talk for a while, and described his work as a couples counselor. He shared that the happiest couples are those which, when one tells about something that happened, the other reacts supportively. The unhappiest couples are those which, when one tells about something that happened, the other responds with criticism. The next morning, Lou and Connie went to work, and I thought about our conversation about politics. It occurred to me that the principle Lou had shared about relationships might be applied to the relationship between unions and management. A cooperative relationship, as can be found in Germany, would make people happier than an adversarial relationship, as is found in America.

5 Learning to Write the Number Four Page 5 Lou returned first, and I renewed our political discussion. Eventually, I pressed on with one too many points about the value of a progressive income tax, and Lou reacted with anger. Among other things, he declared that I was like all liberals: I was always ready with another fact to prove he was wrong, and my attitude was that whatever he said, I knew better. It sounded like the conservative press describing liberals as educated elites who think they are better than everyone else. Lou went away to take a nap, and when Connie returned we chatted. She asked about my itinerary, and wondered why it didnʼt include a visit with my older sister Sue. I explained that Sue and I were very different. For example, when mom died and I told Sue about my earliest memory, she laughed. She said, Mom actually thought we would believe that she could deliver us to the orphanage. Thatʼs when Connie told me that Lou had believed mom could, and would - just as I had believed. When I returned home, the Fourth Principle called upon me to responsibly search for my part in causing Louʼs anger. I wondered what it was I had done. First, I realized that I actually had behaved like an educated elite who thought his ideas were better. Later, I realized that Louʼs story about relationships wasnʼt about the relationship between unions and managment. It was about the relationship between two brothers - he and I. And I had completely missed the point. Another thing happened while I was 64 which helped me to understand that I had missed other points during my life. The question was put forth to consider whether Thomas Jeffersonʼs name should be removed from our district. One of the reasons given was that he adamantly refused to give up the privilege of slave ownership. A responsible search for truth and meaning meant that I would have to examine my own life to see if I had refused to give up a privilege. Integrity would require me to judge myself by the same values I would judge Thomas Jefferson. It occurred to me that despite all the rightness I still affirm about protesting the Viet Nam War while I was in college, during my college years I was enjoying the privilege of a draft deferment. Even though I had a roommate who wrote to his draft board that he wished to give up his deferment privilege, I adamantly refused to do the same. And it didnʼt stop there. Today I believe that the US military secures privileges for the citizens of the American Empire by forcibly extracting resources from the people of other countries, sometimes by killing anyone who gets in the way. I believe it is morally unacceptable, and yet I pay my taxes in full. The War Resistorʼs League reports that thousands of people openly refuse to pay some portion of their federal income taxes which they ascribe to military spending. I adamantly refuse to join them.

6 Learning to Write the Number Four Page 6 And the UUA decries mountaintop removal, and asks us to support legislation to stop it. I fully agree, but I live in the South, and my electricity is made with the coal obtained by mountaintop removal. So it follows that whenever I pay my electric utility bill I am paying for mountaintop removal so that I can enjoy the privilege of using electricity. Even though my youngest brother John and his family are living off the grid, I adamantly refuse to give up my privilege. Not too long ago, I told Jennifer Wallace that being older is no different than being younger. You still have uncertaincies, there are still things you are learning, there are always new mistakes to make, there are still little voices in your head saying You should have said... And the Fourth Principle is always there, saying, Question Authority - and the first authority to question is your own Bo Chagnon Notes For more on the Fourth Principle, see Freedom and Responsibility in a Creedless Church at For more on coal-generated electricity, see How to Cope with the Christmas Season if You Donʼt Believe in the Divinity of Jesus, And Other Stories at sermon-archive/bodec28.pdf Step four of the twelve steps and twelve traditions of Alcoholics Anonymous is: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

The Sins of Thomas Jefferson 1

The Sins of Thomas Jefferson 1 In August of 2009 Pete Leary, Chair of the UUFR Denominational Affairs Committee, forwarded to committee members a special notice for Thomas Jefferson District Leaders from