LESSON 7-ON LINE ANGER MANAGEMENT

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1 No Lesson Quiz. Take notes while studying in order to pass the FINAL EXAM. LESSON 7-ON LINE ANGER MANAGEMENT DID WE FORGET RESENTMENTS? INJUSTICE RESENTMENT HURT 1 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

2 EXPLODING POTATOES! EXPLODING POTATOES Write a three paragraphs paper about one of the resentments you are holding inside of you and discuss with the counselor. 2 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC Holding Resentments Within

3 TWO COMMON CHARACTERISTICS USING YOUR ENERGY TO POINT OUT FLAWS OF OTHERS. When you hold resentments within. POOR SELF- ESTEEM. IF I DON T FEEL GOOD ABOUT ME, LOOKING AT YOUR FLAWS MAKES ME FEEL A LITTLE BETTER. 3 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

4 OUR VIEW OF THE PAST Would not it be wonderful if we could use past misunderstanding as a way to Strengthen relationships rather than bash each other over the head? What if your best friend did not come to your parent s or sibling s funeral? Your friend had her personal loss, apologizes with tenderness and regret. Try using past experiences to strengthen your bridges rather than to burn them down. As VICTIMS when we hold Resentments Within. 4 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

5 Consequences to Self and Others When you hold resentments within. When the actions of others create embarrassing moments, we tend to be less forgiving. It is difficult to address resentments and let it go. The rule of thumb is the more public the event, the more difficult is forgiveness. 5 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

6 Beginning Steps for Overcoming Your Resentments 1. Tell it like it is. Be sure to clearly identify what it is you are upset about. We know what we are thinking, but others often need very specific feedback before they really understand our distress. 2. Don t overlap issues. Nothing creates resentments faster than overloading others with a whole list of complaints all at once. 3. Use the problem-solving model to help you navigate this process. How have you worked through a resentment in your life? Write a one page essay and discuss with the counselor. 6 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

7 Redirect that self-talk! Other-directed resentments love nothing better than negative self-talk. All those nasty little message about the other person s shortcomings produce the same effect as kerosene on a campfire. Pay attention to your self-talk and redirect it when it becomes blaming or shaming. USE YOUR I MESSAGES. 7 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

8 REFRAME YOUR RESENTMENTS. This is just a fancy way of saying change the way you think about what happened. Consider the other person s point of view. If you yell, curse, and threaten, there is insecurity and your emotions are out of control. 8 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

9 Strive to let go of your past. Acknowledge your past, however do not allow it to control your NOW. If you are 25 years old now and your father neglected you while growing up, who is hurting from your resentments? Look at the benefits against what it is costing you. Who are you hurting with your resentments, your father or yourself? If your husband/wife left you 10 years ago, your resentments are hurting your ex-spouse or you? You will be surprised how much you are losing. What event in your past are you carry around? Write 3 paragraphs about it. Discuss with the counselor. 9 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

10 Resentments Others Direct Toward Us. Successfully managing resentments directed toward us by others is like taking a kayak through rapids and requires a high degree of self-control and skill. Before acting upon an impulse, ask yourself, Is it worth reducing myself to their level? What will be my benefits if I play into their destructive behavior? 10 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

11 Defensive resentment coping skills: 1. Remain calm and nondefensive. When someone is slinging negative comments in your direction. Your top priority is to challenge the desire to take it personally. Remember, others only become aggressive when they feel threatened. 11 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

12 Face your issues. What issue are you currently facing? Write a one page essay and discuss with the counselor. 12 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

13 2 nd step Make amends when possible. If you get short-tempered with a grocery store clerk on a bad day, it never hurts to apologize USE PROBLEM SOVING SKILLS. USE I MESSAGES. Once you have offered amends, you are free to move on to current issues and set goals for the future. What are some of the amends you need to make? Write a one page essay and discuss with the counselor. 13 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

14 Use I Statements You never listen. You always ignore me. You think you are better than me. You always interrupt me. You don t understand me. You never let me do anything. 14 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC I feel confused as I think you didn t listen to what I said. I feel sad when you say I ignore you because I make an effort to respect you. I feel threatened when you say that I think that I am better than you because I though we were friends. I feel annoyed at myself for not having better manners. I feel misunderstood as it is evident that I am not letting you know my thoughts and feelings. I feel sad that I come across as being so controlling in our relationship.

15 3 rd step Continue moving forward with your own recovery regardless of whether you are successful in resolving resentments others hold against you. You can best influence others by replacing former patterns of self-defeating thoughts and behavior with more constructive alternatives. 15 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

16 Steps for Overcoming Resentments Identify Your triggers. Get out your journal and write down your thoughts. 3 x s a day note that thought. Look for FEELINGS behind the mask. Self-directed resentments come in handy when you want to AVOID feelings. Develop ACTION plans to REDIRECT selfdirected resentments. Think Badger. These rodents always have several avenues for escape to safeguard the survival of their species. 16 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

17 Work on self-forgiveness. 1. Grieve the losses for self and others. 2. Take responsibility for past actions. 3. Acknowledge your past history, however do not allow it to influence the NOW. 17 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

18 Allow time for this to happen. Nothing this important comes easy so realize you are not cleaning out a closet, you are building a new home. When you find yourself feeling impatient or unhappy during this process, ask yourself the following questions: 1. What price should I pay for my mistake? 2. How much and how long do I have to pay for being human? 3. When will the debt be paid in full? Answer the above questions in 3 paragraphs and discuss with the counselor. 18 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

19 How do you meet your basic needs? ESTEEM, LOVE: BELONGING, FAMILY, FRIENDSHIP SAFETY: SECURITY OF BODY, OF EMPLOYMENT, OF BELONGING, OF RESOURCES, MORALITY, FAMILY, HEALTH, PROPERTY PHYSIOLOGICAL BREATHING, FOOD, WATER, SEX, SLEEP, HOMEOSTASIS, EXCRETION. 19 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

20 7 steps to creating a better life.. Make a moral inventory of self and list all wrongs to self & others. Resolve conflicts without attaching your partners-in conflict. COMMUNICATE WITH SELF THROUGH JOURNAL WRITING INNER CONVERSATIONS. Listening to people Acknowledge, confirm that you understand their feelings & thoughts LISTEN & CLARIFY THE ISSUES AS A MEDIATOR BETWEEN PEOPLE IN CONFLICT. 20 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

21 Learn to bring out the best in self and others through conversation. Conversations are one of most important activities in which we become deeper and more fully realized persons. In the short run conversations express our character, but in the long run conversations create our character as we continually practice particular ways of relating to others through LISTENING AND SPEAKING. 21 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

22 LOOKING AT YOUR VALUES AND BELIEFS VALUES ARE PRINCIPLES, STANDARDS, OR QUALITIES BUY WHICH YOU LIVE YOUR LIVE. Beliefs are facts or myths that are considered by your opinion as absolute truths. 22 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

23 Looking at your Traditional Values Security Recognition Freedom Influence Helpfulness Friendliness Spirituality Family Wealth New experiences Orderliness Quality 23 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

24 WIN-LOSE VALUES Our culture makes us think that conflicts call for a different set of values. We think the good values don t apply to CONFLICT. WE switch values in order to win. We may deceive, fight, put others down, treat others badly. 24 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

25 Choosing Values. Who do you want to be? How do you want to live? The trick about values is sticking with them. Choosing traditional values doesn t help if you don t use them when you face difficult decisions and tough situations. 25 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

26 Healthy Problem Solving in Relationships Face it, relationships take a lot of work. It s time for reality check. Real life is not some kind of fairy tale where you meet the person you always dreamed about and he are she is absolutely perfect. You will never find this. After we are all human. We make mistakes. We have trauma from the past (past baggage). 26 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

27 5 ways of solving problems in Your Relationships. 1. Compromise. 2. Do Not attack. 3. Focus on the Now. 4. Show respect. 5. Use the I statements. 27 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

28 Compromise Nobody is always right or always wrong. Comprise means being flexible with some else. Problem to solve: John wants to go to the movies and Mary wants to see her family. What is your answer using compromise? What was your Mother s maiden name? 28 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

29 How not to attack. `1. Do not bring up issues and problems of the past. 2. Do not bring up issues or problems that neither of you can change. YOU CAN NOT UNDO THE PAST. How would you solve this problem? Juan and Sam had been in high school together. They had been in rival gangs. This week they saw each other at break time at work. How can they handle the situation? 29 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

30 FOCUS ON THE NOW Stick to the issue you are arguing about now. Agree on what issue will be discussed and focus on that. Don t bring up old issues. Situation: Dan s roommate drunk all of Dan s milk when he moved in. They worked that problem out. When Dan wants his roommate to turn down his radio, how should Dan approach the problem? 30 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

31 SHOW RESPECT 1. Allow the other person to finish their statement. Interrupting is threatening to the other person. Problem: John got really mad at Mary because he saw the car had a dent. What should he do? How should Mary respond? 31 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

32 Coping is dealing with problems without losing your temper. 32 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

33 Healthy Belonging We all need other people. We might not admit it, but we don t know everything. We can t do everything on our own. We need to love and to be loved. We need to be respected in our relationships. 33 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

34 Personal Inventory Things I Cannot Change GENETICS I am bald. I was born into an abusive family. ALCOHOL & DRUG USE I dropped out of school in the 9 th grade Due to my drug use. BOUNDARIES I was sexually abused as a child. INTIMACY I was never loved as a child. SHAME My past actions have let people down. CULTURE 34 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC People in my culture are aggressive. Things I CAN Change How I deal with loosing my hair. How I deal with my family today. How I can further my education as an adult. How I treat children as an adult. How I raise my kids. How I act now. How I respond to others.

35 Cold Rain of Emotions Anger works like an umbrella to protect you from your Uncomfortable emotions. Anger protects us from Sadness, loneliness, confusion, and fear. By blowing up at other people, we feel that we are Hiding these feelings from other people. 35 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

36 What is under your Anger Umbrella? FEAR LONELINESS LOSS OF POWER SHAME SADNESS GUILT CONFUSION Answer the question above in a one page essay and discuss with the counselor. 36 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

37 How can I do a better job on my anger? Two Steps for handling your anger appropriately: 1. Ask yourself what about the situation makes you angry. 2. Look at the feelings under your anger. What are you really angry about? 37 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

38 The Tiger within.. The one you feed is the one that will come out. 38 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

39 SELF HATE HOW CAN YOU LIKE YOURSELF? SELF-HATING THOUGHTS: I don t like the way I look. I call myself stupid, worthless. I ignore praise or reuse to believe it. I often think I m no good, I m not good enough, I m unlovable. I often neglect my own basic needs (seeing a doctor, etc.). IF TWO OF THESE APPLY TO YOU, YOU MAY BE FULL OF SELF-HATE. 39 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

40 IN-DEPTH LOOK Now it is time to look within at what needs to change if you are going to Be successful at living a life You can be proud of. WHAT 2 ASSETS DO YOU NOW HAVE THAT YOU ARE PROUD THAT ARE PART OF YOUR CHARACTER? 40 c2009 Eva Gregory, CART, MA, LCDC,CCJAP,QCC

41 The Journey You will only make the journey once. What kind of journey will it be? Set up a new Destiny. Why do we have so many problems? One reason is because we are part of a vast spiritual conflict. The real issue, however, is not why we have problems but how we will respond to them.

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