Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. How I ve Learned To Do A Four-Column Resentment Inventory

Transcription

1 Step Four: Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves How I ve Learned To Do A Four-Column Resentment Inventory When I first came into recovery from codependence, I listened to recordings of the late Joe Hawk a veteran AA circuit speaker who was a student of the Steps; his grand-sponsor was brought into the program by Dr. Bob, who co-founded Alcoholics Anonymous with Bill W. Joe H. spoke extensively on Step Four. What follows is a traditional AA four-column resentment inventory based on what I ve learned from Joe H. (with a couple of innovations that he championed), from reading the AA Big Book where all 12 Step programs originate and from my own experience of weaving in elements to spotlight codependence. I ve found this to be an effective, highly revealing and decidedly vigorous way to do Step Four. -- Scott F.

2 Layla Help Me See The Truth 1A If I m seeking truth I m seeking God Working the 12 Steps is a spiritual journey. I was taught to write a little prayer at the top of each page: Help Me See The Truth. I was told that God is truth and truth is God. If I m seeking truth through this inventory, then I m also seeking God. So I write that phrase at the top of the first page of each inventory. Both prayers serve as reminders that I m on a spiritual journey, and that I will gain strength for a vigorous Step Four from the knowledge that my Higher Power is walking with me every step of the way. The FIRST TWO columns are written on page one of the inventory. In the top left-hand corner, I write the name of the person, institution or principle that I hold resentment against. I also write the page number at the top of each page; this is the first resentment against Layla, so this page is 1A. The second page is 1B first resentment, second page. The second column is the actual resentment. The AA Big Book offers two ways to do the second column. You can either combine all your resentments against a single person into one big entry, or you can do an inventory on each individual resentment that you carry. I prefer to do an inventory on each individual resentment. The purpose of an inventory is to dig for information. If I do multiple resentments, there will often be things that didn t turn up in one inventory, but will turn up in another. When I write my resentment, I let it all hang out. This is where I get to bitch, this is where I get to take their inventory, this is where I get to be the victim I m certain that I am; it s them, not me. It s never me. Here is a sample second column: The Resentment I m angry with Layla because she left me. I did everything I could to make her happy. It was never enough. She seemed incapable of accepting the love of someone who truly loves her. She was not appreciative of me, or the things I did for her. She was dishonest with me, and always seemed to be holding secrets from me. She s another one of those women who go for bad boys and has no idea how to love someone who is good to her and nice to her. I don t even know if she really knows what love means. I do know she never appreciated me. 1

3 Layla Help Me See The Truth 1B The THIRD COLUMN looks at the seven areas of self self-esteem, pride, security, ambition, sex relationships, personal relationships and the pocketbook and whether they were either hurt, threatened or interfered with due to the resentment. Bill W. devised this as a checklist. An innovation Joe H. helped spread was to dig deeper and make a full list for each area of self that is affected. I ve found the process of doing that to be incredibly revealing. The third column lists are intended to reveal the lies that my ego has told me, the lies that have formed the entire foundation of my dysfunction in unhealthy relationships. I typically use the brainstorm method; if it comes to me, I write it down. I don t analyze anything at this point, I just write. I usually write down at least 8-10 items for each area of self, and sometimes 20 items or more. I keep writing until the well seems dry. As I go through this inventory, at lot of the things I list will inevitably turn up in other inventories. Those are my patterns emerging. For example, as I inventoried a woman I loved when I was 17, I realized that I could have been doing the inventory on my qualifier. The lists were virtually identical. As I ve gained experience working this column, I now also look for the dysfunctional messages I received as a child and how my ego has turned them into truths that I believe as an adult. But I suggest that only for those who have worked this inventory a couple of times and have deeper experience in the program. Self-esteem Self-esteem is how I feel about me. What did my ego tell me that made me angry? This is often my longest list. Examples: I was the perfect boyfriend No woman should leave me no matter what I do She never really loved me; she wouldn t have left me if she really loved me She was incapable of being honest; she even lied to the couples counselor we saw 2

4 Layla Help Me See The Truth 1C Pride I look at pride in terms of how I perceive others must feel about me. What did my ego tell me that made me angry in terms of what other people must be thinking about me? Nobody should see me left by a woman Everyone will think I did something really bad to lose her Everyone will think I m a bad boyfriend Jeff said that it must be my fault because Layla wouldn t leave without a good reason; people think I m in the wrong Security What did my ego tell me that I need in order to survive? I need her; she makes me whole I need her stay in order to be okay I need her because she completes me I need her to give me the love and comfort I didn t receive as a child Ambition What did I really want? What did my ego tell me I was really after? I want Layla on my arm because she makes me look better I want a girlfriend who makes me feel safe I want a girlfriend who will heal me and give me what I didn t get as a child I want her to be the woman I thought she should be, no matter who she really is 3

5 Layla Help Me See The Truth 1D Sexual relationships How did the resentment affect my sexual (romantic) relationships and my personal relationships? How did my ego tell me I had to act? Well, I m no longer having sex She pulled away from me emotionally, so I became emotionally distant with her She should be able to read me better and know when I m hurting, and then she should give me the comfort I need I can t tell her how I am feeling because I am certain it will anger her and she will reject me Personal relationships I ve lost friends because Layla broke up with me She bad-mouthed me to a lot of our friends She s outgoing and I depend on her in helping me meet new people in social situations I have to focus all my attention on Layla, and have vanished from my friends Pocketbook We were living together and my expenses have doubled since she left I bought her a pair of diamond earrings even though I knew we were about to break up and now I m out that money We used her car most of the time because it was newer and more reliable; now I m back to driving my old junker. 4

6 Layla Help Me See The Truth 1D The FOURTH COLUMN is where I look at my part in it. Not theirs, mine. I m only cleaning up my side of the street; their side is up to them. The AA Big Book suggests that we look at the person we re inventorying with compassion. Are they not sick, just like us? And wouldn t we look on a sick friend with compassion? For me, that was a difficult concept to accept, but it s been critical in helping me let go of resentments. This is where the truth begins to emerge. I was told to work the fourth column until it turns the first three columns into lies. For example, I discovered that I m not really angry at Layla because she left me; I m angry at myself because I practically pushed her out the door. I was angry at myself because I didn t take care of myself, or our relationship, and instead I allowed resentments to fester and grow in magnitude. The fourth column looks at four things: Where was I selfish? Where was I self-seeking? Where was I dishonest? What was I afraid of? It will be the foundation for my Ninth Step. An issue I had to resolve was what to do in this column concerning resentments that stemmed from childhood abuse and neglect. How can I look at my part in a resentment when it concerns abuse I endured as a kid? Joe H. suggested that with childhood resentments, I use the fourth column to look at how the abuse I suffered as a child informed my adult behavior and relationships. What adult behavior was set in motion by my childhood abuse and neglect? How did the abuse make me selfish? Self-serving? Dishonest? What does it make me fear? Where was I selfish? I was so selfish I thought Layla had to be the woman I imagined her to be I was so selfish I thought she needed to do what I wanted her to do, no matter what she wanted I was so selfish I thought I knew what was better for her than she did I was so selfish I thought I had to control her I was so selfish I thought I was smarter than she was I was so selfish I thought I was God and could control everything 5

7 Layla Help Me See The Truth 1E Where was I self-seeking? What s the difference between being selfish and self-seeking? Joe H. explained it as only an addict would: If I have a gram of cocaine and I m not going to let you have any, I m being selfish; if you have a gram of cocaine and I m going to do anything I can to make you share it with me, that s self-seeking. I ask myself this question: What did I do to get what I want? I wanted her to fit my image of a perfect woman and allowed her no deviation or flaws I wanted her to be the woman I expected her to be, not who she really was I wanted her to do what I wanted her to do I resented her when she wouldn t go along with what I expected of her Where was I dishonest? I look at the three different kinds of lies. First, there s direct lies of commission. Then there s the lies of omission: if I had an affair and didn t tell Layla about it, I was still lying to her. Finally, I look at the lies of self-delusion that I told myself. I also look for, and mark for my Step Five, the biggest lie I told myself. This is the column where I incorporate specific codependent traits; those traits personify the lies that I told myself and others. I go to the two-page list of Patterns and Characteristics of Codependence in the green CoDA Step Workbook. Originally, I simply listed all that applied. Now, I also list the specific behaviors and incidents that were associated with that codependent behavior. I told Layla everything was okay when I was really angry at her I told myself she wasn t capable of taking care of herself and that I had to take care of her I wasn t honest with the couples counselor we saw; I wanted the blame on Layla I was passive-aggressive; I would seldom offer an opinion if it differed from what she was thinking **(The biggest lie I told myself?) I can t ever vulnerable, open and direct; if I am, Layla will punish me by leaving 6

8 Layla Help Me See The Truth 1F What was I afraid of? Being abandoned Pain Losing Layla Rejection Being real and authentic Being alone Note: After I d worked this Step three times, I tried a variation that Joe H. had recommended. I did new four-column resentment inventories on Layla and other key resentments I d already worked because I was now capable of digging much deeper. As before, I worked those inventories until I turned the first three columns into lies. For each one, I took the new resentment which was against myself and God and did a four-column inventory on that. I listed 10 or 15 resentments against myself, and then 10 or 15 against God. That is the most fearsome inventory I ve done. Another variation is a four-column fear inventory. I take around 10 of my biggest fears abandonment, pain, not being loved, etc. and do four columns on each one. But I also do four columns on their opposites. If I m afraid of pain, then I m probably also afraid of pleasure. If I m afraid of not being loved, then I m probably also afraid of being loved. That, too, has proven to be a powerful inventory. When in doubt, I refer to the AA Big Book, where this Step is detailed, and the CoDA Big Book. I confer with my sponsor and I talk to trusted fellow travelers. Recordings of the talks by Joe H. are posted on 5thTradition.org under the title: Big Book Weekend. 7