I'M SORRY. Rabbi Stewart L. Vogel

Transcription

1 I'M SORRY Rabbi Stewart L. Vogel INTRODUCTION Listening to apologies and parsing out the actual intent of the accused has become a national pastime for us. From U.S. Presidents to City Mangers of small towns, from Bernie Madoff to Tiger Woods, we listen to their words to discern the sincerity of their apology. We ask ourselves, "Are they apologizing for what they did or for being caught?" Are they accepting responsibility or blaming it on someone else? Through books and consultants, public apologies have become both a science and an art. Whether automakers dealing with recalls or a politician caught in a compromising situation, many major corporations and individuals employ lawyers to minimize legal guilt and spin doctors to minimize the perception of guilt. We live in a society in which we are taught to admit only what we have to and "deny till you die." Will Roger Clemens ever admit that he took steroids? Will Robert Rizzo, the former City Manager of Bell, ever admit that he conspired with others to inflate their salaries and intentionally hid the information from the public? How often have you watched a television interview of a politician, sports figure, or other public personalities and said to the television, "just apologize already"? There is no question that we are impacted by a society in which people avoid taking responsibility for their actions and "I'm sorry" is considered a statement of weakness. With no one in the public eye taking responsibility, why should we? On a more personal level, we also live in a world in which, thanks to Erik Segal's novel and 1970 movie Love Story, people say that Love is never having to say you re sorry. I can still remember all the greeting cards and kitschy merchandise that had that relationship advice. Unfortunately, it is not true for deeper meaningful relationships. In fact, we have come to believe quite the opposite, that saying "I'm sorry" is essential to helping people get past conflict and build a stronger relationship. John Lennon actually said it best, "Love means having to say you're sorry every fifteen minutes." CHILDREN'S APOLOGIES In a New York Times article several months ago, Alina Tugend wrote about the current American obsession with apologies. In her words: "We re taught when we re very young to say, 'I m sorry,' when we steal someone s pail in the sandbox or lock our sister in a closet. But somehow, as we grow up, our apologies often become more abstract, more defensive and less an acceptance of responsibility than a demand that the wronged person forgive us." It made me think how true it is; we teach our children to apologize for taking things from other children, for hitting someone or hurting anyone with words. We even require them to specify what they are apologizing for. What is most interesting about a child s apologies is that they are simple and clean: no if's, and's or but's. But as we get older our apologies, look less like apologies and more like a defense of our actions or even shifting blame to others.

2 2 BAD APOLOGIES If only we could learn about apologies from our children. We adults, on the other hand, have come up with an entire arsenal of bad apologies. Holly Weeks, an author and consultant, has written at length on the role of apologies in the private and public spheres. She teaches the importance of saying "I'm sorry," but also cautions about how it is said. In her words, "Done right, an apology can enhance both reputations and relationships. Done wrong, an apology can compound the original mistake, sometimes to disastrous consequences." For example, she points out that saying, I want to apologize is not an apology, any more than saying I want to lose weight is a loss of weight. Weeks goes on to analyze all the types of bad apologies that we offer. For example, how many of us have said I m sorry if you were offended, or I m sorry if your feelings were hurt? These imply that the injured party is just too sensitive. When we say, I ve been agonizing about this. I ve been losing sleep. I feel so bad. These suggest that the wronged party should take care of the apologizer. And then there s going on attack Are you going to hold this against me forever? if the apology isn t immediately accepted. Then there are the half-baked apologies. These are often phrased using the passive voice. So instead of admitting "I made a mistake", we say "Mistakes were made". I'll get back to this one later. Instead of saying "I am sorry I wrecked your car," we say "I am sorry your car was wrecked". At the heart of these ineffectual apologies is an unwillingness to be fully responsible for what has happened. Even worse are the back-handed apologies. These are really non-apologies. Instead of saying "I am sorry I offended you," we say "I am sorry you took offense." The implication here is that you should not have been offended and I have not really done anything wrong but I had better apologize anyway or else I may never hear the end of it. Many people work very hard to craft an apology that they can live with. We want to say something, but don't want to admit guilt. We don't want the person to be mad at us, but we don't believe that we are wrong. Most often what we say is not what we mean and it is certainly not what they hear. For example: When someone apologizes with "I m sorry I didn t call - I ve been really busy. The translation is: "Please be understanding about the fact that other things were more important than you. For the apology: "I m sorry you took it that way. It wasn t what I meant." The translation reads: "I think it s too bad that you had difficulty understanding me correctly." The apology: "I m sorry if I offended you." Translates to: "I can t think of anything I did wrong, but if you think so, I ll apologize any way just to get you off my back." The most famous of bad apologies is the but apology. We all know this one. It starts as a great apology- "I'm sorry that I got so upset and yelled at you..." and then, knowing full well that what we are about to do is baaaad, we utter that dirty three letter word...but. But...you always get me so upset. But... I've told you to clean up better. With the one word 'but,' we have actively shifted the blame to the other person and the entire incident is their fault. To be honest with you, in my personal life, the 'but' is my biggest nemesis. For the coming year I am making a vow to eliminate it from my apology vocabulary. 2

3 3 AVERSION TO APOLOGIES There are lots of reasons why people don't like to apologize. Whether it is an aversion to accepting responsibility or pride that gets in our way, saying 'I'm sorry' is not easy for many people. In some cases, in particular in the work place, we are often afraid of the legal implications. In general, our society often considers it a sign of weakness and should be avoided at all costs. It means that we are surrounded by a culture in which "I'm sorry" is not part of our vocabulary. It is a symptom of a society in which nothing is our fault and hence we can validate any action, because it is someone else's fault. These are the messages that you and I hear every day and it has an adverse impact on our own moral barometer. We get caught up in the "it's not my fault" game. But this aversion to apologies is not universal. According to Arthur Rosett, an emeritus professor of law, When faced with a charge that they have seriously wronged another person, Americans typically deny or challenge the claim or may try to explain and justify their actions. In Japan, unlike the United States, civil or criminal defendants must express a personal apology to those they have wronged, or to a society whose rules they have violated. An offer to pay damages or accept punishment without offering an apology would be considered insincere in Japan. After relocating to Asia from North America, Bob Pickard, a CEO of a major company wrote, I increasingly found my own culture s approach to apology callous and calculating; a tactic of last resort. BENEFIT OF AN APOLOGY The great irony in all this is that we want to hear a sincere apology from people. How many apologies of a public figure have you listened to in which you said to yourself, "if he would only say 'I'm sorry', I could forgive him." But instead, they embark upon a really bad apology and we become even angrier with them. We intuitively know the importance of a good apology and yet we fight it in our own lives. A recent Harvard Business School article pointed out, "apologies often defuse the anger of those who were injured or feel wronged." A recent British study of malpractice patients, found that 37 percent of respondents said they never would have gone to court in the first place had an explanation and an apology been extended. Likewise, a University of Missouri study showed that "contrary to the conventional wisdom which is that a defendant in court is smart to avoid an admission of guilt full apologies are more rather than less likely to result in quick settlements of lawsuits." We all know that an apology dramatically reduces the tension in a situation. In fact, an August 2002 Psychology Today article titled "I'm Sorry" states: "An apology is crucial to our mental and even physical health. Recent research shows that receiving an apology has a noticeable, positive physical effect on the body. An apology actually affects the bodily functions of the person receiving it -- blood pressure decreases, heart rate slows and breathing becomes steadier. GOOD APOLOGY So what is a good apology? At a basic level, it includes responsibility and remorse. For many people, this is what they want in a public apology. Sometimes the language is so obtuse that it is unclear whether the individual actually apologized or not. Just the other day after Reggie Bush returned his Heisman Trophy there were two 3

4 4 different headlines in the Los Angeles Times on the same day. On the front page of the newspaper it read, "The former Trojan admits 'mistakes.'" And on the front page of the sports section it read, "Bush still can't say he's sorry." And hence a distinction is made between admitting an action and demonstrating remorse. For Holly Weeks a good apology includes: "an acknowledgment of the fault or offense, regret for it and responsibility for it and, if possible, a way to fix the problem." If you are having trouble with a good apology you can go to the website Apologypros.com for poems, cards and even songs for just the right apology. According to the website, there are three vitally important aspects to an apology that will determine how the apology is received: be sincere, take responsibility for your actions and provide a sincere promise that you will try to do better. What is so fascinating is that the model set out by Holly Weeks and Apologypros.com sounds remarkably similar to the Jewish tradition of apologies. In our tradition it is called teshuvah, a return or rectification of our relationship with people we have wronged. It is the focus of the Yamim Noraim, the High Holy Days. The great Maimonides, in his work Mishna Torah, outlines the proper way of teshuvah. MAIMONIDES' PATH OF TESHUVAH Maimonides' path of teshuvah, is the model for a good apology. Based on his model, a system of the Five R's of Repentance has been developed. 1. Recognize what we did wrong. First of all it is important to admit to ourselves the wrong that we committed. Not as easy as it sounds, we must be able to be self-reflective and look at our actions without any apologetics or excuses. 2. Regret- after recognizing what we did wrong, we must feel regret for the action. In this act we accept responsibility for our actions, acknowledge that we were wrong and therefore cannot shift the blame to others. 3. Remorse- this is the act of verbalizing our regret to the appropriate party- it is the official 'I'm sorry.' Only with stages one and two, is this a sincere apology. 4. Resolve never to do the action again. This is an important stage of the High Holy Days that many people overlook. It is not just acknowledging our past misdeeds, we must also resolve to change our ways and not do the action again. Maimonides actually says that we do not achieve full repentance until we face the same situation in which we failed and given another chance do it right. 5. Restitution- In cases where we have stolen, broken, misplaced or lost something of value from someone, we must make restitution. Recognition, Regret, Remorse, Resolve, Restitution- This is the path to teshuvah and a good apology. MY BAD While the five R's of repentance are a methodical way to a good apology is it necessary for small infractions. I've recently become intrigued by the expression "my bad." Used by teenagers and adults, this expression is used for minor misdeeds when a full apology is not necessary. Interestingly enough, this expression was first used by the Sudanese born basketball player Manute Bol in the early 80's, to apologize to his teammates when he made a bad pass. When I checked with one of my high school sons, he indicated that a 'my bad' serves as an acceptable 'I'm sorry' for the constant misdeeds 4

5 5 that take place among teenagers, but would not be acceptable for a major transgression or conflict. APOLOGIES IN THE WORK PLACE One of the great impacts on apologies is the litigious society in which we live. It has been complicated by the threat of liability. This has led to apologies that have been carefully parsed to remove any real regret or accountability. Legal advisors counsel not to apologize. The great irony is that often a sincere apology would be sufficient to the aggrieved and could avoid legal action. Even in a car accident people are careful not to say I'm sorry lest it be used against them later. I'M SORRY LAW In fact, it was a traffic accident in the 1970s that led politicians to try to resolve some of these problems. A Massachusetts state senator s daughter was killed while riding her bicycle, and the driver who hit her never apologized. The senator couldn t believe that the driver had never expressed contrition. He was told that the driver had dared not risk even saying I m sorry, because it could have been seen as an admission in the litigation surrounding the girl s death. When the state senator retired, he worked with his successor to introduce and win passage of legislation that allowed people to offer benevolent gestures expressing sympathy or a general sense of benevolence" without legal consequences. The wave of I m sorry laws is part of a movement in the medical industry to encourage doctors to promptly and fully inform patients of errors and, when warranted, to apologize. Some hospitals say apologies help defuse patient anger and stave off lawsuits. And yet, many doctors are trained or warned never to admit errors in case a patient sues. Now, a majority of states have enacted I m sorry laws some that address just medical malpractice, while others apply to all civil cases. While I applaud the I'm sorry legislative movement, I am appalled that we live in a society where this is necessary. Our concern for legal implications is another nail in the coffin of apologies and a sad statement for our society. SHALOM BAYIT As I was talking about this issue with my daughter, she pointed out that sometimes we are certain that we are not wrong, but our actions still hurt the other person. In these cases when we haven't done anything wrong is it OK to say, "I'm sorry for hurting you" without an acknowledgment of recognition or regret? Most of us use these apologies frequently, but in truth they are only half effective. I would place these apologies in the category of shalom bayit- for the sake of peace in the home. But there are consequences to utilizing this apology to often. While these apologies help us to relieve the tension and seemingly get us past the conflict, in truth it does not resolve the conflict. The tension remains in the relationship and most often it will just blow up at another time. Without the individual acknowledging that he or she is at fault, true forgiveness cannot be given. This is perhaps the most important part of a good apology, it is the vehicle for forgiveness. And it is only through forgiveness that a relationship can be truly healed. Saying I'm sorry can only fully work when it is sincere. 5

6 6 PERSONAL BENEFITS OF APOLOGIES Apologizing isn t just for the aggrieved person, it s for ourselves. Professor Cohen, of the University of Florida, said that we need to take responsibility for our mistakes and wrongdoing for our own psychological and spiritual well-being. When we refuse to apologize for a wrong or are told by a lawyer or insurer not to do it, it dismantles one of life s most basic moral lessons owning up to our mistakes, Professor Cohen said. Saying I m sorry or asking forgiveness permits you to have a future relationship, he said. In cases of what are perceived as public acts of betrayal, Professor Cohen said, an apology is needed to re-establish the moral universe. It is this lack of a moral universe we feel when public figures don't offer a sincere apology. CONCLUSION And here we come to the focus of the day, to do teshuvah and recalibrate our moral compass. The ability to be self-reflective about our actions, take responsibility and repair what has been wronged by our actions. Yom Kippur is the time to recapture the importance of the I'm sorry and teach us how to do it properly. We must understand the damage that is done to our soul and to the relationships around us when we cannot sincerely apologize. Authors and marriage therapists, Drs. Charles and Elizabeth Schmitz wrote this about the importance of I'm sorry:- "love IS having to say you're sorry. There are no ifs, ands, or buts about it...contrary to what Jenny said to Oliver in Love Story, love is having to say you're sorry. This simple notion may very well be one of the great truths of the universe." How important are good apologies? Without them we can't grow as individuals. Without them we can't heal relationships. And without them we feel that we live in a world without a moral compass. It is a good apology that helps us forgive the imperfections of one another. It is the simple words, "I'm sorry," well spoken and with sincerity that help to heal the world. 6