THE ROLE OF THE BIBLICAL COUNSELOR (PART II)

Transcription

1 WEEK #4 THE ROLE OF THE BIBLICAL COUNSELOR (PART II) AGENDA: I. Last Week s Homework Testimonies II. Words Comparison of Terminology III. The Biblical Counselor as Communicator A. What is Communication? B. What is Dialogue? C. A Counseling Example (The Five Levels of Communication) D. The Communication/Dialogue Process IV. The Biblical Counselor as Listener (Part A) A. Becoming an Active Listener B. To Whom does the Biblical Counselor Listen? C. Guidelines for Active Listening VI. Small Group Breakout 45

2 II. Words Comparison of Terminology The World talks about. Addiction Autonomy ( I need my space ) Complex Cope Counseling Dependency on drugs Ethical Standards Foolishness of the Cross Guilt Complex Inner conflict Intervention Non-directive Personality Pharmacology Phobias Politically Correct Positive Reinforcement Psychology Psychotherapy Recovery Relapse Research Self-Centered Self-Esteem Success Systems Techniques Temperaments Theory Victim The Word talks about Sin Separation from God, from others Conviction Overcome Discipleship/Biblical Counseling Dependency on Christ God s Law Power of God Conviction Spirit Conviction Evangelism Rebuke, Exhort, Reprove, Admonish Spirituality Sorcery Unbelief Biblically Sound Obedience Christology Bible (Word) Directed Living Deliverance Backsliding Revelation Christ-Centered Christ-Esteem Death to Self Biblical Principles God s Precepts & Commands Manifestations of the Flesh Truth Victory through Forgiveness 46

3 Further Examples of Man s Way s Compared to God s Way (Isaiah 55:8-9 NKJV) "For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways," says the LORD. {9} "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways, And My thoughts than your thoughts. Examples Problems / Conflicts Leadership Sex Anger; Standing up for our rights I ve offended or hurt My enemies need help Money Duties Man s Way Prov. 14:12; 1 Cor. 2:14 We avoid problems and do everything we can do to get out of them. We look for excuses or shift blame to others. We fail to admit we even have problems or say they are someone else s fault. We are told to assert ourselves. Learn to take charge and give orders; these are the keys to success. We seek lovers to satisfy us. We say it s our spouse s duty to meet our needs; After all, my spouse belongs to me. We retaliate in order to get even. We protect our rights and don t let them be violated. The best defense is a good offense. We all must defend ourselves. We re told we should not let our selfesteem be destroyed by letting others discredit us. We say our enemies deserve it when they get in trouble. We show little patience for incompetence and want to say, Get rid of those people. We learn we can t have too much money. Money will bring you happiness and freedom. Always get it while the getting s good. People say If you feel like it, do it. Don t worry about those things; they ll eventually get done. We find good excuses for not fulfilling our responsibilities. God s Way Prov. 30:5-6; Col. 2:8; Hebrews 4:12 Conflicts and problems are good and for your spiritual growth. They help you to see what is within you. (Matt. 15:18-20). Rejoice that God uses them to bring you to maturity (Romans 5:3-5; James 1:2-4) Be willing to be a servant. The best leader is the one who serves. God gives grace to the humble (Matt. 20:26-28;1 Peter 5:5). You and your spouse belong to the Lord; you must seek to meet your spouse s best interests and bless your spouse. Sex is to be reserved for marriage only. (1 Cor. 7:4;1 Thess. 4:3; Hebrews 13:4). Your response to difficulties is to put off anger, forgive, and return a blessing (Romans 12:14;Eph. 4:31-23). Be willing give up your freedoms and rights for the sake of others (Matt. 5:34-48; Romans 14:15-21). Examine yourself, look for a log (Matt.7:5). Do not judge others by your standards, but be a blessing instead (Luke 6:27-28; 36-38; John 7:24; Romans 14:1-13; James 4:11-12; 1 Peter 3:8-9). Consider others as more important than yourself. (Phil. 2:3-4). Love your enemies and meet their needs. (Matt. 5:43-42; Luke 6:35). In fact, go beyond what is expected (Matt. 5:38-42) Fix your hope on God, not riches (1 Tim. 6:17). All riches are God s; give to Him and those in need (Ps. 24:1; Prov. 3:9-10; Like 12:33; 2 Cor. 9:6-12). Be obedient to God Word and do all things as unto the Lord, regardless of your feelings: God blesses obedience (Genesis 4:6-7; 1 Sam. 15:22; John 14:15; James 1:22, 4:17). 47

4 III. THE BIBLICAL COUNSELOR AS COMMUNICATOR A. What is Communication? Communication is: An act of transmitting, imparting, and making known An exchange of information or opinions Sending forth a message The purpose of communication is sharing of yourself in such a way that someone else can understand what you mean. B. What is Dialogue? Dialogue is a conversation between two or more persons. (Normally face to face). The purpose of dialogue is to come to a deeper understanding and acceptance of one another through the sharing of your feelings. What do you think?? Does the Biblical Counselor only communicate, or does he/she both communicate and dialogue? Explain Give Examples What sort of situation might develop in which a Biblical Counselor would need to share his/her feelings?? 48

5 C. A Counseling Example (The Five Levels of Communication) LEVEL 5: Small Talk or Cliché conversations Using small phrases but no personal sharing. LEVEL 4: Reporting the Facts About Others We tell others what someone else has said but still no personal sharing. LEVEL 3: Sharing our Ideas, Opinions, and Judgments Real communication begins to unfold here. The person is willing to step out and begin to share about himself. LEVEL 2: Sharing our Feelings and Emotions Expressing the feelings and emotions that lie beneath our ideas, opinions, and judgments. LEVEL 1: Open and Honest Sharing of Ourselves Complete Emotional and Personal Dialogue This level takes time and effort and produces rich rewards. God sets high standards for our communication. He makes that quite clear in: Colossians 4:6 Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer every one. 49

6 D. The Communication/Dialogue Process 1. The opening prayer. (alternatives) 2. Establish the atmosphere. (mood) While the Counselee is Speaking: 3. Your posture. Open and relaxed. 4. Begin with the determination to understand your Counselees. 5. Give your Counselees your full attention. Be courteous. Smile be pleasant!! 6. Have them clearly state their objectives. What would you like the Lord to do for you? 7. Tune in to their words, gestures, expressions, and feelings. 8. Listen attentively as they reflect their thoughts and feelings. 9. Allow sufficient time for Counselees to express their present problem, crisis, sin etc., (When counseling two or more persons, insist on courtesy of not interrupting one another.) 10. Maintain good eye contact with your Counselees. 11. Take appropriate notes without losing proper eye contact. 12. Concentrate on them and their needs Don t start thinking about your response. 13. Employ proper facial responses. Nodding confirms agreement. 14. Display empathy. 15. Let Counselees fully finish their thoughts before you begin to respond or ask questions. Note: While the Counselee(s) is speaking it is very important that the biblical counselor allow the Holy Spirit to lead the counselee s conversation. Therefore: Do not interrupt. If at all possible save all your questions until they are finished sharing their thoughts. 50

7 After the Counselee is finished sharing: 16. Now clarify what you heard. Restate it and ask them if what you heard is correct. 17. Express what you heard, saw, felt. 18. Look for opportunities to affirm, encourage, and demonstrate understanding. 19. Keep their attention. 20. Ask sincere questions. 21. Get involved in their issues, concerns, problems, thoughts, sins, feelings, etc., and then react in love with proper facial expressions. 22. Don t change the issue Stay on point. 23. Find out more about how and why they feel a certain way. 24. Always provide a Scriptural/Biblical response. 25. Your words should be Spirit-led (Spirit guided). 26. Share Scriptures, illustrations, Biblical examples, and personal experiences. 27. Provide homework. 28. Clarify instructions. Note: This process continues until the Counselor is led to close the session. In the next topic, Listening, we will address how the Counselor relies upon the Holy Spirit and the Word of God to direct the session. 29. The closing prayer (alternatives). 30. The good-bye. Handshake or embrace??? 51

8 IV. THE BIBLICAL COUNSELOR AS LISTENER (Part A) DEFINITION TO LISTEN: 1. To pay attention in order to hear. 2. To make a conscious effort to hear. Remember To learn to listen effectively, you must be self-disciplined and willing to sacrifice your time and energy. Everybody hears some of us listen!! A. Becoming an Active Listener We can dramatically improve our listening skills by having a positive attitude toward listening and by becoming an active listener. A positive attitude is reflected in our desire, effort, and commitment toward listening. Desire to listen. Good Listening can t be faked!! To be a good listener, you must want to hear what people have to say. For a biblical counselor... listening opens the door to burden bearing!! Make an effort to listen. Although listening seems simple, it s not. It is actually a complex and challenging art. It means putting everything else out of your mind to concentrate on what someone is saying. Commit to listening. Human beings have an immense need to really be listened to, to be taken seriously, and to be understood. People who are committed to meeting this need must be willing and sensitive listeners. Proverbs 18:13 He who answers before listening that is his folly and his shame. We must practice listening before we earn the right to speak!! 52

9 B. To Whom Does the Biblical Counselor Listen? God? Jesus? Holy Spirit? The Word of God? The Counselee? Others? All of the Above? Answer: Discussion How does the Biblical Counselor hear each of the above? Answer: Both with our: Physical Ears Spiritual Senses Some Scriptural References: Listen to the Lord. Deuteronomy 30:19-20 Listen to His voice and hold fast to Him. Luke 10:39 Mary sat at the Lord s feet listening to what He said. John 10:27 My sheep listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me. Psalm 85:8 I will listen to what God the LORD will say; he promises peace to his people, his saints-but let them not return to folly. Listen to the Word. James 1:22-25 Listen to the Word and do what it says. Ecclesiastes 5:1 Guard your steps when you go to the house of God. Go near to listen. Nehemiah 8:2-3 Ezra the priest brought the Law before the assembly and all the people listened attentively Listen to the Others. 1 Kings 4:34 Men of all nations came to listen to Solomon s wisdom. Proverbs 1:5... Let the wise listen and add to their learning. Proverbs 12:15 A wise man listens to advice. Listen to the Holy Spirit. John 14:26 But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. 53

10 C. Guidelines for Active Listening Active listening is an art; it is more than just hearing. Whereas, hearing is physical, listening is psychological. It should not be a passive process. Many of us hear words, but miss their meaning. To break the habit, here are ten guidelines for active listening. Miracles occur when we listen to and love those persons who are not very lovable. 1. Determine your purpose for listening. 2. Discern the Counselee s purpose for speaking. 3. Hear the Counselee out noting details accurately. 4. Keep your eyes on you Counselee note their body language. 5. Create an atmosphere of acceptance. 6. Recognize the Counselee s main points and ideas. Note their transitional or signal word phrases. 7. Distinguish between new and old issues relevant and irrelevant statements fact and opinion (or exaggeration). 8. Force yourself to be interested. 9. Recognize the Counselee s bias, inference, and emotional appeal. 10. Listen to feelings, not just words. Note: By becoming an active listener, you will become a model for others (spouse, friends, children, co-workers, etc). Listeners make fewer mistakes than talkers!! 54

11 Week 4 Small Group Discussion Questions A man open in prayer, if possible. Allow everyone to share and keep the conversation on point. Introduce yourself and share why you are taking these classes. 1. What steps could you take to become more of an equipper and encourager in people s life? 2. What level of communication and dialogue are you presently at? What do you think it would take for you to become a level 1 dialoguer? 3. Are you a good listener? How could you become a better listener? 4. One of the men close with a prayer, if possible. 55