CD Eleven. So welcome back. You know, I am really glad you came back. This part of the

Transcription

1 So welcome back. You know, I am really glad you came back. This part of the work where we are working through the kinds of things that can absolutely block our dreams is actually the thing that sometimes blocks people, so good for you that you are hanging in here and you are coming down to these lessons and you are listening, and more than that I hope you are applying these things because you will absolutely begin to experience a whole new kind of energy. You will experience a feeling of liberation. You will start to have new ideas. Things will start being attracted to you, so this is an essential part of the work in having your dream have the nourishment of your mind. Your resources, your energy that's required to actually bring about your dream. So good job coming back In that last lesson we started thinking and considering the power of forgiveness, why we would forgive and who forgiveness is really for. And the truth is of course it's not for the other person, it is for ourselves. Betrayal is tough. Betrayal just stirs these strong feelings in us and it compels us to take a stand. How am I going to consider this, what am I going to do with this? Am I going to let this erode my 230

2 self esteem, my thoughts, my patterns, my plans? And we have to ask ourselves what is the stand I am going to take? Because here's the truth, it's all in the frame we bring to the experience. The difference between a victim s journey and a hero's journey is the frame we make around the experiences we have. A victim's journey is one story after another about what happened to them. A hero's journey is one story after another about how they transformed circumstances into empowerments So forgiveness is not something you do once and it is over. We forgive a bit at a time and remember forgiveness is to give for one perspective, a much higher order perspective. It changes the way we look at things because the way we look at things changes. So you might have been thinking ok you know I would like to forgive but if she only knew what happened to me...lot's of people can forgive but this particular thing, this is really tough. And frankly it might be tough. But I can promise you this, over the years of working with thousands and thousands of people there is hardly a story I haven't heard and what I know is the content of the story is malleable to the thinking that we bring to it. So no matter how horrific, how awful or how small it is the thing that just bugs you or hurts you or whenever you think of it you just feel this constriction, the opportunity here is 231

3 that you really can bring the power of forgiveness to that circumstance. It does not change your past but it not only changes your present, it absolutely transforms your future I had a wonderful mentor once. His name was Jack Boland. He was a phenomenal speaker and teacher and business leader. His work was in the Detroit, Michigan area. Many of the friends I have, Wayne Dyer, Bob Proctor and others, knew Jack as well. He had made a big difference in their lives as well. So Jack one time was asking me about something I wanted to create and he said do you believe you can do this? I said 'well I am not sure.' and he said 'Mary, I am absolutely convinced you can do this. Now believe in my belief.' and I made a choice to do that, that believing in his belief really helped me transform my thinking about what was possible. He was wise; he was a spiritual man, Jack Boland. But that wisdom did not just drop down on him. This kind, benevolent, compassionate guy became who he was in part because of how much he had had difficulty and then overcame that difficulty There was a guy in his life, a former brother-in-law that through the circumstances of their life and some real tough things that the brother-in-law had 232

4 done, earlier in his life Jack had just developed this loathing for his former brother-in-law. He despised him. Jack told me when he was telling me this story the transformation he said 'Everybody I told about the things this guy had done to me, they totally agreed. I mean, this guy was a real jerk. All I had to do was tell the story and I could get anybody to say oh my gosh, is that really what happened to you? That's horrible.' Now what we find in forgiveness is sometimes, you know, hey I don't want to give up my victim story because as long as I hang on to my victim story I can get anybody I want to agree with me how awful it's been for me. There's this kind of odd support and almost an odd good feeling in having a group of people, almost anybody you want to talk to about it just go oh my gosh you've really had it rough! Isn t' it horrible that that thing happened to you! You actually have positive reinforcement then for keeping your story. So Jack said that he told his story so many times and so many people validated that story about how awful it was that ultimately he had to come to a different spot inside his own mind and he realized that this particular part of his life and his version of it and his story about it was actually holding him back from all he could be

5 So every time he thought about the brother-in-law, even though Jack's sister and the man had long since divorced, the pain and the problems persisted not for them but for Jack. As he moved into a larger expression of his life, as he began to want to build great dreams in his life, he said that he moved in to practicing the principles for living; the laws of life that were in accord with, in alliance with, in harmony with the laws of abundance, the laws of happiness and he ultimately had to say to himself I am going to have to forgive this. Not because the former brother-in-law deserves it but because I want the liberation. But Jack had no idea how to forgive it. That really may be where you are right now. I know it's at times where I have been, where something happened and you just don't know how to let it go So Jack told me as he told me the story, he said that he had heard about a possibility that you could actually visualize that person in your mind and then shower that image with love and that over time, he was told, the toxic thoughts recede, the hurt melts in the presence of this love and he thought ok great. I am going to do that. So he would visualize the brother-in-law and he would think about love and wait for that loving feeling to well up in his heart and then he would see his brother-in-law's nasty conniving little face and boom there went 234

6 the love. He just couldn't feel love in the presence of the image of the brother-inlaw and he was being very honest about that. I appreciated that. So back came the resentment. Whenever he imaged his brother-in-law, he did not experience love. He imaged the brother-in-law and he would have resentment and contraction and so that particular technique was not helpful for him So Jack really did want to forgive and over time he found a way to do that. Because what he began to recognize that whenever he held images of people he really did love, like his son, when he would imagine his son as a little boy he just has nothing but this overwhelming free flowing feeling of love and as that love would begin to be generated in his heart and as he would amplify the feeling of the love he would then slip into his mind the image of the former brother-in-law. Immediately of course there would be a contraction and a de-amplification of the frequency of love. But he found over time that bringing the brother-in-law's picture in his mind into a field of already generating love, it became easier Of course, the goal was that any time he would get the picture of the brother-in- law in his mind he would feel a well-wishing. He wasn't asking of himself that he would love that brother-in-law, like I'm so happy and grateful to have this man in 235

7 my life, but he wanted to neutralize the toxicity because he knew that toxicity was not in the brother-in-law anymore. It was in him. He was the one who was carrying that. He was the one who was generating it and that energy that it takes actually to hold the toxicity and keep that going even when it's outside your conscious awareness is energy that can't be directed towards your dream So when you think about your mind as a computer, what's on the desktop remember is what you are conscious of. What's in your files is what is in the subconscious mind. You are not aware of it but it's there. If you have a hard drive that has only a certain amount of storage you have a certain amount of energy you can direct. So if you are holding a big file full of resentment, that space is not available to be used to create goal sheets and all kinds of things that could be used for your dream. Now essentially it's a similar kind of thing. When you are holding that frequency of resentment, hurt, betrayal, you get others to agree with you--that frequency is not in harmony with the dream you are wanting to have. So this is about shifting a frequency. It's about releasing the energy that could actually thwart or delay and make difficult your dream

8 So here's what Jack did. Over time he found, instead of thinking of the brotherin-law he would think about his son; think about the toothless grin, the freckles on his face and this energy and love that had been in his heart would just expand. Then at the last second he would slip an image of the brother-in-law's face in and that loving energy of course would contract but it wouldn't go away. As he continued to practice this he said it was the most amazing thing. Even the shape of the brother-in-law's face began to look different to him. Instead of seeing him through the lens of his own stored resentment, he began to see the brother-in-law differently. It completely amazed Jack and there came a point when he began to see the image of his brother-in-law as a little boy. A little boy like his son Oscar Wilde once said the only sane person I know, the only sane person I know is my tailor. He measures me anew every time he sees me. Jack realized that he was measuring this man, his former brother-in-law, by his past experience with him, and as he would hold the image of his own son and have this expanded heart and this feeling of love over time he slipped his brother-in-law's face in that imagery and he began to be able to maintain that energy and that feeling. This was not something that happened for Jack rapidly, like in a week, but he stayed with it. It was just a moment a day. It just took a few minutes a day and it 237

9 happened over months, because this was like one of those archetypal; one of those major things that had stayed with him as a hurt He said that he knew the healing was complete when one day he was driving through town as he often did and he stopped at a stop light and this new Cadillac pulled up right next to him. He said at first he admired the car and then he looked at the driver and the driver was actually his former brother-in-law. All of a sudden what he felt, Jack told me what he felt when he saw his brother-in-law in this brand new Cadillac was I'm glad for him. He said it was just a knee jerk reaction. He didn't have to generate that. He didn't make himself think that. He just thought good, he's doing well. I am glad for him. He was amazed at himself and he knew that he had liberated himself and no longer did that man have the right to control his life, Jack's life, because of the previous relationship and the previous behaviors. Jack was completely free There's a Hindu word called Namaste. Sometimes it's namascar. But it's a word that has been used for centuries in India. What the word really means is the light in me, the spirit in me. The light in me or spirit in me recognizes and honors the light or the spirit in you. Does it mean I like everything about your personality, or 238

10 not that you need to like everything about everybody's personality, but it's a way of seeing that's different. It's a way of holding the recognition of each other as spiritual beings in a human experience and remembering that. The light in me recognizes and honors the light in you. It's a way of saying I can actually see, receive and really honor that presence and that light in you. When I am in that place in me and you are in that place in you, there is really only one of us here. We are in this one presence, one power, one life. You and I live and move and have our being in it. So does everyone else. We are all part of this quantum field; Sheldrake's morphogenic field, it's all one presence, one life So forgiveness then, moves me from separation into connection. It moves me from littleness into greatness. So you and I are not going to build a great dream by living littleness, keeping a small minded idea or experience about anything. Namaste. Every one of us here is either expressing love or calling for love no matter how unskillful our behavior is at the moment we are calling for love. In this practice of forgiveness we come to recognize that every single one of us does not know the whole story that's behind the acts that are difficult for us to forgive

11 So let's say that I am the one who needs to forgive and I am needing to forgive because I am the one who is feeling contracted energy. I am feeling less alive in the relationship. Whenever I think of this person my energy goes down. I feel contracted. So what can I do? One time I went to a grocery store. You know, I do it all the time but this particular time was really life-changing for me. A simple thing, I had a shopping cart full of groceries. The woman at the checkout counter overcharged me for one item by three dollars. I told her, but I thought very politely. I said 'You know, that item is not that much. It's this much.' and with an exasperated sigh she took the item out of the bag, she slammed it on the counter, she pulled out the register tape and made this huge production of changing the money, just refunding that little bit of money. Then she was stomping around and she was really rude. I kept thinking well this was her mistake, it's not mine. I started judging her, projecting on her...you know, what an awful woman or my gosh she shouldn't be working here. She shouldn't treat people like this. This was like twenty-five years ago but this is the number I am running inside; this store should hire people who are more polite to their customers if they want their customers to come back

12 So there was a young man who was helping bag my groceries and then he rolled my cart out to the car. While he was helping me put the groceries in my trunk I gossiped. I said to him 'I think that was one of the rudest checkers I've ever experienced. She was like rude.' The kid said to me 'Oh I know. She's having such a hard day. Yesterday her only son was riding a bike and he got hit by a car. He's in the hospital. She's a single mom. She is working today because I know she has to have the money, but I know she is really, really worried about him.' Immediately my anger dissolved. My resentment was gone and that selfrighteous feeling, like she's the one who screwed up not me, that just vanished. Now, I remember driving away and thinking ok what just happened there, because I went from anger to compassion in a flash once I knew the story. I remember asking myself so if knowing the whole story, the natural result of knowing the whole story behind behaviors that are unskillful--if the natural result of knowing the whole story is compassion then is it possible to just move to compassion in the absence of knowing the whole story? Knowing that if I did know the whole story I would naturally feel compassion So let me say that one more time, because what happened for me is I began to recognize that's true. If in fact knowing the whole story, the natural response is 241

13 compassion because I believe that for every one of us. In every one of us is innate goodness. Now learning how to generate the feeling tone that is harmonious with that innate goodness of course requires how we use our minds. But as I was driving home I thought ok if the natural response to knowing the whole story in the presence of unskillful behavior is compassion then is it possible to feel compassion in the absence of knowing the whole story. Yes it is, by how we think And so I began to practice that. When I would find myself in judgment or--this was a pattern for me at the time. Something would happen and I would bring judgment to my mind. I'd feel reactive. I would feel righteous and that wasn't the greatest life but I felt justified in that. It's sort of a common response and more than that it was how I was patterned. It was how I was taught to me. My parents, who were doing the very best they knew how and that's how they were taught and how most of the world responds. But it wasn't liberating and it wasn't freeing and it wasn't the higher vibration that actually gives rise to an understanding that we are in a sea of abundance. So I just made a decision. I made a decision that when something happened that was unskillful, whether it was myself or someone else's, whether there was any understanding about what had happened, that I would remind myself that if I knew the whole story I would feel compassion. So in the 242

14 absence of knowing that story I am going to assume the positive intent of the other person even though I have no way of understanding how what they just did is in alignment with something that seems positive to them or something that seems appropriate to them given their circumstance. Nevertheless I am going to have compassion for them and wish them well I began to practice that. It wasn't always easy, but I began to notice little by little that my life began to move in a different arc. You know, I could track over a couple of years the growth, the expansion, the opportunities, new friendships, all kinds of things began to demonstrate themselves in my life that were in harmony with the patterns of greater compassion and greater aliveness and more fluidity in my life I heard a story once about a young woman walking through a marketplace and someone just whacks her on the head with an umbrella. She just turns around in rage. How dare you hit me with that umbrella?! And then what she sees behind her is a blind man who is trying to find his way. Upon seeing that the one who has just struck her is blind, she is just filled with compassion. That's just another example of what we are talking about here, is that in essence at times we are all 243

15 blind. We are blind to how our behavior might affect someone else. We are blind to our own misunderstandings about things. So we can choose just naturally to have a response called compassion. I'm not saying you don't have to exercise that thinking muscle and you don't have to exercise that freedom to choose that response that brings a feeling tone. But I am saying that if you will exercise that you will find yourself happier. You will find yourself more creative. You will find yourself on a whole different track So forgiveness, again, is not something we are just going to do once and then it's over. It's a way of being. It's kind of like you wouldn't take a shower once and that's it. Ok I took a shower. I'm done. This is a kind of mental, emotional cleaning that we do on a regular basis. Just like abundance is a way of being, scarcity of a way of being, resentment can be a way of being. So you and I choose. Forgiveness, a way of repatterning what we are seeing so that it's in harmony with a feeling of release, recognition, understanding, compassion; that I choose to think this way I don't have to be around someone who continues to be in patterns that I have to practice forgiveness with nor will I carry them around like a lead weight, you 244

16 know a ball and chain, in my life. I am going to set that Harry down. I am not going to carry that. Now a rude checker or a whack on the head with the umbrella are ultimately not hard things to forgive. Even the little stuff can dampen our aliveness (So) until we make forgiveness just a part of our way of being So we can remind ourselves that the difficult moment will pass but it's the accumulation of these little resentments that ultimately determine the person we become. And you are in this course and you are doing this work because you have made a decision for yourself that you want to be a person who has dreams coming true on a regular, repeated ever upward spiraling experience A number of years ago I went to the Human Unity Conference in New Delhi, India. A number of the delegates had the opportunity for us to have a private audience with the Dalai Lama. So the Dalai Lama took us to this chapel to meditate and to pray. It's a B'hai(?) temple. It's marble and there are I believe nine lotus petals. Inside each one of those lotus petals is an altar and seven of them are to the world's major religions, one to the lesser known religions and one altar is to all the religions yet to come

17 So the Dalai Lama, he is just an amazing being. He has been ousted from his country over forty years ago and the Chinese government has systematically over those years sought to decimate the structure of the Tibetan government and their culture in Tibet. Again, there are things we do not understand. But nevertheless, the Dalai Lama's many, many thousands of his people have evacuated and left the country, left their homes. All the temples have been destroyed. And many, many of those people that are still in Tibet, some of them have been killed or executed or imprisoned for refusing to refrain from public exhibition of their Tibetan faith which simply is a way of walking down the street say Om Mani Padme Hum which is the equivalent of you or I walking down the street of the city we live in and saying Our Father who art in heaven Very, very difficult, and yet this man--this amazing being--he generates compassion. He exudes happiness. It's not that he is not vigorous and works diligently to help his people, to speak to the world, to initiate ways of doing things that could actually return Tibet to the Tibetan people, but he has refused to let that experience dominate his daily awareness or his daily happiness and it's a great exercise. Later, following this Human Unity Conference, years later I would have the opportunity to sit three times next to him for five days at a time while we 246

18 conducted conversations with world leaders. I remember asking him how do you do this Just to be in his presence--i remember reading scripture one time where the woman just wanted to touch the hem of the garment of Jesus, knowing that if she could just get that close to that kind of energy it would change her. That's how I felt being around the Dalai Lama, is like just an amazing transformation of just seeing how he does his daily life. The quickness of humor, the brightness of wit, the keen intelligence and the way he is So when asking him how do you do this, he said 'Every one of us has friends. Friends easy to love. Friends make mistake, even easy to forgive. Then we have what we call sacred friends. Oh, sacred friends. Very difficult forgive. Very, very difficult.' He said 'Chinese government, my sacred friend. I would never have developed heart I have developed, compassionate heart absent Chinese government. Chinese government make so difficult to forgive that I had to get very, very big heart and have to keep very, very big heart and it's a big challenge.'

19 But I will tell you, for the Dalai Lama--the Chinese government, you have a different sacred friend. You may have several sacred friends. If you can hold the possibility that rather than blaming the sacred friend, regretting the sacred friend, trying to eliminate the sacred friend, holding resentment for the rest of your life for the sacred, if you use the sacred friend as a transformative agent you will find a similar kind of thing. You will find--and I know this personally, for myself. I know it for so many people that over the years have made a decision for themselves--that you absolutely will find on the other side of this no matter what the crime, no matter what difficulty, no matter what the hurt you will find a way of being that you will look back not giving thanks for the actions but you will give thanks because of your good practice of the spiritual principles you will give thanks for where this has taken you. You may not wish the experience on anybody else, but you would wish where it took you on everybody else So in the Lotus Temple in New Delhi, the Dalai Lama taught us a meditation called the loving kindness meditation. He said begin with yourself. Begin with you. He says then says may I be truly happy. May I live in peace. May I live in love. May I know the power of forgiveness. May I live in recognition that my life has deep meaning, good purpose. Hold that for yourself. May I be truly happy. 248

20 May I live in peace. May I live in love. May I know the power of forgiveness. May I live in recognition that my life has deep meaning, good purpose. Then you add your close family that you love. May--and put the name of someone you deeply love; your child, your spouse, your parent, a friend. Someone you deeply love-- may they be truly happy. May they live in peace. May they live in love. May they know the power of forgiveness. May they live in recognition that their life has deep meaning and good purpose So you can change the words, but basically you are wishing for them that they live in love, that they live in happiness, that they live in joy, that they live in the recognition of the understanding that there's more to them than they know and that they can live in meaning and purpose. And whatever you pray that is loving kindness, in whatever words you use bring loving kindness for yourself and the people you love and care about. Then you extend the field a little wider and you bring into that field some of the people with whom you've had difficulty. Maybe particularly someone or some circumstance that has been difficult for you. It takes a time of practice to be able to sustain and hold the frequency of that loving kindness in the presence of someone you still have regret or resentment with. But you can over time. 249

21 So you keep directing this energy of loving kindness to the particular person or the particular circumstance that's been difficult to release and you are going to actually see a shift in that energy. You are going to actually see the shift that will be such that there is a peace that you will start to feel and that peace will be a gift to you and that gift will take the form that you will have more access to the understanding and the awareness and abundance that supports your dream. So remember, forgiveness is something you are doing for yourself. This loving kindness practice is used throughout the Buddhist community. It's not really different than some of the practices we find in our Christian faith or our Jewish traditions. It's a way of transforming the mind so that we are liberated, so that we are free, so that we are not toxic. So it's actually interestingly the loving kindness practice is a form of forgiveness work. It actually creates a magnetic field in which all good is available to you. You may not understand that yet but I am just inviting you to practice it and try it on for yourself So let me share one last story on the power of forgiveness. It's a true story. A guy I knew named Al. Al was a biker in his youth. He was a guy who got involved in some heavy dark dealings. He was involved in drugs and stealing cars and doing 250

22 all kinds of stuff and he ended up spending some time in jail. If there was a problem, Al solved it by physical violence. I think he spent two or three years in prison. While he was there he decided either I keep doing what I've done and keep getting what I have gotten or I am going to change my life. So he started attending some of the AA meetings in prison and something really magnificent happened for him. He had a spiritual experience. He began to be aware of a Presence that is with all of us, but most of us are not really aware of that Presence, this life that and a sense of companionship in this. So Al began to be aware of this So he got out of prison and he began to change his life. Ultimately he would meet a young woman, they would fall in love and they deeply loved each other. They got married. Everything went really well for about twelve years, when things began to change. Then over the next couple of years there were more difficulties and more difficulties and then at their fourteenth year of marriage they separated. Now Al wanted very much to get back with his wife and he was doing everything he could to kind of entice her back into the relationship and she said I am not coming back. The marriage is over. But he believed he could win her back and he confided his feelings in his best friend Bruce. 251

23 Bruce listened to him and was comforting and consoling, but this went on for nine months where Al's talking to Bruce and Al's former wife was saying no I'm done, but Al keeps hoping and hoping and Bruce is being a confidant and consoling. Then one day Al finds out that all this while Bruce has been having an affair with his wife. Al was just beside himself. He was livid. He was so angry, so hurt. This rage came over him and all he wanted to do in that old pattern was just revert to his old behavior and go take Bruce out you know, hammer him hard But he decided to come and see me and to come and ask for some help and that's really a part of forgiveness also. The human part of us looks at a circumstance and separates everything into good or bad, right or wrong. This human part of us wants to feel resentful. But there's another part of us, our spirit and it's connected to the power that is the source of all life, all life in this universe; the universe itself as living. And when you look at all the people who have affected long lasting durable forgiveness, what they have in common is that they have not done it alone. They knew that there was this inherent divine quality and that as they made contact with that part of themselves it empowered them to do something extraordinary. So when you ask for help you are asking this higher part of 252

24 yourself to help you see things differently. You are saying I really do want to see this differently and you are invoking an awareness that is here for you, for me, but outside the frequency that is constricted by these thoughts of blame, attack, wanting to get back, get revenge So even though Al felt so betrayed at a human level, all he wanted to do was get Bruce, take Bruce out. He decided to ask for help and in saying I can't do this I have to find a different way around this, the thought came that he could come and talk to me, which he did. In listening to his story I said you know Al, there is really only one way out of this and he said what and I said you are going to have to forgive Bruce. Forgive that S.O.B?? I'm not going to forgive that S.O.B! I want to take that S.O.B out! I mean he really felt that of course. I said well you are the one who will be not only in a physical prison should you do this but even if you do a lesser version of this you are going to be in a mental prison. It's your choice. How am I going to forgive him?? That *&#($! You've got to understand, I mean this was a best friend. It was a betrayal and of course at this point he begins to discover that for the two years that things were waning between Al and his wife, Bruce and the wife had been flirting, doing all 253

25 kinds of things. I mean, Al was just devastated and that's a very human response. That's not--any of us would have to work through some of these feelings. The point isn't did Al have an authentic response to that kind of betrayal. Of course. But to be stuck in that is not liberating and if you look in the lives of all the great people, Jesus of Nazareth Himself, you will find the element of betrayal. Betrayal is part of every great hero s journey. It's not the betrayal. It's what you do with the betrayal. Is the betrayal a defining moment because it will define what you do and what you do will define the direction your life will take And this was Al's defining moment. So I said look here's what you've got to do. If you are going to choose forgiveness-you are either going to choose to go into a mental prison or a physical prison or you are going to choose forgiveness. If you want to forgive then here's how you can do it. I said Al you've got to pray for Bruce. Pray for that S.O.B.? I'm not going to pray for that S.O.B! All I want to do is hurt him! I said I understand that but you still have to pray. Your feelings will change as you do really good thinking about this. So you can begin the prayer any way you want to but ultimately you want to spend at least a little time, even though you won't feel like it, is just wish him well. Wish that S.O.B well?...and I said just try it. Just spend a few minutes a day and think of him and say I wish 254

26 you well. I hope things go well for you. That same kind of practice with the loving kindness practice. So I said you can begin the prayer any way you want to Al, but wish him well. That's what you need to do. Just try it on. See what happens So I said Al you can begin the prayer any way you want to but here's the deal, pray for his wellness. Pray for his happiness. Pray for his wellbeing because that's the energy you want to be living in. You can start the prayer any way you want to. So as Al began praying he was thinking ok I can pray any way I want to, and he left He came back a couple of weeks later and I didn't know what the content of his life was. I didn't know if he had talked to his wife or Bruce or what had happened. But I knew Al was better. You could just see it all over him. The rage that was pouring out of him had evaporated and he was in a whole different state of being. When we sat down I said how are you doing? He said you know I'm doing better. I said well what happened. He said well I took you at your word. You said I could begin the prayer any way I wanted to and so I did pray for him but here's how I began the prayer. God, if a truck doesn't smash him flat first may Bruce be happy and do well. Then I began to think if a train doesn't run him over and cut off his 255

27 legs, and I actually imaged that, then I would think ok well maybe he can be happy and do well. He said the energy of course was on the harm that would happen to Bruce but he would always add in the end maybe he would be happy and maybe he could do well He said the oddest thing happened. After maybe eight or ten days of doing this the thought actually occurred to me when I said maybe he could be happy and do well...i really did probably want that for him. He had been my best friend and there were a lot of traits in him that I respected and things about him that I had liked--not the fact that he and my wife had been dishonest with me--but if I really loved her did I not want her to be happy? He was my friend. If something was going on between the two of them, even though it hurt me ultimately people you care about...don't you want them to be happy? He said it began to change for him. He said the hurt isn't gone and I'm going to have to find a new life. I'm going to have to find my way and I am not quite sure how to do that now but the sting and the horrible feeling and the wanting to go take him out is gone. I don't have those feelings anymore

28 And you could just hear and feel the transformation that occurred in a relatively short time in the presence of a very large betrayal. Now, over the next few years Al's life would go on a whole new arc. Ultimately he would meet a woman that was so suited for him and he for her and I got to perform that wedding. But I knew as I stood there performing that wedding, and the look of love, the palpability of their love together, their feeling together, the group that was gathered celebrating this union. Al would never have been able to have this experience if he had carried the resentment, the blame and the victimhood forward. It would have tainted, it would have made toxic every new relationship he had tried to start up. So remember, forgiveness is not for the other person. It's for you So I want to suggest that every single one of us consider that we really, each one of us. have some forgiveness work to do. It's a daily practice where you can just consider what do I need to release? What would be good to let go of? Something will occur to you. It might be something little. It might be something big. It doesn't matter what occurs to you but you just make a decision that no matter what the circumstance, no matter what the situation, no matter what happened you begin to generate that loving kindness. You wish well for yourself and 257

29 forgiveness of self begins to become part of your daily practice. You are in a human experience. You are going to do things. You are going to say things. You are going to regret things. That's part of our learning process for every single one of us So to be gentle with ourselves, internally to be a soft place to fall. That when you fall down it's a soft place inside yourself instead of this rigid, ridiculing, blaming, accusatory internal dialogue. That you become a soft place to fall for yourself and when there are amends to make and retributions to do you do them quickly. You say you're sorry. And if you can do it over again, do it over again but you take the learning and you don't keep repeating the same mistakes. So you can be a soft place to fall. You can also provide a soft place to fall for other people that are in your life. And when someone does something, something happens that it is just one of those keynote betrayals, one of those things that absolutely are so difficult we can be heartened by the words of the Dalai Lama that sacred friends give us the opportunity to expand our hearts and from an expanded heart that becomes the place we can have an expanded life. This is true. Try it on. 258