REDEEMED FROM BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS

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1 GET INTO THE STUDY 10 minutes GUIDE: Direct the group to look at the picture (PSG, p. 92). DISCUSS: Question #1 (PSG, p. 92): What s a silly argument you had when you were a kid? GUIDE: Call attention to The Bible Meets Life (PSG, p. 93). Note that it can be easy for friends or family members to drift apart. Sometimes the cause is physical distance, and sometimes it s because someone said something or did something that caused a break. How do we restore what once was? Introduce The Point (PSG, p. 93): Showing humility is critical to restoring relationships. SAY: Relationships are damaged when both parties are not looking out for each other. Jacob and Esau can help us see how restoration is possible even after a long time of hostility. SESSION 8 REDEEMED FROM BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS The Point Showing humility is critical to restoring relationships. The Bible Meets Life We don t always get our own way in a relationship. A person who feels like he is continually getting the short end of the stick can develop ill feelings toward the other person. Relationships are damaged when both parties are not looking out for each other. The relationship between Jacob and Esau is a prime example of this, but they also offer us an example of what happens when humility becomes a part of the relationship. The Passage Genesis 27:41; 33:1-11 The Setting The twin brothers Jacob and Esau had been in conflict with each other since before they were born (Gen. 25:19-26). Jacob convinced Esau to trade his birthright to Jacob for bread and a bowl of lentil stew (vv ). The struggle between the brothers climaxed when Jacob, with the aid of his mother, tricked his father into giving him the blessing of the firstborn son meant for Esau. Fearing Esau would murder Jacob, Rebekah arranged for Jacob to live with her brother Laban in her homeland of Haran, where he remained for 20 years (27:1 31:55). After that time, Jacob returned home with his family, uncertain as to the reception he would receive from his brother. 96 Session 8

2 Genesis 27:41 41 Esau held a grudge against Jacob because of the blessing his father had given him. And Esau determined in his heart: The days of mourning for my father are approaching; then I will kill my brother Jacob. KEY WORDS: The blessing (v. 41) The family patriarch called upon God to grant abundance, health, wealth, wisdom, and descendants to his son. Isaac s blessing of Jacob passed on God s blessing of Abraham (Gen. 12:2-3). Self-centeredness can destroy relationships. 1 At age 175, the patriarch Abraham died, old and contented (Gen. 25:7 8). Isaac (Abraham s son) and Isaac s wife Rebekah had no children, so Isaac interceded with God on his wife s behalf. She conceived and was carrying twins. They were active in her womb, and she asked God what was happening. God answered that two peoples (or nations) would come from the twins, and the firstborn would serve the younger. When she delivered, the first son out of the womb was hairy and had a reddish complexion. The parents named him Esau. The second twin exited the womb with a firm grasp on his brother s heel. They named him Jacob to reflect his holding on to his brother (vv ). Esau grew up to be an outdoors man, and Jacob a homebody. On one occasion, Esau returned from a hunting foray, weak with hunger. Jacob had prepared stew, and Esau asked for some of it. Jacob replied he would trade a meal of stew for Esau s birthright. As the firstborn son, Esau would inherit a double portion of his father Isaac s estate. Also, legal extension of the family line may have gone through him. When Esau agreed to the deal with Jacob, he forfeited the firstborn s privileges (vv ). Esau despised his birthright (v. 34). The Hebrew term for despised has the meaning of failing to value properly, and can have a range in meaning from neglect to utter contempt for a person or thing. In time, Isaac s eyesight began to fail him. Apparently believing himself to be near the point of death, Isaac called for Esau to go hunting, kill game, prepare a meal, and bring the food to his father. At that time, Isaac would bestow his blessing on his eldest son (27:1 4). Through this blessing, the family patriarch would call upon God to grant abundance, health, descendants, wealth, and wisdom to his eldest son. STUDY THE BIBLE Genesis 27:41 10 minutes GUIDE: Before reading the focal passage, use the Bible commentary 1 to set the historical context for the conflict between Jacob and Esau. Reference the Digging Deeper article on Birthright (PSG, p. 95) to enhance the group s understanding of what Jacob coveted and what Esau sacrificed for a bowl of stew. READ: Invite a volunteer to read Genesis 27:41. GUIDE: Note that Jacob and Esau were adults when the break occurred in their relationship. State that the issues involved were extremely important in the culture in which they lived. Acknowledge that our relationship problems rarely result in one of the parties involved vowing to kill the other. But we often feel similar anger and hurt. SUGGESTED USE WEEK OF APRIL 24 97

3 THE POINT Showing humility is critical to restoring relationships. IN ADVANCE, gather some items to represent things than cause breaks in our relationships. For example: > > A piece of jewelry may represent an argument over a parent s cherished possession. > > An envelope or a phone may represent some hurtful words. > > A picture of a child may represent hurt feelings because children rarely call or visit. Use this time to help the group acknowledge that real life involves dealing with anger and hurt. DISCUSS: Question #2 (PSG, p. 95): What is appealing about holding a grudge? (Alternate: In what ways could Jacob and Esau both rationalize their actions?) TRANSITION: Selfcenteredness can destroy relationships, but displaying humility can rebuild what was broken. 98 Session 8 Rebekah, Isaac s wife, overheard his words to Esau. Hurriedly, she devised a scheme to deceive Isaac and obtain the blessing for Jacob. She prepared a meal and disguised Jacob so Isaac would think he was Esau (vv. 5-17). When Isaac became convinced he was talking with his firstborn son Esau, he blessed Jacob. Isaac s blessing of Jacob involved two parts: that Jacob would (1) receive abundance and prosperity from the land (v. 28) and (2) have preeminence among his people and among the nations. Blessings and curses would be based upon how the people and nations treated Jacob (v. 29). Jacob s blessing echoed the blessing that God pronounced on Abraham when He called Abraham out of his homeland to travel to Canaan (12:1-3), which God reaffirmed to Isaac (26:2-5). Isaac s blessing made Jacob master over his brother. Soon after, Esau arrived with a meal for Isaac and anticipated receiving the blessing. Isaac realized he had been deceived into blessing Jacob. Esau appealed to his father for his blessing but Isaac could only give him a secondary, lesser blessing (27:30-40). Verse 41. Self-centeredness can destroy relationships. Esau was infuriated by Rebekah and Jacob s deception resulting in their stealing the blessing that rightfully belonged to him. Esau had determined to avenge himself and stoked the fires of his anger in his heart. As the firstborn son, his father s blessing was rightfully Esau s and was extremely important and valuable; apparently, important enough to Esau that he would kill for it. Evidently, Esau voiced his intention, because his words reached Rebekah (see v. 42). Out of respect for Isaac, Esau had planned to delay his vengeance. After the mourning period following his father s death, Esau would kill his brother Jacob. 2 As events unfolded, Jacob would spend 20 years at a safe distance from his brother (see 31:41), and Isaac may have lived more than 40 years after the deception concerning the blessing. Esau would have a long wait. After those 20 years, Jacob returned with his family and his possessions. In preparation to meet Esau, Jacob sent messengers ahead to announce his approach. The messengers returned with the news that Esau and 400 of his men were coming to meet Jacob. Alarmed, Jacob took steps to ensure that at least part of his group would escape if Esau attacked. Jacob reminded God of His earlier covenant and humbled himself, asking for God s deliverance from his brother. Then he gathered a sizable number of animals as

4 a gift for Esau and sent the animals ahead with his slaves in the hope the gift might appease Esau. After sending his wives and children across the Jabbok River, Jacob lingered on the other side of the river, where he wrestled all night with a messenger of God and received a dislocated hip, a change of name, and a blessing (32:1 32). STUDY THE BIBLE Genesis 33:1-4 5 minutes Genesis 33:1-4 1 Now Jacob looked up and saw Esau coming toward him with 400 men. So he divided the children among Leah, Rachel, and the two female slaves. 2 He put the female slaves and their children first, Leah and her children next, and Rachel and Joseph last. 3 He himself went on ahead and bowed to the ground seven times until he approached his brother. 4 But Esau ran to meet him, hugged him, threw his arms around him, and kissed him. Then they wept. KEY WORDS: Seven times (v. 3) In the ancient world, bowing was the established, proper ceremonial approach by subjects to their rulers or superiors. Bowing seven times expressed extreme courtesy and deep respect. Displaying humility can rebuild relationships. Verse 1. After Jacob s long night of wrestling with God s messenger, a new day s light brought a daunting sight: Jacob saw Esau coming toward him with 400 men. Jacob s moment of truth had arrived. He had taken advantage of his brother to get Esau s birthright, and he had implemented his mother s scheme to steal Esau s blessing. Had Esau nurtured a grudge for the 20 years they had been apart? Would Esau exact the revenge he long ago had vowed to take? Jacob was anxious, perhaps more for the people with him than for himself; and he was powerless to defend himself and them. He literally was at Esau s mercy. Jacob s first move to cope with a possible attack was to divide the children among Leah, Rachel, and the two female slaves. SUMMARIZE: Use the Bible commentary 2 to help set the stage for the next meeting between Jacob and Esau. (See p. 98.) READ: Invite a volunteer to read Genesis 33:1-4. GUIDE: Direct attention to the map on PSG page 97. As they relate to this session specifically, note the following locations: 1) Beersheba, where Jacob tricked Esau into giving up his birthright; 2) Esau s route from Edom to encounter Jacob; 3) Near Penuel, where Jacob and Esau were reunited. Verse 2. Jacob took steps to give at least some of the women and children with him the opportunity to escape should 99

5 THE POINT Showing humility is critical to restoring relationships. GUIDE: Call attention to verse 3. Using the Bible commentary 3, explain the significance of Jacob s bowing seven times as he approached Esau. Stress that without the posture of humility, no possibility for reconciliation between the brothers existed. DISCUSS: Question #3 (PSG, p. 98): What obstacles hinder you from demonstrating humility? (Alternate: What strikes you about Jacob s and Esau s behavior?) TRANSITION: In the face of an offender s humility, how do we respond? With forgiveness, of course. 100 Session 8 Esau attack. Jacob s placement of the women and children with him likely indicated the levels of his affection for them. His beloved Rachel and their son Joseph, first in his sense of priority, were placed as far back as possible so they would have a chance to escape if an attack began. The female slaves (concubine wives) and their children were in the front of the line, followed by Leah and her children. Their loss most likely would have been catastrophic to Jacob, but not as devastating as the loss of Rachel and Joseph. Verse 3. After arranging the order of the women and children, Jacob went on ahead to meet Esau. Evidently Jacob s name change to Israel was not the only positive effect of his wrestling with God s messenger the previous night. Earlier, he had sent messengers ahead to alert Esau that he was approaching (32:3 8). Later, he sent slaves ahead with a large gift of animals (vv ). In the moment of crisis, however, he courageously walked out ahead of his family to meet Esau. 3 As he approached Esau, Jacob bowed to the ground seven times. The scene was dramatic. Jacob bowed deeply, continued to approach Esau, and bowed again. Bowing in the ancient world was a practice of respect done by an inferior in recognition of his superior. Recovered ancient records reveal that such homage was given by vassal princes to the Egyptian pharaoh. Thus, Jacob was acknowledging Esau as his superior. Bowing seven times increased the honor and recognition given to the superior. It was an expression of extreme courtesy and deep respect. By his seventh bow, Jacob had closed the distance between himself and Esau. Verse 4. In contrast to Jacob s formalities, Esau ran to meet Jacob. Esau hugged his brother and kissed him. The hug and kiss expressed Esau s genuine affection for Jacob. Then both brothers wept. Esau may have wept out of joy at seeing his brother; Jacob may have wept out of relief and joy. Esau forgave Jacob. One definition of mercy is a person s foregoing vengeance when he or she has the upper hand and can exact it. Esau easily could have taken his revenge but chose to extend mercy. I am convinced that over time, Esau moved past his bitterness and desire for revenge. Most likely, God worked to change him and had probably done so through the natural, human progression resulting in forgiveness. However it occurred, Esau s attitude toward Jacob had altered radically.

6 God can and does forgive repentant people immediately. For us, however, I believe forgiving others is a process. The first step is to move past a determination to get even (or more). A second step is to let go of the pain that has been inflicted and the resultant lingering resentment to reach a point where memory does not generate emotion. The final step is reconciliation of some degree. Esau had made a long journey from murderous hatred to joyful acceptance. He knew the release forgiving brings. The way in which Jacob approached Esau teaches us that humility can rebuild relationships. Esau s glad response emphasizes that we can forgive the hurts inflicted on us. Genesis 33: When Esau looked up and saw the women and children, he asked, Who are these with you? He answered, The children God has graciously given your servant. 6 Then the female slaves and their children approached him and bowed down. 7 Leah and her children also approached and bowed down, and then Joseph and Rachel approached and bowed down. 8 So Esau said, What do you mean by this whole procession I met? To find favor with you, my lord, he answered. 9 I have enough, my brother, Esau replied. Keep what you have. 10 But Jacob said, No, please! If I have found favor with you, take this gift from my hand. For indeed, I have seen your face, and it is like seeing God s face, since you have accepted me. 11 Please take my present that was brought to you, because God has been gracious to me and I have everything I need. So Jacob urged him until he accepted. STUDY THE BIBLE Genesis 33: minutes READ: Invite a volunteer to read Genesis 33:5-11. GUIDE: Emphasize the changes God had brought about in both Jacob and Esau over the time of their 20-year separation. 1) Jacob s encounters with God and blessings from God had produced a humility that was far beyond that of the schemer he once had been. 2) Esau s culture and most people in our modern culture would readily accept the idea that Esau had every right to be angry, unforgiving, and vengeful. Yet Esau s actions showed that he felt just the opposite. DISCUSS: Question #4 (PSG, p. 99): Why must forgiveness be accompanied with moving forward? 101

7 THE POINT Showing humility is critical to restoring relationships. OPTION: IN ADVANCE, obtain some children s building blocks. You may be able to borrow some from the preschool division in your church. Use the blocks to build a small wall on a table the entire group can see. GUIDE: Comment that It s easy to build walls between ourselves and others. Note different types of walls: 1) If we are in the wrong, we might construct a wall of defensiveness. 2) If someone has wronged us, we might construct a wall from which to attack or to hide behind to protect ourselves against future hurt. Call attention to the bullet points on PSG page 99. Stress that breaking down these walls is simple, but not easy. > > If you ve wronged someone, ask forgiveness. If needed, seek to make restitution. > > If someone wronged you, forgive. Period. Even if the offender never apologizes, forgive. Be willing to forgive and move forward. Verse 5. After the two brothers wept on each others shoulders, Esau looked up and saw the women and children arranged behind Jacob. He asked, Who are these with you? Jacob s response focused on his children and stressed they were gifts of God s favor that He had graciously given to Jacob. Though no longer in fear for his life, Jacob referred to himself as Esau s servant. Consistently throughout the exchange between the two brothers, Jacob expressed humility. Verses 6-7. In the order in which Jacob had arranged them, his concubine wives and their children approached Esau first, followed by Leah and her children. Lastly, Joseph and Rachel came forward; the name order may be significant, emphasizing Joseph s importance to Jacob. Like Jacob, all the women and their children bowed to Esau as well. Verse 8. The continued exchange between the two brothers is telling. Their states of mind were entirely different. Esau asked Jacob, What do you mean by this whole procession I met? He seemed genuinely puzzled as to the purpose of the previous procession of men and animals from Jacob he had encountered. Jacob s reply most likely revealed something of his guilt and anxiety. Jacob had sent the gift to find favor with Esau. The Hebrew word translated favor also can be rendered grace or acceptance. The root term can have the sense of being merciful. Verse 9. Esau already had freely given what Jacob sought to purchase. He certainly had matured over the years! Jacob had cheated him out of his majority inheritance, and now he had an opportunity to recoup at least a small part of his losses. Instead, Esau kindly and tactfully declined to increase his wealth at Jacob s expense. Esau had accumulated enough material goods. Addressing Jacob with the warm family term my brother, Esau urged Jacob to keep the animals he had offered to Esau. He did not need a lavish gift to persuade him to reconcile with his brother but freely extended forgiveness. 102 Session 8

8 Verse 10. In turn, Jacob insisted that Esau receive the gift he offered. Esau s doing so would be evidence he had received Jacob with favor. Then Jacob gave the reason for his insistence. In doing so, he made one of the most remarkable statements in the Scriptures: I have seen your face, and it is like seeing God s face. Intertwined in Jacob s response were probably both feelings of relief and gratitude. What had Jacob seen in Esau s face as they met and embraced? Jacob had seen (and experienced) forgiveness, acceptance, kindness, and a reflection of God s favor. Verse 11. Jacob tactfully urged Esau to accept his present. The Hebrew word rendered present can mean blessing or gift. It could have the sense of an act of good will and may have been Jacob s conscious effort to give back part of what he had stolen from Esau. Earlier, Esau had countered Jacob s offered gift by assuring Jacob he had enough (v. 9). In his sincere effort to bestow a gift, Jacob stressed that God had been gracious to him: I have everything I need. Indeed, Genesis 30:43 reflects Jacob s great wealth: The man [Jacob] became very rich. He had many flocks, male and female slaves, and camels and donkeys. His gift to Esau was no hardship for him. Jacob continued to implore Esau to receive the gift until he accepted. Throughout the dramatic account of the exchange between Esau and Jacob, Esau comes across as big-hearted and magnanimous. Perhaps because the writer of Hebrews used him as an example of an irreverent person who traded his birthright for a meal (Heb. 12:16), by and large Esau has not received the credit due him for his change of attitude and his treatment of Jacob. True, he was flawed (as was Jacob). He forfeited his birthright and could not recover it (v. 17). Yet Esau remains as a model of willingness to extend mercy, forgiveness, and reconciliation. He forgave and moved on. (OPTION: If you chose the building block option, knock down the blocks after you review the bullet points.) Note that our example is Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who came to earth for the very purpose of reconciling us to God and restoring our right standing with God. He forgave all who killed Him, and He forgives us. (ENHANCEMENT: Pack Item 7: Broken Barriers. Point to the poster as you make the previous comment.) DISCUSS: Question #5 (PSG, p. 100): What do we lose by avoiding damaged relationships rather than seeking restoration? (Alternate: What is the relationship between humility and forgiveness?) DO: Invite volunteers to share their responses to Relationship Connection (PSG, p. 100). 103

9 THE POINT Showing humility is critical to restoring relationships. LIVE IT OUT 5 minutes GUIDE: Emphasize The Point: Showing humility is critical to restoring relationships. Review Live It Out (PSG, p. 101; see text to the right). Emphasize that seniors can have a tremendous influence when others see their humility work to restore damaged relationships. Encourage members to choose the application that fits best with where they are in their walk with the Lord. Wrap It Up LIVE IT OUT Jacob and Esau let many years go by before their relationship was restored. Perhaps you have had a similar experience. Or maybe a relationship in your life has only recently experienced a strain that needs to be healed. Consider how God has spoken to your heart as you studied these passages. Which application will you adopt this week? > > Admit your part. If you are living with a damaged relationship, examine to see if any of your actions have caused the damage. If so, stop rationalizing your actions. Admit to yourself and to God the hurt you have caused. Apologize to the person you hurt and seek forgiveness. > > Let go of the grudge. If someone has hurt or offended you, let go of any grudge or bitterness, and forgive. By forgiving, you are not saying the offense doesn t matter, but you are refusing to hold that offense against the person any longer. Forgive even as God in Christ has forgiven you (Eph. 4:32). > > Be an agent of restoration. Ask God to help you be a healing influence in a broken relationship between two people you know. Spend time in prayer before you make the first contact. Be sensitive to each person s needs, and be patient to allow God to work in His time to bring about restoration. GUIDE: Remind group members that even if a relationship has been strained for a long time, God can work to bring healing when we submit to Him. PRAY: Lord, thank you for working in our lives to restore our damaged relationships. Strengthen us to do what is necessary to be agents of Your healing. Amen. 104 Session 8

10 ILLUSTRATOR PHOTO/DAVID ROGERS/JOSEPH A. CALLAWAY ARCHAEOLOGICAL MUSEUM/ THE SOUTHERN BAPTIST THEOLOGICAL SEMINARY/ LOUISVILLE, KY Oven with cooking pot on top from a typical Old Testament dwelling or house. The following excerpt is from the article Esau, All We Know (Spr. 2015), which relates to this session and can be purchased at www. lifeway.com/biblicalillustrator. The divine judgment of Esau was historically negative, as expressed by Malachi who said that God loved Jacob and hated Esau (Mal. 1:2-3). This is probably covenant language, which is best understood to mean that God With all of Jacob s faults, he repented and became a man whom his descendants were proud to claim as their ancestor. But no record of Esau s repentance exists. Instead, the writer of Hebrews described him as a profane individual who sold his birthright for a morsel of food (Heb. 12:16). Tragically, selling his birthright was the defining experience of Esau s life. Previous articles Esau and the Edomites (Spr. 2004) and Deceiver (Sum. 1999) relate to this session and can be purchased at biblicalillustrator. Look for Biblical Illustrator for Bible Studies for Life. Subscribe to Biblical Illustrator at or call SHARING THE GOOD NEWS Human pride often gets in the way of seeing ourselves like we ought. If we will humble ourselves and turn to God, He will adopt us into His family and help us live right with others. Each week, make yourself available either before or after the session to speak privately with anyone in your group who wants to know more about becoming a Christian. See the article, Leading Someone to the Greatest Decision of All, on page 2 for guidance in leading a person to Christ. Remind group members that page 2 in the PSG offers guidance in how to become a Christian. Encourage believers to consider using this article as they have opportunities to lead others to Christ. chose Jacob and did not choose Esau (cf. Rom. 9:11-15). > > Get expert insights on weekly studies through the Ministry Grid (MinistryGrid.com/web/BibleStudiesFor Life). >Grow > with other group leaders at the Groups Ministry blog (lifeway.com/groupministry). > > Additional ideas for your group are available at BibleStudiesFor Life.com/blog. 105