Dealing With Toxic Emotions

Transcription

1 Dealing With Toxic Emotions Proverbs 12:18 There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. INTRODUCTION Suppose a grocer takes inventory of his store. Buried in the bottom of his meat section he finds a package of "over ripe" hamburger. It had somehow set there for weeks turning green. What should he do with the rotting meat? He should get rid of it immediately and make sure he never neglects the meat section again. He may have a beautiful store, stocked with gorgeous produce, but rotten meat will spoil the whole store. Customers would walk out. It s the same with "TOXIC TALK" (words). Less than one percent of our word inventory can ruin and affect all of the rest. You might watch 99 percent of the things you say but the other one percent can cancel it out. Most of us do not realize the effect of what we say - unintentionally sometimes. Proverbs 12:18 There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: but the tongue of the wise is health. Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. The term "toxic" is defined by the American Heritage Dictionary as meaning, "Of, relating to, or caused by a toxin or other poison". If there is anything that can hurt or harm us physically, psychologically or emotionally it is toxins that can get inside of you or on you and destroy your health and ultimately your life. Why, because "toxins" are poison. And in like manner, toxic words spoken to you can harm your life by destabilizing your peace of mind, undermining your vision and killing your joy because toxic words poison your life! What is it?------who does it?-----why do they do it?

2 o 1. Toxic talk - is words that sting, that hurt - words that crush the spirit, words that leave people feeling hurt and hopeless. o 2. Who does it? - Anybody - Everybody - parents - husbands and wives - - relatives - employers - friends - employees - Christians - adults - children. o 3. Why do people do it? - intentionally - unintentionally - out of ignorance - deliberately - to hurt people - never to help people. o 4. Who gets hurt? - Children by parents - friends by each other - husbands by their wives - wives by their husbands Christians to other Christians. Usually we don t mean to hurt people. The words just "pop up" without planning. We forget them but the people they hurt don t forget. (Sometimes words have to hurt when you confront painful realities - but that is different.) o 5. Toxic Talk doesn t lead to help - It Destroys. o 6. Toxic Words are words that are usually said in haste, anger, or frustration. I. Our First Task Is To Identify The Toxic Words In Our Speech And Get Rid Of Them. Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. 1. Name Calling o Some words should be eliminated from our vocabulary because they are about name calling. Racist - Nazi - whore - queer - retard - gimp - ethnic slurs o Other words are more subtle but still are hurtful. Stupid - Idiot Worthless. o Name calling focuses on the character of the individual rather than on the particular problem at hand. For example; "You re a liar" instead of "You lied." 2. Words that wear on the soul - Some words are just ugly and negative. o "Shut up" - "Swear words" - "Vulgar words" 3. Words that take the heart out of people.

3 o One such word is "divorce" when used by a couple when fighting. It s like pulling out a gun in the middle of an argument. The argument shifts from the argument to the gun. It becomes a life and death struggle. o Another word is "disappoint" "You disappoint me." - It denoted failure and rejection. 4. Words that overstate the point. o When you are upset - it s easy to exaggerate. "Never" - You re never on time. "Always" - You re always late. "Just like" - You re just like your father. o Exaggerations leave little room for hope. Nobody is always late - nobody is just like anybody 5. Words that rub salt into a wound. o If you bring up "old business." o If you bring up "old mistakes." o If you bring up "old fights " o "old differences" o "old failures" o "old sins" o "past unfaithfulness" o Even jokes can hurt - people are sensitive. o About their weight - about their appearance - about their intelligence 6. Words that communicate personal disgust. o You used to have a nice figure. o You didn t used to have that pot belly. II. The Four Tongues Four common speech patterns are described in proverbs. The first two should be copied and the last two should be avoided. 1. The Controlled Tongue o Proverbs 10:19 In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise. o Proverbs 11:12 He that is void of wisdom despiseth his neighbour: but a man of understanding holdeth his peace.

4 o Proverbs 11:13 A talebearer revealeth secrets: but he that is of a faithful spirit concealeth the matter. o Proverbs 21:23 Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles. o Proverbs 15:1 A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. 2. The Caring Tongue o Proverbs 15:23 A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it! 3. The Conniving Tongue o Proverbs 16:28 A froward man soweth strife: and a whisperer separateth chief friends. o Proverbs 18:8 The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly. o Proverbs 25:18 A man that beareth false witness against his neighbour is a maul, and a sword, and a sharp arrow. o Proverbs 26: Where no wood is, there the fire goeth out: so where there is no talebearer, the strife ceaseth. 21 As coals are to burning coals, and wood to fire; so is a contentious man to kindle strife. 22 The words of a talebearer are as wounds, and they go down into the innermost parts of the belly. 23 Burning lips and a wicked heart are like a potsherd covered with silver dross. 24 He that hateth dissembleth with his lips, and layeth up deceit within him; 25 When he speaketh fair, believe him not: for there are seven abominations in his heart. 26 Whose hatred is covered by deceit, his wickedness shall be shewed before the whole congregation. 27 Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein: and he that rolleth a stone, it will return upon him. 28 A lying tongue hateth those that are afflicted by it; and a flattering mouth worketh ruin. 4. The Careless Tongue o Proverbs 17:9 He that covereth a transgression seeketh love; but he that repeateth a matter separateth very friends. o Proverbs 18:21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.

5 o Proverbs 20:19 He that goeth about as a talebearer revealeth secrets: therefore meddle not with him that flattereth with his lip. III. Dealing With Toxic People The last few weeks it seems like almost everyone who I sat down and talked with were dealing with toxic people in their lives. Weeks like that are like discernment for dummies for me. I figure if I keep coming across the same issue again and again, it might be something that I should teach about. The problem is, nothing came to mind on what the Bible says about how we should deal with toxic people in our lives. Julie and I have been talking about this alot. I went to God and asked him about it. Then I began to think about How did Jesus deal with Toxic people? Judas definitely fits as a toxic friend of Jesus. When you are looking for toxic people in the gospel, your eyes might land on o Herod o or Pilate.. o or the religious leaders o but there is something horrifying about Judas he is a disciple Jesus chose him as one of the twelve he is a friend a companion over the three years of Jesus ministry. o He is almost a close as you could get, and yet he has been stealing for the three years, robbing the purse that was there to support Jesus and the disciples and to feed the poor. He s been lying and deceitful, and finally he sells Jesus out for filthy lucre 30 pieces of silver, the cost of a slave. He is the betrayer. His very name has come to mean betrayer. He is toxic.

6 Who are the toxic people in your life the people who seem to change the very atmosphere of the room when they walk in. o Maybe they are like Judas lying thieves, betrayers of trust. o Maybe they are people that you have to rely on, but they continually let you down. o Maybe you share the toxicity you have a great need to please, and they are impossible to please! o Maybe they are hateful people; who pour their hate out on you and whoever is around. o Maybe they are the one who should show you love, but they show hate. o Maybe they have a bent, twisted negative view of the world, and they share that twisted negative view with who ever will listen. o Maybe they have power that they use to grind you down. If you google toxic people you get a bunch of articles about how to avoid toxic people, how to get them out of your life, and a few on how to get revenge. Truthfully though MOST TOXIC COMES FROM PEOPLE WHO ARE YOU ARE AROUND EVERY DAY!!! Judas was with Jesus every day. He was a disciple. Many of the Toxic Emotions you deal with is from frustrated people that pour out into you and you unknowingly try to help them but you take on the toxic they spill and if you don t purge your system you will be poisoned. Jesus dealt with Toxin by prayer and fasting. o Prayer is a purging system. o Worship is a purging system. o Fasting is a purging system. We often try to pacify toxic people, dance around them, and avoid them. Romans 12:21 Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good. We need to turn people s conversation around to the good. Point out the positive! I ve done a little studying on toxins and I ve learned a few things.

7 1. Toxins are Abrasive: o Anything that is abrasive gradually "wears something away". 2. Toxins are "Corrosive". o Anything corrosive gradually "eats or melts something away" (acid) Are we to just love and serve, and stay quiet? Jesus serves and loves Judas, but it is a quiet confrontation of his toxicity. o With Judas he quietly pointed out what he needed to do. Other time Jesus confronts toxicity it is not so quiet! o With the Pharisee s we confronted openly. Living as a toxic person is a terrible way to live! The toxicity sooner or later poisons the toxic person. One way that we might selflessly love and serve them is to confront them with their behavior. o 1) Restore gently. Goal is restoration. This is hard, usually by the time we get to the point of confrontation we are so frustrated with them for their behavior, and frustrated with ourselves for not dealing with it earlier, or fearful we just want to tear into them and let them have it! But the goal is to restore with ourselves, with God, with others that are hurting. o 2) Gently. It is so easy to let our passions get a hold of us in these situations, but the idea is we are to lead people to the right, not beat them into submission. Each of you should test your own actions. Then you can take pride in yourself, without comparing yourself to somebody else, for each of you should carry your own load. Speaking the Truth in Love Ephesians 4:14-15 no longer be infants, tossed back and forth by the waves, and blown here and there by every wind of teaching and by the cunning and craftiness of people in their deceitful scheming. Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the head, that is, Christ.

8 Speaking the truth in love is not just something to say before you speak your opinion in anger and hurt it is real. Faith s ability to express love while calling you to the right. o Jesus call to purity, and his attractiveness to sinners Woman caught in adultery go and sin no more The woman at the well Catching Peter s eye after the denial Before Pilate How do we do this with the toxic people in our lives? Or even just the regular folks who might have toxic behaviors? o 1) Love them from your heart ask God to give you this love. Do acts of love and service for them with out expecting a positive response. Pray prayers of blessing for them rather than prayers of change. o 2) Ask God if you are the one to confront them, what is his timing, what are his words? o 3) Do it soon. Speak before things come to a head. This might help you with your frustration. o 4) Do it privately this is not to shame your friend. o 5) Express as much hope and care as you can in ways that they can receive. o 6) Pray like mad!