Rabbi Mari Chernow Rosh Hashanah 2013/5774. About 1.2 million people sat with Patricia Newman as she died. Well, not

Transcription

1 Rabbi Mari Chernow Rosh Hashanah 2013/5774 About 1.2 million people sat with Patricia Newman as she died. Well, not exactly. But that s about how many people followed NPR s Scott Simon on Twitter as he sat by his dying mother s bedside. In blasts of 140 or fewer characters, Simon captured the experience of accompanying the dying the sorrow and the heartache as well as the uplift and the humor and vitality that burst through on even the darkest days. I ll share with you a handful of those Tweets: 1 Nights are the hardest. But that s why I m here. I wish I could lift my mother s pain & fears from her bones into mine. No real sleep tonight. But songs poems memories laughs. My mother: Thank you God for giving us this night and each other. My mother: Believe me, those great death bed speeches are written ahead of time. We re watching 42 (movie), cherishing every second of normalcy. Cherish yr mother tonight too. I just realized: she once had to let me go into the big wide world. Now I have to let her go the same way. City is cool, bright & lovely this morning. My mother touches a splash of sunlight w/ her fingers. Hello, Chicago! I think she wants to pass along a couple of pieces of advice, ASAP. One: reach out to someone who seems lonely today. And: listen to people in their 80 s. They have looked across the street at death for a decade. They know what s vital. In the middle of nights like this, my knees shake as if there s an earthquake. I hold my mother s arm for strength- still. Mother cries Help Me at 2:30. Been holding her like a baby since. She s asleep now. All I can do is hold on to her. 1 Edited very slightly for the sake of verbal delivery. 1

2 Heart rate dropping. Heart dropping. The heavens over Chicago have opened and Patricia Lyons Simon Newman has stepped onstage. She will make heaven shine so fine that all the world will be in love with night. Simon continued to reflect through Twitter on the ways in which he and his family coped with their grief. Day of my mother s internment. Left hand quavered so much, daughter had to help with buttons. Glimpse of my future. Our children want to know if you re dead forever. I tell them yes. But I wonder about that too. And his final Tweet on the subject: Reading through so many nice messages about my mother, it s so nice to see so many say, I held my mother s hand today I found these to be very moving. At one point Simon observes that his mother doesn t entirely understand Twitter but thinks it is very nice that about a million people are wishing her well. There is tremendous power in this new global community of ours. I imagine that these Tweets provided comfort to those who could relate, healing to those who wish they had had a similar chance to say goodbye and hope to all the rest of us who sometimes think about death (which, as an aside is part of what these holidays are about). And if some small fraction of those 1.2 million people really did hold the hands of their mothers, then on top of all that, there was some small repair of the world. But the blessings and curses of technology are closely intertwined and for every instance of online community there is at least another of online isolation. Author Jonathan Safran-Foer worries that the closer the world gets to our 2

3 fingertips, the further it gets from our hearts. 2 He describes his experience of being in a public space, noticing a teenager who is crying while talking on her phone. He considers approaching her but finds an out by looking into his own phone, observing, It s harder to intervene than not to, but it is vastly harder to do either than to retreat into the scrolling names of one s contact list the phone didn t make me avoid the human connection but it did make ignoring her easier in the moment Blessing and Curses. We have redefined community to welcome vast amounts of people we can now reach through our screens. At the same time, we made it possible for them to take priority over those who actually share our space. It s cliché already to talk about people spending time together, each connected to a separate device, but its true that we have to rethink distance, immediacy and intimacy in our relationships. Many have already noted that we can now be together while being alone. 3 When we connect remotely, we are connected and still remote. These days are full of paradox. A. J. Jacobs writes, for example, about the professors in Massive Open Online Courses that they are simultaneously the most and least accessible teachers in history. 4 Blessings and curses come also in the interaction itself and its changing nature. Jonathan Safran-Foer describes phone calls, s and texts as acceptable, if diminished substitutes for face-to-face communication. That is, they were designed for those times when being in the same room at the same time is 2 In an Op-Ed piece in the New York Times, How Not to be Alone, June 8, See the book Alone Together: Why We Expect More From Technology and Less From Each Other by Shelly Turkle. 4 In an Op-Ed piece in the New York Times, Two Cheers for Web U, April 20,

4 impossible. Many of you will go home tonight and Skype with your children or your parents in other cities. You will participate digitally in their holiday celebrations and they in yours. You will remind each other of home and call to mind warmth, comfort and love. But, Safran-Foer continues, a funny thing happened. We began to prefer the diminished substitutes. And he s right. We have to be careful so that what was once a way of meeting when there was no actual alternative does not become a lazy alternative to actually meeting. The face-to-face meeting is, as we know, the most complete way to encounter another person. It also holds particular significance in the Jewish tradition. In the most intense encounter with God that the Torah can imagine we read in the book of Exodus, Adonai would speak to Moses face-to-face, the way a person speaks to another person. 5 But curiously, a little bit later Moses asks God for an up close and personal encounter. God answers, I will have my goodness pass in front of you [But] You won t be able to see my face, because a human being will not see me and live. 6 So, which is it? Did Moses see God s face or is such a thing dangerous and forbidden? The contradiction teaches that face-to-face intimacy is - a contradiction. Its power makes it attractive and terrifying at the same time. We long for it and fear it. When we are getting close to someone there is a dance we do. We pull because there is nothing so potent as the reward of total knowing, seeing and accepting. But 5 Exodus 33:11. Both the Exodus and Genesis texts were suggested by my friend and colleague Rabbi Amy Sapowith. 6 Exodus 33:

5 we push because in order to get there we have to peel off layers of defense and that could undo us entirely. One way in which we are not like God is that we cannot present only our goodness. It is woven too tightly with our tendencies to be difficult, selfish, unkind, downright unlikable. The more we let someone else in, the less of ourselves we keep hidden. That s another blessing and curse of communicating through technology - we can control our exposure, revealing only doses of ourselves. It s safer that way but less authentic. We can be someone like us just a little bit better. The problem with doing that is that we diminish the value of who we actually are. There is great risk in revealing our raw and unclad selves. But doing so often makes for the most poignant and meaningful moments in our lives. Another scene in the Torah that centers around the phrase panim-el-panim, face-to-face, is Jacob s wrestling match with a mysterious opponent. His entire life turns on this incident, which becomes the archetype for struggle in the Jewish tradition. Jacob wrestles all night and leaves the encounter physically altered and spiritually renewed. I have seen God face-to-face, he says, and my life has been saved. 7 Which is curious because we know from Exodus that we re not supposed to see God and live. Maybe we can withstand more unmediated intimacy than we think. In the next chapter, Jacob meets his long estranged brother Esau. When they last saw each other, Esau threatened Jacob s life and Jacob has every reason to fear that he still has a thirst for blood. However, they have an emotional reconciliation. They part company not close but with closure on their lifelong rivalry and with 7 Genesis 32:31 5

6 kindness. Jacob says to his brother, I have seen your face [which is] like seeing God s face. 8 Defining moments happen when we authentically meet our brothers and sisters. And parents and friends and children and critics and supporters and rivals. When we face them and all that they represent. When we face what scares us about them. When we face the wrongs they have done to us and we have done to them. The face-to-face encounter is not just a social prescription in the Torah. It s theology. Jacob saw God s face in the face of his brother. If there is such a thing as meeting God, if there is such a thing as encountering all that is holy and divine it happens when we meet each other. ` That s also what these holidays are about. You want to meet your maker? says our tradition, you can t do it by just dressing up and coming to services. (I mean, we re glad you re here and you look very nice). But before you talk to God, you have to talk to the people who are sitting next to you. Or those who used to sit next to you. Or the ones you hold in your heart. You must face the people who mean something to you. In our tradition, the face is the locale not only of truth telling, but also of compassion and kindness, protection and care. When the Psalmist longs for mercy, and wonders why bad things happen to good people, when he begs for relief from terrible loneliness, the language he uses is, Don t hide your face from me. 9 Martin Buber notes an unusual expression when the book of Deuteronomy reviews the 8 Genesis 33:10. 9 For example, in Psalm 69:18. 6

7 Israelites history. [God brought you out of Egypt] with His face. 10 With our faces alone, we can relieve hardship and suffering. It cannot be an accident, then, that two of the most popular applications of technology are Facebook and Facetime. We have come full circle. The collective will is calling us back, through our routers and modems, on wifi waves and into the pixels on our screens, to the face-to-face meeting. Are these virtual encounters close enough to the real thing to satisfy our souls? I don t know. It remains to be seen. But their popularity points to a very deep need we have to behold the faces of those we love. And we are not so easily fooled by lesser encounters. Remember Jonathan Safran-Foer who talked about the way we choose diminished substitutes over more authentic communication? He takes his concern a step further, writing, The problem with accepting and preferring diminished substitutes is that over time we too become diminished substitutes. People who become used to saying little become used to feeling little. Without a doubt, I have a healthy dose of skepticism about technology. In fact, I ll admit that I may be part Luddite. At least I know that I am about ten years behind when I tell you that I recently (and somewhat reluctantly) joined Facebook. And I am being genuine when I say that I would be very happy to see you online. But I will also say that when I sign on the sheer volume of material makes my eyes glaze over so that I have an urge to retreat to some Walden Pond. I ll be even happier to see you when you hike out there to meet me for a cup of tea. But I also hold unyielding optimism when it comes to the human spirit. And so I refuse to 10 Howard Schwartz, Tree of Souls: The Mythology of Judaism, pg

8 believe that the human heart will ever stop needing - another human heart. The idea that It is not good for the human being to be alone goes as far back as the creation story. It is too enduring to be reshaped by gadgets and inventions that will ultimately come and go. Modern technology is, like every technology in human history language and fire and metal and steam engines and airplanes and so on - available to be used for good or bad, to be made into blessing or curse. We can utilize it to bring ourselves closer to or further from the place where we see God s face, which is the place where we meet each other. Even Jonathan Safran-Foer writes, It s not an either/or being anti-technology is perhaps the only thing more foolish than being unquestioningly pro-technology but [it is] a question of balance that our lives hang upon. And I will conclude with a few words about the Jewish concept of balance. First of all, if there is anything our culture can t stand, it is slavery. 11 No matter where we are, no matter what we are doing, we remember that we were slaves in Egypt. And that people, all people, deserve better. And I know that it is just an expression when we say we ve become slaves to our devices. But the language tells us something about where we locate control in our lives. We are lost when we lose our phones. Can we instead, feel liberated and choose from time to time, to disconnect? Which brings me to Shabbat. Nowhere in the Torah does it say, Turn off your cell phone on Shabbat but nothing could better capture the intended spirit of the day. Shabbat is a face-to-face holiday. Take it from a group of young 11 The idea of referencing slavery in a discussion of technology came from my friend and colleague Judith Halevy in her sermon, Find My Phone. 8

9 technologically savvy artists and writers known as Reboot. They developed a Shabbat manifesto 12 and encourage us all to carve a weekly timeout into our lives. Their manifesto centers around ten Shabbat principles that are completely open for your unique interpretation. That is to say that if the thought of unplugging for twenty-five hours sends shivers down your spine, find something that seems reasonable, something that helps you find - balance. The principles are: Nurture your health, get outside, avoid commerce, connect with loved ones, light candles, drink wine, eat bread, find silence, give back and yes, avoid technology. I might add an 11 th principle - come here and sing your heart out in prayer so that the stress of your week melts away. But other than that, it sounds to me like a pretty good way to spend the day. However you spend your Shabbat, be sure that you get some face time. That is, some time encountering someone panim-el-panim, face to face. Look beyond any features and see if you can catch a glimpse of that person s soul. And by so doing behold the face of God. L Shana Tova. 12 For more information, see Sabbathmanifesto.org. 9