11 Relational Judaism: Using the Power of Relationships to Transform the Jewish Community; Ron Wolfson; Jewish

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1 High Holy Days 5774: Rosh Hashanah Morning Sermon September 5, 2013 / 1 Tishrei, 5774 Driving down the 110 Harbor freeway off Torrance Boulevard, you might have noticed the Mission Ebenezer Family Church. If you haven t noticed the church, you must ve seen their marquee. It s hard to miss; it rises high above street level and is clearly visible from the freeway. Written on the marquee, in big, bold letters is the following: Working to Impact the World One Family at a Time. I love this message but feel I can hone it further. Simply said, relationships matter. At the synagogue, our programs, services and classes may be great; however, if one person leaves without a simple friendly exchange with another person we failed. Exchanges lead to conversations; conversations to friendships; we impact the world with every new friendship we create. Several years ago while traveling I attended a Shabbat service at another synagogue. The music was soulful, the sermon engaging, the prayer was heartfelt. I was just a Jew in the pew until the rabbi welcomed me from the bimah. As we got towards the end of the service, I began to look forward to the Oneg Shabbat. Not only because I was hungry but because that s when I can learn about what makes that synagogue treasured for the people who know it best. You can t have those conversations during the service; or at least you shouldn t. The service ended, I wished those around me Shabbat Shalom and I made my way into the social hall. I got a cookie, a cup of coffee and began to walk around the room. I couldn t wait for people to welcome me, a guest, a visiting rabbi, no less. I saw circles of people who looked like regulars gathered about, talking and laughing. I walked alone waiting for an invitation to come into a circle. Guess what: not one person greeted me, came up to me, engaged me or did anything to make me feel part of that community. I learned a valuable lesson about synagogue life that night. Not every congregation that has great success in the sanctuary carries it into the social hall. I know I am biased; I think our worship services are pretty good. But what about the Oneg Shabbat? Is ours a model for others to emulate or not? What do you think? Another story: a rabbi learned of the resignation from the synagogue of a woman who had been an active member for twenty years. She attended just about every synagogue program. The rabbi was shocked to see that she had resigned and he reached out to her. When he asked her why she was leaving she told him, I came to everything and I never met anybody Relational Judaism: Using the Power of Relationships to Transform the Jewish Community; Ron Wolfson; Jewish Lights Press, 2013; p. 17. Wolfson suggests, It s not about programs; it s not about marketing; or branding, logos, websites or apps. It s about relationships. 1

2 Friends, today we begin a new year. Have you greeted someone nearby with a heartfelt Shanah Tovah? Rosh Hashanah is a time for new beginnings, new commitments, new pledges to be made and promises to be upheld. So my question for you this morning is this: Why do our relationships matter? What can you do to strengthen existing and develop new relationships? My challenge to you this year is to find more opportunities to connect with others in our congregation, and to grow your circle of friends within our Temple Beth El community. Why? Because our relationships matter. Chapter two of the Book of Genesis reminds us that It is not good for a human being to be alone. After God breathes life into Adam, God realizes that being alone is no way for Adam to live. So God created Woman from the man, creating the first relationship in the history of humankind. Judaism is rooted in relationships. Communal prayer requires the presence of a minyan ten people. Many core values of our tradition require our attentive presence and a relationship: Think about these words we recited earlier; These are our duties without measure; their fruit we eat now, their essence we enjoy in the world to come. These duties include: attending the house of study daily [to learn with a study partner]; welcoming the stranger [into your home], rejoicing with bride and groom, accompanying the dead for burial. 2 Each of these sacred obligations strengthens us and our community by making connections which form the building blocks of relationships. We have to take that first step to open our lives to others. If you go to a traditional synagogue for Shabbat, you will likely receive an invitation to someone s home for Shabbat dinner or lunch after the service. The custom of sitting shiva provides the mourner with a community of close friends and acquaintances to comfort the mourner in her time of need. When a young person becomes bar or bat mitzvah, it s an occasion for our community to celebrate. The service is not by invitation only. So, let me ask you; when was the last time you shared a Shabbat meal with friends in your home or theirs? If you buried a loved one recently, did you observe shiva by opening your home to people who would come to console you? Why, why not? When s the last time you came to a bar or bat mitzvah service to which you weren t formally invited? It is not good for a person to be alone. Yet, in some of our most sacred moments, we choose to be alone. That is not what our tradition expects from us. We live in relationship. As we get older it feels harder to change our habits. We find it burdensome to try to make new friends. Rebecca Adams, a professor of sociology and gerontology explains the conditions that psychologists have considered crucial to making close friends; proximity, repeated and unplanned interactions and a setting that encourages people to let their guards down [don t exist 2 Mishnah Pe ah 1:1 2

3 as readily later in life]...that is why so many people meet their lifelong friends in college. 3 And that may be why it is harder to make new friends today. We also encounter more obstacles. When our children are young, we focus on their friendships, not ours. It s not a given that we will become friends with the parents our child s friends. Our children s activities, our working lives, a crowded schedule makes it difficult even to find time with one s spouse, and existing friends, let alone new people. Think about your calendar; how many months in advance do you need to plan for a casual night with friends? Spontaneity is fleeting. Yet, there are difficult moments in our lives, rebuilding moments, when we need to renew our efforts towards building new relationships; moments like divorce, relocation, death, events that erode, or even erase a previously existing social structure. If we don t rebuild, we risk becoming isolated. It is not good for a person to be alone. Yes, it can be difficult to make new friends as we age. Nevertheless, I strongly believe that the synagogue can provide the conditions that Adams mentions: proximity, spontaneity, and even a safe place to let your guard down. Many of you have developed close friendships with other temple members. Temple Beth El is the vessel where your relationships have grown. These friendships began with a simple connection that grew into something deeper and more meaningful. It began because you showed up and said hello. Relationships grow in our minyanim. When we gather on Shabbat morning, for our healing, meditation, lay led or Torah on the Trails services, we are drawn to one another simply by orienting ourselves in a way that enables us, in the words of Emanuel Levinas, to gaze into the eyes of [our neighbors]. Holding another s gaze is powerful and intimate. I often wonder how much more we would connect with one another on Friday nights if we were able to sit in a circle, and look into the eyes of our neighbors, panim al panim face to face. Relationships grow in our smaller social activities. How many of you have temple friendships rooted in your havurah, or your 90th Anniversary Supper Clubs? Maybe you developed new friendships on a temple trip to Israel? It often takes an artificial catalyst, such as a relationship making activity, like a book club, to make new relationships develop organically. It s harder today to make new real friends even though we have so many technological tools that create virtual connections. Facebook friends are easy to make. All it takes is a simple click of the mouse, and not even one word of conversation. Most of these friendships are superficial. We are connected by scrolling through their postings. Yet do we ever hear their voices? Today, we say Mazel Tov or my condolences with a short post on a timeline. Less and less do we call, craft a handwritten note, or visit. It s not that these technological tools are bad; in fact, they help to spread news quickly and keep people connected. However, it can t be the only tool in our toolbox that we use to maintain relationships. These tools enable us to hide behind the technology that supposedly builds friendships. They eliminate any expectation aside from a click on like or a quick dispatch of Happy Birthday! And all of us on Facebook do this. 3 Alex Williams; Friends of a Certain Age; New York Times, July 13,

4 We live in an increasingly disconnected age where we communicate by text message instead of conversation. Noted author Jonathan Safran Foer writes that, Technology celebrates connectedness, but encourages retreat. 4 We may have hundreds of Facebook friends but have little expectation from most of them. When you are suffering who among your Facebook friends are really there for you? It s that small handful of close confidants, who keep up with you on Facebook and who call and visit too who will come see you face to face. Those friends will remain in your lives long after Facebook is no longer relevant. Technology has increased our ability to connect quickly and easily, especially to people who have been absent from our lives. At the same time technology can diminish our capacity and expectation for engagement. It keeps us distant and distracted. You re in the middle of a deep conversation. Your phone vibrates in your pocket with what is undoubtedly, a very important new text message. What do you do? We ve gotten used to, and have even accepted being distracted all the time. Jonathan Safran Foer observes again, Everyone wants his parent s, or friend s, or partner s undivided attention even if many of us, especially children, are getting used to far less. Simone Weil wrote, Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity. By this definition, Foer concludes, our relationships to the world, and to one another, and to ourselves, are becoming increasingly miserly... 5 I see lengthy undivided attention most often in two situations; when a new baby is welcomed into this world; or when a loved one is preparing to leave it. A new parent has the ability to hold the gaze of their baby for a long time. An adult child caring for her dying parent, a spouse praying for the return to health of their beloved after a serious health crisis, can be with that person, locked in that sacred gaze, present, caring, and generous with their attention. These human relationships are essential however technological progress may lead to surrogate care that would take away the knowing, loving gaze of the other. Sherry Turkle, a renowned professor at MIT and author of the book Alone Together: Why We Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other, is wary of this development. 6 She visited a nursing home where she observed a robot engineered to read social cues interacting with a lonely patient. It looked like a baby seal. It knew language enough to respond, sort of appropriately. If you were sad, it made kind of comforting sad noises... This robot was with an older woman who'd lost a child... And she was pouring out her heart about losing this child, and she was comforted by this robot. This robot 4 Jonathan Safran Foer; How Not to be Alone ; New York Times, June 9, Ibid. 6 This episode that Turkle describes was heard on NPR s the TED Radio Hour (August 18, 2013) and was part of her larger TED talk entitled: Connected but Alone, available The conversation below is adapted from the transcript of her TED Talk and the TED Radio Hour 4

5 made her feel understood... But the robot doesn t have empathy or understanding. Just good technology. This scene depressed Turkle, who once championed this sort of technology. She is worried that if robots replace human beings as sources of comfort, then our humanity will diminish. Can we imagine a world where human beings are excused from providing care, attention, human touch to another living human being? Social robots could lead us there. Our local hospital can t imagine this. Little Company of Mary has a program called No One Dies Alone. It s for a patient who has no family, no friends, no connections. This program provides a human volunteer to sit with the patient and be present in their final moments of life. No One Dies Alone is the remedy that Turkle would likely prefer. It just takes people willing to give of their time, to be in relationship with one another, even a stranger on his deathbed. This type of robot limits our sacred responsibility of providing caring, loving human attention. Already we are far less generous with our attention today. It s only getting worse. How often are you checking or Facebook while your child, spouse, friend, co-worker is talking to you... or while your rabbi is preaching? This lack of attention concerns Turkle. We're setting ourselves up for trouble, she warns. Certainly, in how we relate to each other; but also trouble in how we relate to ourselves, in our capacity for self-reflection. We're getting used to a new way of being alone together. Being alone, together. I see this at every bar or bat mitzvah party. Tables of teenagers yet their faces are buried in their phones texting or gaming instead of talking to the person sitting next to them. They are alone, together. I see this at restaurants where two adults and two children are plugged in and tuned out from one another. It happens at our kitchen tables too. We are alone, together. How then, do we become together, together? How do we engage each other face to face rather than through Facebook? The Talmud teaches: Hevruta o-meituta Either one has friendship or one has death (Ta anit 23a). Or in today s parlance, one cannot be sustained by Facebook friendships alone. They don t offer depth. Real friendships take time and effort. They require conversations that contain more than 140 characters. Our synagogue can help relationships grow. Havurot, Supper Clubs, Habitat for Humanity, Coffee Talk, Torah study, Shabbat morning minyanim, ROMEOs, dare I even say committees, all bring people face to face, with a shared interest. And from these initial connections relationships grow. Roots spread out, but need to go deeper as well. We need to be able to look into the soul of the other and learn from one another about what truly matters. That is why we are initiating a bold 5

6 project; over the course of the next year I want everyone to have the opportunity to meet others within our TBE family by sharing a meaningful conversation. We are creating opportunities facilitated by me and a developing team to sit together, to learn about one another, and discover what truly inspires us. We will learn much through these community conversations. Why meet? To make connections with one another. To learn what matters most to us as a Jewish community. We can best learn this simply by meeting face to face. I envision affinity groups growing from these sacred meetings. From these groups, relationships will grow. Simply by being together, together we will show the power of community to sustain Jewish life at Temple Beth El and beyond. When you listen to the stories of people s first exposure to Temple Beth El, they speak of how they were welcomed warmly into our congregational family. They were greeted, engaged, made to feel special. These initial encounters have led to special lifelong friendships. May we work to plant seeds of connection, nurture them and watch them grow into deep and lasting relationships. May our synagogue always the place where no congregant stands alone, and where regulars always get to know somebody new. May we impact the world by connecting often, two people at a time remembering always, that relationships matter. Kein Yhi Ratzon. My thanks and appreciation to my sermon hevrutah partner, Rabbi Zachary Shapiro for his friendship, inspiration and collaboration, and to Steve Beitler for his valuable guidance and assistance. For Further Reference: Ron Wolfson; Relational Judaism: Using the Power of Relationships to Transform the Jewish Community; Jewish Lights Press, 2013 and her full TED Talk Connected but Alone, available Also, her book, Alone, Together: Why we Expect More from Technology and Less from Each Other; Basic Books Publishing, 2011 Jonathan Safran Foer: How Not to be Alone; New York Times, June 9, Alex Williams; Friends of a Certain Age; New York Times, July 15, 2012 Dr. Sherry Turkle: NPR s TED Radio Hour 6

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