2013+June Copyrighted Content by Melanie Tonia Evans. All rights reserved.

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2 How to Do No Contact by Melanie Tonia Evans 2013+June Copyrighted Content by Melanie Tonia Evans. All rights reserved. Cover design and layout by Janara Jornor Photographs by Istock Photo No part of this ebook may be reproduced or transmitted in any form, by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying or recording or by any information storage or retrieval system, without express permission in writing from the author, except where brief passages are quoted for the purposes of review. 1st Edition Published 2011 by Melanie Tonia Evans Australia Website: ISBN First edition printed June 2011 Melanie Tonia Evans and How to do No Contact are registered trademarks of Meltonia Enterprises Pty Ltd Australia. Melanie Tonia Evans is neither a qualified psychologist nor a qualified counsellor and offers her insights and advice for guidance only. 1 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

3 Table of contents Introduction... 3 PART ONE: WHY YOU NEED TO DO NO CONTACT... 7 How the narcissist functions... 7 Conscience versus conscienceless Attempting to right the wrongs What are the basic requirements of a healthy relationship Your version of thinking versus the narcissist s version of thinking What you are to the narcissist and what you need to be to yourself PART TWO: HOW TO DO NO CONTACT The narcissist s reaction to No Contact In Conclusion How to Recover H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

4 Introduction Please note if you are a member of New Life Newsletter, and received both your ebooks with your subscription please read your ebook Narcissistic Abuse The Truth before beginning this one. Although this publication has been written in reference to love partners, the principles still apply for all significant narcissistic individuals in your life. One of the most vital elements regarding recovery from narcissistic abuse is NO CONTACT, (referred to as NC on many abuse forums), or in the case of shared custody of children is called Modified Contact whereby appropriate boundaries, or the implementation of third parties for communication are established. Please note this ebook is not just specific information for individuals who are already out of their narcissistic relationship, or know they need to get out and stay out. If you are still in the relationship please know I understand your reasons for remaining there. There may be many reasons why it s really hard to leave and you may still be holding hope for the relationship. If you are still in the relationship I know this information may be very hard hitting for you, and may even seem incredibly distasteful, because No Contact may be the last thing that you want to do. If, at this point, you are still in the relationship and trying to save your union this information is still very helpful therefore I urge you to have an open mind when reading it. The truth is this ebook will help you identify how bad the abuse really is (if applicable) and it will help you clarify if there is any hope for your relationship. Throughout this ebook you will gain greater insight into whether or not the individual you are dealing with has classic NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder), or has narcissistic traits to a lesser degree whereby there may be a chance of empowering yourself, creating strong boundaries and gaining a level of respect and decency from this person. 3 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

5 Please be very aware the dynamics that are explained in this ebook are NPD behaviours point blank. If you have already read my articles Are You With A Narcissist, Narcissism Understood and Narcissistic Personality Disorder- Common Traits and Expressions of Narcissists and subscribed to New Life Newsletter and accessed the free ebook Narcissistic Abuse The Truth (if you haven t yet read this ebook you may subscribe and do so here) and if you have ticked many or most of the boxes contained in these publications, and resonate with how you have been affected by your narcissistic relationship, then this ebook certainly is relevant to your situation very much so, because the truth is: you are experiencing significant narcissistic abuse. In the case of an Altruistic Narcissist, you may feel incredibly confused. My second narcissistic relationship was with such a narcissist. Please read these two articles if the suspected narcissist you are with can often be wonderful and at times acts out horrendous behaviour. Is The Narcissist Capable Of Loving and Love Bombing When It s Too Good To Be True. If you are still in a narcissistic relationship which you have not yet identified as NPD or not yet accepted as NPD, this will assist you to understand how narcissism plays out, and it may be a powerful reference further down the track. It will also arm you with knowledge and tools if the time does come when you simply know you have to leave the relationship. If your partner shows enough attributes to give you hope that he/she is not NPD that is great and there certainly may be hope. I have written an article that provides the tools and strategies to applying boundaries to gauge if your partner is capable of being accountable, stepping up and displaying the necessary levels of remorse, empathy and selfdiscipline in order to change his or her behaviour. Is He/She Really A Narcissist Laying Boundaries and Accountability If on the other hand, you really do relate to this information it s time to be honest with yourself and face the hard facts. In this ebook, the term narcissist used throughout, directly describes NPD behaviour which is not rare, and is in fact incredibly common and widespread. From here on I am describing No Contact with an NPD individual. 4 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

6 I discovered within my own recovery, and in the case of the recoveries that I co-create with other narcissistically abused victims, the BIGGEST defining ingredient in regard to being able to create the space to heal, recover and move on is the implementation and the sticking to of No Contact. In the thousands of cases with individuals I have intimately viewed, from all over the world, I ve never seen a recovery from a NPD relationship that hasn t operated from this model. This is regardless of the gender, nationality, class, capabilities and intelligence of the narcissistically abused victim. I mean it when I say not one case. Even in the situations of ex-partners who ve had children with narcissists, the people who have recovered did everything in their power to negate, reduce or eliminate direct contact. They all put up very strong boundaries, in order to keep the narcissist out of their life as much as possible. In the case of my own life, I did the in-and-out dance with my first narcissistic ex-partner for a total of 4 years. During this period I was battered, shattered and virtually destroyed. I lived through times when I d pull away and start getting myself and my life back on track, and then every time I slipped and went back into the ring I would very soon after, if not immediately, plummet again. All it would take was one phone conversation, text exchange or the reading of an to feel hooked again. I m certainly not alone. It s well known that when dealing with a narcissist, when trying to re-claim yourself, it s like dealing with poison. If you touch the poison you feel poisoned again. Chances are, if you are experiencing narcissistic abuse, you know exactly what this feels like. There were times when I thought I had contact with him under control, and at these times I felt like some sort of safety or predictability had been secured. However, despite these brief moments of imagined relief, before I knew it the goal posts were moved, the rug was pulled out from under my feet, and again I would fall. Each time lower and lower. 5 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

7 A perverse hooking aspect occurs when an individual is narcissistically traumatised, and a powerful addiction phenomenon ensues. This means that the narcissist continually finds a way to get under your skin, and will keep you coming back for more as a result of you trying to receive sensibility, fair play, accountability and / or validation from the narcissist. Many individuals who are connected to narcissists believe they can somehow gain the upper hand, and some sort of control and safety when dealing with the narcissist, and are therefore able to retain their boundaries and sanity, and get some sort of resolution. Nothing could be further from the truth... When dealing with a narcissist, you need to be honest with yourself and have a firm understanding of the dynamics of narcissism. By the time your relationship has become toxic, you ve been damaged, and you re shellshocked, shattered and feel like you re losing your mind. Many aspects of your life, as well as your emotional and mental state are suffering. You directly experience the fact that the narcissist in your life is simply not interested in playing fair. As a result, you re dismayed to realise there s little possibility of creating win / win outcomes. When dealing with property and custody settlements (let alone emotional ones) you need to accept the narcissist is not motivated by sensibility, reason, compassion and conscience, and until accepting these hard facts you ll undoubtedly feel totally anguished, angered and frustrated beyond belief with the narcissist s inhumane behaviour. I know because I ve been there, and I listen to clients, and I work with people on the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Program, and I receive s about this anguish and disbelief every day. Please know many people are going through, and have gone through what you are, if you re being narcissistically abused. 6 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

8 It can take a while, but finally the acceptance that you need to come to, can and will set you free. Education is vital in order to achieve your freedom, and for you to be able to create No Contact in order to focus on and create your necessary recovery. And within this education is the understanding of WHY a narcissist behaves the way he or she does, and WHY none of your attempts to receive safe and decent behaviour work. It s my mission in this ebook to explain to you the narcissistic phenomena in a way that makes you realise why No Contact (or Modified Contact) is the only way to have the space to heal, regain yourself and have a happy, successful and gratifying life. I m not going to apologise for my frankness, and for literally saying it how it is. This ebook is intended to smack you between the eyes about the severity of narcissistic abuse, and what is really going on. If you are being severely narcissistically abused, this information could save your life, or someone s life who you deeply care about and who has experienced this level of abuse. My conscience, mission and experience with narcissism require me to be very real about this information. PART ONE: WHY YOU NEED TO CREATE NO CONTACT How the narcissist functions The narcissist operates from two modes when he or she is being unreasonable, cruel, calculating, pathological, or quite frankly like a nasty five-year old that refuses to act decently. 7 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

9 These modes are: 1) The narcissist s primary driver is to receive narcissistic supply This equates to the narcissist receiving attention. Good or bad it makes no difference. In the early days of the relationship the narcissist received plenty of acclaim and adoration from you. Because the honeymoon period is now over, and you have experienced the personality cracks and insecure, nasty, demanding and abusive behaviour, it s unlikely that you re still supplying the narcissist with the energy of, You are SO wonderful by the time you have accessed this ebook. At this point, the wonderful partner has not been present for quite some time, or only shows up sporadically. You ll, more often, be confronted with the narcissistic personality and all its fully blown extremes. The veneers of respect, compassion, and genuine support (vital components within healthy relationships) have worn thin, and become less and less consistent. Now, the attention the narcissist receives from you is him or her knowing how much he or she can affect you adversely. This grants the narcissist a sense of importance and even God-like omnipotence. When a narcissist causes fear and distress, he or she feels extremely significant. Healthy and emotionally mature individuals do not create significance at the expense of other people. It s very true that everyone seeks significance in their own way; however one of the defining pathological aspects of narcissism is that the narcissist will wish to create self-significance by reducing others. The narcissistic model is: I win and you lose. 8 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

10 Lack of conscience is a clear and defining factor. Individuals with a conscience don t cause pain in order to receive attention and significance. Narcissists due to a lack of healthy conscience (meaning the care and consideration for others, and being accountable) simply don t comprehend hurting others as wrong or unthinkable it s a means to an end, in order to receive narcissistic supply. 2) The narcissist needs to offload his or her internal pain Narcissists have limited or non-existent inner resources available in order to work through their own emotional conflicts, which are numerous. Because the narcissist struggles to be accountable and self-reflect, he or she projects pain, rage and unworthiness onto others (the parts of themself they cannot resolve) in order to gain relief from internal torment. This is why the narcissist will proclaim that it is your fault, and will continually accuse you of everything that that he or she does that is unreasonable. Projection is a strategy necessary for the narcissist to emotionally survive and retain his or her false self. Projection is an egoic created defence mechanism. By remaining in his or her ego, the narcissist can defend his or her severely damaged inner self, by making it always someone else s fault. Healthy and emotionally mature individuals have the ability to self-reflect and take responsibility for their own emotions and actions. The narcissist doesn t and won t. Hence this is why they don t heal, grow or evolve to a healthier self. The unfortunate side-effect of the narcissist s projections is that you may be incredibly confused, and may have been worn down into accepting that you are in fact the problem in the relationship. 9 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

11 Just ask yourself - Am I a malicious person who operates without conscience? Okay, yes you may have retaliated like a crazy person, and even been nasty and aggressive, but who doesn t crack when they re being significantly and repetitively abused? That certainly doesn t make you, at your core, a bad person. I can assure you healthy people with emotional intelligence who really believed you were untrustworthy, manipulative, controlling, competitive, adulterous, nasty and wrong would NOT be having a relationship with you. They d leave! Yet the narcissist continues or continued to be with you while accusing you of these things...and more. Why? Because he or she was maliciously maiming you and dumping his or her tormented self on you pure and simple. Decent people simply don t do that. I don t care how deranged or crazy you feel you are being abused, and it s important to get VERY clear about this. Conscience versus conscienceless It may shock you to realise that narcissists and co-dependents have many things in common, such as, a feeling of inner emptiness and trying to achieve validation of self through outside sources, however one thing they certainly do not have in common is a lack of conscience. Co-dependents feel really bad about using abuse, lies and manipulation to gain attention, or the upper hand, and would feel devastated if anyone accused them of possessing anything less than decency and integrity. Many of my clients have spoken to me in relation to how they could never operate like a narcissist. 10 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

12 It would be true to say, even in your most dire times of pain and grief, you d find it very difficult to lower yourself and literally sell your soul by performing the lies, manoeuvres, cruelty, atrocities and immoral behaviour that the narcissist is capable of. You just simply wouldn t do it. And if you ever have, to try to one-up the narcissist, you were totally distraught when you looked in the mirror and realised who you d become. The narcissist knows how to hook you because you have a conscience and care about what people think of you. You ve been trying to prove to the narcissist that you are trustworthy, you are decent and you do love him or her, and you do possess integrity. This has been an extremely fruitless task, because the narcissist is always insisting how bad you are (the projection of his or her disowned parts on to you). You re mortified that the narcissist believes you re a bad person, and you can t fathom how love can go like this. As a result, you are severely addicted to the goal of needing to prove your worth and gaining the narcissist s approval. You may be motivated by needing to be right and / or needing to secure the narcissist s love in order to reduce his or her damaging behaviour. It doesn t really matter what has hooked you into trying because it s a soul-destroying trip. Is it the relationship you re fighting for? Or maybe really it s the need to be validated, respected, trusted and loved unfortunately by someone who never wanted to, and never held that as a normal human goal. 11 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

13 It isn t about that or you, never actually was, and never will be. From the narcissist s viewpoint and model of reality, it was always about you supplying the narcissist with narcissistic supply. The interesting part in all of this is you ve been conditioned by the narcissist to accept the assault of the narcissist s projections. He or she has day by day, piece by piece been using your insecurities and unhealed parts against you, and been turning you into another version of him or herself. By confusing and diminishing you and then projecting the bad parts of him or herself on to you, the narcissist has created you as the tormented person. By doing so he or she has been able to feel momentarily healthy, and temporarily spared from his or her own internal torture. The feelings that you re feeling the emptiness, manic depression, fear, loss of self-esteem, helplessness and loss of faith in yourself and life, are the feelings that the narcissist feels within their real core every minute of every day. The difference is the narcissist, in order to function, goes after narcissistic supply (attention which means stealing other people s energy), in order to have any sense of self. The narcissist requires other people reflecting energy back to him or her, because without this the narcissist is a literal wasteland of no-self. The reason why you appear to be an empty shell and the narcissist doesn t, is because you don t sell your soul in order to go out and feed off and steal energy and resources from people and life in order to emotionally survive. The narcissist will hit porn sites, internet dating, admiring acquaintances, previous lovers etc. etc., whereas you re more likely to be in the coma position under your bedspread. 12 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

14 You re not doing the tactics which gain the relief. In fact you re much more likely to keep losing more and more pieces of yourself, shrivel and fall deeper and deeper into the black abyss that you re becoming. Narcissistically abused victims all report the feeling of having NO self left, and that their life force has been literally sucked out of them. The physical, emotional and mental torture of being in this state is unthinkable, and unless you ve experienced it personally, which I know you have if you ve been narcissistically abused, you know what I mean when I say no-one could begin to fathom what this feels like unless they had personally experienced it. If the narcissist was cut off from receiving narcissistic supply, this is exactly what he or she would feel like. He or she would experience a complete and utter breakdown. Not being a bad person is killing you in this instance. Please know, in no way am I advocating that you become bad in order to survive, therefore becoming a model of no empathy or conscience. The quick fix of gaining egoic (narcissistic) supply is not the durable answer. Such as going after a love relationship to pay the narcissist back, or in order to try and stop the pain. Facing and embracing your unhealed parts and insecurities that led you into being in a narcissistic relationship, and healing and evolving through the pain and creating an authentic and empowered self is the answer, and this is something that the narcissist will never do. The narcissist pursues narcissistic supply without conscience, and has no remorse about who gets used, or what pathological moves he or she has to make in order to secure supply. The narcissist controls people with his or her tactics, and humans aren t humans to the narcissist, they are simply objects to extract energy from. 13 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

15 If you try to win some power back and control the narcissist, you are punching well above your weight. The narcissist is a seasoned professional, whereby you re a raw novice shackled with a conscience, and therefore the narcissist will always win when you go toe to toe with him or her. If you try to control someone or something that is out of control, the only outcome is YOU will be completely controlled by that person or thing. The narcissist is a model of self-serving entitlement, and he or she believes they own the rights to you, what you bring to the table, and anything else he or she feels entitled to take (which is most if not all things). He or she needs to take, and the narcissist will cut you off from other sources that could grant you energy, such as friends, family, children (yours or the narcissist s), hobbies and areas of your life that give you connection and pleasure. The narcissist knows that by doing so, you will be shackled to him or her so that supply can be ensured and extracted. There is no way he or she is going to grant you the energy you require to feel strong, empowered and healthy. When you can provide narcissistic supply the narcissist still wants you, and is finished with you when there is no more to extract. When the relationship is over, the narcissist wants to know you are destroyed, or will still be available to hand over more supply in the future. It s an insult of the highest order to the narcissist for you to have a great life with or without him or her. The narcissist is pathologically envious, to the point of inner rage, that you find ways and people to feel genuinely good. The narcissist knows this is impossible for him or herself, and dismantles all of your sources of energy, leaving you totally at the mercy of his or her control. 14 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

16 You know the disinterest, displeasure and even wrath of the narcissist when you were upset, or in a state of needing support from him or her, or when you got pleasure and energy from sources other than the narcissist. The narcissist after the process of giving to get (securing you as narcissistic supply) has no desire, and no resources to genuinely give support, and has no desire to support and encourage your happiness and achievements. The narcissist may monetarily grant you positive energy, but often it s to keep you hooked and dependent as narcissistic supply. Often the nice behaviour comes about as a result of you starting to pull away, and when the wrath, manipulation, cruelty, smear campaigns and power tripping doesn t secure attention. Narcissists require narcissistic supply like a drug addict requires heroin, and just like a highlevel junkie the narcissist will sell out individuals, or trample on other people s emotions and resources without remorse, in order to feed this all-consuming need. No-one receives immunity in the face of this compulsion. Close intimates are the main targets from whom the greatest amount of narcissistic supply can be extracted long-term, simply because an intimate will hang around in the game whilst the extraction continues to take place. Less intimate people that haven t been successfully hooked, when the veneer inevitably wears thin, won t. They will pull away from the abuse. Narcissists will tend to have a lot of fleeting acquaintances that they extract narcissistic supply from, but very few, if any longterm friends. The narcissist doesn t fear the abandonment and punishment that comes from his or her bad behaviour. In fact the narcissist welcomes the angst and repercussions. All of this grants the knowing he or she has the power to affect other people in extreme ways. This is A- grade narcissistic supply at its best. 15 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

17 This coupled with the inability for the narcissist to think about or learn from consequences, means the narcissist in a tirade is not concerned about the outcome. It s a bit like playing chicken. You will be fearful of repercussions, so it is much more likely for you to try to back down, apologise or repair matters first. Individuals who suffer from Narcissistic Personality Disorder have inbuilt masochistic tendencies. The narcissist knows that he or she is empty, and has no self. Self-loathing takes the space where self-esteem, self-knowing and self-worth should reside, and there is a perverse and twisted relief when receiving punishment and failure. Narcissists unconsciously seek it out time and time again. At a deep inner level they know that every significant relationship will fail, and they grind these relationships into the ground towards this conclusion mercilessly. By purposefully bringing about the end themselves, this grants them additional power and control. The ending always comes through one of four means: the narcissist retains the relationship, and it is completely disconnected emotionally, with the partner complying to every demand the narcissist makes whilst the narcissist pursues other partners outside of the relationship, or the narcissist pushes the partner away until there is no choice other than to leave the narcissist, or the narcissist creates the complete disintegration of the partner and then discards the corpse when there s no narcissistic supply left to gain, or the partner of the narcissist develops a severe illness and dies, or chooses to suicide. There s no beating this system it just is what it is, and narcissistically abused victims who have tried to change this reality, and don t want to accept the relationship is doomed, all become literal shells in the relationship, or become discarded shells or die - literally. Within my first narcissistic relationship I was a hair s breadth from becoming a fatality myself. It must be remembered, in amongst all of these startling and chilling facts, victims of narcissistic abuse do have the inner ability to heal their unhealed parts and have a self. Therefore for you, there is the hope and the opportunity to break away from this manic and soul-destroying dynamic in order to heal, empower yourself and recover. I and many other people have done so. 16 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

18 The narcissist, however, can t create an authentic self, and won t, and will meet the same inevitable conclusion that all narcissists meet a place which he or she has been trying to avoid. Having no energy left to procure narcissistic supply, and being left alone with a horrifying tortured self with no way to gain relief. It is then that the narcissist meets his or her maker and knows firsthand that the charade or his or her life, and the carefully scripted and constructed false self has all amounted to absolutely nothing other than the wasteland of having no authentic self. It s here that the narcissist is demised, because he or she wasn t able to beat the system that we all face: Without an authentic self, nothing is real, and there is no genuine love, happiness or pleasure in life. Generally this happens to the narcissist later in life, rather than earlier, but it does happen. Therefore, don t envy narcissists and think they have it all. None of what they have is real, or brings real feelings of fulfilment. The truth is: it is impossible for them to be genuinely fulfilled and at peace; they simply aren t wired that way, and that doesn t change regardless of how much material stuff, notoriety, acclaim or even fame and fortune they manage to get. Don t be tempted to try to save the narcissist from him or herself and this inevitable fate with the belief Love will conquer and fix all, because another truth is: the narcissist will resist all of these attempts, and in fact punish you for trying. He or she is disgusted by individuals who try to love him or her, and will detest you for it. The unconscious reason playing out within the narcissist is: How repulsive and wrong it is to try and love a nothing, an entity that doesn t exist. This makes me despise you even more. If you have been narcissistically abused, you ll recall the times when the narcissist looked at you and acted as if he or she hates you. You were shocked to see the narcissist s eyes 17 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

19 become empty and lifeless, yet full of pure contempt and rage. You have seen the total lack of compassion that is akin to being confronted with a reptile, devoid of any warmth. The narcissist is merciless at these times, and is a cruel, heartless machine. The narcissist despises humanity, yet knows he or she needs to feed on humans for energy. This reliance on the very thing he or she detests (the human emotions of compassion, love and conscience) makes the narcissist feel vulnerable, and further fuels his or her disgust with life, people and him or herself. Vampires similarly were depicted as hating humans intensely because of their reliance on them. It s no coincidence that the Vampire myth was inspired by the model of narcissism. Do some research on this fact and it will astound you. When realising the truth of what a narcissist is, as hard as it is to accept, and as much as your sense of humanity, normality and life as you understand it struggles to comprehend the facts you can start to accept there s no hope for the narcissist when they are displaying classic traits of NPD, and no hope that you can have any real relationship with them. If you can t accept this as truth ask yourself: Haven t I experienced behaviour, twists, turns, pathologies and actions that totally defy anything I ever believed to be human? If so, admit this to be true. Now, are you ready to accept that the lack of conscience and humanity that you ve seen firsthand is because you aren t dealing with what you know as human? The ultimate truth is narcissists aren t human not as we know human to be because they do not have the capacity, neuron brain pathways or desire (they despised normal human functions, believing they re pathetic) to operate with compassion, empathy, love and conscience. Without these components humanity isn t present. 18 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

20 Please understand the emotions compassion, empathy, love and conscience define humanity, and everything that is healthy, loving and connected about the human race. The absence of these emotions is the ultimate disconnection from humanity. It is medical knowledge that the brain neuron pathways of compassion, empathy, love and conscience are numbed out, shrivelled up, or severely arrested within a narcissistic individual s brain. These emotions simply don t operate. I certain agree with this theory that the only way an individual suffering with NPD could connect to these emotions is to be confined for an extended period of time without narcissistic supply, and be saturated with the stimulus of compassion, empathy, love and conscience repeatedly until these pathways re-activate, develop and catch up to the necessary level of development required for them to function healthily. For obvious reasons this is not going to happen...and if it could, how long would it take? Attempting to right the wrongs When we re viewing life through the model of humanity, we can t comprehend narcissistic operation. We may scream out to ourselves and anyone who ll listen. How can she / he do that?! I don t understand! That s terrible behaviour! as well as many other emotionally charged statements, and feelings of gut-wrenching disbelief. The narcissist s behaviour does not make sense to our humanity model, and we feel threatened, chaotic and extremely vulnerable regarding behaviour that just doesn t add up. This creates incredible hooks whereby we try to right the wrongs. We fight fruitlessly to make the narcissist get it and stop the behaviour that we are accepting by staying or trying to hang on. 19 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

21 We allow the narcissist to destroy us on so many levels, especially emotionally. Everything we believed to be true about people, ourselves and life is under siege. This suits the narcissist perfectly, because he or she knows that this will keep attracting you into the battle, and by trying to fix and change the behaviour, the narcissist can line you up in order to receive more narcissistic supply. The more aggrieved and incensed you become, and the more you try to fight for justice, accountability and decency, the more narcissistic supply you hand over. How do you know when you re being targeted and used for narcissistic supply? You receive untruths that torment you. You have discussions that are so twisted it feels like you re losing your mind. You continually feel like you are justifying yourself and explaining facts, values and standards of human behaviour that the narcissist simply does not acknowledge or apply. You experience cruel, uncaring and dismissive treatment that has no consideration for your emotional state. You re given false promises that set you up for hope, yet lead to profound disappointment which tears you down into further feelings of abandonment, rejection and despair. You realise that the narcissist wants it all his or her way, rather than trying to achieve healthy win / win outcomes. You feel like you in a competitive me versus you relationship whereby you are made out to be the enemy. None of your needs are taken into account, or are simply played upon in order to deceive you into handing over more self and more resources. 20 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

22 You re blamed for all of the problems. Even if there is an apology or a show of accountability, you feel it s hollow, and if you try to gain some sense of stability around it, you re met with major resistance, diversion or rage. You receive insane Jekyll / Hyde behaviour which can switch from loving to condemning and from dismissive to needy in a heartbeat. The narcissist will regularly accuse you of caring more, and giving more attention to other people and interests than him or her. The narcissist will denounce you to other people and tear down your credibility with other people in your presence, and / or behind you back. The narcissist will regularly bring up allies to back his or her story, (real or imagined) in order to gas-light you and diminish your faith in yourself and life. Information that you have disclosed to the narcissist, or was discovered by him or her about you, will be used as a weapon against you. The soul-destroying list goes on and on. All of these behaviours, as well as the many others in the narcissist s arsenal, all lead to MAJOR losses to your self-esteem. Staying attached and receiving and allowing the punishment and mining of energy, can only create, and does create, a total disintegration of self. You ve been conditioned and programmed, as a result of your unhealed parts, and your insecurities and fears by the narcissist, to try harder and harder to receive understanding, safety and decency, and the more hoops you try to jump through, the higher they get and the harder you crash. Whilst doing so, you provide the narcissist with malicious inner delight, as he or she watches you try to perform this impossible feat. It allows the narcissist to feel oh so important. 21 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

23 Evil is absolutely at play here. If you don t believe evil exists, it s time to get real, open your eyes and accept that it does. Just as there is hot and cold, up and down, night and day and all polar opposites that exist in physics in order to hold the balance of life together, evil is in opposition to Love, and it does exist. Evil quite simply is a dark place that is the absence of Love. Just as we could never know hot if we didn t know cold, or up if we didn t know down, we could never know what Love is if we did not know what the absence of Love is. The narcissistic model is exactly that the absence of Love. Just as we have no need to fix, change or eliminate down or cold in order to be up and warm, there s is no need to fix, change or eliminate evil. In fact it s impossible to do so. Whenever we struggle with and place our focus on anything in our life we become it. We take on its energy and make it all about us. Whenever we ignore energy that s not good for us, and place our energy on what does serve us instead, we no longer have unwanted and painful energy in our life. If you were to choose a holiday destination, you would be much more likely to choose Vanuatu rather than war-torn Beirut. You know the difference, but you have no need to go to Beirut and try to make it Vanuatu, when Vanuatu is a choice you could make for yourself. Accept this - love, safety, and healthy is NOT narcissism. You are looking for these things where they don t exist. You can t force someone to be what they simply do not have the resources to be. 22 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

24 Do you believe that you can make a crocodile play fetch, roll over and lick you while you scratch its belly? Have you ever heard the tale regarding a crocodile which convinced a forest animal he would carry him over the river and deliver him safely to the other side? Half way across the crocodile threw the forest animal up into his mouth and prepared to eat him. The forest animal squealed You promised! The crocodile said matter-of-factly just before his first bite, Yes, but I AM a crocodile. You re only option to get what you want is to let go and start making choices and decisions that align you with flying to the peace, warmth and pina colodas of Vanuatu, rather than trying to survive and dodge bullets in Beirut. If you re dealing with an individual who refuses to play fair, then there s no chance you re going to be able to fix them, force them or change them into being a decent person. You may feel that the success of your whole life hangs on this outcome. Rest assured it certainly doesn t. Shamelessly the narcissist is totally disinterested in coming into accountability, taking your needs into consideration and playing by the rules in order to reach a healthy conclusion. It isn t the healthy conclusion that he or she wishes for, it s the narcissistic supply. Get very clear on this: The narcissist is not interested in what you want in life. The narcissist does not want to give and receive love, and create a life of togetherness, safety and happiness. The narcissist wants to steal your energy and diminish you in order to feel better about himself or herself and knows no other way to operate. The narcissist can t comprehend winning without someone else losing. Win / win to them is unthinkable and does not compute. 23 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

25 It s not a great way for you to live. In fact it s a devastating way, and it truly is a life threatening deal for you with no happily ever after. The narcissist needs your anguish and pain, just as you are addicted to needing him or her to supply you with safety and decency, regardless of the fact that it s not happening. You and the narcissist are now the supplier and the users for each other in this toxic, destructive cycle of dependency. The drug is neediness. A relationship of two co-dependents, although disadvantageous, is better than this. At least there are two needy people receiving energy. The narcissist s bottomless pit of needing your energy, because he or she can t manufacture his or her own, is getting fed constantly by you, and you are getting nothing except the constant battering that ensures that you will hand over more and more supply. That s right. This means you will be emptied out all the way to your demise. The addiction to the narcissist is a horrific part of the abuse (because we continue to allow ourselves to be abused), and the addiction like all serious addictions is life threatening. Severe co-dependency and relationship addiction to a narcissist is incredibly serious. The results, until the addiction is healed and overcome, are dire and can be fatal. To understand more about the addiction that you have to the narcissist, you can watch my video series here. This series grants a lot of insight into how you can break the addiction cycle and start moving forward in your life. Just like any severe addiction, we have many excuses as to why we don t want to let go, we can t let go, regardless of how much damage we re sustaining. 24 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

26 Don t be fooled by thinking I have seen him / her be loving, and I know he / she is capable of being the person I want to be in love with. Or I know that this person WAS loving and kind, and therefore I know they DO have the resources. Narcissists know the actions that will attract you and make you fall in love with them, but they are feigned, they aren t real and they re not genuinely felt by him or her. They all have the agenda of securing narcissistic supply behind them. The narcissist was pretending to genuinely give, simply in order to get. Real substance requires aligned actions and consistency. The words I love and adore you, and You are the only person I ve ever truly loved, and I ll do anything to make this work (or any other version of undying love or commitment) carry very little weight when actions repeatedly surface that express the exact opposite. Real people follow through and demonstrate what they say. Real actions are a far cry from the declarations of false love that is delivered by a narcissist, followed by destructive words and actions, broken promises, and twists and turns that completely obliterate the previously feigned consideration. Be brutally honest with yourself, because the truth will always set you free. Regardless of the little bits of hope that you received intermittently, the rest of what s going on is destroying you piece by piece. How on earth can that be real love? The truth is it isn t. Can you understand how futile it is to try to make an unmakeable deal work? Being in narcissistic relationships feels like being a greyhound chasing a rabbit that we never catch, and we get more and more exhausted trying to catch it. 25 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

27 Just like the greyhound, we re running after something that doesn t exist. That s no real rabbit! The relationship we wanted with the narcissist never was what we thought it was, and we have no ability, and quite frankly no right to try to force it into becoming real. What we are here to learn in this instance is to become real and embrace: The reality of our life can never be gained from another person, because it s our responsibility. That is the liberation. What are the basic requirements of a healthy relationship? I have included the following points in this ebook for a very good reason, to awaken the knowledge within you, as a human being that you DO deserve decent behaviour, and decency is a basic requirement which many people on the planet ARE capable of providing. Clearly narcissists aren t. Luckily the odds are great for you in creating a life-partner who is emotionally mature and responsible, because out of all of the decent people on this planet, you only want one person as a love partner. So stop trying to change what isn t into what is, and start creating what is within yourself, so you can heal, and then you can attract, allow and maintain healthy people in your space. Then if you do that, if you work on your unhealed parts and heal, you will find out that people who are not a match for love, safety, support and integrity, you will easily let go of, and move on. This is exactly the process I put myself and others through, and the results speak for themselves. 26 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

28 These processes do deliver a fulfilling and joyous life. Easier said than done, you say but I can assure you that when you get clear and know how and why you need to live life by a model of honouring and healing yourself, its gets easier to do because you will align with what you really do want to receive in love, and then your life will start going right. When assessing how emotionally mature individuals operate, we can accept that anyone when hurt in the midst of relationship breakups and problems can act in non-appropriate ways yet certain underlying principles are foundational within an emotionally healthy individual s integrity. People who are healthy and do have Emotional Intelligence: Tell the truth. Will attempt to discuss matters in rational terms, and will seek to return to mature discussions even after problems. Have enough respect and care about the other person to not purposefully maim them. Try to achieve fair and equitable outcomes. Have consideration for the other person s emotional and practical needs and will attempt to support these needs. Take responsibility for their actions and behaviour. Will apologise full-heartedly when they overstep the mark. Have the capacity to be genuinely accountable. Have no requirement to seek and carry out revenge in order to feel better. 27 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

29 Realise that there is no upside in the goal of creating and experiencing a satisfying relationship by purposefully destroying their partner. Want a satisfying, loving, safe and healthy relationship. Have the ability to ask for what they need honestly, healthily and directly. If you have any doubt about whether or not you re dealing with a narcissist look at these two last bulleted lists carefully and honestly. They really are like chalk and cheese. An individual either operates from a model of decency or they don t, and if they don t narcissism is at play. Your version of thinking versus the narcissistic version of thinking Note: If the narcissist is a female please substitute him for her. The narcissist says you re unsupportive, don t love him and you don t care about him. YOUR THINKING: I do and I will try anything to get him to realise this. Why can t he get it?! NARC THINKING: I know you re going to try harder and harder for me to get it. Now I can continue treating you badly and you re going to hang around. It s me who doesn t have the ability to love, and by blaming you I can keep doing what I do. The narcissist telling you that you re unfaithful and can t be trusted. YOUR THINKING: I have no intention of playing up; you are the only person I want to be with. I have too much integrity to play up. I m so upset you think otherwise. NARC THINKING: This one really gets you going. I love seeing how upset you are about this. It also gives me an opportunity to do what I want, because you re going to push the point about how much you trust me and why can t I trust you. And even if you don t trust me you re going to be too busy worrying about what I think about you, to question me. 28 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n

30 The narcissist telling you that you re ripping him off and taking his money. YOUR THINKING: I am totally shattered by this accusation. It s you who has taken my resources and my life. How on earth can you twist this around and accuse ME?! NARC THINKING: I love it when I make it all your fault and accuse you and you get hurt. You deserve it and I m going to get as much out of this as possible, it s my right to do so. I don t care what happens to you, I just want what I can get. Any argument with the narcissist over details that don t make sense and he brings up and argues points which are ridiculous and painful to hear. YOUR THINKING: I know this particular point to be wrong, and the evidence is so logical that it isn t right. I m going to keep arguing this until he gets it and admits he s wrong. This is sending me crazy that he can argue about something so ridiculous and turn it into an issue that feels like I m arguing with a five year old. NARC THINKING: I couldn t care less about the specifics, the details, or whether or not it s right or wrong. In fact I d argue about a fly going up the wall if I knew it pushed your buttons and got a reaction. The more hurt, frustrated and distraught you get the more it makes me feel powerful and important. In fact I get malicious delight watching you turn yourself inside out every time I move the goal posts and confuse you. The false promises and the feigning of how the narcissist was just about to do the very thing that you wanted from him, but now because of something you ve done you ve ruined that chance. YOUR THINKING: This crushes me. I was so close and now he s taken it away again. This hurts so much and I am so devastated that he s making it my fault. It s so cruel and unfair. He s punishing me again. I feel suicidal. NARC THINKING: This one really is so much fun. I never had any intention of granting you what you want. In fact I hate seeing you happy because it reminds me of how I can t be. I don t want to give; I m only here to take. I only told you I would give you that to hook you back in. I want you to think it s your fault, and I know that you re going to hang around now and I can keep tormenting you with the promise of what I m never going to give you. 29 H o w T o D o N o C o n t a c t - 3 r d E d i t i o n