What is Narcissism and what is Narcissistic behaviour?

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1 What is Narcissism and what is Narcissistic behaviour? A Narcissist is someone who after taking the trash out gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house Have you ever got the sense that your partner thinks he or she is generally superior to you, or more entitled to things than you are? Does he or she find a host of ways to devalue you or ignore you? Does he try to control you? If so, you may be living with a Narcissist. Narcissism is considered a spectrum Disorder, which means that there are degrees of manifestation of the characteristics, so a person could have a couple of Narcissistic traits, right through to many or all, which means they would be closer to a Narcissistic Personality Disorder, as defined in the DSMIV. Generally speaking, Narcissism is a condition of an Inflated False Self, which gives him or her a strong sense of self importance and a grandiose image of himself. He enters into relationships entirely for the purpose of keeping his grandiosity reinforced, as a source of Narcissistic supply for himself. He will idealise those who mirror this for him and devalue anyone as soon as they don t. There is a real lack of genuine empathy for, or real interest in others, and a massive denial of his own problems, weaknesses, and vulnerabilities. So, here is a list of the many subtle and not- so- subtle characteristics of a Narcissist. The more you find in your partner (or yourself) the closer they (or you) are to the Narcissistic Personality Disorder end of the spectrum, which means the more difficult (or impossible) they will be to live with, or to maintain a healthy relationship with. How Can I tell if my partner is Narcissistic? The Narcissist Test (I have referred in this list to he as it appears the number of males to females are approximately 75 to 24%. However, please replace with she if this is more relevant to you. 1. One minute he appears loving and appreciative, the next minute he is putting you down, punishing you or giving you the silent treatment. 2. He feels entitled to special or preferential treatment because of who he is. 3. He lacks humility and will avoid admitting that he is wrong or to blame for anything. 4. You get the sense that he is always trying to gain the upper hand with you and others. 5. He always talks of himself in glowing grandiose terms. 6. He never admits his problems or insecurities. 7. He says words with such conviction, but you get the strange feeling that they don t represent the real or whole truth or are a distortion of the truth.

2 8. It s hard to feel completely relaxed and good in his presence. 9. He seems very agitated and angry when you are happy of your own accord, unless he has been the source of your happiness. 10. He often feels misunderstood by others. 11. He appears wonderful to outsiders but is often very mean at home to you and the children. (street angel/home devil) 12. He doesn t seem to have any real presence or depth to him. 13. He is most happy and delightful when you are admiring him and giving him adoration. 14. He is not honest or truthful. He will bend the truth to suit his own ends. 15. He doesn t understand you well at all. 16. He has no real empathy or compassion for you when you are distressed, or for any of your feelings. 17. You are starting to question your own truth and reality as you are being told how bad or wrong you are with such authority. 18. You are starting to believe his criticisms that you are no good as a person. 19. You notice that when you are away from him and with other people you feel so much better, happier and can have fun and relax. 20. He tells you untruths that torment you. 21. You find yourself in discussions that are so twisted that it feels like you are losing your mind 22. You often find you are trying to justify yourself and explain what you think reasonable people already know. 23. He says cruel, uncaring and dismissive things without any empathy for the hurt he is causing 24. He makes agreements that he doesn t keep, and then does not acknowledge ever making them. 25. You often feel he wants it all his own way, and is not really interested in finding a win-win solution. 26. You often feel that he is against you, and that you are being cast as the enemy.

3 27. He doesn t take any of your expressed needs into account 28. You are blamed by him for problems. 29. He undervalues contributions you have made, and overvalues his own. 30. He never or rarely apologises for anything he has done. 31. He is not accountable for his actions on many occasions. 32. He will rubbish and blame you to others, behind your back. 33. He will regularly bring in his allies (family and friends) to back up his view that you are to blame. 34. He will pathologise you to others, family and friends saying that you are not psychologically stable. 35. He will use sensitive information you have disclosed to him when you were vulnerable and trusting of him as a weapon against you. 36. He doesn t follow through on his promises. 37. He has no tolerance for even the slightest criticism, or even constructive advice. 38. When you need help, he gets depressed, angry or abusive. 39. His behaviour vacillates between very delightful and very mean and nasty. 40. To gleam praise from others he will appear helpful and generous. 41. You often get the sense that his criticisms of you are exactly what he is doing himself. 42. He doesn t seem to know or care how his behaviour hurts others. 43. No matter how much you do for him, it never seems enough to make him contented or happy. 44. He often refuses to play by the rules. 45. He is intensely jealous when there is no justification. 46. He is a pathological liar, and does not like to be pinned down.

4 47. He overestimates who he is and what he has achieved in his life in the past. 48. He is often erratic and unpredictable. 49. He tries to limit your contact with and enjoyment of others. 50. He doesn t like it when people other than him are receiving attention and praise. 51. He is extremely defensive when confronted or questioned and will often attack. 52. He uses guilt and manipulation to try to influence you. 53. He has little or no sense of conscience. 54. He believes he knows what you are thinking and feeling, and will inform you what that is. 55. He often interrupts you when you are talking, changing the subject. 56. He will inform you that the matter is resolved without you feeling it is for you. 57. He will refuse to discuss a problem you have brought up. 58. He doesn t sustain many close friendships. 59. He cannot work co-operatively or in teams. 60. You have noticed that he exploits other people 61. He doesn t admit he may have a problem, or ask for help. He is above treatment. 62. He avoids any real intimacy with you. 63. You don t get the sense that he has a genuine commitment to your welfare. 64. When you act with independence and autonomy, he is not happy, and tries to stifle this. 65. He rages when you disagree with him. 66. After he has tortured or belittled you, he will act with empathy to soothe you. 67. He never talks with you; he talks at you or lectures you. 68. You usually feel he is emotionally absent, and never fully there.

5 69. He cannot delay gratification. He believes himself to be deserving, and doesn t want to put the time into persisting. 70. He tells you in subtle or not so subtle ways that your perception of reality is wrong or that your feelings are wrong. 71. He seems irritated or angry with you often, even though you haven t done anything that you know of to upset him. 72. You often feel that issues don t get fully resolved so that you can feel happy and relieved. 73. You frequently feel confused, sad, frustrated or outraged because you can t get him to understand your intentions. 74. You are upset not so much about concrete issues, but about the communication what he thinks you said and what you heard him say. 75. He rarely wants to share his thoughts or plans with you. 76. He often denies things that you know he did or said. 77. He seems to take the opposite view from you on many things you mention, but the way he says it, your view is wrong and his is right. 78. You often feel unseen or unheard, and sometimes wonder if he perceives you as a separate person. 79. He is either angry or has no idea what you are talking about when you try to discuss an issue with him. 80. You feel abused or negated by him, but he insists how much he loves you. 81. When you try to communicate how you feel about something, you feel no empathy from him, or he negates your feelings. 82. He often frightens you with rage to silence you. 83. He often manipulates you by ignoring you or withholding affection. 84. You feel diminished by the time he finishes his conversation with you. 85. He always needs to be one up or right. 86. He attempts to define you eg You re only doing that for attention.

6 87. He blames, accuses, judges or criticises you. 88. He counters, blocks or diverts your conversation. 89. He confabulates, ie makes up something negative about you and speaks it as if it is the truth. 90. He will not ask for what he wants, so that you can negotiate fairly. 91. He will not respond at all to your requests, or will respond with frustration, or will only seem to respond, but not follow through. 92. Your attempts to enhance the relationship, improve communication, and find some happiness all lead to difficulties. 93. Whenever you try to explain that you are not thinking what he is saying you are thinking or doing, he will not hear or understand, or negates you in some way. 94. He behaves well towards you when you are of one mind with him, but the trouble starts when you express either different views from him or your own feelings. 95. The way he treats you has deteriorated radically since you became more settled together (moved in together, got married, started having children) How partners feel when they are attempting to have a relationship with a Narcissist. In a way that you often can t exactly identify as a partner of a Narcissist you can feel: Very disappointed and disillusioned about who he seems to be now, compared with who he was in the beginning of the relationship Confused because of the lies and half truths he continually feeds you Hurt and shell shocked because of the myriad of ways he belittles, criticises and blames you The relationship feels unrewarding because it never feels that he is really there, he can t be honest and it is not possible to share any real intimacy with him Unhappy because he always tries to undermine the happiness you create for yourself Untrusting of yourself because you don t know what to trust anymore, wanting a real and happy relationship but always feeling that it is not available to you

7 Intensely frustrating and exhausting when he can t be reasonable or honour agreements or work with you for a win-win solution Utter perplexity at how he can be so sweet and nice one minute, and so mean and callous the next Despair at the dawning realisation that he doesn t really care about you or how you feel How did you find yourself in a relationship with a Narcissist? You may be wondering why anyone would be masochistic enough to ever get themselves into a relationship with such a person; one that leaves you feeling so dreadful? But the truth is that things start off very differently. The narcissist is an absolute perfect delight right from the first day you start dating: wining, dining and gifts, nothing is too much trouble for him; your every whim is his desire; he is truly the perfect and charming partner. It is near impossible to resist a Narcissist on the prowl for sources of supply. They compliment and flatter, always present, always interested. Finding yourself in a whirlwind romance, he will appear all you have ever wanted in a partner and in a relationship, so much so that it all seems almost too good to be true, which of course it is. At this stage you are his prey ; he is an expert at contriving his behaviour to impress you, and being sensitive to what you are wanting, until he has snared you. He has you in his sights as his next source of Narcissistic supply, so all his energies, his shows of love, affection and fake empathy are committed to lure you. The transition However this impress the socks off stage doesn t last, and once he feels secure in the relationship (this happens most commonly at the 3 major transitions: when you move in together, when you get married, or when you start having children) there is no longer a need for making an effort. Without realizing it, you are now owned by him; you have crossed over into his self definition boundary. With this transition comes the expectation that you now are an extension of him. This dumbfounding change can be made almost overnight, or at a more gradual pace, but change it does. The Bubble One man described that for him it felt like he and his wife were in a big bubble that he had created as his reality. His wife had freedom, and all was happy, as long as she stayed in the bubble. There was room to move about so the illusion of freedom seemed real to her. But when she expressed an idea of her own, or any feelings, it was like she was stepping out of his bubble and stepping into her own. But he did not want her out there. He feared being alone with himself. He feared being with his feelings. So he tried to pull her back into his bubble, or worse, injure her so she could never leave, or

8 worse yet, disorient her so she can never find her way out. Whatever control measure or verbal abuse it took, getting her back inside the bubble where he could feel safe again was his primary objective. The Narcissist usually feels a great and strong love for you his partner, but this is in essence a control connection rather than real love. There is no regard for your individuality, no empathy or understanding, and usually an angry assault or the silent treatment, every time you show any signs of separateness or do not mirror his grandiosity. This leaves you feeling shunned, negated, unseen, unheard, trivialised, and, as a result, also very confused, sad, and often outraged that you have been so invaded or negated, every time you express your individuality. All the while he denies any wrongdoing, not being willing to recognise the devastating effects on you. What happens in a Narcissist s mind, and how did he or she become a Narcissist? Narcissism is based on an inflated false self, which has developed as a result of a developmental arrest in childhood. As a child, he withdrew inwards and resorted to grandiose fantasies of being superior, special, perfectly loved, self sufficient and self important. To keep his grandiose false self alive in his mind and his fears of abandonment at bay, he is in constant search for sources of narcissistic supply, an abundant fan club, which will supply him with positive attention, adulation and appreciation, and if that is not possible, fear from others will suffice. The more damage he sustained in childhood, the larger the grandiosity and the more severe the Narcissism, and the more donations are desperately needed from others to keep propping up the fantasy self. It is a constant and exhausting endeavour as he continually seeks to manipulate others to give him his required fix. He will do anything to get it, and won t let people s feelings or the truth get in the way. To keep this all going internally, he uses a combination of 6 defense mechanisms: 1. Splitting is the first one. This means he fails to regard anyone, including himself, as a composite of good and bad. Instead, he sees everyone as either all good or all bad. He, of course is all good, and you as his partner begin by being all good which has him idealising you, and internalising you to support his grandiosity, but as soon as you fail to do this, you become all bad and he immediately devalues you, with the resulting punishment in various forms metered out.

9 2. Dissociation & altered perception. Narcissists often recall things very differently from healthy people, or fail to recall things at all if they don t resonate with his superiority. 3. Rationisation is the assertion that a flaw doesn t exist, or if it does, it isn t the Narcissists. ( There is nothing wrong with me. I never have problems ) These rationisations can be very convoluted and obscure, as they often fly in the face of observable facts. 4. Projection is the curious strategy whereby the Narcissist is subconsciously aware of what he is in fact doing himself, but projects it onto you, with the result that you then get blamed for exactly what he is doing himself, and he casts himself as the blameless victim. 5. Denial is simply the assertion that something is not so, when ordinary observation or common sense confirms that it is in fact true. Anything that doesn t reinforce his grandiose image will be denied. The Emperor has no clothes and he can t be told. 6. Blame shifting is what happens when the Narcissist insists there is nothing possibly wrong with him, so all the blame must be attributed to you or everyone else in the world. How did you become a willing victim? Why you? If you find yourself in a relationship with a Narcissist, at some stage you might wonder why you? What does this say about you, your tolerance for pain and your sanity? It is true that there is a particular kind of person that finds themself with a Narcissist, at least often well beyond the first indication that there is an underlying nastiness in him. The kind of person who seems to unwittingly attract a Narcissist is someone who has Borderline characteristics, (which has also been referred to as Co-dependent or compliant) and has a deflated false self. Thus you have a tendency to blame yourself for things when they are not actually your fault. In Transactional Analysis terms, a Narcissist s underlying Life position is I m Ok, You re Not OK, whereas a Borderline s underlying Life Position is I m Not OK, You re OK. Interestingly and importantly, a Borderline s profile is less defended that the Narcissist, and less destructive to others, and therefore closer to achieving a healthy relationship, if you can gain true insight into what is happening and what is going wrong in your relationships and be able to develop a stronger identity and boundaries. If this is you, during your childhood, as you were developing your real self and identity as an individual, your mother was deeply challenged by your emerging separate self. It often happens that she or your father was a Narcissist. So whenever you expressed your real feelings, needs or wants, you were abandoned, criticised or blamed. So you learned that in order to survive and experience any form of love and attention, you had to abandon yourself and toe the line.

10 As a result your individual identity may have been severely compromised. You most probably didn t have the opportunity to: - Develop your own deep truth and reality - Form healthy boundaries to keep out unwanted and unhealthy influences - Feel your real feelings - Be aware of your needs and wants - Have permission to explore your desires and creativity This often leads to an underlying depression which feeds the belief In order to have love, I have to avoid self activation and I am not entitled to genuine love and also my own full self expression. When not in a relationship, you may feel empty, as you have not been given the experience of growing your real identity, (which is a composite of your truth, feelings, needs, wants, desires, passions and boundaries) So, when in a relationship you may cling and try very hard, minimise your feelings, needs and wants, as well as hold yourself back from being assertive in what you want, and even believe what your partner is saying over what you may think is the your truth, and trust him over yourself. Borderlines also often have a sense that if anything is going well, it won t last. In addition to these personal characteristics, there are other reasons why you can get caught up and remain in a Narcissist s web; 1. You assume that there is good will, that your partner really does want to understand you, and when he doesn t, it is because you haven t been able to explain it fully enough. 2. The Narcissist usually expresses great love for you, and also shows love in other ways with gifts and kind things, so it seems inconceivable that he would also be trying to devalue your thoughts and feelings. 3. The nasty events usually happen in private, and as well, there is usually a complete denial of any wrong doing by the controller, so your suspicions are never validated by anyone else, so you can feel you re going crazy, or perhaps over reacting. 4. The Narcissist can very often turn it around and project it onto you, so you are then blamed for something he or she is actually doing. You can start questioning your sanity. 5. Frequent assaults over time can tend to normalise these acts in your mind, and you can begin to question yourself. 6. The Narcissist has usually been so lovable up until the transitional point that it is very difficult to rationalise such a change in him, and you keep thinking back to when you was so loving and attentive.

11 7. You can believe your partner is rational, and has often made a wrong assumption about you, and when you explain it to him, then he will understand. (However you find that no matter how much you attempt to explain your view, he never understands. This is because he is not there to understand, he is there to distort your view.) 8. You have not been aware of such a thing as Narcissism, verbal abuse and controlling measures, and though even though you have felt hurt and frustrated and confused, you haven t understood what has been going on. 9. You can think your feelings are wrong. 10. Your partner can be good at times and not at others, adding to the confusion. 11. The abuse can be subtle, with the control increasing gradually over time, so you gradually adapt to it. 12. You can sometime be so stunned or thrown off balance to be able to think clearly about what has just happened. What can you do if you are living with a Narcissist? If you are in a relationship with a Narcissist, in his mind, you are an extension of him and he always wins (even when he loses). This is his delusion, not yours: so his eruptions of temper and ego and his devaluations and guilt are sharp and designed to cut you to the core, leaving you wounded. So, in an overall sense, you will experience problems with his lack of honesty, humility and empathy for your feelings. Also, he will have difficulties with intimacy with you. Honestly sharing your thoughts, feelings and desires with each other makes the Narcissist very scared and vulnerable, so he will avoid it. He is unable to relate to other people other than in terms of his own inflated self image and his unrealistic projections of himself onto others, so as his partner you are expected to provide adulation and perfect responsiveness. When you fail to do this, you can expect to be devalued, by raging, blaming or the silent treatment. These rapid vacillations between absolutely overvaluing (and idealising) you, and then completely devaluating you make a healthy relationship almost impossible to sustain. The best advice is to be aware of and recognise what is happening and stand up for yourself on each occasion. How effective this strategy will be will dependent on your commitment to not back down, and his degree of Narcissism. Most partners find that standing up for themselves in the relationship is fraught with difficulties, as often the Narcissist will double and treble his defensive responses when you start to do so, in order

12 for you to retreat to the way you were, so realistically, most partners find that the support of a good counsellor/psychologist who understands these challenges is usually needed. Can our relationship be helped? If both you and your partner are committed to make your relationship a healthy and happy one, then I believe this is worth working on. Finding a Psychologist who is familiar and experienced with these conditions is important as Narcissism can be notoriously difficult to pick up in a few sessions if the Psychologist is not trained in this. (Education on Narcissism is taught in Psychology courses but does not fully explain the widespread occurrence of this condition, and also the full ramifications of this, particularly to the partner) The success of relationship and marriage counselling depends on many factors, but is largely due to the commitment of both partners to see their patterns and contributions, and be willing to change. Your partner s ability to do this will depend on his level of Narcissism. You will often not know how willing you and your partner are to do this until you attempt to do so. You will be able to see for yourselves over 3 to 6 sessions what real effort each of you are putting in to see the problems, own your contributions and make changes. If, after reading the information here, you feel you are definitely living with a Narcissist, I suggest you come to the first session (or book a Skype session) on your own. If you feel your first choice is to work on your relationship, then we can then follow this first session with a session with your partner individually, then commence couples sessions with both of you. I also suggest that there is a Plan B in place, so that after an agreed on number of couples sessions, if you feel you are not achieving the changes and results you want, then you continue coming to sessions on your own to look at your options and be supported in doing your own work of rebuilding your Identity, boundaries and new life. If not, how can you be helped? Individual Empowerment help for you as a Partner If you would like help in breaking away from your Narcissist, then we can assist and support you in doing so also. It can be a profound act of self love to accept who he is and to step away for your own well being. As you leave a Narcissist, most partners go through the 5 phases of grief: Denial, rage, bargaining, sadness and acceptance.

13 Without the support of a helping knowledgeable Professional, many partners find it very difficult to get past the denial stage, or repeatedly go back to their partner (In the bargaining stage,) or can become stuck in rage against their partner. Additionally, it is very easy to unwittingly attract another Narcissistic partner into your life in your next relationship if you haven t been able to look at your patterns of why you have attracted, accommodated and tolerated this kind of behaviour. Therefore it is important to understand, process and learn from this painful experience, so that you are rewarded with a stronger sense of self, compassion and are able to move on to a mutually beneficial real loving relationship in the future. Our Recovery program involves 12 steps: 1. Insight and a thorough understanding of the dynamics of what has been happening in your relationships. 2. Uncovering and expressing your feelings and having these feelings and experiences validated by someone who understand what you have been experiencing. 3. Process these emotions and recognise these patterns from past relationships, including your parents. 4. Discovering your genuine needs and wants as an individual and in a relationship. 5. Managing your emotional self on a daily basis. 6. Learning to build healthy boundaries with others where you care for but don t take on emotional responsibility for anyone other than yourself. 7. Rediscovering your own intuition and trusting it again, rather than your partner s negative views of you. 8. Encouragement to believe in yourself again and recognise your magnificence. 9. Recognising and managing the desire to go back to the unhealthy Narcissist. 10. Learn the ability to recognise the difference between real love and fake love. 11. Help redesign your life from the inside out, trusting in yourself and who you really are. 12. Moving onto a new relationship ensuring a healthy love. Narcissist screening test. If not, how can the Narcissist be helped? Narcissists are usually extremely satisfied with themselves, therefore it follows that they see no reason to come for counselling or help when they do not need any. The fact that they are causing huge problems for others around them does not tend to enter their consciousness. Here again, it really depends on how severe their narcissism is. The more defended a Narcissist, the less likely he will see himself with a problem, and the less likely he will stick to therapy. A severe Narcissist will usually only admit to a problem when he has been abandoned, and feels destitute and devastated, when he feels he doesn t want to feel any more of this pain. Even when he does attend therapy, either as couples counselling or on his own, there can be a lack of follow through and continuation beyond a few initial sessions, and his behaviour can revert easily.

14 Having said that, therapy is really the only way a Narcissist has to help himself lose his over inflated Grandiose self, his underlying anxiety and develop a true self with the resulting contentment and happiness that this delivers. This needs to be initiated (and acknowledged) by the Narcissist and I believe is worth trying, even if results are mixed.