Hunting for the Good in Others

Transcription

1 Hunting for the Good in Others Aaron Sironi Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation Praise is everywhere is it in your relationships? Do your relationships consistently include genuine praise and affirmation? Healthy and growing Christian relationships should be full of encouraging & edifying affirmation! It s hunting for the good in others and declaring this through praise, affirmation, and commendation. Ask Yourself: In which of your relationships is godly praise/affirmation most difficult? Why it that the people closest to us are often the hardest to praise, while the people we know the least are so often the easiest to praise? What gets in the way of consistently growing in this area? Why is this so hard? What we hear culturally about praise/affirmation Americans are affirmation junkies and approval addicts. In the classroom, in our marriages and at work, more often than not, our motives are all wrong when it comes to praise and affirmation. What we re NOT talking about: 1 of 11

2 How to get people to like us and how to manipulate what WE want from others through praising people around us. Is this really what we re talking about? Affirmation Ratio = Put 5 affirmation DEPOSITS INto your relationship before making 1 critical or corrective WITHDRAWAL from your relational bank account. But relationships do not equal checking accounts. 5 Love Languages one language being Words of Affirmation. Usually, our motives are driven by a give- to- get mentality. This view often is a greedy one - Give me what I crave or else! Anyone can get away with praising someone without loving the person. But as believers, we must never love someone without praising him/her. This could wrongly imply that some people should receive affirmation while others really COULD live without it. Definition Praise and Affirmation: Genuinely being alert to evidence of anything God says is good, anything that conforms to his ways, and anything that resembles love and service. It s noticing God s handiwork, his character, and Christ- likeness in another person - AND- Declaring this for the purpose of encouragement, refreshment, and edification. Our goal is something more precious, more edifying than mere compliments...words that actually spur one another on to faith and love. Premise 1: The problem lies with me If I m stingy with praise & affirmation, it truly says more about me than it does about the people around me. C.S. Lewis in Reflections on the Psalms observes: 2 of 11

3 The humblest & healthiest people often praise the most while the most dysfunctional & discontented people praise the least. Praise & affirmation seem to be inner health made audible. BIBLICAL LOVE LISTENS FOR, HUNTS FOR, AND POINTS OUT THE GOOD THINGS IN OTHERS. Examples from Scripture: Corinthian Church and Paul: The Corinthian Church had loads of serious issues! However, Paul GENUINELY ENJOYS them and communicates this clearly even in the midst of some pretty bad stuff. Moses (Numbers 12:3) Now the man Moses was very meek, more than all people who were on the face of the earth. Job (Job 1:8) A blameless and upright man, who fears God and turns away from evil. Gideon (Judges 6:12) O mighty man of valor. Nathaniel (John 1:47) Here truly is an Israelite in whom there is no deceit. Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:21) Well done, good and faithful servant. God loves a generous heart b/c it s a heart like his own heart. (A Generous Heart, Sovereign Grace Music) What s the theological basis for finding good in any sinful being? 1. EVERY person is created in the image of God. His image persists, in spite of sin. 2. No matter where a Christian is in the process of sanctification, this person is growing in his likeness. 3. Everything GOOD in a person comes from the Lord and reflects his goodness, his work. (And God s work deserves praise.) Illustration: Leaf By Niggle by J.R.R. Tolkien 3 of 11

4 What do I see when I look at the incomplete & imperfect painting in my neighbor? What captures my attention? The failing parts of their life and the spots where sin is very evident? OR Do I notice the glimpses of beauty and praise, and affirm God s handiwork in the unfinished painting? Are my eyes generous and full of faith or nearsighted and dull? Why is encouraging through praise and affirmation so important so worthwhile? Thoughts from Bill Smith s Loving Well (Even If You Haven t Been): It s a mindset that pays attention to what a believer is becoming more than it pays attention to the areas of failure. It s God s job to complete the work he began in us. It s his responsibility to purify and grow us. KEY CONCEPT Our Aim: to catch glimpses of that final beauty as it shows up today (in another s life). I see God s Spirit at work in your life. Don t give up. Keep working. (If you don t see God s Spirit at work repent and ask God to give you eyes that see more clearly.) 4 of 11

5 We are prone to lose heart. Therefore: The Christian needs another Christian who speaks God s Word to him. He needs him again and again when he becomes uncertain and discouraged, for by himself he cannot help himself The Christ in his own heart is weaker than the Christ in the word of his brother; his own heart is uncertain, his brother s is sure. (Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together) We get discouraged and need a fellow Christian to be seeing evidence of good and saying, No, I see Christ s work in you. I see his growing character in your life. Key Clarification We are not talking about flattery or puffing up. We are to commend the commendable. We are to praise the praiseworthy. We are to affirm that which is a fruit of the Spirit, a virtue of Christlikeness, an evidence of God s growing image in another. Why? To strengthen & refresh! It s there. All we have to do is open our eyes. A good idea until we start to try it Premise 2: It s a struggle often to praise/affirm others So why do I struggle to praise/affirm others? This is less about lacking skill or ability or personality, and more about a lack of vision/desire. It s not often on our radar. CRITICAL INSIGHT Praise naturally flows from what we enjoy and delight in. We commend what we value what we care about. The question then becomes: Why don t I value and appreciate the people around me more? 5 of 11

6 Why do the PSALMISTS continually tell us to praise God? He is NOT vain or craving affirmation. When we are in God s presence, we spontaneously declare his praise, are full of gratitude, and make ourselves glad in him. Painting masterpiece illustration praise is the natural response. Diagnosis: It is a matter of the heart not valuing, not enjoying, not caring enough for those God has placed in our life. Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. (Matt. 12:34) - or- Out of the scarcity or drought of my heart my mouth is silent and stingy. Question: So how do we grow in valuing and enjoying the people God has placed in our lives? Definition: To Enjoy is to be moved by the good we see and experience in others. (I borrowed this definition from Ed Welch.) What to Hunt for: 1. Godly Character & Virtue: Fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self- control, etc.) 2. Abilities & Talents: What is this person good at? What are this person s strengths and assets? 3. Interests (passions) & Concerns: What does this person care about? What excites or distresses this friend? Alasdair s Secret: 1. Ask, What has this person already heard? 2. Get off that beaten path (of what this person has already (likely) been praised for) and be thoughtful & creative. 6 of 11

7 An Honest Question: But what if it s really hard (for me) to value and enjoy this person? Definition: Compassion is being moved and affected by the hard (the suffering) in a person s life. (Yet another borrowed definition from Ed Welch) Premise 3: If we lack compassion for a person, it s nearly impossible to genuinely enjoy and encourage him/her. When I m unmoved by a person s limitations and suffering, I see only the persons failures, flaws, and characteristic sins. Another example from Tolkien s Leaf By Niggle. (Compare the two voices. ) Now the Niggle case, said a severe voice. What was the matter with him? said a Second Voice, a voice that you might have called gentle, though it was not soft it was a voice of authority, and sounded at once hopeful and sad. What was the matter with Niggle? His heart was in the right place. Yes, but it did not function properly, said the First Voice. And his head was not screwed on tight enough: he hardly ever thought at all. Look at the time he wasted. A bad case, I am afraid. The Second Voice said, But, of course, he is only a little man. He was never meant to be very strong there are some favorable points you know Niggle thought that he had never heard anything so generous as that Voice. It made [the gentle Voice] sound like a load of rich gifts, and the summons to a King s feast To hear that he was considered a case for Gentle Treatment overwhelmed him, and made him blush in the dark. It was like being publicly praised (Excerpts from pp ) The First Voice sees only sin, failure, and deficiency, while the Second Voice sees all the same facts but with gentleness, generosity, and compassion. We always get off track when we see a person merely as a sinner and not also as a sufferer. 7 of 11

8 A Question to Ponder: Knowing people, in all of our wretched and shameful failings, how does God enjoy and show compassion to us? Psalm 103 As a father shows compassion to his children, so the LORD shows compassion to those who fear him. God s enjoyment and compassion comes from a father s heart. There is a fatherly tenderness and sympathy toward us. For he knows our frame, how we re formed that we are dust. God never loses sight of our frame and that we are finite (not divine). He knows exactly how we re wired and what we re working with. Our Father always keeps in mind our limitations and weaknesses. Whenever I m failing to see good in another person, I can ask myself: Am I taking seriously this person s burdens and hardships and limitations? If I struggle to affirm and praise others, it s probably because I m not enjoying them or being moved to compassion for them. Key Truth: At the very heart of God s character and image (the same image I bear) is grace and compassion. Therefore, if I struggle to enjoy and have compassion for someone, we must take this seriously. HERE S A RULE OF THUMB: We must see the good AND the hard in a person, even as we mercifully see the bad. We must never see the bad without simultaneously seeing the good and the hard. 8 of 11

9 A Helpful Mindset: Seeing and treating people like family. (Romans 12:10) It s the difference between the love & compassion we have for: Our parents vs. our in- laws Our own children vs. their classmates Our siblings vs. our co- workers Isn t it true that when we strive to behold and treat one another like family we re able to hold on to the good, the hard, and the bad? We are moved to enjoyment and compassion. What happens in our hearts when we only fix our eyes on the bad (the sin) in a person s life? Our hearts turn in self- righteous judgment. Premise 4: When we lack compassion, we self- righteously judge others. Do not speak evil against one another, brothers and sisters. The one who speaks against a brother or judges his brother, speaks evil against the law and judges the law. (James 4:11) The Royal Law in Leviticus 19:18 is the law that James refers to: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. When tempted to stand over a person in judgment, ask yourself: With what standard, tone, and attitude would I like others to judge me? This is compassion never seeing the sin apart from the hard, the limitations, the suffering and never seeing the sin without seeing the good. 9 of 11

10 Jonathan Edwards contrasts humility with spiritual pride: Pure Christian humility causes a person to take notice of everything that is good in others to make the best of it and to diminish their failings. As spiritual pride disposes persons to assume much to themselves, so it also disposes them to treat others with neglect. On the contrary, pure Christian humility disposes persons to honour all men. It s pride and arrogance that keeps us from praising others. Pride makes us full of ourselves and empty of appreciation for the good in others. It s pride that leads us to speak to and about others from above rather than from below or side- by- side. Hunting Metaphor The difference between a good hunter and a great hunter: 1. Be really quiet: In hunting for the good in our neighbors, we have to quiet ourselves and become better at observing others. We have to be alert and on the lookout for evidence of God s work. In other words, we have to train our eyes off of ourselves and onto those around us. 2. Be aggressive: As we re quietly and intentionally observant of others, we ve got to take the shot. Don t wait for your neighbor to be perfect this side of glory he ll never be perfect. Don t wait to praise/affirm or you may forget. 3. A full- time endeavor: We have to make it a daily and full- time mission of observing, practicing, and building others up. 10 of 11

11 Conclusion In 1942, CS Lewis preached a sermon called The Weight of Glory that was later published. Lewis says: It is hardly possible for [a person] to think too often or too deeply about [the potential glory] of his neighbor. The load, or weight, or burden of my neighbor s glory should be laid daily on MY back, a load so heavy that only humility can carry it, and the backs of the proud will be broken. There are no ordinary people Next to the [Lord s Supper], your neighbor is the holiest object presented to your senses. If he is [a] Christian he is holy in almost the same way (as the bread/wine), for in him also Christ [truly hides] the glorifier and the glorified, Glory Himself, is truly hidden. We help one another on to glory by seeing the glimmers of that which is hidden yet truly present. Let s become experts at seeing glimpses of Christ s character, God- given talents and gifts, and good interests/concerns. When we praise and affirm one another, we experience a foretaste of glory divine in that each of us will one day hear the praise & affirmation of our heavenly Father, Well done, my beloved good and faithful servant. For Further Study Practicing Affirmation: God- Centered Praise of Those Who Are Not God by Sam Crabtree (Crossway 2011). Many of my thoughts were stimulated by this excellent book. It s an easy read and will stimulate your imagination while giving you a treasure chest of practical suggestions. John Piper humbly wrote the foreword (which alone is worth more than the book will cost you). JRR Tolkien, Leaf by Niggle C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory Bill Smith, Loving Well, Even if You Haven t Been Jonathan Edwards, The Works of Jonathan Edwards Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together Matthew C. Mitchell, Resisting Gossip 11 of 11