"Weird Intimacy" (Sex) Series / #1: Adultery / March 18, 2012

Transcription

1 "Weird Intimacy" (Sex) Series / #1: Adultery / March 18, 2012 Okay, yesterday was St. Patrick's Day, so I have an Irish joke for you. This Irishman named Murphy went to confession and admitted to the priest that he'd committed adultery. The priest says, "Was it Mrs. O'Connell the butcher's wife?" Murphy said, "I promised not to reveal her name." So the Father asked, "Was it Mrs. O'Flaherty, the banker's wife?" Again Murphy said, "I can't tell you her name." A third time the Father asked, "Was it Mrs. Mc Duff, the mechanic's wife?" Murphy said, "For the final time Father, I will NOT reveal her name." As he was walking out of church a friend said, "Hey Murphy, how was confession?" "Not bad," he replied, "I got 5 hail Marys and 3 new leads." Believe it or not, that joke actually relates to our theme this morning. We're going to kick off this series on Weird Intimacy / Weird Sex by talking about adultery. It's one of the big ones. Right there, number seven of the ten commandments. This is kind of funny, back in 1631 some guys in England were reprinting the King James Bible and they left out just one word by accident I think. Here it is: "Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt commit adultery. Thou shalt not steale." Did you catch it? Leaving out that little word "not" makes a pretty big difference! They called it "The Wicked Bible." They cancelled the printing, collected the copies they could find and burned them, and revoked the printer's license. But a few got out, and they are still around. In fact, I suspect that a version like this would be a best-seller today. Now before I get started let me define some terms. The Bible talks about immorality, and it talks about adultery. Immorality includes any kind of sexual sin: adultery, homosexuality, pornography, friends with benefits, cohabitation, prostitution. It's basically any kind of sexual activity outside of marriage. Adultery applies specifically to married people. Adultery is engaging in sexual behavior with anyone other than our spouse. And it's not just physical intercourse. Jesus says that a man who looks with lust at a woman other than his wife has already committed adultery with her in his heart. And these sins, immorality and adultery, are big sins. Commandment #7: "No adultery," "Be faithful in marriage." One Bible translates it, "Do not do sex sins." We know it says that, but we don't obey very well, do we? I was trying to find good stats on this stuff; it's not easy. But it seems like most experts believe that about 65% of us husbands, and 55% of you wives commit adultery by the age of 40. They say it touches about 80% of our marriages. And if I can define adultery the way Jesus does, that number goes way up until it includes just about all of us, and just about every marriage. And guys, these sins destroy. They destroy marriages,

2 they destroy kids, and they destroy our life with God. God isn't against immorality and adultery because he's a prude. He's against them because they corrupt and destroy what he loves. Do you buy that? Most people, most Christians don't plan on having an affair. I have performed a whole lot of weddings. And I think in every one of them I have asked some form of this question: "Will you love her, honor her, comfort and keep her, and forsaking all others (forsaking all others) be faithful (only) to her (how long?) as long as you both shall live." And we always answer, "I will. I promise. That's my intent, my goal, my dream." Sometimes the bride and the groom like to tweak the vows. But I've never had one say, "forsaking most others I will be 98% faithful to you until I find someone else, better." We don't plan on cheating on our spouse. Well, maybe some guys do, some ladies do. There are some who think faithfulness is quaint. One of their goals is to sleep with as many girls as they can, or snag a hotter guy if they can. But good men, good women don't plan on cheating, we don't plan on drifting away from our spouse and pursuing another. So why do we do it? Let me give you several reasons. #1: We have a spiritual enemy whose mission is to steal, or corrupt, or destroy anything that matters to God. We believe in a spiritual enemy who hates God, and who hates you, who will twist things around so it looks like God is the one who is screwed up, like God is the one who wants to hold you back from pleasure and happiness. He's a deceiver, he's a liar, and he is really, really good at it. #2: We live in a world that is at war with God and in love with sin. We live in a world that laughs at God as impotent, or quaint, or an old prude. We live in a world that embraces sin as normal, and calls God's way weird. #3: There are two things about us that make us susceptible to this sin. One is pride. Some of us actually think, "It could never happen to me, it could never happen in my marriage." That's foolish pride. And when we begin that drift towards adultery, we have this remarkable capacity to rationalize, we make excuses, we justify ourselves. We have this amazing ability to convince ourselves that right now, for me, this sin is the right thing to do... I have read quite a few analyses of how Christians become adulterers. I was 7 digging around on the internet last week and one article was particularly intriguing. It's called "The Anatomy of Adultery," by a guy named Keith Drury pretty sharp guy. He says, "How does adultery happen? (Christian) People don't just decide one day to hop in bed and be unfaithful to their spouse." He says, "Satan draws a person into adultery one tiny step at a time," he gradually sears

3 our conscience, convincing us that one more tiny step won't hurt us. What caught me about his article was that it was almost entirely quotes from church people. This is the path Christians followed into adultery; and this is what they say, looking back, with such intense pain, and remorse, and regret. It usually begins with someone who shares some common interest with us. Maybe we work in the same office, go to the same church, have the same life group; maybe our kids play on the same ball team. "We just had so much in common, it was uncanny." "He was so spiritually-minded... I'd been looking for someone to share my spiritual struggles with." "She was the first woman I'd ever met who liked the outdoors, even hunting and fishing -- I was fascinated!" And at some point we start comparing this person with our mate. "My husband wasn't interested much in spiritual things, but this man knew so much about the Bible." "She was slim, attractive, and dressed sharp -- quite a difference from my wife who didn't take care of herself much at that time." "My husband just would never communicate -- he'd come home from work and just sit there watching TV. I finally gave up on him. Then this man came along who was worlds apart from my husband -- he was gentle, loved to talk, and would just share little things about his life with me." ** Is it adultery yet? The next step on the path is when we discover that this new person actually meets some of our emotional needs. They offer respect, value, encouragement. "He understood how I was feeling and offered me the empathy I was hungering for." "No one had ever really believed in me until he came along. He encouraged me, inspired me, and believed so deeply in what I could become." "My wife was busy with the kids and not at all involved with my work. This girl admired me and treated me like I was really somebody. It felt so good." ** Ever been there, done that? Then not only do you start looking forward to spending time with the other person, you find your mind drifting towards them when they are not around. "I would think of being with her the whole time I was driving to work." "I found myself thinking of him as I got dressed each morning, wondering how he would like a certain outfit or perfume."

4 "Every time I drove by her house I would think of her and how we'd see each other that Sunday." ** Is it adultery yet? Then there are these tinges of dishonesty with your mate. We start telling little white lies, to protect our spouse (right?), to protect ourselves, actually. "When my wife would ask if she was with the group I'd pretend I couldn't remember... right there I started building a wall between us." "Whenever we got together as couples I would act like I didn't care about him, and afterward I would even criticize him to my husband. I guess I was trying to hide my real feelings from my husband." "Once my wife asked about her, but I denied everything, after all, we hadn't done anything wrong yet. Now I see that this was one of those exit points where I could have come clean and got off the road I was speeding down." ** Have you ever lied to your spouse to hide your feelings for another person? In the early stages the relationship is platonic (we tell ourselves), then it drifts into flirting and teasing. Instead of a glance, the eyes linger; instead of a touch, the hand lingers. "I could tell from the way she looked at me. She would gaze directly into my eyes, then furtively glance down my body then back into my eyes again -- I knew then that she was interested in more than my friendship. But, I was so flattered by her interest that I couldn't escape." "Then we started teasing each other, often with double-meaning kind of things. Sometimes we'd tease each other even when we were together as two couples. It seemed innocent enough at first, but more and more we knew it really did mean something to us." "He had those killer eyes. When he'd look at me in that "special way" I would just melt. It was hopeless fighting my urges -- he had me." ** Is it adultery yet? Most people who are doing it don't think so; most of their spouses do think so. At some point the conversations become personal. They become an emotional confidant. Words that belong to a spouse are given to another. "We would talk about things -- not big things, just little things which he cared about, or I was worried about." "I was so lonely since my husband died and hungry for someone to share life with. Then he began to call just because he cared. I loved hearing his caring voice at the other end of the line, even though I knew he was married." "We spent so much time together at work that I swear she knew more about me than my wife ever did -- or even cared to know."

5 ** Can you see where this is going? Those in it can't. As the emotions get deeper, so do the touches. An arousing touch, or squeeze, or hug. "He never touched me for months. Then one night after working late, we were walking toward the door when he said 'You're so special, thanks for all you do..." then he turned and hugged me tenderly, just for a second. I loved how I felt for that moment so much that I began to replay it over and over again in my mind like a videotape. Now I know that I should have stopped it all right then. I never intended to ruin my family like this." "He would often pat me on the shoulder -- you know, in appreciation for a good job I'd done. But I knew it meant more than that." "Every time she shook hands with me at the door she seemed to linger, sort of holding my hand more than shaking it. No one else would notice, but I knew there was more to her touch than appeared to the eyes. She knew too." ** Is it adultery, yet? Even the most callous here has to admit lines have been crossed. Sometimes there are special little messages, or special little gifts. "He would write these little encouraging notes and leave them in my desk, pocketbook, or taped to my computer. They didn't say anything which could be traced. If anyone found them they wouldn't suspect anything. But we both knew what was going on, we just didn't want to stop yet." "1 would sometimes call him and leave a short message on his answering machine. He would leave little notes in my Bible." "He would buy me a little gift -- not that expensive, but it always showed he had taken extra thought to get exactly what I liked. Of course everyone else thought he was just being a good boss." ** By this time we are brain dead. The farther we go down this path, the more irrational we get. We are quite skilled at fooling ourselves into thinking there is nothing really wrong. We begin to create excuses to call or excuses to meet. "I started figuring out ways I could drop off something at her house when her husband was gone. He and I knew each other and I would always return borrowed tools in the afternoon when I knew she'd be there alone." "I would wait until the end of the workday then I'd call him just before closing time about something I'd made up as a 'business question' and we'd talk."

6 "She started arranging her schedule so that her husband dropped her off at committee meetings. I would hang around and offer to take her home, acting with as much nonchalance as I could muster up." And then it gets more overt, as we arrange secret meetings. "We started arranging to work evenings on the same nights, then we would leave early and meet each other in the dark parking lot." "I started making sure he knew my travel schedule so we could attend the same conferences. We still weren't involved physically at that time, but there was such excitement and romance to it all... even the secrecy.seemed to make it more exciting." "She would sometimes call me just before lunch and we'd sneak through a drive-up together, and then spend the rest of my lunch hour talking quietly to each other." ** By this time we have played out in our minds all of our spouse's inadequacies. We have convinced ourselves that we need this new person in our life. After all, we have a right to be happy, don't we? And I don't think I ever really loved my husband, or my wife at least like I love this one. It moves to deceit and cover-ups. "Pretty soon my whole life was full of lies. I'd lie about where I was going, where I'd been, and who I'd been with. The more suspicious my husband got, the better liar I became. But he knew something was going on. It's hard to lie without people suspecting it." "She would ask when I'd gotten off work. I'd simply lie about it, and she never knew what hit her. How can I ever regain her trust now?" "By now my whole life was a lie, so I began telling them regularly to cover up our little meetings." ** There is nothing physical yet, but there's nothing wrong, right? Come on! If the sex hasn't started yet, it's not far away. First, the kissing and hugging. "The whole thing seemed so exciting by now. I was such a fool. We were meeting secretly and both of us were fearful of being caught. But that only seemed to increase our common ground. When we'd meet, we would embrace as if we'd not been together for years." "Once we started meeting secretly the end came fast. We kissed and hugged like two teenagers going parking for their first time." "It just felt so good to be hugged and loved by somebody who really cared about me." Then the petting. "At this point my glands took over. I forgot reason altogether and was willing to risk everything for more."

7 "It was like I was a teenager again -- going too far, then repenting and promising to do better; then just as quick I was hungrily seeking more sin." "At about this time I began fooling myself into thinking I was heroic for not going "all the way." That's what I wanted to do. But by doing "everything but" I fooled myself into thinking I was successfully resisting temptation. What I didn't realize was that, not only was what I was doing wrong, but that eventually I would take the next step. It's just not possible to freeze a relationship -- you have to go ahead with it, or break it off totally." And finally, the intercourse. "Soon I quit resisting and was swept into outright adultery." "One thing led to another and finally we ended up in bed with each other." "One night we couldn't seem to stop ourselves (at least we didn't want to) so I completed my journey of unfaithfulness to my husband -- I had sex with this man." When did it become adultery? Once it became physical? Once you wanted it to become physical? Or way back when you started to give to another the attention and the intimacy that belongs only to your husband or your wife? I suspect that the moment we begin to replace our spouse with another in any way, a line has been crossed. Guys, some of you are in relationships right now that cross the line. Some of you need some radical honesty, and some heartfelt repenting this morning. We'll get there. So what do we do? How do we fight this stuff it's so powerful, so intoxicating, so corrupting. Listen to what the Bible says in the book of Proverbs. It says, "The lips of an immoral woman are as sweet as honey, and her mouth is smoother than oil. But in the end she is as bitter as poison, as dangerous as a double-edged sword. Her feet go down to death; her steps lead straight to the grave." (Proverbs ) Guys, that's the cost. That's the end of the path. So, it says, "Stay away from her! (Break it off now, right now) Don't (even) go near the door of her house!" (Proverbs 5.8) How do we fight this stuff? Run away! It's not about trying to find the line so you can go up to it but not step across. If you are looking for the line, you'll cross it. Guys, our passion is stronger than our will. Jesus said, "Our spirit may be willing, but our flesh is weak." If we start down the path, it's nearly impossible to stop. So don't start. Run away! If you are already on it, turn around and run away.

8 More specifically, I'm going to give you four prescriptions, as fast as I can. Are you ready? Prescription #1: (This is for you single folk) Fight for premarital purity. Our ability to be faithful in marriage is shaped by our desire for purity as a single. The apostle Paul says, "Flee sexual immorality." "Run from sexual sin." (1 Corinthians 6.18) That's that grab-bag word that includes you singles. It's about porn, sexting, heavy petting, premarital sex, friends with benefits, cohabiting, homosexuality. Guys, save it for marriage. Sex is God's gift to marriage. In marriage it's safe; in marriage it's pure; in marriage it builds up, instead of tearing down. And let throw a couple ideas at you. Guys, immorality before marriage is another word for premarital adultery. When you singles commit sexual sins today, you are cheating on the person you will marry later. You are giving away your marriage partner's exclusive rights to your body. And listen, guys, when we choose to live outside God's standards before marriage, we condition ourselves to violate God's standards later, in marriage. We are shaping our character. If you keep on giving in to sin as a single, it will be that much harder to say no to sin when you're married. And it will tear you apart, and your kids apart, and the one you promised to love forever apart, and it will rip your life with God apart. Fight for premarital purity and it will be a war, because our world will think you weird, and inundate you with temptation. Prescription # 2: Fight for marital purity. Guys, we wallow around in the dirt and wonder why it's so hard to stay clean. The apostle Paul says, "Flee sexual immorality." "Run from sexual sin." (1 Corinthians 6.18) Which is so hard, because it's all around us. The internet has brought porn into virtually every home, and the number of us getting caught up in it are staggering. If you are struggling with porn, there are porn filters that will not only block the sites, but send a report of where you've been to a couple friends who will hold you accountable. Multiply the temptation of porn times all the cyber sex, and chat rooms on the internet. Guys, run away. Please! And we need to do a little more screening of our TV, don't we? Some shows are just... bad. At my house I just won't buy all those movie channels. I find temptation easier to fight if it's not so readily available. Movies, we need to be a little more careful. Ladies, even movies like Twilight give you the opportunity to fantasize about the forbidden. Multiply that by some of your soaps. Come on, we can do better. Run away from sexual sin. And we have to be so careful with our other sex friendships. They are not bad; they are cool. You ladies can have guy friends and you guys can

9 have lady friends. But if you sense yourself taking even the first steps down that path run away. If we want to, we can develop feelings for someone other than our spouse quite easily. But we can choose not to. We can choose to run away when we start to feel that tug. We don't have to "follow our heart." That's a lie from hell. Fight for premarital purity; fight for marital purity. That's going to be hard, in a world where that kind of quest is mocked. Prescription #3: Invest in God. This one is huge. Guys, in the face of sexual temptation, we always push God away. We have to. But if you want victory in your battle with sin, you need God. Guys, temptation is stronger than we are; our will to sin is stronger than our will to be pure. We can't defeat our sin; but God can. If we stay in the word, if we stay connected with other Christians who can keep us accountable, if we respond when God convicts us of sin, we'll find the strength we need to win this war. Invest in God. When people start drifting towards adultery they almost always start drifting away from God. You keep pursuing God, and he'll keep you sane. Last one, prescription #4: Invest in your marriage. I love the way Groeschel puts it. He says, "When the grass starts looking greener on the other side, water your lawn." The Bible puts it like this: "Rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love." (Proverbs ) Some of you guys are thinking A loving doe? A graceful deer? Maybe a few years ago, or a few decades ago, but that's a bit of a stretch now! Some of you ladies are thinking A powerful buck? A majestic stag? Maybe a few years ago, but his parts don't fit together quite like they used to. But the point is this: keep drinking from your own well, keep watering your own lawn. A man and a woman can have a powerfully good marriage, a powerfully sensual marriage for a lifetime, if we keep investing in our marriages. Ladies, sometimes you are the ones to mess this up. Sometimes, in our culture, wives take pride in telling their husbands "no," and you starve your husbands sexually. Ladies, the male sex drive is powerful, persistent, and normal. It's how we were wired by God. Research tells us that if a man doesn't have sex a couple times a week, he'll start getting frustrated, it will impact his relationship with you, and it will make him more susceptible to temptation from others. Ladies, your guys are fighting a war, and sometimes you make it a whole lot harder on them. A great Christian counselor, Kevin Lehman, put it like this. He says, "Most women underestimate the male sexual appetite. As a counselor, I am now prepared to tell this to young women who are contemplating marriage If you are not willing right now to make a commitment to have sex at least two to three times a week for the rest of your life with this man, then don't marry him." Most of our Christian

10 husbands are starved for sex; and then belittled by Christian women for their stumbles in this war. Ladies, you need to water your lawn. But guys, sometimes you mess this one up too, in so many ways. Some of us guys invest more energy in our work, than in our marriage. Some of us guys invest more energy in some guy friend than in our wife. And I consider that adultery. I think a lot of guys in this room have formed adulterous relationships with other guys in that they invest the kind of time, and energy, and passion into a guy friend that should be going to your wife. That's sin. Guys, we need to water our own lawn. This is serious stuff, guys. The Bible says, "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's (weird) holy people." (Ephesians 5.3) The Bible says, "Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." (1 Corinthians ) These sins will not only bring you pain, and shame; they will not only tear up the people you love, and your kids; they will tear you away from God. They are not worth it. Okay. Let's wrap this up. Immorality and adultery: I'd be surprised if there is anyone in this room who hasn't battled these sins in the past, or who isn't battling one of these sins right now. For the past, guys, there is grace. We have an amazingly gracious God. Ask his forgiveness, and accept it. But some of you are battling those sins today, hard. And some of you are losing. Some of you are way down that path of adultery. The further down the path you are, the tougher the decision you have to make. What I will ask you to do today, what God is challenging you to do today, may be the toughest thing you have ever been asked. Run away from the one who is pulling you away from your family and your God, and run back to your God, and your family. Some of us need to do some confessing to God this morning; and maybe even to a spouse. Some of us need to do some repenting thing morning; that means turning around and going the other way. Some of us need to leave here different than we came in. Let's pray...