O Be Careful Little Mouth (Part 2 of 5)

Transcription

1 August 14, 2011 College Park Church O Be Careful Little Mouth (Part 2 of 5) What You Say About Others Ephesians 4:25-32 Mark Vroegop 25 Therefore, having put away falsehood, let each one of you speak the truth with his neighbor, for we are members one of another. 26 Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, 27 and give no opportunity to the devil. 28 Let the thief no longer steal, but rather let him labor, doing honest work with his own hands, so that he may have something to share with anyone in need. 29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear. 30 And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31 Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. 32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you (Eph 4:25-3 ESV). Have you ever been busted with something that you ve said about someone? I have. And it is something that I will never forget. I was in college and a roommate of mine was in the middle of a nasty relationship break-up. My roommate had been in a serious relationship for about a year, and it looked like things were over. He was emotional, really hurting, and sought my advice because the situation had gotten complicated and messy. You see just a few days after breaking up, his girlfriend (let s call her Amy) began hanging around another guy on campus (we ll call him Andrew). My friend was livid and for good reason; it appeared as if Andrew was playing what we called a rebound if you know what I mean. Andrew was playing the compassionate, listening friend but it looked like a lot more than that. My friend wanted to confront him and call him out. He sought my advice. I told him, Look, Andrew is not the problem and confronting him is not a good idea. That was good advice. But then I added, Honestly, he seems a bit shallow to be doing this. You need to move on. The next day I was sitting in the cafeteria enjoying my dinner when Andrew put his tray down right across from me. I greeted him. What he said next made me nearly choke on my Shepherd s Pie: I understand that you think I m shallow. Busted! After swallowing my food, I suggested that we go on a walk where I tried to explain why I said what I did. Apparently my friend had another argument with his former girlfriend after our conversation, and he quote me as saying Andrew is shallow. In the end, I just simply had to acknowledge what I had done. I apologized profusely, and I never forgot the painful lesson about being busted when you say something you shouldn t. O be careful little mouth what you say about others. 1

2 Talking About Our Talk We are in the middle of a five week series on how we talk. We are trying to learn what God s word says about how we use our tongues. This is an important topic for us because talking is something that we do all the time. Last week I walked us through James 3 which helped us to understand four points: 1. Words are important words = maturity 2. Words have power small things create big problems 3. Words can wound full of deadly poison 4. Words are revealing we reveal our spiritual inconsistency And then, if you were a part of the 1,700 people watching the LIVE 11 videos you learned that there are some really important questions to ask yourself before you open your mouth. Think of these like verbal speed bumps, and hopefully all of this has helped you to think about your thinking and to think about what you are saying. Today we are going to dial into one aspect of how we talk. We are going to talk about how we talk about others. We are going to specifically look at two texts: Ephesians 4:29-31and James 3:13-4:2. These are just two of many texts that address the critical issue of how we talk to others. Both Paul and James approach the subject from different angles and perspectives, but they drive home the same point. Paul approaches the tongue from a theological framework to live out the theological reality of who are (the new self Eph. 4:24) through how you use your mouth. James targets the internal sources of sinful speech (passions at war within you James 4:1) as an example of a faith that doesn t work. When you put both Paul and James together, you get very helpful instruction from both angles on how to deal with the tongue. What is the Motivation for Good Words? Dealing with how we talk with others has to start with the right motivation. Paul talks about the tongue in the context of what it means to be a follower of Jesus. Listen to what he says in the opening of chapter four: 4 I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, 2 with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, 3 eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. 4 There is one body and one Spirit just as you were called to the one hope that belongs to your call 5 one Lord, one faith, one baptism, 6 one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all (Eph. 4:1-6, ESV). So Paul starts out talking about how to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called (v 1), then directs them to the singular nature of their hope (v 4), and finally to the beauty of God s supremacy (v 6). In other words, the motivation for everything including how we talk is how it fits with this divine calling upon our lives to make much of God and be a part of his 2

3 program. Words are only truly good when they advance this aim of glorifying God, and Paul presents his pastoral concern for words under the rubric of the supremacy of God who is over all, through all, and in all. And this is not the only place where the glory of God is central to the motivation for right words: And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus (Col 3:17, ESV) 3 Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, 2 to speak evil of no one, to avoid quarreling, to be gentle, and to show perfect courtesy toward all people. 3 For we ourselves were once foolish, disobedient, led astray, slaves to various passions and pleasures, passing our days in malice and envy, hated by others and hating one another. 4 But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, 5 he saved us (Titus 3:3-5, ESV). Good words are godly words the kind of words that advance the mission of God s glory in the world. I know that this seems so basic but it is really important because there is a real possibility of using words that could seem helpful for others but the real end-game is to help yourself. Take for instance Dale Carnegie s book How to Win Friends and Influence People. Carnegie lists 12 things that his book will do for its readers. Included in that list are: Enable you to make friends quickly and easily Increase your popularity Help you win people to your way of thinking Increase your influence, your prestige, your ability to get things done So it is possible very possible for the definition of good words or kind words or soft words to be really skewed. Therefore, we have to see the way we speak to people as motivated by bringing glory to God. Any other motivation will alter the definition of what is truly helpful. It will cause you to be less than honest out of the fear of man or it will cause you to be overly blunt because it gets the point across. God-honoring words are sometimes tough and painful even costly the person saying them. They can be quiet and soft. The unifying factor is the motivation. The starting point of how we talk to others is to ask ourselves what our ultimate goal really is and how that relates to God s purposes and glory. We have to begin with a commitment to have our mouths be instruments of His. To say, God I want my mouth to honor you! How Should We Talk to Others? The Bible lists many different examples of sinful speech, but Ephesians 4:29 gives us a very helpful categorical term that I think is really helpful. This verse gives us a broad category that helps us better understand when our words cross the line Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear (Eph. 4:29, ESV). 3

4 The key is the phrase no corrupting talk. The Greek word here is sapros, and it means something that is rotten, decaying, spoiled, or worthless. Jesus used the word to link a bad (corrupt) tree with bad (corrupt) fruit. But he also connected this analogy to how we talk: 43 "For no good tree bears bad fruit, nor again does a bad tree bear good fruit, 44 for each tree is known by its own fruit. For figs are not gathered from thornbushes, nor are grapes picked from a bramble bush. 45 The good person out of the good treasure of his heart produces good, and the evil person out of his evil treasure produces evil, for out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks (Luke 6:43-45, ESV). Rotten words are like rotten food. John Piper lists four characteristics of rotten fruit that directly applies to rotten, corrupting words: 1. It does not nourish rotten fruit doesn t strengthen, improve or help 2. It will probably make you sick rotten fruit will be destructive if you choose to eat it 3. It smells bad and creates an unpleasant atmosphere a small piece of rotten fruit can spoil an entire room 4. It probably comes from a diseased tree bad fruit comes from bad trees 1 And I would like to add one: 5. It affects the whole bowl one piece of fuzzy fruit can ruin a whole bowl So when I put all of this together, I think that the overall tone of how we should talk to others is to be marked by spiritual helpfulness. Rather than using rotten words, our words should be nourishing, life-giving, creating a positive atmosphere, and infectious in all of the right sense. In other words, they should be the kind of words that give grace to those who hear (Eph. 4:29). I remember being in an ethics class is seminary when I learned a very important moral equation: X is good because X is willed by God. The same is true for our words and how we talk about others: words are good when they reflect the will of God. This is important to remember because at first the Bible might not seem to be consistent with how we are to communicate. There is no blanket rule. A few examples of the contrast: Speak evil of no one (Titus 3:2) Demas, in love with this present world has deserted me (2 Tim. 4:10) The Lord s servant must be kind to everyone correcting his opponents with gentleness (2 Tim. 2:3) Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees blind guides you serpents, you brood of vipers (Matt. 23:13-33) Wisdom that is from above is peaceable, gentle, open to reason, fully of mercy (Jam. 3:17) 1 4

5 Rebuke them sharply (Titus 1:13) Mark Driscoll, reflecting on this, says that the Pastor has a varied task with his words which includes: 1) feeding the sheep (the church), 2) rebuking the swine (the unrepentant), 3) shooting the wolves (false teachers), 4) beating the dogs (legalists). 2 Do you see the challenge here? Nice and kind words might not be truly nice and kind. Speaking no evil can be used by some to not be honest with someone. So the issue here is more than just the words and tones. When I was looking up the definition of corrupting, I found help in the word unserviceable. I take it to mean that corrupting words are not words that serve people well. And if I put that together with the context of Ephesians 4, it seems that bad words are those words that do not serve or help glorify God. Therefore, the central and defining mark of good words is whether or not they are spiritually helpful. The call here is to be kind, gentle, blunt, honest, sharp, and considerate while being spiritually helpful to the people to whom you are talking. So we must ask ourselves: What is my motive for saying this? Am I using the right tones and words to move this person toward godliness? Do I have their best interest in mind? Are my words spiritually helpful and not needlessly hurtful? If you get this you will, no doubt, feel the enormous need for God s help, and you should also clearly see how radically different a follower of Jesus s words will be if they are passionate for the glory of God in their life and the lives of others around them. What are Unhelpful Words? Thankfully God s word does give us some additional clarity as to what kind of words and attitudes should be avoided, put off, and are clearly not helpful. Let s consider a number of them and see if these are showing up in our lives. Paul lists a number of issues in Ephesians 4:31and the context is clearly in regards to how we talk: Bitterness a smoldering resentment, grudge-keeping attitude, a spirit of irritability with a particular person Wrath wild rage and strong passion Anger an internal smoldering and determined anger Clamor shouting, outcry of strife and a public outburst Slander the defamation of someone that comes from a bitter heart 2 See MarkDriscoll, How Sharp the Edge? Christ, Controversy, and Cutting Words in John Piper and Justin Taylor, The Power of Words and the Wonder of God, (Wheaton, Illinois: 2009),

6 Malice a general term for evil, speaking in way to bring someone harm 3 I wish that was it. But the Bible gives us more examples. Ephesians 5:4 lists a few more: Filthiness talk that is degrading or disgraceful, and dirty (particularly in regards to sexuality) Foolish talk the Greek word is morologia (moros stupid, logos word), worthless, silly, look-at-me talk Crude joking turning the innocent into the obscene, innuendo, and double meaning The book of Proverbs (11:13, 26:28) adds two, and I love Tim Keller s definitions of these: Gossip Saying something behind someone s back what you d never say to their face Flattery Saying something to someone s face what you d never say behind their back James 4:11 and 5:9 give us two and connect them to the problem of judging: Speaking evil to belittle, to mock, to hurt, to harm, to attack a person s motives or character Grumbling a more subtle speaking against where a person hints at the flaws of others, areas of disagreement with tones, body language, or innuendo 4 This is a devastating list, isn t it? And the real problem is that every one of us knows that we have been guilty of these sin issues. They are so ugly, and yet they happen so quickly and so often. You know what I mean. A conversation was going along just fine until with one small word, a tone, or a gesture the whole environment changed. It went from nice to nasty in an instant! What s more, we know better! Not just because the Bible tells us that this is wrong. No, we ve personally experienced the pain of the very things that we do to other people. We ve been slandered but we still slander. We ve been grumbled about and we still grumble about others. We swore that we wouldn t blow up like Dad did but we re doing it. We know what happens when we try to be funny at the party. Our mouths get us in a lot of trouble! However that is only the tip of proverbial iceberg! Where Do Hurtful Words Come From? This is where James helps us immensely. Paul approached the issue theologically (who you are); James approaches it internally (your passions). After talking about the tongue in James 3, he gets 3 Definitions taken from John MacArthur, The MacArthur New Testament Commentary Ephesians, (Chicago, Illinois, 1986), For a great article on this subject see: 6

7 to heart of what is behind the awful things that we say about others, and in doing so he helps us see what is the ultimate solution in James 4. James asks, Where does all of this come from? 4 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions (James 4:1-4, ESV). We ve heard Jesus say that words come out of the heart, but James adds something more here. He gets us to consider what our hearts are actually saying. James drives us to our desires and what we want. The quarrels and the fights are just the external manifestation of what we desire, what we want, what we are passionate about. James tells us about an internal war that is taking place within the heart of every person. He identifies that there are desires within our hearts and when those desires are not met according to our rules, our plans, our ideas, or our timelines - sinful actions and words take place. Don t miss this! Our sinful words spring from frustrated passions. We don t deserve to be hurt, so we get bitter. We don t like being hindered, so we get angry. We re tired of certain people, so we slowly burn. We don t want to lose an argument, so we shout. We don t want people to get away with it, so we slander others. We want people to think better of us, so we gossip. We want people to think we re nice, so we flatter them. We think we re better than others, so we speak evil against them. Or we think that we could do a better job, so we grumble. Lurking underneath the surface of what we say about others is this world of personal passions and desires. And the battle to control the mouth starts with looking honestly at what is really going on in the motive, passion, and desire category. Why are you speaking evil? Why are you saying bitter words? Why are you grumbling? And what does it say about which kingdom you are really living for? Paul Tripp summarized this so well: I want. I want. I want. I want. I want. I tend to live in the claustrophobic confines of my own little selfdefined world. I was not designed to live that way. I was created to live in the big-sky country of the glory of the kingdom of God with expansive borders beyond anything I could imagine or want for myself. My life was structured to be directed not so much by my desire for me but by the desires of Another for me. But I not only want to live in my little kingdom, I want to co-opt the people around me into service of my kingdom. 5 Tripp then gives an illustration that is way too close to home: 5 Paul David Tripp, War of Words: Getting to the Heart in in John Piper and Justin Taylor, The Power of Words and the Wonder of God, (Wheaton, Illinois: 2009), 34. 7

8 Let me take you to an all-too-typical family scene. Its 10:30 at night and the children you put to bed at 9:00 are now fighting in their beds. You start down the hallway, feet heavy on the floorboards. You re probably not saying, Thank you, Jesus, for this wonderful opportunity, part of the work of your kingdom. I so love redemption. I love this opportunity to be part of what you are doing. Instead you are probably saying, They re dead! And you burst into your children s room and say, Do you know what my day s been like? Do you have any idea what I do? I don t ask for much just children who are from earth. Why, I bought every shred of clothes you put on that back of yours. I bought every morsel of food you put in that big mouth of yours. I made your Christmases happy. As you are ranting, do you think that your children are saying, My this is helpful here is a person of distinct wisdom I am so glad that he came into my room I think I m seeing my heart? No, your children gain little from the encounter and can t wait until you get out of their room. Let s examine the emotion that is propelling you at the moment. You re not angry because your children have broken the laws of God s kingdom; if you were, that righteous anger would go in a very different direction. It would the anger of grace, the anger of wisdom, the anger of instruction, and the anger of correction. No, you re angry because your children have broken the laws of your kingdom, and in your kingdom there shall be no parenting after 10:00. 6 Ouch! Do you see where these hurtful words come from? I hope so because if you really do, then you ll know where to go to deal with them to Jesus. He s the one who can change the orientation of our hearts such that we live for His kingdom, not ours and for his glory, not our own. Being careful with what we say about others requires that we are motivated by the glory of God, that we are fearful of where our sinful passions could take us, and that we are determined, with God s help, to not be hurtful in what we say. Our passion, under the banner of the Lordship of Jesus, should be to use words that fit with God s plans and will, words that are helpful not hurtful. College Park Church Permissions: You are permitted and encouraged to reproduce this material in any format provided that you do not alter the content in any way and do not charge a fee beyond the cost of reproduction. Please include the following statement on any distributed copy: by Mark Vroegop. College Park Church - Indianapolis, Indiana. 6 Ibid. 8