THE YOUNG MAN OF GOD AND HIS PARENTS

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1 THE YOUNG MAN OF GOD AND HIS PARENTS It should be the goal of a young man of God to have a good, harmonious, loving relationship with his parents. If he does not, he must immediately resolve, with God s help, to work on himself to improve it. Why should a young man of God strive to improve his relationship with his parents? A. What would be 1. The purpose? 2. The reason? 3. The advantage? As we will soon discover, there is a purpose, a reason, and an advantage for any young man to improve his relationship with his parents. 1. Purpose: To please God 2. Reason: That things will go well for him 3. Advantage: That he may have long life Let us consider two benefits found in the Word of God: Honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. (Ephesians 6:2-3) So that things go well for you So that you may have a long life God wants you to do well: That you may be a prosperous young man That you may be a happy young man Everyone wants to do well, but there is a condition for that to happen. Therefore, try to get along with your parents and things will turn out well for you. B. The young man who improves his relationship with his parents will see better days ahead. The ability to treat your parents well is essential to succeed in life. Mark Matlock, who ministers to youth pastors and students, has said that whether you like it or not, the way you treat your parents will become a cornerstone for the rest of your life. Consider Matlock s advice, for it is vital for the future of a young man: It is key to a prosperous life. 1 of 13

2 Theodore Roosevelt said that the most important ingredient in the formula for success is to know how to treat other people, and that the closest persons that any young man sees as soon as he opens his eyes as a newborn, are his parents. To have a healthy relationship with them is the key to getting along with people. So start well in this endeavor and you will end well what you start. Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you. (Deuteronomy 5:16) C. Why do parents fight with their teenage children? 1. Here are two different perspectives: Which one concerns you more, a or b? a. You want to know how to make your parents back-off a little, give you a little more space, lecture you less, allow you to do more things, and treat you as a young adult and not as a child. b. You want to know what to do in order to please your parents more, to get them to trust you more, to have them spend more time with you, to have them be proud of you, to reach a higher level of communication and dialogue with them. Which of those two perspectives you think will yield a better result? 2. A clear reality You cannot control the way or how other people treat you, and that includes your parents. You cannot make them give you more space, nor force them to give you their approval, etc. That can dishearten you, but listen to this: Your parents have the same problem with you. In this case, I would tell your parents, You know what? You can no longer control your teenage children. So what could be done? How could both parents and their teenage children move on to the next level? Fortunately, the Word of God can help the family in this regard. 3. This is how it all started When you and your parents started life together at the time you were born, all you had to do was cry and your parents took care of all your needs: feed you, change your diaper, keep you warm, etc. They were there for you 24/7. And they could also do with you whatever they wished. They chose what you would wear and what they thought convenient according to the climate. And if you tried to do something dangerous, they were there to stop you. 2 of 13

3 Things began to change as you were growing up. Your parents started allowing you to make your own decisions. You also noticed that there were limits to the free rein they were allotting to you, because your parents were not going to allow you to do everything you wanted every time. That relationship worked well during your formative years. Your parents tried their best in giving you every good thing possible because they had great dreams about your future. The more you changed, so also changed the relationship with your parents. Puberty reorganized your system and your priorities. Consequently, you began to worry more about what your friends would think than about what your parents would think. Having the approval of your peers was more important to you. The acceptance of your friends clashed with the acceptance of your parents. This created a conflict in the home. Suddenly you began to challenge your parents decisions. You questioned their logic. You talked back to them demanding to know why, what was so wrong, what was their problem. The confrontations caused bad blood between you and your parents, and anger flare-ups increased as a natural consequence of the strain. Positive reactions are vital in this situation. How parents react Some parents increasingly become more strict trying to control a child that they deem is becoming more and more defiant. Others, fearful of losing the friendship of the child, turn permissive and allow them to get away with almost anything. Still other parent try to find a balance between ruling their child with an iron-fist or completely giving in to their every whim. And while attempting to find a common ground, at times they lean towards one extreme or the other. D. The Commandments of God for parents You should be aware of the advice God has for parents and what He expects of them. But before we go into it, perhaps you are wondering why you need to know that at all. So I want to share with you three reasons why you need to know the duties God expects from parents. 3 of 13

4 Because you should be aware of how difficult parenting is. Because in order to build a healthy relationship at home, you need to look at the situation from your parents perspective. Because it is necessary that you first know all that God expects from your parents before we begin to discuss what it is that God expects from you. Your parents may lecture you too much, or are too strict, or reprimand you excessively. That could be because they are trying to fulfill their duty as parents, and in their efforts they could make some mistakes. So consider the following analogy: A football team needs to be aware of the strengths and flaws of the opposing team as a whole and of each integral member of it. The difference is that in the relationship with your parents the goal is not to win over them, but to win them over. And when you get along with your parents, the three of you are now part of the same team. The result is a win-win situation for everyone, and harmony is restored to the family unit. Family members should fight for each other, not against each other. E. What God tells parents to do 1. Instruct their children The work of the parents is to instruct their children in the knowledge of God and the affairs of life. No one is more qualified to do this work as parents are. Regarding God s Laws, this is what the Bible counsels: Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Write them on the door frames of your houses and on your gates. (Deuteronomy 11:19-20) God gave parents the task of transmitting these teachings to their children as part of their daily lives, whether they are sitting at home or in the car, when they are going to bed and upon arising, when inside or outside of their home. Those are God s wishes. It requires great responsibility and commitment to teach children to eat, walk and talk; to instruct them about colors, animals, plants, and to count; and also to make them aware of dangers and risks. But first and foremost parents teach them about love, respect, obedience to God, service to humanity. And further, children need to learn about universal values like honesty, integrity, loyalty, respect for authority, etc. 4 of 13

5 Yet you might have complaints about all of this, like: My parents just don t understand. They think I m still a child. I hate the way they try to control everything I do. Why won t they listen to my side of the issues? Why do they have to make everything so difficult? Why they can t they get that I just want to be left alone? 2. Discipline their children. No one likes to be punished or disciplined. We don t like being told: no. When we were small we didn t like to be spanked. When we were a little older, we didn t like being punished by not being allowed to go out to play, or use the telephone or the Internet, or play video games or watch television. And in our late teen years, we didn t like it when our parents didn t let us drive the car just because they were angry. But surprisingly, parents do not like having to punish their children. In fact, years after the hurt from the spanking is long gone and the child is now an adult, he might even laugh about it. Yet the sorrow of having had to discipline their child might still be alive in the hurting spirit of the parent. Why do parents discipline their children? Because the Word of God calls them to do it. Because the world understands that children need discipline to be better. To not discipline our children would be foolish, reckless and something potentially harmful. Mark Matlock Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them. (Proverbs 13:24) Discipline your children, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to their death. (Proverbs 19:18) These verses are a call to parents to be sober about their children s future. Yet it is difficult for children to see discipline as an act of love. Though it is true that some parents take their discipline to the extreme and are too strict, and may even cause physical harm to their kids, yet most parents discipline because they do love their children. 5 of 13

6 3. Parents do not exasperate your children. Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. (Ephesians 6:4) Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. (Colossians 3:21) Paul warns parents to be careful not to abuse their power. By being unfair, or too strict, or hypocritical, or hypercritical, or meager in showing approval or giving compliments, parents have the power to exasperate their children. F. The commandments for children Let us now consider God s requirements for children: 1. Obey your parents Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. (Ephesians 6:1) The word right is the above text depicts what is good, proper and just. And the word obey means to comply with rules and regulations. Some persons in our modern society avoid using the word obey for fear of angering someone. In our culture the idea of being obedient could potentially offend some people. Misconceptions about obedience How could I bring myself to do something I don t want to do just because someone in authority asks me to do it? Why should I submit to authority? Why is it that anyone can tell me what to do or not do? You are not my boss, why are you bossing me around? In many young men, the idea of obedience could actually cause them emotional distress. a. Obedience and authority Obedience and authority are correlative terms, which means that they are so related that one implies or complements the other. Thus one cannot exist without the other. We obey anyone whom we perceive is in authority. Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. (Colossians 3:20) We must not only obey our parents because God instructs us to do so, but because it also pleases Him. 6 of 13

7 To learn to obey those in authority is also pleasing to God. A young man of God always knows how to relate to those in authority. Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, whoever rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves. (Romans 13:1-2) God has placed parents as the first authority which a young man must obey in the Lord. And to be under the authority of others is the way God designed society to work well in the world, and God made everything good. God designed the universe and how it would work perfectly. All of God s works are ideal. Take time to look around and behold His design of nature. Like a steering wheel cannot be used as a tire, so also each attribute of God s designs has a specific purpose, including our submitting to those in authority. b. Benefits of obedience All these blessings will come on you and accompany you if you obey the Lord your God: (Deuteronomy 28:2) Security If you fully obey the Lord your God and carefully follow all his commands I give you today, the Lord your God will set you high above all the nations on earth. (vs. 1) Peace You will be blessed in the city and blessed in the country. (vs. 3) Abundance The Lord will send a blessing on your barns and on everything you put your hand to. The Lord your God will bless you in the land he is giving you. (vs. 8) Protection You will be blessed when you come in and blessed when you go out. (vs. 6) Triumph and victory The Lord will grant that the enemies who rise up against you will be defeated before you. They will come at you from one direction but flee from you in seven. (vs. 7) 7 of 13

8 Prosperity The Lord will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none. The Lord will make you the head, not the tail. If you pay attention to the commands of the Lord your God that I give you this day and carefully follow them, you will always be at the top, never at the bottom. (vs ) A young man of God trusts that God is just in asking of him that he should obey his parents, even though he doesn t see his parents as deserving of it. But c. Obeying your parents is not based on their merit Some parents are better than others in giving love and attention to their children. What if yours are not worthy of being in that honor roll? Does it gives you a loophole that releases you from obeying them? Not really. God's commandment to obey is unconditional. It is very difficult for a young man to obey parents and persons in authority whom he deems do not deserve his respect or obedience. What if your parents ask you to do something that is sinful or illegal? There is one exception remember to obey God first: Peter and the other apostles replied: We must obey God rather than human beings! (Acts 5:29) We must always obey God first because we are in the Lord. 2. Honor your parents Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. (Exodus 20:12) Which two persons in the world love you unconditionally and have taken up the responsibility of caring for you and investing their lives in your own good? Your parents. Parents may not always be right on everything, and some may be selfish, unjust and even harmful. Yet they have fulfilled their duty, and because they have done it for so long, at times they may be taken for granted. As a young man of God, you are to embrace the command to honor your parents as the Lord calls you to do. You will reap great benefits for your life if you do. In fact, parents of young ladies urge their girls to watch how a young man treats his father and, in particular, his mother, because it is an indication for the young lady of how the young man will treat her if she would ever become his wife. 8 of 13

9 3. How to honor your parents a. Listen to them when they speak to you Listen, my son, to your father s instruction and do not forsake your mother s teaching. (Proverbs 1:8) Listen, my sons, to a father s instruction; pay attention and gain understanding. (Proverbs 4:1) Young man, no parent can force their child to listen to their instructions, their point of view, or the manner in which they cope with life in a way that has worked for them. Ultimately, it is up to you to listen and tune-in to them, paying careful attention to their words, and making sure you understand what they mean. That is one of the ways in which you can honor them. Even the wisest man that ever lived, King Solomon, acquired wisdom by following his father s instructions: For I too was a son to my father, still tender, and cherished by my mother. Then he taught me, and he said to me, Take hold of my words with all your heart; keep my commands, and you will live. Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or turn away from them. (Proverbs 4:3-5) Solomon honored his father, King David, by paying close attention to his words. That act resulted in Solomon seeking to please God from his heart, and such was revealed later in life when God appeared to him. That night God appeared to Solomon and said to him, Ask for whatever you want me to give you. Solomon answered God Give me wisdom and knowledge, that I may lead this people, for who is able to govern this great people of yours? God said to Solomon, Since this is your heart s desire and you have not asked for wealth, possessions or honor, nor for the death of your enemies, and since you have not asked for a long life but for wisdom and knowledge to govern my people over whom I have made you king, therefore wisdom and knowledge will be given you. And I will also give you wealth, possessions and honor, such as no king who was before you ever had and none after you will have. (2 Chronicles 1:7-8, 10-12) 9 of 13

10 b. Respect them One of the great principles of the Bible is to respect people who have a position of authority. Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. (Romans 13:1) Your parents occupy such position over you, and from this text we learn that God Himself established them so in your life. c. What is respect? Acknowledging a person who addresses you and answering them appropriately, controlling the volume of your voice. Being aware of your place in a certain situation, space or venue. Having a cordial attitude although they may not be cordial to you. Acknowledging with words and deeds what is just and correct. Displaying in words and action what is just, correct and honorable. Recognizing the worth or excellence of another person, their personal quality or ability. Remaining courteous and recognizing that others have the right to expresses their judgment or opinion, although it may differ from your own viewpoint and belief. G. You must change In order to improve your relationship with your parents, you must change. Jacob experienced a change: Then the man said, Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with humans and have overcome. (Genesis 32:28) Not all change means improvement, but without change there cannot be improvement. Change = Growth In the end, it is important to remember that we cannot become what we need to be, by remaining what we are. Max DePree. There are three important aspects to keep in mind in order to achieve change. 1. Have a healthy self-image 2. Choose the right thoughts 3. Speak blessings out loud 1. A healthy self-image 10 of 13

11 You will never get beyond the image of yourself which you have fabricated in your mind. The way you see yourself and feel about yourself will have a tremendous impact on how far you go in life and whether or not you fulfill your destiny. Joel Osteen When you speak, and when you act and react, you are expressing what kind of person you wish to be. Where did you get that image of yourself? From what others say about you, or from what God says about you? On the day when I act, says the Lord Almighty, they will be my treasured possession. I will spare them, just as a father has compassion and spares his son who serves him. (Milachi 3:17) 2. Choose the right thoughts If you transform your mind, God will transform your life. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. (Ephesians 4:22-24) The main goal of the enemy is to target your thoughts. He knows that if he can control and manipulate what you think, he will be in control and will be able to manipulate every aspect of your life. What you think works almost like a magnet, attracting to your life what your are fostering in your thoughts. Further, our thoughts have a direct influence on our emotions, affecting how we feel. In order to be happy, we must have joyful thoughts. It is time to take hold of what we think, upon what matters we allow our mind to dwell in. The greatest battle in which we are to prevail, takes place in our own minds. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things. (Philippians 4:8) 3. Speak blessings out loud There is power in speaking a blessing. When Jacob deceitfully acquired his brother Esau s blessing from his father Isaac, it could not be taken back. Isaac told Esau: I blessed him and indeed he will be blessed! (Genesis 27:33) A blessing becomes a blessing when spoken. Use your words to bless. 11 of 13

12 The tongue has the power of life and death (Proverbs 18:21) Acquire the habit of giving away words that lift and encourage. It will change you. A bell's not a bell 'til you ring it - A song's not a song 'til you sing it - Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay - Love isn't love 'til you give it away! Oscar Hammerstein, II (Composer) Words cannot be taken back once spoken out. We must be careful in what we allow to leave our lips. And when speaking: a. Avoid using negative words You cannot speak negatively about your parents and then hope that they are blessed. If you want to have a good relationship with them, starts getting used to the habit of declaring positive statements, words of life, about them. b. Avoid criticizing Consider your own mistakes before criticizing your parents. Your words have power, and so much so, that we drive away demons when they see us on our knees praying. Our words are spiritual seeds that we plant and produce a harvest one way or the other. All that is done in the spiritual sphere is done through our words. We pray using words, we praise using words, we break curses using words, we bless using words. Each word we speak enters the spiritual realm and causes an effect for good or evil. c. Avoid engaging in arguments The best way to win an argument is to avoid it. Be selective in your battles for sometimes peace is better than being right. Anonymous If you argue and rankle and contradict, you may achieve a temporary victory - sometimes; but it will be an empty victory because you will never get your opponent's good will. Benjamin Franklin Franklin further stated: I even forbade myself the use of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such as certainly, undoubtedly, etc. I adopted instead of them I conceive or I imagine a thing to be so or so it appears to me at present. 12 of 13

13 Conclusion It is of utmost importance to have a good relationship with your parents. In it depends the success in almost every area of your life. The benefits of a good relationship with your parents will be reflected throughout your entire life. It is my wish that the counsel herein presented may be of great help to you. [LAST SLIDE] CREDITS This study was adapted from a presentation by Pr. Saúl Misael Ayala Robles and titled: Cómo Mejorar las Relaciones de un Barón con sus Padres All Bible references are taken from the NIV (New International Version) unless otherwise indicated. 13 of 13