I - Wife: Serving/Submitting

Transcription

1 I - Wife: Serving/Submitting

2 And let not your adornment be merely external--braiding the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or putting on dresses; but let it be the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God. For in this way in former times the holy women also, who hoped in God, used to adorn themselves, being submissive to their own husbands. Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. 1 Pet. 3:3-6 NASB

3 Setting Your Marriage On A Biblical Course Wife: Serving/Submitting I I. God s purposes for the woman: A. God created the woman for the man. Neither was man created for woman, but woman for man. (1 Cor. 11:9) 1. God created the woman from the man. (Gen. 2:18) 2. She was created to complete her husband. (Gen. 2:18) 3. Man and woman have different roles in God s authority structure, but they are equal before God. (Gal. 3:28) B. God created the woman to be a helper suitable for her husband. (Gen. 2:18) C. God created the woman to be a lifetime companion. It is not good for the man to be alone. (Gen. 2:18) D. God created the woman for motherhood in the framework of marriage. (Gen. 1:28) E. God s perfect design created woman to be a responder to her husband, through submission to his leadership. II. God s plan and design for the wife: Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Eph. 5:22-24 NASB A. You are to be subject to your husband s authority. See Decision Making, CTO. B. God will bless you when you submit because when you are in submission to God s will and word, you are in a position to receive His blessings. (Jas. 1:25) 1. God will work in your best interest to give you the abundant life through your submission to Him. (John 10:10b) I-3

4 I Wife: Serving/Submitting 2. He will make your burden light and give you rest through your obedience. (Matt. 11:28-30) 3. God will guide and instruct you as you submit to His authority structure. 4. The Lord will help order your life and that of your family through submission a. to avoid chaos and destructive sinful forces, which can be the result of rebellion against your husband s authority. b. to create an atmosphere that is conducive to cooperation and teamwork. 5. God will be glorified through your godly submission if your husband commits injustices against you. (1 Pet. 2:18-21; 3:1,2) 6. You may win your husband, which means that he may be gained, to salvation or to obedience through your submission. (1 Pet. 3:1,2) 7. You may have married your husband for selfish, ungodly reasons, but your husband is still part of God s predestined plan for your life. Nothing can thwart the will of God. (Job 42:2; Eph. 1:11, Dan. 4:35) III. God s commands to the wife in Ephesians 5:22-33: A. Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. (v. 22) 1. The Greek word for submit is primarily a military term meaning to rank under. 2. The Greek word for submit has a verb tense of continuous action. 3. As to the Lord, means that in devotion to God, you follow His command to obey your husband. a. Submission to your husband must always be viewed as obedience to God. b....for the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church (v. 23) This is God s design for marriage. 4. Your submission is not contingent upon your husband s obedience to God s commands. (1 Pet. 3:1) a. Your disobedience to God and His commands cannot be excused because your husband is disobedient to the Word. I-4

5 Wife: Serving/Submitting I b. You are held accountable by God to obey, even if your husband is disobedient. (Heb. 4:13) B. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. (v. 24) 1. In everything is all encompassing, including big decisions and relatively unimportant details of daily living. 2. The only time you are given permission by God to disobey your husband is when a. you are asked to commit a direct sin. (Acts 5:29) b. your submission will take over his role as leader in a major area of your marriage 3. Sin is never excused by God even when it is committed in obedience to human authority. (Acts 5:29; Gal. 1:10) C....and the wife must respect her husband. (v. 33; 1 Pet. 3:2) 1. The Greek word for respect means reverential fear. a. You are to have a reverential fear, which is a deep regard and a sense of awe for the God-ordained position of authority that your husband holds over you, like Sarah s example in 1 Peter 3:6. b. You are not to be controlled by sinful fear in relationship to your husband. (Josh. 1:9) See The Controllers. Thus Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear. 1 Pet. 3:6 NASB 1) For the wife who has the traits of a controller of people, this means you are not to fear your husband s leadership, fear your loss of control over him or your loss of leadership. Therefore, you must not try to seize control. 2) For the wife, who has the traits of a controller of circumstances, this means you are not to fear you husband s intimidation. Therefore, I-5

6 I Wife: Serving/Submitting a) you must lovingly admonish him when needed rather than trying to avoid conflict by remaining silent. (Gal. 6:1) b) you must learn to live under the control of the Holy Spirit rather than under the control of your husband s intimidation. 4. You may or may not have the feelings of respect and admiration for the character of the man who fills the position of authority in your life. However, a. your attitude should never be negative, condemning or judgmental. (Luke 6:37; Matt. 7:1,2) b. your attitude should be loving, accepting and encouraging. (John 13:35; Rom. 15:7; Heb. 3:13) 5. All persons are to be respected or honored as created in the image of God regardless of how ungodly they are. (Gen. 1:26; 1 Pet. 2:17; Rom. 12:10) IV. Commands to the wife in 1 Peter 2:17-3:6: A. You should be focusing on developing your inner beauty and character, rather than your outward appearance. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God s sight. 1 Pet. 3:3,4 1. Submission is not only outward obedience, but also an inward attitude. a. The attitude of submission produces a gentle and quiet spirit before your husband rather than a demanding, resistant, embittered, haughty, defiant spirit. b. You may not be resisting submission outwardly, but if you are resisting inwardly, your husband probably knows it, and God is not pleased. 2. You are to care for yourself physically, but do not become preoccupied or consumed with your appearance. B. God commands submission regardless of the husband s disobedience, spiritual state or unreasonableness. Study 1 Peter 2:17-3:6. I-6

7 Wife: Serving/Submitting I In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior. 1 Pet. 3:1,2 NASB 1. Submission, with respect, is commanded a. when a human authority is harsh or unreasonable. (v. 2:18) b. when you are unjustly treated. (v. 2:19) c. when your husband is disobedient to the word. Note: In 1 Peter 3:1, the Greek word for the adjective used to describe the husband is disobedient, which can apply to an unsaved husband, a husband who is a Christian or a husband who professes to be a Christian but has no fruit in his life. 2. Doing what is right, with patient endurance, when treated unjustly finds favor with God. (vv. 2:19,20) 3. God realizes fully that you may be harshly treated, yet He still gives the command to submit. (vv. 2:18, 3:1) a. You are called for this purpose, to suffer unjustly as Christ suffered. To this you were called, because Christ suffered for you, leaving you an example, that you should follow in his steps. 1 Pet. 2:21 b. God parallels your difficult situation with the abuse Jesus suffered and asks that your responses to your husband s disobedience follow Christ s example. Wives, in the same way... (v. 3:1a) 4. You must respond as Christ responded to His harsh treatment. a. You are to understand that your godly obedience in suffering glorifies God. b. You cannot retaliate by repaying evil for evil. (v. 2:23) c. You must follow Christ example by entrusting yourself to your Heavenly Father, the One who judges righteously. You must submit to your Sovereign Lord through His plan for you to obey your husband. (vv. 2:23; 3:1) I-7

8 I Wife: Serving/Submitting When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed. 1 Pet. 2:23,24 d. You receive spiritual and emotional healing through Christ s finished work on the cross, which enables you to endure trials. e. God declares that you will be blessed when persecuted for righteousness sake. (Matt. 5:10-12) 1) Verbal and emotional abuse are often the response of those who are threatened by a godly person. God says you should expect persecution as part of the call on the Christian s life. (2 Tim. 3:12; 1 Pet. 4:19) 2) Physical and sexual abuse is a violation of the governing laws and should be reported to both governing and church authorities. See Marriage in this book for more details. 5. You must obey God and fear Him rather than be motivated by fear of your husband s intimidation, his rejection or his leadership in the marriage. (Prov. 16:6; 19:23; Ps. 31:19)...do what is right and do not give way to fear. 1 Pet. 3:6 a. Pride (I want to control my world. ) and fear (I lost or may lose control of my world. ) often lead to trying to control and manipulate your husband in an attempt to regain control of your world. b. Pride, fear and self-protection often lead to not lovingly admonishing your husband when admonishment is needed. (Gal. 1:10) 1) God does not want you to be a people-pleaser or a husband-pleaser, but a God-pleaser. (Gal. 1:10) 2) You need to set aside your fear of conflict and fear of your husband s sinful responses. Obey God by rebuking your husband when it is needed. (Lev. 19:17; Col. 3:16) I-8

9 Wife: Serving/Submitting I Faithful are the wounds of a friend, But deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. Prov. 27:6 NASB V. 1 Peter 3:1-6 explains God s only plan for a wife to gain or to win to her husband to salvation and/or obedience to the Word: A. God s only recorded plan to win your husband is through your submission in attitude and action. 1. You must understand that your husband is the leader in the home a. by God given decree. (Eph. 5:23) b. whether he is or is not a Christian. c. whether he is or is not obedient to the Lord. 2. God s plan for wives in 1 Peter 3 has been proven over and over. 3. God s plan is not the expedient way from the human perspective. However, it s the only way that will ever work. B. God places the ability to influence your husband and therefore, the state of the marriage in the wife s hands through submission, coupled with a gentle and quiet spirit. 1. There is no corollary command given to husbands who have disobedient wives. 2. There is great power unleashed through submission. C. The only means by which you will win your saved or unsaved husband to obedience is without words. 1. Forsake words that a. attempt to convince, change, control or manipulate him. b. are angry, insulting, intimidating, sarcastic, caustic or manipulative. (Eph. 4:29) c. lecture or nag. (Prov. 10:19) I-9

10 I Wife: Serving/Submitting d. repay evil for evil. (1 Pet. 3:8,9; 1 Thess. 5:15) e. manipulate him through using guilt trips. f. portray yourself as a victim or martyr. g. threaten to retaliate, to punish, to leave or to divorce him. h. are whiny, moody, self-pitying. i. are condemning, negative, critical, judgmental. j. try to convince him to become a Christian or to be a leader in the home. 2. Remember to utilize the Renewing Your Mind Outline when you are tempted to respond sinfully. The Lord will fight for you while you keep silent. Ex. 14:14 NASB D. You must not be contentious, which often provokes a husband to angry outbursts or to withdrawal. To be contentious means to strive in combat, debate, to be controversial or competitive. (Prov. 19:13b) Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and ill-tempered wife. Prov. 21:19 Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with quarrelsome wife. Prov. 25:24 E. You must give up all perceived rights, goals and expectations concerning your husband and release any goal to try to change him. 1. Place all your hope and expectations in God alone, realizing that He will provide the resources to sustain and fulfill you, regardless of what difficulties you may encounter with your husband. Find rest, O my soul, in God alone, my hope comes from him Ps. 62:5 2. Continue to hope in the Lord, which is a command, rather than giving up or I-10

11 Wife: Serving/Submitting I becoming resigned, which is a deadening of your spirit toward God and your husband. (Ps. 43:5; Gal. 6:9) a. Follow the example of the holy women of former times, who hoped in God to provide all they needed to endure. (1 Pet. 3:5; 1 Cor. 10:13) b. Do not harden your heart against your husband, which in turn, will harden your heart against God. (Prov. 28:14b; Heb. 3:15) 3. Learn to be content in all circumstances, trials, and difficulties. (Phil. 4:11; 1 Tim. 6:6) 4. Give thanks repeatedly for all difficult situations and people. (Eph. 5:20; 1 Thess. 5:18) F. Become motivated by desire to see your husband changed for his sake rather than for your sake, being released of self-interest. (Jas. 4:3a) G. Do not withdraw from him physically, sexually or emotionally to punish him or to protect yourself. H. Confront his sin lovingly 1. without being controlled by fear of his intimidation. (2 Tim. 1:7; 1 Pet. 3:6) 2. without becoming petty and fault-finding. (Prov. 19:11) 3. without trying to convince him of his sin. a. Only the Holy Spirit can convict a person of sin. (John 16:8) b. Only the Holy Spirit can bring about repentance. (2 Cor. 7:9,10) I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God made it grow. So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. 1 Cor. 3:6,7 I. You must wait patiently for God to work in your husband in His time and in His way, reminding yourself that you deserve to burn in hell. (Lam. 3:25,26; Is. 40:31) Beggars must not be choosers concerning the time, place or form of their answer. C. H. Spurgeon I-11

12 I Wife: Serving/Submitting J. You must have the goal of pleasing God by your obedience rather than the goal of changing your husband. 1. You are to seek intimacy and dependence upon God rather than trying to force your husband into the role of being intimate and making you feel secure. For your Maker is your husband... Is. 54:5a 2. You are to realize that the time of difficulty and waiting is designed by God to deepen your faith and to make you more Christ-like. (Is. 26:8; Jas. 1:2-4) K. You must release your husband to God s control, 1. realizing God will create the husband He wants for you. 2. realizing that your husband, as he is now, is God s present plan for you. (Eph. 1:11) 3. realizing the battle is the Lord s, not yours. (2 Chron. 20:15,17) a. Godly submission will leave all results in God s hands. b. You must continue to obey when there are no positive results. (Jas. 1:12) 1) All Christians are to obey without expectation of getting what they want in return. 2) Obedience should be motivated by the love of Christ, rather than for personal gain. (John 14:15,21) L. Christ realizes the power unleashed by your godly influence on the marriage. Interestingly, He gives no similar command for a husband who has a disobedient wife. God commands you to get out of the battle you have been waging against your disobedient husband with your contentious, fighting spirit. God s only plan to win a husband is by disarming you through your submission and a quiet spirit. This plan strips you of your natural, logical resources and casts you fully upon the Lord to utilize His resources and to wait patiently upon His timing to deliver the victory. Above all, you are to die to self-will and to surrender to God s will, which fills you with the Spirit of God to move forth under His command. Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit, says the Lord Almighty. (Zech. 4:6b) I-12

13 Wife: Serving/Submitting I This plan parallels the Lord s plans for victory in many battles recorded in the Old Testament. Repeatedly, He disarms the Israelites and sends them into battle, stripped of military resources, against overwhelming odds. Through God s unconventional and illogical approach toward the enemy, when victory was won, all the glory belonged to Him! Jericho: (Joshua 6:1-20) This city of the enemy was tightly shut, to the degree that no one went out and no one came in. It was impenetrable! God s plan for victory was that seven priests, blowing seven trumpets, were to lead the armed men around the city walls for six days. The Ark of the Covenant, a type of Christ, was to be carried with them; the Lord was in their midst! On the seventh day, they were commanded to march around the walls seven times, blowing their rams horns. Although the men were armed for battle, their weapons were never used. On the seventh time around the city, Joshua commanded the people, Shout! For the Lord has given you the city! The walls fell down, and the city was seized. Gideon: (Judges 6 &7) The Midianites were an extremely mighty, oppressive enemy, invading the land and ravaging it. The Lord chose a nobody named Gideon, calling him forth to lead His army with the words, The Lord is with you, mighty warrior. The army numbered 32,000. God announced, In order that Israel may not boast against me that her own strength has saved her, he pared Gideon s band down to 300 men! Then God commanded the 300 men to carry trumpets and empty pitchers with torches inside them to the enemy camp. The trumpets were blown and the pitchers smashed, and the Lord caused the men throughout the camp to turn on each other with their swords. This tiny band of men, with meager resources, but submitted to the illogical plan of God, routed a vast army as thick as locusts with camels that could no more be counted than the sand on the seashore. David and Goliath: (1 Samuel 17) God begins this account with description of the champion warrior of the Philistine army, Goliath, who was over 9 feet tall, clad in heavy armor, and carrying a huge spear. He stepped forward to challenge the Israelites to send a man willing to contend with him. The outcome of this battle between two men would determine which nation would rule over the other. King Saul and all his men were dismayed and terrified. For forty days Goliath s repeated challenge went unanswered as the men of Israel cowered in faithless response. David, a mere shepherd boy, while on a errand for his father, overheard Goliath s challenge and offered himself for the battle. Saul s response was, You are not able to go out against this Philistine and fight him; you are only a boy... As he listened to David s recounting of God s faithfulness in delivering him from danger in the past, Saul offers him his own sword and armor. But David casts off the warrior s protection. Carrying only a sling and five smooth stones in a shepherd s pouch, he goes forth to face the enemy. As the giant hurls angry, arrogant taunts, David responds, You come up against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty With those words, he slew the champion of the Philistine army! I-13

14 I Wife: Serving/Submitting King Jehoshaphat: (2 Chronicles 20) As he was faced with the invasion of a great army from Edom, Jehoshaphat turned immediately to prayer and fasting. He admitted to God, For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you. The Lord assured His people that He would be with them and that they need not fear nor be dismayed. God disarmed them with the words, For the battle is not yours, but God s. His specific commands were to, Take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverance the Lord will give you... Before the victory, the response of the king and all the people was to bow down and worship God, giving thanks for His holiness and love. While they were singing and praising, the Lord turned their enemies against one another and all were killed! VI. Encouraging principles for you to ponder from these accounts: A. All the situations were impossible and overwhelming from the human standpoint. B. Human resources were powerless against the enemy. Thus, they were forced to abandon common sense, human logic, self-confidence, self-sufficiency and selftrust. (Ps. 20:7,8) C. They turned to God, waiting submissively for His direction, plan and instruction. D. His commands and concepts must have seemed ridiculous to them, as they went against human logic, but they did not quarrel with God. (Is. 45:9) E. They entrusted themselves to their Lord s leadership, by submitting to His commands. F. They set forth to take the risks God required of them in the face of great intimidation. G. They demonstrated great confidence in His abilities to sustain and deliver them. H. God promised to be with them, in their midst, as they submitted to His plans. I. The people responded with worship, prayer, praise and thanksgiving. J. God s sovereign control was evidenced in His ability to do the impossible. (Matt. 19:26) K. All glory went to God for His plan, provision and victory!! VII. God s requirements of the wife in regard to her husband s decisions: I-14

15 Wife: Serving/Submitting I A. You are to submit to poor decisions. 1. If it is a sinful decision, which violates God s commands, a. you must not participate in that sin. Decline graciously. b. you are required to admonish him. (Gal. 6:1) c. you should wait upon the Lord to bring consequences, if He chooses. 2. If it is not a sinful decision, you should try to find creative ways to make the decision work out as well as possible. B. You should submit to no decision, which is his lack of action about a situation. No decision is a decision. 1. You may often enable and support irresponsibility because you rush into the vacuum left by your husband s indecision. a. You intervene by making the decisions he did not make. Thus, you enable him to continue in his indecisiveness and his lack of leadership. b. Your husband relies on you to cover for him by doing things for which he doesn t want to take responsibility or for which he has not delegated you to take responsibility. c. You prevent the unpleasant consequences God designs to reach a person in rebellion, which perhaps, would force him to deal with his sin. (Gal. 6:7) You do so because you are controlled by fear 1) of not wanting to suffer the consequences of his indecision along with him. 2) of having your children suffer. 2. You must see that one aspect of being a helpmate is to also suffer the consequences with him, which may also include your children s suffering. (Gen. 2:18) 3. You must understand that biblical love is evidenced in being willing to suffer on behalf of another. (John 15:13) C. You are not to take over his role as leader by assuming his major responsibilities even if he commands you to do so. I-15

16 I Wife: Serving/Submitting 1. God declares that the husband is the head of the wife, the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, His body (Eph. 5:23) 2. God declares the wife as the husband s helper rather than his leader. (Gen. 2:18) Examples: If your physically able husband is acting irresponsibly in a major area, such as not providing for the family financially and tries to require you to be the provider while he is lazy and irresponsible, you must go against his verbal command and instead, submit to his role as provider. Pray that your stand for God s design will lead to his action in fulfilling his God-given role. If your husband is not the leader over the finances and delegates the full responsibility to you, you must not take over his role. He must be the decisionmaker on how the money is dispersed, what bills are to be paid, and if poor decisions have been made, he must deal with the creditors, etc. You can assist his leadership by writing checks after receiving his direction, balancing the checkbook, etc. If you find yourself in such a role reversal, lovingly tell your husband that God has decreed him as your leader and therefore, you cannot usurp his role. You are to be subject to your husband in everything. (Eph. 5:24) You should warn him and give him ample time to change before removing yourself from his role. D. You are to submit when your Christian husband has not prayed about a decision or has not looked to God for guidance. (1 Pet. 3:1) E. You are to submit when your husband is totally unreasonable in his demands, unfair, unjust, a poor role model and/or casts insults or imposes threats. (1 Pet. 3:1) F. You are to submit to his verbal decision, not to what you read to be his feelings when they are contrary to his decision. 1. You should submit to his verbal permission to do something when his attitude says, Don t do it. 2. He needs to live with the consequences of not speaking truthfully to you. (Eph. 4:25) 3. You should not allow him to control you with sulking, anger and/or silent treatments because you submitted to his verbal permission rather than his sinful attitude. Forgive him and renew your mind. (Mark 11:25; Rom. 12:2) G. You are to encourage his decision-making by showing confidence in his decisions whenever possible, even by recalling ones in the past that have had a positive influence. I really see the wisdom in your decision to. (Heb. 3:13) I-16

17 Wife: Serving/Submitting I H. You are to encourage him to think for himself if he depends on your input and thinking 1. by asking What do you want to do about (name situation)?, instead of telling him what he should do or rushing in with suggestions. 2. by saying, I d like to hear your ideas first, when he asks for your input. 3. by remaining silent rather than jumping in with your opinions and ideas, giving him the opportunity to be the initiator. VIII. God s biblical tools to help the wife submit graciously: A. Focus on the fact that God s perfect commands are designed in your best interest. You must 1. entrust yourself to God s loving care through obedience to Him, as Christ entrusted Himself to His heavenly Father when dealing with difficult people. (Ps. 55:22) 2. realize you are placing yourself in Satan s Territory when you are the leader in your home or when you choose to disobey your husband. B. Develop patterns of regular prayer and reading of the Scripture. When you pray for your husband, you should ask for change for his sake rather than for your sake. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives Jas. 4:3 C. Trust Christ to meet your emotional thirsts and desires, rather than expecting and/or demanding that your husband fill that role in your life. (Is. 54:5; John 4:14) D. Ask God repeatedly for grace to submit yourself to your husband, with respectful attitudes. (Jas. 4:6; 2 Cor. 12:9,10) E. Learn to love and accept him unconditionally, as Christ loves you. (John 15:12) The essence of love is relating without self-protection. I-17

18 I Wife: Serving/Submitting When we learn to accept people who disappoint us by no longer requiring them to satisfy us, then we re free to love them, to reach toward them for their sake without having to protect ourselves from feeling disappointed by their response to us.-- Larry Crabb F. Forgive him daily, completely, repeatedly and seek his forgiveness when you sin against him. Keep current! (Eph. 4:30-32; Matt. 5:23,24; Heb. 12:14) G. Maintain fellowship with Christian women who live biblically, to receive encouragement and admonishment and to have accountability. (Prov. 15:31; 16:20; 19:20) H. Be careful not to seek intimacy with women friends to the exclusion of remaining open and vulnerable with your husband. I. Recognize your own sin and judgmental attitude in relationship to your husband and how grievous they are to God. (Matt. 7:1-5) J. Repent of a superior-inferior rating of yourself and your husband. 1. God does not rank people as superior and inferior, and you are called to be an imitator of Him. (Eph. 5:1; Gal. 3:28; Jas. 2:10) 2. The ground is level at the foot of the cross. 3. You are to confess to God and repent of a. self-righteous attitudes which in all probability, foster resentment in your husband. b. inferior feelings you may assume from a controlling husband who looks down on you, blames you for his problems, is verbally abusive. c. comparisons of yourself to him or to anyone. K. Correct your tunnel vision. 1. If you feel most decisions must be your way to be right, you probably have tunnel vision. You view life from only your perspective. 2. If you have tunnel vision, no leader could ever make you happy. I-18

19 Wife: Serving/Submitting I L. Do not be jealous or envious. (1 Cor. 13:4; Ex. 20:17) 1. Do not to compare your husband to other men or compare your marriage to other marriages. 2. Be cautious in verbalizing about other men, their accomplishments or personalities if a. your husband is insecure. b. your motivations for sharing are sinful; i.e. trying to make him feel guilty. c. you do not frequently praise your own husband. 3. Do not to be possessive and controlling of him. 4. Do not be jealous of his time spent with the children, his family, friends and ministry. If his priorities are wrong, you must forgive him and rebuke him in love. M. Make encouraging and praising your husband a daily habit. (Heb. 3:13) 1. Focus on the praise of his progress, no matter how small, rather than focus on his deficits. You must not a. up the ante, requiring more and more of him to please you when he does begin to change. b. focus negatively and critically on the habits he has not changed. 2. Be affectionate and verbalize your love for him. Remember, love is a commitment, not necessarily a feeling. N. Do not play the martyr or victim role. Do not be self-pitying and 1. remind him of how many burdens you are carrying or your sufferings on his behalf. 2. point out how little he does, with intent to lay guilt on him. 3. blame him for your own sin problems. 4. excuse or rationalize your sinful responses to him because you are so focused on his sin. (Mark 11:25; Eph. 4:30-32) I-19

20 I Wife: Serving/Submitting O. Communicate in a godly way. 1. Speaking words that build him up rather than tear him down (Eph. 4:29) a. Your transparency must not include verbalizing thoughts that are hateful and/ or unkind. (Prov. 21:23) b. Your transparency must not include verbalizing thoughts that are meant to inflict hurt. (Prov. 18:21a) 2. Not using coarse, vulgar language, joking or sarcasm, but giving thanks instead (Eph. 5:4) 3. Being quick to listen and slow to speak (Jas. 1:19,20; Prov. 18:13) 4. Using gentle, short answers to turn away wrath (Prov. 15:1; 17:27) 5. Not becoming argumentative in defense of yourself (1 Pet. 2:23) 6. Being silent, when necessary, to avoid fighting, as Jesus was silent before His accusers (Is. 53:7; Ex. 14:14) A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver. Prov. 25:11 P. Initiate sex at times, respond to his advances and give yourself over to him physically and emotionally. Do not deprive him sexually. (1 Cor. 7:5a) Q. Build loyalty to him in the children. 1. Not tearing him down in front of the children or behind his back 2. Learning how to handle his unreasonable discipline of the children in a godly way, confronting him in private after the discipline (Matt. 18:15) 3. Finding opportunities to remind the children of his good traits 4. Sending the children to him for decisions affecting their lives 5. Entrusting your children to the Lord by a. realizing that your husband s decisions or lack of decisions, are the Lord s decisions for them since He is in control of their lives (Dan. 4:35; Eph. 1:11) I-20

21 Wife: Serving/Submitting I b. realizing that God may be creating the needs which will draw your children to Himself, through your husband s weaknesses and sins c. releasing rights to your children by surrendering them to God, who is their Rightful Owner d. realizing that you are submitting to God when you are submitting to your husband. Entrust yourself to Him as Christ did when He was persecuted. (1 Pet. 2:23) 6. Being sensitive if your children are also aware of a major sin problem in their father s life a. You should guide them to forgive him and to love him unconditionally. (Mark 11:25) 1) You should not ignore or minimize their hurt, but always point them toward a godly solution and offer to help them use the Scriptures to have a biblical response. 2) You might follow this suggestion: Yes, I realize you did have such and such a problem with your dad and that makes it difficult for you. I know it hurts, but God wants you to forgive him. Help them with the steps of forgiveness. See Forgiving Others in this manual for scriptures and concepts. b. You should teach them to admonish and/or appeal to him and yourself in a respectful manner. c. You should role model respect, godly attitudes and submission to your husband and encourage your children to follow your example. 7. Assisting your husband by a. disciplining the children, without taking over his leadership role ~ Usually it is wise to let him take over the discipline when he is home. b. calling household problems to his attention, but not nagging him about them c. helping him carry some of the heavy burdens of daily living without usurping his leadership 8. Choosing a mature Christian woman or women to share your struggles about your husband, rather than going to your children to fill this role in your life I-21

22 I Wife: Serving/Submitting a. The purpose of your sharing is not to vent, but instead to have accountability for responding to your husband in a godly way. (Eph. 4:31,32) b. The purpose of your sharing is to have someone else give you a more objective view of your own sin problems. (Matt. 7:3-5) 9. Not developing a sinful emotional dependency on one or more of your children by encouraging them to fill emotional voids that your husband is not filling ~ Instead, draw close to Christ. (Jas. 4:8) a. You should not look to your children to be your emotional support. No child should be put in that position. b. You must not vent to your children about your husband s faults or encourage them to take your side. R. You are to find fulfillment as a worker in the home. (Titus 2:5) 1. Serving your husband, children and guests 2. Seeking ways to supplement your husband s income if he desires you to do so a. if needed and possible, through work in the home, especially when children of any age are living at home. b. without assuming his responsibility and role to be the primary provider, unless he is unable to work. 3. Helping in creative ways to adjust the family s lifestyle to your husband s income, trusting the Lord to provide and being content with your husband s provision (Phil. 4:11; 1 Tim. 6:6-10) S. You should promote a being relationship with your husband, by 1. making him your number one human priority, above your children, parents, friends, career, ministry. 2. being transparent and vulnerable. a. You are to impart your life to him, even in the face of rejection. b. You are to be genuine, real and authentic. (1 Thess. 2:3-5) 1) You should not try to protect yourself or your children by withholding I-22

23 Wife: Serving/Submitting I information, deceiving or lying about your or your children s sins, failures or problems. (1 John 1:6,7) 2) You should not try to control the relationship by withdrawing, deceiving him or walling him out, and by doing so, control the degree of emotional intimacy with him. 3. seeking your husband s counsel and advice on personal matters as well as biblical and spiritual questions. (1 Cor. 14:35) 4. confessing your sin and asking your husband to hold you accountable for dealing with it. (Jas. 5:16) 5. asking him to be a witness to your prayers to forgive an offender or to confess your sin to the Lord. 6. providing frequent time to interact both spontaneously and during scheduled times. 7. being willing to follow his lead if he initiates, by praying and studying Scripture together. 8. cultivating a growing respect for the man God ordained to be your husband, which is a key ingredient in delighting in one another. IX. Other biblical principles: A. To be under the authority of your husband is the divinely appointed place God has chosen for you to grow emotionally and spiritually to your fullest, even if your husband is disobedient to the Word. B. When your husband is in gross, repetitive and/or controlling sins, you are commanded to admonish him. (Lev. 19:17; Gal. 6:1) 1. You must not be controlled by fear of your husband. (2 Tim. 1:7; 1 Pet. 3:6) 2. Peace at any price and do not rock the boat are ungodly responses. (Matt. 10:34-36) 3. You must report illegal activities to governing and church authorities. a. You must report physical or sexual abuse of children. Report illegal drug use in your home or the presence of illegal drugs in your home. (Prov. 19:19; Rom. 13:1-3) This is required by law. I-23

24 I Wife: Serving/Submitting b. You need to know that you can be held accountable by law for not reporting a crime of which you are aware. c. You must also report these crimes to your church authorities so they can advise and encourage you. (Heb. 13:17) C. You may appeal a pending wrong decision or one that has been made, but not yet enacted. 1. Your attitude must be right by forgiving him before approaching him. 2. Your words should be concise and carefully chosen. It is wise to limit a difficult confrontation or an appeal to several sentences, especially if your husband is threatened by your input. (Prov. 10:19) 3. You should not try to control, convince or manipulate him. 4. You may appeal once, but not become a nag. D. God will not hold you responsible for lack of management or wrong management of the family by your husband, if you are submissive to him. X. God s role for the wife who has learned and implemented God s plan for her marriage: Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God. Titus 2:3-5 A. You have grown older and wiser in the faith, and now your task, which God has given you, is to encourage the younger women to love their husbands and children. B. This mandate states God s priority to the older woman: 1. that before pursuing your own interests, hobbies, activities and career, you are to disciple the younger women because you are called by God to do so. 2. that your own life should be in submission to God and to your husband so that you are an example of your teaching. (Phil. 4:9) I-24

25 Wife: Serving/Submitting I C. God s command to the older women to train the younger women in how to have a godly home, shows the regard He has for the older women s abilities to influence marriages and family unity. 1. He commits this responsibility into the hands of mature Christian women. 2. He does not assign this task to the government, schools, secular counselors and psychologists or leaders of society. D. There is great potential to turn sinful Christian families into godly ones if older Christian women would take their mandate from God seriously! XI. God s plan to use the wife in a ministry role in the home: A. You are commanded to be hospitable. (1 Pet. 4:9) 1. to welcome family members, your husband s as well as your own 2. to welcome the brethren 3. to welcome the stranger, believer and unbeliever B. You are to do all you can to make your home a haven for your husband, children and others. It should be 1. a place of encouragement, relaxation and acceptance. 2. a place where welcome is extended to unexpected guests, even if your house is not as clean as you might desire it to be. C. You should view meal preparation as a ministry, (Prov. 31:15) 1. to see your role as a servant through the meals you provide for your family and others. 2. to provide nutritious meals. 3. to serve attractive and creative meals. 4. to be willing to prepare a simple meal to welcome unexpected guests. (Acts 16:15) 5. to see your priority as ministry to people, rather than putting your focus on I-25

26 I Wife: Serving/Submitting serving a perfect meal, your decorating or your housekeeping. D. You should view keeping your home reasonably neat and attractive as a ministry, so that it is 1. a place where your husband, children and others enjoy entering and staying. 2. a place where you strike a balance in housekeeping, a. by keeping the home reasonably neat and clean. b. by not being a slave to keeping a perfect home, so that 1) housekeeping does not interfere with your quality time with husband, children and others. 2) others will feel relaxed and comfortable, thus enabling relationships to be built and nurtured. 3) all who enter and live there will feel free to use the home for creative pursuits, play and other activities. People who live in your home should feel free to invite others into their home. 4) the home has the feeling of being lived in and enjoyed by all. E. You should do your part in creating a home, which is a place of welcoming love. A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all, Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Prov. 31:10-12,26-30 I-26