D I S C U S S I O N G U I D E f o r t h e F O U RT E E N - PA RT V I D E O S E R I E S on PA R E N T I N G

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3 D I S C U S S I O N G U I D E f o r t h e F O U RT E E N - PA RT V I D E O S E R I E S on PA R E N T I N G ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. COPYRIGHT 2001, RESOURCES FOR CHANGING LIVES, A MINISTRY of the CHRISTIAN COUNSELING & EDUCATIONAL FOUNDATION, AND SHEPHERD S PRESS Permission to copy the enclosed material is granted to individuals or groups who have purchased the Case for Kids video series. Please instruct participants using the discussion guide not to make additional copies without the express written consent of Resources for Changing Lives and Shepherd s Press. Shepherd s Press

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5 T H E C A S E for K I D S S E S S I O N 1 What Is a Family? I. I N T R O D U C T O RY Q U E S T I O N What is the most dangerous thing facing the Christian family in AD 2001? I I. A B I B L I C A L WA R N I N G 6 After Joshua had dismissed the Israelites, they went to take possession of the land, each to his own inheritance. 7 The people served the LORD throughout the lifetime of Joshua and of the elders who outlived him and who had seen all the great things the LORD had done for Israel. 8 Joshua son of Nun, the servant of the LORD, died at the age of a hundred and ten. 9 And they buried him in the land of his inheritance, at Timnath Heres in the hill country of Ephraim, north of Mount Gaash. 10 After that whole generation had been gathered to their fathers, another generation grew up, who knew neither the LORD nor what he had done for Israel. 11 Then the Israelites did evil in the eyes of the LORD and served the Baals. 12 They forsook the LORD, the God of their fathers, who had brought them out of Egypt. They followed and worshiped various gods of the peoples around them. They provoked the LORD to anger 13 because they forsook him and served Baal and the Ashtoreths. Judges 2:6-13 The most significant things that you could ever grab hold of in life, that describe the very nature of life and the very nature of human identity, are meant to be taught in the context of the family. If we are not enculturating our children in the things of God, they will be enculturated by the surrounding society. III. A FAMILY IS GOD S PRIMARY LEARNING COMMUNITY 1.1

6 I V. L I F E G O E S O N I N T H E FA M I LY V. T H E FA M I LY I S A T H E O L O G I C A L C O M M U N I T Y (Deuteronomy 6; Colossians 2:1-9; Romans 12:1, 2; Ephesians 6:4) Life takes place in the family, and life is pregnant with opportunities to talk about the most significant things in life. Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory. Children are revelation-receivers Children are interpreters Isaiah 6:3 God is everywhere, and the most powerful thing that you can do for your child is to build in him very early this inescapable Godawareness. Suggested Reading: Age of Opportunity, Chapter 3, What Is A Family? A Definition, and Chapter 4, What is a Family? A Job Description 1.2 R E F L E C T I O N Q U E S T I O N S Up until now, what have you thought was the most dangerous thing facing your family? John Calvin wrote, no man can survey himself without forthwith turning his thoughts towards the God in whom he lives and moves (Institutes of the Christian Religion, I.1) How should this fact affect the way you talk with your child? Paul said, the most powerful thing that you can do for your child is to build in him very early this inescapable Godawareness. How can you build this God-awareness into your child? With your spouse, take some time and practice moving from the mundane moments of life to God.

7 T H E C A S E for K I D S S E S S I O N 2 YouCanBe Part of What God Is Doing InYour Child I. A FA M I LY I S A T H E O L O G I C A L C O M M U N I T Y Children are interpreters Children are worshippers I I. A FA M I LY I S A S O C I O L O G I C A L C O M M U N I T Y Our children are interpreters. They are making sense out of life. They ve got to start with the knowledge of God. I I I. A FA M I LY I S A R E D E M P T I V E C O M M U N I T Y There s no place better to teach God s way of love than the family. 2.1

8 I V. T E A C H I N G P R I N C I P L E S F O R PA R E N T S The better you know someone, the better teacher you will be. Influence is the byproduct of relationship. Insight comes by way of questions. Five Good Questions: What was going on? (Situation) What were you thinking and feeling as it was going on? (Thoughts) What did you do in response? (Behavior) Why did you do it? (Heart Motives) We need to ask good questions of the child, questions that expose the heart, questions that expose that inner struggle with God and people, questions that lead to an awareness of one s need for a Redeemer. Suggested Reading: Age of Opportunity, Chapters 3, What Is A Family? A Definition, & Chapter 4, What Is A Family? A Job Description 2.2 What was the result? (Consequences) Approach this educational task as a learner. The calling of God to moms and dads is predominantly educational. There is a God, and life is known only when you see it from his perspective. There is this moral call to love my neighbor as myself, and it exposes the depth of my selfishness and weakness. But there is a Redeemer. And he has come in the glory of his grace and love to rescue us, so that we could be what we were meant to be, and do what we were meant to do. R E F L E C T I O N Q U E S T I O N S Do you know what makes your child tick? Do you know where he or she struggles? Do you know what he or she tends to worship? Do you know where he or she struggles to believe the Gospel? Think about the last time you encountered conflict, either at work or in your home. Answer the Five Good Questions moving from the situation to the consequences, identifying the heart motives and the role of your interpreting the event in the chain of events.

9 T H E C A S E for K I D S S E S S I O N 3 Getting to the Heart of Behavior 20 My son, pay attention to what I say; listen closely to my words. 21 Do not let them out of your sight, keep them within your heart; 22 for they are life to those who find them and health to a man s whole body. 23 Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Proverbs 4:20-23 I. T H E H E A RT I S T H E W E L L S P R I N G O F L I F E You and I live out of our hearts Our children live out of their hearts The heart is the core of our being If you trace the streams of life back to their source, the fountainhead is the heart. 3.1

10 I I. E M P H A S I S O N T H E H E A RT T H R O U G H O U T T H E SCRIPTURES A brief survey of Old Testament passages But the LORD said to Samuel, Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7 And now, O Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul? Deuteronomy 10:12 For the eyes of the LORD range throughout the earth to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to him. You have done a foolish thing, and from now on you will be at war. 2 Chronicles 16:9 57 May the LORD our God be with us as he was with our fathers; may he never leave us nor forsake us. 58 May he turn our hearts to him, to walk in all his ways and to keep the commands, decrees and regulations he gave our fathers. 1 Kings 8:57-58 A brief survey of the ministry of Christ God is concerned with our hearts. True worship is not simply getting the liturgy right These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. 9 They worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men 16 Are you still so dull? Jesus asked them. 17 Don t you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? 18 But the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man unclean. 19 For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander. 20 These are what make a man unclean ; but eating with unwashed hands does not make him unclean. Matthew 15:8-9,16-20

11 17 After he had left the crowd and entered the house, his disciples asked him about this parable. 18 Are you so dull? he asked. Don t you see that nothing that enters a man from the outside can make him unclean? 19 For it doesn t go into his heart but into his stomach, and then out of his body. (In saying this, Jesus declared all foods clean. ) 20 He went on: "What comes out of a man is what makes him unclean. 21 For from within, out of men s hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, 22 greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. 23 All these evils come from inside and make a man unclean. " Mark 7: "No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. 44 Each tree is recognized by its own fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. 45 The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks. Luke 6:43-45 Whatever is going on in the heart is ultimately expressed in the behavior So whatever is going on in our behavior cannot be understood in isolation from the heart. Behavior can never be understood in isolation from the heart. 3.3

12 Our temptation is to focus on behavior For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. Hebrews 4:12 R E F L E C T I O N Q U E S T I O N S Why is it so easy to get sidetracked with behavior when issues of the heart are clearly so much more important? What s wrong with a change in behavior without a change in the heart? If the point of discipline is to direct the heart, how does that change the approach to discipline and correction? Whatever constrains behavior trains the heart. What are some ways that you can keep heart issues out in the open in dealing with your kids? Since the heart controls behavior, whatever is going on in the heart cannot be changed in a biblical fashion without reference to the heart. Suggested Reading: Shepherding a Child s Heart, Chapters 1, Getting to the Heart of Behavior, & Chapter 7, Discarding Unbiblical Methods 3.4

13 T H E C A S E for S E S S I O N 4 From Behavior to Heart I. H E A RT D I R E C T S B E H AV I O R I I. O U R T E N D E N C Y I S T O M A N I P U L AT E B E H AV I O R Whatever is going on in behavior is simply a display of what s going on in the heart. Ungodly behavior ALWAYS begins as attitudes of the heart. 4.1

14 I I I. M A N I P U L AT I O N R E S U LT S I N H Y P O C R I S Y 25 Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. 27 Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men s bones and everything unclean. Matthew 23:25,27 Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean. Matthew 23:26 I V. B I B L I C A L C AT E G O R I E S F O R U N D E R S TA N D I N G B E H AV I O R Love of self is the motivation behind ALL forms of behavior modification techniques. The genius of pharisaism is that it s external. You could look good on the outside while you re hiding mounds of wickedness and evil on the inside. 4.2

15 V. H O W L A S T I N G C H A N G E TA K E S P L A C E R E F L E C T I O N Q U E S T I O N S What s wrong with focusing on your child s behavior instead of his or her heart? In what specific ways do you attempt to manipulate your child s behavior? What needs to change in order for you to begin to address your child s heart? Tedd said, When you attempt to manipulate behavior you never get to the Gospel. Why is that? Tedd also said, If you re going to do this with your children, you re going to have to do it with yourself. Recall the last time you experienced conflict. How does the Gospel speak to what was going on in your heart? Lasting change never happens when we focus on behavior and exclude addressing the heart. Lasting change takes place when the richness and fullness of the Gospel is applied to the heart. When you attempt to manipulate behavior you never get to the Gospel. Suggested Reading: Shepherding a Child s Heart, Chapter 7, Discarding Unbiblical Methods 4.3

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17 T H E C A S E for K I D S S E S S I O N 5 Teaching Toddlers To Be Under Authority I. P E R I O D M A R K E D B Y C H A N G E Social change Spiritual change Intellectual change I I. O N E B I G L E S S O N : B E I N G P E O P L E U N D E R A U T H O R I T Y 1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 Honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise 3 that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth. Ephesians 6:1-3 Circle of Blessing There s no period of life in which there is as much radical change as there is in these first years of our children s lives. We need to be presenting this to our children that it is a blessing for us as creatures to live under the authority structures that God has established. 5.1

18 Misunderstanding authority: Standing over someone; telling them what to do. Authority is a biblical vision God calls me to be the authority in the lives of my kids. Gracious authority is a blessing to them; they lack wisdom, maturity, and life experience. I I I. D E F I N I T I O N O F T E R M S Obey (def.) Submission to God s authority that causes the child to do what he s told to by his parents immediately, without excuse, without complaint, and without question. Honor (def.) Submission to God s authority that causes a child to speak to his parents with respect for their role as God s agents of nurture, direction, and discipline. Authority is a blessing! Go well (def.) The spiritual blessing that comes to a child as he lives under God s authority; along with the natural blessings that come as the adults in his world recognize that he is obedient and trustworthy. You don t want to be your toddler s best friend. Your toddler doesn t need you as a best friend. Your toddler needs you as a godly parent. Long life (def.) The blessings of prosperity and protection, richness and fullness of life that God provides for the child who lives under his structures of authority. 5.2

19 I V. T H E F U N C T I O N O F D I S C I P L I N E A N D C O R R E C T I O N 5 And you have forgotten that word of encouragement that addresses you as sons: My son, do not make light of the Lord s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, 6 because the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son. Hebrews 12:5-6 When the child moves outside the circle, he puts himself in the way of danger. R E F L E C T I O N Q U E S T I O N S What guidelines should you establish to implement biblical authority? Are you a good model of submission to authorities? What patterns of disobedience have you tolerated in your home? What are the negative effects of your failure to establish biblical authority? What promises of Scripture encourage you to establish authority in your home? Discipline is us delighting in our children. It s us loving our children too much to leave them in the place of danger. Suggested Reading: Shepherding a Child s Heart, Chapter 14, Infancy to Childhood: Training Objectives 5.3

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21 T H E C A S E for S E S S I O N 6 Withhold Not Correction I. D I S C I P L I N E I S R E S T O R AT I V E Discipline (def.) A rescue mission aimed at returning the child to the circle of blessing. The function of discipline is not punitive, but corrective. Its goal is positive, not negative. I I. T H E R O D O F C O R R E C T I O N Thought forms in a culture change See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ. Colossians 2:8 God s Word never changes He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him. Proverbs 13:24 Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death. Proverbs 19:18 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him. Proverbs 22:15 Our children have to live in the context of the circle of blessing. And when they move outside of the circle they put themselves in danger. 6.1

22 13 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. 14 Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death. Proverbs 23: The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother. 17 Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul. Proverbs 29:15, 17 I I I. T H E H O W O F S PA N K I N G 1. Take your child to a private place. 2. Tell him specifically what he has done or failed to do. 3. Secure acknowledgment. 4. Remind him that your objective is restoration to the circle of blessing. This is a marvelous moment for the Gospel. This is why Jesus came When the wax is soft at the time of discipline and correction, it s the time to impress upon it the mark of grace. 5. Tell him how many swats he will receive. 6. Remove his drawers. 7. Restoration Tell him how much you love him. 8. Pray with him. 6.2

23 I V. C O M M O N Q U E S T I O N S A B O U T S PA N K I N G When do you spank? What do you use? When is a child old enough? What if I am too mad? What if we are not at home? What if he did not hear me? When is a child too old? What if it doesn t work? Can I use time out instead? What if it is too late? R E F L E C T I O N Q U E S T I O N S What would you say to someone who says that spanking is an outmoded concept that robs children of their dignity? What Scriptural principles should guide the when of using the rod of correction? What elements should be present in the how of using the rod of correction? What problem within your children requires the use of the rod of correction? How can the rod provide valuable opportunities to help your children see their need of Christ s work? Which is easier for you, spanking or talking? How can you avoid imbalance in this matter? You can t substitute man s ways for God s ways. Suggested Reading: Shepherding a Child s Heart, Chapter 15, Infancy to Childhood: Training Procedures 6.3

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25 T H E C A S E for S E S S I O N 7 A Fresh Look at Consequences: Sowing and Reaping I. T W O A S P E C T S O F W O R K I N G O U T T H E S O W I N G A N D R E A P I N G P R I N C I P L E O F S C R I P T U R E : F O R M AT I V E D I S C I P L I N E A N D C O R R E C T I V E D I S C I P L I N E Formative discipline: Biblical ways of thinking rooted in the Scripture God s Word: the measure of all things 46 He said to them, Take to heart all the words I have solemnly declared to you this day, so that you may command your children to obey carefully all the words of this law. 47 They are not just idle words for you they are your life. Deuteronomy 32:46-47a 3 But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God s holy people. 4 Nor should there be obscenity, foolish talk or coarse joking, which are out of place, but rather thanksgiving. 5 For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person such a man is an idolater has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God. 6 Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of such things God s wrath comes on those who are disobedient. 7 Therefore do not be partners with them. 8 For you were once darkness, but now you are light in the Lord. Live as children of light 9 (for the fruit of the light consists in all goodness, righteousness and truth) 10 and find out what pleases the Lord. 11 Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. Ephesians 5:3-11 The problem with behaviorism is that it s external. It s manipulative. It s event-oriented. And it doesn t usually bear lasting fruit. 7.1

26 Biblical truth set apart from human wisdom 22 Jews demand miraculous signs and Greeks look for wisdom, 23 but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, 24 but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. 25 For the foolishness of God is wiser than man s wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man s strength. 1 Corinthians 1: For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, 10 and you have been given fullness in Christ, who is the head over every power and authority. Colossians 2:9-10 Establishes God s right to speak and our right (as parents) to speak We have a right to speak that is rooted in his right to speak Our right to speak is established by the fact that there is a God in heaven who has revealed truth. You can t do your most effective teaching when your child has done something wrong and you are trying to correct him. That s not his most pliable moment. You can do your most effective teaching in those other non-confrontational moments. 25 Who cuts a channel for the torrents of rain, and a path for the thunderstorm, 26 to water a land where no man lives, a desert with no one in it, 27 to satisfy a desolate wasteland and make it sprout with grass? 28 Does the rain have a father? Who fathers the drops of dew? Provides the context for teaching sowing and reaping principle Job 38:

27 I I. B E H AV I O R I S M V S. S O W I N G A N D R E A P I N G P R I N C I P L E Behaviorism Sowing & Reaping 1. Often unrelated to behavior 1. Related as much as possible to problem 2. External and manipulative 2. Internal underscoring of principles of the Scripture 3. Event-oriented & temporary, 3. Process-oriented for child s often for parent s benefit eternal benefit 4. Controls and constrains 4. Concerned with fruit that behavior, often for wrong endures: godly character for reason usefulness in the Kingdom 5. Parent s personal standards 5. God s law is the standard are the rule for behavior and path of blessing R E F L E C T I O N Q U E S T I O N S Why is formative discipline so important? If I were to ask your child why he or she is disciplined (formative and/or corrective), what would he or she say? 7.3

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29 T H E C A S E for S E S S I O N 8 Deeper Dimensions of Reaping I. T W O T Y P E S O F C O N S E Q U E N C E S Natural what happens if no one interferes Shaped by parents parents determine the outcome that will underscore the principles of the Word of God I I. S H A P E D C O N S E Q U E N C E S M U S T B E Reasonable not extreme or excessive Logical connected to what went wrong Spiritual there is more reaping than the immediate consequences 13 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. 14 Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death. Proverbs 23:13-14 We need to have consequences that fit the circumstances. 8.1

30 I I I. D E E P E R D I M E N S I O N S O F R E A P I N G Relationship with God God will not be mocked 12 See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. 13 But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin s deceitfulness. Hebrews 3:12-13 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Galatians 6:7 Habits for life Bad habits will prove hard to shake Reputation How do you want to be considered? Relationship Behavior impacts all relationships You cannot harden your heart toward God and sin without reaping in relationship with God. There are deeper dimensions of reaping than just simply the consequences that Mom and Dad give. Unfortunately oftentimes our children don t recognize this. Long-term/eternal outcome Lifetime of usefulness is at stake I V. C O R R E C T I V E D I S C I P L I N E P R O C E S S Ask questions to draw out your children Remind of formative instruction 8.2

31 Help them to understand the serious outcomes of their behavior Relationship with God Habits of life Reputation Relationship with others Long-term/eternal outcome How can I help you? Let them know what you expect You must You may In the light of sowing you will reap Opportunity for children to respond Pray with and for your children R E F L E C T I O N Q U E S T I O N S What is formative discipline? What does it look like? Identify a particular personal struggle. Find five Bible verses that speak to your problem. How can you get on the same side of the problem with your child? We want to get on the same side of the problem as our child. The Word of God is powerful The truth of Scripture speaks to the needs of the human heart. 8.3

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33 T H E C A S E for S E S S I O N 9 Parents, Meet Your Teens I. S E A S O N F O R S U RV I VA L O R A G E O F O P P O RT U N I T Y : W H AT I S W R O N G W I T H T H E C U LT U R A L M O D E L? The Cultural View: Biological I I. T H E O P P O RT U N I T Y I S I N T H E T R O U B L E I I I. T H E B A D N E W S A N D T H E G O O D N E W S : T H E B I B L E S AY S N O T H I N G ; T H E B I B L E S AY S E V E RY T H I N G The wonderful thing about the teen years is that the more the child is making his own decisions, the more he is moving out into the world, the more his heart will be revealed. And that revelation of the heart provides wonderful opportunities. I V. P R O V E R B S L O O K S AT Y O U R T E E N S No hunger for wisdom and correction 5 Get wisdom, get understanding; do not forget my words or swerve from them. 6 Do not forsake wisdom, and she will protect you; love her, and she will watch over you. 7 Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. Proverbs 4:5-7 The teen years are years of distinctive and unprecedented opportunity. 9.1

34 Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid. Proverbs 12:1 Tendency toward legalism Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. Matthew 23:23 Tendency to be unwise in choice of companions Particularly susceptible to sexual temptations Absence of eschatological perspective Two things to give a teen: Harvest mentality Investment mentality Our job is to sell to our teenagers that which they are not seeking Our job is to make wisdom and correction beautiful. 19 Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 22 The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. 23 But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness. If then the light within you is darkness, how great is that darkness! 24 No one can serve two masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and Money. Matthew 6:

35 Lack of heart awareness The purposes of a man s heart are deep waters, but a man of understanding draws them out. Proverbs 20:5 R E F L E C T I O N Q U E S T I O N S How do you typically view conflict and trouble in your house? How do you make wisdom and correction look? What can you do differently to make wisdom and correction look beautiful? How does your teen feel about talking about sex with you? What needs to change to make these discussions possible? What kinds of questions can you use to draw out the deep waters of your teen s heart? The most important vision system of your teenager is not his physical eyes, it s his spiritual eyes. Suggested Reading: Age of Opportunity, Chapter 1, Age of Opportunity or Season for Survival, & Chapter 5, Parents, Meet Your Teenager, and Paul Tripp s Teens & Sex: How Should We Teach Them? Phillipsburg, New Jersey: P & R Publishing,

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37 T H E C A S E for S E S S I O N 1 0 Parents, Meet Your Teens: Part II 1 Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted. 2 Carry each other s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:1-2 I. O V E RV I E W: F I V E W O R D S F O R PA R E N T I N G T E E N A G E R S : Caught Restore Gently Watch Carry I I. C A U G H T: T H E C O N D I T I O N I I I. R E S T O R E : T H E M I S S I O N I will do this to recapture the hearts of the people of Israel, who have all deserted me for their idols. Ezekiel 14:5 This is a job description for parents. As sinners living in a fallen world, our teenagers are eminently trappable. There are snares all around them, and those snares look attractive. 10.1

38 The Lord says: These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men. Isaiah 29:13 4 You adulterous people, don t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? James 4:4-5 I V. G E N T LY: T H E C H A R A C T E R If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other. Galatians 5:15 V. WAT C H : T H E P R O T E C T I O N V I. C A R RY: T H E D A I LY G O A L If you want to be effective as God s instrument of heart change in your teenager, start with your own heart R E F L E C T I O N Q U E S T I O N S What are the traps I tend to fall into right now? What are the traps my teenager is tending to fall into right now? What is the deepest thing broken in the heart of my teenager?

39 T H E C A S E for S E S S I O N 1 1 Setting Godly Goals:Part I I. O V E RV I E W: H E A RT V S. B E H AV I O R I I. F I V E H E A RT G O A L S F O R Y O U R T E E N There s a war out there: teaching your teenager to understand and participate in the spiritual struggle 10 Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11 Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil s schemes. 12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13 Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Ephesians 6:10-13 What is valuable to your teens? Appearance Acceptance Possessions Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. Psalm 73:13 Parents, you need regulations for your children. You need proper direction with appropriate consequences. But you cannot reduce parenting down to regulation and control of behavior. 11.1

40 Convictions & Wisdom Convictions are always based on the Bible. do not change with circumstances. are always predetermined. There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death. are non-negotiable. are confident. are lived out. Proverbs 14:12 Wisdom Convictions are needed whenever you are facing an issue where God has given you a clear Thus says the Lord Convictions are the submission of the heart to God s standard. Suggested Reading: Age of Opportunity, Chapters 7, There s A War Out There, & Chapter 8, Convictions and Wisdom R E F L E C T I O N Q U E S T I O N S What is your child more likely to struggle with issues of appearance, acceptance, or possessions? Where do you see these struggles? How does your child struggle with the issue of identity? Do you live your life with clear convictions and with a demonstrable reliance upon the wisdom of God as it is expressed in his Word? If not, what needs to change? 11.2

41 T H E C A S E for S E S S I O N 1 2 Setting Godly Goals:PartII I. Q U I C K R E V I E W There s a war out there Convictions and Wisdom I I. T H R E E M O R E G O D LY G O A L S Life in the Real World: Understanding and interacting with the surrounding culture Culture (def.) Human beings, made in the image of God, will interact with God s world, and culture is the result. Power of Culture: Culture tends to set the pace of life. Culture tends to set the agenda for life. Culture will define and shape our relationships. Culture will powerfully influence our spiritual life. Three Different Responses to Culture: Isolationism 16 What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people. 17 Therefore come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you. 2 Corinthians 6:16-17 When you remove spirituality from the communication of a culture, you ve done something very significant. It changes the way you think about God, and who he is, and what he s planned for us. 12.1

42 Even from birth the wicked go astray; from the womb they are wayward and speak lies. Psalm 58:3 Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me. Psalm 51:5 13 You are the salt of the earth. But if the salt loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is no longer good for anything, except to be thrown out and trampled by men. 14 You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden. 15 Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. 16 In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:13-16 Assimilation Command those who are rich in this present world not to be arrogant nor to put their hope in wealth, which is so uncertain, but to put their hope in God, who richly provides us with everything for our enjoyment. 1 Timothy 6:17 Redemptive Interaction with culture Four Steps for preparing your teenager Prepare: Master the truth and be mastered by the truth Test: Give our children analytical and evaluative skills Decide: Conviction & wisdom issues Redeem: Sense of Mission God has called us to this redemptively interactive relationship with this culture. 12.2

43 Heart for God Then Jesus declared, I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. John 6:35 One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. Psalm 27:4 Leaving home Three windows on maturity Relationship to God Relationship to others Relationship to self R E F L E C T I O N Q U E S T I O N S Where can I redeem life? How would your teen evaluate your life? What does he or she think you love with all your heart? What dominates your life? What are you pursuing? What are you doing to prepare your teen to leave the home? What should you be doing? Is your child growing? Is your child ready to be emancipated from home? If not, what needs to happen? What can you do to get him or her there? Life is only ever found in relationship with the Lord. The job of parenting is to work yourself out of a job. Suggested Reading: Age of Opportunity, Chapter 9, Life In The Real World, Chapter 10, A Heart for God & Chapter 11, Leaving Home 12.3

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45 T H E C A S E for K I D S S E S S I O N 1 3 It s Not JustYour TeenWho Is Struggling I. F I G H T S A N D Q U A R R E L S : C O N F L I C T S W I T H T E E N A G E R S 1 What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don t they come from your desires that battle within you? 2 You want something but don t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. 3 When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. 4 You adulterous people, don t you know that friendship with the world is hatred toward God? Anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. 5 Or do you think Scripture says without reason that the spirit he caused to live in us envies intensely? 6 But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble. 7 Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. James 4:1-10 Your anger comes out of your heart. People and situations are not the cause of your anger. They are the occasion in which your anger expresses itself. 13.1

46 I I. T H E N AT U R E O F D E S I R E S It is not wrong to have desires These desires are not necessarily wrong They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator who is forever praised. Amen. Romans 1:25 I I I. R U L I N G D E S I R E S : T Y P I C A L PA R E N TA L I D O L S I V. H O W D E S I R E TA K E S C O N T R O L Your anger with your children reveals your heart reveals the idols of your heart. Human conflict is rooted in spiritual adultery. 13.2

47 V. F R U I T O F T H E S E I D O L S I N Y O U R R E L AT I O N S H I P W I T H Y O U R T E E N A G E R Moments of ministry become moments of anger Personalize what is not personal Tend to be adversarial in your approach Tend to settle for situational solutions that do not get to the heart Tend to be more driven by personal desire than God s purpose Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs. Jonah 2:8 R E F L E C T I O N Q U E S T I O N S What is important to you? What does this reveal about YOUR heart? What does it look like when something goes from a desire to a demand? How have your demanding desires helped or hurt your interactions with your teenager? How can you go back and fix the mistakes that you have made in the past? How will the gospel help to renew your heart in these situations? Your idolatry puts you in the way of, rather than being part of, what God wants to do in your life and the life of your child. Suggested Reading: Age of Opportunity Chapter 2, Whose Idols Are in the Way? 13.3

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49 T H E C A S E for S E S S I O N 1 4 Helping Kids See God s Glory I. W E W E R E D E S I G N E D T O B E D A Z Z L E D They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator who is forever praised. Amen. Roman 1:25 I I. T Y P I C A L I D O L S O F T H E H E A RT Pride and Performance Possessions Power and Influence Pleasure and Sensuality Our children are instinctively, compulsively worshippers. They cannot help worshipping. They were made for worship A major portion of our task, every day, as parents is holding out for them the worship of the one, true, and living God. 14.1

50 I I I. K E Y D E S C R I P T I O N O F PA R E N T I N G : P S A L M I will exalt you, my God the King; I will praise your name for ever and ever. 2 Every day I will praise you and extol your name for ever and ever. 3 Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise; his greatness no one can fathom. 4 One generation will commend your works to another; they will tell of your mighty acts. 5 They will speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty, and I will meditate on your wonderful works. 6 They will tell of the power of your awesome works, and I will proclaim your great deeds. 7 They will celebrate your abundant goodness and joyfully sing of your righteousness. 8 The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. 9 The LORD is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made. 10 All you have made will praise you, O LORD; your saints will extol you. 11 They will tell of the glory of your kingdom and speak of your might, 12 so that all men may know of your mighty acts and the glorious splendor of your kingdom. 13 Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. One generation will commend your works to another. That s parenting! 14.2 The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. 14 The LORD upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. 15 The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. 16 You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. 17 The LORD is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. 18 The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. 19 He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;

51 he hears their cry and saves them. 20 The LORD watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he will destroy. 21 My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD. Let every creature praise his holy name for ever and ever. I V. A B R I E F S U RV E Y O F T H E P S A L M S : B E I N G AW E D B Y T H E G O D W H O I S E N O U G H 6 Many are asking, Who can show us any good? Let the light of your face shine upon us, O LORD. 7 You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound. Psalm 4:6-7 1 Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge. 2 I said to the LORD, You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing 5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure. 6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance. 7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me. 8 I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. 9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure 11 You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16:1-2, 5-9, 11 We ve got to be holding out for our children the only true object worthy of worship, the true and living God. 14.3

52 1 The LORD is my light and my salvation whom shall I fear? The LORD is the stronghold of my life of whom shall I be afraid? 2 When evil men advance against me to devour my flesh, when my enemies and my foes attack me, they will stumble and fall. 3 Though an army besiege me, my heart will not fear; though war break out against me, even then will I be confident. 4 One thing I ask of the LORD, this is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the LORD all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD and to seek him in his temple. 5 For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his tabernacle and set me high upon a rock. Psalm 27:1-5 To know God is greater than life! The heart of the Gospel is about the glory of God. 5 Your love, O LORD, reaches to the heavens, your faithfulness to the skies. 6 Your righteousness is like the mighty mountains, your justice like the great deep. O LORD, you preserve both man and beast. 7 How priceless is your unfailing love! Both high and low among men find refuge in the shadow of your wings. 8 They feast on the abundance of your house; you give them drink from your river of delights. 9 For with you is the fountain of life; in your light we see light. Psalm 36: O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you,

53 in a dry and weary land where there is no water. 2 I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. 3 Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. 4 I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. 5 My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips my mouth will praise you. Psalm 63: Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. 26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Psalm 73: Hear, O my people, and I will warn you if you would but listen to me, O Israel! 9 You shall have no foreign god among you; you shall not bow down to an alien god. 10 I am the LORD your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it But you would be fed with the finest of wheat; with honey from the rock I would satisfy you. Psalm 81:8-10, 16 1 Sing to the LORD a new song; sing to the LORD, all the earth. 2 Sing to the LORD, praise his name; proclaim his salvation day after day. 3 Declare his glory among the nations, his marvelous deeds among all peoples. Psalm 96:1-3 Until our children have seen that Jesus is the priceless treasure they will never know God, and love God, and serve God. 14.5

54 V. O T H E R PA S S A G E S The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field. Matthew 13:44 1 Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters; and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. 2 Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. 3 Give ear and come to me; hear me, that your soul may live. I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David. Isaiah 55:1-3 R E F L E C T I O N Q U E S T I O N S What dazzles you? What does your mind automatically wander to in down-time moments? What would your child say was the most important thing to you? How can you move from being dazzled by the creation to being dazzled by the Creator? Tedd says, A major portion of our task as parents is to hold out for our children the worship of the one, true, living God. How can you do this? You can t give to your children what you don t have. What needs to change in your life in order for you to fulfill your parental task? Think of three things that amaze you about God. Share them with your child Have your entire family memorize Psalm 145 and then look for things in your everyday life which are concrete demonstrations of the theology of Psalm 145.