Coming Out About Your Interfaith Relationship. Tips for Telling Your Parents About Your Interfaith Relationship

Transcription

1 Current Web Magazine Issue - InterfaithFamily.com Page 1 of 2 HOME RESOURCE PAGES CURRENT WEB MAGAZINE ISSUE ARTICLE ARCHIVE CONNECTIONS IN YOUR AREA BLOGS DISCUSSION BOARDS NEWS AND ADVOCACY ABOUT IFF PRESS ROOM STORE Find powered by FreeFind Home > > Current Web Magazine Issue Web Magazine Print entire issue Coming Out About Your Interfaith Relationship Issue 210: June 5, 2007 FEATURED ARTICLES Tips for Telling Your Parents About Your Interfaith Relationship By Carol Targum Not sure how to broach this sensitive subject? Try these tips. Read More "You Have Shamed Us" By Marina Budhos She never got to know her grandfather because her mom married an Indian- Caribbean man. Read More Coming Out to My Co-Workers By Rachel Rockenmacher Telling your parents is the easy part. But how do you reveal your relationship to other Jewish professionals? Read More Featured Partners/Funders/Links Login Login Name: Password: ALSO IN THIS ISSUE More Articles on Coming Out About Your Interfaith Relationship The Blessing of Two Mothers By Peggy Dorf When a Jewish woman gets engaged to a Catholic man, she wonders what both sets of parents will think. "In the Mix": Coming Out as Intermarried By Julie Wiener Not Signed Up? Find Out More. For seven years in Jewish journalism, she didn't tell people her husband was Catholic. The Accidental Intermarriage By Abby Spotts

2 Current Web Magazine Issue - InterfaithFamily.com Page 2 of 2 How will the first dinner with the parents turn out? From Our Archives Overcoming Our Religious Differences By Madhavi Kushner Her religiously eclectic family wonders what marrying a Jewish man will mean. Will she have to wear a wig? News and Opinion Can Intermarriage Be a Form of Outreach? By Rabbi Kerry M. Olitzky What if the Jewish community saw intermarriage as a way to engage the non-jewish world--and not a threat to the Jewish one? Arts and Entertainment Baby on Board: A Review of Knocked Up By Alizah Salario A Jewish stoner and am ambitious non-jewish woman make unlikely--and accidental--parents in the hilarious new comedy. Interfaith Celebrities: Amy Winehouse's Non-Jewish Husband and Nicolas Sarkozy's Half-Jewish Wife By Nate Bloom They tried to make her go to rehab, she said no, no, no--and now she's saying the same to having a Jewish wedding. Drawn Together: R. Crumb's Beloved Aline Kominsky By Ilana Arazie Guess which one is Jewish: nebbishy underground comic legend Ralph Crumb, or his tall, leggy wife Aline? InterfaithFamily.com P.O. Box 428, Newton, MA network@interfaithfamily.com Privacy Policy

3 Page 1 of 2 HOME RESOURCE PAGES CURRENT WEB MAGAZINE ISSUE ARTICLE ARCHIVE Life-Cycle Ceremonies Holidays Relationships Love and Marriage Raising Children in Interfaith Growing Up in an Interfaith Family Interdating Adoption Extended Family Relationships Telling Parents About Religious Decisions for Your Children Grandparenting Divorce and Step-Family Issues Travel Multi-racial and Multi-cultural Jewish-Muslim Relationships Gay Interfaith Relationships Spirituality Arts and Entertainment News and Opinion InterfaithFamily.com InterfaithFamily.com Magazine Past Issues By Year CONNECTIONS IN YOUR AREA BLOGS DISCUSSION BOARDS NEWS AND ADVOCACY ABOUT IFF PRESS ROOM STORE powered by FreeFind Find Home > Article Archive > Relationships > Extended Family Relationships For more information, visit our Marriage and Relationships Resource Page. Tips for Telling Your Parents About Your Interfaith Relationship By Carol Targum Your relationship with your partner has become increasingly serious. You now find yourself talking in terms of "we" and envisioning a long future together. But you have not yet communicated the depth of your interfaith relationship to your parents. How you approach this discussion with your parents is an important juncture--for you, your partner and your parents. Initiating the conversation with your parents and responding to their reactions calls for calm, clear communication. Here are some tips to make the conversation smoother. Have the conversation in person, without your partner, if at all possible. Although sitting in the same room as your parents, without your partner, may provoke some anxiety, it is the best way to talk about your interfaith relationship. Having a face-to-face discussion allows for eye contact, observation, attention to nuances and the greater possibility for empathy, all of which are important ingredients in good communication. And what could be more significant than talking about the love in your life and the deepening relationship between you? Be direct and tell your parents how important this person is in your life. Let your parents know you would like them to get to know your partner better and that you believe over time they will see the same wonderful qualities you do. Ask them to be open to getting to know your partner's many good qualities. Perhaps your partner is smart, funny, kind, thoughtful--or all of these. Religion is only one aspect of a whole person. Share specific examples with your parents of some of the ways your partner has been good to you and for you. Know where you and your partner stand on interfaith issues. Even if you do not have all the answers, reassure your parents that as a couple you are ready to face the challenges interfaith issues will play in your future life together. Tell them you are giving careful consideration to the subject and know that some aspects are part of an evolving process. Let them know what you have decided so far, and assure them that you will keep them informed as your plans and decisions crystallize. It is easier for parents if they feel they will be kept "in the loop." Anticipate their reactions and listen to their concerns respectfully. You have known your parents all your life, so let that be your guide. Imagine yourself in their place--what might they be thinking and feeling while you are talking? Be prepared to acknowledge their feelings and validate their concerns while continuing to be diplomatic and considerate. If you want them to respect your decision, then you must be prepared to respect their feelings. Thoughtful listening and understanding of their viewpoint does not mean you have to agree with it or follow it. Expressing empathy allows you to leave the door open for continued dialogue. Reassure them that you want to continue to be part of the family. Your parents may fear that you will not stay connected to them because you are serious with a person of another faith tradition. Ease their doubts by telling them that being part of an interfaith relationship does not mean you will disconnect yourself from your own family. You will still be part of the family's celebrations and traditions. Let them know that your partner would like to get to know them better also. As a couple you would like to forge a new relationship with your parents and continue being part of their life. Acceptance takes time. Acknowledge that this may not be what your parents had dreamed of and that you understand it may take a while for them to adjust to your interfaith relationship. Let them know you are willing to give them the time they need. Patience and consideration can keep the doors of a relationship open. Use this as an opportunity to grow. If you handle this conversation with clarity, calm and understanding, you will demonstrate to your parents that you are a thoughtful and caring adult, albeit always "their child." New ways of relating to parents can bring about wonderful changes for both the adult child and their parents. Wouldn't it be wonderful to begin the next phase of your life with a new and improved relationship with your family? If this talk does not go as you had hoped--leave the door open. Disappointment in your parents' reactions may be painful for you, but by remaining open to revisiting the

4 Page 2 of 2 conversation both you and your parents have much to gain. Try to remember that your parents' concerns and attitudes actually have their roots in their love for you. Most parents eventually come to understand the importance of their child's interfaith relationship and come to terms with it. Show your love for them by continuing contact despite your frustration and gently persist in keeping communication open. Featured Partners/Funders/Links Carol S. Targum is a retired social worker with a deep interest in interfaith issues. Carol is co-chair of Interfaith Initiatives at Temple Israel, Boston, a large urban congregation with a diverse population. She is a program facilitator for the Union of Reform Judaism Northeast Region and she has written a pilot program titled "Inside Interfaith Marriage." She serves on the Combined Jewish Philanthropies "Interfaith Task Force," and on the boards of InterfaithFamily.com and Mayyim Hayyim: Living Waters Community Mikveh and Education Center, for spirituality and learning. Login Login Name: Password: Not Signed Up? Find Out More. InterfaithFamily.com P.O. Box 428, Newton, MA network@interfaithfamily.com Privacy Policy

5 Page 1 of 3 HOME RESOURCE PAGES CURRENT WEB MAGAZINE ISSUE ARTICLE ARCHIVE Life-Cycle Ceremonies Holidays Relationships Love and Marriage Raising Children in Interfaith Growing Up in an Interfaith Family Interdating Adoption Extended Family Relationships Telling Parents About Religious Decisions for Your Children Grandparenting Divorce and Step-Family Issues Travel Multi-racial and Multi-cultural Jewish-Muslim Relationships Gay Interfaith Relationships Spirituality Arts and Entertainment News and Opinion InterfaithFamily.com InterfaithFamily.com Magazine Past Issues By Year CONNECTIONS IN YOUR AREA BLOGS DISCUSSION BOARDS NEWS AND ADVOCACY ABOUT IFF PRESS ROOM STORE powered by FreeFind Find Home > Article Archive > Relationships > Extended Family Relationships For more information, visit our Marriage and Relationships Resource Page. "You Have Shamed Us" By Marina Budhos This article was originally published in Grand Fathers: Reminiscences, Poems, Recipes, and Photos of the Keepers of Our Tradition, edited by Nikki Giovanni (Henry Holt & Co., 1999) and is reprinted with permission of the author. I never met my grandfather, which is exactly how he wanted it. The day my mother told her parents that she was going to marry a dark, handsome Indian man from the Caribbean, my Jewish grandfather retreated into his bedroom, sat down on the bed, and said four words in Yiddish: "You have shamed us." From that day on, he refused to have anything to do with his only daughter, never met his son-in-law, and never set his eyes on his two grandchildren. My grandparents were Orthodox Jews from Russia, first cousins whose marriage was arranged shortly after they each settled in Brooklyn, New York. They lived next door to the synagogue, ran a grocery together, and reared their daughter, expecting order and obedience in their home. During my mother's exile, my grandmother kept up a secret life--visiting us in our small apartment in Jackson Heights, Queens, writing fretful letters to my mother when she stayed for months with my father's family in Guyana. Eight years after she married, my mother received a desperate call from her mother: my grandfather was in the hospital. At the time, my brother was 7, and I had just turned 1. Upon arriving at the hospital, my mother was told by the doctors that my grandfather had, at most, six weeks to live. She and my grandmother chose not to tell him the truth of his condition. So she headed into that hospital room, heavy with the knowledge of her father's death, aware that this was her final goodbye and yet, strangely enough, her first hello since she had begun her new life. Propped up in his bed, my grandfather greeted her with a characteristically half-critical, half-approving remark: "So, I hear your floors are so clean you can eat off of them!" She laughed. This was the language between parent and child that she knew so well--love and duty, entwined like two barbed wires, each piercing the other. My grandfather died the day before Yom Kippur, the holiest day of the year, when Jews fast and pray, ask for forgiveness, and atone for their sins. By Jewish law, a person must be buried immediately after death in a plain wooden coffin wrapped in a prayer shawl. Since this was a High Holiday, my mother and grandmother could not find a rabbi, and had to bury my grandfather the day after. My mother took care of all the arrangements, listening, at the burial, to the gossip around her from family friends and relatives, the murmurs from people who had thought she was dead. Somehow, she had made her peace with her father; somehow, on that rainy, difficult Yom Kippur in 1961, she found her way to forgiveness. I'm not sure I ever did. Years later, when I was writing my first novel, which was partially based on my mother's early break with her family, I tried to imagine this man, who so coldly turned his back on his only daughter; who lived only a subway ride away from us, but chose not to see his own grandchildren. I was spending a month at Yaddo, a writer's colony, and worked in a round tower room where I spread old photographs in a circle on the windowsill. I also read letters my mother had

6 Page 2 of 3 written during her time in Guyana. They were mostly reassurances to a worried mother, though underneath I could read my grandmother's sense of abandonment. In all these letters, my grandfather was oddly out of the picture. Did he hear about his chubby grandson, spoiled by his Caribbean-Indian aunts? Or his skinny daughter, gaining weight and nurtured back to health, as she was fed on mangoes and coconut milk and chicken curry? Featured Partners/Funders/Links Login Login Name: Password: Not Signed Up? Find Out More. In that bright and sunny room, my grandfather stared back at me, bald and bland, hardly the image of a fearsome, tyrannical Jewish patriarch. The photo showed him behind the counter at a grocery, a place he worked after his own business failed. He was apple-cheeked, yet melancholy, inward-looking. He was forcing the smile. He looked out of place next to the signs for eggs and cheese, the weighing scale. He wore his white grocer's coat like a costume. My grandfather hated being a grocer. If it weren't for the pogroms in Russia that drove my family from Uman, just outside Kiev, he would have remained at his yeshiva, studying in his airy citadel of words, retreating from the world of flesh-and-blood loyalties and conflicts. Maybe we weren't so different, I thought, as I scribbled away in my own writer's tower. I understood the power of words--how they harm, how they show love, how they are also an act of faith. My grandfather was happiest reading the Talmud, or listening to the soulful swell and rise of opera on his 78 records. America, with all its swift changeability, terrified him. There is a story that one day, soon after he arrived in the country, his younger brother came driving up in a car and invited him for a ride. My grandfather got in the passenger seat, but was so frightened he stepped out while the car was still moving. That was my grandfather: stubbornly braced against the modern world, even as events propelled him forward. My grandfather was a Kohane, one of the priest class who perform particular rituals during the synagogue ceremonies. During the Depression, when he was forced to keep his store open on the Sabbath, he turned his back on the synagogue, and never went again. If he could not observe completely, he would not observe at all. In the same way, if his daughter would not obey him, then she was no daughter at all. This starkness, this cold extremism, became his legacy. For I knew my grandfather through my mother's own rages when she felt wronged, and disagreement was seen as disobedience. I learned that authority could not be questioned. God demanded that Abraham sacrifice his son Isaac to prove his devotion. Duty and obedience were all. Still, there was a difference in my life. My mother inherited the language of stormy rejection, but she had also suffered through her father's barbed silence. She would never fully turn her back on me, as her own father had done. Her anger was also an expression of pained attachment. That Jewish knot of pain and rejection remained inside me. I married a Jewish man, under a chuppah, and my grandfather would be shocked to know that he is, ironically, a Kohane, the grandson of the chief rabbi of Kiev. He is also a man who lives by the word, as an editor and a scholar, and who loves nothing better than to listen to opera. And in me, too, there is still a small, querulous, Old Testament core, a right-from-wrong ethical-mindedness that runs strong and deep. I am drawn to the mysterious beauty and purity of ritual, but I can never forgive a man who, like Abraham, loved his God, his tradition, more than his own flesh and blood. There is a Jewish proverb: "A blow passes, but a word remains." With those four words--"you have shamed us"--my grandfather may have turned his back on us, but his words remained. His was a powerful silence, reaching across generations, damaging and shaping, teaching us a fierce, uncompromising language of pain and exile. And like it or not, my grandfather lived on with us, no matter how hard he tried to stay away. Marina Budhos is the author of several books, most recently Ask Me No Questions, which was named an ALA Best Book and Notable Book for She is currently on the faculty of William Paterson University and her website is InterfaithFamily.com P.O. Box 428, Newton, MA network@interfaithfamily.com Privacy Policy

7 Page 1 of 2 HOME RESOURCE PAGES CURRENT WEB MAGAZINE ISSUE ARTICLE ARCHIVE Life-Cycle Ceremonies Holidays Relationships Love and Marriage Raising Children in Interfaith Growing Up in an Interfaith Family Interdating Adoption Extended Family Relationships Telling Parents About Religious Decisions for Your Children Grandparenting Divorce and Step-Family Issues Travel Multi-racial and Multi-cultural Jewish-Muslim Relationships Gay Interfaith Relationships Spirituality Arts and Entertainment News and Opinion InterfaithFamily.com InterfaithFamily.com Magazine Past Issues By Year CONNECTIONS IN YOUR AREA BLOGS DISCUSSION BOARDS NEWS AND ADVOCACY ABOUT IFF PRESS ROOM STORE powered by FreeFind Find Home > Article Archive > Relationships > Extended Family Relationships For more information, visit our Marriage and Relationships Resource Page. Coming Out to My Co-Workers By Rachel Rockenmacher When Manny and I told our families we were getting married they were not surprised. We had taken seven years to consider our different religious, cultural, national, linguistic and class backgrounds. We were old enough--he was 36 and I was 31--not to feel pressured by our parents, anyway. Most of our friends and family were supportive, some disapproved, and a few surprised us. Some comments were direct, some overheard in whispers, and some we never heard. My father is an Ashkenazi Jewish doctor, my mother a health professional and convert to Judaism from an English Protestant family that has been in America for several centuries and has a history documented to before the Crusades. I have two Ivy League degrees and had begun a Ph.D. program when we met. Manny emigrated at 10 from the Azores, a tiny, remote archipelago in the middle of the Atlantic. In America he was happy to have shoes in the winter, indoor plumbing, electricity and medical care. Manny had dropped out of high school because his parents needed him to support the family, though he had later earned a GED. Manny's family was glad he was getting married at all. Most of his siblings were already the parents of teenagers, having gotten married in their teens after exchanging photos and letters by mail to spouses from their island selected by relatives. Two decades earlier Manny had refused to marry the cousin his family selected for him to help her family qualify to emigrate. My father-in-law, who had worked hard to learn English and assimilate, was proud to have an "American" daughter-in-law. My mother-in-law, who had never learned much English, was pleased that I was learning to speak Portuguese and cook Portuguese recipes. Manny's siblings and cousins were glad I helped to care for his ailing parents. I knew enough Portuguese to understand that some were impressed that my father was a doctor, that my mother is blonde and fair, and that I had worked as a teacher. Only Manny's brother was concerned about his marrying a non-christian in terms of the fate of our souls and those of any future children. After many discussions with me about religious doctrine, he now says he respects my beliefs and religious education. Other relatives reassured me that they don't mind that I am not Catholic. My parents could hardly complain about my intermarriage since they intermarried themselves. In addition, my youngest sister is married to an Irish "lapsed Catholic" and my other sister married her African-American boyfriend of many years the summer after my marriage. My parents warmly welcomed all their sons-in-law. My extended family was also welcoming, and at our Jewish wedding reception both sides of the family shared their common interest in food, family, music and dancing. The only negative comment I heard was from a cousin who said, with pursed lips, "You can do anything [for the ceremony] if you marry out." At my workplace, a "job with Jewish content," 1 I decided to tell people about my engagement to a non-jew to avert the disapproving whispers I had heard the previous year when a Jewish friend at work intermarried. Several people in positions above mine had published works opposing intermarriage. One person responded to my announcement as if I was giving him "some sort of confession"; most had little to say. However, the confessions my disclosure drew forth at work from some of the most observant Jews surprised me. One admitted to having modified his staunch position against intermarriage when a family member ended an interfaith relationship, never married and regretted the choice. He said he felt less conflicted in my case because any children we might have would at least be Jewish according to halakha, Jewish rabbinic law. Since then, another

8 Page 2 of 2 outspoken opponent of intermarriage has confided to having a child who is engaged to a non- Jew who will convert. An ultra-orthodox colleague confided that he could accept a daughter's intermarriage (with certain restrictions) if she was unable to find someone Jewish. I doubt they have discussed these positions with each other. Featured Partners/Funders/Links Login Login Name: I was surprised to find that more eyebrows seemed to be raised by my marrying across lines of class than religion. I overheard whispers at work and between relatives that Manny never went to college, or that someone saw him street performing on a weekend. Most didn't recognize him when he served them as a waiter; others hired him for handyman jobs and asked for home repair advice. Some stopped themselves mid-sentence from asking me about his job as if it were a dirty secret, or tried to help him find "better work" or more education. Someone I had thought was a friend told me, "You help these people but you don't marry them." It was a very traditional rabbi at work who most accepted Manny's class background, emphasizing the importance of his "kind heart." Still, he was the only person I did not dare tell that Manny was not Jewish. Since then, I have learned that Manny likely has Jewish ancestry. The Azores were settled when Jews fled the Inquisition in Portugal, Torah scrolls have been recovered from caves and grottos and Manny's mother revealed multiple convincing signs of crypto-judaism to me before she passed away. But whether or not we actually share a common Jewish heritage, cultural or class background does not change the fact that we are still happy together 10 years later. 1 Term used by Tobin Belzer in "Jewish Identity at Work: Gen-Xers in Jewish Jobs." Unpublished Dissertation, Brandeis University, Waltham, Mass., Pending publication, SUNY Press. Password: Not Signed Up? Find Out More. Rachel Rockenmacher lives with her husband and son in the Boston area, close to family on both sides. She and her sisters frequently discuss reconciling their families' multiple racial, ethnic, religious, class and linguistic heritages. She also works on balancing the demands of family, work and graduate school. InterfaithFamily.com P.O. Box 428, Newton, MA network@interfaithfamily.com Privacy Policy

9 Page 1 of 2 HOME RESOURCE PAGES CURRENT WEB MAGAZINE ISSUE ARTICLE ARCHIVE Life-Cycle Ceremonies Holidays Relationships Love and Marriage Raising Children in Interfaith Growing Up in an Interfaith Family Interdating Adoption Extended Family Relationships Telling Parents About Religious Decisions for Your Children Grandparenting Divorce and Step-Family Issues Travel Multi-racial and Multi-cultural Jewish-Muslim Relationships Gay Interfaith Relationships Spirituality Arts and Entertainment News and Opinion InterfaithFamily.com InterfaithFamily.com Magazine Past Issues By Year CONNECTIONS IN YOUR AREA BLOGS DISCUSSION BOARDS NEWS AND ADVOCACY ABOUT IFF PRESS ROOM STORE powered by FreeFind Find Home > Article Archive > Relationships > Extended Family Relationships For more information, visit our Marriage and Relationships Resource Page. The Blessing of Two Mothers By Peggy Dorf "What would you do if I married a non-jew?" I don't remember how old I was when I asked my mother that question. Maybe 14, with my faded blue jeans, frizzy halo of hair and round granny glasses. I do remember leaning against the kitchen door as she answered. Mom was facing the sink. I don't think she even bothered to turn around. "That won't happen," she answered with great assurance. "Your brothers, maybe. But you? Never." I could see her point. I had been an enthusiastic bat mitzvah, I was active in the youth group at our Reform synagogue and I was always reading and discussing books on Jewish topics. Later, I would take Hebrew and Judaic Studies courses in college, apply to rabbinic school and--when I was not accepted--move to Israel, where I was to remain for seven years. Fast-forward 25 years, to the mid-1990s. I am engaged to a wonderful man who was raised a Catholic. He has not maintained a connection to the Church, yet he does not plan to convert to Judaism. I do not insist. I have promised to love him just as he is, and he has already agreed to my primary prenuptial condition: "Our kids will be raised as Jews," I had mandated, shockingly early in our relationship. He had agreed with a shrug: "Sure, whatever." The relationship progressed. We took an Introduction to Judaism class together at the JCC and began constructing a Jewish home life. Mom came to visit, and expressed some surprise when we prepared Shabbat dinner, lit candles and recited the Kiddush. "I don't know where she gets it from," she said to Sean, almost apologetically. "It certainly wasn't from me." My mother was thrilled when we announced our engagement. I was almost 39, her youngest child and only daughter. Dad had died two years earlier, and Mom was relieved to see me settled with a terrific guy who loved me and made me happy. "Does it bother you that he's not Jewish?" I asked one day. "If he is Jewish enough for you," she answered, returning to the subject at hand, "he's Jewish enough for me." That was her final word on the subject. We had her blessing. Sean's father and sister and my two brothers congratulated us warmly. None of them had a particularly religious bent, and all were pleased at the prospect of our marriage. Among the happy phone calls, I anticipated an awkward moment. My mother wasn't the only one whose child was entering an interfaith marriage. How would Sean's mother feel about the prospect of a non-catholic daughter-in law? She and I did not know each other very well, and on the surface, we had little in common besides love for her son. She welcomed our news. I thought the conversation was going pretty well. Then my future mother-in law asked the 60,000-dollar question: "Have you thought about how you will raise your children?" "Yes," I said, as gently as I could, "we plan to raise them as Jews." There was silence on the line for a brief moment. Then she replied: "I thought you would. The children usually follow the mother." There was another pause. "I'm glad you're choosing to raise them with a religious tradition," she continued. "Children need to know where they belong." I was touched--and relieved--by her graciousness. I had heard stories of in-laws who were

10 Page 2 of 2 bitterly opposed to their grandchildren's religious upbringing. I had just been told that my future children and I would face no such battles. "There is something else," I added. "We will teach our children to respect and accept people of all religions, especially in their own family. That's how Sean was raised." "Yes, he was," Sean's mother acknowledged, with a catch in her voice. "Thank you for saying so." Of all the conversations between us in the years that have followed, that one still stands out in my mind. We struck a bargain that day, over the future of a grandchild who was no more than an idea, "a twinkle in her father's eye." Featured Partners/Funders/Links Login Login Name: Password: Today, that child is daily growing more confident and proud of the traditions, language and religion of her mother--and of the culture and heritage of her father. Her birth swept away any doubts that may have lingered in the minds of her grandparents, and they love and accept her without reservation. As the parents of that beloved child, Sean and I have been gathered into each other's families in a way that our marriage alone could not have brought about. Our differences have not disappeared, and they are not inconsequential. Within our families, our differences bring new perspectives to our lives and relationships--a legacy of the blessings of our mothers. Peggy Dorf is a writer, marketing consultant, promotional merchandise distributor, wife, mother and indefatigable volunteer in Portland, Ore. Not Signed Up? Find Out More. InterfaithFamily.com P.O. Box 428, Newton, MA network@interfaithfamily.com Privacy Policy

11 Page 1 of 2 HOME RESOURCE PAGES CURRENT WEB MAGAZINE ISSUE ARTICLE ARCHIVE Life-Cycle Ceremonies Holidays Relationships Love and Marriage Raising Children in Interfaith Growing Up in an Interfaith Family Interdating Adoption Extended Family Relationships Telling Parents About Religious Decisions for Your Children Grandparenting Divorce and Step-Family Issues Travel Multi-racial and Multi-cultural Jewish-Muslim Relationships Gay Interfaith Relationships Spirituality Arts and Entertainment News and Opinion InterfaithFamily.com InterfaithFamily.com Magazine Past Issues By Year CONNECTIONS IN YOUR AREA BLOGS DISCUSSION BOARDS NEWS AND ADVOCACY ABOUT IFF PRESS ROOM STORE powered by FreeFind Find Home > Article Archive > Relationships > Extended Family Relationships For more information, visit our Marriage and Relationships Resource Page. "In the Mix": Coming Out As Intermarried By Julie Wiener Reprinted from The (New York) Jewish Week with permission of the author. Sept. 15, 2006 A few weeks after Joe and I got engaged, when I was still unaccustomed to the sparkly ring on my finger, I began my career in journalism. The editor of the Detroit Jewish News introduced me to my fellow reporters, and everyone immediately wanted to know if I was married--if not, they would happily set to work fixing me up. "I'm engaged," I said shyly. As my new colleagues plied me for information about Joe and the wedding plans, I nervously answered, praying no one would ask point blank, "Is he Jewish?" I was worried enough about my credentials for the job. Although I spoke Hebrew and had picked up assorted Jewish facts from religious friends, my formal Jewish education was limited to a semester abroad at Tel Aviv University. If people discovered I was about to intermarry, I'd surely be exposed as a Jewish fraud. Eventually I "came out" at the office, although I worked at Jewish publications for almost seven years in a semi-closeted state: I was evasive when the subject of my husband arose and kept quiet when I heard intermarriage blamed for all that ails American Jewry. I use the terms "came out" and "closeted," because in many ways the situation of intermarrieds in the organized Jewish community is similar to that of gays and lesbians in society at large. Just as many Americans view homosexuality as immoral and question whether gays and lesbians are appropriate parents and teachers, many Jews continue to regard intermarriage as taboo and believe that intermarried Jews are poor role models. All the movements bar intermarried Jews from entering rabbinical school, and the Conservative movement also bars its institutions from hiring intermarried Jews to teach or serve in leadership positions, although this policy is not always obeyed. Traditionally, people have assumed that marrying out signifies the ultimate abandonment of the Jewish people--so how could an intermarried Jew lead? Nonetheless, with intermarriage more pervasive and less stigmatized, at least among the rank and file, growing numbers of intermarried folks are remaining involved in Jewish life, raising Jewish children and in some cases choosing Jewish careers. On a listserv discussion this summer for Jewish professionals, several people--from federations, campus Hillels, JCCs and Reform temples across the country--said they are married to gentiles. Almost all were women, which I think says less about intermarriage than about the largely female Jewish communal workforce. Some, like Susan Detwiler, the executive director of the University of Delaware Hillel, were married for decades before entering Jewish communal service. Raised "ethnically Jewish" in New York, Detwiler married in her early 20s and told me she did not think much about Judaism until she and her husband moved to a small town in Indiana where their son was one of only four Jewish children in the whole school system. The family joined a temple an hour away, and Detwiler gradually became more involved--first joining the choir, then studying Hebrew, then teaching Hebrew school and celebrating an adult bat mitzvah. After going through the Reform movement's "para-rabbinic" program, Detwiler, who had been in market research, wanted to work for the Jewish community. "If you limit Jewish professionals to those who married within the faith, then you are discarding all those Jews who didn't know how important Judaism was until they were adults," she wrote on the listserv discussion, which was under the auspices of the Jewish Outreach Institute. Running a Hillel on a campus with 1,600 Jewish students, Detwiler says her marital status seems less relevant than her fundraising and management abilities. "It's not the first thing I tell people," she told me. "It's not a cause, not like wearing a rainbow flag if I was gay. But if it

12 Page 2 of 2 comes up in conversation I'm very open about it." Other intermarried Jewish professionals are more secretive, however, and some say their marriage has been an impediment. Linda Braun, of Tuscon, Ariz., reported that 17 years ago she was turned down for a teaching job at a Conservative synagogue's nursery school once the director learned her husband was not Jewish. "I was told I was ineligible for hire as I would make a bad role model for the children and their families," she wrote on the listserv. One woman who runs workshops in the Midwest for Jewish educators wrote that every time she presents about intermarriage, she is approached by teachers who "confide in me (sometimes with tears)" that they are in an interfaith relationship or marriage. Featured Partners/Funders/Links Login Login Name: Password: Not Signed Up? Find Out More. "It makes me sad and angry that people need to hide this information," she wrote. Detwiler--and many others who spoke up on the listserv--argues that at times being intermarried actually helps them do a better job. "It does make it easier I think to counsel students who are in or contemplating serious interfaith relationships," she told me. "I can speak from experience what the difficulties are they're going to be encountering." One of the reasons I closeted myself for so long was out of fear that people would accuse me of lacking objectivity when reporting on intermarriage. But after awhile, I wondered why I would be any more biased than a Jew married to a Jew--particularly since virtually every non- Orthodox American Jewish family is personally affected by intermarriage? And I began to think that it was important for intermarried Jews to be written about in the Jewish press, not just as demographic threats, but as real people. Braun, who went on to become education director for six years at a Reform temple, wrote that at times the fact that she was intermarried "felt like a blessing to the families that I worked with." "Our synagogue was comprised of at least 50 percent interfaith families, and they knew I understood where they were coming from," she explained. Special to The Jewish Week. Julie Wiener is a copy editor and freelance writer. Her column on interfaith life appears in The (New York) Jewish Week the third week of the month. You can reach her at julie.inthemix@gmail.com. InterfaithFamily.com P.O. Box 428, Newton, MA network@interfaithfamily.com Privacy Policy

13 Page 1 of 2 HOME RESOURCE PAGES CURRENT WEB MAGAZINE ISSUE ARTICLE ARCHIVE Life-Cycle Ceremonies Holidays Relationships Love and Marriage Raising Children in Interfaith Growing Up in an Interfaith Family Interdating Adoption Extended Family Relationships Telling Parents About Religious Decisions for Your Children Grandparenting Divorce and Step-Family Issues Travel Multi-racial and Multi-cultural Jewish-Muslim Relationships Gay Interfaith Relationships Spirituality Arts and Entertainment News and Opinion InterfaithFamily.com InterfaithFamily.com Magazine Past Issues By Year CONNECTIONS IN YOUR AREA BLOGS DISCUSSION BOARDS NEWS AND ADVOCACY ABOUT IFF PRESS ROOM STORE powered by FreeFind Find Home > Article Archive > Relationships > Extended Family Relationships For more information, visit our Marriage and Relationships Resource Page. The Accidental Intermarriage By Abby Spotts Introducing your parents to your boyfriend is never easy. You're anxious and nervous. You hope it goes well and that they both like each other. In addition to all those feelings, throw into the mix the fact that your boyfriend is Catholic and your parents are Conservative Jews. Definitely not easy. Growing up in a Conservative Jewish household, Judaism played a large role in my life. We kept a kosher home, had Shabbat dinners, celebrated the holidays and observed many other Jewish rituals. So, it should only be expected that in my adult and married life Judaism would continue to play that same role. That was the thought process of my parents and they felt that would only happen with a Jewish husband. I can still remember, during my teenage years, my father telling me that I would meet a nice Jewish boy to marry. Without really saying it, he was clearly stating there would be no other option. Then I met Paul. We had the same interests, he made me laugh and we clicked. Knowing he was Catholic stayed in the back of mind, not really causing a concern, as I thought we were just dating and having fun. But after a few months, we both knew that it was leading to something more. So, I told my parents about him over the phone and answered their questions honestly, the first of which was "Is he Jewish?" They were not thrilled, to say the least, but I think they figured it wasn't anything serious. They didn't make a big deal out of it. A few weeks later, I told them I wanted them to meet Paul, and they were agreeable. So we chose a date and had dinner at my parent's home. It went really well. Everyone got along and the conversation flowed easily. Nothing was mentioned regarding religion or the future of our relationship, and I was glad for that. However, over time, that changed. Paul and I continued to date and after some time, we realized we wanted to share our lives together. Once my parents realized this as well, they became more vocal and outspoken regarding our religious differences. They were concerned about what religion we would practice in our home and how would we raise our children. They also believed that it would be difficult to sustain our marriage with these differences. They felt Paul should convert. Paul and I felt differently on some levels and told them so. Paul didn't want to convert just so he could marry me; he felt that to convert he must believe deeply in the tenets and beliefs of Judaism. At the time, he did not. Even though he was not a practicing Catholic, he felt that to convert to please my parents and get their blessing was wrong. I agreed. We did, however, agree that we should decide early on the one religion we would practice at home and the religion in which we would raise our future children. After much thought and discussion, we decided Reform Judaism would be the best choice for us. My parents were accepting of this choice, but not without some reservations. Conservative Judaism was (and still is) a large part of their life and they had difficulty accepting another way of thinking. They did realize that they were not going to make us change our minds nor were we going to end our relationship over our differences in religion. They came to understand and were pleased that we would be maintaining a Jewish home and raising Jewish children. They began to help us plan for our future. On the flip side, Paul's parents really never had a strong issue with us being an interfaith couple or raising our children Jewish. At first it was difficult for them to understand our wish to raise our children in a different religion from theirs, but they decided their son's happiness was most important, and so they were okay with it. Paul and I have just celebrated our seventh wedding anniversary and have two beautiful children who are being raised as Reform Jews. Paul is very active in helping to create a Jewish home and has very openly accepted many of the beliefs of Judaism. We are comfortable with the choices and sacrifices we both made to make our relationship work. Maybe someday he will convert, but that will be by his choice and no one else's. Looking back on it now, I don't think I would have done it any differently. I think no matter how I went about introducing my parents to Paul, our religious differences would have been an issue for them and would have surfaced at some point. My parents have come to love and accept him for who he is and for the wonderful life we have built together. I am glad for the fact that we both stuck to our instincts and didn't allow anyone else to tell us how we should live our lives. Perhaps if we didn't things wouldn't have worked out the way they have.

14 Page 2 of 2 Abby Spotts lives in Camp Hill, Pa., with her husband and two sons. Featured Partners/Funders/Links Login Login Name: Password: Not Signed Up? Find Out More. InterfaithFamily.com P.O. Box 428, Newton, MA network@interfaithfamily.com Privacy Policy

15 Page 1 of 2 HOME RESOURCE PAGES CURRENT WEB MAGAZINE ISSUE ARTICLE ARCHIVE Life-Cycle Ceremonies Holidays Relationships Love and Marriage Raising Children in Interfaith Growing Up in an Interfaith Family Interdating Adoption Extended Family Relationships Telling Parents About Religious Decisions for Your Children Grandparenting Divorce and Step-Family Issues Travel Multi-racial and Multi-cultural Jewish-Muslim Relationships Gay Interfaith Relationships Spirituality Arts and Entertainment News and Opinion InterfaithFamily.com InterfaithFamily.com Magazine Past Issues By Year CONNECTIONS IN YOUR AREA BLOGS DISCUSSION BOARDS NEWS AND ADVOCACY ABOUT IFF PRESS ROOM STORE powered by FreeFind Find Home > Article Archive > Relationships > Extended Family Relationships For more information, visit our Marriage and Relationships Resource Page. Overcoming Our Religious Differences By Madhavi Kushner Religion has never really mattered to me. I was raised by my mother in an ashram community that celebrated every religious holiday and drew teachings from such widely varying sources as Confucius, the Bible and the Bhagavad Gita. From this inclusive upbringing, I went on to study science and have since eschewed religious belief in favor of a conviction in science and logic. Religion doesn't matter to most of my Jewish friends either. My good friend Faye describes herself as Jewish by tradition and agnostic by belief. Despite growing up in a traditional Jewish family, she has rarely dated Jewish men. As for me, when I found myself seriously involved with a Jewish man, I didn't give his religion a second thought. Like Faye, I always believed the person to be more important than the religion. Obviously, however, the two cannot be so easily separated. To begin with, all of us come with a family. When I told my mother, still a member of the ashram, about my Jewish fiancé, she had recently seen a TV documentary about a strictly Orthodox Jewish family. She grew apprehensive. Would I have to wear a wig? Would I have to manage two kitchens, one for milk and one for meat? Should she expect 17 grandchildren? My father, a committed atheist, fretted that my fiancé's larger family would subsume the opinions and beliefs we shared. My stepmother chimed in to articulate her concerns about child-rearing. Had Zack and I talked about this? How would I feel raising children in any religion, let alone one that I knew nothing about? When my family questioned my match with Zack it made me feel like they doubted my judgment. Their questioning implied that religion acts as a trump card in a relationship, which need not be true. I did my best to dismiss their concerns as a minor part of my total relationship with Zack; they did not back down. Then, when I met my future in-laws I realized that as much as Zack and I might like to trivialize religion's role in our relationship, the fact that it is important to his family means that it can't be insignificant to us. The first time I was introduced to my fiancé's family was at a Passover seder. I had flown in from Australia that morning and I was the only one present who didn't know the words to the prayers and couldn't bluff her way through liturgical Hebrew. I was very conscious of being "The Non-Jew at the Table." Though no one said anything discouraging and or gave me any strange looks, I still felt awkward and out-of-place. These were not my traditions, and as welcoming as my in-laws were, it was a struggle to feel comfortable amongst the kiddush cups and matzah. After the seder, I was forced to accept the fact that my family may have been onto something with their insistent questioning. What was I getting myself into? Was I comfortable with my husband's Judaism? Much to my chagrin, I had discovered that addressing my family's concerns about our differences in faith was helpful; all that nagging had been for a good cause. They asked questions not to undermine my relationship, but to support it. Compared to my friend Faye, I have it easy. When Faye's mother found out she had a boyfriend, her first question was, "What's his last name?" His name, a German one, might as well have been Goebbels for the reaction it caused. Based upon this single fact, Faye's mother refused to meet Karl until they moved in together, and then only did so grudgingly. Faye's aunt said that she would sit shiva (go into mourning) if Faye married this non-jew with a German name. Aunt and mother agreed that Faye would be doing Hitler's work for him should she, God forbid, decide to have children with a gentile. To say that Faye is angered by her family's reaction is an understatement. She feels deeply mistrusted, has distanced herself from her mother and worries that if she married Karl her

16 Page 2 of 2 family might not even attend the wedding. When Faye gets upset by her family's ranting, she and Karl talk through all the potential pitfalls of their interfaith relationship. In the end, they realize that they share the same ideals; it is her family that polarizes the situation. Unlike Faye's Jewish family, my in-laws have been able to put aside our religious differences in order to get to know me as a person. While they wish that I was interested in converting, they support my choices and appreciate that I take part in their traditions. My family's questioning, while occasionally overwhelming, has ultimately been helpful. Their queries allowed Zack and me to examine potential sticking points in our relationship before we became mired in them. By addressing their concerns, Zack and I have found consensus about what is important to us religiously speaking, as opposed to what is important to our families. Featured Partners/Funders/Links Login Login Name: The support we receive from both of our families eases the strain of being in an interfaith relationship but does not entirely remove it. Is there a battle with the in-laws lurking in the wings if we decide to have children? Like Faye and Karl, Zack and I are able to turn to each other when such issues arise. Ultimately, we are the ones in the relationship, not our parents. We are the ones who have to make the decisions. And with love and communication, we can overcome our religious differences and thrive. To read about her husband's experience with anti-intermarriage attitudes, see Opening Yourself to Danger. What do you think? Password: Not Signed Up? Find Out More. Madhavi Kushner is a biologist who has worked as a forensic ichthyologist, traveled around the world with her new husband and dissected too many fish to count. She hopes to get a Ph.D. in something fishy while living in Wellington, New Zealand. InterfaithFamily.com P.O. Box 428, Newton, MA network@interfaithfamily.com Privacy Policy

17 Outreach - InterfaithFamily.com Page 1 of 2 HOME RESOURCE PAGES CURRENT WEB MAGAZINE ISSUE ARTICLE ARCHIVE Life-Cycle Ceremonies Holidays Relationships Spirituality Arts and Entertainment News and Opinion The Outreach Debate Demographics Outreach Success Stories Rabbinic Officiation at Intermarriages Intermarriage and the Reform Movement Intermarriage and the Conservative Movement Newsmakers Israel and Interfaith Anti-Semitism and Interfaith The Holocaust and Interfaith September 11 Teaching About Other Religions The Threat of Messianic Judaism InterfaithFamily.com InterfaithFamily.com Magazine Past Issues By Year CONNECTIONS IN YOUR AREA Home > Article Archive > News and Opinion > The Outreach Debate Can Intermarriage Be a Form of Outreach? By Rabbi Kerry M. Olitzky Reprinted with permission of the author from the New Jersey Jewish News. May 3, 2007 The skyrocketing number of interfaith marriages means that there are more people of other religious backgrounds within the orbit of Jewish families and the influence of the Jewish community. At the very least, we know that there are hundreds of thousands of people who are not Jewish who have Jewish grandchildren. And that figure doesn't even speak to the exceptional diversity of religious backgrounds we begin to see when we look at members of the extended family. I recently met a woman whose sister-in-law was a nun (and a leader in her order), and whose brother-in-law was a well-known and respected congregational rabbi. While there are many in the Jewish community who continue to see such phenomena as threatening to Jewish survival, I see yet another opportunity to transform an "enemy" into a friend, something that Jewish history has taught us well how to do. Numerous Jewish community relations councils--throughout the country and in cities of all sizes--have worked tirelessly to nurture tolerance among various segments of the non-jewish population. Some of their efforts have been technically defensive but most of the time they have followed the notion that education through familiarity is the key to promoting tolerance. So they make sure that people in the community learn about the rhythms and idiosyncrasies of Jewish life, beginning with simple things such as the rituals surrounding Shabbat, kosher dietary laws, and the timing of the Jewish holidays. All of this is a sincere effort to make members of the Jewish community seem less like "others" or "outsiders" by actively sharing our rites and beliefs with people from other religious backgrounds. In an effort to find friends in the community to make their work easier, we are missing the proverbial answer that is right in front of us: all of the non-jewish relatives of those who have intermarried. These relatives can seamlessly be incorporated into Jewish celebrations and life-cycle events, and we know we can count on them to support us. In an era when anti- Semitic events seem to be increasing, we should be able to use all of the resources at our disposal. Why not seek out interfaith families and their extended family members when facing a community crisis or even when there is a need to communicate basic information, including the back story in the Palestinian-Israeli conflict? We realize that there are those who will continue to criticize the outreach performed by groups like the Jewish Outreach Institute, but there are more ways in which we share common ground than ways we disagree. We are all concerned about Jewish survival. Interfaith marriages facilitate cooperation between Jews and those with other religious backgrounds in effortless ways that do not require outreach events, programs, or services. As a result, they help the Jewish community gain more positive footing in society on the whole. However we choose to address interfaith marriage, it remains a reality on the ground. When we consider its potential impact through extended family, intermarriage can actually help protect the community rather than harm it. BLOGS DISCUSSION BOARDS NEWS AND ADVOCACY Rabbi Kerry M. Olitzky, executive director of the Jewish Outreach Institute, lives in North Brunswick, N.J. ABOUT IFF PRESS ROOM STORE

18 Films, Theater, TV and Music - InterfaithFamily.com Page 1 of 2 HOME RESOURCE PAGES CURRENT WEB MAGAZINE ISSUE ARTICLE ARCHIVE Life-Cycle Ceremonies Holidays Relationships Spirituality Arts and Entertainment Books Films, Theater, TV and Music Interviews and Profiles News and Opinion InterfaithFamily.com InterfaithFamily.com Magazine Past Issues By Year CONNECTIONS IN YOUR AREA BLOGS DISCUSSION BOARDS NEWS AND ADVOCACY ABOUT IFF PRESS ROOM STORE powered by FreeFind Find Featured Partners/Funders/Links Home > Article Archive > Arts and Entertainment > Films, Theater, TV and Music Baby on Board: A Review of Knocked Up By Alizah Salario Getting knocked up is no laughing matter. Except when it involves a successful, carefree, all- American beauty who finds herself with a bun in the oven after a one-night stand with a pudgy, poofy-haired, unemployed stoner. Director Judd Apatow transforms what could be deemed a mistake of Greek tragic proportions into the premise for a contemporary comedy about learning to play the hand you're dealt with joy and humor--even if you don't know the rules of the game. Apatow takes us from The 40-year-old Virgin(his last film) to the perils of pregnancy in Knocked Up, a hilarious and heartfelt film that is spot-on in its critique of Hollywood, a generation of stoners in a prolonged adolescence, suburban moms, and the rites of passage involved in coming full circle--and into one's own. Katherine Heigl and Seth Rogen play the accidental parents in Judd Apatow's Knocked Up. Photo courtesy Universal Studios Ben (Seth Rogen) is your quintessentially clueless-yet-affable, goofy Jewish guy. Alison (Katherine Heigl) has girl-next-door appeal that puts her on the fast track to entertainment reporting stardom. Together, the unlikely pairing resonates with surprising harmony. This odd couple, who come together after a serendipitous meeting at a cliché club, has the chemistry and comedic acumen to carry the film beyond the cheap laughs and contrived jokes of a boy-meets-girl-comedy-gonewrong. The well-written script, full of pithy one-liners and atypical plot pairings (i.e. psychedelics and Cirque du Soleil) rings true with viewers who flitter between the maturity of adulthood and Peter Pan syndrome. Along with Ben's motley crew of goofball stoners and sleazebag players whose antics provide comic relief during times of crisis, and Alison's type-a sister Debbie and her dysfunctional suburban family, the film explores the tensions between the free and unfettered single life and the stability and comfort of marriage and family. With irreverence and verve, the well-chosen cast brings to light the underlying issues of bringing up baby: the complexity of building a family, the negotiation between partnership and personal independence, parenting paranoia over mercury and child molesters, and finally, that fuzzy warm feeling some call love that is hard to find and even harder to accept. What makes this movie so successful is not only its potty humor and snappy one-liners, but a cast of characters that is endearing in their flawed, dysfunctional glory. Add in a cameo appearance by Ryan Seacrest, and you've got the makings of a marvelous romantic comedy. Only through stereotypical physical characteristics and tangential pop-culture references do viewers come to understand that Ben is Jewish and Alison is not. Their relationship is clearly in the fetal stages, and therefore the question of religion is never broached. If anything, it is the absence of this topic that makes the biggest statement--it is not a salient issue for the couple, in the way that, say, Alison's annoyance with Ben's pot-smoking or what OB-GYN they are going to choose is. Judaism is mentioned only peripherally, in much the same way MTV gets a cheap laugh off of shows like "Jewtastic"--Ben's Jew-fro, Jews kicking ass in the film Munich, and Ben's stereotypically wise, weed-smoking Jewish father. There is nothing to suggest that knocking up a non-jew was any more taboo than knocking up a nice Jewish girl. Not to fear, the film never crosses the line from genuine to gushy, nor does it ooze with the saccharine artificiality of many romantic comedies. While the blossoming relationship between Ben and Alison is at times unrealistically simplistic, and their reconciliation is glossed over by the fact that Ben eventually read books on parenting, these missteps are easily forgiven. Despite the fact that Ben puts his foot in his mouth throughout most of the movie, we find it hard not to like the guy (even if he proposes with an empty ring box). Both characters want to make the best of the situation, and it is refreshing to watch their transformation from image-conscious entertainment reporter and directionless slacker living off a windfall from an accident claim into full-fledged responsible adults. The film captures

19 Films, Theater, TV and Music - InterfaithFamily.com Page 2 of 2 Generation Y's reluctance to grow up and take responsibility, as well as the couple's eventual success in making a difficult situation work, despite the odds. Login Login Name: Alizah Salario is a freelance writer and teacher who currently lives in Chicago. Password: Not Signed Up? Find Out More. InterfaithFamily.com P.O. Box 428, Newton, MA network@interfaithfamily.com Privacy Policy

20 Films, Theater, TV and Music - InterfaithFamily.com Page 1 of 3 HOME RESOURCE PAGES CURRENT WEB MAGAZINE ISSUE ARTICLE ARCHIVE Life-Cycle Ceremonies Holidays Relationships Spirituality Arts and Entertainment Books Films, Theater, TV and Music Interviews and Profiles News and Opinion InterfaithFamily.com InterfaithFamily.com Magazine Past Issues By Year CONNECTIONS IN YOUR AREA BLOGS DISCUSSION BOARDS NEWS AND ADVOCACY ABOUT IFF PRESS ROOM STORE powered by FreeFind Find Featured Partners/Funders/Links Home > Article Archive > Arts and Entertainment > Films, Theater, TV and Music Interfaith Celebrities: Amy Winehouse's Non-Jewish Husband and Nicolas Sarkozy's Half-Jewish Wife By Nate Bloom June 5, 2007 Winehouse: Jewish Wedding, No, No, No Singer Amy Winehouse--who British tabloids have dubbed Amy "Wino"--recently married her on-again, off-again boyfriend Blake Fiedler-Civil. Contrary to some reports, it was not a traditional Jewish wedding. REUTERS/Luke MacGregor (BRITAIN) formal religious background. British Jewish pop singer/songwriter Amy Winehouse, 23, recently exploded on the international music scene. Her 2003 debut album, "Frank," a jazz-inflected work, was critically wellreceived and sold quite well. However, it was by no means an American blockbuster and Winehouse remained pretty obscure in the United States. In October 2006, Winehouse's second CD, the '60s girl-group-inspired "Back to Black," was released in Britain and sold big from the start. In April 2007, Winehouse was named Best British Female Artist award at the British equivalent of the Grammies and "Back to Black" was released in America to great sales and critical acclaim. Since April, Winehouse has performed on most of the major American talk/entertainment shows, like David Letterman, and she's done a limited schedule of American concerts. This past weekend, she was the main musical performer at the MTV Movie Awards (hosted by Jewish comedienne Sarah Silverman, who is dating non-jewish late night host Jimmy Kimmel). Winehouse was born in London to Jewish parents who are described as jazz musicians. However, her father made most of his living as a cab driver while her mother works as a pharmacist. My sense is that Amy is "culturally Jewish" in some ways, but has no Winehouse was a classic "bad girl" growing up. She was expelled from one school at 12 for not doing her work and, early on, was mostly into music and, to some extent, substance abuse. Winehouse admits to heavy alcohol and marijuana use, although she appears to have somewhat cleaned up her act of late. The hit track from her new CD is called "Rehab," with an infectious chorus that goes: "They tried to get me to go to rehab, I said, no, no, no." Visually, Winehouse is striking. She is not classically beautiful, but her very angular face is interesting and not easily forgotten. Most of her body is covered in tattoos and her short frame is topped by a massive bouffant. Last month Winehouse married her non-jewish boyfriend Blake Fiedler-Civil after the pair reconciled after a year apart. According to the British tabloid The Sunday Mirror, the couple is planning a more formal traditional Jewish wedding this summer, and Fiedler-Civil plans to convert. Given Winehouse's personal history and what I know about the British gossip press, I'm highly skeptical of the claim. Here are some excerpts: Winehouse will ditch her wild image to marry her fiancé in a traditional Jewish wedding this summer...[fiancé] Blake Fiedler-Civil has even agreed to convert to her religion...scruffy ex-barman Blake, 24, has told pals he will do anything to make his future wife happy, is expected to don a skullcap and morning

21 Films, Theater, TV and Music - InterfaithFamily.com Page 2 of 3 Login Login Name: Password: Not Signed Up? Find Out More. suit...a friend of the couple said, "Amy asked Blake to convert to Judaism. It isn't religious so it's not skin off his nose.. For Blake and Amy, family is very important. They are very close to their parents so they want them to be there...a rabbi will preside...blake will break a glass on the floor to mark the start of the marriage before the couple host a lavish party." Give me a break. The British gossip press is constantly "converting" non-jews who date a Jewish celebrity. An interfaith couple go out for a little while and then an article appears in a Brit gossip rag that "so and so" is "fascinated by" a celebrity's "Jewish faith" and the non- Jewish partner is converting to Judaism. The article then makes its way onto various gossip web sites and then nothing else is ever heard about the conversion. You don't find this type of article in the American gossip press, and I have a theory why the Brits love to make them up. In America, Christianity and Judaism are serious topics. Americans have the highest church or synagogue attendance rates in the Western world and, as everybody knows, religion is a serious force in American politics. By and large, a celebrity's religion is treated with respect by all sectors of the American media and nobody thinks it's fun to make-up stories about such and such celebrity or their partner converting to another faith. However, Britain, like most of Western Europe, is almost a post-religious society with one big exception (Islam). Weekly church attendance rates are around 5 percent. In an atmosphere such as this, Judaism and Jewish religious customs are regarded as exotic and quaint. So, the Brit gossip press rationale is, "Why not add a little spice to the article but making up a conversion to Judaism story?" Well, the Mirror article could not have been more wrong in every detail and you have to know, now, that the Mirror made it up out of whole cloth. Winehouse and Fiedler-Civil (who is described as a 'go-fer' for rock bands) were married in a civil ceremony before a justice of the peace in Miami on May 18. Only a few friends were in attendance. On May 26, Winehouse told the Daily Mail, another Brit tabloid, that she planned to have a second wedding in Britain for her family and friends (her parents found out about her Miami wedding from a newspaper article). She said, "People have been talking about me having a Jewish wedding, but I'm not interested in that, that's bullshit. We are just going to have a nice family party to celebrate in December." More Jewish Connections in the New French Government The interfaith background of Nicholas Sarozky, the new French president, was covered in an article in the last issue of InterfaithFamily.com's Web Magazine. As the article says, Sarkozy's maternal grandfather was a Greek Jew. According to blogger Aimee Kligman, who really appears to know her stuff, Sarkozy's wife, Cecilia, is the daughter of a Russian Jewish father and a Spanish Catholic mother. Like her husband, she was raised in the Catholic faith. Sarzoky, the leader of a conservative political party, surprised most political pundits when he named long-time Socialist party politician Bernard Kouchner as his foreign minister. Kouchner, the son of a Jewish father and a Protestant mother, has often talked about his Jewish heritage in past interviews, although he was raised in no faith and is not religious. A physician, Kouchner is most famous worldwide as the founder of the humanitarian organization, "Doctors without Borders." Kouchner has an uncanny ability to maintain It is well-documented by now that the new friendships across all sorts of ideological, religious French president, Nicolas Sarkozy, is the and ethnic divides and one could speculate that his grandson of a Greek Jew. But did you know interfaith background has something to do with this. that his wife, Cecilia, is the daughter of a Russian Jewish father and a Spanish He may be unique---somebody who can be friends Catholic mother? REUTERS/Gonzalo with conservative Israeli politicians while still being Fuentes (FRANCE) trusted by Palestinian radicals (Kouchner's humanitarian help to Palestinians goes back decades). Oh, Those Hebrews Love Christmas! You have to laugh at those right-wing windbags (to use a polite term) on the Fox network and elsewhere who go on about a "war on Christmas" every December. They haul out a few

22 Films, Theater, TV and Music - InterfaithFamily.com Page 3 of 3 isolated incidents to make their case and declare that Christmas is "endangered": "incidents" like a department store asking its clerks to say, "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas," or some Jewish family objecting to a Nativity scene on public property. It's shameless pandering that fires up Christian conservatives and gets them to tune in to Fox and to send money to the organizations that play-up this "issue." In the real world, Christmas is HUGE and it was just announced that the holiday will get yet another boost in the arm this coming December when, for the first time, the famous Radio City Music Hall Christmas show is televised. Who had the idea to do this? Not the "brain trust" on Fox News. No, it was Don Hewitt, who is most famous as the CBS news producer who created "Sixty Minutes" and oversaw the show for decades. Like Irving Berlin, who wrote "White Christmas," Hewitt is Jewish. Hewitt, 85, grew up in the New York City suburbs and his parents took him, as a child, to the Radio City Christmas show. Hewitt is almost a legendary figure and his sterling reputation was a key factor that led the Radio City management to consent to a TV broadcast of their Christmas show. Hewitt says, "This 75th celebration will warm viewers' hearts with the magical holiday spirit that has created wonderful memories for more than 62 million people since its inception in 1933; I am thrilled to be involved." The show will be televised on NBC and will be hosted by "Today" show co-hosts Matt Lauer and Meredith Viera. Lauer is Jewish on his father's side (he was raised in no faith) and Viera's husband is Jewish. Nate Bloom writes a column on Jewish celebrities, broadly defined, that appears in five Jewish newspapers. If you have any comments or wish to republish parts of this article, please contact Bloom via editor@interfaithfamily.com. InterfaithFamily.com P.O. Box 428, Newton, MA network@interfaithfamily.com Privacy Policy

23 Interviews and Profiles - InterfaithFamily.com Page 1 of 3 HOME RESOURCE PAGES CURRENT WEB MAGAZINE ISSUE ARTICLE ARCHIVE Life-Cycle Ceremonies Holidays Relationships Spirituality Arts and Entertainment Books Films, Theater, TV and Music Interviews and Profiles News and Opinion InterfaithFamily.com InterfaithFamily.com Magazine Past Issues By Year CONNECTIONS IN YOUR AREA BLOGS DISCUSSION BOARDS NEWS AND ADVOCACY ABOUT IFF PRESS ROOM STORE powered by FreeFind Find Featured Partners/Funders/Links Home > Article Archive > Arts and Entertainment > Interviews and Profiles Drawn Together: R. Crumb's Beloved Aline Kominsky By Ilana Arazie Reprinted with permission of Heeb. Underground comix artist Aline Kominsky-Crumb and R. Crumb have lived and worked together for the past 35 years, collaborating on strips for Weirdo, The New Yorker and their own Dirty Laundry Comics, among others. But Aline, a prolific and widely published artist in her own right, has often taken a back seat to Robert's larger-than-life persona (many don't even realize that much of Robert's works are, in fact, collaborations). Now, at 58 years old, Aline is stepping into the spotlight and publishing her first solo book, Need More Love (MQ Publications, 2007), an autobiography chronicling her life--from an emotionally-anemic upbringing on Long Island with an abusive father and psychotic mother, to her countercultural 20s in a Greenwich Village feminist art collective, to her life today with Robert in the south of France. Ilana Arazie sat down with the artist (who just happens to be her cousin onceremoved) to talk about Need More Love and Aline's need for more love. You thought Robert was Jewish when you first met him. Aline Kominsky-Crumb and her husband, Ralph Crumb, have collaborated on adult comics for years, although many people are unaware of Aline's contributions. Photo courtesy Aline Kominsky-Crumb think they came over on the Mayflower or something. So being Jewish is different than being white? I had read Robert's work before I met him and I thought he was Jewish because he's just so whiny. He's such a kvetch. I grew up going to the Borscht Belt hotels in the Catskills and hearing famous Jewish comedians like Joey Bishop and Alan King and Jackie Mason--I was really familiar with that anecdotal, self-deprecating humor. So when I saw Robert's comics, I thought, here is Jewish humor at its best. I assumed that Crumb was a name he made up for comics and his real name was Crumberg or something. When my grandparents met him, he wore a white shirt, a sports coat and a hat so they thought he was a rabbinical student. When we finally told them the truth, they were really disappointed. My grandmother tried to get him to convert for years. Robert seems to be somewhat of a Jewophile because I'm his second Jewish wife. He actually comes from a big, Minnesota farm family and they're as white as can be. I I can't help it, you know? My best male friends are Jewish, but as far as attraction--forget it. Terry Zwigoff and I were really good friends. One time I was wearing a pair of leather pants and asked, 'Terry, how do I look in these pants?' He said, 'You look like a couch.' That's typical of how I felt growing up in high school when Jewish boys were real snotty. They were these short, skinny boys who wanted little blond girls. Those boys all grown up still make me feel like a Jewish monster. Whereas when I'm with a goy, I feel exotic and sexy and voluptuous. The most popular girl in my high school was Peggy Lipton, the actress who was on "The Mod Squad" and "Twin Peaks." She was Jewish, but she was tall with straight blond hair, and a thin, pug nose. I adored her. She had a brother who was my age. He was dumpy and curly-haired like the rest of us, and I would help him with his homework so I could go over to his house and see Peggy. The way you draw yourself and other women sometimes borders on the grotesque. I used to keep notebooks of drawings of people on the street--these disastrous looks, strange body shapes and disgusting makeup. I started doing that in the '50s and early '60s when

24 Interviews and Profiles - InterfaithFamily.com Page 2 of 3 Login Login Name: Password: Not Signed Up? Find Out More. people wore bubble hairdos and white lipstick and go-go boots. Then when the '60s came in, everything became natural, I stopped setting my hair on orange juice cans and putting Dippitydoo on my bangs and gluing them to my forehead with Scotch tape. I saw Joan Baez and Judy Collins and I realized there was a way for me to be myself. It was an incredible salvation for me. The natural Jewish thing became sort of okay and guys started finding me attractive, too. I notice you are wearing a pendant of the Virgin Mary right now. I am basically a pagan. I'm wearing the Virgin because to me, she is a benign, protecting image--the female goddess Mother Nature. In my house I have a shrine that has something from every single religion. But all that voodoo stuff--the evil eye, the mezuzah, the dripping Virgins--is so absurd. The Virgin pulling her chest open looks just like someone spreading her vagina apart--very obscene and vulnerable. When I was in Chicago for Robert's book tour a couple years ago, someone gave me these salt-and-pepper shakers that are called the 'vagina Virgins.' They look like Virgins from a distance but they're actually vaginas. In terms of organized religion, I'm basically completely against any narrow type of worship that encourages intolerance and imagines the world as a battle of 'them against us.' That includes Orthodox Judaism in its extreme form, Arab fundamentalists, born-again Christians--all of those people I fear very much. You and Robert moved to France in the late '80s. What prompted your decision to leave your home country? There were many factors. Our daughter was in the public school system in rural California, which might as well be Kansas, to tell you the truth. Once you get into Central Valley in California, it has nothing to do with San Francisco. One day I had coffee with this teacher friend of mine. When she got back to school afterwards, the principal asked her, 'What were you doing having coffee with the wife of a child pornographer?' That was how Robert was referred to there. It was the Christian influence--there were 13 churches in our town by the time we left, and there had only been three when we first arrived. I decided we had to get out. Robert had an agent in Paris and his work is worth a lot in Europe. So I went to go visit friends who were living in a small town in the South of France to see what it was like, and I fell in love with the place. We went back for vacation and then we ended up buying this old house and fixing it up. Now, 15 years later, we're still there. You and Robert have done a number of comic strips for The New Yorker, mostly about your life in France. Aline Kominsky-Crumb's first solo work, Need More Love, is an autobiography of her life growing up as a Jewish girl in a dysfunctional household in Long Island. Art reprinted with permission of author. Robert and I have been working in what we call 'the dirty laundry style' for 30 years and it's really fun working together. He draws and writes his own stuff and I draw and write my own stuff, so it becomes a George Burns/Gracie Allen kind of comedy bit. As far as I know, we're the only couple that's done that in the history of comics. But a lot of people think Robert draws all of our New Yorker strips. I've had people come up to me and say, 'Why does your husband draw you so ugly in The New Yorker?' I say, 'No, actually that was me drawing myself.' Some people can't even tell the difference. I can now claim that yes, I worked for The New Yorker and that impresses people. But, how much more acceptance can I get when a lot of people don't even realize I draw any of it? That's the price that I pay for being married to somebody working in the same field who's much more famous than I am. It's a very strange mixed bag. My experience in this respect was part of my motivation for writing my book, Need More Love. I decided that at my age, I'm ready to put my voice out there completely independently. I started writing this very long, detailed graphic memoir that tells it all from my point of view. Tell me how you and Robert fell in love. Robert had drawn a character called Honeybunch Kominsky and she had long wavy hair and big legs. My last name was Kominsky so a lot of people said to me, 'My God, this guy gave this character your name and she looks just like you!' When I moved to San Francisco in 1971, a friend took me to a party at Robert's then-girlfriend's house--he was married and he also had a girlfriend. We met and I have to say, I thought he was really cute. The first thing he said to me was, 'You have cute knees.' I always thought I had the ugliest knees so the fact that he said that completely blew my mind. Even though it was the early '70s and things were very loose, I thought, 'no way' because of his other relationships. But we did have a clandestine affair. After a while I finally said, 'Look, if you want to get involved, get rid of the other relationships. I'm not gonna take somebody's boyfriend or husband away.' It was a mess in the beginning, but he did finally end them.