"Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. (The Bible, Exodus 20:12, NIV)

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1 Message: What Parents Need From Their Kids What comedian has become somewhat famous for his top ten lists? Late night talk show host, David Letterman. They are very popular. You may watch Letterman just to hear his top ten list. It s a great idea, but I have to tell you that David Letterman was not the first to create such lists. In fact, the ultimate Top Ten list was created by God several thousand years ago, though he didn t intend for his list to be a joke. They were instructions for life; We know them as the Ten Commandments. God decided to give his top ten key instructions for people to live by, to guide their decisions, to create a foundation for healthy communities. I don t know if you know any or all of the Ten Commandments, but it is an interesting list, and it raises this question for me. If you were God (admittedly a sobering thought), and you were going to create a list of ten vitally important things people needed to do, what would you put on the list? That would take a lot of deliberation, don t you think? What are ten of the most vital instructions you could give people? So, let me give you an overview of God s Top Ten. The first four commandments teach us how we need to respond to God. The remaining six focus on how we should respond to each other. In God s wisdom, He taught us first how to respond to Him, because our relationship to God dramatically shapes our relationships with, and responses to, each other. So, God first instructs us how to respond to Him. He first reminds us to worship and follow Him only. We should worship the "right" God, the "I Am" God. He then instructs us to worship Him the "right" way. He is a Spirit; He is loving and responsive and powerful and so much more. He must be worshiped as He is. Don't "make up" your own God. Third command: Take God seriously. Honor Him; Every time you use His name, remember to take Him seriously. To this, God adds that we must build time into our lives for rest and renewal and enjoyment of Him. We need, at minimum, a day of Sabbath rest where we "cease" working and take some time to listen to God, to recharge our body and soul, to regain perspective on the things that matter most. At this point, then, God moves to how we should treat each other. Think about that once more. He decides to give six core instructions on how we should treat each other, and what do you think is His first one? Once again, I ask you: What would your first one be? Well, here is God s first. "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you. (The Bible, Exodus 20:12, NIV) Moses, at another time, gives the commands and expresses it this way: "Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the LORD

2 your God is giving you. (The Bible, Deuteronomy 5:16, NIV) When God begins to give instructions on how we should treat each other, the very first thing He mentions is this: Honor your mom and dad. Not only that, it is the only instruction of the ten that includes its own bonus clause. Understand that heeding God s instructions is always beneficial, but God makes a point to identify a specific benefit of honoring your parents: It will go well with you in the land God is giving you, the land God is leading you to. More on this benefit clause later. So, what does "honoring" our parents look like in real life? How do we honor our moms and dads? I believe that it includes several things, but the Bible is specifically highlights two things. In the Bible, there are two times when an instruction is specifically connected with honoring your parents. The first you may guess right away; the second is bit more challenging. Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother" which is the first commandment with a promise 3"that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Ephesians 6:1-3 When parents teach their kids an instruction from the Bible, this is often the very first one they teach. Katie, repeat after me: Children, obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. " My parents were teaching me this one while they were spoon-feeding me the Gerber. I will never ever forget this Bible verse. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right!" We always said that part real loud, for some reason. That was the fun part of the verse. For most young parents, this is their favorite commandment of God's "Top Ten." Ask any young parent to name one of the ten commandments. Instinctively, they will say "Honor your father and mother." Parents pull out this trump card all the time. "See, kids, God wants you to obey our mommy and daddy." Now, moms and dads, you need to teach your kids more of what God says than just that verse, but this command is important. So, kids, how are you doing with that? I once read that there are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it. The truth is for most of us, when we re told we have to do something, we often have a strong urge NOT to do that. The very first people we encounter in life who tell us what to do are our parents which means that they are the first people in life that we disobey. It can be hard to obey Mom or Dad. Quite honestly, growing up, there were a lot of times when I didn t. And when I didn t obey, my parents would often ask why I didn t. I learned I needed to have a reason. So, I thought I d share the top ten reasons I gave my parents for not obeying, and let you know how they went.

3 Top Ten Reasons Roger gave for not obeying his Mom or Dad 10) I wanted to finish my homework first. (This was clever, but only worked if it was actually true, and it never really was.) 9) If I obeyed every time, you'd start getting suspicious. (good, huh?) 8) I was going to do it later (next year, sometime) 7) I forgot. (This was actually true at times, but Mom and Dad didn t consider it to be a good reason!) 6) The Sandberg kids don t have to do that. (To which my parents would always say: We aren t the Sandbergs.) 5) My friend, Tom, told me I don't have to obey you. (I may have gotten my friend, Tom, in trouble on this one.) 4) "I'm not your servant." (I used this only once. I do not recommend this. Do not try this at home!) 3) "Oh, that's what you wanted me to do!" ( You wanted me to clean my room; Oh, I missed that. Just a little misunderstanding, that's all. ) 2) I didn't hear you. Today, you might say I didn t get the text. Be careful with this, however. If you say this, your parents may actually start texting you. Do you really want that to happen? Think about it.) 1) I didn't feel like it. (This was my most honest answer, but I rarely gave it. It just seemed a bit dangerous.) Obeying Mom and Dad can be really hard, but God says that it is one of the most important things you can do. You should obey them. Your parents have authority to instruct you and to establish boundaries for you. They have the authority to correct and punish you. No, you are not their servants and--contrary to what you may believe--they did not bring you into the world so that you could work and make their lives easier. However, you are responsible to obey what they tell you to do. To make this practical, God is saying that when your parents tell you to apologize to your sister and take the frog back outside, you should in fact say something understandable and kind to your sister, and you should then return the frog to its natural habitat. By the way, this command really is an expression of God's love. I know this sounds crazy, but this command is intended to be a good thing. I know that most of you think your parents are pretty old people. Well, they are old, but it means that they have had time to learn a lot of things. Let me put it this way: obedience

4 is a great opportunity for you to learn from your parent's mistakes. I know your parents don't seem too bright at times, but this is just a stage your brain is going through. I'm told that Mark Twain said: "When I was 14 years old, my father was so ignorant I hated to have the old man around. But when I was 21 years old, I was astonished to see how much my father had learned in only 7 years." When parents give instruction, it is almost always intended to be for your good. Now, your mom and dad aren't perfect, so some of their instructions might be imbalanced at times, or over-protective or misguided. It is not often, however, that a parent will ask you to do something that is outright wrong. But how should you respond if asked to do something wrong? If a parent asks a child to do something that is clearly criminal or sinful, and that child is old enough to discern that, he/she is not required to obey in that situation. God s higher authority is in play. The government s authority may also be in play. Make sure you understand what I m saying. I m not saying that if you disagree with the judgment of your parents, you don t have to obey them. Parents can make mistakes and exercise poor judgment; I know that I have. Children are still called by God to obey their parents even though they make mistakes. In God s Top Ten, he could have said Obey your mom and dad. Instead, He chose the broader words: Honor your father and mother. Honor goes beyond simply doing what your parents tell you to do. There are ways of speaking to or speaking about your parents that aren t honorable. Honoring your parents will be especially tested when they make a poor decision or when you disagree with them. Guard your words in those moments. I don t think you honor your parents when you call them names--to their faces or when they aren t around. As a kid, when I was frustrated with my Mom, sometimes I would just clam up. It killed her, and I knew that. I wasn t honoring her. Sometimes, it is just good to ask the question. Is what I m doing right now honoring my mom or my dad? I do not want to give the idea, however, that honoring parents is like Trix cereal, that it is "just for kids." This command to honor parents is for "grown up" kids as well. Honoring your parents doesn t stop when you re eighteen or out of the house. So what does honoring your parents look like when you get older? For children, honoring parents means--in part--obeying them. Now, when a son or daughter leaves home, the dynamic changes. The call to honor parents does not change, but the authority that a parent has over his/her child changes. God says that a man or woman will leave his/her home to create a new home. By implication, they now have the responsibility to lead that new household. Respecting Mom and Dad will certainly mean listening to their counsel, but the lines of authority have changed; You are now responsible before God to make decisions that honor Him.

5 Sometimes, a well-meaning parent will advise you to do something that goes against God's guidelines or goes against a decision that you and your spouse have made together. * You should dump your husband for someone who will treat you better. * You should go back to the church you grew up in. * Don't punish little Tommy; He was just being cute. When you are an adult, honoring your parents doesn t mean you are required to obey them. So, what does it involve? Actually, Jesus specifically talked about honoring your parents. Consider what he said: "Jesus replied, "And why do you break the command of God for the sake of your tradition? For God said, 'Honor your father and mother' and 'Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.' But you say that if a man says to his father or mother, 'Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is a gift devoted to God,' he is not to 'honor his father' with it. Thus you nullify the word of God for the sake of your tradition." (The Bible, Matthew 15:3-6 NIV) What was going on here? You had people who had money in "savings." They knew that their aging parents had a need, but they wouldn't touch their savings. Maybe it is because they thought "honoring your parents" was just for kids--i don't know. Worse yet, they would spiritualize the whole thing by saying something like "We are going to give this money to the church one day." But Jesus says, "You're breaking one of my "top ten." Honoring your parents means making sure they are cared for as they grow older. Consider the wisdom and justice and love is connected to this command. Parents invested countless hours and dollars to take care of us. For years, they did things that we could not do for ourselves. They chose to do that, and we should choose to return that grace as our elderly parents become more and more dependent upon us. Jesus did more than just teach this; He lived it. As Jesus was being executed on a cross, the Bible mentions seven different things He said while He was dying on the cross. It is very possible that the words recorded were the only words he spoke while on the cross, as it was especially difficult to get your breath to speak during that form of torture and punishment. One of the seven things he said was to and for his mother. "Near the cross of Jesus stood his mother, his mother's sister, Mary the wife of Clopas, and Mary Magdalene. When Jesus saw his mother there, and the disciple whom he loved standing nearby, he said to his mother, "Dear woman, here is your son," and to the disciple, "Here is your mother." From that time on, this disciple took her into his home. (The Bible, John 19:25-27 NIV) Jesus made sure that his mother was cared for after his death; He made sure she had a home. One way of honoring parents is to make sure their needs are being met. For some, this may mean taking an elderly parent into your home. After my dad s dad died, my mom and dad took my grandmother into their home. I know

6 that parts of that were very challenging. Now, taking a parent into your home isn t the best option every time. My wife s aging mother, born and raised in the south, would find it nearly impossible to survive our New England winters, for instance. But Jesus indicates that we do need to see that our parents are cared for. Sometimes, our parents need direct material help, but our parents need so much more than financial or material help. In fact, in our day, a lot of our parents have retirement investments that leave them in pretty good financial shape. Whatever else our parents need, they need love and time. Honoring goes so much further than paying some bills. More than almost anything, I think, our parents want our time. Pastor Bill Hybels spoke to my heart when I heard him say: "The older our parents get, the less love and respect and esteem they receive from the world they live in. Our parents friends start to die, the marketplace no longer attaches value on their services, their options begin to get restricted. For many of our parents, the brightest spot, the flame that burns closest to their hearts are their children. For many of them, that's the most important part of their ongoing life. but we're all--my generation--in the busy years." Our parents need our time. They need us to listen. I remember listening to the stories my grandmother would tell. Often, she would tell the same stories time and time again, but recounting those memories brought her such great joy. Most of our parents want to talk to us. My parents love it when I call, but honestly I don t call a whole lot. I realize I ve got to change that. Another part of honoring is celebration. I remember many years ago attending a Promise Keeper s event in a large stadium. Tens of thousands of guys gathered from all over the country to worship God and learn more how to love their families and honor God. At one point, a speaker asked all of the pastors in the stadium to stand. He talked about how challenging it can be to pastor a church at times, and he wanted the men in the stadium to express their appreciation. And they did. They applauded and it seemed they would not stop. I looked at guys standing around me, tears filling their eyes. I was deeply touched myself, and by what? The simplest act of applause or gratitude. Our parents need to hear our words of thanks. Remind them of things they did and said that encouraged you or shaped you. They ll most remember their mistakes; Remind them of their good decisions. Thank them for the hours and the dollars they have invested in your life. Take time to say well done. I know that a question has formed in some of your hearts as I have talked this morning: Roger, how do you honor a parent who has abused you, or nearly destroyed your life? Are you even supposed to honor them? This is a very difficult question, but it is one a number of people face. I don t want to answer too quickly, but I do think it s possible to honor someone who has not been honorable. I do believe God is honored when you extend forgiveness, whether the parent ever acknowledges his/her wrongs. You can honor by extending love that is not deserved. To be honest, I can t tell you exactly what that looks like. I would

7 simply ask God what honoring that parent looks like. I believe He will speak into your heart over time. Remember that this is the only one of the Ten Commandments that has a benefit clause attached to it, a promise. Honor your father and mother the Bible says so that you may live long and that it may go well with you What is that about? For starters, I don t believe it is intended to be a "push-button" guarantee. If you always obey your parents, you'll live to be 100, and you ll get everything you want, guaranteed. That would be cool, though I can t imagine it would even be possible for me to honor my parents every single time and never mess up. I believe that God is saying something different here. When a community or a civilization honors parents, good things happen for that community, that civilization. Honoring parents brings life and longevity to a country or people. The effect of this command is to build a community/civilization marked by kindness, compassion, and order. I cannot emphasize strongly enough how vital this command is to the fabric of civilized life. 1) It underscores and reinforces the importance of submitting to authority. The incubator for respecting authority is the home. The very first time you ever encountered authority in your life was in your home. How a person responds to every other authority in life is shaped powerfully in his/her home. Parents, don t hesitate to teach your kids to honor you as a parent. I know that it feels self-serving, but you are teaching them the valuing of honoring authority period. Honoring God-given authority is healthy for a community or people. 2) It highlights the vital role of family. Pete reminded us last week of survey results that continue to affirm that the most influential people in a teen s life are his/her parents. Parents model the values and give the instructions and express the love that will most mark their kids lives. The good that is taught and modeled in a home is vital to a healthy community. 3) It sets the pattern of caring for the weak and the dependent. A culture that sacrificially cares for and protects it s most vulnerable members will be blessed for doing so. A culture that exploits the weak and dependent is limiting its own lifespan. Here is what God seems to be saying: Honoring your parents is critical to the good and blessed life that God wants for us, that we ourselves most deeply long for. Honoring parents is not simply good for them; It is good for all of us. So, take God s instruction seriously. How you respond to your parents carries so much more weight than you can imagine. So, let s do what God says and honor them. Hope Church