All Rights Reserved 2016

Transcription

1 All Rights Reserved 2016 YOU KNOW YOU'RE DRINKING TOO MUCH COFFEE WHEN... You answer the door before people knock Juan Valdez names his donkey after you You can ski uphill You grind your coffee beans in your mouth You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse You lick your coffeepot clean You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there Your eyes stay open when you sneeze You can jump-start your car without cables You've worn out the handle on your favorite mug You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers Starbucks owns the mortgage on your house Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug PUBLISHED AND DISTRIBUTED WEEKLY BY PASSTIMES OF ARIZONA, LLC - PASSTIMESAZ@LIVE.COM

2 A THIEF BROKE INTO MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT... HE STARTED SEARCHING FOR MONEY. WHEN I WOKE UP, I SEARCHED WITH HIM IF YOU WIN GOD S RACE, IT DOESN T MATTER WHAT ELSE YOU LOSE

3 4 FOLDER SECRETS EVERY WINDOWS USER NEEDS TO KNOW Tips n Tricks from. Bits n Bytes Computers To avoid getting buried in an avalanche of folders, check out these handy tips to use Windows folders more effectively. 1. Use folder shortcuts: If you find yourself opening the same folders all the time, create desktop shortcuts for them. Simply hover your cursor over the folder you want to easily access, right-click and choose Create Shortcut. Drag the new shortcut to your desktop and you're done. 2. Speed up your Downloads folder: First, create a lot of sub-folders. Change your default setting from "Pictures" to "General Items." Open your Downloads folder. Rightclick on a blank spot and choose Properties. Then go to the "Customize" tab. Click on the down arrow below "Optimize this folder for," and select General Items. Then click "Apply" and choose "OK." 3. Hidden advanced options: Try this: From a folder in File Explorer, right-click on the folder and at the same time hold down the shift key. You'll see extra shortcuts, like Pin to Quick access, and possibly others, like Move to Dropbox or Open as Notebook in OneNote. 4. Build your own libraries: To edit an existing library, open any folder window. In the left column under "Libraries," right-click on a library and select Properties. You'll see what folders are included in the library. You can click "Include a folder" to add more folders or remove existing folders. WHEN MY DENTIST TOLD ME I NEED A CROWN. I WAS LIKE: I KNOW! SHOULDN T THERE BE A MOUSE-FLAVORED CAT FOOD?

4 ANYONE WHO IS CAPABLE OF GETTING THEMSELVES MADE PRESIDENT SHOULD ON NO ACCOUNT BE ALLOWED TO BE ELECTED IT MUST BE THURSDAY...I NEVER GOT THE HANG OF THURSDAYS * On May 4, 1776, Rhode Island, the colony founded by the most-radical religious dissenters from the Puritans of Massachusetts Bay Colony, becomes the first North American colony to renounce its allegiance to King George III. Ironically, Rhode Island would be the last state to ratify the new American Constitution. * On May 8, 1792, Congress passes the second portion of the Militia Act, requiring that every free able-bodied white male citizen between the ages of 18 and 45 be enrolled in the militia. * On May 7, 1915, the British ocean liner Lusitania is torpedoed without warning by a German submarine off Ireland, sinking within 20 minutes. More than 1,100 people perished, including more than 120 Americans, hastening the U.S. entry into World War I.

5 HE WAS A DREAMER, A THINKER, A SPECULATIVE PHILOSOPHER... OR, AS HIS WIFE WOULD HAVE IT, AN IDIOT * On May 2, 1939, New York Yankees first baseman Lou Gehrig benches himself for poor play and ends his record streak of consecutive games played at 2,130. Gehrig was the first major-league player to have his uniform number retired. * On May 5, 1961, from Cape Canaveral, Florida, Navy Commander Alan Shepard Jr. is launched into space aboard the Freedom 7 space capsule, becoming the first American astronaut to travel into space. The suborbital flight lasted 15 minutes and reached a height of 116 miles. * On May 6, 1970, hundreds of colleges and universities across the nation shut down as thousands of students join a nationwide campus protest. The protests were a reaction to the shooting of four students at Kent State University by National Guardsmen during an anti-vietnam War demonstration. * On May 3, 1986, 54-year-old Willie Shoemaker, aboard Ferdinand, becomes the oldest jockey ever to win the Kentucky Derby. Even as a full-grown man, "Shoe" was just 4 feet 11 inches tall and 98 pounds. (c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc.

6 THE FLOOD OF MONEY IN POLITICS TODAY POLLUTES DEMOCRACY I THINK I'LL JUST PUT AN "OUT OF ORDER" STICKER ON MY FOREHEAD AND CALL IT A DAY CITIZENS DON T SOLVE ISSUES; THEY ELECT PEOPLE TO SOLVE THEM

7 "WE COULD CERTAINLY SLOW THE AGING PROCESS DOWN IF IT HAD TO WORK ITS WAY THROUGH CONGRESS." -WILL ROGERS SACRIFICE BRINGS FORTH BLESSINGS

8 FAITH IS NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS, BUT KNOWING WHO HOLDS THE FUTURE I HATE RUSSIAN NESTING DOLLS! THEY RE SO FULL OF THEMSELVES BIRDS FOR SALE - CHEEP! LISTEN AND SILENT ARE SPELLED WITH THE SAME LETTERS

9 I AM FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE: MARVELOUS ARE THY WORKS (PSALM 139:14) GOD IS SPIRIT, AND THOSE WHO WORSHIP HIM MUST WORSHIP IN SPIRIT AND TRUTH DOES PRAYER REALLY CHANGE THINGS? They say that prayer changes things, but does it REALLY change anything? Oh yes! It really does! Does prayer change your present situation or sudden circumstances? No, not always, but it does change the way you look at those events. Does prayer change your financial future? No, not always, but it does change Who you look to for meeting your daily needs. Does prayer change shattered hearts or broken bodies? No, not always, but it will change your source of strength and comfort. Does prayer change your wants and desires? No, not always, but it will change your wants into what God desires! Does prayer change how you view the world? No, not always, but it will change whose eyes you see the world through. Does prayer change your regrets from the past? No, not always, but it will change your hopes for the future! Does prayer change the people around you? No, not always, but it will change you - the problem isn't always in others. Does prayer change your life in ways you can't explain? Oh, yes, always! And it will change you from the inside out! So does prayer RE- ALLY change ANY- THING? Yes! It REALLY does change... EVERYTHING! DRAW NEAR TO GOD, AND HE WILL DRAW NEAR TO YOU LET EVERYTHING THAT HAS BREATH PRAISE THE LORD!

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11 FAITH MAKES ALL THINGS POSSIBLE, LOVE MAKES ALL THINGS EASY, HOPE MAKES ALL THINGS WORK "I SMOKE CIGARS BECAUSE AT MY AGE IF I DON'T HAVE SOMETHING TO HANG ON TO, I MIGHT FALL DOWN." -GEORGE BURNS

12 DON T YOU HATE IT WHEN A ZOMBIE ON A RAMPAGE FOR BRAINS WALKS RIGHT BY YOU? ANIMAL TESTING IS BAD; THEY RE NERVOUS AND GET IT ALL WRONG CRIME DOESN T PAY? DOES THAT MAKE MY BOSS A CRIMINAL? * A proverb of unknown origin states, "The length of a piece of wood can only be too short on one end." * Scotsmen and their descendants make up almost half of the signers of the Declaration of Independence, and almost three-quarters of American presidents. * An adult human has 60,000 miles of blood vessels. * There was a scientist once who made it his mission to taste as many different kinds of meat as he possibly could. In his opinion, the worst tasting was mole meat. I won't argue. There probably aren't very many people who would be willing to gain enough experience in that field to be able to debate the matter. * Hong Kong has more Rolls Royce cars per capita than any other city in the world. * The main cabin of Air Force One, the airplane in which the president flies, is 4,000 square feet. That's more than many people's homes. Air Force One has seven bathrooms and 16 TVs. And there is enough food aboard to serve 2,000 meals. * There is a popular, bright green melon liqueur, "Midori," which is used to make fruity drinks such as melon balls. The name is very descriptive -- in Japanese, "midori" means "green." * Most people know that a human has 46 chromosomes, but how do we compare to other living things? Not surprisingly, an ant has only two. A fruit fly has eight. A garden pea has 14. Your pet dog has 78. And a garden fern? It has 1,260 chromosomes! * The state with the highest percentage of people who walk to work is Alaska. Thought for the Day: "Reading the fine print may give you an education -- not reading it will give you experience." -- V.M. Kelley (c) 2016 King Features Synd., Inc.