Resolving Chronic Conflict in Marriage Jonathan Holmes, Pastor of Counseling, Parkside Church Executive Director, Fieldstone Counseling

Transcription

1 Resolving Chronic Conflict in Marriage Jonathan Holmes, Pastor of Counseling, Parkside Church Executive Director, Fieldstone Counseling Behold, how good and pleasant it is when brothers dwell in unity! Psalm 133:1 But if you bite and devour one another, watch out that you are not consumed by one another. Galatians 5:15 Helping couples navigate through chronic conflict requires a biblical understanding of the problem and thus a biblical solution to the problem. Understanding the storyline of conflict: Creation Fall Redemption Consummation Copyright 2018 Jonathan D. Holmes, All Rights Reserved. 1

2 Understanding the pyramid of conflict: Chronic Conflict Eph. 2:11-22 Common Conflict James 4:1-3 Cosmic Conflict Gen. 3:15 Cosmic Conflict: Gen 3:15 Common Conflict: James 4:1-3 Chronic Conflict: Eph. 2:11-22 Three Summary Principles 1. Common conflict and chronic conflict are a declension of cosmic conflict. 2. You have to understand the cosmic conflict as the foundation if you re going to have a biblical understanding of both common and chronic conflict. 3. When we work through chronic conflict as believers we give practical and visible testimony to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Copyright 2018 Jonathan D. Holmes, All Rights Reserved. 2

3 Characteristics of chronic conflict Ongoing cycles of conflict which do not get resolved biblically Marked by unbiblical communication methods Prolonged periods of punishment behaviors Oftentimes a sense of indifference No filter on setting or context Inability to practice biblical forgiveness Bleeds over into other areas of life Other family members or friends are aware of the conflict Defaulting to relational grenades o I hate you! o I can t stand you! o I never should have married you! o You re a horrible person! o I can t keep doing this anymore! o I want a divorce! o Get out of the house! o I can t stand being near you! o I m going crazy! Copyright 2018 Jonathan D. Holmes, All Rights Reserved. 3

4 Addressing chronic conflict in marriage Set goals for biblical communication: Eph. 4:25-32 o Proverbs 18:17: The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him. Identify and name the problem Show them the cycle of chronic conflict Spouse's sin/weakness Lack of biblical resolution Spouse's unbiblical response Conflict ensues Spouse reacts sinfully Secure an acknowledgement that they can t keep doing this Offer biblical hope to the situation Listen and reframe their story Copyright 2018 Jonathan D. Holmes, All Rights Reserved. 4

5 Help them share their story Word bank of feelings Angry Sad Upset Misunderstood Unloved Unheard Defensive Blamed Cornered Bullied Taken Controlled Manipulated Disliked advantage of Unappreciated Unaffirmed Stupid Ignored Indifferent Unsafe Tense Powerless Stubborn Exhausted Hounded Foolish Overwhelmed Tired Shocked Dismayed Guilty Embarrassed Ashamed Lonely Alienated Remorseful Sorrowful Abandoned Rage Discounted Frustrated Indignant After hearing their spouse s story encourage them to repeat back to you what they heard Introduce three possibilities Talk about their body posture Give them a plan for biblical reconciliation Goal is to help them work through a small issue in session to help them work through the larger ones Practical helps for going home Copyright 2018 Jonathan D. Holmes, All Rights Reserved. 5

6 Consensus vs. Compromise Fig. 1 HUSBAND WIFE Fig. 2 HUSBAND Resources WIFE Jonathan D. Holmes, Counsel for Couples: A Biblical and Practical Guide for Marriage Counseling Ernie Baker, Help! I m in a Conflict Lou Priolo, Picking Up the Pieces: Recovering from Broken Relationships Brad Hambrick, Conflict-Resolution Online Evaluation: Robert D. Jones, Pursuing Peace: A Christian Guide to Handling Conflicts o Specifically chapter 12, When Nothing Works Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict Paul David Tripp, War of Words: Getting to the Heart of Your Communication Struggles William P. Smith, Loving Well (Even If You Haven t Been) Brenda Pauken, Christian Conciliation & Peacemaking Organizations o o o Contact Information: Jonathan Holmes jholmes@parksidechurch.com twitter.com/jonathanholmes Copyright 2018 Jonathan D. Holmes, All Rights Reserved. 6

7 Appendix A Forgiveness Defined: Thomas Watson, Body of Divinity forgiveness: When we strive against all thoughts of revenge; when we will not do our enemies mischief, but wish well to them, grieve at their calamities, pray for them, seek reconciliation with them, and show ourselves ready on all occasions to relieve them. 1 Biblical Theology: Matthew 18:21-35 Theological Principles: 1. You are never more like God than when you forgive: Matthew 5:44; 18:32-33; Ephesians 4:32 C.H. Spurgeon: We can urge you to the tenderest spirit of forgiveness by pointing to God who for Christ s sake has forgiven you. What nobler motive can you require for forgiving one another? With such high examples, brethren, what manner of people ought we to be? We have sometimes heard of men who were better than their religion, but that is quite impossible with us; we can never, in spirit or in act, rise to the sublime elevation of our divine religion It is only reasonable that those who are forgiven for greater sins should forgive the lesser sins Matthew 18:23-35 C.H. Spurgeon: If anyone here who is a Christian finds it difficult to forgive, I am going to give him three words that will help him wonderfully. I would put them into the good man s mouth. I gave them to you just now and prayed you to get the sweetness of them. Here they are again, For Christ s sake. Cannot you forgive an offender on that ground? You must forgive not because you are forced to, but because you heartily do it One who does not forgive will not be forgiven: Matthew 6:14-15; 18:23-25; Mark 11:26 1 John Piper As We Forgive Our Debtors. Desiring God, 20 March 1994, Accessed November 28, John F. MacArthur, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness (Wheaton: Crossway, 1998), Ibid, Copyright 2018 Jonathan D. Holmes, All Rights Reserved. 7

8 4. Failure to forgive invites divine chastening: Matthew 18:34-35; Hebrews 12: It is not murder only that the 6 th Commandment prohibits: Matthew 5:21-26; 1 John 3:15 6. Whoever has offended you, has offended God much more, and God forgives: James 2:12-13 Even if we were to sin once, we have violated the law as a whole, and yet God is merciful to us The sins we commit against each other are nothing in comparison to the sin against God which rightly deserves death Therefore, we should be merciful in judgment allowing God to be the judge God is the righteous judge, and even He forgives 7. Absence of forgiveness leads one to be unsuitable for worship: Mark 11: Not to forgive is to usurp the authority of God: Romans 12:14-21 I am not the righteous judge, God is 9. Your injuries and offenses to you will become your perfecting trials: James 1:2-4 faith produces endurance faith is required to forgive it takes a step of faith some of us are fearful of being hurt again you don t want to stick your neck out on the line time and time again 10. He who does not forgive will not enjoy the fellowship of Christian believers: 2 Timothy 3:1-5 Greek word here for irreconcilable speaks of a warring party not willing to enter into a peace treaty or truce with another party Common Questions: 1. What is biblical forgiveness between two believers? 2. What is the difference between horizontal and vertical forgiveness? horizontal forgiveness: Luke 17:3; between you and the other person, applicable in the cases when the person who has offended you 1) repents and 2) seeks your forgiveness vertical forgiveness: Mark 11:25 this is in the context of teaching about faith this is an imperative verb actually reading, YOU FORGIVE Copyright 2018 Jonathan D. Holmes, All Rights Reserved. 8

9 anything against anyone this is all-inclusive In Mark 11:25 we see the vertical axis: man to God. It has to do with my own heart and attitude toward the person before God. It is calling me to repent of bitterness and to forgive. It focuses more on my attitude towards the other person before God. Forgiveness as an attitude (the vertical dimension) must be present in my heart first. Luke 17:3, on the other hand speaks of the horizontal axis of forgiveness: person to person. Forgiveness as a transaction between two people is possible only if the offender repents, admits the sin, and asks for forgiveness. In order to forgive someone, it must begin with me and my own heart attitude before God. 4 For further reading, Robert D. Jones, Pursuing Peace, Appendix A (pgs ) 3. Do I have to forgive an unrepentant brother? What about a repentant brother? UNREPENTANT o you have to forgive the unrepentant brother before God; you release any feelings of ill-will, harm, hatred, anger, bitterness to God o you plead for his repentance to God o examples: you don t gossip about the brother who has offended you, you don t facially give other people reason to believe you have something against him, you don t encourage rumors or speculations about that person inadvertently o Thomas Watson, Body of Divinity: We are not bound to trust an enemy; but we are bound to forgive him REPENTANT o C.H. Spurgeon: There is no grace where there is no willingness to overlook faults. 4. What if I am not sure about the offender s repentance? Such deliberately repeated offenses, especially when accompanied by phony repentance, are evidences of a profoundly evil character and a cynical hatred of the truth. John the Baptist was justified in refusing baptism to the Pharisees until they showed the reality of their profession of repentance (Matthew 3:8). 5 example: Apostle Paul in Acts 9:26 5. What promises does forgiveness make? 6 I will not bring up this offense again or use it against you. I will not gossip or malign you because of this offense. I will not dwell on this offense. 4 Timothy Lane, Pursuing and Granting Forgiveness. Journal of Biblical Counseling (Spring 2005): John F. MacArthur, The Freedom and Power of Forgiveness (Wheaton, Illinois: Crossway Publishers, 1998), Timothy Lane, Pursuing and Granting Forgiveness. The Journal of Biblical Counseling (Spring 2005): 53. Copyright 2018 Jonathan D. Holmes, All Rights Reserved. 9

10 When we fail to forgive the little offenses of daily life, we slowly but surely move down that same path a path different only by degree, not kind. We feel the initial rush of justified anger when someone sins against us. But the initial sense of injustice quickly moves into vigilantism and we quickly take God s place and dole out doses of our own version of biblical justice Is forgiveness the absence of anger at sin? NO No it is not. However, we use an unforgiving spirit sometimes to punish another believer. We should entrust that person and their sin to God who judges righteously (cf. 1 Peter 2:23b) Punishment responses: withdrawal, silent treatment, gossip, rumor spreading, self-pity, depression, bitterness, resentment Ephesians 4:32 (NIV): in your anger do not sin 7. Does me forgiving an offender mean the Lord is going to allow the offender to escape from the consequences from sin? Not at all. The Lord uses consequences and punishments sometimes to teach us and sanctify us. Just because a sin is covered in love does not mean there are no consequences (Psalm 32:1; 85:2) A parent may forgive their child for disobeying or lying, but still prescribe a punishment. This would not be out of line or unforgiving in any way. Example- Israelites not able to go into the Promised Land: Numbers 14:18-23 Example- David s firstborn son dying: 2 Samuel 13:13-14 READ PSALM 99:8 8. If I do not forgive my brother does that mean I will lose my salvation? Thomas Watson, Body of Divinity: Though a child of God, after pardon, may incur His fatherly displeasure, yet His judicial wrath is removed. Though He may lay on the rod, yet He has taken away the curse. Correction may befall the saints, but not destruction. 9. Do I have to promise to forget when I forgive? NO Read Jeremiah 31:34 Hebrews 8:12; 10:17; Isaiah 43:25 7 Ibid, 54. Copyright 2018 Jonathan D. Holmes, All Rights Reserved. 10