Always Resolve Everything NOW! DR. JAMES MACDONALD ))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))

Transcription

1 )))))) Always Resolve Everything NOW! DR. JAMES MACDONALD )))))))))))))))))))))))

2 Always Resolve Everything NOW!! Dr. James MacDonald P.O. Box 764, Arlington Heights, IL WORD

3 We used to be close, but we haven t talked for years. I wouldn t dread the holidays so much if I didn t see him. I don t know how I could ever forgive, much less forget what she did... Sound familiar? In every family, every church, every work group, unresolved conflict robs good people of good relationships. Instead of resolving the conflict, we usually try to sweep it under the carpet or wait to flip some pages on the calendar and hope it ll go away. But it won t go away and we can t escape it. Relational conflict is just a part of life. James 4:1 says, What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? The problem s not out there. The problem is in our own heart. It s me and my own pride and my selfishness and my insistence on being right about things. Wait before you toss this booklet aside saying, I don t need to hear that! Hear me out. I know that the person on the other side of your conflict may have a problem beyond your control but the peace you re looking for is found in allowing God to build humility, graciousness and a loving nature into you. I know personally how hard this whole subject is. But I also know that God takes it very seriously. At the end of your life don t you want to be able to say, I tried to be a person who was passionate about the things that God was passionate about? Don t you want to be that person? Man, I do. 1

4 2 The Price We Pay for not Resolving Conflict Is the conflict worth hanging on to? Count the cost. Resolving conflict is like fixing a leak in your roof. It s just a trickle. I can do it tomorrow, right? Well, just wait until the plaster starts falling on your new carpet and the water runs down the walls and into your electrical outlets. What s the price to fix it then? Unresolved conflict just gets worse over time. That s why Matthew 5:25 says: Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are on the way. I like that. On the way where? On the way anywhere. Wherever you run into the person. And how does it say to resolve it? Quickly. In the context, Jesus is saying, Settle it before you get to court. Or you re going to get a verdict from the judge. The judge is going to turn you over to the guard and you re going to be put in prison. I hear you say, James, I don t know where you re coming from. People don t go to jail anymore over arguments. Maybe not physically. But the world s worst prison is the bitterness and unforgiveness you feel when you re not rightly reconciled to another person. You say, James, if you knew about the relationship that I m thinking of right now, it s not like you go one time to this person and get reconciled

5 with them. This person makes me nuts every week. Well, then, I guess you have a lifetime of reconciliation in front of you. I wonder what God would love to do to soften that person s heart through the gracious, tenderness of Jesus expressed through you. God would love to do all that in the person that you re thinking of just now. Here is the hard reality about unresolved conflict: #1 UNRESOLVED CONFLICT GIVES SATAN A FOOTHOLD Ephesians 4:26 says, Do not let the sun go down on your wrath, neither give place to the devil. If you allow that unresolved conflict in your life to lead to hatred and bitterness, Satan has a place to stand. He can direct so much of your life from that foothold, that access you ve given him to your heart through your own unforgiveness. You ve given him a position of leverage and strength over you. The idea in Ephesians 4:26 is like the Allied armies on the beaches of Normandy in World War II and the price that was paid to get a beachhead. Once the enemy gets a beachhead in your life, he can control your life. #2 UNRESOLVED CONFLICT LEADS TO BITTERNESS Hebrews 12: talks about beware lest any root of bitterness spring up and by it many people become defiled. Did you ever try to get a root dug out of your backyard? You dig and dig and there s more and it s thick and you can t get at it. Think about the concept of having a root of bitterness in your heart. You try to shovel some dirt over it and cover it up, but when the rains of relational strife 3

6 come down and wash that thing bare, that bitterness pops out. You say, Well, I think it s behind me. No, you just covered it up. Have you really dealt with it? Is it gone? God help us to dig those roots up and be done with it. #3 UNRESOLVED CONFLICT TARNISHES THE LORD S NAME Romans 2:24 says, Because of these things, the Lord s name is blasphemed among those who do not believe. God s reputation for reconciliation is well known. Even the world knows that God loves to reconcile. If we claim to follow Him, we re supposed to be like Him. When we re not, it tarnishes the Lord s name and people are like, Man, your faith is such a joke. You say you believe this, but you live this way. Why? Because even they know that if you love a loving Savior, that flows down into your relationships. God help us love each other that way. 4 #4 UNRESOLVED CONFLICT CAUSES YOU TO FORFEIT GOD S FORGIVENESS Matthew 6:12 15 So will God do to each of you if you do not from your heart forgive your brother. A lifetime of shallow heartedness and unforgiveness reveals a life that has never truly been born again by the Spirit of God. You may go to church every week and sing songs and do the things Christians do, but if this message bounces off you like BB s against a brick wall because you ve tolerated that bitterness, then you need to ask yourself how your heart got so hard. Let Jesus break through into your life and bring forth an expression of love and

7 humility toward those people that have injured you. The result? Christ will be honored and you will be set free. #5 UNRESOLVED CONFLICT IN OUR LIVES PROVES THAT WE RE NOT TRULY CONVERTED Galatians 5:16, Walk in the Spirit and you will not fulfill the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires against the Spirit, the Spirit against the flesh. Then Paul says, Now the works of the flesh are these and he begins to list them: Fornication, uncleanness, impurity, idolatry, (these are the big bad ones we d expect) but then, strife and envy and jealousy. (Ouch! Too close, man, back off!) Then it says, Those who practice such things, well, they don t know Christ. They will not inherit the Kingdom of God. And so a failure to reconcile proves that we are not truly converted. I think you d agree the price of unresolved conflict is too high. It s time to do something about it. 5

8 6 Resolving Conflict in God s Family You know it s going to happen conflict is just part of life. So what do you do when there is a specific conflict with two believers in Christ Jesus? As we go forward in God s Word, I want you to bring to mind the name and the face of a person with whom you have unresolved conflict. Maybe it s somebody you used to work with who undercut you in the market place, or said something negative that injured your reputation. Maybe it s a family member. Maybe it s one of your parents and you re dreading the next family holiday. There have been some words said that shouldn t have been said or things aren t the way they re supposed to be. Maybe it s with one of your children or maybe you ll eat dinner across the table from that person tonight. Before we go any further, pray right now that God would make you willing to receive His Word as it relates to reconciling with this person. Tell Him that you re willing to act in obedience in action and attitude as His Spirit prompts you. Ask Him for His love for that person to help you desire the very best for that person. Surrender yourself in faith and trust God s work in your own heart. You ve just taken the first step.

9 Direction from God s Word As a pastor, I ve been called on to help countless believers resolve interpersonal issues and I have found Matthew 18 to be one of the most over-quoted and under-used portions of Scripture in all of God s Word. I hear so many people talk about Matthew 18, but so few do what it says. Let s be among the few. Let s do what God says. So, keeping that name and face in mind, and that willing, open heart to God s Spirit, let s dive into Matthew 18. All of this is from the very mouth of our Savior on conflict resolution: If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you ve gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a gentile and a tax collector. 7

10 Truly I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again, I say to you, if two or three of you on earth agree about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them. 8

11 Five Biblical Steps to Conflict Resolution Let s break it down now to five key application points to help us know how to resolve everything now! #1 MAKE SURE IT S A BIG DEAL Make very, very sure that what you re getting bent about is a big deal. If your brother (as in if someone in the family of God) sins. See, there s the big deal right there sin. The conflict between you is not a matter of personal preference. So much pain is caused in the body of Christ between people who don t understand the difference between sin and preference. This is a very important point. As followers of Jesus Christ, we must grow in our capacity to discern the difference. You shouldn t go and confront someone who just really bugs you. Man, I don t like the way you do your hair, and I m tired of the way you drive the car, and I don t like... These are minor irritations or personality differences, not sins. You can t use Matthew 18 to resolve a conflict about the color you paint the lobby of the church. OK? It has to be a sin. It has to be a big deal. The sin has also got to be against you. It has to be your business. Intentionally or unintentionally, you have to be personally involved. 9

12 Now you can give someone a word of counsel or encouragement. You can exhort anybody. But you cannot leverage change through Matthew 18 unless it is a brother sinning against you. #2 TAKE ACTION: GO! You say, Well, but it is a brother or sister. And they have sinned. And it is against me. OK, by all means, go to the second thing. Here it is in one word: Go! Don t be casual or indifferent about it. Get the matter resolved. Things We Do Instead of Going. We gossip. We talk to somebody else about it. It really bugs me when he did that and it s wrong. We wallow in it. We don t tell anybody but we just sit there and stew about it. We try to get even. I ll just wait for my chance, and I m going make him feel what he made me feel. I m going to say some hurtful things like she did. We just deny it. I d have to care about her for her to hurt me. I don t care about her. She couldn t hurt me for nothing. She s nothing to me. We cut the person off and scar our heart and deny that we feel what we know we felt. 10 You say, Well, how do you deal with all those kind of things being said and done? I want to share with you three things that have really helped me. Let it roll off your back. Just let it go. Extend grace. Give them the benefit of the doubt. They don t understand. Or, They didn t realize. Or, You know, I ve said things to people that hurt them that I didn t even realize it hurt them. Maybe that s what

13 happened to me this time. I try to let it roll off my back and forget about it. And if you do that, 90 percent of the problems will get handled right there. If it won t roll off your back, roll it on the Lord. Sometimes I ve got to pray about it. I ve got to go see God. I need Your heart for this person, Lord. I m sure they didn t mean it the way that it came across. Please give me a heart of compassion for them and what they are going through that s causing them to act out this way. Back in seminary they used to always tell us that if you want to be a pastor you ve got to have a thick skin. I don t agree with that at all. Every person I have ever met who had a thick skin also had a hard heart. Part of being willing to love and care for people is having a sensitive heart. I think my mom was the first one who ever shared this with me, and I pray this fairly regularly as I try to roll off the offenses of life to the Lord. It s just a little verse that says, I ve asked to the Lord to take from me the super-sensitivity that robs the soul of joy and peace and causes fellowship to cease. If you can t let that offense roll off your back and you can t roll it off to the Lord, then go to the person and work it out. When two godly people get together If you love Christ and I love Christ, what could happen between us that we couldn t work out? Nothing. Nothing if we both remain humble before the Lord and loving toward one another. Isn t that great to think? Conflicts will come, but nothing will ever happen that we can t work it out if we follow the pattern here in God s Word. 11

14 #3 BE SPECIFIC If your brother sins against you, go, tell him his fault. No beating around the bush, no starting with ten words of encouragement and all these worldly truisms that we ve been told. Just get to the point. It goes like this. You did this and it hurt me, and here s how it affected me. Here s how I ve tried to deal with it, and I ve just got to be honest with you, I can t get over this. Could you help me? Tell him his fault. Actually, the Greek for tell him his fault is literally, lay out the evidence. Obviously the evidence Scripture is talking about are not assumptions or motives or innuendoes. These are facts lay out the facts. This is what happened. We were here at 5:00 p.m. and you said this and this is the result. If you don t know what happened, you better stay home. Be very specific. By the way, go and tell him don t show him. Listen, marriage partners. Don t be showing your marriage partner that you re upset about stuff. Don t try to extract revenge from the person by making them feel guilty. Don t make them guess tell them. What s wrong, honey? Nothing. Nothing? Well, you sure look like something s wrong right now. 12 Nothing s wrong! Well, why are you acting like that? I m not acting like anything. Loved one, out with it. You hurt me when you do this. That s a communication centerpiece for a happy marriage.

15 Here s something that can help you with this very difficult task from John 1:14. It says, And the Word because flesh and dwelt among us. And we beheld His glory. And what is His glory like? John says here that Jesus is full of grace and truth. Now, that s the tonality of confrontation full of grace and truth. Some of us are grace people and some of us are truth people, but the power is in the balance. You have to have both grace and truth. When you re headed into personal confrontation, some of us would tend to be full of grace and by the time you shaved all the corners off the fault, the person is like, This is it? This is what you re bringing to me? Others would come barreling in with the truth like a bull on roller skates. Make a note of this: All truth and no grace is brutality. But all grace and no truth is hypocrisy. What we desperately need in the church and in our homes is the balance between those two things. That s why I m so fired up about John 1:14, And we beheld his glory full of grace and truth. Let that be the tone of every interaction that we have in seeking to bring a brother or sister to a place of repentance. #4 PRIVATE AT FIRST It s got to be private at first. Why? because the text says, Go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. You and him alone. Again, Why? because 1 Peter 4:8 says that love covers a multitude of sins. And if my brother has sinned, I don t want anyone else to see it. I want him to grow and be everything that God wants him to be. So I go to him privately, lest he be publicly shamed and embarrassed. 13

16 14 Another reason I go to him in private is because I might be mistaken. Now, if you re not open to the possibility that you could have seen the situation wrong, don t go to the person. You re not humble enough yet. Keep praying about it. Maybe you have the wrong person, or the wrong motives, or you have the wrong response. Here s a third reason why you should go in private. Implied throughout the text is that the person who sinned isn t aware of their sin. If you go in private you can help him see his blind spot. We all have unique blind spots and if we re ever going to grow out of them, someone s going to have to tell us. That s why you go in private first. Lastly, the reason why I would go in private is because if they listen, I ve gained my brother. That word gained is actually a financial term. It s the idea of, I invested myself and now it is paying dividends. I ll tell you, a tested relationship is the best relationship there is. It s nice to hang out with the Lord s people, but when you ve been through some valleys together, fought some wars, confronted some differences and worked it out that s a relationship that goes on forever. That s why you go in private so that you might gain your brother. But if he doesn t listen, then you ve got to go down another road. According to the text, you need to choose one or two people who are mature in the faith and have discernment. Take someone who is objective and cares about both sides. Don t take your mom, OK? Take somebody who loves both people and who can stand in the middle and maybe tell you some things too. Be open to that.

17 You say, Man, this seems like a big hassle. Why would I do all this? I d rather just forget about the person. Well, you do it because you say that you love God and this matters to God. Would you be willing to go through a bit of a hassle for God? Remember, He s the Father, right? And how do you feel about your own children? Don t you want them to work things out? Think how God feels. So, increase the pressure by involving others. You say, That s it, that s the final step? Well, sadly, no it isn t. There s this last thing. #5 BE WILLING TO SUFFER INJUSTICE BY CHOOSING TO FORGIVE, EVEN IF THE PERSON WILL NOT SEE IT You are never more like God than when you choose to forgive. Of course the only reason you can forgive is because you have been forgiven. Wanna get blessed? Do what I did and read every verse in the Bible that describes God s forgiveness. In case you don t get to it soon, here are the highlights: It is God s nature to forgive. For You, Oh Lord, are good and ready to forgive, abundant to mercy to those who call upon You. Psalm 86:5 There is to be no limit to God s forgiveness. If [your brother] sins against you seven times a day, and returns to you seven times, saying, I repent, forgive him. Luke 17:4 Forgiveness was in our Lord s heart as He died on the cross. And Jesus said, Father, forgive them... Luke 23:24 15

18 16 God forgives us only because Christ died to pay for our sins. In Christ we have redemption through His blood the forgiveness of sins. Ephesians 1:7 God is always ready to forgive us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us. 1 John 1:9 If that s true (and it is!) then we need to be ready and willing to forgive the person who has hurt us. Every heart that truly comprehends the reality of God s forgiveness bursts forth in a fountain of grace that drenches everyone in the near vicinity. Forgive that person even if they never accept it or acknowledge it. You re that one who will be most blessed. Now that I ve said that, I need to clarify three things about what forgiveness is not. #1 Forgiveness is not enabling What if my friend has an overspending problem, and I lend him money sometimes and he never pays me back. Do I have to forgive him? Sure. Do you have to give him your credit card? No. Forgiveness is not helping the person sin more. Show a tough and strong love for them. Love does not rejoice in iniquity, it rejoices in the truth. You never hear this part of 1 Corinthians 13 read at the weddings but it s love all the same. Forgiveness is not enabling. #2 Forgiveness is not rescuing If my 15 year old son (praise God this is not true), takes the car out for a joy ride and crashes it into a tree, do I have to forgive him? You better believe it.

19 Do I have to give him his own set of car keys? Do I talk the Juvenile Court out of taking his license away? No, I don t have to do any of those things. And I would never protect my child from the consequences of their wrong behavior lest they crash the car into a tree next time and kill themselves. I want them to learn. I want to be like God in modeling a perfecting love, not a pampering love. Forgiveness is not rescuing. #3 Forgiveness is not risking If my father-in-law loses his mind when he drinks and says awful, bitter things, do I have to forgive him? Yes! Do I have to accept his invitation to the New Year s Eve bash? No. Reconciliation does not require enabling, rescuing, or risking. It just requires this: If possible, so far as it depends upon you, live peaceably with all men (Romans 12:18). 17

20 The Key to Reconciliation Here s the key in all of this. We re not human do-gooders here. We are the followers of Jesus Christ. Two thousand years ago God sent His Son into this world to die on a cross to pay the penalty for your sins and mine so that we might be forgiven. Even after we come to the cross we do things that are not pleasing to God. But the key in reconciliation with God is repentance and faith. So, always resolve everything now! The real healing, blessing, and joy only comes to those who do what God s Word says. Determine this moment that you will obey God in this very personal matter of resolving conflict. Make that phone call today. Write a letter this week. Make an appointment with someone who needs to hear you say, I m so sorry for what I said and did. Please forgive me. Might these words echo through our homes tender-heartedness, kindness, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ has forgiven us (Ephesians 4:32). 18 JUST BETWEEN YOU AND THE LORD: Lord, I stake my claim on the rightness of what You say. I know that There is a way that seems right, but the end is the way of death (Proverbs 14:12). But Your ways are life and peace (Romans 8:6). Even when it promises hardship and embarrassment and difficulty, I believe that Your ways in resolving conflict are right. I know they lead me to joy and

21 peace and happiness. I know that faith is believing the Word of God and acting upon it no matter how I feel because You promise a good result. And so I pray that You would allow me to step away from every objection I might think of in regards to being a person of reconciliation and reaching out in love to those who have injured me and saying, I m sorry, and asking forgiveness to those I have hurt. I ask that my obedience would allow You to flow Your grace like a mighty river in my heart. Help me, Lord. Forgive me for my hard heartedness and callous indifference to others. Forgive me for thinking or saying, Well, I don t need her. And, Forget about him. Forgive me, Lord, and cause me to see how those attitudes grieve Your heart and grieve Your Spirit. I want to be like the Lord Jesus. I want my life to please You. Be honored in my actions and in my attitudes. How quick I am to be injured. How quick I am to take offense. Give me grace grace and truth for my relationship with others and might You be exalted and honored in the way that we live together before You. Help us to be obedient to Your truth and release into our lives the joy that You reserve for those who follow You with their whole hearts. To this victory and obedience, I entrust myself now. Unto You who is able to keep us from falling (Jude 1:24). In Your name I pray, Amen. 19

22 Put It to Work WHO? Who do you need... to forgive?... to reach out to in love and acceptance?... to ask forgiveness from?... to call, write, , or visit in order to make things right between you? WHAT? What do you need to do today? Let someone off the hook? They didn t sin, they just didn t act according to my personal preference. Let something someone said roll off your back? Roll off on the Lord something that happened and in faith anticipate His resolve and peace? 20 Get the facts right about an offense against you? Forgive someone?

23 WHERE? Where are you today in terms of these three verses: Romans 12:18, If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. In your Bible, circle the words, so far as it depends on you. Ponder them in your heart, too. Ephesians 4:31, Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you. Bitterness means long-standing resentments, grudges that are nursed, wounds and injuries that are remembered in vivid detail. Got anything you need to forget? John 1:14: Are you a model of grace and truth? Be a grace person. Remember your ultimate goal is to bring restoration to your relationship, not to make them squirm. People may need time. Mercy and patience gives them a place to land. Be a truth person. If you are a follower of Christ, tell the truth. If you re a counselor, advise the truth. If you re a listener, welcome the truth. If you re a leader, pursue the truth. Embrace the truth, regardless of how much it hurts. Be all about truth. 21

24 WHY? Why did you read this booklet? Why should you make any adjustments in your current approach to relationships? HOW? How has unresolved conflict changed your relationships? Do you avoid some people or have you built walls to keep out some relationships? How do you want to respond the next time a conflict surfaces in your life? (Like, maybe today?) How are you going to change based on the truth from God s Word that you ve just read? What W is missing from the list above? WHEN?! You re right! The title of this booklet answers that question. So? Go in confidence knowing that your faith response to Scripture pleases God. 22

25 Other Resources from Walk in the Word on Resolving Conflict How to Change Your Husband How to Change You Wife Succeeding in Marriage from the series, Transforming Your Family by Faith Forgiveness from the series, Seven Words to Change Your Family... While There s Still Time. The World s Worst Prison from the series, The Teachings of Jesus And of course, the entire series, Always Resolve Everything... Now! These resources and more are available in the online store at or by calling WORD.

26 Always Resolve Everything NOW! DR. JAMES MACDONALD Avoid it. Ignore it. Delay it. Sweep it under the carpet. Flip the pages of the calendar and hope it'll go away. But it won't. Conflict between family members, coworkers, neighbors, even brothers and sisters in the body of Christ robs us of peace, distorts our perspective and builds a barrier between us and God. Hear this: God is all about resolving relational conflict. He wants the wall to come down. In fact, His Word details specific ways you can begin to resolve conflicts in your relationships... today! Download His truth into your life and get started resolving conflict... now. Igniting passion in the people of God through the proclamation of truth Walk in the Word is the Bible teaching ministry of Dr. James MacDonald. James teaching emphasizes the precise exposition of God s Word and its practical life application. Our goal is to ignite passion in the people of God through the proclamation of truth. But it isn t enough just to hear the Word we must actually do what it says. Originally from Canada, James and his wife Kathy have three children and make their home in suburban Chicago. He is the founding senior pastor at Harvest Bible Chapel, one of the fastest growing churches in the Chicago area with a congregation of more than 6,000. Learn how to please God with your life with Walk in the Word s practical daily broadcast available all the time at ))))))))))))))))))))))) P.O. Box 764, Arlington Heights, IL WORD ))))))