Leadership a High Calling

Transcription

1 Leadership a High Calling Introduction The Canadian Conference of MB Churches has had a long history of pastoral leaders who have lived and led with moral integrity. They have held high the calling from God to pastoral ministry as a sacred trust. We affirm that our pastors want to give glory to God and disciple people to follow Jesus Christ and live in obedience to the biblical principles. The strength of this discussion on moral integrity is that our pastors live and lead from a strong biblical foundation. A Biblical Foundation for Moral Integrity 1. God created us male and female to express healthy heterosexual sexuality in marriage. Genesis 2: God blesses some to live single. Matthew 19: God has filled us with the Holy Spirit and our lives are transformed. Galatians 5: The Christian is empowered to live in sexual purity. 1 Thessalonians 1: Sexual immorality is a sin against the body which is the temple of the Holy Spirit. 1 Corinthians 6: The road to the sexual failure of a leader is a step by step journey of compromise. Proverbs 6: The pastoral leader has a spiritual authority in leading people and an accountability to God. Hebrews 13:17 8. The pastoral leader must be intentional to keep his/her life pure. 1 Timothy 5:1-2 Notes: Edited October

2 A Damaging Betrayal Pastoral Sexual Abuse Rate the Following Statements T (True) or (False) 1. The work of the pastor is by nature intimate. The reality of pastoral ministry is that we are intimately involved, to varying degrees, in the lives of those whom we serve or supervise. T F 2. As a pastor, I have friendships and personal relationships with congregants, clients, students, employees, or church staff and it is often hard to define appropriate boundaries. T F 3. I have experienced a sexual attraction TO a congregant, a client, a student, an employee, or church staff person. T F 4. I have experienced a sexual attraction FROM a congregant, a client, a student, an employee, or church staff person. T F 5. I have encountered a risk of engaging in inappropriate, unethical behavior with those whom we serve or supervise. T F 6. I have at some point been tempted or have stepped across the boundaries of our pastoral role in a relationship with a congregant, a client, a student, an employee, or church staff person. T F 7. I am cognizant of the ever present challenge of how to maintain the integrity of my pastoral relationships in the work I do. T F Notes: Edited October

3 Clarifying Terms Key terms that require careful definition... Vulnerability: A condition in which there is less than full capacity to face and resist invasion of one s own boundaries, due to some deficiency or imbalance in social, mental, spiritual, or experiential development, status, or power. Sexual Abuse: Invasion of a person s sexual boundaries by a person who possesses emotional, physical, or spiritual power or influence over him or her. Sexual abuse always creates damage to the vulnerable person. Sexual Harassment: The use of one s emotional, spiritual, vocational, financial or social influence/power to gain sexual access to or dominance over a person vulnerable to that influence. Harassment can also involve the creation, whether by design or not, of a hostile environment in which words, actions, artwork, gesture, humor cause such discomfort for another person that they cannot function well in that setting. Sexual Misconduct: Any sexual act that a person or group considers immoral or which society considers illegal. This terminology is usually employed within a professional relationship. Sexual Addiction: A pathological relationship to any form of sexual activity. The pathology is that for a sex addict sexual activity has become totally unmanageable. Whatever they are doing, though they intend to stop, they cannot. The amount of sexual activity becomes progressively worse and usually leads to some form of negative consequences. Defining Sexual Contact within a Pastoral Relationship Just an affair Something that just got out of hand A momentary lap sin judgment Giving in to temptation Succumbing to another s wiles Sexual addiction An indiscretion Falling in love The result of the spouses inadequacies or lack of attention Betrayal of celibacy Adultery A midlife crisis A reaction to stress Taking care of one's own sexual meets Notes: Edited October

4 Can a Pastor Have an Affair? Technically no. When a pastor has sexual contact with a congregant, a client, a student, an employee, or a church staff person it is not an affair. It is called sexual abuse. Difference Between an Affair and Sexual Abuse Affair Affair is a term used to describe a sexual liaison between peers, or equals. The term affair focuses attention on the sexual nature of the behavior rather than the professional violation. The word affair in a pastor context implies equal responsibility of both the pastor and congregant s behavior. Sexual Abuse in a Pastoral Context Why is a Pastoral Sexual Violation Considered Abuse? A relationship between pastor and congregants is professional in nature. That means that pastor has a responsibility to live a biblical lifestyle and use the special knowledge, skills and gifts of their call for the benefit of those they serve. A pastor has a responsibility to establish healthy professional relationships. Because pastors carry moral and spiritual authority, as well as professional power it is ALWAYS their responsibility to maintain an appropriate professional boundary. Since the pastor has a responsibility to set and maintain appropriate boundaries, those who are violated by a pastor's inappropriate sexual behavior are not primarily responsible even if they initiated the contact. When the church tries to blame the congregant (usually but not always a woman) for the sexually inappropriate behavior of the pastor (usually but not always a man), it is a reflection of the difficulty people have believing that a person who carries moral and spiritual authority, who is respected and trusted, can also be guilty of misusing the power and authority of the office. That denial and confusion causes tremendous damage to victims who need understanding and support as well as to churches that need clear, ethical, theological and faith based intervention to understand their betrayal. Blaming the congregant also means a failure to call the abusing pastor to genuine accountability. The focus needs to remain on the violation of the ministerial relationship. Notes Edited October

5 The Fall into Sexual Abuse How Do We Describe The Pastoral Sexual Abuser? There are pastors who commit various acts of sexual misconduct or abuse, for whom the fall is a one time occurrence. There are others who commit acts of sexual misconduct in an ongoing pattern. Marie Fortune describes pastors who have sexual contact with congregants/clients on a continuum from a wanderer to a predator. Dr. Richard Irons has been involved in the assessment of impaired professionals including medical doctors, psychologists and pastors. He describes the following categories: The Naïve Prince. This pastor is usually psychologically healthy, but is inadequately trained to perceive appropriate ethical standards and boundaries. He/she may be young in ministry and experiences the power of ministerial status, feeling invulnerable. Given the right circumstances and stress level, this person can become romantically and sexually involved before the error is recognized. Wounded Warrior. The church becomes professional identity of this type. They usually become immersed in a demanding ministry. They neglect self-care. Serving others is their main source of self worth. Shame is a central issue for these people, so validation must come from the outside. Sexual validation may be an antidote to shame. Repressed wounds from the past emerge and fuel current conflicts. The warrior becomes increasingly isolated, wounded by his or her secret life. Addictive disease including sexual addiction may be present. Self-Serving Martyr. Pastors in this category usually are in their middle or late career. They have devoted their life to service to the church and sacrifice time for their own personal growth and family. They usually meet their personal needs through their work. Despite their need to be the ultimate caregiver, this type comes to resent the demands of the congregation. They feel unappreciated and abandoned. Anger and resentment lead them to feelings of selfjustifying entitlement, which leads them across sexual boundaries into misconduct. Longsuffering martyrs may become highly narcissistic and develop beliefs that they have a special ministry that God is created for them and that no one else fully understands them. This type experiences significant inner conflicts and anxiety, with a variety of addictions possible, including sexual addiction. Character logical pathology such as obsessive-compulsive, narcissistic, dependent, or hysterical types are possible. The False Lover. This type lives a life of intensity and high drama. They love living life on the edge, taking risks including through with seducing another into an act of passion and conquest. They are fixated adolescents. They may be charming, creative and energetic, often creating the impression that they are the best minister who has ever served as congregation. Religiosity is often used as a cover to convince others of the deep spirituality. Sexual misconduct takes place both in and out of the congregation. False lover's may maintain a series of lovers with multiple, concurrent partners. They may live a life full of divorces, job changes, and other social, legal, and vocational vacillation. Character logical pathology is similar to the self-serving martyr. Edited October

6 How Do We Describe The Pastoral Sexual Abuser Continued? The Dark King. This pastor is best described as charming and charismatic, exploiting his/ her power for personal gain. He/she is grandiose and needs to control and dominate. They can usually find a vulnerable adult to meet their sexual needs. The charisma of this type usually creates devoted followers who will remain fiercely loyal even when sexual misconduct is exposed. Dark Kings will go to great lengths to defend themselves and are usually therapeutically and legally adept enough to do this in a convincing fashion. While this type is rare, it is usually the one we find in media portrayals. It also represents a type of leader from which it congregation has great difficulty recovering. The Wild Card. These pastors suffer from major mental disorders. If left untreated by professionals, this person may seek to manage their illness with sexual activity. There is not part of a well-defined pattern or ritual. They may appear religious, and their spirituality may in fact be genuine. Why do pastors fall into sexual misconduct? Every pastoral leader needs to take responsibility in the present for their attitudes and actions that are sinful, and which may cause him to fall into sexual misconduct. It is however too simplistic to focus on the problem of pastoral sexual misconduct as simply a matter of biblical/ ethical boundary violations. There are 3 primary issues present at the root of pastoral sexual misconduct: 1. Family of origin & development 2. Environmental Factors - these include the cultural, theological, social, and physical environments. A dangerous list of beliefs that can emerge are: Women are inferior to men and should not be in power. They are weak and vulnerable and should be cared for in a controlling way. One way to control another person is through the yeses and no s of sexual activity. Sexual involvement is an indication of attraction. Sex is for everyone and no one will get hurt. Sex is equal to love. Caring for someone else means that sex is always an expression of that caring. 3. Social Factors Edited October

7 Strengthening Trust Through Boundaries God has established the church as a community where relationships are intended to nurture, strengthen and challenge people in their journey of following Christ. This relationship is by nature intimate and is intended to be pure. The Old and New Testaments provide the principles of maintaining this purity in our relationships through establishing boundaries. The pastor's relationship to the community is exceedingly complex in that he or she has been given authority in leadership. It is through establishing and maintaining these biblical boundaries that the relationship of trust between pastor and congregant is strengthened. Boundaries: Rules, norms, and codes of conduct that create a safe and nurturing environment for a person emotionally, physically, sexually, and spiritually. Effective boundaries allow us to feel safe and nurtured, and to be in charge of our own areas of competence and responsibility. Boundaries may be defined and vary according to gender, race, age, culture, and religion. Nils Frieberg & Mark Laaser. Before the Fall They may be either too rigid or too loose for ultimate well-being. Discussion: 1. Boundaries keep us from being overwhelmed by other people s stories. How does this happen? 2. We know what boundaries we can cross and when it s in the best interest of the person to do so. Under what circumstances might be in the best interest of the congregant across the boundary? How do you recognize when it is? Every pastor needs to know the importance of relational boundaries. Relational Boundaries: Help us maintain clear professional relationships. Are guidelines (usually unwritten) that help us discern when & or where not to participate in a given activity, especially if we have more power. Are not intended to shackle us but to free us and our work as spiritual leaders. Help us keep perspective when people s problems seem overwhelming. Signal to others that it is safe to trust us. Protect congregants/students/clients from our abuse of power. Our power is derived from our education, our position as a spiritual leader, and our resources. The very act of credentialing and ordination sets us apart as having more power and designates us for leadership. Adapted from Rev. John Heagie, Priestly Ministry and Healthy Boundaries Boundaries are not: Clear rules about where and when we can be friendly Blocks to authenticity and friendliness Edited October

8 How Can We Keep from Crossing Boundaries? 1. Be aware of our needs and find healthful ways to meet them other than by the people we are supposed to be serving. 2. Ask myself these questions: Is this in the best interests of the other person or does it only satisfy my needs? Would I be comfortable if all of my acquaintances knew I was doing this? 3. Establish a system of accountability. We should arrange to meet regularly with a spiritual director, teacher, or pastoral colleague with whom we can speak honestly. Understand the boundaries are not always easy to discern and that there are often no clear guidelines for the best action to take when confronted with an issue. Nancy Werking Polling. : B Boundary Issues for Clergy pg. 16 What s With the Holy Hug? The pastor s relationship with congregants is a tricky place to navigate with integrity. The nature of pastoral work is that we are continually crossing boundaries. We cross boundaries in our public speaking, in our conversations, and in our touch. This is further complicated by the transference and counter transference of emotions between pastor and people. Defining when to cross these boundaries is not accomplished with simplistic rules. The pastor is continually called upon to decide about the appropriateness of crossing boundaries in any given situation. Clarifying Terms: Transference is confusing feelings and desires for one person with feelings for another. For example people may confuse feelings toward pastors with emotions they associate with a parent or spouse. In this confusion, the congregants may bring the baggage from the earlier relationship to the pastoral relationship. Counter Transference is an inappropriate response to the transference of feelings and desires from a person. The pastor may use those feelings of attraction to satisfy a need to take care of someone. Transference Boundaries- when we use transference attachments for our own gratification we are inappropriately stepping over a boundary. To maintain appropriate boundaries we need to be aware that: - A congregant s interaction with us is often not about us - We aren t as wonderful or as terrible as congregants think we are - Praise for our leadership, preaching, or other skills, must be carefully processed - The dynamics of transference makes congregants more vulnerable Hugging and Touch Many of the people we serve in the church have intense emotional needs. In many cultures, touch, whether it is a handshake greeting, a pat on the back, a hug of support, or a hand held in prayer can be a very important part of pastoral care. When we touch a person we make a powerful connection with them. To touch some one is to cross a boundary. In the context of a pastoral relationship such boundary crossings are appropriate and healing. In other situations, for example with people who have a history of physical and sexual abuse, these same boundary crossings may be inappropriate and harmful. Edited October

9 Hugging and Touch Boundaries Hugging/Touch Discussion 1. What guidelines help us discern the difference between appropriate/inappropriate touch in pastoral settings? 2. What personal needs might lead us to inappropriately cross touch boundaries? Sometimes we think congregants need our touch. They may even ask for it. We need to consider: 1. Is this a transference situation? 2. Would touch be in their best interests or is it about our needs? 3. Is there a better way to convey warmth and caring? Good, Bad, and Confusing Touch Good Touches Bad touches Confusing touches What determines the nature of the touch? Cornelia Anderson, Touch Continuum Child Sexual Abuse Prevention Guidebook, 1979 Reflecting Journal your thoughts on the phrase Touch is a powerful connection Edited October

10 I m Your Pastor I m Your Friend Pastors have always wrestled with complexities of both giving leadership to the community and living as a member of the community. There are issues of friendship, dual relationships, self disclosure, mutual accountability, and receiving gifts. How we decide to handle these issues becomes a part of strengthening trust through boundaries. When pastors do not think carefully they risk setting themselves up to betray trust of spiritual leadership with the people. Sadly, the stories of pastoral moral failure often come out of relationships that were formed within the church community. Defining the Professional and Personal Relationship Traits of a Professional Relationship Traits of a Personal Relationship Who serves whom? Whose needs are primary? Who holds the power? What kinds of boundaries exist? Who is responsible for the boundaries? How much emotional distance? Is self-disclosure appropriate? What is the purpose of selfdisclosure? Notes: Edited October

11 Relationship Continuum Edited October

12 A Policy for Ministry Relationships Friendship In small groups develop pastoral relationship guidelines in these four categories: Dual relationships Dating Gifts Boundaries will work if pastoral leaders are committed to honor God, value themselves, their spouse, their family, and respect the people they are called to serve. A policy can define practices that will keep boundaries in place but it cannot protect the pastor from moral compromise. We strongly urge you to adopt a policy. At the same time, recognize that the pastoral relationship with congregants demands flexibility. Situations may arise where the pastor is confronted with a circumstance that demands a response outside of what would ordinarily be practiced. Such decisions should be made carefully and with open accountability to one s spouse or other ministry leader. This policy provides normal guidelines to be followed by the pastor for their protection and the protection of the congregation: * Adapted from Moral Guidelines for the Pastoral Team A BCMB Church 1. A pastor shall not travel alone in a vehicle with a person of the opposite gender other than their own spouse or family members. When travel with an opposite gender person is necessary for ministry purposes there should be documented accountability with a ministry supervisor, colleague, or spouse. Example tell your secretary to record when you depart and call when you arrive at your destination 2. A Children s or Student Ministry Pastor should never drive children or students of the opposite gender home alone. In the case of an emergency where there is no other option, parents must be notified for consent. If the parent/s of the children or students can not be reached the staff member must notify their ministry leader when you depart and call when you arrive. 3. A pastor shall not have frequent pre-arranged lunches or meetings outside of their office with a person of the opposite gender other than their own spouse or family members. When meetings with an opposite gender person are necessary for ministry purposes there should be a documented accountability with a ministry supervisor, colleague, or spouse. 4. A pastor should require same gender care giving & mentoring within the ministry and volunteers and staff. When necessary to meet with a ministry volunteer or person it must be done in a public place with documented accountability with a ministry supervisor, colleague, or spouse. Cont d next page Edited October

13 Moral Guidelines Policy Continued 5. A pastor should only meet with or counsel someone, other than their spouse or family members, in a church office or room with an uncovered window in the door. If possible, the door shall remain ajar. There should always be another ministry team member present in the adjoining office or room during all such meetings. 6. A pastor shall not meet with any person in their home or private setting alone. When such a meeting occurs because of an emergency, it should only be a meeting with the same gender and there should be documented accountability with a ministry supervisor, colleague, or spouse. 7. A pastor should not counsel a member of the opposite gender for more than three sequential sessions. 8. A pastor shall not discuss or give on-going counsel regarding sexual topics beyond an initial conversation while counseling with a member of the opposite gender other than their own spouse or family members. 9. Touching is a vital part of the ministry relationship, but must only be used by he pastor in appropriate ways that the gestures are understood by the other person. Touch should be limited to "mirroring" what the other person deems appropriate. Example, if a person extends a hand, shake the person s hand. Do not push the hand out of the way in order to give a hug. Kissing is out of bounds in all pastoral contact. 10. A pastor shall quickly remove themselves from any setting or distances themselves from any relationship where they feel threatened or tempted. Pay Attention to the Warning Signals Ask yourself the following questions to avoid violation of appropriate moral boundaries in your relationships: 1. The publicity test: what would others think of this relationship? What would my spouse think about this relationship? What would other pastors or elders think about this relationship? 2. The physical arousal test: Am I physically aroused in the presence of this person? Do I sense that she is or was aroused in my presence? What does the body language in this relationship say? 3. The mental test: What am I thinking about this person? Would I feel comfortable if others knew what my thoughts were about this person? 4. The instinct test: How do I feel (intuition, instinct) about this relationship? What feelings (intuition, instinct) does my spouse have about this relationship? 5. The time test: Am I spending too much time with this person? Is he or she asking me for too much of my time? 6. The secret test: Is there anything about this relationship that I am keeping a secret? Is there anything about this relationship that I would not want my spouse or my elders to know? Edited October

14 Bibliography Alcorn, Randy The Purity Principle: God s Safeguards for Life s Dangerous Trials Sister, OR: Multnomah Publishers, 2003 Benyei, Candance R. Understanding Clergy Misconduct in Religious Systems: Scapegoating, Family Secrets, and the Abuse of Power New York: The Haworth Pastoral Press, 1998 Block, Heather Advocacy Training Manual: Advocating for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by a Church Leader/Caregiver Winnipeg, Manitoba: Mennonite Central Committee Canada, 2003 Fortune, Marie M Is Nothing Sacred? When Sex Invades the Pastoral Relationship San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1989 Friberg, Nels C. & Mark L. Laaser Before the Fall: Preventing Pastoral Sexual Abuse Collegeville, Minnesota: The Liturgical Press, 1998 Gaede, Beth Ann, Editor When a Congregation is Betrayed: Responding to Clergy Misconduct Herndon, BA: The Alban Institute, 2006 Grenz, Stanley J. & Roy D. Bell Betrayal of Trust: Sexual Misconduct in the Pastorate Downers Grove, IL: Inter Varsity, 1995 Heggen, Carolyn Holderread Sexual Abuse in Christian Homes and Churches Eugene OR: Wipf & Stock Publishers, 2006 reprint (Companion video available on loan from MCC BC) Edited October