And a special add-in: What did the bra say to the top hat? You go on ahead and I'll give these two a lift!

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1 Humerus:Div 2018/03/21 9:06 AM Page 1 1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I observed an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a lowly bootlegger, but he loved her still. 4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies beside a road and was cited for littering. 7. A grenade thrown into a French kitchen would result in Linoleum Blownapart. 8. Two silk worms were in a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack. One said to the other: "You stay here. I'll go on a head." 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass". 15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got their first taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off a bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boarded an airplane. The stewardess told him, "I'm sorry, sir! Only one carrion allowed per passenger. 22. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 23. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron". The other says "Are you sure?" The first replied, "Yes, I'm positive. 24. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 25. Then...There was the person who sent ten puns to their friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. And a special add-in: What did the bra say to the top hat? You go on ahead and I'll give these two a lift! And what about the newspaper advertisement: For sale, Alsatian puppy. Eats anything, loves children. 52 diversions AUTUMN 2018

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3 Humerus:Div 2018/03/21 9:06 AM Page 3 WHERE DID THE INSPIRATION COME FROM? 54 diversions AUTUMN 2018

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5 Humerus:Div 2018/03/21 9:06 AM Page 5 An atheist was walking through the woods. 'What majestic trees! 'What powerful rivers! 'What beautiful animals! He said to himself. Suddenly, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look... and saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could along the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing on him... He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer... and then... He tripped and fell. Rolling over to pick himself up, he found the bear was right on top of him... reaching towards him with its left paw... and raising the right paw to strike... At that instant the Atheist cried out, 'Oh my God!' Time Stopped... The bear froze... The forest was silent... A bright light shone upon the man, and a voice came out of the sky... "You deny my existence for all these years, you teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident... Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?" "Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light... "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now... but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"... a pause... "Very well," said the voice... The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed... And the bear dropped his right arm... brought both paws together... bowed his head & spoke... "Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive! 56 diversions AUTUMN 2018

6 Humerus:Div 2018/03/21 9:06 AM Page 6 When the F word truly was acceptable There are only 11 times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use 11. "What do you mean, we are sinking?" - Capt. EJ. Smith of RMS Titanic, "What was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, "Where did all Indians come from?" - George Custer, idiot could understand that." - Albert Einstein, "It does look like her!" - Picasso, "How did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC 5. "You want WHAT on ceiling?" - Michelangelo, "Where are we?" - Amelia Earhart, showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC 2. "Aw c mon Monica. Who is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton, "There is way Trump will ever become President" - Hilary Clinton 2016 Sherlock Holmes Holmes and Watson went to sleep after a long day s camping. Hours later Holmes woke his friend. Watson, look at the sky. What do you see? I see millions of stars. What does that tell you? Astronomically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce the time is 3:15am. Theologically, I see God is all powerful. What does it tell you? Holmes replied Watson, it tells me someone has stolen our tent! 57 diversions AUTUMN 2018

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9 Humerus:Div 2018/03/21 9:06 AM Page 9 Elizabeth Taylor Amelia Earhart Albert Einstein Vincent van Gogh Sophia Loren Alfred Hitchcock, 1920 s Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow Paul Newman John Wayne 60 diversions AUTUMN 2018

10 Humerus:Div 2018/03/21 9:06 AM Page Pharmacist to a customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription...simply showing your marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough." 2. A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman "Which book has helped you most in your life?" The woman replied "My husband s cheque book!" 3. A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called, "Husband: the Master of the House"? Sales Girl: Certainly Sir, you'll find it under 'Fiction and Comics on the 1st floor! 4. Someone asked an old man: Even after 70 years, you still call your wife darling, honey, luv... What s the secret?" Old man: "I forgot her name and I m scared to ask her." 5. Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I d be in your hands all day. Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper...so I could have a new one every day! 6. Husband to wife: Today is a fine day. Next day he says: Today is a fine day. Again, the next day, he says the same thing: Today is a fine day. Finally, after a week, the wife can t take it and asks her husband "Since last week, you have been saying, 'Today is a fine day. I am fed up. What s the matter?" Husband: "Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day I was just trying to make sure you remembered." 7. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure that either the car is new, or the wife. 8. What's the difference between stress, tension and panic? Stress is when wife is pregnant; Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant; Panic is when both are pregnant! 9. A young boy asks his Dad: "What is the difference between confident and confidential?" Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son; that is confidential!" 61 diversions AUTUMN 2018