Memorial Booklet. Helen Pinder. 22 June November Page 1

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1 Memorial Booklet Helen Pinder 22 June November 2014 Page 1

2 Who Am I? by Helen Before I moved to Trelay I was living alone, not by choice, in a small terraced house just off a busy suburban shopping street in Cambridge. I worked three days a week doing finance and admin for a charity which supports women. I turned 60 in June 2009, which is very strange as I don t feel at all like a pensioner! I was born in Nottingham and lived there until I was 18, and on and off during the next 6 or 7 years, though not with my family. I have three brothers, one older and two younger, but there is only 5 years between the oldest and the youngest. My father died in January 2000 and my mother died, aged 89, in December Both suffered from dementia and spent their last years in a care home. My brothers all live in Nottingham and have normal jobs and families. I get on very well with them, though only see them once a year or so. Good memories of my childhood seem to involve the outdoors and freedom - going to the park with my brothers, holidays on the beach and in the sea, camping with the Girl Guides, climbing the tree in my friend s garden and just sitting up there for hours, talking or reading. But there was also a feeling of not quite understanding the rules of life, nothing being explained, getting into trouble but not knowing why. I passed my 11+ with flying colours and won a scholarship to the local private school, but never fitted in there. I muddled along enough to get reasonable exam results, but lack of motivation and unhelpful career advice led me to start a teachertraining course. Yes, I wanted to work with children, but not as a teacher, so I left after two years and began a pretty nomadic lifestyle. It was 1969, and whilst I was too sensible to be a hippy, I was still able to take advantage of the freedom of the time. During the next 8 years, I learned about life and independence. Alongside learning child-care in Sutton Coldfield, PCB assembly in Scotland and bookkeeping in Nottingham, I got married and separated, and discovered feminism, anarchism, left-wing political action. Now I began to feel I knew where I belonged. The next 7 years included working in a collective, producing a radical pacifist magazine Peace News in Nottingham, a couple of months at a protest camp on the proposed site of Torness Nuclear Power station, living in a commune outside Sheffield where I leant to weave, milk goats and run a printing press, and helping set up and manage a short-life housing coop in Southern London. In 1982 I moved to Cambridge, to work in a community printing cooperative and lived in (and was involved in running) a housing coop. I was on my way back north, but got stuck. In February 1988 my son was born. When he was about to start to school we moved to a house just up the road from his father, Tim. We demonstrated the art of being a non-cohabiting couple, much to the envy of some of our friends. Page 2

3 Over the next few years, I took an A level in sociology and a BA in Women s studies and sociology. The subjects fascinated me and at last I was enjoying studying. I would have loved to take it further but, possibly for the first time in my life, lack of money prevented me. I was also working a few hours a week as bookeeper for a small nursery school. After my degree I tried unsuccessfully to find work in the social sector. In July 2000 I started work at Hill Road sixth form college as a clerical assistant to the estates and resources department. I had only been there a few weeks when I was diagnosed with breast cancer but they were very supportive and I managed my treatment well, so I didn t have to take too much time off. My treatment ended the following April but I continued to have medication and regular checkups until was signed off in May That was an unsettling experience. I realised I had seen the tablets and the check-ups as a kind of talisman, keeping me safe from a recurrence of the cancer so now I am getting used to being on my own and trying to take responsibility for my own health. In June 2010, the cancer returned, this time as secondaries, and I am undergoing further treatment. This does not yet have any significant impact on my life. My second major trauma was at the end of 2004, when my son Hugh almost 17 years old and being excited by the possibilities for his future, died unexpectedly of pneumonia, misdiagnosed as flu or as the doctor called it there s a lot of it about. There s not really a lot more that I can say except that I feel strongly that I want to live the rest of my life in the best way I can to honour his life and his memory. He touched so many people in loving, positive, life-affirming ways that I am proud to have helped him to become who he was.tim and I stopped being a couple in October 2006, but are still good friends. I didn t realise until I was responsible for my own life again just how much I had changed in order to fit in with him and with family life. I feel as if I took a deep breath then and realised I am a free agent and can do what I want. I realised that I need to return to the kind of life I had before the diversion which was Hugh and Tim (from which I gained a great deal but still...). I want to live and work collectively with others to make a life which is full and satisfying on many levels from the personal to the local to the broadly political/ spiritual aspects. Most of my life I have lived simply and cheaply, partly because I grew up with the post war makedo-and-mend and have never had materialistic goals and later because of my political inclinations. I have always cared more about people and ideas/ ideals than money and objects. I have often made my own clothes or bought from charity shops and seldom buy anything new if I can get second-hand. I baked my own bread and grew a considerable proportion of my own vegetables, sharing an allotment with two friends from I was a member of the local freecycle group and also the Cambridge LETS group. Page 3

4 What I do has always been more important than how much I earn. I don t think I have worked for a purely commercial organisation since I am looking forward to being able to develop these principles into helping to supply my own electricity and water! I studied counselling for three years, finishing with an advanced certificate just before I moved to Trelay and have discovered how to make more use of my good listener skills. I have also learnt a lot about myself, that I can be confident, in control of my feelings, assertive when necessary. I think that also comes with age. It has taken me a long time and I still have times of being unconfident, feeling unlovable. I hope that I am more self-aware and able to recognise and ask for what I need. I accept that everyone has a right to their own opinions on politics and religion as long as they are open to explaining and discussing them. I find it difficult to deal with people who think that their views are the right way for everyone (I had enough of that when I was growing up). I like cooking, especially with other people. I am quite imaginative I think. I hate housework though will do enough to be reasonably clean and tidy. I d rather do a big binge than a little every day. I love language. I do cryptic crosswords and I am quite good at writing essays and documents though it takes me a while to get started. I like music of all sorts (except too loud) and would like to start playing it again. I used to play guitar and started to learn folk fiddle but my teacher was too busy. I like having people round to share work, ideas, fun, hard times but also need space to be by myself sometimes. I increasingly need to be in open space near trees and the sea. It soothes my soul and gives me energy. I had holidays in west Cornwall every year from 1989 to 2004, so Trelay feels like home. 20 th December 2010 Page 4

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6 Page 6 Helen with her brothers, Martin and Robin, at Trelay in September Their elder brother Peter died three years before Helen.

7 Helen s Son, Hugh We are Xavier s parents. We would like to say that we have been immensely uplifted and helped by (most) of the messages posted here (and just to reassure people, not upset by the others - the world is full of jerks). We knew that Hugh (Xavier) was involved in halo modelling and had seen some of his mods and the low-gravity video, but we had no idea that he was such a well-liked and respected member of the community. I cannot say how lovely it is to discover new things about our son and to see how he touched so many people. In r/l Xavier was 16.8 yrs old and studying maths, physics, electronics and media studies at Hills Road Sixth-form College, Cambridge UK (in between modding). He wanted to study engineering, and hoped to go to Cambridge University. His grades were good enough and he would probably have made it. We had just come back from Christmas at his grandmother s a day early because he was rather ill with what was diagnosed as flu. We found him dead in his bed the next morning. He died peacefully. As there have been some medical issues discussed here I should let you know that it was viral pneumonia, not flu and that the medics are hard at work to try to discover the exact details. Maybe that can prevent this happening again to another family. If possible, we will be taking printouts of some of the messages here to his funeral service and will be telling people about the son called Xavier that I never knew I had, explaining what modding is and showing them his low-gravity video. So Xavier will be commemorated as well as Hugh which we think is right and proper. If anyone from this community lives near enough to Cambridge and wants to attend his funeral, which is on Saturday 8th January at 1pm, can they get in touch by . If anyone wants to send us private memories of Xavier, we would love to receive them. There have been some discussions of a memorial. We think that you should do what seems best to you. Whatever you do, can you let us know (and explain to us how to get access!). If you want a picture of Xavier for such a memorial we will be proud to provide one. Tim Bergel and Helen Pinder, January 2005 HE DIED?! Well, rest in peace Xavier. The cell shaded mods was one of the best mods on this site. It s sad to see a good modder go like that. Page 7

8 Some of Helen s Poems Helen wrote dozens of poems. Here are a few: SELF VERSUS OTHERS UNSPECIFIED 1971 I went away, searching for myself and happiness. It was all that mattered. I found loneliness and pain and despair. I was no-where. I was insignificant and powerless. My self was lost in crowds of other selves. I could not find myself. Stop. I don t matter any more. Other selves are searching too, finding loneliness and pain and despair. Talk to them. Sharing despair, we found we are nothing special. Others matter more than self. And I came back and found that I was part of others All selves are one, and share the loneliness and pain and despair. Tentatively, afraid, I reached out a hand from my soul And those who took it became part of myself. Surprising, that anyone should want to take that hand. Perhaps I have something to share. And so I will stay. I will try and share, and give. And if any soul needs a part of myself they are welcome to take it I hope they can make better use of it than I do. HIBERNATION Nov 1979 These November days hold winter in their clouds, the stars are sharp ice crystals. I hug the fire and you to keep warm. My brain is full of things I want to do my will is going into hibernation. WORDS ARE SO MUCH SAFER Apr 1979 We sat in a circle facing each other, tense challenging and defiant defending and attacking closed in our threatening territory. And then the trust broke through and as we relaxed the circle drew closer until we were all of us open listening caring receptive speaking from our hearts speaking to our souls sharing our very selves and my being filled with love for them I wanted to touch them all. I regret we were not close enough for that. Words are so much safer. WHITE PRINCE Oct 1980 Hollow, I am hollow, a shell of futility trying to impress the world with my capability and my self-reliance. But secretly I am waiting for a fairytale prince, white horse borne tall and proud and strong, to ask me to submit, to give me a reason, to fill up my hollow centre with warmth and passion, someone to reflect my feelings, to give them a purpose. But all the princes have soft centres and weaknesses like mine. There are no real fairytales. Will I never learn? Page 8

9 MY CHILD Sept 1981 My child, my little tyrant, shall you ever have enough? Three days you ve had of games and love and laughter but still you torment me by wanting more, still you stamp your feet and cry I won t, I want, and will not let me be. Don t you see you are ruining my life? Nobody has the patience to indulge you continually least of all me. But there is no reason in you. all is self and wanting and wanting. You push me to the edge of sanity and I want to kill you so that I can live. YELLOW BALLOON Jan 1981 Full moon yellow balloon smiling as you stir my soul with your light. You are not as innocuous as you look. You tear my being with your vacuous grin. You know very well as you hang there, pretending innocence that I am falling apart because of you. You steal my rationality plunder my plans and wreck my reason. But I know too. I have discovered your secret game and you cannot win any more. You can twist me but I will not break. You can torture me but I will not give in. Full moon yellow balloon I know you. HIDING PLACE June 1981 You are a hiding place When I need to be folded in gentleness to be caressed and made much of, when I need to feel special, to feel loved. You are an excuse to escape from everyday. With you I can lie in bed until afternoon, stroll in the market, sit in the park. I need you for this. But now I am afraid that you want more. There is no space for your reality in my everyday and I would ask too much. I have no time for your passivity - - it s hard enough to cope with my own. You can t have any of my strength - - I need it all, and more. I would try to make you be strong for me, I would try to make you assertive, decisive, instead of using my energy to develop those things in myself. Page 9

10 If you were to be part of my everyday I would do to you as I did to all the others - - I would try to make you into somebody else, somebody I think I need, I couldn t take you as you are and in the end you would run away, and once again I would have hurt us both. I can t afford such intimacy in my everyday, I don t know how to deal with it. Until I can learn, I want you to stay where you are, my occasional hiding place. UNREASON September 1981 You men I hate you all I don t want your reasonable suggestions You patronise me With your logic I am not reasonable I am not rational I am not logical and I don t know what I want. Helen s Sense of Humour! Unlikely second lines The grave s a fine and private place But ashes take up far less space Bliss was it in that dawn to be alive Struggling to catch the 7.45 Shall I compare thee to a summer s day? You fit the bill - cold, dimmish, wet and grey That is my last Duchess painted on the wall, Ignore those artist s boobs! She had none at all Break off, break off this last lamenting kiss, I m absolutely dying for a piss Stands the church clock at ten to three? Does no-one wind the thing but me? And did those feet in ancient time Ache as much as yours and mine? Typo The penis mightier than the sword Limericks A popular girl is Miss Cholmondeley She s youthful, attractive and colmondeley And never objects To suggestions of sex But simple cooperates dolmondeley Widow (conscious that time s on the wing) Fortyish but still game for a fling Seeks fun-loving male Mature, but not stale With a view to the usual thing Self-Evident Proverbs If there s no lead in your pencil you don t need a rubber Even nuns are screwed in their coffins Many hands make a tall horse A knowledge of Sanscrit is of little use to a man trapped in a sewer A new dishwasher cannot mend a broken heart but it will do the washing up Seek not cherry blossom on the plum tree Page 10

11 Helen s Life at Trelay Helen first visited Trelay March 2009 and moved in in She had been part of a group looking at cohousing in Cambridge, but was drawn to Cornwall having spent many happy family holidays in this part of the world. After her first Interest Weekend she soon made up her mind to move to Trelay, but decided to complete her counselling course in Cambridge first. Then she sold her house and moved. As an indication of what Helen herself thought about her new life at Trelay, we have included here pictures and articles from the Trelay quarterly newsletter known as Tree Layers. She wrote articles, submitted some of her poems from the past, and became the editor for several issues. From Tree Layers 11 Helen digging the flesh out of the biggest pumpkin we grew at Trelay, October 2009 When we created a selfcontained flat on the top floor of the main farmhouse, we had the stairs removed. The lounge /dining room seems twice as big! The plastering was done on Christmas Eve 2009, leaving an unsightly set of cables leading to the consumer unit. Helen, Jackie and Paul made a wooden box to cover the unit, and Tim decorated the end of the room beautifully. Right: before Below: after Page 11

12 January Left: Helen bird-watching near the Beak, just south of Crackington Haven Below: Helen helping to transport Auntie over to the farmhouse through the snow A Moving Experience I am excited about moving to Trelay, with a deep calm sense of the rightness of it. At the same time I am sad, almost disbelieving that I am leaving Cambridge after 28 years, 18 of them in the same house. I have at times found it impossible to reconcile these two, and impossible to imagine being able to go through all my physical possessions, deciding what to take, what to give away and what to throw away. I still have not faced up to the fact that I will be leaving so many good friends who have supported me at difficult times and shared happy, silly times too. They assure me I cannot escape, that they will visit me regularly to check up on me and find out about this place called Trelay that I am so enthusiastic about. I had just begun to make lists and sort out a few things when Jackie came to help me out, in a big white van instead of on a white horse, though it does feel as though I am being rescued from a swamp of impossibility. I have remembered that two people together can do much more work than one person working for twice the time, and it s much more enjoyable. We emptied out the garden sheds in the sunshine, choked in the dust in the loft, filled the house with boxes and bags of history as well as things I have collected in preparation for my new life. We have even found time for a walk in the Country Park and so heard the first chiffchaff of the year, a heart-lifting confirmation of Spring. We took a van-load of assorted bits and pieces to the recycling centre the modern version of the municipal tip, where there are huge skips with steps up to them, and labels according to contents. During the process of unloading, sorting and dumping the contents of the van I took a small bag containing garden chemicals to the Man and asked him what I should do with them. He replied, Just give them to me, thanks sweetheart. Page 12 Sweetheart? He s calling me sweetheart? Here we are, two good solid working women with a van, hauling and lifting and carrying, and he s calling me sweetheart? A few years ago I would have been angry, but now it was just hilariously funny. And also quite touching, because strangely I felt accepted, validated for what I am. Tomorrow we will load the van and Jackie will return to Trelay without me, which I can t think about. I so much want to come back with her, but I have to finish my college course, finish the sorting of stuff and sell the house before I can be there. Soon, it will be soon. by Helen, 24th March 2010

13 A Walk in a New Landscape May 2010, a month since I moved to Trelay, time to explore the neighbourhood. This is a new part of the country to me, so when Jackie and I went to Rough Tor on a sunny windy day I was not sure what to expect: Vast spaces of dry grassland with low plants, so many shades of gold/brown/ green/ yellow; Smooth grey rocks strewn in clusters or heaped in impossible piles on the top of steep slopes; Sharply defined rectangles of dark green conifer plantations, two blue artificial lakes in opposite directions, the result of human industry; Meadow pipit, stonechat, wheatear, cuckoo; Distance. Walking up the track of a stony dry stream to the Tor, turning back we could see the sea in the hazy distance. As we clambered and sat amongst the huge wind-smoothed rocks we talked about finding a place where we could see the sea in both directions, and then realised that we were standing at it! It took a while to decide to go onwards and complete a circular walk, rather than go back the way we came - it looked so far and I was out of practice at long walks. But the prospect of climbing Brown Willie was too good to miss. We put stones on the cairn at the windy summit and quickly came down to a more sheltered level. We had been hearing cuckoos all the time, and I had assumed they were in the plantations as I have only ever seen them amongst trees. Walking down a long, wide open grassy slope, Jackie suddenly said, I can see a cuckoo sitting on a fence post. There can t be, I said, cuckoos live in trees. Increasingly frustrated discussion continued for some time, and when I finally found in my binoculars the fence post Jackie was describing to me, there was the unmistakeable shape of a cuckoo! Sorry, Jackie! We looked at many different plants and grasses, climbed a barbed wire fence to cross a stony stream, listened to birdsong and I remembered how far I am capable of walking, but that distance travelled is the least important aspect of a walk. If anyone has a free day/ afternoon sometime I want to do more of this! by Helen Page 13

14 Our Rights Finally getting round to sorting out old papers, I found the following, copied probably in my early women s movement days (35 years ago!): OUR BASIC RIGHTS AS HUMAN BEINGS 1. I have the right to state my own needs and set my own priorities 2. I have the right to be treated with respect 3. I have the right to express my feelings 4. I have the right to express my opinions 5. I have the right to say yes or no without feeling guilty 6. I have the right to make mistakes 7. I have the right to change my mind 8. I have the right to say I don t understand 9. I have the right to ask for what I want 10. I have the right to be listened to and taken seriously 11. I have the right to ask for information 12. I have the right to be independent 13.I have the right to decline responsibility for other people s problems When I re-read it I remembered how powerful an impact it had on me when I first read it, and how it had helped me grow in independence. by Helen Helen is now part of the Trelay Tribe! Page 14

15 Summer 2010 Above left: Helen on a cliff walk at Highcliff above the Strangles, with Kathy and Jackie Above: Helen helping take the plants down to the new reedbed with Estelle, Tony and Roger Left: Helen grew a big squash! Crackington Haven - a watercolour by Helen Pinder Page 15

16 Winter 2010 Helen took on the job of editing the Trelay newsletter - an opportunity to make a front-page collage of her own photos. Tree Layers The newsletter of the Trelay Farm Eco Village Number 14 - December 2010 Trelay Farm, St Gennys, Bude, Cornwall, EX23 0NJ info@trelay.org Page 16

17 Editorial This is my first attempt at producing Tree Layers, and also the first time I have used the PageMaker software, which is VERY complicated! I would have finished by the end of December if I had not been overcome with a horrible cold and cough, which has filled my head with cement and my ears with cotton wool. I did some research into sunrise and sunset times around the solstice, as it always seems to take ages before the mornings get lighter. This is because sunrise actually goes on getting later by a couple of minutes until 31st December, and it is not until 9th January that it gets back to the time it was on 21st December. The lengthening day is all down to sunset getting later faster. by Helen Some Permaculture Principles: Maximise edge Make use of microclimates Encourage diversity Increase succession Everything gardens A Big Smile Inside When I moved to Trelay, nearly a year ago now, I was full of ideas and plans; intending to be fully involved in communal living, planning and decision-making; starting a business making clothes from recycled fabrics and cards from my own photographs; growing vegetables. I had a clear idea of how it would be. But it is not. Personal circumstances and Trelay itself have intervened, changing the way I perceive my contribution to the community and my place within it. I have been struggling for a few months now with the reality of life here, seeing exciting changes developing for Trelay but also becoming aware of my own limitations both practically and personally. Over the winter I went into hibernation, closing myself off and forgetting what it was that drew me here. I knew from my first visit that this was where I should be, but I lost touch with that certainty. Last month I unexpectedly spent three days in hospital, with no natural light, but no darkness either, no sight of greenery, inedible food. When I came home I walked around for days with a big smile inside, as I had on my early visits to Trelay, understanding that what I need is the natural world, the light, the trees, the sea, the sky, home-produced good food. Waking up to darkness and then birdsong. I don t even mind the rooster crowing outside my window at 7 am because this is home. And I realise that the people here are important to me, that I care for them and they care for me without my having to prove anything or be any particular way. I can spend time with them in any ways, and so I am coming to terms wit~doing things because I feel I have to but contributing when and how I can and knowing that is accepted. I suppose I am allowing myself to be accepted in the same way as I am trying to accept others, without judgement, and so accepting myself, and realising that Trelay has plans for us all which we cannot realise until we let go of our expectations and just simply live here with love and hope, and see what evolves. by Helen, from Tree Layers 15 Page 17

18 RIVER Secret river drawn by your singing I come to drink of your peace to sit with your spirit and be whole. Your wild white churning fall swirls to rest In the curve of the hill s belly and I sit near caressed by leaves shadow folded in the arms of trees and washed with your healing. I recently found a folder of poems I wrote between thirty and forty years ago. Some of them show how much I have changed emotionally since then, others are remarkably similar to the way I feel now, and I would like to share one of the latter. Helen Pinder, July 1981 Reflections on Community Living Everyone living at, or planning to live at, Trelay has recently been working on writing terms and conditions for our lease document which will be signed later this year. As part of that document, or as an accompaniment to it, there could be a list of expectations of the way Trelay works as a community and the behaviour of its members, which we would all agree to. There has been much discussion of what we want this document to contain, how we think we should explain ourselves, and almost as many opinions as there are people involved. I wrote this to try and express how I feel we should approach the task. For most of my adult life I have been involved in various kinds of co-operatives and collectives, mostly to do with housing and work, and also in the development of same. The most important thing I learned from this, as it relates to Trelay s development, is that it is at least as important for those involved to change the way they organise and take responsibility for their personal relationships and their day-to-day life as it is to change working practices, legal structures and relationship to the environment. The latter can be, need to be, written down in order to provide a basis for relating to the normal world in a serious manner, but personal and behavioural structures are open to negotiation dependent on who is involved, and can, should, change with circumstances. We now have a chance to develop a model of a pattern for relationship and behavioural structure as well as a legal and practical ones, to encourage individual responsibility and communication. Most people seem to expect rules so that they know how to behave without thinking about it too much. I agree that people wanting to find out about Trelay need their questions answered, but they do not all have the same questions so I think that to give them a huge list of rules or expectations would be counter-productive and make us seem too prescriptive. And we do not all have the same answers! If we are aiming to develop communication and relationships, as I hope we are, then we should realise that everyone has their own ideas of how they want to live their lives here and that these ideas will change not only over time but also depending on who is living here. As the membership changes, so will the needs and the relationships, so there should be flexibility and the opportunity for individual creativity in producing structures which are developed by the people using them at the time. What I think we could have now is guidelines for relationships and behaviour based on our covenant, if that is what everyone wants. We do not all necessarily want the same level of communality and it is important that is taken into account. There could be structures allowing for, say, weekly communal meals to take place, but no expectation that everyone should attend. And why should a family with three children be expected to share washing machines with 15 other people, with all the accompanying hassle of waiting for a free machine? It could be difficult for some of us to move away from a structured way of life, but the benefits for Trelay as a whole and for the example we are hoping to set of a different way to live could be enormous. Every individual s contribution, whatever form it takes, is valued for its uniqueness, every person is uniquely valuable, and communication is the vital core. Now I have to confess that it was very hard to write this without using we must and we have to and we should. Even using the word should feels rather prescriptive, but this is about an approach rather than particulars and I can t really think of another way to express it. Also I am pretty idealistic about this but am happy to be brought down to earth and look forward to sharing thoughts and ideas. by Helen Page 18

19 From Tree Layers 16 The Ten Sticks of Self Care A friend told me about a workshop she had attended which included a presentation of the Ten Sticks of Self Care, which are: 1. I am learning that I am the most unique and special manifestation of creation 2. I am learning to appreciate all that I am and have 3. I am learning to approach life with optimism and trust 4. I am learning to set new and interesting goals for myself 5. I am learning to live each day as if it is my last 6. I am learning to adapt to the changes in my life 7. I am learning to deepen the love of myself 8. I am learning that life is perfect and to avoid being a perfectionist 9. I am learning to laugh with life 10. I am learning to understand the other I do not necessarily agree with all of these, but the one which gave me most cause for thought was: I am learning to live each day as if it is my last. Many people seem to take these words to mean I must do as much as possible every day or I must not leave anything unfinished at the end of the day, and I have never been able to accept that view of life, having been a generally idle person for most of my life. So I thought about what living each day as if it is my last meant to me, and I thought about how my life is now, and how I would like my last day to be. I think the most important thing would be to appreciate what is going on around me, to be conscious of my self in relation to the place I am in and the people I am with, to do things which are positive and do no harm. I think that this is the opposite of the doing and finishing approach, which does not give space to feeling and experiencing and creativity. PS The Ten Sticks were placed on the ground, one for each point, by the presenter and at the end they had formed the shape of a dragonfly. I don t know what significance she attached to it, but suspect it is to do with all life, whatever form it takes and however long it lasts, having beauty. Helen s Vision for Trelay By Helen Openness, honesty, acceptance of difference. From each according to their abilties, to each according to their needs. Equality, trust, communication. Acceptance / trust that everyone will be committed to suporting Trelay in the best way they can. No expectation that everyone will do everything. A stable core community with space for long / short term temporary members - flexiblity. Development of self-sustaining businesses and enterprises to earn enough money - hope that a time will come when no-one needs to go out to work unless they want to, and no need to rely on investment from members. Page 19

20 developed during those years. Art at the Eden Project I recently visited the Eden Project for the second time, the first being just after it opened ten years ago? I was curious to see how it had changed and There are many more plants and trees now, and those that were there at the start are now more tall and dense, so there is a feeling of being in a bowl full of plants. I took a lot of photos of the plants, but was actually more interested in the art works that have been created out of natural materials and also out of junk. Some are bold and unmissable, like the giant figure made of old electronic equipment, but there are many small, subtle pieces that are easy to miss. A retaining wall along a path had niches in it which contained sculptures relating to the plants in the bed behind and above it. I loved the simple cubes of weathered wood alongside another path acting as seats, and the three-dimensional fence made out of stretched rope functional and beautiful at the same time. And I wonder if Trelay could have some branch-pigs around the place as well as the living ones? By Helen Page 20

21 Tree Layers The newsletter of the Trelay Cohousing Community Number 17 - December 2011 WISHING YOU ALL A HAPPY NEW YEAR Trelay Farm, St Gennys, Bude, Cornwall, EX23 0NJ info@trelay.org Page 21

22 EDITORIAL Christmas seems to have come upon us quite suddenly this year. We have had autumnal weather for longer than should be usual; wet and windy interspersed with sometimes several days of sunshine, and no real cold yet. We have not had proper autumn colours either - as soon as the leaves started to turn they were blown off in gales and suddenly we have bare branches. The stove in the lounge has been out of action until very recently, so the room has not been much used except for meals which were often eaten quite quickly, and sometimes with coats on. Now the stove is fixed (thanks, Tim!) we can sit round the table after dinner and talk, and our new younger residents can play there in comfort - and safety, as we have recently bought a large and sturdy fireguard. I have felt since I first visited Trelay that this was where I belonged, not because of the community so much as the place itself, the spirit of the land, you could say. I have recently discovered that many people feel the same, even those who decide that the community is not for them. This strong sense of place can only be a positive contribution to the building of the vision for Trelay. Helen By Oriah Mountain Dreaming, from the Invitation submitted by both Helen & Karen It doesn t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart s longing. It doesn t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children. It doesn t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back. It doesn t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away. I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments. Page 22 Ralph & Helen on a wild & windy walk at the Strangles on Christmas Day Trelay Covenant: I aim to live by the Trelay Community Values. I am committed to developing and adapting as the community develops. Trelay Community Values (by which we measure ourselves) Freedom and respect We believe in personal freedom, and as we exercise our freedom, we show respect to each other, our land, plants, animals and buildings, and to the Earth. We are committed to supportive processes for resolving any conflicts. Love, care, consideration and community We care about all the people at Trelay. We welcome diversity, empowerment and a sense of belonging. We are learning how to help, support and nurture each other. Looking after and communicating consistently and completely with each other is more important than anything else. We believe in decision making based on consensus. We are committed to living and working together as a community and to regularly reviewing and celebrating our shared vision. Wise use of money The financial security of the Trelay community is key and we are committed to consider this in any of our actions. Our vision is to create an environment that is well maintained and used. We believe expenditure should be with consideration of the wishes, needs and thoughts of all other community members and with transparency. We will use capital loans, gifts or grants in order to make Trelay more sustainable. We believe in the development of sustainable projects and businesses to earn us a secure income but at the same time we don t think money is the most important ingredient of happiness. Sustainability We aim to live more lightly on the Earth, but we recognise that we can only do our best in an imperfect world. We expect to gently change our habits of a lifetime, not to abandon the world as it is. We wish to learn and pass on learning. We appreciate that we are part of a larger community in North Cornwall and we will play our part in developing local sustainability. Balance We believe in a healthy balance between work and leisure and will support each other in achieving this. Excellence We aim for everything to be done as well as possible so that Trelay will always be a well-cared for and beautiful place. Updated by Helen Pinder, Kathy McDonnell and Roger Wade, October 2010

23 WHAT SORT OF PEOPLE LIVE AT TRELAY I have been thinking recently about similarities and differences between the people who live at Trelay, and partly from my own observations and partly from the Who Am I? documents which most of us have written, the following points arise: - we all seem to have had many changes of place and direction in our lives, usually moving towards a more ecologically and emotionally sustainable way of life - we are keen to learn new skills and to share and develop those we already have - we have a love of the outdoors and of plants and/or animals - many of us consider ourselves to be good listeners - most of us consider ourselves to be open to other people s ideas of philosophy/spirituality and understand the importance of developing self-awareness but also: - we all have different priorities in our individual levels of green-awareness - some of us are self-motivated planners and decision-makers - some of us work best in a team, sharing responsibility - some of us like to do heavy physical work - some of us prefer to work in a small-scale, more detailed way - some are skilled in interpreting and analysing ideas - some are good at arguing a case - some find it difficult to ask for what they need For me the most important point is that, whilst our basic aims are the same, we need all these different approaches, this range of skills and personalities, in order to sustain a healthy and growing community which is based on the common values of sustainability, learning/teaching, listening to each other and developing self-awareness. by Helen I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid! Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. And I awlyas thuohgt slpeling was ipmotrant! Page 23

24 A VIEW FROM MY ROCKING CHAIR Now that the trees beyond the chicken house have lost their leaves I can see clouds through their branches. The clouds here are a constant delight to me after nearly thirty years living in the flat lands of East Anglia. There, clouds are all the same at any one time, but here there are many different sorts of clouds all at once, and constantly changing. I do know the names of some clouds cirrus, cumulus, cumulo-stratus etcetera but remembering which is which and what weather they relate to would spoil the sheer joy of just watching them. There are long smooth streaks as though painted with one long sweep of a brush; lines of fuzzy blobs; herds of flat-bottomed clouds with puffy tops; columns, like rolls of cotton wool standing on end all of these (and more!) can often be seen at the same time, and always moving, shape-shifting. And I must not forget the solid dark grey rain clouds a common sight, but quite stunning when the trees in front of them are lit bright silver in sunshine. stop being afraid and just try it. Who knows, it may work. Now that the sun sets before bedtime I have the added delight of a colour display as well. Yesterday at four in the afternoon I was sitting in my rocking chair looking out across the yard, and noticed the clouds through the trees beyond the chicken house. The sky was pale duck-egg blue, and the clouds lavender grey with pale apricot highlights where the sun was shining through the edges. I would have taken a photograph, but I know from experience that those subtle colours are not picked up by the camera, there is not enough light. Previous attempts have come out looking like an old bruise brownish purple with smoked salmon coloured edges, not very attractive! I wish I had the courage to get out my watercolours and try to reproduce the subtlety of the clouds in all their forms and colours. Maybe one day I will decide to So if you see me standing in the farmyard, or by the polytunnel, or at the side of the road looking upwards, you will now know why. by Helen, Wednesday 23 November 2011 Page 24

25 Holywell Bay On 7th of October, Helen and I went to explore a beach not far south of Newquay (about 40 miles south of Trelay) where we have never been before. It was called Holywell Bay, and the scenery was stunning. The bay was approached via a giant sand-dune, hard to walk up, feet slipping in the soft sand, that separated the beach from the village. We walked along the shore-line and found many more shells than we would usually expect to find on a Cornish beach. Then we came across a rectangular blue plastic crate covered with goose barnacles. These barnacles, which are around 4 cm in length, attach themselves to ships hulls and other floating objects. In medieval times, they were thought to be the eggs of the barnacle goose. The barnacles were alive but it was impossible to return the crate to the sea. Walking to the end of the beach we went in a cave, then we admired patterns on the sand where the waves had swirled wet sand into shapes on the dry sand. Walking back towards the setting sun, we felt delighted to have found yet another lovely spot on this wild and wonderful coast. by Jackie MEMORY Coming home from a windy walk, My pocket full of shells and My shoes full of sand Are reminders of: A vast sandy beach; The wind off the sea Bringing fierce pounding waves, With foaming edges that leave Lace-edged patterns On the sand; A piece of wood Brought in by the sea Edged with alien creatures, Goose barnacles; A long walk, fighting the wind, To the cave In the cliff, low and deep With footprints of rock pipits In the sandy floor; Rocks rough and contorted Not smoothed by waves, Reminders of primeval forces Beyond imagination. These words will take me Back to that beach Every time I read them. by Helen Page 25

26 Tree Layers The newsletter of thetrelay Cohousing Community Number 19 June 2012 Picture collage by Helen Pinder Page 26

27 EDITORIAL This newsletter is longer than usual, because it covers much of the previous six months. The previous issue was dedicated to LEAF and focused on that project alone, which took up much of our time during January, February and March. Now everyone is busy with holiday lets, tidying up the site, growing vegetables and preparing to go away. The weather has been only occasionally appropriate for the time of year, and we have had very heavy rain with strong, gusty winds so work out-of-doors has been limited. There has been lots of brain work - applying for planning permission for changes to buildings and organising a new legal structure for our housing (Trelay Home Ownership or THO) which will give greater financial security to individuals and more capital for SWESE (Trelay) Ltd. We did manage to have a beautiful sunny day for our Jubilee party. But our slugs are huge! by Helen and Jackie, joint editors The View from my Rocking Chair These are some of my recent wild doorstep visitors, photos taken from inside my living room. I don t put food out for them; these are my wild neighbours, sharing my space. House sparrows perching on my watering-can or bench; gold-finches eating weed-seeds; a vole right by the glass of my door. by Helen Page 27

28 Left: Helen, her friend Hilary from Cambridge, Jackie and Roger won the Dizzard quiz this year Right: Helen wore her colourful trousers to the Queen s Jubilee party at Trelay Left: Most of the Trelay tribe at Crackington beach (except the children who were too sensible to go on the beach in the rain). This was on the occasion of a weekend at which existing members and new investors met to discuss our new Trelay Mutual Home Ownership idea in detail. Right: The Trelay cohousing community enjoying a party in the garden on one of the few warm days of summer. It was Roger s birthday and we d made him a cake. Helen Page 28

29 Not quite a poem Mull the English word means to ponder, to contemplate. The island lends itself to this. Primeval mountains and boulders, wide glacial valleys, hold timeless tranquillity and the ever-changing but constant sea is always in sight and mind. Life is slow and people friendly helpful, happy to stop and talk about their beautiful home. The sheep on the road just move to the side and continue to graze as we drive past. Longhaired longhorned cows just stop and look, immobile, unafraid, unthreatening. I have no phone, no computer, no TV. I look, and feel, and think, absorbing the spirit of the place, the rightness of my life, the tranquillity, and I am filled with a soft glow of peaceful happiness. P.S. And I saw a white-tailed sea eagle! And a red squirrel! by Helen, October 2012 COMMUNICATION GATHERINGS During the summer I was aware that there was a lot of emotional tension around Trelay, but that people were generally not talking about their feelings to the people they felt were responsible for their frustration, anger or stress but to others who they felt safe with. This seemed to be not only unproductive but also perpetuating the negativity, so I called a Communication Gathering (absolutely NOT a Meeting!) one evening in the Games Room a comfortable space to relax in, and asked Kathy to help me facilitate the evening. We both have experience of counselling in different environments, so felt that we could keep the group safe and on track. Everyone who was on site came. We began by going round the circle saying a few words about how we were feeling at that moment, and then gave anyone who wanted to the chance to express anything they wanted to share. It was, as I would expect from the first session, quite low-key, but surprisingly positive, and I think everyone appreciated the chance to be together and talk about our feelings, dreams and frustrations rather than business. We all thought it would be a very good idea if the gatherings continued, so they have been happening every Thursday evening since. There is no obligation to attend, but most people do come most weeks. As the gatherings continued it became clear to me and to Kathy that we were stagnating somewhat, and that if they were to continue to be useful we needed to express our feelings in greater depth and intensity, and learn to deal with any consequences. This would mean challenging people to explore the hidden meanings possibly influencing their feelings, but I have not had experience of working with groups in this way and also we did not feel it was appropriate as we are part of the group as well as facilitating it. We intend to continue the gatherings as they are, and are currently considering bringing in an outsider to help us with deeper exploration, as we feel that this kind of communication would be of great benefit to the cohesion of the community as a whole as well as to the individuals who are part of it. by Helen Page 29

30 The Original Cornish Flag I have developed the theory that the Cornish Flag started out looking like this and was only changed to the rectangular version with the advent of mass-production and printing. Look around you, see if you agree! by Helen Cage I built myself a cage to live in and sat in a corner wondering why I couldn t why I didn t why I wasn t wanting to reach out to the people outside the bars. I called to them but a sign said Beware so they kept away. It only took one brave soul who reached through the bars and touched me. Now I am taking the bars away and soon I won t need the cage any more. I am starting to reach out towards other cages where the signs saying Beware are as untrue as mine. Helen Pinder October 1980 Helen (right) on Mull with Jackie Page 30

31 The Trelay Ley Line(s)? On some old maps, Trelay is spelt Tre-Ley, and we wondered when we came here if there were any ley lines across our property. A ley line is an energy meridian of the Earth. They are interesting because scientists can t locate or measure them, so it is easy to claim that they don t exist. But many people (including scientists!) can feel them, or detect them with dowsing rods, so there is something going on. Christine has done some ley line mapping, and several of us have, independently, identified the top of Undertown (our largest meadow) as a special spot. This is the place where we started to build a meditation room the first year we were here, although the straw bales were not of sufficiently good quality so it had to be taken down. But the base remains. Near the base, we erected a small henge earlier this year, seen left with Immy. Then in July we were visited by Lisa, who is really sensitive to the energies of the Earth. Without us telling her about the location of our special spot, she found herself shaking and trembling quite violently when she was up in Undertown cutting down the nettles. So the next morning, she took a few of us up there to experience the feeling of the ley line. As we went along, the rain started gently at first. Then as Lisa began to chant, the heavens opened. We all joined in and the more we chanted, the harder it rained. It was a strange and interesting experience, just standing there in heavy rain, instead of following our usual habit of running for shelter. Memorable. by Jackie All shall be well and All manner of thing shall be well Page 31

32 Gifts from the Sea Millook Haven is a pebble beach for most of the tide though there is some sand at very low water. The cliffs behind the beach have impressive zigzag folding patterns formed 320 million years ago. The rocks are part of the Crackington Formation, thin layers of sandstones and shales, deformed by the tectonic plate collision at the end of the Carboniferous period that crumpled the earth s crust giving rise to the tors of Bodmin Moor. This dramatic stony beach offers a different feel from the sand and surf beaches nearby. It is good for watching the waves and observing wildlife, which includes peregrines, sea birds, the occasional seal, or, if you are really lucky, a glimpse of a dolphin. It is also one of the beaches locally which receives much flotsam and jetsam from the sea. This is mostly seen as a problem and there is a local group of people who clean the plastic, old rope and other undesirable items on a regular basis. The owner of the house by the beach also spends a considerable amount of time clearing the beach. The National Trust do beach clear-up days at other local beaches including the Trelay favourite The Strangles. Sometimes what is washed up is interesting, useful or both. We have collected driftwood from beaches for Christmas decorations and had several ideas for creating craft items from this bounty. But one day in December our new man on the farm (Cadno), who takes a particular interest in such things, reported that a considerable load of wood had been Helen collecting driftwood washed up on the Millook beach. We took two vehicles and five people (Helen, Charlotte, Jackie, Cadno and Roger) down to the beach and found a large quantity of clean wood: mostly 2 inches by 1 inch (when are we going decimal?). We spent an hour or so collecting the wood and stacked it in Cadno and Roger s motors prior to our return to Trelay. It was bracing and fun. by Roger January 2013 Page 32

33 A VIEW FROM THE ROCKING CHAIR Living with dying I started writing this in April this year (2013) when I moved from my flat on the farmyard to a wooden cabin surrounded by greenery and became calmer and more ready to think and write about my personal journey since I came to Trelay three years before. So now it is the beginning of September, I have gathered together the random selection of notes from three different notebooks, and am ready to tell the story of astonishing changes. I came to Trelay with a strong feeling of coming home, and looking forward to living in a community again after five years living alone, looking forward to spending the rest of my life working out of doors, being creative and in touch with the elements and the seasons. But there were clearly other plans for me, as in June that year (2010) a small lump on my neck was diagnosed as secondary breast cancer. Ten years after the primary, which had the full range of treatment chemotherapy, radical mastectomy, radiotherapy, hormone tablets I thought I was clear of it, but now I had small tumours in my lymph nodes, lungs, bones and liver. I had to rethink my priorities as the cancer and its treatment became the focus of my attention. I also had to consider whether to stay at Trelay or return to Cambridge, where I had close friends, shops within walking distance, hospital a short bus-ride away. But when I asked, everyone at Trelay said they wanted me to stay, which made me feel loved and secure. I have never been good at dealing with the unknown or unexpected, so invisible and painless tumours were a challenge it was very difficult having to wait for the results of scans to find out how treatment was working. I also had to come to terms with having much less energy for physical work and a greater need for practical and emotional support. I would have to learn to accept help gracefully, and to live with what is, not what might have been. Three months of hormone-suppressing tablets had no effect so I started on chemotherapy, having decided that I wanted to have conventional treatment and live as long as I could. I got used to the consultant having no answers to what if or how long questions, but the long journeys to Truro for chemotherapy were almost as exhausting as the treatment itself. I thought seriously again about moving back to Cambridge, but I couldn t leave the sea and the stars, the trees and the ever-changing clouds. I couldn t leave the people, either my family now. Helen s new housemate, Fidget. Sometimes he helps her to relax and sometimes he drives her up the wall! I went for a weekend to the Penny Brohn Centre in Bristol to learn about diet, exercise & meditation, and to meet others who were trying to find ways of living with cancer some very inspirational, positive people. I started seeing a counsellor locally so that I had a space to let out feelings I couldn t share with anyone else. Both of these, and also some inspirational reading, helped me to find ways of dealing with the doubts and fears. Page 33

34 I had some good conversations with Jackie about working with what is, not what might have been, and she lent me the book that has been the greatest help to me, The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. I have spent so much of my life trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to work out what other people want from me that it is very difficult to think about what I need without feeling selfish or guilty. This, I think, has been the most important journey this illness has taken me on to learn to live with what is, not what might have been, and to live in the present. Having been told for much of my childhood that I was selfish, I am at last learning that it is OK to say No, I don t want to do that just now, and that somehow this frees me to say Yes, I will do that now, because I want to not because I feel I should. It means that when I have been weary and brainless from the side-effects of chemotherapy I can sit in front of the TV for hours without feeling guilty or that I should be doing something else! I am also learning to ask for help if I need it, and learning that people actually want to help if they know what I need. So I have to think about what I need help with, and ask. This can still be difficult! I also have to learn to gracefully accept help that I have not asked for, or that may be not quite what I would have chosen to understand that the act of giving is more important than what is given - and to allow people to say No, I can t/don t want to do that without feeling hurt. I think, though sometimes it feels very arrogant, that I am giving people the opportunity to see what it is like to live with dying, that it is not as scary as they may think, so the learning is not only one-way. I hope I don t scare too many visitors by being so open about my illness, or making jokes about it! I have recently decided, having had a chemo holiday for three months, that I don t want to have any more, as I don t want to live the half-life of the side-effects. I have enjoyed so much having a brain that works, so to me it makes much more sense to live a shorter but more involved life, being part of community life and decision-making, than to live longer but with no enthusiasm or brain-power. Since I made that decision I have had some bouts of quite bad pain, but that seems to be controllable so there is no reason to change my decision. I will be having some hormone-suppressing injections, which may keep the tumours under control for a while longer, so I will have the opportunity to continue to work on my emotional and spiritual development and have some useful input into the community. I have spent some time this summer noting butterfly sightings around the Trelay site, but particularly on the buddleia bush outside my bedroom. I completed a 10-minute report of sightings for the Butterfly Conservation Trust. This has been a strangely exciting and satisfying activity for me but may also be of wider use for future surveys and even county-wide studies. I wouldn t have done this if I had been out harvesting vegetables or digging weeds! I just found a list I wrote at some point along the journey, which I shall pin up somewhere to remind me: - Messages from childhood are no longer appropriate - It is OK to ask for help - People want to help when they can, they just need asking - When feeling low, make an effort to go out and find someone to talk to, do not wallow - You find yourself by coming into the present by Helen Pinder The Power of Now Those who have not found their true wealth, which is the radiant joy of Being and the deep, unshakable peace that comes with it, are beggars, even if they have great material wealth. They are looking outside for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, security, or love, while they have a treasure within that not only includes all these things but is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer. Chapter 1, Page 9, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle There is nothing wrong with striving to improve your life situation. You can improve your life situation, but you cannot improve your life. Life is primary. Life is your deepest inner being. It is already whole, complete, and perfect. There is nothing wrong with setting goals and striving to achieve things. The mistake lies in using it as a substitute for the feeling of life, for being. Chapter 4, Page 71, The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle Page 34

35 Helen s drawing of emotions Almost all Trelayers were in this picture taken at Helen s birthday in June Esther Lizzie James Bethan Roger Chris Margot Olly Helen Marie... but Jackie was taking the picture, Ash was in the kitchen, and Mike and Andy were on child-care duty Danny Benoit Page 35

36 Helen s Last Year 2014 Above: Helen had always found Christmas a very difficult time since her son Hugh died on 27th December But in 2013 she came over to the Farmhouse, joined in, laughed, and won Trivial Pursuit dramatically on her last Christmas Day. Early in the spring, Helen was part of the rescue team that saved many tadpoles that had hatched out in puddles in the ponies field. John Bannister and his grandchildren led the way, and the tadpoles were taken to the lovely widlife pond at Trelay, which Helen had created. Page 36

37 Two German girls visited at Easter: Sanna and her sister Leah. Helen usually preferred to eat by herself, but she joined us in the Trelay Farmhouse for a meal and we went for a trip to Padstow. Helen spent many hours hand-painting the wonderful new Trelay sign, which everyone sees as they enter Trelay. She worked hard and had it done in time for Trelay-in-May, at the end of May When the Trelay-in-May barn dance was on, Helen was feeling grumpy and didn t want to join in. But Margot enticed her over with a gin, and we all remember how Helen danced and laughed! It was wonderful when Helen won first prize for her knitting in the craft section of the St Gennys Horticultural Show in July Page 37

38 At our summer solstice celebrations on the 22nd June (Helen s birthday) we had a lovely time making flower garlands together. Jackie and Helen had a long walk near Polzeath on the 28th August. This was after Helen had given up all cancer drugs because they were no longer working. Helen has a slight sensation of the cancer in her liver but no pain, and she really enjoyed the walk. We had no idea at the time that it was to be her last long walk. On the 3rd October the weather was warm and a group of Trelay people had a mad swim in the sea. We are so glad Helen came! She said felt so spiritually refreshed. She certainly didn t seem very ill, yet this was only 4 weeks before she died. Page 38

39 Helen s Death These are words from the messages the Jackie sent out on Facebook and by at the time that Helen was dying Thursday 28 th October 2014 Many of Helen s friends will be wondering how she is, knowing she has had over four years of rewarding life since her cancer returned. Most of you will have been told by Helen in August that her medication had reached the limit of what it could do to hold the cancer back, and her care had been handed over from the specialist in Truro to her local GP. She has had a pleasant autumn, paddling in the sea and enjoying local outings. Until last Wednesday she was independent, cooking her own food and looking after herself. She was getting a little weaker and could no longer take the bus into Bude, but when she had a lift in, she was doing her own shopping and being determined to do her own tasks. There was a change last week; quite suddenly she seemed tired and weak, and one day she accepted help with small tasks like taking out her rubbish. Since then she has faded very fast. Over the weekend, we were not sure if she was having an off-day and would be better this week, and neither was she. By Monday it seemed she was in a dramatic decline. We talked to her about this being the last stretch, and at first she couldn t believe it, but by today, she has accepted what is happening, and has asked me to let her Facebook friends know. So, Helen is in the final end-of-life phase, although no-one knows how long this phase will go on for. It might be less than a week. Ali, the end-of-life nurse, came yesterday and arranged for the doctor and district nurse team to visit today. We have now arranged a rota for Trelay people to care for her. One of us will go in four times a day. She is no longer eating anything very much at all, and prefers plain water. She loves the warmth of human company and appreciates a smile, a squeeze of the hand, and word of gratitude for all she has done for Trelay. She doesn t want too much chatter or noise, and short visits are better than long. The advice from the nurse was that, if you wish to visit her, visit sooner rather than later. Or perhaps you d like to light a candle for her, or hold her in your thoughts. She is calm, content and smiling, but very weak and low in energy. She was slightly incoherent in her speech this morning. Mercifully she has almost no pain, just a small ache in her back. Sharing the journey to Helen s death is quite an experience for us all at Trelay, and for her friends and relations who are distant. Hope you are all OK. Death causes all kinds of emotional upwellings, fears and insecurities in us all. Let s all care for each other. Friday 31st October Helen is fading gently and peacefully. Our four-times-a-day rota has now become constant attendance. (There are over 20 adults in the Trelay Cohousing Community, so there are plenty of volunteers.) We are love Helen very much and are grateful for all she has done for us in the five years since she first visited us, moving in to our community four years ago. Page 39

40 Yesterday several people went up to our lovely sea-view field and decorated the roundhouse known as Helen s Hut (which was built through Helen s inspiration) with flowers and shells. We took pictures and showed Helen and she was delighted. We had hoped to take her up there, but she was too weak in body, yet we feel her spirit will be linked to the Hut for ever. Margot and I have also been reading out the many Facebook and messages to her. She is so happy, feeling so full of love! Her consciousness is changing quite fast, and she is half asleep much of the time, and not really alert when she is awake. But her sense of humour is strong and she has been telling us how lovely and comfortable she is. There was a humorous moment when I went in to see her first thing this morning. She was sitting on the edge of her bed, and I sat next to her and asked her if she wanted anything. She was silent for quite a while, then she said, I want a gorilla! I managed not to laugh out loud, and sat and thought, patiently. Maybe she was remembering a soft toy from long ago? So I asked her if she d like a stuffed dog to cuddle, and she said yes. I fetched the toy and she cuddled it all day long. You can see it in the picture on the previous page. If you d like to picture her, she is in her log cabin, laying back in a reclining chair in the sunshine. She can look out of her window and see the goldfinches and other birds on the birdfeeder. She has her favourite pictures of Hugh by her side. Friends are on hand to give her sips of water, a warm face-cloth, an occasional commode event, and many hugs, kisses and gentle holding of her hands. I looked at her, and she was completely relaxed, accepting being cared for, smiling, all her grumpiness seemingly gone. She said, This is lovely! We have talked about the fact that her death may be in a couple of days and that her spirit will fly, and she is full of acceptance of her death. It is a beautiful dying. Helen was intelligent and lucid all day until towards the end of the afternoon, when she started to find it difficult to say words. She was feeling extreme fatigue though, and could hardly move without help. She shuffled all the way from her bed to her chair in the sitting room in the morning, using a zimmer frame, but we had to take her back to bed in a wheelchair. Most of the day she was sitting in her chair in the sunshine, looking at the trees and birds through the window. A lovely moment occurred when three Trelay children came in and each in turn held her hand and gazed up into her face, saying nothing. Thanks to everyone for all your wonderful messages. We have passed every message on to Helen, and she is dying knowing she is loved by a great many people. Saturday 1st November Last night (31st October) I stayed the night with Helen, and I slept quite well after I had settled her down. She didn t wake me up, so I think she slept well too. This morning I went in to find her deeply asleep, breathing very steadily and quite shallowly. She seems close to death. We don t think she will wake up again, but she may be able to hear us, so we are whispering words of love and support. She has an expression of beautiful calmness and contentment on her face. We have lit a candle by the bed, and her home has an atmosphere of love and peace. There is quite a team of us keeping a vigil, and it feels as if each of Helen s breaths is hanging on a thread, but she may be in this state for quite a time; we don t know. Helen remained apparently unconscious all day, but I think there were glimmers of understanding because when I sat next to her and whispered words of comfort to her, her eyelids flickered and her breathing increased in speed, so I think she heard me. During the day Tim, her former partner, arrived, having flown over from France to say farewell. Two of her brother s children visited too, (Lorna with her husband Steve and Kelvin who had encouraged Helen to do a photograph a day project) and it was really lovely to have family members at her bedside. Margot will be on night duty tonight. Page 40

41 Sunday 2nd November Helen died peacefully last night (at on 1st November). The expression on her face is beautiful: she looks really pleased with herself! And well she might. She managed the cancer and death very well indeed. Her body is surrounded by candles and flowers, and there is a sense of lightness and happiness in her log cabin. Of course losing her is very sad, but the manner of the death could not have been better. It was just how she wished it to be. A doctor came on Sunday to certify absence of life. I said to him that I had not seen many dead bodies but this was the most lovely one I had ever seen, with such a wonderful expression of calm and happiness. And he said he had seen hundreds of dead bodies, but this was the most lovely one he had ever seen too! Monday 3rd November We have decided to hold Helen s burial ceremony on Wednesday 5th November. Everyone who wishes to come is welcome - please don t wait for a personal invitation. Margot will lead a ceremony in and around Helen s Hut up in our field. There will be an opportunity for you to speak a few words, give a short reading or recite a poem. Then we shall have the burial, followed by a wake with refreshments back at the Farmhouse. If you can t come and would like to send us a message to read out or to display on the wall, please send us your message. If you do come, please wear boots and bring waterproofs or a brolly if it looks as though there will be showers. We think the most appropriate flowers will be small sprigs of wild flowers or flowers from your garden, or small potted plants that can be put by Helen s Hut. You can bring tokens to put in the niches of Helen s Hut (anything you think is special, from a feather to a tiny pottery ornament or a piece of coloured glass). The reason for going ahead with the burial so soon is that we want to keep Helen s body here, not move it around. (She died here and is being buried here, in the spot of her own choosing.) Her immediate family can manage this, but many other people will not be able to make it because of the short notice, so we will hold a memorial celebration for her later on. Of course, we checked to make sure the burial is correct and legal, and were delighted that all the professionals we have talked to have been very supportive. Wednesday 5th November On Sunday the members of the Trelay community came together at Helen s Hut for a short ceremony in the afternoon to recognise her passing. On Monday we spent time washing her body and tidying up after the week of caring for her in her log cabin. We also rested because we know that caring for the carers is important. On Tuesday I went off to collect the death certificate and I had to smile because computer system just would not work, and the registrar had to issue a very rare hand-written death certificate. (One of Helen s hobbies was calligraphy - beautiful handwriting!) Then I collected the hand-made coffin and came back to Trelay to find that Helen s brothers, Robin and Martin, had arrived, together with other lovely friends. This morning, Robin, Martin and several Trelay people are working out the technical details of how to carry the coffin to the grave and how to lower it into the grave. Meanwhile, a team of people is in the kitchen preparing delicious food; others are preparing candles and flowers; Margot is collating tributes, poems and lovely words for the ceremony; and I have been scanning in photos and preparing the dozens of messages we have received ready to print out and mount on the walls. There is an atmosphere is quiet business and cooperative energy; of acceptance and peace; of love and compassion. Helen has brought us all together in a spirit of love, and is linking us to so many people across the world. Thank you Helen Page 41

42 Messages for Helen just before she died From Jen Dear Helen, I am sitting in a hot and steamy Brisbane thinking of you in Trelay, smiling and transitioning surrounded by the beautiful love and care of all your friends close by you. I am thinking of you and your cheeky sense of humour, your twinkling alert eyes, your love of birds and all nature and passionate knitting and making. Your hut looks very peaceful and sweet and brimming with heart. We have lit a candle for you send you our love and subtropical peace punctuated with parrots and cockatoos, currawongs and rosellas (maybe not so peaceful then!). Noah is away on a remote beach with his friends this weekend and sending you his prayers via the ether, with hints of the vast, blue Pacific Ocean with long rolling waves and soft sands. We love you. Jen, Mike and Noah XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX From Steve Bergel We have received your Facebook messages, and in the past had updates from Helen and Mum when there was news to spread and it looks like sadly we are getting to final chapters. We never really knew Helen that well, meeting infrequently, Christmas, Easter and maybe in between and with everyone having young families all were busy, and meaningful conversations hard to have. Though in less stressful times she was always interesting and fun company. I suppose you really get to know people by the way they deal with adversity and Helen has had that in spades and I have always really admired the way she has dealt with it all at least outwardly, as I am sure internally sadness consumes. One of my 3 brothers has a very spiritual attitude to death and we all have ways of dealing with our own and our loved ones futures, I tend to feel great sorrow, and wonder at the strength to deal, daily with the emotions that surface, but also the hole left to those who cared for and loved the departing. We live in France and have done so for many years and are lucky enough to have 2 of my brothers over here and also my Father in the area, and we always believe that the passing of Hugh was one, if not the catalyst that spurred us to make the move sooner rather than later. As a result we are rather removed from Helens situation and are so thankful that you and I believe another friend are there with her, in a place she loves to help and comfort her, for this we and I m sure the greater family are eternally grateful and hope you have the strength to get through it. Please let Helen know what an pleasure it was to know her and have her in my family, and we will light candles and think of her in the coming days and weeks. Our love to all at Trelay and our special thanks to you Steve and Pauline From Sue Please send my love to Helen, and of course she and her darling son Hugh will always be in my thoughts, and my family s thoughts. Such wonderful people, such happy memories. Sue xxx From Fiona Westlake Thank you so much for mailing us. We are, of course, very sorry to hear of Helen s condition, but so glad to know she has such devoted, loving friends to care for her. Please give her our love and tell her we are thinking of her. Fiona, Peter and Kit Westlake Thank you for your full and caring support for Helen. Please squeeze her hand from Tony and me..and wish her peace..a brave brave woman who is an honour to know. Please give her our love... Heather Smith Page 42

43 From Edwina I always yearned for a sister. Thanks for being my big sister, and giving me good memories for keeps. Lots of love, Edwina. From Oliver Bergel I am touched and relieved by your . Not because of the content but the sense of care and support Helen is getting and your loving presence that comes through so clearly. And the position you hold in relation to death, I am pleased Helen has others around who are OK with it. Australia is a long, long way away and I am not called to make a pilgrimage to say farewell to Helen but I do feel a tug and a need to express something that I ask you to share with her. Dear Helen, there have been moments in our relating when we have shared connection through spirit and acknowledged the spiritual beings that we are. I hope and pray that as this time of the physical draws to an end for you and the journey of essence begins that the transition be graceful. That the vibration of spirit within you guide and illuminate your path and peace be with you. I am comforted that you have such loving support in Jackie and Margot, I to hold you in my heart at this time and say farewell. Love Oliver From Tim Dear Helen, I have heard from Nicolette and Jackie that your cancer is getting much worse and that you are feeling much weaker and that you do not have much longer to live. I m struggling to find the right words here but I mainly want to say how very sad I am to hear this, but also how glad I am that you did make it to Cornwall and so you are among loving people in the place where you wanted to be. When I heard that you had stopped chemo I knew, of course, that this moment would arrive but that does not make it easier when it does, and that completely pales into insignificance compared to what you have had to deal with. I do so admire you for facing up to your situation so bravely (and with a great deal of joie de vivre). I am flying to Bristol on Friday evening and will be at Trelay about noon on Saturday. I look forward to seeing you then. With love, Tim From Chris Keppie Many thanks for this lovely , for sharing this news so very sensitively. And thank you for all you and all at Trelay do for Helen - I m sure quite an extraordinary aspect of community life at its very best. Please pass on our very best wishes and thoughts to Helen if there s ever an appropriate time. She s borne it all so inspiringly; I hope and pray she will have an easy and positive passing, whatever that may mean. In Friendship, Chris From Lee Please remember me to Helen. Helen, you have been a real fighter, I take my hat off to you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Your friend and colleague, Lee From Hilary Sutton Thank you so much for your kindness in writing to tell us of Helen s condition. Being so far away in Cambridge it was good to get such a full description of her current health and care arrangements. I will keep her and all who are caring for her in my thoughts. May her journey continue to be peaceful. I wish you the strength to support her and each other. Kind regards, Hilary Sutton From Derek Thank you for the news, it is good to know she is not in pain and among her many caring friends, may I be so lucky when my time comes. Please let her know I wrote and sent all my love Derek Bergel Page 43

44 From Nicolette I am so glad to be able to contact you as I wanted to thank you so much appreciate all you are doing for Helen - thank you from all the family but especially me. When I rang Helen on Saturday it was a most terrible shock as i had not been in touch for a while and I felt really upset with myself for not knowing how she was deteriorating; I also worried like anything about her care. So it was a huge relief when Margot rang me and put me in the picture and that you and she were happy and able to care for her. It would be a great kindness if when you are with her and she is not exhausted you could tell her I think of her every day and that all the boys send love too. Of course Jackie, if she said she would like to see me I would get on the first train, but from what Margot has said she is probably past seeing people and talking on the phone; if you think otherwise please do not hesitate to tell me. It is emotionally exhausting caring for someone from your heart, but I hope your knowing what a wonderful thing you are doing for a very special person will outweigh the strain you must be under. I so value the welcome you have given me every time I have come to Trelay it has meant a lot, and I will always remember a lovely walk we did one evening when the sun came out at the end of a day. From Brendan Sorry to hear that you have become much weaker in the last few days. I m glad that we have shared some really important times in our lives. Some of the houses we ve stayed and walks we did were uplifting. Sharing in Hugh s death was unbearably sad. I m sending you a great big hug, enjoying many memories of things we did, some very good things, some just for fun. With lots of Love, Brendan x. From Mat Bergel Over here in France we appreciate the news from you and have been talking to Nicolette, who I suspect has been talking to you too. We are all privileged to have known Helen and she is lucky to have such good friends as you to help her through this final stage. Bless you all and kisses to Helen. mat xx From Jill Angood Thank you so much for letting us know about Helen; we are many miles too far away to visit her but please do tell her that Jill is thinking about her, and remembering happy times spent together.we had the pleasure of living with her at Lifespan and am so glad that her move to Trelay has opened up a whole level of love and support for her in her last days. I will light a candle for her and send love across the miles. Jill From Chris Pyke I did not know Helen had reached this stage and am grateful to you for letting us know. Please wish her much love from Jill Angood and me, who lived with her at Lifespan in the early 1980 s and then had renewed our acquaintance through Cambridge Woodcraft Folk and a weekend walking group. Our thoughts are with her and with you at Trelay. She is surely in very good company for this journey. Wishing you all strength and peace, Chris Pyke From Sanna. a young German student who visited Trelay hello jackie. I saw the post about Helen. Can you please pass on a lot of love from all of my family to her? Tell her that she is one of the most wonderful people that I have ever met and I will never forget the day in Truro last year, because it was so lovely. Lots of love and kisses. Sanna Have fond memories of Helen, she listened to me when I was going through problems I was having even though she had her problems with her own health, she s a very special lady. She will be a very welcome newcomer in the community in heaven, she will give her love to them there and carry on with giving warmth here on earth with her wonderful memories.trelay has became a better place with Helen s presence. She will leave it with many folks loving her so much. Mick Catt How can we be unhappy when Helen is where she so wanted to be for such a long time We know that she has moved around from one group to another and it such a pity that her time with you all has turned out to so brief. Please convey our love and tell Helen that she is in our hearts always and we are all with her in spirit if not in person. Robin and Martin Page 44

45 Helen s Burial The Burial: Farewell to Helen Mary Pinder We re gathered here today to say our last farewells to Helen, and I d like to include all absent friends in our circle; we ve been overwhelmed by messages. We re here to comfort one another in our grief; We are here to give thanks for Helen s life, To commit her body to the earth, To commend her spirit to the air, to fly with her beloved buzzards Jo s poem (about buzzard) Great Spirit, God, source of all love, Within us and between us, As we come together in this circle to give thanks for Helen s life, and huge gratitude for her gentle dying. Comfort with gentleness all who are gathered here. Thank you for the love that keeps us all connected. For although Helen is gone from our sight, she is not gone from our hearts. In our moments of grief, may we have the courage To let quietness come upon us and trust the strength of your embrace supporting us. Help us to keep our feet firmly on the earth. Helen faced death bravely, and we ve honoured all her wishes I reckon she would say: Do not stand at my grave and weep, I am not here, I do not sleep and I reckon she d be right. Her nephew Kelvin sent a quote from Winnie the Pooh: How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. Let s sing this song to wish her peace: Deep peace of the running wave to you Deep peace of the flowing air Deep peace of the quiet earth to you Deep peace of the shining stars May peace, may peace, may peace fill your heart May peace may peace, may peace fill your soul Let us stand in silence for a few moments, to remember Helen, to consider her passing, and to send her our blessings Roger will say a few words Robin has a poem to share with us: A slumber did my spirit seal; I had no human fears: She seem d a thing that could not feel The touch of earthly years. No motion has she now, no force; She neither hears nor sees; Roll d round in earth s diurnal course With rocks, and stones, and trees. Page 45

46 Song by John Helen wanted to be buried here, up here on the land, and near to the wonderful Round House which she inspired. Let s move now to her grave, and bless it and place her coffin in. Walk over to grave, accompanied by music by Roger Spirit we bless this grave, where we place Helen s coffin now in her final resting place. Helen, your spirit has returned, reunited with the great spirit which connects us all. Your essence has returned to nature. We honour your body, which held your spirit for so many years, and now we return it to the goodness of the earth, we bury it with love, with peace in our hearts. Let s sing together: May the road rise with you. May the wind be always at your back. May the sunshine warm your face, And the rains fall soft upon the fields. Until we meet again, may god hold you in the hollow of her hand. Music by Roger Mary Oliver offers this in one of her poems: To live in this world you must be able to do three things: To love what is mortal, to hold it hard against your bones, knowing your own life depends upon it, And when the time comes to let it go: to let it go. Edith Sitwell said: Love is not changed by death and nothing is lost; All in the end is harvest Burial ceremony written and led by Margot Oakenby, 5 th November 2014 Page 46

47 Helen s RoundHouse Everyone in the community, and many of Helen s relations and friends, were involved in some way with building this beautiful roundhouse, with caring for Helen as her death came closer, with supporting each other, and with helping with the funeral. Thanks to all. And thank you so much, Helen, for everything. We miss you and love you. Helen was told she had terminal cancer over 4 years ago. She asked for a small roundhouse to be built at Trelay and in May 2014, she cut the first sod. She helped Paul position the doorframe so it would face the sea-view. Paul managed the building of the frame and roof. How pleased she looked when the six uprights were in place! Helen chiseled a joint in a roof-beam. She was delighted when the roof-beams were in place, forming a reciprocal roof. Christine was part of the team that built the low walls for the infill. A group of Trelay people including Danny stripped the bark from trees and cut 300mm lengths for the cord-wood. Daisy, Maria and many others worked hard on the wall infill, made of cord-wood, lime morter and coloured glass bottles. Margot and Helen visited the hut to inspect it and to enjoy sitting on the seat in September, about 6 weeks before Helen died. Visitors including John worked on completing the walls and windows... PAGE 4 which were finished the day before Helen died, just in time to put a vase of flowers on the shelf. She saw this picture and was thrilled! Tim, who had been Helen s partner in the past, visited Helen on the day she died (1st November) and we took him to see the roundhouse.

48 Then Roger showed him the grave which had already been dug: Helen had said, Please dig my grave while we have the digger on hire! Helen s nephew and niece also came to see Helen and visited the hut on that day. The next day the Trelay Community heard that Helen had died in the night in her cabin at Trelay, and we all went up to Helen s Hut to think about her passing. We lit candles in the niches and it became like a magical, peaceful, spiritual place. Margot and Jackie played drums. Roger played his violin under the lovely reciprocal roof. Three days later, we collected flowers from the polytunnel. Helen s Hut was beautifully decorated and a central fire was lit. The bearers (including Helen s brothers, Martin and Robin) carried Helen s coffin up past the roundhouse. Margot conducted a very moving ceremony in this beautiful place, under the golden light of the sun and the pale light of the rising moon. Jo read the poem she had composed about a buzzard, and John sang. Helen s body was laid to rest exactly according to her wishes. Back in the Farmhouse, a wonderful spread of food had been prepared, and pictures of Helen looked over us as we talked about her life. October - November - December 2014 PAGE 5

49 Messages after Helen s Death From Viv For all at Trelay Cohousing and anyone that knew Helen Pinder : The loss of a loved one leaves a heartache no one can heal, The love you shared leaves memories no one can steal. From Lauren I wanted to say thank you so much for your postings on Facebook and your s to us. It was immense comfort to be able to share - albeit at a distance - Helen s last few days. To see for myself all she aspired to, in life and its passing, was being fulfilled. At last she arrives in her dreamtime. I was particularly moved by the two sets of photos that you posted so clearly illustrating Helen s vitality and enthusiasm at the end. We visited Trelay in 2011 on Helen s birthday and during the week she showed us the farm. As we walked around she talked about all the work that had gone into producing that year s veg. She was particularly proud of the new crop of piglets. Then we trudged up to the top field so that she could show us the sea and as we stood there with the wind blowing in our hair she said, We should have a shelter up here. I don t know if that was the first time this idea had occurred to her, but it was a real joy to see Helen s Hut coming into being and to know that she had had such an active role in its creation. I was also moved by the lovely record of the walk that you both took at the end of August. This was always Helen at her happiest. Both sets of photos moved me to tears more than once but paradoxically the tears were joyful not sad. We knew that we would not be with Helen at her death but it did not occur to us that we would not make the funeral. Funerals are important to us and we are grateful that Helen will be getting the funeral that she wanted. We broke into loud laughter when, late Saturday night, we read Tim s description of Helen s grave-hole being all ready to receive her at Helen s own devising - how very typical. However when we started to do the research into flights to get to Trelay it very rapidly became apparent that, whether we could arrive at all was dubious. If we could contrive to get there by a convoluted combination of buses and flights from Barcelona (which is 1000km away from here), and then the drive from London to Trelay, at best we would arrive exhausted having spent a fortune which we don t actually have and cost the earth dearly in terms of carbon emissions! Never mind what we wanted, we could not even convince ourselves it was what Helen would have wanted. So, as with her passing, we will instead join with you all in spirit. We are going to drive into the mountains here to remember Helen and celebrate her life and our friendship. If I could have come to the funeral I would have brought two things. One was a song, Breaths by Ysaye M Barnwell which I would have liked to have sung for her. I know she loved this song, perhaps it might get played at the wake if you receive this in time, this is a link: The other was a cloak I have in my possession which Helen made. It is a gorgeous thing amply displaying Helen s mostly well-kept-hidden artistic creativity. It is made out of upholstery-weight dark green velvet, full length and cut on the bias so that when laid flat it forms an almost complete circle. What makes it astonishing is the lining which depicts the yellow velvet rays of sunlight around the neckline, and satin green fielded hills and a pale pink/lilac dove on a pale blue sky. My first thought was that I would wear it to the funeral, my second was to wonder if Helen should be buried in it, but I realised that what I would actually like to happen is for it to hang in Helen s hut. Then if passing visitors are caught out chilly they will quite literally be warmed by Helen. If Trelay feels this would be appropriate then I shall bring it to her memorial. Talking of the memorial I know that you have planned to hold this in the spring, but might I suggest that you consider holding it on, or close to, her birthday, 22 nd June. Helen loved to celebrate her birthday and I have many fond memories of picnics in various settings and parties in June. Holding the memorial in the summer would also mean that those of us coming from a considerable distance could combine it with a holiday in Cornwall which would help to justify the carbon we expend getting to you! Finally thank you again so much to you and all the Trelay community for the love and care you extended to Helen. much love, God/Goddess Bless, Lauren Page 49

50 From Lulu (One of many messages from Lulu) Helen is bringing so many people together. When she and I talked about her death during my last visit with her in September I told her I wasn t surprised that she was once again pioneering as she was giving Trelayers an opportunity to explore how the death of a community member would unfold. That provoked a few tears from both of us and she smiled broadly at that too. I had been doing some quiet research into coffins for her so I told her she could go to a workshop to make her own coffin. She said, No! I haven t got time to mess about doing that! I ve got birds to watch! In another conversation she told me that she felt very privileged to be dying in such a conscious, aware and present way rather than being randomly run over by a bus unexpectedly. And she was so happy to be doing it there at her beloved Trelay since she was doing it. And this too brought tears to our eyes which was very much how we have always been...one of us laughing or crying or both of us. And then, because we were obsessed we turned the conversation round to a shared pleasure...knitting, of course!! Tribute to Helen from Verona I met Helen while I was staying at Trelay in 2009 for an extended period. She visited for an Interest Week-end and I recall her enthusiasm vividly. She thought it was all wonderful, and loved the idea of the eco-community so much. It all seemed too good to be true. What s the catch? she asked. I was so glad that she managed to get her life organised so that she could go and live there. In subsequent years I saw her only a few times but we always had a happy connection. She had such a lovely smile and an open face. Her eyes sparkled with a zest for life newly discovered. I know that we shared happy times around the fireside, with music, and laughter. My particular memory of a good period spent with her was when we made bunting flags together in her cottage for the Trelayin-May Festival in In the course of a morning, beavering at two sewing machines, we found shared interests, and in particular that we were Anglia Poly alumni from Cambridge days. I think that Helen found a haven and a great deal of peace, as well as stimulation at Trelay, which gave her a home, with people who cared. In this world there can be few things as beautiful as being sent on your way by friends conducting a special ceremonial in a place that is meaningful and of one s own choosing. Helen s Hut will bear her name. Her legacy on Undertown will inspire others, and give a space for peaceful meditation. Now that s special. The catch was that she didn t have as long to enjoy life at Trelay as she might have wished, but she did have a good life there and ended her days there, with love all around. In the course of writing this I ve looked at the Trelayers newsletters, seen pictures of Helen in lovely settings, read some of her words. She had wisdom, and perhaps the honest communication she advocated will remain as a lasting legacy too. I end with a quote from the Trelayers 21 newsletter. Freedom s just another word for nothing left to lose Love Verona From Tammy and Mark I remember the day we first met Helen well. We were visiting Trelay for the weekend to decide if it would be the community we would like to join. There was so much information to take in but all that paled into insignificance as the beauty of the place was breath taking. We moved into Trelay within a week of each other and were neighbours. We soon became friends and confidants. Giving each other a shoulder to let out all the irritants in life and poor Helen had more than her fair share to moan about, but it was never the case, she dealt with her long illness with dignity choosing to put up with it and get on with it. I remember once spending a very pleasant morning making jewellery in our kitchen. I am so pleased for Helen that everything went the way she planned and I hope she meets up with our cat who is also spending eternity at Trelay. I am proud to have met a very strong independent brave woman called Helen Pinder who we will keep a place in our hearts forever. Love from Tammy, Mark, Hazel and Jack Betson x Page 50

51 From Hilary Taylor I m so sorry I can t be with you all today for Helen s burial, but my thoughts will be with you all at Trelay, and I will be lighting a candle here at 4.00 as a token of that. Candles were important to Helen - I remember many winter solstice celebrations at her house with lighted candles in the darkest time of the year. And the night Hugh died, as I sat with Helen and Tim trying to comprehend what had happened, we lit a candle on the hearth. It was just after Christmas, still in that dark time. And it seem fitting somehow that she should have left the world at this season when light gives place to darkness and we are reminded that we must live with both by festivals like All Hallows, All Souls, Samhain, the Day of the Dead. Helen s Woodcraft Folk friends in Cambridge are planning a walk in her memory. When she lived in Cambridge she enjoyed Woodcraft Folk walks, and the plan is to visit one of the local woodlands or nature reserves that she loved, and remember her as we walk. Thank you all so much for the love that you have shown Helen, and the care you have taken of her and her friends in these last days. I think her time at Trelay has been one of the happiest and most healing times of her life. Please pass on this message to everyone who is there today - it comes with my love. Hilary Tribute to Helen from Lowana I first met Helen before she moved to Cambridge. I was living in London and active in the peace movement and various other things; she was in Nottingham, working for Peace News. However, I think we first met during an occupation of drainpipes at what was to become Torness nuclear power station. I was with a London nonviolent direct action group, she was in the adjacent drainpipe with the Nottingham group who I seemed to remember were also playing music. We met again when we were both living in Cambridge. At that time, Helen was working for another cooperative, the Cambridge Free Press printing collective. Later, we both lived in Argyle Street Housing Coop, though not in the same house. That s when we became good friends. She was an active member of the coop, unlike some people. Later, she worked part-time for Cambridge Women s Aid. I was not surprised when Helen said she thought she d found her ideal community Trelay. And she was very content here. Though I now live in Iceland, I came to visit twice once with my ex-housing coop friends who now live the other side of Penzance and once two years ago, when I stayed the night. As you Trelay people know, I had been intending to visit Helen again later in November, but it was not to be. And because Trelay is so inaccessible by public transport, I couldn t change my plans at the end of last week and come to see her sooner, nor was it feasible to come to the funeral, much as I wanted to. I only got a Facebook page a year ago, primarily so I would not miss out on demonstrations and the like which are increasingly organised on Facebook. But I also have about 20 friends. Helen and I became Facebook friends in August, so Facebook tells me. At some point in August, I became aware that Helen seemed to be feeling somewhat negative, judging by her responses to other people s posts. So I ed her in mid-august and asked her how she was. It was then that she said that her treatments had stopped working and she d decided not to go back on chemo again, and that yes, she had been very up-and-down emotionally. She said she d have to get around to telling people about it, as only her family and the Trelay people knew. At that point I was aware that I would need to see her soon. For some reason that I can t explain, from that time on I was very perceptive into Helen s health and well-being. On 2 October I booked a trip to the UK for November 14, when we will take two self-seeded birch saplings to Cambridge to plant in a memorial orchard for a friend who loved Iceland and died of cancer two years ago. But warning bells rang two and a half weeks ago when I ed Helen to see how she was and she said she d had abdominal pains for a few weeks. And again the Sunday before she died, when she said she was vey low and tired, and not eating much, and she hoped it wasn t permanent. I realised then that I wouldn t see her again. You all know the rest. At her moment of passing, I was out walking with my partner Siggi. I intend to do the same at the time of her funeral. And we will come to Trelay as originally planned on November 27. Goodbye Helen. Much love. Lowana From Monika How sad that Helen has lost her long battle, but how wonderful that she was in the place she felt so happy and at peace. I am so pleased I popped in to see her in her cosy home in May when we visited Trelay. Helen s Hut looks lovely, a fitting memorial. I hope the service goes well tomorrow, I will be there in spirit and thinking of you all. Much love, Monika Page 51

52 From Colin and Mags Thank you for your message about Helen. We were sorry to hear that she had died but considering what she was going through it wasn t a complete surprise. What a wonderful idea she had to be buried on the farm. We cannot come tomorrow but sometime soon would like to come over and see you and the others and your progress. I hope it stays dry for the afternoon. Best wishes, Colin and Mags. From Kathy I d love to have come along to the ceremony but it s on a day when I just can t leave work early. It s a shame as I d have liked to have joined you all in a celebration of Helen s life! I do feel though that coming over last Friday to see Helen allowed me to say my goodbyes to her, which is great. I ll be thinking of you all (and Helen) on the day, Love from, Kathy x From John Bannister Helen taught my grandchildren how to bake bread. I shall always remember that and her tough but kind approach to everything. I d love to come to the Spring celebrations please. Love, John From Chris Keppie Helen s hut looks absolutely gorgeous. A very lovely legacy and tribute to her. I m so glad she was able to see it, and that she will be buried nearby. Thanks again for all your s and updates. Sorry we can t make it on weds, but will be with you all in spirit. Best wishes, Chris From the secretary of Helen s cancer specialist Thank you for your which I have passed onto Dr. Thomson. Our thoughts are with you at this very difficult time. You know where we are if you ever need to pop in for a chat. Take care, Philippa From Chris Beckett Thank you for letting us know. I must say I hope that when it comes to my turn, I am cared for half as well as you have obviously been caring for Helen. Best wishes, Chris From Steve Woods I have fond memories of the times I pent with her. Love Steve From Jill A colleague has let me know about Helen. She worked with us at Hills Road Sixth Form College in Cambridge for some time and it was while working here that she was first diagnosed with cancer. She then went through a troubled time with the death of her only son and the break-up of her relationship with Tim but we felt sure that she would find contentment when she moved to Cornwall to be part of a community. From the little I know it would seem that she was happy and had finally found peace and love amongst friends. Please light a candle on behalf of her friends here at the College who remember Helen with affection. Regards, Jill From Philippa Thank you very much indeed for your thoughtful messages yesterday and today and for the wonderful way you all cared for Helen. I didn t know Helen hugely well (as a friend of Hilary Taylor so we met together to play Mah Jong and birdwatch) but felt honoured to know her and to be able to keep in touch when she was in Cornwall. She was a lovely and gentle person and we have lost someone special indeed. My thoughts and condolences are with you all at this sad time. Thank you again. Philippa (Evans) Page 52

53 From Lynda Thanks for your beautiful words. Helps so much to have images of Helen and the love of the people who cared for her. Lynda From Tim Dixon Sad to hear helen has died. Sounds like she had a calm and peaceful death. Tim From Mark Betson Sad news. I am releaved Helen is now at peace and died where she wanted surrounded by the love only true friends can give. Thank you to everyone at Trelay for looking after her over the years, particularly for your dedication and compassion in the final days. You are an inspiration to us all. From Tammy Betson I remember the day we both visited Trelay Cohousing and how we convinced each other it would be a great move for us all, sadly it didnt work out for us, but I am so glad it worked out for Helen exactly as she planned, she deserved the end she wanted with everything she went thru, I am sure she will be in everyone s thoughts for a very long time. From Paul Gervis Dear all of you - the friends of Helen, As soon as I received your I started crying - not in sorrow for Helen s approaching death, sad though it is, for obviously we had known that her end was approaching. No, I was crying for the beauty of your actions - in loving her at the end of her life. I am Nicolette s brother and for more than 50 years our branch of the family has been living in Colombia so Helen became part of our extended family although my wife and I normally only met her at family dinners at Nicolette s when we were over for our annual trips. And once fatally she took us out to dinner at Cambridge (on Timothy s instructions). Their son Hugh was with her. We had a noisy, merry evening. Timothy was travelling but doubtless he had given instructions that Uncle Paul would need his glass refilled frequently. But alas, alas alas, that was just weeks before Hugh died. I should have answered you yesterday, but I only came out of hospital myself yesterday afternoon after what has now become the standard hip replacement operation. So, feeling far from my best, I didn t even open my s until this morning. And we are six hours behind you so it is still not quite midday here in Bogota. And why did I cry when I read your . Because you are doing exactly what we all should be doing. You are asking yourselves how can we help others? Not how can we kill people as our governments do continuously - especially in the Middle East. Timothy has spent weeks with us in the Amazon bird-watching. He loved it. I can t take any of you there. I am just not up to scrambling in and out of canoes. But here s an open offer. If you and any of Helen s friends from Trelay would like to visit our small farm - just bananas, oranges lemons and mangos. Plus my wife s orchids and my sculptures, you would be very welcome. Something good should come from Helen s death. My wife and I send warm greetings. Best wishes Paul and Dione Gervis. From Fiona Many thanks for your tremendous support of Helen and your wonderfully evocative s. I have no doubt that you and all at Trelay are helping her spend her last days and hours exactly as she would like given her illness. If you have the chance, please let her know that we re lighting a candle for her and sending loving thoughts. We feel very fortunate to have visited her in April. We took some lovely photos of her with us on the beach at Widemouth on her camera but she had some computer struggles and never found a way to send them to us. If anyone your end manages to retrieve and send them that would be absolutely lovely, but no pressure, you are doing so much already. Love and gratitude to you all, Fiona (Helen s niece, daughter of her dear brother Peter who went ahead of her just over 3 years ago), Nick (nephew in law), Martin aged 3.5 and Kirsty aged 2 months (great nephew and niece). Page 53

54 My Life with Helen Dear friends and people I do not know, I am sorry not to be with you for Helen s funeral, but very glad that I did manage to visit her before she died. I hope & expect to be here for a celebration of her life later on. For now I am afraid you will have to make do with my words. Helen was a person with a very wide range of experience, skills and knowledge - printing, weaving and left-wing/anarchist politics to name but a few - but when I was thinking about what I wanted to say to you all about her, I decided to try to describe things that most directly affected me during the time I knew her, hoping to give you extra understanding of her and her life. Helen was very good with words and language, and had the largest vocabulary of anybody that I know. I learnt very early on that there was no real point in my playing scrabble with her as I was far too much outmatched to provide us with a decent game! She was also an expert solver of crosswords, specialising in the cryptic crosswords set by people like Auracaria, and could get through them quickly while I (& most other people) struggled to even understand why the answers she found were correct. She delighted in the extra-complicated giant crosswords printed in the Guardian now and then (the sort of thing where there are two crossword grids, with the answers in grid A used as part of the clues for grid B and vice versa - completely impossible!) and I recall one Christmas after we had separated when she didn t have the special Xmas crossword and I was able to find it, scan it, and it to her, thus providing her with hours of happy absorption. I knew that Helen had worked with children before I knew her, but her understanding of children and child development became clear after our son Hugh was born. While I was groping in the dark trying to understand what Hugh needed, Helen had very clear ideas from the outset. I learnt a great deal about raising a child from her and grew to love it, which led to my considerable and very happy involvement in the Woodcraft folk. I will always regard our joint parenting of Hugh as one of the (maybe the single) best and most important parts of my life. I think we did a good job! And on that terrible, terrible, day when Hugh died, we comforted and supported each other as best we could. Helen and I shared a love of the outdoors, walking and wildlife (she did the plants while I specialised in insects) and we did a bit of low-key birdwatching now and then. This changed when we were out for a walk one day in Cornwall and a green woodpecker flew squawking over the hedge closely followed by a sparrowhawk and they tumbled together into the grass about ten yards away. We just stood there and watched the ensuing battle as they slowly slid to within just a few yards of us before the sparrowhawk finally gained the upper hand and carried his prey away into the hedge. We were completely enthused by this and quickly got to know the RSPB reserves near Cambridge and discovered what a great birding area we lived in. Hugh was less enthusiastic about long discussions on the exact identification of a duck 200 metres away across freezing mudflats, and was overheard by one of our friends saying how he tended to give us ten minutes, then started asking questions and kicking the walls of the hide, which would generally get us into motion. Luckily by this time he was a lot older and we were generally able to make arrangements for him to spend the day with friends instead. Birding is still a major enthusiasm of mine, and something that both of us learnt from each other. After we separated Helen and I remained friends and kept in touch, going on various walking weekends with a group of our joint friends and making the occasional foray to the north Norfolk coast for birdwatching purposes. One day she came to me with a proposition: would I like to share an allotment with her and our joint friend Hilary? I was not sure, but came along to look at the possible allotment locations that she had found (while managing somehow to completely cut-through the long waiting list for allotments in Cambridge) with them. I was soon carried away by the idea and within days had embarked on a battle royal with the local brambles that occupied me for much of the following two years. Again, this was something that all three of learnt together, with each of us having a little prior experience that we could contribute but all of us sharing a pretty general ignorance. It was fun planning the year s plantings with Helen and Hilary! The allotment still thrives under the care of Hilary and other friends and here I am now in France, trying to buy a house with land on which I will grow vegetables and fruit, keep chickens, and hopefully bees. Thank you for that, Helen. Helen s first bout of cancer came while we were still together and Hugh was 12. It was not exactly a joyous experience - it seemed to be a series of discoveries that when the doctor said it could be as minor as X, or as bad as Y, what they were really saying was brace yourselves for Y. But we got through it and Helen was told she was clear and we were all very grateful for that. But what I remember now is that not once did Helen complain that this had happened to her, or fail to accept all the various tribulations while remaining her usual tough self. Later I heard from her about Trelay (she had always wanted to move to Cornwall) and helped her to move her stuff there. And then, not that long after she moved, I heard from her that the cancer had come back - which I will always feel was a rotten deal just when she had found the place she wanted to be. I heard from her occasionally describing how the treatment was (or was not) working but was not prepared to hear back in the spring that she was abandoning the treatments as they were destroying her quality of life. But of course when I did I knew that this meant that I would at some time be typing these words. Page 54

55 I think that her decision to stop further treatment was very much a Helen ish sort of decision - tough yet wise - but mostly I am so very glad that she was able to make it to Cornwall as she so wanted, and that she was able to end her life here at Trelay, a place and people that she loved, among people that loved her. Tim Bergel 4th November 2014 From Fiona Here is a a photo of our son Martin looking at his new sister Kirsty in the pram when she was a few days old early last September. Helen especially appreciated seeing this photo as there is a similar one of my Dad stretching up to peep into her pram when she was a baby, so it is a bit like history repeating or something, especially as everyone says how much little Martin looks like his late Grandad. As a young child I remember looking forward to seeing my Aunty Helen (though she preferred simply to be called 'Helen'), but didn't see her that much as she didn't live very near us. She was a good artist and I always wanted her to do some drawing with me! My Dad commented good-humouredly on how we both made delicious concoctions in the kitchen - and a horrendous mess too by the time we'd finished! I always felt some kind of kindred spirit with her and as an adult gradually came to realise it wasn't just about making a creative and delicious mess! We shared a love and respect for the natural world and outdoors, an independent and freethinking attitude, an interest in other places and cultures, a desire to campaign against the injustices we saw in the world, sharing dreadful puns, and in the last 3.5 years I discovered, some similar views on parenting and a determination to do the earth-mother thing and breastfeed our extremely hungry babies - no mean feat as anyone familiar with the Coleman appetite will tell you! My husband Nick joined the family after Helen's son Hugh tragically died aged 16, but Helen echoed what I'd already said to Nick, that it was such a shame he and Hugh never met as they would have got on so well, sharing an interest in jazz music amongst other things, and great sense of fun and humour. We will miss Helen so much but are so happy for her that she spent her last days in a place she loved with people she loved and was able to pass away peacefully and be buried there too. Apple Dusk Deb Nelson May 2013 Here is a short poem I wrote in May It came out of a dream - I wrote it as I woke up. Don't know why it seems to fit, but there you are. The tender inner-self, which Helen and I both shared sometimes. Deb Translucent dusk: the gentle people move among the apple-lanterned trees, Unhurried. Smiling, Quiet laughter rings still boughs, A long-haired woman s dress darkens with dew. All down the long and gentle slope slowly I fly. They re saying nothing, nothing: do not stop, or stare, but pick and eat the pale globes of fruit. Page 55

56 DEC Issue 30 TREE LAYERS The newsletter of the Trelay Cohousing Community IN THIS ISSUE! In Loving Memory of Helen Trelay Farm, St Genny s, Bude, Cornwall, EX23 0NJ October - November - December 2014 PAGE 1

57 Farewell to our dear friend Helen It s been quite a journey from first meeting Helen when I arrived at Trelay nearly 2 years ago, to her death on November 1st I discovered a quiet, thoughtful woman who had extremely strong views on certain subjects, and whose life was coloured and scarred by a very sad experience when her only son died ten or so years ago. And the subsequent reappearance of the dreaded cancer. I took to her immediately, we had some deep and meaningful conversations about life and death, and latterly insights into our childhoods and earlier experiences. We had both lived in community before, which made for another link. Her feminism and love of words were both very strong. And the speed at which she completed jigsaw puzzles was phenomenal. I m glad to say I ve caught the habit, though not the speed. Long journeys to Truro for treatment and check-ups provided time and space for conversation. Her decision to stop chemo earlier this year was fully supported by me, and it was a joy to see her return to her full vigour and get her life back for a short few months before she started the downward spiral, gradually losing energy, then appetite. It was a race, but we got a round house built to her specs, and thanks to Jackie s insistence, the workand energy of many people this was completed before her death. Now known as Helens Hut, it was a joy to see her pleasure in this small building become the reality she had dreamed of. We fully endorsed her determination to stay at home for her end of life, not have strangers come to care, and to be buried here on the land. She had picked a spot up in Undertown ages ago with a sea view, quite the best spot and often frequented by the buzzards which she so adored. So when the time came we knew what to do: we cared for her in her cabin for that last brief week, kept her body on her bed until the time came for her burial, and then with much consideration from her brothers, she was carried on her last journey, up the fields to her final resting place with a simple ceremony to wish her farewell. It s so precious to have the Roundhouse up there too, a fitting memorial to her, and a place for sitting quietly in meditation or contemplation. I miss you Helen! Your quiet ability to stick to your guns, dig your heels in, say no; I learnt a lot and felt totally supported by you. I m so sad you had to leave us, but I wish you well on your onward journey, wherever that may take you... The mystery of the afterlife: we ponder on what that means, yet I can feel you sometimes in the air, or round my shoulders as I wear your beautifully knitted cardigan; I believe you re not too far away. Blessings friend, and much love. Oops, Helen, you re not here for a check! Did I put too many commas in this piece?! By Margot Buzzard Bird of grandeur, bird of flight Circling high with all her might Swooping suddenly, deep and low What a truly magnificent show Free spirit, All Hallows night Reaching for the stars She takes her flight (composed by Jo for Helen s funeral) PAGE 2

58 ...Go Gently Into the Good Night Death, it s that time of year...winter, decaying leaves, the shorter days. Helen s death, the 1st November, the day after Halloween, All Hallows Night. What an auspicious time for her to die. I believe that Helen had a good death, cared for lovingly in a place very dear to her heart knowing that she would be buried in her beloved place near Helen s Hut overlooking the sea. What better way to go. For me, Helen s dying process brought up some uncomfortable feelings and on some emotional level I did not feel able to fully commit to her care. My mother, unlike Helen did not go gently into the good night. To quote a classic Dylan Thomas poem she raged and raged against the dying of the light. Like a wounded matador s bull she fought relentlessly, tearing apart our family already stretched to the limit by the stress and strain of her long, interminable care. Her calling out in the night for mummy, mummy or Edward, my late father. Heartbreaking doesn t begin to describe it. Broken sleep and family rifts were not conducive to unconditional love. But despite all the problems, the night that she died I told my mother I loved her. She looked up at me from her bed that had for her been a prison the last few months, the wildness and anguish in her eyes seemed to soften. Do you? she said uncertainly. I squeezed her hand and replied Of course I do. She died a few hours later, in her own home with me there. The daughter who she had little in common with, had never made cakes with, or knitted or crocheted, the daughter who hated playing with dolls and rejected her beautifully home made dresses. But my mother gave me a great gift, she truly believed in me. In her eyes I could be or do anything. What a gift! I did not know Helen very well but in my experience hers was such a good, gentle, dignified death, thanks to the support of Trelay members and especially to her loving friends Margot and Jackie. By Jo Knowing that you re going to die Helen had copied this into her notebook from a library book in April 2014, about 6 months before she died. From The Elephant Keeper s Children by Peter Hoeg. Knowing in your mind that you re going to die can be bad enough in itself, but feeling it in your heart, feeling the reality of it, is a thing humans generally find themselves unable to cope with. But... there comes a time when you can no longer stand to close your eyes and blot everything out, and for me that time would seem to have come now. What I do in a way is to give the feeling space... allowing images of death to come to the fore... I see myself saying goodbye and then reaching inside into the feeling of death itself... I try to refrain from seeking solace in the thought of some miraculous reprieve. I refrain from seeking comfort in the thought that a light will simply go out. I refrain from imagining anything at all. The only thing I can do is feel the weight of the farewell none of us can ever avoid. At the very moment I sense that everything will be lost and hence nothing is worth holding onto, something happens. What happens is that a little gleaming happiness and freedom appears. Nothing else changes... and then, for a brief moment it s as though time stops. Or rather, it doesn t exist... The feeling of anxiety and incarceration is gone and what you feel instead is freedom. You sense that there is a way of being present in the world that will never expire... We will of course die but there is something else beyond, a thing for which there is no words, but of which one is a part, and which never dies. October - November - December 2014 PAGE 3

59 New Year Woodcraft Walk Here are some photos I took on the New Year Cambridge Woodcraft Walk along Devil's Dyke in Helen's memory. by Hilary Helen s Memorial Weekend at Trelay Above: Lorna and Steve played recorders in Helen s Hut Below: Nick, Lauren, Tim and Hilary around the equinox bonfire Page 59

60 Bodmin Moor with Rough Tor on the horizon Fish and chips! Rocky Valley. Jackie wore a jumper knitted by Helen The cliffs above Bossiney Boscastle Farm Shop When Helen Pinder died at the beginning of November last year, we fixed the burial after only a few days because we were burying her on our own land. This meant it was rather short notice for her friends and relations to be able to get to Trelay, especially as she had quite a few friends abroad. So we arranged a memorial on the spring equinox weekend, and planned several days of events to make it worthwhile for people to come. People came from Spain, France, Iceland and Cambridge, with many local people joining in too. On Thursday 19 th March, we had a walk on Bodmin Moor, one of Helen s favourite places, and on the way home we bought fish and chips for everybody from her favourite chippy. On the Friday, after an exciting bacon butty breakfast picnic enjoying the eclipse experience, we had a wonderful walk along Rocky Valley, near Boscastle. The weather was really lovely, the sight of the rushing river and craggy rocks brought us joy, and when we climbed up the steps towards Tintagel, overlooking Bossiney, the view was spectacular. This was another of Helen s favourite places, and we were pleased to sit on the seat where she had often sat. We stopped and had lunch at the Boscastle Farm Shop, which was the last place she had visited before her death, then went back to Trelay for a quiet afternoon looking at her photos. Page 60

61 On Saturday, Margot led the memorial procession up to Helen s grave, and we had a moving ceremony, remembering her and feeling grateful for her life. We planted a Rowan tree at the head of the grave, and simple plants like primroses on the grave. Tim, who had been Helen s partner for many years, led us in singing some Woodcraft Folk songs, and Helen s niece Lorna and her husband Steve played recorder music in Helen s Hut. Back at Trelay we had a splendid meal, then sat round an equinox bonfire, remembering Helen and playing silly games too. A memorable weekend many thanks to all who came. Tim led the singing of the Woodcraft Folk songs, the same ones that had been sung at Hugh s funeral The Envoi of the Woodcraft folk This shall be for a bond between us That we are of one blood you and I That we have cried peace to all And claimed kinship with every living thing That we hate war and sloth and greed and love fellowship And we shall go singing to the fashioning of a new world Link your hands together Link your hands together A circle we make This bond of our friendship No power can break Let s all sing together In one mighty throng If any be weary We ll help them along If any be weary We ll help them along Page 61

62 Helen: accepted as she was by Trelay I have a very clear memory or Helen sending me a photo of a wheelbarrow full of garlic, picked during one of her preliminary visits to Trelay and her saying how much she liked it here and wanted to come again - as she later did, to live. Then a short while after she moved in my phone rang and I said, Oh Helen how lovely to hear from you and she said, You won t love what I am ringing to tell you, the cancer has come back and then she said (she happened to be back in Cambridge at the time) - I rang Jackie to tell her and asked if I should still stay at Trelay and Jackie said of course and we will look after you. And you did, and I want to thank Trelay so much. As most of you know I am sure, Helen had not had an altogether happy life; wonderful happiness when she held her baby Hugh in her arms, desolation 16 years later when he died. Many other ups and downs; but I believe that Trelay made it more possible than anywhere else for her to find herself: to be Helen and you supported her utterly in her living and her dying - as she wanted. This doesn t mean she was a permanent ray of sunshine; she could be as grumpy and miserable as anyone but she knew it was ok and that she was accepted; I really wonder if anywhere else outside one s family, she could have been cared for when dying as you cared for her; endless trips to Truro and then acceptance when she said enough is enough; when she wanted to be buried here you said, Of course, and she is buried here in this beautiful place. Just look at the beauty of it! With the sea she loved in the distance, the countryside below and all the birds she loved flying overhead. Speech at Helen s Memorial by Nicolette, mother of Tim, grandmother of Hugh, Helen s son I miss you I miss you I am finally travelling to Trelay The home and family you loved so much But you won t be there How is that, instead of you, bejumpered and smiling, I will be greeted by others who mourn your loss? I know you are here. I know you are there. I know you. I know you flit from loved one to loved one, busy as a bee, keeping an eye on us all. I know you are up to something bigger, are up to something bigger too. Perhaps cosmic knitting. So you are here and you are with me for always, but I won t ever get to hug you again and that just isn t fair. I just miss you. Mae Smith Written on the 18th March 2015 and read during Helen s Memorial Ceremony on 21st March Page 62

63 Afterwords Disposal of Belongings Large abstract painting for Trelay, to be put in the lounge or other shared space, since everyone seems to love it. Helen We are so grateful for Helen s financial legacy to Trelay, which has so far helped us to do up, paint and re-equip the kitchen and dining room, and has given us better financial security for the future. Thank you so much, Helen! Page 63

64 Grief in the dark days Far away the world is singing As I hide here in my cave Overhead the birds are winging As my friend lies in her grave All around the seeds lie dormant All the trees stand without leaf My poor soul is full of torment As I sit here with my grief But the moon is rising slowly Solstice marks the sun s return Bringing light so warm and holy Gentle feelings that won t burn In a while will come the springtime From my cave I will awake Feeling, healing with a song-line Loving life for my friend s sake Jackie Carpenter Written in Bude 17 th December 2014 Dear Helen, we love you and think of you often Do not stand at my grave and weep. I am not there; I do not sleep. I am a thousand winds that blow. I am the diamond glints on snow. I am the sunlight on ripened grain. I am the gentle autumn rain. When you awaken in the morning s hush I am the swift uplifting rush Of quiet birds in circled flight. I am the soft stars that shine at night. Do not stand at my grave and cry; I am not there; I did not die. Page 64