ABC anchor Dan Harris talks mditation with Sharon Salzbrg, Josph Goldstin & Mark Epstin shambhala sun Buddhism cultur mditation Lif novmbr 2014 Gt off th whl of Habit How to fr yourslf from habitual pattrns of thinking, rlating, and acting. It s th whol point of Buddhist mditation. (Thy don t call it th Whl of Lif for nothing.) Hlpful tachings & tchniqus from: Thich Nhat Hanh Sylvia Boorstin Tsoknyi Rinpoch
Gt Off th Whl of Habit How to Bridg th Gap Whthr w r rlating as lovrs, frinds, family, or collagus, habitual Drawing on Buddhist and Wstrn psychology, Ros Taylor and pattrns sparat us from ach othr and th prsnt momnt. Ari Goldfild show us how to cut through old pattrns and truly connct. Photo Christian Richtr / Stocksy unitd I can t stand it! a counsling clint xclaimd. Evry night I com hom from a long, xhausting day at work, and thr s my partnr lying on th couch, xpcting m to mak dinnr for him. If I do it, I fl angry and rsntful. If I don t, h gts angry and I fl guilty and sad. I fl stuck. Transforming habitual pattrns is hard nough whn a prson is just working on thir own issus. It is vn hardr whn th pattrns aris in th contxt of a rlationship whthr romantic, profssional, family, or frindship. It can b so asy to fall into an automatic pattrn of intraction with th othr prson, in which w do not lik what is happning but w don t know how to chang it. W nd up fling frustration and dspair. It is no accidnt that th oldr, closr, and mor important a rlationship is, th mor ntrnchd th habits will b in fact, thy ar som of th dpst ons in our consciousnss. From Wstrn psychology s prspctiv, ths habits wr oftn formd arly in childhood; Buddhism tachs that thy hav roots in both this liftim and liftims past. From a Buddhist prspctiv th good nws is that dp down thos difficult flings ar nothing othr than pur awarnss, whos nrgy can hlp us wak up and transform our xprinc and our rlationships. Sinc such pattrns ar so dp and hav bn thr for so long, it is no surpris that changing 52 SHAMBHALA SUN novmbr 2014 SHAMBHALA SUN novmbr 2014 53
5 Ways to Gt Fr Hr ar fiv tchniqus you can us to work with habitual pattrns as thy aris in th momnt. In th sam way that dtrimntal habits can bcom ingraind, thy can b rplacd with nw bhavioral styls that fl mor wakful and san. Th ky is not to xpct any quick fixs plas b patint and kind with yourslf. 1. Expand Awarnss Gain familiarity with your habitual pattrns. Notic how you fl whn you act out of a habitual tndncy. Notic how particular aras of your body may fl uncomfortabl. Th mor you do this, th soonr you will b abl to idntify your habitual bhavior onc it starts. 2. Mak Spac Simply brathing, rlaxing your body, and moving into anothr stanc may b nough to shift from, or slow down, a habitual raction. So whn you notic you ar acting out of habit in a rlational situation, slow down and tak som spac. Paus to brath a fw tims. Fl how your body postur and snsations rflct your ractions to th situation. You may want to dlay intraction by suggsting anothr tim to talk, or by ltting th othr prson know you nd som tim to think and you will gt back to thm. 3. Explor Choic Whn acting out of habit it can b hard vn to imagin thr ar altrnativ ways of doing things. So it is important to spnd som tim xploring what othr options thr ar in th situation. Evn if ths choics sm outragous or unralistic, allow yourslf to b fr and crativ. You ar not going to act on any of ths options yt, so hav fun with it. If this stp is difficult, imagin how othr popl, or vn charactrs from books or movis, would act in th sam situation. 4. Stp into Choic From thos options, choos how you want to act. Do not xpct a particular rsult; simply act from th conviction that this is what fls right for you to do. Whn you first start challnging your habitual pattrns, you may fl awkward and wrong-footd, but that lts you know you ar in th right plac. Evn if you choos what you would hav habitually don in th first plac, it will fl diffrnt bcaus you ar acting voluntarily and with awarnss. 5. R-Run If you find you hav compltly playd out an intraction from th stuck plac of habitual tndncy, do not gt discouragd or slf-critical. It is significant that you noticd your pattrn, and you can still work with th situation by r-running it. Whn did you bcom awar you wr falling into th habit? What could you hav don diffrntly? Imagin how that would fl to act in that nw way. Doing this will build th powr of choic around this habit for th nxt tim it ariss. thm rquirs tim, prsistnc, and patinc. But if w do prsvr, th changs that com can b powrful and satisfying. W com to s that rlational difficultis ar both opportunitis for our own awakning and for our rlationships to bcom strongr, mor stabl, and closr. From this prspctiv, rlational difficultis ar prcious opportunitis. Habitual Pattrns in Rlationships Whn w act out of habitual pattrn, w ar not fully prsnt to th situation or to th othr prson, bcaus our flings and actions ar coming from an old habit from our past. In rlational pattrns, on prson oftn plays a particular rol th listnr, complainr, ntrtainr, supportr, child, tachr, or critic, to nam a fw and th othr prson plays th complmntary part. Thr is nothing inhrntly wrong with any of ths styls of ngagmnt; th problms com whn w automatically fall into a rol and fl unabl to bhav in anothr way. This prvnts us from xprincing th full rang of our bing and th othr prson s too, and disconncts us from th fluidity and changing nds of ach frsh st of circumstancs. As a rsult, w can fl bord, dissatisfid, and frustratd. Evn though thy mak us suffr, it taks courag to xamin our habitual pattrns and to bgin to chang thm. To fostr that courag, it is hlpful to hold yourslf in a spac of loving accptanc. Practicing Slf-Compassion Jff, a counsling clint, was compltly xhaustd. H had ovrxtndd himslf with commitmnts to frinds, family, and voluntr organizations. H flt complld to kp ths commitmnts without rgard to his own halth or nrgy lvl. Aftr carful xamination, Jff ralizd that h had unconsciously blivd it was his fault that h did not rciv affction from his parnts. So h had to work xtra hard to ras his guilt and mak himslf dsrving of othrs Ari Goldfild and Ros Taylor ar Buddhist tachrs, counslors, and co-dirctors of Wisdom Sun, a Buddhist community basd in San Francisco. Thy wr dlightd that thir most rcnt mditation rtrat was attndd by both thir ninmonth-old son, Olivr, and his grandmothr, Bridgt. Photo Christian Richtr / Stocksy unitd photo by andy karr car. Onc h undrstood this, h bgan to corrct his blif by mditating on th fact that h was blamlss in this rgard, and by snding himslf th lov and accptanc that h longd for. As Jff s cas dmonstrats, th caus of many rlational habits is a blif that w ar flawd, undsrving, or guilty of wrongdoing. Thrfor, th practic of affirming to ourslvs our inhrnt dignity, slf-worth, and lovability is in and of itslf transformational. It hlps us to connct with what th Buddha mant whn h taught, All sntint bings ar worthy. You can do this with statmnts lik: I am lovabl and I lov and rspct myslf, and by xprincing this warmth and accptanc as a flt xprinc in your body. This practic may appar simpl and straightforward, but that dos not man it is asy. As th lat Zn mastr Kobun Chino Roshi obsrvd, Slfaccptanc is th hardst thing to do. Evn so, with practic w can bgin to xtnd kindnss, tolranc, and loving car to our uncomfortabl intrnal xprincs. This crats an intrnal nvironmnt that supports chang and dos not punish us whn it appars flting or distant. Khnpo Tsültrim Gyamtso sang a wondrful vrs in this rgard: Making mistak aftr mistak, I walk on th authntic path, Forgtting and forgtting, I rly on unforgtting mindfulnss, Exprincing confusion aftr confusion, I sarch for th unconfusd tru natur. So try not to gt down on yourslf for your hard-to-chang habitual pattrns, or gt upst that you ar not doing bttr. Whn you hold yourslf in warmth and gntlnss, you go a long way toward hlping your rlational habits transform. Undrstand Whr Your Pattrns Cam From Anna suffrd at th offic bcaus hr work-tam partnr always commandrd th plum assignmnts and took all th crdit for work thy did togthr, laving Anna to toil in bordom and anonymity. Anna wantd to tll hr collagu how sh rally flt, but was afraid to do so, and whn sh actually trid it, sh would gt physically dizzy. Sh trid to stay with th far in mditation, but hr anxity continud to ovrwhlm hr. Evntually sh undrstood that hr problm stmmd from hr parnts and brothrs instilling in hr th blif that womn wr not capabl of profssional comptncy or succss, which sh summarizd as: I can t do it. Undrstanding hr pattrn, hr mditation bcam mor productiv and hlpd hr to fl groundd and strong. In tim, sh bgan to hav mor honst convrsations with hr collagu. David was young and handsom, and it was asy for him to gt dats with womn h found attractiv. Howvr, h was Ros Taylor and Ari Goldfild pag 68 54 SHAMBHALA SUN novmbr 2014 SHAMBHALA SUN novmbr 2014 55
How to Bridg th Gap continud from pag 55 dissatisfid with his lov lif. H rally wantd a long-trm rlationship but rpatdly xprincd bordom with his partnrs aftr svral months of bing togthr. At last, h ralizd that h was looking for partnrs to car for him in matrnal ways that his mothr did not. H unconsciously supprssd his rotic nds to insur that thy would not thratn his longing for a cargivr. Whn h ralizd this, h bcam inspird to mditat on lov and compassion for himslf and othrs. H stoppd laning so intnsly on his currnt partnr for soothing and car, and his romantic attraction to hr rturnd. Anna and David s xprincs dmonstrat how important it can b to thoroughly xplor our habitual pattrns until w uncovr thir root causs. For as long as ths causs rmain unconscious, thy will produc bhavior and motions that ar painful and difficult to altr through mditation alon. Inquiry into th undrlying causs of our pattrns is a way w can dvlop th illuminating wisdom (prajna) that hlps us transform our pattrns in a profound and lasting way. Combining this slf-inquiry with mditation crats a mthod that is nuancd and intgratd nough to handl th complxity of bringing about authntic and stabl transformation. Th Importanc of Communication Whn daling with habitual pattrns in rlationships, gnuin transformation oftn rquirs that th pattrns b workd through in rlationship itslf. This maks sns from th prspctiv of th Buddha s tachings on intrdpndnc, caus, and rsult: sinc th problms manifst in rlationships, th solutions rquir rlational chang as wll as prsonal mditation and slf-inquiry. And rlational chang rquirs good communication. Non-Violnt Communication, by Marshall Rosnbrg, is an xcllnt guid to dvloping communication skills that mbody compassion, honsty, and courag. Rosnbrg dscribs a styl of communication that rfrains from blaming and arguing about who is right and who is wrong. Instad, good communication in rlationship focuss on xprssing on s own flings and xprinc and on bing curious about and sympathtic to th xprinc of othrs. Whn w communicat in this way, our rlationships work a lot bttr. This is not to say that vry rlationship problm is fixabl, nor that vry rlationship should continu somtims it is vry clar that th bst thing would b for th rlationship to nd. Howvr, whn w communicat honstly about our own flings and xprinc, and ar gnuinly intrstd in th flings and xprincs of othrs, w stp out of habitual ways of ngaging and bcom prsnt with ach othr in th momnt. This crats th bst chanc for our rlationships to work thmslvs out in a way that fls appropriat and tru to ourslvs. 68 SHAMBHALA SUN novmbr 2014
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