Th Athr Chronicl Th Imaginary Altrnat History of th Stampunk Empir From Thursday Jun 26, 2014 to Thursday July 10, 2014 Finnius T. Esquir s Undr Watr Vssl, Th Minnow. Undrwatr Lviathan Incits Panic at Lim! Thr was widsprad panic in England s popular sashor, and th small villag of Lim, whn womn wading in th watrs bgan to shrik that thy could s A Sa Monstr moving bnath th wavs. Onlookrs gathrd on th rocky shor, and sur nough, thr wr sightings of a larg fin, a glowing orang y, and a massiv spurt of bubbls just bnath th watr s surfac. Local samn, having rcntly takn shor lav to runit with thir familis, producd tlscops and broad, sturdy nts, as th cratur smd to b hading inland, causing th docks to bump and crak. Whn on of th Bosuns hurld th nt into th shallows, and a group of strong mn havd with all thir might, thy wr astonishd to b draggd ffortlssly into th surf, as th bast s had protrudd from th wavs, its jaw opn, rvaling masss of gnashing tth. Th cratur slowly progrssd up th rocky bach, dragging th sailors, still clinging to th rop, bhind! Suddnly, th bast hoistd its bulk into th air, and it was rvald to hav craking, birdlik lgs bnath it. Svral womn faintd. Locals panickd and fld, thos who didn t wr paralysd with shock and horror. Th authoritis had bn summond whn a mtallic craking and hiss of prssurizd air causd thos still clamouring up th bach to halt. Of all things, a hatch opnd from th bast s outr hid, and a man s had mrgd although idntifying him as human was mainly gusswork, bcaus his had was almost ntirly incasd in som sort of undrwatr apparatus. H hld up both arms in a gstur of pac and goodwill, whrupon on of th local constabls shot him. Th officr, on Billy Buttrfingrs Wavly, claimd that h thought th cratur was raching for a wapon. Onc officrs xprimntd with som clasps and straps, th apparatus was rmovd, rvaling on Finnius T. Esquir, an Enginr turnd Scintist rnownd in London for his ludicrous thoris and bizarr contraptions that wr mant to prov thm. Apparntly, Finnius T. Esquir had bn nthralld by Charls Darwin s publishd work On Th Origins of Spcis, a book that xpoundd upon his thory of volution. Accpting Darwin s thory as fact, Finnius T. Esquir st out to find his own vidnc this thory. H claimd h had bn inspird by th fossils Darwin collctd on a sa voyag of his arly lif aboard th HMS Bagl, which dscribd th volution of marin invrtbrats, which Darwin took tim and car to study. Convincd that vn gratr vidnc xistd bnath Earth s ocans, Finnius T. Esquir st about attmpting to build th first marin vssl capabl of journying bnath th surfac of th watr. Local authoritis confiscatd th vssl, but wr so intrigud by its dsign that thy concdd Finnius T. Esquir nd not b incarcratd if h chos to giv thm a guidd tour of th vssl that th invntor had namd Th Minnow. Th dsign of th vssl had bn modlld aftr on of Darwin s own hypothtical Prhistoric sa craturs, that was thn customizd by th Enginr. Th Minnow was a on-man vssl, horribly small and crampd, but possssing such advancd tchnology th mn wr simply agog. Finnius T. Esquir xplaind th multituds of problms h facd whn dsigning th craft. Th issu of qualizing prssur was ky, h xplaind, to avoid horribl sicknsss lik th Bnds, and damag to th ardrums, not to mntion bing quickly crushd by th prssur of th ocan onc th vssl rachd a crtain dpth. Th rlas of bubbls through a spout apparntly kpt th prssur barabl for human bings within th vssl to a shallow yt still rmarkabl dpth. Finnius T. Esquir thn st about nsuring th vssl had propulsion which ld him to co-opt a propllr from th Wright s Flying Machin, which would allow for slow but stady forward-motion. Finnius T. Esquir tstd his sub-sa craft in a pond on his proprty, but h ncountrd th most difficulty gtting th manouvring in and out of th watr. H also suspctd that th trrain bnath th surfac of th watr, spcially at dpr dpths, would b trachrous, with ocanic volcanos, crvics, and rocky cliffs to ovrtak. This ld Finnius to construct his first st of lgs for th Minnow. H claimd h wantd his vssl to b abl to cross land to rach his nxt ocanic dstination without th nd for tdious and painstaking portag. Thus th vssl bcam ambulatory. Finnius T. Esquir thn bgan on acquiring all of th quipmnt h would nd to gathr vidnc and documnt his significant findings, in th hops of on day prsnting thm to Charls Darwin himslf. Th gntlmn of Lim wr imprssd by th kintoscopic motion pictur camra, a dvic so nw that th patnt had not vn bn issud yt (Finnius T. Esquir apparntly mt William Knndy Lauri Dickson bfor h had invntd th Kintoscop, whil h workd for Thomas Edison.) Finnius T. Esquir convincd his frind to duplicat his invntion so h, Finnius, could tak it bnath th ocan and bring back motion picturs of th strang craturs thr. Finnius T. Esquir also outfittd his strang vssl with a prssur gaug which actually cratd a vacuum with a rubbr hos, similar to th prototyps for th latst houskping quipmnt, which was linkd to th vssl s jaws. This allowd th vssl to opn its jaws, which activatd th prssur gaug, and would thn suck any sampls Finnius might dsir into a vacant compartmnt within th vssl. Thr was a brif unplasantnss amongst th rapt audinc onc th mn ralizd that Th Minnow was fully outfittd with th latst artillry. Th prsnc of two missils locatd bnath th hull causd a brif scandal and Finnius T. Esquir was arrstd all ovr again. H xplaind that th munitions wr intndd solly to clar gography, or assist should Th Minnow bcom trappd undrwatr. As of yt th vssl did not hold a grat dal of oxygn, and Finnius was vry mindful of bing trappd bnath th ocan with no way to summon hlp and no way to scap. H also riggd Th Minnow with an mrgncy flar, and a grappling hook. Whn intrrogatd about his ludicrous hlmt, which smd a mass of brass, rivts, and small glass windows, Finnius xplaind h had sn a modl of such a thing, and was hoping on day to b abl to vntur outsid of Th Minnow at shallow dpths, and walk amongst th sa craturs! This rportr is not ashamd to admit to chills at th prospct of this advancmnt. In th mantim, Th Minnow was dockd at Lim whr Finnius T. Esquir was incarcratd ovrnight in th County Jail for Inciting A Riot and Disturbing Th Pac. H was, howvr, rlasd th following morning, whrupon h mad a small sum of mony allowing childrn to sit in Th Minnow, and giving dmonstrations on Th Minnow s ability to tour sub-marin dpths for a suspndd priod of tim, and bring back moving picturs of what th world bnath th ocan lookd lik. No doubt th world will b haring mor from Finnius T. Esquir, as h gathrs vidnc of Darwin s thory of Evolution, and sks to prov that Natural Slction bgan in th ocans of Earth.
A portrait of Charlott Brontë, photographd by Gorg Richmond. Acclaimd British Writr Exposd as Fmal! Today British lovrs of litratur rcivd a shock as th critically acclaimd litrary work Jan Eyr, which took England by storm from th momnt it was publishd, was claimd in ownrship by a thin, srious daughtr of an Irish Anglican Clrgyman! Jan Eyr, a rivting litrary mastrpic that critic G. H. Lws dscribd as an uttranc from th dpths of a struggling, suffring, much-nduring spirit, and vn dclard it to b suspiria d profundis! (Sighs from th dpths), was actually pnnd by somon of th fmal gndr. A mmbr of th surprisingly litrary Brontë family, Miss Charlott Brontë has bn providing England with mastrpics for som yars now, having finishd hr first work whil still at school at Ro Had in Mirfild, whr sh wrot a novlla ntitld Th Grn Dwarf undr th nom d plum Wllsly. Miss Charlott s Brontë s first book Th Profssor, writtn undr th alias Currr Bll, was not publishd, but sh was hartnd by a lttr writtn by Smith, Eldr & Co of Cornhill who xprssd intrst in any furthr work Currr Bll might wish to snd. In May of 1846 Charlott and hr sistrs, Emily and Ann, slf-publishd a book of jointly-writtn potry, undr thir assumd nams Currr, Ellis and Acton Bll. Th Brontë sistrs dcision to b publishd undr a nom d plum was basd on stratgic markting. Although nw to th world of writing, th sistrs suspctd that thir work would not b wll rcivd if it was known outright that thy wr womn. Or wors, thir radrs would fign accptanc, whil choosing to judg thir work against a lowr scholastic standard. This rportr spok to Charlott Brontë hrslf at lngth with rgards to this issu, and sh xplaind: Avrs to prsonal publicity, w vild our own nams undr thos of Currr, Ellis and Acton Bll; th ambiguous choic bing dictatd by a sort of conscintious scrupl at assuming Christian nams positivly masculin, whil w did not lik to dclar ourslvs womn, bcaus without at that tim suspcting that our mod of writing and thinking was not what is calld fminin w had a vagu imprssion that authorsss ar liabl to b lookd on with prjudic; w had noticd how critics somtims us for thir chastismnt th wapon of prsonality, and for thir rward, a flattry, which is not tru prais. That bing said, it is no coincidnc that th sistrs assumd nams prsrvd thir tru initials: Currr Bll, Ellis Bl, Acton Bll. Whil no xplanation was givn for this particular affctation, this rportr fls confidnt in assrting that ths womn wishd to rmain tru to who thy wr, vn whil concaling thir idntitis from th world. It should also b notd that Charlott s nom d plum incorporatd th middl nam of Haworth s curat, Arthur Bll Nicholls, whom Charlott rcntly marrid. Th publication of Emily s Wuthring Hights by Ellis Bll and Ann s Agns Gry by Acton Bll furthrd th sistrs writing carr. Th succss of th Brontë sistrs novls ld to som spculation by thir publishr whthr thir idntitis should rmain a scrt. H convincd Miss Charlott Brontë to visit London, whr sh thn rvald hr tru idntity as th author of ths rnownd litrary works. Th public was, at first, shockd that Jan Eyr had bn writtn by a woman. Thr was a markd chang in th critical rspons to hr work, as th writing bgan to b dscribd as coars, spcially onc hr idntity was known. Howvr, rathr than diminishing hr sals, Jan Eyr continud to b stadily sought aftr, spcially onc th book gaind a rputation as bing an impropr book. As a rsult of hr books, Miss Charlott Brontë bgan to mov in mor xaltd circls in London, and sh mad th acquaintanc of a numbr of prstigious authors such as Harrit Martinau, Elizabth Gaskll, William Makpac Thackray and G. H. Lws. Charlott nvr lft hr hom of Haworth for mor than a fw wks, and it cannot b claimd that Miss Charlott Brontë was a grat convrsationalist or wondrful company. This rportr was privilgd to spak with Miss Charlott Brontë during a social dinnr at th hom of Mr. Thackray, to which h had invitd his daughtr and a numbr of Miss Charlott Brontë s adoring fans. Mr. Thackray s daughtr, writr Ann Isablla Thackray Ritchi, dscribd Miss Brontë as a tiny, dlicat, srious, littl lady, with fair straight hair and stady ys. Sh wnt on to dscrib hr raction to finally mting Miss Brontë: our harts [w]r bating with wild xcitmnt. This thn is th authorss, th unknown powr whos books hav st all London talking, rading, spculating...my own prsonal imprssions ar that sh is somwhat grav and strn, spcially to forward littl girls who wish to chattr. This rportr assums that this raction may b to th yars Miss Charlott Brontë spnt as a govrnss to small childrn. Miss Ann Isablla Thackray Ritchi flt disappointd at th outcom of th mting, as sh claimd Evry on waitd for th brilliant convrsation which nvr bgan at all. Miss Charlott Brontë rtird to th sofa in th study, and murmurd a low word now and thn to our kind govrnss... Th convrsation grw dimmr and mor dim, th ladis sat round still xpctant, my fathr was too much prturbd by th gloom and th silnc to b abl to cop with it at all. On Mrs. Proctor, also prsnt at this uncomfortably silnt gathring, claimd It was on of th dullst vnings [Mrs Proctr] had vr spnt in hr lif. All gathrd had arrivd xpcting so much dlightful convrsation, but what rsultd was a surfit of gloom and constraint. This rportr can only assum that th lif Miss Charlott Brontë has livd losing two siblings during hr ducation at th Clrgy Daughtrs School at Cowan Bridg in Lancashir, which sh usd as a modl for th Lowood School in Jan Eyr, th dath of hr brothr Branwll who was diagnosd a havy drinkr, an opium-atr and a Laudanum addict, th succssiv daths of thr family mmbrs all within an ight month priod, lavs Miss Charlott Brontë much foddr for hr writtn works, but littl for livly convrsation. Miss Brontë rcntly compltd hr scond novl Shirly, which dals with thms of industrial unrst and th rol of womn in socity. This rportr looks forward to its publication!
Th Athr Rviw Of Books A Smi-Ridiculous Satir. Chaptr 1 It was th yar 1863 Anno Domini whn th Bastly War brok out btwn th Imprial Monarchy of Albion and th Popl s Rpublic of Nosira. It aros as a disput as to how much jam, in ouncs, should b srvd at ta. A hatd argumnt brok out btwn th rspctiv ambassadors aftr th Albions diplomat brok out in angr that You Nosirans nvr hav, nvr could, nvr will valu your ta as highly as th Albions! Ndlss to say, th Nosirans took this, as thy took all othr rmarks concrning thir honour, thics, and moral cods, in th bst mannr thy could: With a dclaration of war. No such insult had bn paid Nosira sinc 44 BC, whn Julius Casar told thm thy couldn t hav thir own chariots. It was shortly aftr that Nosiran nationals among th snators mad thir points quit pointd. His only rbuttal, in fact, was Et tu, Brut? Which roughly translats to, Um, wll, I y know? Som popl hav allgd that it instad mans You too, Brutus? But ths prsons hav mostly bn shot by th Nosiran military. In any cas, th Bastly War was not only a scn of political scandal, but industrial advancmnt. Stam ngins wr prolific, and th arlir ta-powrd mchanical mn wr forsakn for th nwr coff-powrd soldirs. Ths wr not as popular with th Albions civilians, who at this point had a ta-to-blood ratio of roughly 2 to 1. But non could doubt th ffctivnss of th nw javadrivn automata whn on was givn about a pot of ful and blazd a trail of blood and dstruction to th rsrv pot it spottd on th othr sid of th room. Wll. As th bast of industry roard and w pourd all mannr of black and brown fluids down its coal-dustd gullt, nw military hros aros. Fild Marshal Philpott Twolumps, Albions infantry hro, known on th battlfild as Th Manic Avngr. Admiral Archibaldus Crammongr, a nautical juggrnaut, also calld Th Grat Whit Whal. Gnral Filmor Hottnblack, trror of th skis, Th Black Shadow. Ths and many mor ar rcordd in th annals of Albions military history, but non compar to Gnral Ignatius Gallant, th Iron Dragon. It was Ignatius Gallant who (allgdly) invntd th mighty Toff Hybrid-Driv War Carriag, cod-namd th War Machin; A brilliant vhicl which ran on mingld ta and coff, only nding th occasional dash of lubricating cram as ngin upkp; it was capabl of driving at thirty mils vry hour, a rcord just barly matchd by th kingdom s fastst stam locomotivs. It carrid tn cannons, twnty rpatr guns, and could hous up to on hundrd soldirs, armd with rifls, for mbarkation. Alas, in this ra of bvrag-powrd warfar, ta supplis ran low. Th Albions ntrd th Black Ag, in which on prcnt A Gntlman s War, By Ashr Davian of th populous njoyd ninty-nin prcnt of th ta. Th uppr class, or uppr crust as th Bradwinnr s Guild would hav it, drank ta, whilst th working class, in th black shadows cast by th turrts of th castls and manors, drank coff. It is on this not that w introduc a nw hro: Dudly Fox, a stam mchanic and bvrag nthusiast. In an ra during which ta was hard to com by, Dudly did most of his work both for mony and for ta. H bcam infatuatd with a wondrful woman of th Uppr Crust by th nam of Lady Evlyn Wathrby, who mad th most nchanting ta h had vr tastd. Manwhil, Gnral Ignatius Gallant had also bcom smittn with th Lady Wathrby and had bgun sing hr wkly. Dudly was also sing hr wkly. Thy nvr rally knw th othr xistd until on rainy Tusday. This is th story of that Tusday and what nsud in th two wks following it. What mad th gnral apprciat th valu of th unsung hros, th tru Mn of War spcially on farlss man of industry, Dudly Fox. Dudly wincd at th coff as it wnt down. Powrful, but its nrgy unrfind and raw, it was a drink far mor suitd to th ruggd Amricans. Givn th chanc, though, h thought h could gt usd to it. H just didn t want to b givn th chanc. H glancd across th bluprints. A mighty machin, to b sur, but thr was on or two things missing, on or two things lft to chanc, prhaps thr or four untstd and xprimntal. Still, Gnral Gallant ndd it on th 20th. It was th 19th, and Dudly s day off, if you plas. H couldn t do all th dtail work on his day off, thr was far too much rlaxation to b don, and Dudly found that on th avrag day off, thr was nvr nough tim to fficintly rlax in as many ways as h had plannd. Oftn h d hav to cut down to on gam of whist, on gam of chss, on jaunt down to th pub, on walk in th park, and liminat othr activitis ntirly, such as njoying a book in th library, punting in th rivr, bicycling at dawn, and othr such activitis. Dudly Fox found, invariably, that his days off wr indd mor crowdd than his work days, and h ndd, prhaps, a day off from days off. Today was th prfct day. As h d takn his morning constitutional th othr day, h passd by th gats of Wathrby Manor, and mt prhaps mt is a slight xaggration, mor ncoun no, h didn t do that ithr. What h did was witnss on of th most bautiful womn in th world. Whil King David, Biblically, was far from th Lord s will watching Bathshba, Lady Evlyn Wathrby was not bathing, nor was sh drssd for that occasion. Sipping ta Dudly knw had to tast divin on a scond-story balcony, sh had all th qualitis h dsird in a dram: Physical attraction, sophistication, a plasant blnd of idyllic rlaxation and formality, and of cours, ta. Mr. Fox, thn, wastd no tim in making th acquaintanc of th nchanting Lady Wathrby. In a tric, h d addrssd hr gardnr, who, as luck would hav it, was trimming th hdgs just insid th massiv, wrought-iron gats. A fw momnts of prsuasion was all it took to attain an audinc with Lady Wathrby. Sinc that day, Dudly grw mor and mor clos to Evlyn, visiting hr vry Tusday, a proposal of marriag sming lss and lss of a fantasy vry wk. ------------------------------------------------------------- Gnral Gallant straightnd his mdals on by on, part of his two-hour morning routin. Smoothing th smart rd uniform out, stopping th wrinkls in thir tracks, h mad a last quick pass ovr his apparanc bfor dciding his moustach ndd still mor attntion. H took anothr look at th lttr. Gn. Gallant, th War Machin approachs compltion. It shall b rady on th 20th, though b advisd w won t hav tim to tst out all of its functions, and it is ntirly possibl an infficincy or two might hav slippd by. Howvr, I am crtain it is fully functional and ntirly oprational, and fairly confidnt you will b satisfid with its capabilitis. Sincrly, Dudly Fox Hmmph. Enough tim for th bloody thing to b tstd in combat; h didn t hav th lisur to tinkr around with th War Machin whn it was alrady badly ndd at th front Th plans for th Albions CECILs had somhow lakd across th bordr, and now on th rolling gold hills of Biscuit Hights battld not on, but two racs of caffin-powrd mchanical man. Th Nosiran CECILs, dubbd Caffin-Rotary Lgionnairs, CaRLs, rathr than th dignifid Caffin- Enrgy Clockwork Indpndnt Lgionnairs, did lack th prsonality of thir Albions countrparts. Prhaps th paintd moustachs and sidburns hlpd. Th Gnral had only on mor day in his lav, and h was dtrmind to spnd it with his ladylov, Lady Evlyn Wathrby. H allowd himslf fw plasurs and privilgs abov his mn apart from th high-quality tobacco h smokd and th ta h njoyd; Lady Wathrby was chif among his plasurs and privilgs, and h intndd to s hr vry chanc h got. Furthrmor, today smd to b th prfct day. H had gottn all his affairs in ordr th othr day, and was rady to rturn to his rgimnt. Today h had ntirly to himslf. And Evi. On of th most bautiful womn in th world. Bgging sir s pardon, Coughd his batman politly, Your wkly rndzvous with th charming lady is on Thursday, is it not? Ys, but I go off to war tomorrow. Today I say goodby to Evi. Sh ll b plasantly surprisd by my arly arrival. Gnral Gallant stppd out into th wondrfully clan air of Albion City, taking a dp brath and prmitting himslf a grin. H thn procdd to Lady Wathrby s manor.
T R r h t v i A w h Of Books A Gntlman s War, By Ashr Davian W ll Radrs, I can only tll you that th short story by Ashr Davian that was an absolut dlight! Th conflict btwn th Monarchy of Albion and th Popl s Rpublic of Nosira ovr how much jam, in ouncs, should b srvd at ta was a hystrical catalyst to bgin Th Bastly War btwn ths two nations. Th war thn procdd utilizing hot bvrags to ful th wapons th soldirs flung at on anothr. This of cours ld to th grat Ta Shortag, and coff bing socially rlgatd as bvrag for th poor. I can only imagin th dvastation that iron soldirs fulld by ta and coff could wrak (spcially considring all of th havoc that mr mortals can caus on th avrag day whn th aformntiond substancs ar in thir systms). This charming satir is th first of its kind to b faturd in Th Athr Chronicl, and it crtainly won t b th last! Th author handld th caus for war with uttr drision, making a mocking paralll to th various causs for disput w choos to quarrl ovr in daily lif, as wll as th vr-woundd prid of th military. Th following irony of th two nations rlgating crtain hot bvrags to crtain classs in ordr to sustain th war, is a wickd implication of litism and th disput btwn social classs. Th mssag sms to b that human bings will fight ovr absolutly anything; furthrmor, thy will considr it a complimnt to thir strong charactrs, and vn a dfining charactristic to thir rspctiv nations, to continu warring long past rason. Th wondrful twist in th middl of this pic focusd on an unlikly courtship btwn thr vry dissimilar individuals: on, a lowr class mchanic, th scond a high-ranking military officr, and third, a walthy woman of th uppr class. Th contrast btwn ths thr individuals is a wondrful way of highlighting th ffct of th Bastly War on all lvls of socity. It also nicly tis in th possibility of a dissolution of th cast constraints that hav thus far rstrictd crtain bvrags to crtain individuals, all in th nam of Lov. I found th notion of ths two gntlman courting th sam woman to b a dlightful tonguin-chk rprsntation of whatvr Lov might man according to uppr class courtship rituals in a tim of war. I was vry agr to s how Lady Evlyn Wathrby would ract to th romantic intrst from two such dissimilar charactrs. And, of cours, th qustion: how will ta and coff fatur in ths rlationships? Bing a mmbr of th Uppr Crust as th Bradwinnr s Guild would hav it (adorabl!) Lady Evlyn Wathrby drinks ta. As a mmbr of th lowr class (Crumbs?) Dudly Fox th mchanic is forcd to drink coff. As a Gnral currntly ngagd in war, and in charg of th most rcntly upgradd War Machin, I would imagin Gnral Gallant is midway btwn th two. How will th military conflict btwn th Monarchy of Albion and th Popl s Rpublic of Nosira impact ths burgoning rlationships? Politically, ths thr individuals ar at complt opposition how will Gnral Gallant fl knowing his dirct comptition for marriag to a walthy uppr class woman is a mr mchanic in his own mploy? Finally, will thr b a satirical slant to this notion of Lov in a tim of war? At this stag thr ar ndlss possibilitis, but w won t know mor until th nxt instalmnt! In addition to what w hav rad, Ashr Davian is currntly working on Th Dadalus Crisis, bst dscribd as Murdr on th Orint Exprss in th air, with sky pirats, fish popl and krakns; Logos, a postapocalyptic tal of bookhuntrs, and Th Comt Exprss, a spac wstrn st on Mars, 1889; Hr Majsty s Thif, a lat-rnaissanc advntur in which a royallycommissiond strt thif is pittd against a conspiracy Europan immortal alchmists and Japans-built clockwork killr gishas; and Cuckoo, a survival horror advntur concrning a young girl and a clockwork bird, in which sh s sought by a long-dad alchmist to distil th scrt of immortality from hr tim travl and zombis includd. For mor information on this xciting nw talnt, plas visit http://prophtstorm.dviantart.com/. Should you wish to snd a Lttr to th Editor, submit your writtn work, or offr a tip rgarding a potntial story (g. political uphaval, crim, spcial vnts, art and music) plas contact Lsli Orton at: ortonlj@hotmail.com. Nw Author Ashr Davian
Travl Egypt, By Amlia Own Kibby E gypt! W arrivd in Alxandria at svn in th morning and promptly boardd th train for Cairo. Unburdnd of our luggag and drssd for th occasion, w took to th dining car and sat down to hav our first land basd aftrnoon ta in ags. Th Cairo Exprss is th finst train travl in all of th Continnt, with tightly bound, smooth lathr sating and th scnt of importd lily of th vally prmating th air. Whil othr locomotiv passngrs shrink from th hat of th dsrt sun in cars whos vntilation is tntativ at bst, gusts on board th Cairo Exprss ar transportd blow grounds for most of th journy and kpt comfortabl for th duration. Th ovrsizd viwing windows ar covrd with polishd coppr shilds which rflct magnificntly inward, producing a soft glow insid th cars that mimics th light of th Goldn Hour. Th intriors stay comfortabl throughout du to th dpth at which th bast travls undr th arth. Thr is th aformntiond dining car as wll as a smoking loung (plnty of hookah for you to sampl), and an ntrtainmnt coach that consists solly of Middl Eastrn rhythms. Most xciting is th arrival at Giza. W aros from th dpths dirctly undr th Sphinx, roaring up and back into th dssrt btwn its paws, blowing sand out in ithr dirction lik an approaching storm. Th coppr plating on th windows wr rtractd to gift us with our first viw of th ancint and storid city. Day 1: Alic and I participatd in an all day pyramid xcursion. Our guids prpard us wll with watr, hats and sunshads, vn instructing us on th propr way to mount a disagrabl caml. W rod across th dssrt in high styl and trkkd downward to th most forbiddn chambr of th dad in our first foray. I was dismayd to discovr that w didn t nd any typ of toolkit for our ndavors. I d thought to do som digging myslf. Sadly, w wr thr strictly as visitors. It was hottr than hll down thr. Nithr of us card a hoot. By th tim w rsurfacd I was covrd in dust and thoroughly namord by th prophcy of th undrworld. W wr ld through corridors not sn by human ys for th past four millnnia, halls that wr covrd in hiroglyphs which our guids had to patintly translat for us, and brought into th main tomb itslf for inspction. Th sarcophagus was opn and mpty, th mummy within having alrady bn takn to th musum narby for study. Th room itslf was filld with objcts dsignd to aid th pharaoh in his journy to th othr ralm. W wr warnd not to touch any of thm, a thrat that did not pass idly from my ars to my conscinc. Not xactly. Whil I would nvr stal an objct of antiquity, a lftovr scarab can hardly b considrd a thft of royal proportion. I stuck th littl buggr in my pockt whil no on was looking and continud on with th tour, nonplussd. It was only during our sunst picnic that I confssd to Alic, and boy did sh fuss ovr it! Sh rantd on about curss and rprhnsibl bhavior until I silncd hr with a bit of lamb from my plat. Alic is a pushovr for good food. And it truly was! W sat at th bas of on of th pyramids, blankt sprad out ovr th sands, and njoyd fruity rd win and sloppy, succulnt mat flavord with sa salt and spics. Th camls snortd softly in th background and th sun dippd low in th horizon, a prfct nd to our first day in th dsrt. Day 2: I lov my Alic darly, but sh harangud m all night about th stoln scarab and anything untoward that occurrd sh blamd on my transgrssion and THE CURSE. So much so that th nxt day I canclld our arly plans in favor of rturning to th vry sam pyramid to rturn my purloind trasur, just to appas th girl. I shall spar you th dtails but allow m to sum up th vnt in this mannr: rntd camls, no guids, suspicious looks, incognito movs to worm our way back into th dpths, slight of hand movmnt to plac th vil scarab back in its spot on th wall bsid Isis, sighs of rlif, furtiv giggls, dirty looks, and a rac back across th dsrt to rturn thos spitting basts by th strok of on o clock. Day 3: Th madnss that is Cairo. W visitd th souks, prusd th tacky and th wondrful in th ralm of souvnir shopping. Thr wr lovly goggls for th avid dsrt wandrr, novls in Arabic covring a myriad of topics, hookahs galor, liv snaks, tapstris, brass trinkt boxs, and all sorts of havnly spics. Th highlight was travling to th Univrsity upon invitation from Dr. Salim Haddad, a collagu of Alic s fathr, who spcializs in th study of ancint papyrus. Whn w arrivd h was lbow dp in th xamination of a pic h had datd to approximatly 2600 B.C. Though w did not handl it ourslvs, w wr givn th opportunity to xamin its contnts. Dr. Haddad pointd out rar bits of rvaling information, including th xistnc of a bautiful cat-lik cratur with a cartouch of Lonida th Burdnd undrnath it. Dar Radrs, it was mchanical in natur! I had thought automatons to b th product of our own modrn tims. I was stunnd to find thm in th ancint world. Thy wr not common, but rathr th prrogativ of th royals and thos in grat powr. Thr wr baboon pts, birds in th palacs, vn dogs that roamd th allyways lat at night prowling for snak thifs to punish. Day 4: Tim to sail up th Nil! Alic and I spnt a languid aftrnoon on board our vssl, sipping icd swt hibiscus drinks and playing whist out on th dck. Th vgtation was lush-a ral chang from our dsrt hom of th past fw days- th birds swarmd ovrhad, and I crdit a fw crocodils prowld in th watr bnath. W mad th transition into th Mditrranan and scootd ovr to dock at th Port of Alxandria just bfor high noon. Such a cosmopolitan city! Th walthy vacation thr and it was vidnt th amount of mony that filld its coffrs from th momnt w alightd from our ship. W d had a glimps of it on our initial arrival but hr w wr shown th full brth of what it had to offr. Thr wr casinos, houss of ill rput, wondrful sailing jaunts with contraptions that took to flight whn th watr traffic bcam too congstd, and th bst food this sid of th Nil. Alic and I fastd until w thought w might xplod thn attndd a danchall rowdy waring blly dancrs blls around our ankls. An imprssion of Egypt Th Colors: Ros, burnt rd, and orang mixd with an vr prsnt ochr caraml. Th Tasts: Savory saucs, rich mat, opn firs, xtraordinary tas. Th Smlls: Endlss spics! Tobacco smok, lathr, and lily of th vally (in train only). Th Sounds: Markt commrc, palm fronds brushing against your bdroom window at night. Th whispr of th pharaohs across tim. Train whistls. Th Fl: Sand in your boots, humidity in your hair and on your cloths. You must visit Egypt bfor you tak your last brath. Thr is nothing ls to b said about it.