THE FOURTH QUARTER A REFLECTION ON MEANING AND AGING By Don Fielding OPENING WORDS: REFLECTION:

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1 THE FOURTH QUARTER A REFLECTION ON MEANING AND AGING By Don Fielding OPENING WORDS: As human beings, we re wired to want our lives to matter to be meaningful. We strive for meaning. We seek it in some of the most unlikely places. But mostly we feel alone, isolated, alienated. And we wonder why our lives feel so empty. I believe that that need for meaning grows as we approach the end of our lives (the Fourth Quarter in the Game of Life), and the need to find some measure of meaning becomes so important, that for many of us, it is all consuming. This talk is about how and where, in the Fourth Quarter of Life, that I believe some degree of meaning can be found. REFLECTION: When we re in our twenties it often comes as a shock to us to learn that we aren t going to live forever. We learned that at an earlier age, but became a reality in our twenties. Then in our fifths it often hits many of us that we re just not going to be as successful as we once dreamed we would be. That s around the time women become obsessed with wrinkles and men with their beer-bellies. And this is about the time we decide that we had better start learning how to be happy with who we really are, instead of who we wished we were. I can still remember waking up once, I guess I was in my early 50s, in the middle of the night, and wondering: When did I get this old? When we finally reach our seventies (I turned 77 in August), we begin to realize that we are entering the Fourth Quarter of this Game of Life, and to use a football analogy, we look up at the Scoreboard and notice the score

2 Page 2 for the Home Team is 46, and the Visitor are 10 and we re the Visitors. And slowly, it begins to dawn on us that we might not be going to win this game after all. Realizing that time is running out, there a few things we can try. We might consider a Hail Mary, a long pass into the End-Zone, but we also realize that unless our quarterback is Doug Flutie, and he s not, our chances are very slim. We might choose to play conservative and hope the other team makes more mistakes than we do in the little time remaining, but we realize that that s not very likely either. But most of us choose to just keep playing as best as we can, and hope we still look good in the process of losing. Yes, if we can t win, then looking good is about all we have left to hope for. The basic situation as we approach the end of Life is: Has our life been meaningful? There are other options. Some seek a successful life instead of a meaningful one. They re the ones who often spend extra-time in the office, and drive pretty fancy cars. Some want their life to be a beautiful life and style and the latest fashion is really important to them. Still, most of us will ultimately to go for some measure of meaning. But what is a meaningful life anyway? Most people believe there is a Meaning of Life. Something They can make a statement of and hang on the wall. But the Meaning of Life is not a statement, it s a feeling. It s a feeling you experience with different people, and because everyone is different, the meanings you generate with others will all be different, too. The thing that meaning and meaningfulness have in common is that both are feelings very similar to love. And the lack or loss of meaning is a feeling, too, and it feels like aloneness it feels like being alone in a great big, giant universe, all by yourself, with no one to care for you.

3 Page 3 So, is there meaning in the universe? Where can we find meaning? Well, the Hubble Space Telescope looked at the same patch of sky for many, many days, and what did they see? Just stars and galaxies as far as we can see. The Hubble Ultra-Deep Field Image found the exact same thing that exists right here. No heaven, no God, just more space and matter in the form of stars and galaxies. From this we can come to our first conclusion about meaning in the universe: there is no meaning in the universe! But how can that be? Surely we all recognize others who claim to feel that their lives are meaningful. Where did their meaning come from? And surely we have ourselves felt life to be meaningful from time to time. Why did we feel that there is meaning in the universe if it s not out there somewhere? The reason meaning cannot be found in the universe is because the universe is not the source of meaning. Meaning comes a place I will describe in a few moments, a place where the value of integrity, which is composed of loyalty, honesty, and respect can be known and felt, a place where values are generated or rather mutually constructed by human beings. Those individuals who experiences values like integrity, loyalty, honesty, and respect know and feel meaning; those who seldom practice being a person of integrity, or being loyal, honest, or respectful may wonder why their lives feel so meaningless. So, it is from the psychics of individuals that both values and meanings can and do arise. Collectively, they make up the cultural values that a successful society works to pass on to its newest members. When I was a boy, growing up in Texas schools there was not enough teachers for all grades. One year, in Paris, TX, I was in a class with one teacher and two grades. Fifth grade was on one side of the room fourth grade on the other. At the front of the classroom was an American flag

4 Page 4 (with 48 stars) and on the left side of the room hung a picture of George Washington, and on the right side, a picture of Abraham Lincoln. I absorbed the values that that flag and those pictures seemed to suggest. The flag, and the Pledge we said every morning (without including the phrase under God in it) suggested to me the importance of country. Washington s picture suggested to me the importance of democracy and its attributes (like saluting the flag, standing when the Star Spangled Banner is played, voting, paying taxes, serving when called for the military, and so on). And Lincoln s picture was that of Honest Abe pointing towards the importance of being honest. Collectively, these values make-up what I think of today as integrity. Those were some of the values my early culture imposed on my young mind, and I still value them even today. I would like to give you what I consider is an excellent example of one man s applied integrity. It s a football story, and a true story. I want to tell you about a football game that occurred in, I believe, 1914, the year following the time the forward pass first became popular in college football. It was a game involving two of the schools which I happen to have attended so I feel comfortable telling this story. The first team was the University of Oklahoma, OU. The other school was the Missouri School of Mines, but when I attended it, it was the University of Missouri in Rolla, but since has changed its name yet again. Today, it is Missouri S&T (for Science and Technology). At the time OU had a team and a practice field, but did not have a stadium, so they arranged to play a series of games in a few weeks by travelling by train to different universities. The first game was against the University of Arkansas in Fayetteville. OU lost that game because of a new play that Arkansas used it was the first time it had ever been used against

5 Page 5 Oklahoma it was called the forward pass. The pass was only used once in that game, but that was enough. The second game OU played was against the Missouri School of Mines. It was played in Springfield, MO, because Rolla didn t have a football field, but they could play in Springfield because, they could in the rodeo stadium there which could be adapted to be used as a football field. No grass, but you do the best you can with what you got. On OU s first play from scrimmage they threw a forward pass, which they had just learned about from Arkansas, and scored. The score was 5-to- 0 (this was back when touchdowns were worth only five points, not six as they are today). They kicked the extra-point and it was 6-to-0. In the Second Quarter Missouri scored and it was 6-to-6 at Half-Time. In the Third Quarter OU scored again and it was 12-to-6. Then in the Fourth Quarter Missouri had the ball and, near the end of the game, was driving towards OU s Goal Line. Now, this was before there were scoreboards behind the End Zones, and time was kept on watches held by both coaches. Eventually, the OU coach, Bennie Owens, held up his hand and said, Time has expired, the game is over. The Missouri coach said, No, I still have time on my watch. The rules back then said, when either coach called Time, it was the end of the game. But, Bennie Owens allowed the two coaches to adjust their watches, and Missouri ran another play, but failed to score. Again, Bennie Owens held up his hand and said, Time s expired. Game over. And again the Missouri coach said, No, I still have time on my watch. So, once again Bennie Owens allowed the two coaches to synchronize their watches and run another play. Again Missouri failed to score, and again Bennie Owens said, Time s expired. Game over. But yet again, the Missouri coach said, No I still have some time left on my watch. This time Bennie Owens did something I have never seen done before. He took the entire OU team and

6 Page 6 left the field. That took guts and a heck of a lot of integrity. Then a very interesting thing happened. Without any opposition, the Missouri lined up, and with no on in front of them, the scored a touchdown, claiming the score was 12-to-11. Then they lined up for the Extra Point, and, with true poetic justice, the kicker missed the kick! To this day, Oklahoma claims the final score of that game was 12-to-6, but Missouri claims it was 12-to-11. That story is, I believe, an excellent example of having integrity. It is about living up to one s values, for Bennie Owens realized that it wasn t whether the team won or lost the game that ultimately was what was most important, but rather, how honestly they played within the rules and that s integrity. But, here we are now, today. We ve enjoyed playing the game for three quarters, but we ve arrived at our seventies, and now it s the Fourth, and Last, Quarter. We re pretty sure we re not going to win, but is it too late to feel it has all been worth it? Is it too late to feel any integrity; to feel that the whole of life was at all meaningful? We ve played hard, and even though we know we re not going to win, how can we find, the rest of the game we have left, to be meaningful? Let me revisit, for just a moment, that question of where meaning might be found. Remember, I said I d come back to this earlier? We noticed that meaning cannot be found in the universe, which is full of stars and galaxies as far as we can see and there s no reason to believe that if we could see any further it would be any different. Philosophers have long divided the world into an objective world and a subjective world. Our objective world is the one we become aware of through our senses our universe the one filled with stars and galaxies. But, then there s our subjective world. It is composed of all of our private

7 Page 7 thoughts and feelings. We share our objective world with others, all of us see, hear, and feel virtually the same things, but our private worlds, our subjective worlds, is each person s alone. We can, but we don t have to share it with anyone if we don t wish to. And those two worlds, according to philosophers, are the whole of existence. BUT, THEY RE NOT! Sociologists have added yet another world they call it the intersubjective world. It is the world we construct with others. It is a world made-up of what the minds of many people have constructed together. It is the world we would never construct by ourselves, yet it emerges out of our interactions with others. It often goes by the name of culture, and, in return, our culture shapes and molds each and every individual within it. We are all the products of a culture: it is the world we learned to construct in school; it is our political worlds; and it is our religious worlds. And, it is the world within which meaning emerges and is made. So, that s where meaning comes from!?! I see a spectrum whether it s real or not, I m not sure, but it goes something like this: objective -> inter-subjective -> subjective. We experience the objective world through our sciences; the best way to experience the inter-subjective world is through religion (which is something we do with and share with others); and our subjective experiences give rise to what is often called spirituality those feelings we have inside (within our subjective selves is also where the beautiful and the awesome reside). [Note that within the model of existence, religion and spirituality are definitely not the same thing. While one is a subjective thing, the other is an inter-subjective thing.] Now, back to the inter-subjective entity called meaning : it is my opinion that meaning cannot be found or even discovered but it can be

8 Page 8 received. Meaning is not in the world, it comes from our interactions with others. Why? Because, first and foremost, we are social animals that s the way we re wired. Our lives exist primarily in and with other people. We live in a world of relationships, not all that dissimilar from the way a fish lives in water. We can give meaning to others and they can give meaning to us, but we find it difficult to acquire meaning on our own. Meaning comes from a friend, from a spouse, from a drinking-buddy, from a partner, from a father or a mother, from a son or a daughter. Same sex or opposite sex it doesn t matter. It can come from several people, from a group, or from just one special person. But without another person or other people the feeling of meaningfulness is mostly lost. It is, I believe, a legitimate question to ask: Why is friendship the way to obtain meaning? Again, I m not sure, but here is my speculation. If it can be assumed to be true that we are each somehow a product of the world that is at some level trying to know itself that is, through our eyes the universe sees, through our ears it hears, and through our touch it feels then that seems to suggest that each of us is here to become a representative of existence itself. What s more, our friends are also representatives of this existence, this universe as well. Hence, by our choice, the friends we choose become our personal and direct connects with the universe for they are mini-universes. It is why we seek a friend to whom we can tell what we have seen, and to whom we tell what we feel. And, we hope they share with us what they see and feel in return. Together, with our friends, we make living feel like what we were made to accomplish to see, share, and enjoy the world we exist within, and, when we do that, our lives feel meaningful! So, to apply this speculation, if you want the Fourth Quarter to be meaningful, look around and see who your teammates are. They re the ones

9 Page 9 you will be doing your End Zone dance with. They are the ones from whom you can receive meaning they will be your friends they may be your best friends; they may even be the ones who will be holding your hand when you take your final breath. And, don t forget that friendship is a reciprocal relationship so find ways to give meaning back to them, too. To belong to a church, and I don t care whether it is a Unitarian Church or a Christian Church or a Coven of Pagan Worshippers, what it really is, is a collection of potential friends. But don t let them remain potential friends. Invite someone to lunch and begin giving them your friendship. Write them cards, or text them, or them. Learn what s important to them. If you will start, I assure you your friendship will grow, and what you will get back for yourself, will be genuine and real deeply fulfilling meaning. Real meaningful friendship occurs, not in church, but often because of it. Don t let these people sitting around you right now, remain only potential friends. They are the ones who have the power to make your life worth living. Love them, and you will not know the feeling of loneliness that comes from having no meaning. Here s the key: The game is well worth playing, win or lose, because of the teammates we play it with. There is a great deal of similarity between love and meaning. As meaning grows, love grows, and as love grows, meaning grows. Indeed, at some point love and meaning become essentially one and the very same thing. Play the game as long as you possibly can, but always, ALWAYS, have a friend to play it with you. And I promise you when the end of the game comes, whether you ve won or not, you will feel that it was a wonderful time. And it never was about winning the Championship it was about the feeling of being loved.

10 Page 10 RECOMMENDED MUSIC: Shower The People by James Taylor CLOSING WORDS: In my mind, there can be little question about the close correlation between love and meaning. And it is our human need for love that allows us the ability to find and have meaning. We access that meaning because of what we receive from other people. It s not obvious, but it s not hidden either. The more open we are with our friends, the more we share with them, the more we lose the need to find and have meaning, because we already have it. We feel care about, and life becomes joyful even in the Fourth Quarter.