The Efficiency Review

Transcription

1 The Efficiency Review It s on again, another efficiency review. I ve seen a few of these in my time here, and the one fundamental they have never contributed to, believe it or not, is efficiency. I ve been in this job forever. Or so it seems. Almost ten years. Almost due for long service leave. Almost ready to brandish a machine gun and with Pulp Fiction aplomb scream at the top of my lungs, Any of you fucking pricks move, and I ll execute every motherfucking last one of ya. Sadly I can t lay my hands on a machine gun. There is a nice little Baretta in the gun safe at work but quite frankly a revolver doesn t match my mood. There s also a.22 calibre rifle. Despite this being the preferred weapon of the Russian Secret Service for assassinations, it lacks the panache of something that spits out a hundred plus rounds per second. So in the absence of a satisfactory weapon my workplace is safe from any Bowling for Columbine meltdown I might be predisposed to. Even though I am surrounded by death on a daily basis. Even though I gloat at the number of carcasses that swing outside the abattoir at the end of another day s kill. I mentally calculate their contribution to the future cash inflows, and wonder whether I ve truly become desensitised to slaughter. But greater dangers lurk. Knowing that another efficiency review is about to start, I m jaundiced by the time my office door opens and in strides my boss, excopper turned agribusiness entrepreneur. He s got Ms Efficiency Review Consultant Number 752 in tow. She s dressed the same as the seven hundred and fifty-one that have come before her country chic, designer jeans, blue chambray shirt, and elastic sided riding boots because even though she s from the city, this is an agri-business, so she s come in costume. I m tempted to ask, after the usual introductions, Where s your horse? But I don t, because even though it helps to be mad to work here, I m not insane. The basic rules when it comes to an efficiency review are to: (a) Appear as helpful and cooperative as possible. (b) Move the reviewer out of your office and onto someone else with lightning speed. (c) Never say a bad word about any of your colleagues. So Ms Efficiency Review is left with me and she hits me up with the usual list of questions that I answer without:

2 (a) Telling her too much about myself. (b) Telling her too much about the organisation. (c) Without her twigging to either (a) or (b) above. After forty minutes, which is a personal best, I ve answered her queries successfully, moved her onto other victims, and been left only with a couple of data gathering tasks which shouldn t interfere too much with my usual practice of surfing the net and online shopping while on work time. It s now the turn of the four line managers. Over the period of the review they will perform to the usual script: (a) They will start work earlier and finish later than ever before. (b) They will each draw increasingly complex flow charts on the giant white board in the staff room. (c) None of them will realise that going off and lying on a beach for a month would better serve their efficiency. (d) All of them will become louder and bouncier and more enthuastic about completing competency statements and job hazard assessments and devising team building initiatives. This will probably include the stated need for all of us to go abseiling. None of the line managers have been employed here long enough to know that this is just a storm to be weathered. At the end of this review, like the previous seven hundred and fifty-one before, a report will be written. It will be nicely spiral bound and presented to the Board of Directors. They will read the executive summary. They will flick through the rest of the report. Perhaps they will admire some pretty graphs. Printed on shiny white paper they will look good. The action plan will be handed down to senior management who won t pass it onto the line managers because everyone knows that with the current workload this is no time for recriminations, this is not an easy industry, and a business can t be run out of a textbook. Ms Efficiency Review Consultant Number 752 will send in a large invoice for her services. My boss will approve the payment of same, perhaps with an acerbic, She was expensive. And that should be the end of that. But the line managers won t know this, and as the review runs its natural course, they ll turn on each other, and I ll hope the report issues before too long, and everyone and everything will return to normal. But at the end of the four-week review period Ms Efficiency Review Consultant Number 752 wants to have another chat with me. Clutching what can only be a skinny

3 soy latte, she says she has a mandate from the Board of Directors to conduct a peer assessment review. I m told that all employees have been asked to identify which of their colleagues they consider to be of least use to the organisation. A matrix will be compiled and presented to the Board. I am asked for three names. I eyeball Ms Efficiency Review with her perfectly manicured nails, designer jeans, blue chambray shirt, and brand spanking new crocodile skin belt. No thanks, I say, I d rather be like the King of Denmark. Ms Efficiency Review raises her perfectly plucked eyebrows and takes a step towards me. What do you mean? When Germany invaded Denmark it was feared that they would do what they had done elsewhere and make all Jewish people wear the yellow Star of David to identify them for deportation to the death camps. The King of Denmark said that if such a demand was made it would be best if all Danes, including himself, wore one. What s that got to do with a bit of honest feedback on each other s work performance? It s the same principle. How do you think the Nazis actually found six million Jews to gas? Through the Jewish councils, the most powerful and trusted members of the Jewish community. The leaders of the faith collaborated with the Germans to save their own skins. They compiled lists of those who should be deported. They distributed the yellow Stars of David for their people to wear. They secured money from deportees to pay for their deportation and extermination. They handed the assets of those deported over to the Nazis. They sold their own people down the river, and made decisions, often not respected by the Nazis, about what members of the faith should be saved. You re asking me, you re asking all of us to do just the same thing. Ms Efficiency Review has gone red in the face and her eyes have a saurian glint in them. She moves closer, right to the edge of my desk. I m tempted to stand up but if I did our noses would be touching. Would that be a bad thing? She puts on a soft voice, as though she is speaking to a small child. Don t you think that you re overreacting just a little bit? My obstinance button has been tweaked. No I don t. So are you telling me that you are not going to identify which staff are a drain on resources here?

4 I lean back in my chair and stare right through her. You re nothing, I think. Behind her left ear I have a clear view of the spider web in the corner next to the door. There was a time when we used to have cleaners but they dispensed with them three Wet Seasons ago - in the interests of efficiency, without regard to the interests of morale. I wish that I were a spider. Spiders are a protected species in my office. However I am not and Ms Efficiency Review will exploit that. Don t show fear one side of my brain says to the other. It s no different to facing a savage dog. She ll smell it. That would be right, I drawl at her. Ms Efficiency Review Consultant Number 752 hisses at me through her neat white teeth, Well quite a few people think you re the problem. They think you re a huge overhead and wonder what you actually do all day, sitting here in the air-conditioning while they re slogging it out in the hot sun. She s not to know that I had a White Protestant Upbringing where this sort of insult was meant to turn you into a better person. She doesn t know that she s working to a script that makes me yawn. I sling Ms Efficiency Review the hint of a smile. Well I am the accountant, it s usually an indoor occupation. She doesn t like that. Up comes her right hand. Ah yes, the pointer finger trick. She stabs at the air, three inches from my nose. And that s the other thing no one like about you, you re too half smart for your own good. I look at her as though she needs a good murdering. Is your answer different now you know that? I push my chair away from her. It bangs into the bookcase behind me. Both sides of my brain rattle together. I tell her it s not, even though I think I mightn t be too sane. Clearly I ve scored high on the matrix. What I do now doesn t matter. I m hoping this is some sort of bad dream. If it s not, I ll just have to consider my options. I have two cats and a parrot to support. Apart from them, no one will miss me. Ms Efficiency Review and her elastic sided riding boots clip clop out of my office. No goodbye. Just gone, she and her blonde ponytail flouncing off. I look out my window and see she s pacing around near the abattoir, phone glued to her ear. I can tell she s spitting blood to someone, but I can t help that. In the top drawer of my desk the key to the gun safe is tantalisingly close.

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