16 September 1987 Dear Sally, I don t know why I began to write again, but I must have no friends now not one. No one to talk to. I m completely alone

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2 16 September 1987 Dear Sally, I don t know why I began to write again, but I must have no friends now not one. No one to talk to. I m completely alone. All my life friends have deserted me or treated me so badly that I deserted them. Con was my good friend for about a year. Then I saw the other side of him. I feel the end is near for me now. I don t know why I say that but I feel it s true. Sometimes I just wish it would all end. Sometimes I feel such rage it even scares me. The problem is that I have no outlet for my anger. I feel doomed. I m so alienated. When I do go out the people just don t seem real. I don t feel part of it. I never have really. My life is such a failure. I m in hell and there seems to be no escape. I feel so much stress. I worry too much. I just got something inside of me. It s just that sometimes I cannot control myself. That s the worst part of it that I m so scared of myself. Sometimes I feel I cannot live in this world. I m losing it. I m losing it. I m losing it. I m losing it. The reason I must write in this diary is that I must talk to someone. Since I have no friends and my family just laughs at me I talk to this diary which I call Sally. I always wanted a girlfriend called Sally.

3 21 September Today was just like all my other days. Boring as hell. I see people and I feel envious and sad. Sad that they have all the things I want and will never have. A family, children money and a secure job these are no possible for rib now. I cry a lot about this. My days are as lonely as can be. Many times I feel like exploding. Many times I wish it would all end. Frustration, rejection, humiliation are emotions I know very well. Happiness, friendship and a sense of belonging have never been part of my life. The worst loneliness is when you are alone in a group of large people. They know you don t fit in and you know. You can sense the contempt in their eyes for you.

4 14 October 1987 I just cant cope much longer. I hate life. I feel close to the end at times yet death scares me. Death scares me but not so much as other people because in some ways I m already dead emotionally I mean. My spirit has just about been broken. I feel so inferior. I feel so small. I just don t add up to anything. I don t talk to people much. I feel like such a piece of garbage. But I m not garbage. Yet while this goes on the outside I feel there is something inside me. Eating.away at me. Eating away at me all. the time. It wants me to yield.

5 16 October 1987 The world is simply full of bastards. You be kind to people and they use you. They don t appreciate anything that you do for them. Oh no. They return love with hate, kindness with cruelty, care with apathy. I long for the end now. I know the end is near. But I m not afraid really. It s inevitable. Everyone treats me like dirt. I feel less than human. I feel depressed for my parents and my sister for having a son like me. Such a big failure. On the dole, and unlikely to get a job because of a lousy knee. I feel so small in the presence of people. I m so lonely I just want to hug someone. To love someone, to have someone love me. To make me feel human again. But I know it won t happen. It can t: It wont. It never will. Hate is the dominant emotion now. We are never the same. We are a different person. A new entity has entered us. The old Frank died years ago and has been dead in fact for a long time. The result is a walking timebomb which must go off. As everyone knows when the bomb goes off the timebomb itself is destroyed. However that is necessary because the timebomb is a symbol of destruction and must be destroyed itself. It does not belong within the community.

6 21 October 1987 I feel as though things are getting out of control. The drugs don t help me get through the day. I get so angry I just want to destroy. The world is full of vicious cruel people. The world is full of c****. They drive me nuts. Why do they hate me. Why does the world hate me. I went to the shops today. I bought a new pair of socks. I said to the girl politely that the weather was a bit better today, she looked at me like I was diarrhea. People think I m worth nothing. OK that s the way they want to play. I ll treat them as nothing. If someone insults me I don t insult back I just want to kill them. They re all heartless cold monsters who need to be taught a lesson. Life has taught me how horrible people are. I have a purpose. My life has purpose. Only I can see the purpose. It is deep in my sub conscience.

7 23 October 1987 I m sick. I m real sick. I need help. But there is none. I am a sicko. I ve accepted that now. I ve tried to be normal. But most of the day I feel like a raving maniac. I don t know how I ve held off so long. It seems I ve suppressed too much anger and its hurting me physically. I must let it out soon. I want to feel in control. But sometimes something else in me takes over and I m helpless. The rage takes over. At times I feel almost like an animal. Just uncontrollable. Its a good feeling for me to destroy things. I like it. It gets rid of tension. I hate them each and every f**king one of them. Every dog has his day and mine is soon.

8 26 October 1987 I m close to the end. I m crying now. I can hardly hold this pen. When you re young there s so much to live for. Now I long for death. People are just so cruel to each other it just astounds me. Like Con Margelis for example. He always made fun of my bad leg. He is the scum of the earth. He must pay. He will die. There should not be people like that on this world. They have no tight to live. God is on my side. Don t worry God I will punish these evil vicious cruel scum people. I will destroy the evil. My job will be done. My mission will be complete. I know I m ready for the mission. I quit smoking. I m having my hair cut short. I have to clean up the mess. I m 22 I m a man. But I feel like a boy. I feel like a scared boy. The whole world hates me. But don t worry f**king world I hate you back three times as f**king much. Every dog has his day. One day when this dog has his day a thunderstorm will rain down.

9 3 November 1987 People need to open their hearts. Especially those greedy businessmen and women in the city. They make me sick to the stomach with the avarice and hypocrisy. Condemning and scorning the poor people while they pile up money in mountainous quantities. They re sick they need to be taught a lesson. They will all rot in hell. They have no morals, no manners. They are all pigs. And pigs always end up in the slaughterhouse.

10 5 December 1987 I still feel I have no aim, no purpose, no place to go. It s sort of like a film which is half made and the director can t think of an ending. But I don t cry I don t want to give all those scumbag people the knowledge of my pain. I bet Con Margelis would really enjoy it. I wonder if he ll enjoy what he s going to get. He ll get what he so richly deserves. A box of chocolates. ha ha. You didn t expect that. Someone ought to kill all the bastards. That s what they are, worthless bastards and bitches with no hearts. However there is the enemy of all that trash and that enemy is me. I ll fight them tooth and nail. They are not ready for the battle, I am. What a mighty battle it will be. I intend to come out on top. The battle will be fought and I will win the war. Just like the Anzacs or Rambo you must battle on. I ve reached a stage where nothing will get in my way. I m a steam train coming through and everyone better get out of the way.

11 engulfed me completely. Depression has I think I can see the path that s been laid out for me. I ve been heading towards that path for the past 14 years or so, perhaps even longer. Each setback pushes you further and further down the path. It seems like it s all meant to be. This is the role fate has chosen for me and I hate it but I m stuck in it. The worst in me is really bad. That s what scares me. I guess that s the worst fear of all when you fear yourself. I m scared of myself right now. I know what I could do. I had myself under control for at least a year. Sort of a walking time bomb. I ve felt like that a lot of the time. The fight goes on inside of me every day. I will never be right. Its just when the bad side of me gets out I lose control I don t know what I m going to do.

12 Last entry 8 December 1987 Today I feel funny. Jitters up my bones all over the place. Palpitations, anger all that it s all there. I got too much inside me. Today it must come out. I can t understand my violent impulses. I don t know what s wrong with me. Today I must do it there s no other way out. I ve got to see it through. My head really pounds I m all shaky. It s time to die. Goodbye all.